Dave Chappelle: The Dreamer (2023)

[bunniefuu]

All right.

Almost 24 years ago

it was the last time

I was on the stage in this room.

I was taping my first one-hour special.

It was called Killin' Them Softly.

My girlfriend

was sitting in that row, pregnant.

She's now my wife.

The baby that she was carrying,

my first child

I smoke weed with that n*gga now.

And what I remember most

about that night was the pressure.

Before the show,

I had to run out on the avenue

and hand out tickets

to anybody who would take 'em

'cause I couldn't even fill

the f*cking room.

And, boy, what a difference

24 short years makes.

And right before that time,

my father had died.

He never lived to see me do it.

And when he died, I was inconsolable.

I thought I'd never smile or laugh again.

And the only thing

that got me out of that space

was a comedian friend of mine,

the late, great Norm MacDonald.

That's right, shout out for Norm.

And what Norm did,

which I'll never forget,

as he knew that I was the biggest

Jim Carrey fan in the world.

I'm not gonna go into it,

but Jim Carrey is talented in a way

that you can't practice or rehearse.

What a God-given talent.

I was fascinated with him.

And Norm knew that. He called me up,

and he goes, "Dave, I'm"

He says, "I'm doing

a movie with Jim Carrey"

"Do you want to meet him?"

And I said, "f*ck, yes, I do."

It was the first time I could remember,

since my father died, being excited.

And the movie was called Man on the Moon.

I didn't know any of this.

In this movie, Jim Carrey

was playing another comedian I admired.

The late, great Andy Kaufman.

Yes, and Jim Carrey

was so immersed in that role,

that from the moment he woke up,

to the time he went to bed at night,

he would live his life

as Andy Kaufman.

I didn't know that.

When they said, "Cut,"

this n*gga was still

Andy Kaufman.

So much so that everybody

on the crew called him Andy.

I didn't know that.

I just went to meet him.

When he walked into the room

we were to meet, I screamed, "Jim Carrey!"

And everyone said, "No!"

"Call him Andy."

And I didn't understand.

He came over and was acting weird.

I didn't know he was acting like Kaufman.

Just like, "Hey, how you doing?"

And I was like, "Hello

Andy?"

Now

in hindsight, how f*cking lucky am I

that I got to see one

of the greatest artists of my time

immersed in one of

his most challenging processes ever?

Very lucky to have seen that.

But as it was happening

I was very disappointed.

Because I wanted to meet Jim Carrey,

and I had to pretend

this n*gga was Andy Kaufman all afternoon.

It was clearly Jim Carrey.

I could look at him

and I could see he was Jim Carrey.

Anyway, I say all that to say

that's how trans people make me feel.

Here we go.

Now, if you guys came here

to this show tonight

thinking that I'm gonna make fun

of those people again,

you've come to the wrong show.

I'm not f*cking with those people anymore.

It wasn't worth the trouble.

I ain't saying shit about them.

Maybe three or four times tonight,

but that is it.

Tired of talking about them.

You wanna know

why I'm tired of talking about 'em?

Because these people acted

like I needed them to be funny.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I don't need you.

I've got a whole new angle.

You guys will never see this shit coming.

I ain't doing trans jokes no more.

Know what I'mma do tonight? Tonight

I'm doing all handicapped jokes.

Well, they're not

as organized as the gays.

And I love punching down.

There's probably a handicap in the back

'cause that's where they make them sit.

"I came here to laugh

at transgender people."

"I didn't know this n*gga

was gonna make jokes about us."

"Come on, y'all,

Let's get the f*ck up out of here."

Yeah, it's about time

somebody let these handicaps have it.

n*gga met their match tonight. f*ck 'em.

One time I was on Capitol Hill,

and I seen a handicapped congressman.

- Madison Cawthorn, that's his name.

- Oh!

He's a Republican from North Carolina.

And he was shocked

'cause I saw him and I go,

"Hello, Congressman."

He didn't even know

I knew who he was. He turned

Then I just walked away.

I wanted him to see me

do something he couldn't do.

I skipped.

That n*gga was mad.

He's no longer a congressman.

I don't know if you follow politics.

I'm not trying

to be funny, but he lost his seat.

He ran a bad race.

Oh, buddy, yes, he did.

You know what he did wrong?

He was running for Congress again,

and this m*therf*cker

tried to be controversial.

He was on all them right wing podcast

talking all that shit.

He was like,

"Washington is worse than Hollywood."

I was at home, like, "What?"

He said, "These people are disgusting."

"They have orgies

and sex parties and drug parties."

And I was thinking, "This n*gga

sounds like Juicy Smoo-yay."

He's lying.

Now, I don't doubt that they do

this kind of shit in Washington,

but I doubt he's seen it

with his own eyes.

Because who the f*ck invites

a paraplegic to an orgy?

So this n*gga can roll around

and snitch on everybody?

I said there's only one reason

you gonna invite him to an orgy.

And you know what that is.

"Have at it, guys, I can't feel anything."

"Let's get this bill passed for America."

"One at a time, folks."

Oh, buddy.

Yep, yep, yep.

The other handicaps are the new people

I punch down on.

To be honest with you,

I've been trying to repair my relationship

with the transgender community.

'Cause I don't want them

to think that I don't like them.

You know how I've been repairing it?

I wrote a play.

I did. 'Cause I know that gays love plays.

It's a very sad play, but it's moving.

It's about a Black transgender woman

whose pronoun is, sadly, n*gga.

It's a tear-jerker.

At the end of the play,

she dies of loneliness

'cause white liberals

don't know how to speak to her.

Sad.

Speaking of n*gga

I've also been working

on a book, and this is true.

I'm rewriting the American Classic,

Huckleberry Finn,

from n*gg*r Jim's perspective.

It's called The Adventures of n*gg*r Jim.

That's how it starts.

Huckleberry Finn walks up

to him and goes, "You're n*gg*r Jim."

And he's like, "Yo, I just said 'Jim.'"

"What's your name, little buddy?"

"Huckleberry Finn is my name."

"What? Huckleberry?

That's your real name?"

"God-given."

"You know what?"

"Just call me n*gg*r Jim, it's fine."

I don't care if you

are Black or White or whatever.

If you ever meet

a white person named Huckleberry,

he has less money than you.

That is the white trashiest name

I've ever heard in my f*cking life.

If you have a name like Huckleberry,

you're doomed to fail.

If I was in court

and my lawyer came up like,

"I am your attorney, Huckleberry Finn."

I'd be like, "Uh-oh, I'm going to jail."

God forbid I ever go to jail.

But if I do, I hope it's in California.

Soon as the judge sentence me,

I'll be like, "Before you sentence me,

I want the court to know

I identify as a woman."

"Send me to a woman's jail."

As soon I get in there,

you know what I'mma be doing.

"Give me your fruit cocktail, bitch,

before I knock your teeth out."

"I'm a girl, just like you, bitch."

"Come here and suck this girl d*ck I got.

Don't make me explain myself."

You know, I have

a great reputation in show business,

but in comedy,

I'm what's known as a lazy comedian.

Which is crazy 'cause I work all the time,

but that's not why they call me lazy.

They call me lazy

'cause I do shows sometimes

Twenty thousand people be

in the crowd, and I'll tell a joke,

and they'll all look at me like I'm crazy.

But three or four people

will laugh really hard.

And I'll be on stage like,

"Yeah, that's good enough."

Well, this next joke

is one of those jokes that...

You know what I mean?

I like to tell it, but it never does good.

But I'm gonna do it.

Know what I don't do good?

I'm not good at impressions,

but this is an impression.

You ready? Okay.

This is not gonna work.

A'ight, this is my impression.

It's my impression

of the dead people on the Titanic.

You didn't let me finish.

This is my impression

of the dead people on the Titanic,

as the submersible

was approaching their ship.

That's good enough.

All right, here it goes.

I Okay, here it goes.

Come join us

in our watery grave.

Oh, buddy, that's funny to me.

Listen, that is a funny way to die.

Twenty years from now,

on my 70th birthday,

I'm gonna take

a submersible to see the submersible.

Hopefully by then it should work.

My wife hates that joke. You know

Do you know there's a strip club

in D.C. called Camelot?

- Is that still open?

- Yes!

I know what I'm doing

after the show. I gotta tell you

the other day, my wife called me creepy.

You know, I frequent strip clubs.

It's something I like to do.

And my wife said I was creepy

'cause I go to strip clubs by myself.

Is that creepy?

I think that's better

than going with the fellas.

That's creepy to me.

"Hey, let's all go to the strip club

and get our dicks hard together

as a group of friends."

"Drive home in a quiet car

and not talk about

any of the things we've seen or done."

No, n*gga, I go by myself.

But my wife doesn't understand

why I go to the strip club.

It has nothing to do with sex.

I need a pinch of sexual energy

in the room to relax,

but it's more about being out.

I like the music.

A few naked chicks

in there makes me feel good,

but I'm not trying

to socialize or meet anybody.

Sometimes I go to a strip club

and I bring a book.

I do, and I sit right by the stage

'cause the reading light is better.

One time I went to a strip club,

and this is weird,

I don't know why

The stripper, for some reason,

told me her real name.

I know. So I left.

She's like, "Where are you going?"

I was like, "Good night, Deborah."

God bless her,

but my wife is mistaken about my life.

She told me once she thinks my job is fun.

My job is a job.

I'm fun.

It's too dangerous, man.

You know, all last year

I was touring with,

arguably one of the greatest,

if not the greatest living comedian,

Chris Rock.

Me and him toured all year last year.

And right before that tour started,

Chris was involved in what we Blacks

might even consider a g*dd*mn 9/11.

Chris got slapped in the face

at the Oscars by Will Smith,

which was one of

the craziest things I'd ever seen.

In fact, if you watch it live

on television, like I did,

when it happened, I thought it was fake.

I did, and I wasn't sure.

So, I waited 'cause unlike you,

I know Chris.

I waited 30, 40 minutes.

As long as it'll take him

to get to another party.

And I called him on FaceTime

and he picked up.

Soon as he picked up, he said,

"Yous the only n*gga

I'd answer the phone for."

Apparently, Obama and Oprah,

everybody called this n*gga

to see if everything's all right.

And I thought it was fake.

I didn't know. So I asked.

I go, "Well, you know." He said, "What?"

I said, "Did it hurt?"

He said, "Yes, n*gga, it hurt."

And then I knew that it was real.

And then, and only then, was I offended.

I wasn't just offended he got slapped.

That was only half of it.

The offensive part

was after he slapped him,

Will just sat down

and enjoyed the rest of his evening.

It was crazy. He was

"Thank you."

What the f*ck is this?

And then all year we was touring,

and I couldn't wait to see

what he was going to say

in his special about this slap.

I told him all year,

but the night he taped his special...

Chris is one of these guys who's crafty.

You never know

what he's gonna say until he says it.

I went to see him tape his special.

He taped it up the street, in Baltimore.

Now, you guys are from D.C.,

so you know about Baltimore?

We all know that through the years,

D.C. has been through

some very, very tough times.

Sadly, Baltimore

is still in a very tough time.

Not everybody in the world really

can understand the depth of Baltimore.

Baltimore is so desperate that

Tupac and his mother moved from Baltimore

to Oakland for a better life.

And Chris Rock went so hard on the paint.

And I can't believe he did this.

He shocked a Baltimore crowd.

I didn't know that was possible.

I started doing comedy here.

Shocked 'em. And you know

what he said that got 'em?

He looked at the crowd...

I didn't expect him to say this.

He looked the crowds.

All Black. Baltimore Black.

Even if you rich and Black in Baltimore,

you know them n*gg*s

is traumatized about something.

Chris shocked them. This is what he said.

He went to that crowd. He said

"I refuse to be a victim."

The crowd said

And I was backstage looking like,

"n*gga watch the tape."

I know it's f*cked up,

but I tell you the truth,

you know, everything's funny.

Everything's funny 'til it happens to you.

Three months. A mere three months

after that terrible attack

that Chris Rock endured

I was on stage at the Hollywood Bowl.

And a lunatic

jumped out of the crowd and att*cked me.

I got to tell you, if it happens to you,

you don't know what happened.

It was like slow motion.

I don't know this n*gga

I just looked and said,

"Oh, my God. I'm being att*cked."

And this m*therf*cker was ragged.

He jumped me like, "Aah!"

I'm old, but I'm fast.

I caught this m*therf*cker's head

with my hand

and pulled his hoodie over his eyes.

I can still feel his head in my hand.

It was spongy.

He had been growing dreadlocks.

Not the beautiful dreads

that Rastafarians grow.

These were accidental

L.A. homeless dreads.

This shit had leaves and sticks

and bottle caps and shit in it.

Some kind of grease.

I was like, "Ugh!" Like this.

And then I fell down.

He knocked me all the way on the ground.

I was like,

"Man, this is a bad situation."

"I don't know if I'm going to die

or what's gonna happen."

But in that moment of vulnerability,

you know what occurred to me that it never

occurred to me before in my life?

In that moment,

it occurred to me

that bodyguards

should not wear dress shoes to work!

Travis!

This n*gga, Travis,

came out slipping and sliding

in some kind of beautiful loafer

and fell flat on the back.

I said, "Oh, my God.

Now both of us are down."

"I gotta handle this shit myself."

I popped right back And the kid

that knocked me down, he popped up.

And we looked at each other and realized,

same time, I was bigger than him.

And that m*therf*cker took off running.

I started to chase him,

and I said, "Eh, f*ck him."

I picked the microphone up.

Said, "I'm gonna finish this show now."

That's right.

For three months before that,

I had been making fun of Chris Rock.

And people would ask me all the time.

They say, "Dave, what would you do

if you were Chris Rock

and Will Smith slapped you in the face?"

And to this day, the answer is the same.

"I don't know what I would have done."

I've never been

in a situation that extreme.

But I do know now

what Will Smith would not have done.

And that is,

enjoy the rest of his evening.

Man, listen.

We gave that kid a good wallop.

We was whooping his ass.

Not "we." I was on stage

trying to think of a joke to tell,

but they was beating this n*gga up

right behind me. Everybody could see it.

Everybody could see it.

I'm sitting up there

trying to think of what to say.

I'm tongue tied. Me, of all people,

can't think of anything to say.

Look at my karma.

That moment,

of all the people in the world,

Chris Rock walks from backstage.

Walks up to me

in front of 20,000 people,

grabs the mic out of my hands

and looks at the crowd and goes,

"Was that Will Smith?"

Man, m*therf*ckers

fell out of their chairs, laughing.

I was standing there looking stupid.

I was f*cking furious.

'Cause I'm thinking in my mind,

"n*gga, this is my attack."

"You got att*cked three months ago.

Now you have jokes?"

So, I snatched the mic back from Chris

and tried to get one off,

but my shit did not go good at all.

I didn't know... I was like,

"It was a trans man."

And the crowd was like

"Boo. This is L.A.,

we like trans people. Boo."

I know, I felt so bad.

I felt so bad.

But I know why he did it.

You'd have to be there to understand,

but, man, when that guy tackled me,

it was like a movie or something.

You gotta picture this.

Picture a famous person you like.

Every famous person

you could imagine was at that show.

It was, like, the biggest night

that Hollywood had ever seen.

And when that guy tackled me,

he cleared the bleachers.

I had to watch the tape afterwards

to know this happened,

but as soon as he tackled me,

Jamie Foxx was the first m*therf*cker

that jumped out of the crowd.

He was wearing a white cowboy hat,

like, he knew this was going to happen.

Never seen this n*gga

in a cowboy hat before.

And Jamie started chasing

that m*therf*cker

around like Any Given Sunday.

And that kid was fast.

His shit was juking and shaking.

And it broke Jamie's ankles,

and he just kept running.

Then Jon Stewart, from the Daily Show,

ran from backstage

and jumped at this m*therf*cker

like Super Jew. He was, like

The kid's seen Jon coming, so he jumped

back and Jon went flying that way.

This kid was fast. Then he turned around,

he sees the emergency exit,

he starts running for the emergency exit.

Just before he got to the door,

m*therf*cking Puff Daddy

from Bad Boy Records

jumped in front of the door.

That n*gga was like, "Eh-eh, eh-eh."

Boy

Puffy got that m*therf*cker.

Then every celebrity ran out

'cause every celebrity

saw themselves in me,

and they started beating

the f*ck out of that kid.

And I know Chris was backstage

looking like, "Nobody helped me."

Look, it was way more intense

than what you guys might have read.

I don't know what you read,

but the kid,

while we was beating on him,

reached in his waistband,

pulled out 22-caliber p*stol.

That shit was mayhem.

Everybody started screaming,

"Oh, my God, he's got a g*n."

And then I got scared.

I was in the back, but I was scared.

'Cause I knew that everybody

that was with me, was armed.

Yes, if they had shot and k*lled this kid

on stage at the Hollywood Bowl

like I pay you to do, Travis

But Travis G-ed up.

Travis wrestled the g*n

out of the kid's hand.

Then he took it like this and tried

to chamber the round and he couldn't.

So he pulled the trigger

and it wasn't a g*n.

A knife blade popped out of the front.

I guess this kid was going to s*ab me.

That's some scary shit.

So the next night,

even though I didn't have a show,

I said, "I got to get back on stage."

I went and did a show.

And someone in the audience screamed out,

"Dave, what happened with the attack?"

And I didn't know

there was a journalist in the room.

All I said was that this n*gga

had a knife that identified as a g*n.

I got six more weeks

of bad press for that joke.

I didn't even do nothing to this n*gga.

That's not right.

That was not right.

And then the New York Post

went to the jail

and interviewed my attacker

like he was some kind of hero.

And I read that interview.

It turns out

the entire attack was my fault.

Yes, I triggered him.

I didn't mean to.

I had done jokes about the homeless.

It turns out this young man

was homeless.

And, I mean, there's no way

I could've known this.

But I will say

for a homeless guy,

this n*gga had incredible seats.

Oh, and they said I triggered them

because I had done LBGTQ jokes.

And it turns out this fellow was a B.

That was the headline

in the article that said,

"Dave Chappelle's alleged attacker

is bisexual."

I said, "alleged attacker"?

This m*therf*cker definitely att*cked me.

I'll show you the tape.

He's allegedly bisexual.

I'll need to see him suck somebody's d*ck

before I believe the rest of this article.

I read that shit in the paper.

I was horrified.

I was like, "Bisexual?

I could have been r*ped."

No. You know what, though?

It's not funny because

Because after all that madness ensued,

I went to the hotel room.

I was by myself, and I opened the door,

and my wife was in there alone.

She was sobbing. Like sobbing.

I said, "My God, what's wrong with you?

Bitch, did you get att*cked, too?"

And she's crying.

She said, "Oh, my God, Dave."

She said, "If you had died tonight

me and the kids would have nothing."

Then I knew it was serious.

So I sat down on the bed next to her.

I reached in my pocket,

I pulled some keys out

that she'd never seen before.

She's like, "Oh!"

"What are those keys?"

And I gently placed them in her hands.

I said, "Sweetheart, those are

the keys to my safe deposit box."

"God forbid anything ever happen to me."

"But if it does,

don't even worry about it."

"You and the kids

have everything you need in that box."

"I've already taken care of it."

And she was looking at them keys.

And I could see her mind realize

what we were actually talking about.

And then she just started crying harder.

And to be honest with you,

that made me cry a little bit, too.

And we hugged each other real tight.

Do you know this bitch looked in the box

while I'm alive and well?

Who does that?

Oh, my God.

And then she was mad at me.

She said, "g*dd*mn it, David.

I opened that box." I said, "You did?"

She said, "Yes, I did,

and there was nothing in there."

I said, "Nothing?"

She said,

"Nothing except your stupid joke book."

I was like, "Phew."

I said, "Well, sweetie, look."

"If you tell those jokes

exactly how they're written,

you and the kids should be fine."

"They're really good jokes."

She's like,

"Good jokes? What is this shit?"

"'Come join me in my watery grave.'"

No. You gotta roll your throat.

Come join me in my watery grave.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

I have been married a long time.

I have. You know, I talk a lot of shit

about my wife, but I love her very much.

In fact, you know,

you guys wouldn't believe this about me.

I'm a jealous husband.

It's true.

Let me tell you something. One time

I thought my wife was cheating on me.

Yes, n*gga. Yes.

That was one of

the worst days of my f*cking life.

I couldn't take it.

And I'm embarrassed about it now,

but I can talk about it.

You know what I did?

It's f*cked up.

But I did do this. I waited.

I waited for her to fall asleep.

And I waited a long time.

She's Asian.

I couldn't tell if she was asleep or not.

I was looking at her

And when I was sure she was asleep,

you know what I did?

I stole the iPhone.

Took it downstairs,

started trying out passwords

to see if I could open it.

I couldn't figure out the password.

Then I remembered, it's an iPhone.

This shit has facial recognition.

I was just like

And that shit opened right up.

And I saw a text message in there

from a fellow named Earl.

I don't know anybody named Earl.

I woke her up out of her sleep.

I said, "Wake the f*ck up!

Who the f*ck is Earl?"

She said, "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you play dumb with me, bitch!"

"I done open your phone. Who is Earl?"

She's like, "Oh, my God, David."

"That's gay Earl from the hair salon."

I said, "Word. What am I, a dummy?"

"How am I supposed

to know this n*gga is gay?"

And she was calm. She said,

"Read his texts and look at his pictures."

I started reading them texts.

Hmm.

"This fellow sure

does spell girl with a 'u' a lot."

And I switched over and looked

at his pictures and I couldn't believe it.

This fellow looked gay in still pictures.

His mouth was open in every shot.

And then I knew she was telling the truth.

And then I felt, like, dumb.

I said, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry. Okay?"

"I'm sorry. Here. Take your phone."

"I'm sorry. Just go back to sleep.

I am sorry. I just"

"I guess I've just been insecure

'cause of all this cheating

I've been doing. Good night."

She didn't let me leave.

Said, "Since you wanna wake a bitch up"

Then she pulled my phone

from under her pillow.

I said, "What the f*ck?"

She said,

"Who is this bitch in this picture?"

I said, "How'd you open that phone?"

She said, "Easy. All I had

to do was mash my nose

and go like this, and it opened right up."

I said, "What the f*ck?"

She said, "Who is this bitch?"

I said, "Give me that."

"Girl, relax. That ain't no bitch.

This is my friend."

"Deborah."

I'm gonna close the night

with a long story. Do you mind?

All right. It's a long one.

So pretend that I've finished.

'Cause I gotta go get

a cigarette. All right?

I'm not done, but just act like it.

I'd prefer standing ovations

since we're acting.

Thank you very much. Good night.

Thanks for not giving me

a standing O, m*therf*ckers.

This is the worst.

It's all right. I just wanted to smoke.

You like that, don't you?

Okay.

Before I did Killin' Them Softly,

when I was 22,

HBO gave me the biggest opportunity

of my life at that time.

They gave me a half-hour special,

but this shit was not like a special,

you know what I mean?

It was like, generic.

It didn't even have a title.

It just says "Dave Chappelle."

And I shot it in San Francisco,

at a place called Broadway Studios,

which is on the second floor

of a building.

And beneath Broadway Studios

is a nightclub.

And the special

was only supposed to be 30 minutes.

And I got ready. I practiced.

I did all the shit I was supposed to do.

And the night that I taped,

20 minutes into my 30-minute set,

I'll never forget this music.

Music started blasting

from the nightclub underneath.

You could hear it real loud and it f*cked

my whole show up, and I was devastated.

I was a young man.

I really believed in what I was doing.

And I thought

that my dream had been k*lled.

So when I got off stage,

I ran down the steps

to the alley behind Broadway Studios,

where the control trucks are parked,

and I kicked that m*therf*cking door open.

And I started yelling

at all the producers.

I was nobody in show business.

Just a guy that believed in myself.

I said, "Man, you f*cked everything up."

"That f*cking music.

What the f*ck were you thinking?"

And there was a guy

who was a big-time producer.

I ain't saying no names.

He stood up and he said,

"Hey, kid, sit the f*ck down."

He said, "We didn't ruin anything."

He said, "We made

a deal with that nightclub

to not play music,

and they didn't honor the deal."

And I said, "Who didn't honor the deal?"

And he pointed to a guy.

I'll never forget it.

It was an old white man

sitting in a Ford Taurus by himself.

And he said, "That guy right there."

I didn't waste no time

or ask no questions.

I went to that Ford Taurus

and I beat on that window,

I said, "Open the door, m*therf*cker.

I want to talk to you."

That old man looked at me for one second

and wisely drove the f*ck off.

And left me in the alley

cussing at anybody who would listen.

And two minutes later,

literally 120 seconds later,

it couldn't have been any more than that,

the doors of the kitchen

in the alley of that nightclub

underneath Broadway Studios swung open.

And that old man was standing there,

that same old man with reinforcements.

He had two big g*ons with him,

and he looked at me

He was calm as a cucumber.

He said, "You, come here."

"I want to talk to you."

I didn't know anything

about streets at this age.

But I found out later in my life

that these men were Russian mobsters.

I don't know what you guys know

about the Russian mob,

but these are the n*gg*s

that k*lled Denzel in Training Day.

All the producers knew

what I was up against.

They said, "Dave, do not go in there."

And I said, "f*ck y'all."

And I walked right into that kitchen

and they closed the doors behind me,

and it got the dark

as f*ck in there, and I knew.

I'm not dumb.

I knew I was in a bad situation.

But you have to understand,

I believed in what I was doing,

and I didn't give a f*ck.

Just kept cussing at these m*therf*ckers.

Tell them how they ruined my life.

And that old man couldn't believe

that I was talking all of this shit.

And as soon as I took a breath,

he stopped me gently.

He said, "Hey, kid, listen."

"Your friends lied to you."

He said. "We made a deal."

"But your friends never paid me."

And when he said that,

I realized I was locked in a kitchen.

I realized he was telling the truth,

which would make me wrong.

And the moment, the very moment

that I realized I was wrong,

for the first time, I was afraid.

You see, it's a funny thing

if you believe you're absolutely right.

You can get drunk off

the feeling of how right you are.

That's why gay people are so mean.

But I didn't buckle.

You guys would've been very proud of me.

I was scared, but I didn't buckle.

I said, "Well, then, sir,

I owe you an apology."

"But I believe that no matter what reason

that music was playing,

it ruined my life."

And that old man looked at me

with sympathy in his eyes.

And he walked over to me

and he gently placed his hand on my cheek.

Which I gotta tell you,

it is a very emasculating thing to do.

I was standing there looking

at this n*gga's hand on my cheek, like

And he said, "You are a real man."

And he tapped me on my cheek.

Real soft.

And just like that,

the doors open back up.

The light from the alley

flooded into the kitchen,

and I just walked out alive.

I lived to fight another day.

And in that moment,

I learned one of the most

valuable lessons of my life,

and I have to share it with you.

And that lesson is this.

In your life, at any given moment,

the strongest dream

in that moment wins that moment.

I am a very powerful dreamer.

Yeah, I'm not lying.

I dreamed tonight, this very night,

as a 14-year-old boy,

and I am living it as a 50-year-old man.

My dreams are very strong.

Today, I walked all around Washington.

I used to be poor in this city,

and all day, people just said,

"Hey, Dave. Hey, Dave."

Like they knew me personally,

and I felt like I knew them.

And I say to myself,

"My God, Dave, what a powerful dream."

But then, sometimes

Sometimes I feel regular.

I just feel like myself.

Maybe I'll smoke some weed

and be at some nightclub and feel shy.

But I'll look across the nightclub,

see some guy that no one's ever heard of.

But this n*gga worked all week

and got bottle service,

and this bitch is bringing

Mot and sparklers to 'em.

I picture, in my mind, he's Persian.

He's doing some kind

of weird Persian dance.

He got six b*tches at his table

because he got so much liquor.

And they all just saying,

"Go Cena! Go Cena!"

And I was looking across

the room like, "Oh, my God."

"I'm in that guy's dream."

I can hear him telling his friends.

"Hey, how was the club last night?"

"That shit was fantastic.

I had bottle service."

"I seen Dave Chappelle across the club,

looking at me like, 'Who is that?'"

And that's the trick to life.

You have to be wise enough to know

when you were living in your dream.

And you have to be humble enough

to accept when you're in someone else's.

That's why

That's why I don't judge

between Will Smith, and Chris Rock.

Because you guys

look at them as big ideas,

but I look at them as fellow dreamers.

I can't judge between them

because I see myself in both of them.

I am Will Smith.

I am the man that cannot take it anymore

and will slap the shit

out of the next person

that says a cross word to me

or somebody that I love.

And I am Chris Rock.

I am the man that can get slapped

in front of the whole world

and keep my composure

so I don't f*ck anything up.

That is what men do.

Men make boundaries.

Men enforce boundaries.

And men tests boundaries.

And no man test more boundaries

than a trans man.

When I see a fellow dreamer,

I give them my utmost respect,

even if I don't understand

what their dream is.

I know a dreamer when I see one.

And I've met

many powerful dreamers in my life.

None more powerful

than a man who calls himself

Lil Nas X.

I met this n*gga at a party.

I had no idea who he was.

But the minute he walked in that party,

I knew I was in his dream.

Everybody in the party

was another dreamer.

Everyone was famous.

But when that n*gga walked in,

he was dressed like C-3PO.

He was shining.

And everyone was like, "Oh, my God,

there he is. That's Lil Nas X!"

I didn't know who he was.

For some reason,

out of all of them dreamers,

he walked right up to me.

And he said,

"I tried to get you in my video."

I didn't know what the f*ck

he was talking about. I said, "What?"

"What video?"

And he was just looking at me like

"You know what video," and walked away.

And I watched him walk away.

I said, "Man." I said

"This n*gga's having

a very powerful dream."

You know what it reminded me of?

It remind me

of when we was in grade school.

Remember, the teacher would ask everybody

what they want to be.

"Timmy. Timmy, what do you

want to be when you grow up?"

Timmy acted like he had an idea.

He'd stand up and he'd say,

"I want to be a fireman."

And the teacher would say,

"Timmy, that is a beautiful dream."

But Timmy didn't mean it.

Timmy said he wanted to be a fireman

because deep down,

Timmy is attracted to fire.

And by the time he's 14 years old,

this n*gga is a full-blown pyromaniac,

playing with kerosene and matches

like a g*dd*mn expert.

Then one night he goes downtown

with his buddies f*cking around with fire,

burns a warehouse down.

He doesn't know it,

but there's 13 migrant workers

from El Salvador in that m*therf*cker.

They get trapped

and then they die in the fire.

Isn't that a tragedy?

Well, it was an accident.

He's only 14 years old. But he's Black.

So they try him as an adult.

Timmy ends up spending

the rest of his life in jail.

Dream deferred.

"What about you, Billy?"

"Billy? Billy, What do you

want to be when you grow up?"

Billy stands up and he says,

"I want to be president

of the United States."

And the teacher says, "Oh, my God, Billy."

"Billy, that is a wonderful dream."

And Billy means that shit.

Billy does everything right.

That m*therf*cker gets his grades up,

he joins student government.

He even does extracurricular activities

like show choir

just to make his resume look good.

He's on track to be president.

But junior year, he wipes.

When he's 16,

he gets his girlfriend pregnant,

and has to drop out of high school

to make ends meet.

But lucky for him,

the local Walmart's hiring.

By the time he's 20 years old,

this m*therf*cker makes

assistant manager at Walmart.

He's the youngest one in the district.

He says, "Oh, my God,

if I can keep this up for four more years,

I could be a manager."

"If I can keep this up

for six more years after that,

I could even be a regional manager

and have as many

as three Walmarts under my control."

And he's a big-picture guy.

He sees where this path is going.

So he kills himself.

"What about you?"

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I don't wanna say."

"Because I don't want

the other kids to laugh at me."

"Who cares if they laugh?"

"Your dream is yours."

"Own your dreams so they can come true."

"Say it loud and proud."

"What do you want to be when you grow up,

Lil Nas X?"

That n*gga stood up

in front of the whole class.

"I want to be

the gayest n*gga that ever lived."

"I want to do a music video,

slide down a stripper pole,

all the way to the depths of hell,

and suck the devil's d*ck

at ten o'clock on BEwhile all the kids

are awake and can see me."

Shockingly, that was

the only dream that worked out.

That's why I'm here.

Tonight.

In the city

where I built the dreams that I live.

'Cause I wanted

to tell you all that they came true.

And I wanted to thank you all

for making the man that I am today.

Yes, I am living a very powerful dream.

Every time I come to this city

and I stand in front of you,

I realize that, "My God, man,

this is not my dream at all."

"It's yours,

and I am honored to be in it."

Thank you very much, Washington D.C.

I'll see you next time.

This is protected

by the red, the black and the green

at the crossroad with a key.