01x03 - Throuple

[bunniefuu]

[psychedelic rock instrumental playing]

[music fades]

[alarm beeping]

- [rock music resumes]
- [yawns]

[shower tap squeaks]

[engine revving]

[music fades]

[horn honking]

[rock music resumes]

[engine turns over]

[music fades out]

Girl, are you trying to k*ll me?

[laughs] This is amazing!

I know, right? Death by banana bread.

Put that on a shirt.
Girl! You gotta put that on a shirt!

Really? You think so?

Oh, please. I would never take it off.

It would be
my favorite shirt in the world.

"Death by banana bread."

[laughs] You're hilarious!

You're my new best friend.

We're gonna be seeing
a lot of each other, Carol Kohl.

I'll never judge you
or deliberately hurt you,

and I will comfort you when you cry.

Now cut me off a bigger piece,
'cause I'm in...

[thudding]

- [phones ringing]
- [printer whirring]

[melancholy music playing]

[printer whirring]

I couldn't wait.

{an8}[laughs] Large, right?

Oh, my God. Yeah. How did you know?

[scoffs] Please, girl!

I know my Carol.

[uplifting string music playing]

Carol?

Carol?

[music swells, halts]

- Carol?
- [Carol gasps]

Follow me.

You need to stop staring.

- Sorry.
- It's freaky as hell.

Okay. It's just...

Um... It's just that I wanted to thank you.

For the toner.

It's banana bread.

[sighs] sh*t.

- Okay.
- What?

It's nothing. I thought
you might be some kind of psycho.

Listen, this is nice and all,
but before you pull out any more desserts,

I should go.

Okay.

I need to get back to work.

Okay.

- Donna?
- [sighs]

Look, I know you probably
have lots of questions like I did.

- But you'll learn it doesn't matter.
- But how does it even work?

Carol, it's a job.
Who cares how it works? It just does.

- And stop staring at me.
- Okay.

- I'm serious. Stop staring.
- Sorry.

If I see you staring again,
I'm gonna throw a stapler at you.

Got it.

[ship horn blowing]

[seagulls squawking]

[upbeat dance music playing]

Bernard!

sh*ts! [laughs]

[clicking and chattering]

It's like holding an eggplant! Ha!

[shutter clicks]

That's really nice.
Elena's going to love that one.

[lounge piano music playing]

Oh, my goodness. [chuckles]

Welcome aboard The Grand Coda.

My name is Captain Jason McNelis.

And I'll be your skipper
on this journey around the world.

Captain! This is such an honor.

- Thank you.
- It feels like we're in good hands.

Well, sir, you're in the best.

I've been out on the seas
for 30 years now,

and have captained
The Vision, The Fantasy,

The Esposito, and now The Grand Coda.

Anyway, welcome aboard
and enjoy your meal.

[all] Thank you.

[tense music playing]

Welcome aboard The Grand Coda.

Welcome aboard.

...going on 30 years now.

...The Fantasy, The Esposito...

Yes, 30 years now.
A little bit about myself?

...The Vision, The Fantasy...

...a family of fishermen...

...going on 30 years now...

Enjoy your meal.

Enjoy your meal.

Enjoy your meal.

[sighs deeply]

[music fades]

[somber music playing]

Thirty f*ckin' years.

[sighs]

[music fades]

[faint birdsong]

[phones ringing]

- Excuse me.
- Listen up.

We're gonna need volunteers
to stay and work through the night.

- Show of hands?
- Who can stay?

[both] Thank you.

[soft music playing]

[keyboard clacking softly]

Mmm!

Oh.

Any good?

I was getting kind of hungry too.
You mind if I...

Oh. No.

Of course.

It's some kind of audit.

Huh?

The question about the office.
It's some kind of audit.

I don't know what we're doing exactly
or how it works, but...

[inhales sharply]
...it's some kind of audit.

Oh.

That's pretty much all I know.
Anyway, I should get back to work.

Sorry I was rude before.
It's just, you really did freak me out.

It's okay.

- Hey, Donna?
- Yeah?

Death by banana bread.

What?

- Oh, nothing. Uh...
- [tense string music playing]

It's, uh... death by banana bread?

Carol, is there something in that bread?

Oh, no. There's... [exhales]

It's just regular bananas, eggs, flour.

It's a s-saying?

[tense music swells, fades]

Okay.

I'll see you around.

[soft music playing]

[ticking]

[clicking]

How's your night going?

Not bad. Yours?

It's okay.

- Time just kinda...
- [snorts, gasps]

What?

Does staying late happen a lot?

Sometimes.

It's like an "every other month" thing.
The reason always changes.

Monthly reports due,

quarterlies for something or other, fires.

- Fire?
- Yeah. People settin' sh*t on fire.

One lady didn't wanna go home.
She tried setting the elevators on fire.

Don't make me go back out there.

I can't.

Please! Please! No!

No. I hate it. I hate it out there!

[dramatic stinger plays]

I get that.

[soft music playing]

[chuckles]

I'm not sure why,

but it's strange as hell bumping into
someone from work on the outside.

[child crying]

Jonathan, please get up.

Mommy wants to go home.

[babies screeching and sobbing]

I am going to count to three. One...

We've never mentioned it.

But she didn't need to say a thing.

sh*t, after raising five
mostly on my own, I got it.

Sometimes you just need an office.

[clock ticking]

[somber music playing]

[distant seagulls squawking]

[music fades]

[ticking]

[somber ambient music playing]

- Ever make zucchini bread?
- Sometimes.

Mm. I can't bake for sh*t.

[Donna] Tenth floor
has a private bathroom.

And most of the soda machines are empty,
but 22 still has Mr. Pibbs.

I bring in my own Schweppes.

Your nails are really nice.

Thanks.

I do all my own designs.

Cow print, butterflies,
dog paws, cat paws,

little ducks, roosters,
pizza, burgers, tacos,

sunflowers, roses, poppies,
daisies, palm trees, bumblebees,

polka dots, sunrise, sunsets,

different flags,
American, Mexican, Japanese...

- [whooshing sound]
- [snorts, gasps]

She's always like,
"The only real prison is our minds."

- She got a thing with her arms?
- Oh, no. She's skydiving.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's annoying.

I went up one floor to Sales.

[Donna] Uh-huh?

And two floors down to Marketing.

Right.

There was nothing there.

- [whooshing sound]
- [gasps]

[Donna] You start dreaming
about this place yet?

You too?

I did payroll last night.

I think I sent a fax.

[ticking]

- Does your family know you come here?
- No, they think I'm writing a novel.

- My parents think I surf.
- What?

I know.

I don't even like putting on a swimsuit.

You told your parents you surf?

[laughing]

And they believe that sh*t?

[laughing]

[sighs] This is nice.

Yeah.

[whooshing sound]

[snorts]

[murmuring softly]

Carol, I swear,
if I knew you had a thing about parakeets,

I never would have brought them up.

[crying] I'm just tired.

No, I'm sorry. It's my fault.

I'm just tired.

[crying]

[music fades]

- That guy was on the Food Network.
- Really?

Hosted a cook-off show.

I wonder why he's here.

We've all got our reasons.

- [man] I think I know why.
- Huh?

Sorry. You were talking about
why we're here?

I think I know why.

Hi. I don't think
we've ever been formally introduced.

I'm... Luis.

Donna.

Luis.

Donna.

Hi. I'm Carol.

Nice to meet you.

Wow. Look at this.

Mmm.

Would you like a piece?

Yes, please.

A... A little bigger. Little...

Oh! Bless your heart. [chuckles]

Thank you!

Mmm!

So, you were...

Oh, right. [hesitates] Why he's here.

Actually, why we're all here.

Um...

[whispers] It's because we're dead.

Mmm, delicious.

Moist, with a... a slight crumble.

Like, metaphorically?

No, like we're all dead.

We all d*ed, and now we're all here.

Uh-huh.

In an office?

Purgatory.

The office is, um, Purgatory,
or at least I think so.

- It's just one of my theories.
- Yeah, no. I don't think so.

Think about it.

Why would the office
still be up and running

if it wasn't Purgatory?

Who the hell knows?
But it doesn't mean we're dead.

Like, wouldn't I know if I d*ed or not?

Not necessarily.

Trust me. I've given this some thought.

I wonder how I d*ed.

Carol! You're seriously buying this?

No, but I still wonder.

[waves crashing]

You drowned in the ocean.

Yep. That's what I thought.

Would you like to know
how I think you d*ed?

- [horn blaring]
- Hell no.

Already know how I'm gonna die,

and I don't need you
going on about it either.

So how do you think you d*ed?

Massive heart att*ck.

Just a massive coronary.

Mmm.

What's in this?

[chewing] Cinnamon?

[ticking]

[whooshing sound]

[snorts, murmurs confusedly]

[exhales]

Oh.

You mind if I...?

It's your ship.

[lighter clicks]

Can't sleep?

Just... happy. [chuckles softly]

Your parents seem to be
having a good time.

- They're not my parents.
- Oh. They're not?

- We're a throuple.
- Oh.

Good for them.

Uh, and you.

You all seem happy.

Couldn't be happier.

[Jason murmurs]

- Where'd y'all meet?
- I was Bernard's registered nurse.

Oh, wow.

Isn't there like an oath
that you... You know.

- I'm sorry if I, uh...
- No, it's okay.

I know this kind of stuff
is generally frowned upon,

but for the past three years,
I've dressed Bernard,

washed him, fed him, given him his sh*ts,

and each and every single day,

he's looked at me with this love
that I've never felt before.

That's a love that changes you.

I bet.

I fell for him first.

And Pauline, well,

she exudes this affection
and compassion that I just admire.

I don't care what my oath was,
or the ethics behind it,

or what my responsibility
was to my profession.

[Jason] Hm.

[Michael] I just wanted to spend
my whole life within that,

and I knew doing any less
was going to feel dishonest.

Nothing haunts you
like the choices you don't make.

Exactly.

And the sex?

Sublime.

- I'm gonna head back inside.
- Have a good night.

You too, Captain.

[ticking]

[phones ringing]

- Excuse me.
- Listen up.

It's time for office calisthenics.

Please follow along,

as studies show stretching
keeps proper blood flow to the muscles.

This is mandatory.

[both] Let us begin.

[light instrumental music playing]

[music halts]

If this isn't Purgatory, right, or a cult,

then I can't see how you'd say no
to it being performance art.

But there's no audience.

Art doesn't need an audience.

It just needs to be pure.

Yeah, that's not this.

Look, look at this woman at the copier.

[printer whirring]

[Luis] Tell me that isn't pure.

[yawns]

I can kind of see it.

That's just crazy!

So, what, the boss is like
some art director

giving out lines
for a show no one is ever gonna see?

Why not?

Because it's insane!

Okay, well, if it's not that,
then I have no idea what this is.

It's just work!

Why does it need to be
more complicated than that?

Maybe he's just lonely.

- [ticking]
- [melancholy music playing]

[whirring]

[gasps]

[panel beeping]

[ringing]

[woman] Three bananas,
two cups all-purpose flour...

- [Donna] Hello?
- ...one cup sugar, one spoon cinnamon.

Who is this?

[eerie music playing]

These really are the best dreams.

[high-pitched ringing]

- [whooshing]
- [ringing stops]

Work dream?

[chuckles] Yeah.

I got so much done.

[whispers] Come on.
I wanna show you something.

[crow squawking]

This used to be the headquarters for this
big-time food and beverage company.

[elevator bell dings]

But that's not the exciting part.

[giggles]

[elevator bell dings]

Isn't this great? It's a tanning salon!

The building must have rented out
an unused floor for extra money.

What? What's wrong?

[sighs] Nothing.

I was just expecting
more of a Wetzel's Pretzels situation.

Come on. It's gonna be fun.

We'll lotion, get some sun, some...

some vitamin D.

C-Come on, guys.

C-C... Carol?

I don't know.

This kind of thing makes me uneasy.

Fine.

I was just trying to show you guys
something fun, and, uh...

I'm sorry, it's just been a long night.
I feel, like, so...

[sobs]

Luis, are you okay?

Look, I'm sorry.

We've been inside all day.

Maybe some sun

or pure, concentrated UV light
would do us some good.

Right, Carol?

Carol agrees too. Come on.

[Luis] Really?

Yeah. But I'm keeping my clothes on.

- I didn't plan on all this.
- That's totally fine.

I promise... this is going to be great.

[Donna laughs softly]

I'm not gonna lie. This ain't bad.

How you doing back there, Carol?

It's sort of like a coffin.

But the blue light makes it soothing.

What would you get?

[Luis] Without a doubt,
the sesame chicken.

Mm! It was the best in the world.

[Donna] The "world" world?
Like, this world?

Absolutely.

I've been all over,

and nothing comes close
to the sesame chicken from Panda Express.

- [Donna] I find that hard to believe.
- I've had it.

It's very authentic.

Yeah. I've ordered it too,
but I wouldn't call it all that.

It's not even the best in the city.

I didn't say anything
when you said Sbarro's, okay?

I wasn't picking it for their pizza.

I said that's where
I used to take my kids after games.

[inhales sharply] That's what I miss.

What about you, Carol?
Is there anything you miss?

Um, well,

recycling, mostly.

And the feeling you get from saving money.

And Applebee's.

I wish I'd appreciated it more.

You don't realize the true value of things
until they're gone.

Is that like a Chili's?

It's nothing like a Chili's.

It's different. Trust me.

[Donna] So you've really traveled?

Me? Oh yeah. I've been all over.

The UK, Germany,
China, Albania, Madagascar.

Name a place, I've been there.

[Donna] Ugh. Sounds exhausting.

Yeah, well, I was a younger man then.

I started at 17.

sh*t, 17?

I was pregnant with Marlon at 17.

That year I'd just come out to my parents,
and I went for it.

I was like this burden had been lifted,
and I just said, "f*ck it!"

I dropped out of school
and backpacked through South America.

Was it nice?

The best experience of my life.

[sniffles] Wajto.

[Donna] What's that?

[Luis] Just a dude I met.

Wajto.

Flying stresses me out.

The takeoffs, and the landing part,

and I guess

the part where you're in the air.

Oh, traveling was never my thing either
with the kids and work.

There was always something.

That's what they're all doing now.
Traveling. Janet is in Ibiza.

Oh! I love Ibiza!

Oh! The club scene
and the dr*gs are f*cking amazing!

Of course. [sniffles] Great.

But, honestly,
I... I don't think you missed out.

Sure, the majority
of my trips were amazing, but...

they were also such a blur.

The friends you make all come and go,

and... it starts to wear thin.

You could be in paradise,
but you still feel so far away.

[Donna] I know what you mean.

I spent my whole life thinking
I was working toward something.

I screwed up in the beginning,
but I did everything right.

[sighs] Everything.

[bell dings]

Donna?

Uh, Donna, y-you probably should get out.

It's not something
you want to lie in for too long.

Hello?

[Donna sniffles, weeps]

[sobbing]

You two look ridiculous.

[Donna inhales, sighs]

I just thought carving out a little piece
was gonna make a difference.

sh*t, owning a business
made me feel special.

How dumb is that? And for what?

So some f*ckin' thing could
come out of the sky and wipe it all out?

I just feel so stupid.

You know why I'm here?

I don't really know what I want.

Everyone's got all these plans and I...

[Donna] Nothing wrong with that.

Hell, work was the only thing
that ever made sense to me.

Just clicks. That's the me I like.

This is actually
the first job I've ever had.

You've never worked before?

Never. But I love
all those little tools you guys use.

You know that feeling
when you press down on a stapler?

I really enjoy that.

The Post-its are my favorite.

Oh, the click of the mouse.

We should probably get back.

[birds singing faintly]

I wonder where it came from.

Doesn't matter.

You know, I got a couple theories.

[dramatic string music playing]

[music fades]

- Hey, uh...
- Excuse me!

Eyes up here, g*ng.

[both] You're all dismissed.

[faint birdsong]

[Carol] See you Monday!

Bye.

We live in the same building.

Oh.

I drive him to work.

[engine turns over]

[melancholy song playing]

[engine turns over]

♪ Wonder if it happened... ♪

You said you had a business?

A nail salon.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

I do all sorts of designs.

{an8}French, floral stamp,
tribal, African, Aztec,

jewel-encrusted, sequined,
tie-dyed, nude, silver-tipped,

checkered, geometric, metallic,
monochrome, cobra, zigzag...

[paper ripping]

[Luis] Wow.

Did you say "Aztec"?

♪ Never turned away ♪

♪ I nearly ran inside ♪

♪ Waiting for the call ♪