05x14 - Beaverly Buttbillies

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- What in tarnation's a skyscraper?

- It's a very tall building, Mr. Clampett.

- What in tarnation is a building?

- It's a structure where people live or work.

With all your money, you could easily erect one.

- What in tarnation's a--

- Did someone say "erect"?

- Uh. [both laugh]

- Yeah. - Who in tarnation are you?

- 'Cause I reckon I can erect things

as well as any boy can.

- You sure can. - Yeah.

Me too.

[both sniggling]

- Hey, Beavis.

We need to, like, strike oil

just like those dudes.

Then we'll be able to get money and chicks and stuff.

- Yeah, uh, yeah.

We are there. [both laugh]

We're there.

[light rock music]

- [laughs]

"Aspen Extreme."

- That movie sucked.

[laughs] I sat through that whole damn sucky movie

for two hours, and that chick never got naked.

- Yeah.

It's a good thing we snuck into that movie,

'cause if we had to pay,

I would've been kicking ass all over the place.

- Yeah, really.

How could she not get naked

when they say "ass" right in the title?

- Yeah. [both chuckle]

- ♪ Uplift the moods ♪ - Whoa.

I didn't know that, like, uh, rap dudes skied.

- Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-Head.

- Yeah. - [chortles]

- They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort

that they'd be sure that no real rap dudes

would find 'em and beat the crap outta them.

- It's the only place they're safe.

They probably, like, sit around the corner

and, like, have their, like, big ouncers

of hot chocolate. - Yeah.

- No chicks? No butts?

- Give me some marshmallows, biatch.

- [laughs]

- Change the channel, Butt-Head.

I've had enough of this.

- Okay. I think it's over, though.

- Oh, good, it's over.

No, no.

- Uh, now it's over.

- Oh, okay. Now it's over.

[sighs] Oh, no. Damn it!

[laughs] Come on. Change it, Butt-Head.

This song's never gonna end.

- What a bunch of butt-munches.

[rhythmic music]

- Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[both laugh]

Ooh, I've seen these guys before.

- No, you haven't, Beavis. We've never seen this.

- Yes, I have.

Aah! - [laughs]

- I've been havin' nightmares about these guys.

Uh, what is this?

Come on, Butt-Head. Change it. This is freakin' me out.

- [chuckles]

- Beavis, you wuss.

- Aah! Look! He's looking at me!

- How could you be scared of these guys?

- You don't understand, Butt-Head.

You haven't seen what these guys do.

I have these nightmares, and it's like, they tie me

to a chair... - Mm-hmm.

- And there's, like-- they dance around me

and look at me and go... [vocalizing]

And then the get medieval on my ass.

- [chuckles]

- Aah, he's waving at me!

And it's like--it's like they're smiling because, like,

they know what they're gonna do to me.

And you know what else freaks me out?

- Uh. - It's like,

they have 'nads on their heads, see?

See? See? They're just dancing around now,

but--but--but pretty soon they're gonna do it, see?

- Beavis, those aren't 'nads.

Those are, like, uh, antennas.

- Well, but, I mean, how do you know there aren't, like,

'nads inside the antennas?

Aah, no! Not the beach ball! No!

- [laughs] - No! Aah!

[glitches]

No, no. Come on, come on.

Besides it's like, I think they use those

in tennis to, like, receive evil messages.

- Beavis, you wussy. - [yells]

Oh. Oh, good. I think it's over.

- [cackles] - [sighs]

- Yeah. [laughs] - [chuckles]

[both grunting]

Digging for oil sucks.

- Um. - [groans]

[cackles]

- Um.

Yeah, it sucks.

- Hey, Beavis,

we're in a hole.

[both laugh] - Oh, yeah.

Hole.

[strains] Hey, Butt-Head. Butt-Head!

I just, like, felt something.

- Uh. - Yeah. [laughs]

- Okay.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

Wait, no, no.

I mean, I felt something, like,

with my shovel.

Come here. Check it out.

- [laughs] [shovel clanging]

- [groaning]

[both coughing]

It's oil! It's oil, Butt-Head!

We found oil! [coughs]

It's oil! - [coughs] Cool.

A bubblin' crude.

- [laughs] Yeah.

[both cough]

Oil, that is.

- Black gold.

- Texas tea. [laughs]

- Ugh. [coughs]

Oil smells like turds.

- Yeah. [both cough]

I bet that's why it's so expensive.

[sniffs] - [coughs]

Yeah. [both laugh]

- [coughs] - We're gonna be rich.

- Yeah. Oil. [both cough]

[sniffs] - [coughs]

[both chuckling]

- We're gonna be rich.

- Yeah, me too.

- We're there, dude.

- Yeah.

[laughs]

Um, we're, like, still here.

I thought we were gonna be rich.

- Uh, hmm. Let's see.

[mumbling gibberish]

Move away from there, so, uh...

I think we need to, like, sell it and stuff first.

- Oh, yeah. [laughs] Cool.

[bin creaking]

[both grunting]

- Ugh, well, I guess we found the break in the sewage line.

- Damn, and I just showered day before yesterday.

[buzzer rings]

- [grunts]

- What in the hell?

- Uh, we're, like, selling oil.

- Yeah. Black gold.

Texas tea. [chuckles]

Oil rules.

- Well, it sure as hell does.

You know, I keep a -gallon drum of oil

in my garage, but oil is highly combustible.

It has to be handled properly.

You can't just go door-- - Oil smells like turds.

- Yeah. - Besides, that stuff's...

- Like expensive turds. - Liable to spill

if you carry it around

in an open garbage can.

And you and me are gonna tangle

if one drop of that gets on my property.

- Uh, so, like, how many barrels would you like, sir?

- Yeah. We don't have all day.

- Damn it, boys. Get that barrel of crap

the hell outta here now.

- What a dumbass.

Get out here and pick this stuff up.

- Yeah, really.

Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.

A rubber. - Oh, yeah.

[both chuckle]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ They say that all is fair ♪ - Um.

Is this Alice Cooper?

- Uh, this is a chick, Beavis.

- Hmm. - This is an all-chick band.

- Oh, yeah.

You couldn't put Alice Cooper

in an all-chick band anyway

'cause, like, all the chicks would, like,

just be all over him.

- Yeah. [both laugh]

It'd be the same way if I was in an all-girl band.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or, like, me or something, yeah.

Whoa, that chick can punch.

- Uh, I think that was a dude, Beavis.

- No way, Butt-Head. That's a chick.

It's one of those girl boxers.

That's cool. They can kick ass.

They get in the ring and bitch slap each other.

- Beavis, that's not a chick.

That's a dude. - No, it's not.

You said it's an all-girl band.

It's, like, an all-girl band. They get a chick boxer.

Whoa, look at the 'nads on that chick.

- [laughs]

Beavis, chicks don't have 'nads.

How many times do I have to tell you that?

- I know that, Butt-Head.

I just thought maybe, like, you know--

maybe they put 'em on, you know,

'cause she was fighting.

Like clip-on 'nads. [chuckles]

- You're a damn weirdo, Beavis.

And you're stupid too.

- Shut up.

- And chicks don't like you. [laughs]

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

Some chicks like me.

[both laugh]

- Turn off the main valve!

- Uh, hey.

Are you fartknockers trying to steal our oil?

- No,

but we fixed your sewage leak.

- Uh, sewage?

That doesn't come out of the ground, dumbass.

It comes from, like, toilets and stuff.

- No, it doesn't.

it comes out of your ass.

Dumbass. [both laugh]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

It comes out of your butt, butt-much.

[engine turns over] - Yeah.

It comes out of your weed, dillweed.

- Uh, yeah. [laughs]

Uh, it, uh...

uh, wait. I got one.

Uh. [both laugh]

[alternative rock music]

- Um, is this a Jon Stewart show?

- Uh, no.

That's on another channel now.

I think this is, uh--

uh--

- [screams] - Whoa.

- [screams maniacally]

[both chortle]

- That was cool.

- Yeah, thanks.

- I was talking about the chick's scream, Beavis.

- I thought mine was pretty cool.

This sounds like--kind of like one of those records you get

for Halloween--like those sound effects records,

like, of people screaming and stuff.

- Halloween is cool. - Yeah, yeah.

- 'Member that old lady down the street

that used to, like, give all the kids donuts

that she made herself? - Mm, mm-hmm.

- It's like her husband was dead,

and her kids were all grown up and lived away.

- Yeah, I remember that, yeah.

- So it's like the only thing in life

that really made her happy was making

these homemade donuts

for the kids on Halloween.

- Yeah, that's right. That's right, mm-hmm.

- But then I told everybody

that she was, like, putting dr*gs in 'em

and needles and stuff.

- [laughs] - So she got arrested.

- Oh, yeah.

[both sniggling]

That was kind of messed up, Butt-Head.

- Yeah. - Butt-Head, shut up

and check that out. - [screams]

- [screams insanely]

- [laughing]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I--I should hook up with these chicks.

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪