05x23 - Candy Sale

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- My name is Mr. Candy.

My, what a nice-looking group of students.

Who can tell me what I'm holding in my hand?

- Uh...your nads?

[chuckling] - Yeah.

[snickering] - No, my right hand.

- Is it a candy bar?

- It's more than just a candy bar.

It's the future of your school.

Now, who'd like a candy bar?

[students clamoring]

Who would like candy bars?

- Over here! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- 'Cause I've got 'em here with me today,

and I plan on giving them all out,

but there's a catch.

I'm not giving them to you to eat.

- Um...

- I'm giving them to you to sell.

- Uh... - Selling candy is a fun way

to help yourself and the school.

- All right, losers.

Remember, you are competing against other classes,

and I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose!

- Hey, yo, homey.

How much you give me for that?

- This right here?

This ain't worth nothin', man,

but I will give you one of those radios.

- Wow. How come Coolio has to, like, sell stuff?

I thought he was, like, a big, rich rap star.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

It's like all these rap dudes

always get ripped off by the man.

- [snickers] Really? That sucks.

The gotta find the man, you know,

like, find out where he lives,

and just go beat the crap out of him.

- Yeah, really. [chuckles]

- Whoa. Check it out. - Yeah.

- [chortles] - Young Coolio.

[sniggling]

- Coolio.

I am Coolio.

[laughing]

- Coolio rules.

[chuckling]

- ♪ We used to play tag and hide-and-go-seek ♪

- This kind of reminds me of that "Sanford and Son" show.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I remember that show.

Check this out, Butt-Head. [snickers]

[Fred Sanford impression] Lamont!

Lamont, I'm gonna have a heart attack.

This is the big one.

Weezy, I'm coming to see you!

[giggling] - Yeah.

He was cool. - Yeah.

I like that show 'cause there was, like,

lots of garbage everywhere. - Yeah.

[snickering]

- ♪ I remember, oh ♪

- If I was a Black dude, it's like,

I'd grow my hair into, like, a really big Afro--

like, feet tall and stuff--

then I'd cut out a big hole in the middle, like,

just to keep stuff, you know? - Yeah.

- Like, I could put, like, some nachos in there,

you know, my keys, you know, stuff like that.

That would be cool. [chuckling]

- You oughta just, like, keep all that stuff

in your butthole, Beavis. [chortling]

- Oh, yeah. [snickering]

♪ ♪

- Now, our candy bars are personalized

with your school's name on the wrapper,

and they're a real bargain at only $ each.

Heck, they practically sell themselves.

Now, what if I told you that the richest man in the world--

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Yeah. [titters]

Blah, blah, blah!

"They practically sell themselves."

[guttural noises]

- Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls.

Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say

when a customer says no.

- Uh...

I'd say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

[moaning]

- Blah, blah, blah, blah.

"What do you do when a customer says no?

You seem to know it all."

[guttural noises] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Well, I wish you luck,

but it seems we're out of time.

[doorbell buzzing]

- Yeah? - Uh...

our school's making us sell candy.

- Yeah. [snickers]

We're losers. Yeah.

- What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?

You boys couldn't a dollar for cents.

- Uh, they're $, sir. - Yeah.

Don't try to rip us off, buttwipe.

[titters] Yeah.

- Hmm.

Well, I've only got $.

- By one from me.

- No way! Buy one from me.

Cut it out! Get out of the way.

- I'll, like, sell mine for half price, sir.

- Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

- Half price?

Well, now you're talking.

Here, why don't I take one from each of you?

You boys better start charging full price.

I'm sure your school can't afford to lose money.

- Selling stuff sucks. [chuckling]

- Yeah. [guffawing]

Hey, Beavis, I'll buy one of your candy bars for $.

- No way. They're $, butthole.

- Uh, then can you, like, loan me a dollar?

- No way, 'cause then you'll have, like, $,

and I, like, won't have any. [snickers]

- Come on, Beavis. I'll buy one from you.

That way you'll sell a candy bar,

plus you'll have $. [laughs]

- Um, okay.

Cool. Yeah. [tittering]

Let me have some. Come on.

- No way. [chuckles]

I'll sell you one for $.

- Um, okay.

- This town sucks.

We're never gonna sell any candy.

- Hey, Butt-Head, you should try one of these.

They got peanuts. It's really good.

[chortles] - Oh, yeah?

[snickering] Cool.

Hey, Beavis, wanna buy a candy bar from me?

- Um, okay. [snickers]

You wanna buy one from me?

- Uh, okay. [chuckles]

[indistinct chatter on television]

Selling candy's pretty cool.

[giggling] - Yeah.

[Shudder to Think's "Hit Liquor"]

- ♪ Dead asleep ♪

♪ ♪

- Whoa. - Yeah. [chuckles]

- This is horrible.

- Yeah, really.

[chortling]

Bunch of rich kid sissy boys prancing around on a boat.

- Yeah.

[chortling]

- ♪ Hip liquor ♪

- Whoa, check it out. It's Don Henley.

I didn't know he was a wuss. [titters]

- You didn't? [chuckles]

Where have you been, Beavis?

He's a total wuss.

- Really? [guffawing]

- Yeah.

Any time you see a dude on TV and he's, like,

trying to save some forest or something,

it means he's a total wussy.

- Um, really? - Yeah.

- Let me see. Um, Sting.

Yeah, he's a wuss. - Mm-hmm.

- Let's see, um, who else?

Um, Ted Danson. Yeah, he's a wussy.

- Yeah. [snickering]

And don't forget Jackson Browne.

[laughing]

- Ahh! Look at that.

He's, like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boob.

[laughing]

- Whoa. - This is scary, Butt-Head.

What if after I die, like, some guy comes around

and fiddles around with my wiener?

- So what, Beavis? You'd be dead.

It doesn't matter. [chuckles]

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick,

I'd probably kiss her. [chortling]

- I'd kiss a dead chick right here.

- Um, yeah. So would I, yeah.

[chuckling]

But that's kind of messed up, Butt-Head.

- Uh, I know. I was just kidding, Beavis.

[chuckles] - Um...

- You were probably serious.

- Well, no. Not really.

[giggling]

- Excellent job, class.

Hey, Butt-Head, remember that dollar I borrowed to you?

- Uh, oh, yeah.

[chuckles] I remember it.

- Yeah. Me too. [snickering]

Um, oh, yeah.

I, like, need it back.

- Well, boys, let's see the big sellers.

How'd you do?

- We sold every one of them, dude.

- Yeah. [sniggling]

They practically sold themselves.

Yeah. [snickers]

- Well, maybe there's hope for you yet.

- Ahh! Don't touch me, asswipe!

- So where's the money?

- Right here, dude.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

Here you go. Yeah.

- That's it? There had better be

a hell of a lot more money than that, boys.

- Nope. That's all of it, dude.

$. - Yeah.

You can count it if you want.

- I don't believe you. I want you to give me

everything you've got in your pocket.

- [chortles] Hey, Beavis,

he wants what's in your pocket.

[giggling] - Yeah.

He's a pocket fisherman. - [groans]

Oh, no, you're not gonna pull that again.

It took me six months to get another job.

Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp.

- Ahh! He's trying to touch my wiener!

Let go, pervert! [tittering]

- Kick him in the nads, Beavis.

- You too, you little farter!

- What the hell are you doing?

This is my class!

I do the ass-kicking around here!

- Wait your turn, jarhead.

[grunts]

[percussive music]

- You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candy-Ass!

I hope you know something about hand-to-hand combat!

- Oh, you're going down, soldier boy.

[grunts]

- Ahh! - Oof!

[grunting]

- Get him! Kick him! [guffawing]

- Kick him in the butt.

- Kick him in the nads! Yeah.

[laughing] - Ow!

- Yeah! - Ahh!

[Varga's "Greed"]

- Whoa. [chuckles]

This kind of rocks.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just, like, long hair and drums.

- Yeah.

You can't lose with that.

[chuckling]

- ♪ Forget all that you've come to know ♪

♪ 'Cause greed is the way to go ♪

- There should be more bands like this.

- Uh, there's about a million bands like this, Beavis.

- I know. I know. There needs to be more.

There should be one of these speed metal bands,

like, everywhere. [chuckles]

Like in the mall and, you know, like--

like, at the store and, like--

like, down on the corner and stuff like that.

Yeah. [snickering] - Uh...

I guess that would be pretty cool.

[chortling]

- They should have, like, something in your house

where you can just, like, turn it on

and see a band like this

and, like, turn it up really loud.

- [chuckles] That's a good idea, Beavis.

You'd think they would have come up

with something like that by now.

- Yeah. Yeah. [titters]

I should, like, go to shop class

and, like, work on it.

- Cool. Check out all that money.

- Yeah. Yeah. Money.

Money! Money! [snickering]

- I wonder if all that money is, like, the band's money

or if they, like, just had to go rent it

to make this video.

- We should, like, rent some money

and then just go, like, spend it on stuff.

[giggling]

- Yeah.

You're full of good ideas today, Beavis.

- Yeah. Yeah. [snickers]

You see?

You should listen to me once in a while, dumbass.

- Beavis, I got a good idea.

[chuckles]

Shut up. - Oh, yeah.

[snickering]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪