05x13 - Episode 13
Posted: 12/13/23 18:52
- And how are you this morning, my fine fellow shirt?
You look well.
I have good news, sir!
You are the shirt I choose to represent me today.
Serve me well, sir, but do not fear,
for if I did not have every confidence in the world in you,
you never would have gotten the job.
Hey, pajamas! The kid's a little nervous.
[singing]
What, what's that?
But I beseech you, good Sir Underwear!
Do not quit!
We have gone through too much together
for you to leave me now.
What about a deal, sir?
You stay with me until I find a replacement,
and when I do, if you still want to leave,
I shall retire you with honors!
That's a promise, sir!
What's that, socks?
Oh, you socks are always joking.
You make me laugh so.
You look at life through such bizarre eyes.
Where do you get your ideas?
I can't imagine life without you.
Stop it, socks! You're k*lling me.
[singing]
What?
You are out of order, sir,
and therefore you'll get only silence from me!
I mean it, pants.
Not a word till I get an apology.
Don't sulk. You only demean yourself.
Morning, coat.
Did you sleep well? Thank you, good sir.
Scarf, no more of those nasty nightmares, I hope.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet someone new.
This is hat.
Hat, this is scarf, coat, shirt, underwear,
socks, and shoes.
Welcome aboard, hat.
All right, g*ng, off to work.
Nope, I can't hear you, pants. Nope.
Not a word till I get an apology. No, siree!
Look, we have a -minute bus ride ahead of us,
plenty of time for you to think about it.
[laid-back rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- It's a big step.
- I could lose the ring.
- No, good buddy. I'm a big man.
I've got to take the big step.
- Or I could lose the ring.
- Nope. Today I leap.
Hey, baby! You look great, hi!
- Ah, jeez, you're not supposed
to see me yet, you gearbox!
- Oops. Sorry, baby.
- Sure you don't want me to swallow it?
- No, for I have pledged a band of gold.
- Excuse me. - Hey, what's your problem?
Haven't you seen a guy in a tux before?
You want your face kicked in?
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, now. You know the rules.
No fighting, and no ---- tossing!
It's my day!
- Sorry, Charise.
---- tossing?
You think my family's small?
You think we all weigh pounds?
- God, no, baby.
They're practically giants, like you.
["Wedding March" plays]
- It's showtime.
*
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to--
there's no smoking.
- Why not? It's my day, you frig.
- Baby.
- We're gathered here today to join these two people,
Sue...
[men cheering]
And Charice--
[women cheering]
In holy wedlock.
Is there anyone here today
that has reason these two should not be wed?
- Yeah! I have a reason.
[people gasp]
- What is it?
- She's not a virgin!
- Well, what do you think, stupid?
We have a baby.
- So you readily admit you're not going to be a virgin flower
on our wedding night?
- I told you, precious,
how I gave away that gift at a kegger in Grade .
Come on!
- Oh, I remember now, okay.
But how do I know that baby's even mine?
- Well, it's got your hamster hands.
- It weighed ounces at birth,
and it had to live in an incubator for four months!
- My baby! - Yeah.
My namesake! - You know it!
I'm sorry, baby! - You know it!
- Okay, does anybody else have a reason
these two should not be wed?
- I do. You're drunk!
- Oops.
- Baby, I had five or six sh**t to settle my nerves.
- I have a reason.
I'm a tax consultant,
and financially it'll cost you two about $ a year
off your taxable income.
- Well, nobody ever talks about that.
- Anybody else? - Yeah!
The seas have all dried up.
A man can't make a living fishing anymore.
- Uncle Kelly's right.
- Anybody else?
- Well, I do.
Well, there is that really long list
of guys you said you'd rather marry.
Alphabetically, Antonio,
Anastasio, all those guys from Double A Towing--
- Oh, you had to do it, didn't you?
- Well, the man asked-- - Hold it!
Let's see if I can't put this another way.
Is there anyone here who has a reason
that these two should be married?
[crowd murmuring]
Oh, well.
- Wait, I've got a reason.
'Cause it was meant to be.
Cupid hit us bad.
crowd: Aw!
- Oh, my little unwed flower.
- Yeah.
Come on. Let's give our baby a name.
- I will. I'm just having trouble thinking one up.
Let's get married first.
[applause]
- Okay.
Blah blah blah, I now pronounce you man and wife--
- Double A Towing?
I just heard it, Double A Towing?
That's where Stan works, right?
- Come on, baby.
I told you that time that we just drove and towed!
- I want a divorce. - What?
- Swallow the ring.
- Geronimo!
[slurping]
- Does anybody have a reason
these two should not be divorced?
all: No.
- Then I now pronounce you not man and wife.
- Oh, God, it happened, and it's over.
I knew something was going to go wrong.
It just always does.
- It's better this way.
- Oh, baby.
You know I love it when you cry.
- And you know I love it when you love.
crowd: Aw!
- Let's get married.
- My god, can you believe he's asking me?
I don't know what to say.
- Well, you are in a wedding dress.
- I know, but I'm a divorced woman now.
I'm used goods!
- Well, statistically, second marriages
work a lot better than first marriages.
- Did you hear him, baby?
It was meant to be.
Let's give her.
- Give her?
God, you're so romantic.
- Okay, I now pronounce you man and wife again.
- I'll get you the ring later.
- You may-- and it's your choice--
kiss the bride.
*
- Hey, baby. It's an attack.
Hide the baby.
- It's just rice, stupid.
Okay, girls. Come on.
Everyone together.
- Come on.
- What? No one wants my bouquet?
Somebody better pick it up.
Somebody better pick up that bouquet.
[laid-back music]
*
- Excuse me, miss?
Hi, I'm a film producer.
We're, uh--we are--I am.
We're making a film in town next month,
and we're casting, uh, complete unknowns.
I think you might be right for one of the leads.
Uh, would you like to be a movie star?
- Really? You--really?
- [laughs] No, I'm from Undercover Video.
That's our camera right down there.
Why don't you wave and say hello?
Thanks for being a good sport, huh?
- Look, don't screw with people's dreams.
Do you hear me?
- Jocelyn. You shouldn't have done that.
You didn't even find out what time it was on.
- Oh, yes.
Hey, what--what time will it be on TV?
- Is it cable? - What channel?
[upbeat music]
*
- You're right; the phone doesn't work.
- I told you.
- Listen, I just saw the grossest thing in my life.
- What?
- I was coming up in the elevator--
- Uh-huh. - And there was a guy there.
He was a pretty normal guy. - Uh-huh.
- But he bent over to pick up his briefcase--
- Yeah? - And his pants shifted.
And I caught a glimpse of his leg.
- Ew, gross!
- And it was white.
- Oh, that's so gross.
- Yeah, I saw it. Well, I darn near puked.
- Oh.
- A white leg? - Yeah.
- Please stop it.
- Last night I'm watching TV,
and they have the gall to show that really gross commercial.
- Don't tell me, the one
where the woman cleans the table with wax?
- I thought I was gonna puke.
- If I had seen that ad, I would have puked.
- Oh, they cleaned the table with wax?
They didn't! - They did.
- Can we please stop it?
- Yeah.
- Hey, I'm going to order some headcheese.
- Okay. - Go ahead.
- Headcheese. You know, cow brains?
Would you guys like some? - No.
- No, thanks. I ate on the bus. - What?
Public transit almost makes me puke.
- Oh, now you're going to make me puke.
Tokens and transfers?
Just the thought, okay, please?
- Oh!
Oh, you wouldn't believe
what happened to me today on my way to work.
I passed someone's old furniture actually sitting on the street.
- Oh, don't tell me.
Not their couch that they, like, sat on and stuff?
Oh, if I had seen that,
I would have bent over and puked.
- Listen, I'm going to go lick the belly of a dead bloated rat
that's floating in sour milk.
- Okay. - Okay, fine.
We'll see you later. - That's fine.
- I was in high school--
- Stop. I'm going to hurl.
- No, there's even more.
I was in high school,
and I found out that my teacher's first name...
was Mel.
[both retching]
Well, when I found that out, I darn near puked.
And the fact that I darn near puked
made this other guy puke.
- And when you saw his puke, you darn near puked.
- No.
- Well, did you see it, the puke?
- Yeah.
- Gee, I wonder what it would taste like.
- Huh. Jeez.
- Semi-digested food, I guess.
- I mean, yeah, probably.
I mean, that's what it smells like.
[phone rings]
- Oh, please, get it! Get it. Get it quick.
I'm going to puke. I will. I will.
- Hi, I'm the repairman.
Apparently, if they answer the phone, they'll puke.
Okay. It's Sheena.
Her message is, if you're late for dinner, she'll puke.
- Okay, thanks a lot.
- I just saw someone lick a stamp.
[men retching]
- I'm a repairman in an imperfect world.
[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
*
- I mean, they're ludicrous. What is this?
- I know. I know. But you got to wear them.
You know, for my calves? - Oh, I know.
It's so lovely. - Shortens the muscle.
Oh, guess who came by last night.
- Who?
- Your old boyfriend Johnny.
- Oh, Johnny. - Yeah.
- Oh, that's nice--and--
so did--did you two, did you--did you?
- Yeah, yeah. We did. We did.
- Oh, that's--that's sweet.
- I think he wants you to give him a call.
- How do you know?
- He gave me a quarter.
- Come on.
[upbeat music]
*
- David Farsi.
Stephen Jenkins.
Byron Tranter.
Jason Plant.
Christine Cringle.
David Tanner.
Peter Popolis.
Pharaoh.
Antonio Chamino.
David Parker.
Lincoln Starr.
Steven Green.
Bill Wong...
- Excuse me, Scott? - Mm-hmm?
- I mean, Mr. Thompson? - Yeah?
- Listen, I just wanted to thank you for,
first of all, being so open.
- Uh-huh?
- [whispers] Openly gay. - Oh, no problem.
- But second of all, for what you did tonight.
You know, when you read off that list
of names of all the gay men that you knew that died of AIDS,
it was so powerful.
- Thank you.
I really wanted to do something powerful.
- Well, it was.
It was really powerful.
Listen, can I get your autograph?
- Yeah, sure.
No problem.
Okay?
- You know, can I get a hug?
- Yeah, sure.
- Can I touch your penis? - No.
I mean, yes.
Darn.
[angelic music]
[both shrieking]
- Mmm. Mmm.
- David?
- In the ectoplasm.
- But you're-- - Dead?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- So how's the afterlife?
- Well, it's a lot like Vancouver.
- I knew it.
- Scott. - Yes?
- I saw the AIDS special you did tonight with Cynthia Dale,
and might I say she's looking fabulous.
- Surgery.
- So fierce.
And I thought that when you read out that list of names,
it was tres, tres powerful.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I really wanted to do something--
- Shut up. - Yes.
- Scott, a few of us noticed
that the list was, how shall we say, incomplet?
- Oh, I forgot your name, didn't I?
- Yes, and, frankly, you made me look like a fool.
I told everyone here that I knew you.
And when you read out that list of names and I wasn't on it,
I felt humiliated.
Now they all think that I'm a liar,
and they're teasing me that I died of cancer.
- Look, it was really unprepared.
I wrote the list that night on a napkin.
- Yes, I noticed.
Still putting ketchup on shrimp, I see.
- What can I say? I'm a goof.
- Yes, you are.
Now, I don't want to harp on this--
[harp music]
Cherubs.
But it's odd that you would forget me, don't you think,
seeing as how I'm the model
for your hit, hit character, Buddy Cole?
- Well, not really.
- Yes, really. Who taught you how to lisp?
Truman Capote? - Yes.
- No, he didn't. We've become friends.
- Oh.
- So tell me, what happened?
- Well, okay.
Um, I already had three Davids on the list,
and I didn't want everybody to think
that all gay men were named David.
- Well, why not call me Davey?
Or by my drag name, Jenny Craig?
- I'm sorry.
How can I make it up to you?
- Well, you can write up this little encounter
as a sketch on your TV show.
- Yes.
- And Scott? - Yes?
- Get Mark to play me.
He's the most talented anyway.
Well?
- [sighs] Okay.
Let's shake.
- I don't shake.
I dissolve.
- Wait, don't go!
What does God look like?
- Oprah!
- I knew it!
- "She Watches" on four.
One, two, three, four!
- * She watches me all the time, time, time *
* And I don't even know her name *
[terrible music]
* I don't even know her game--
- He's really broken up.
- He'll be okay.
He doesn't seem that bad.
- Well, at least she left him
some insurance money.
He's set up pretty well.
- I sure hope he'll be okay.
- Oh, I think he'll be fine. Don't you think?
- Mm-hmm.
[jazz music playing]
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
*
Yeah, that's good. Good.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, yeah.
- bucks?
- Again.
*
Mm.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[dog barking in the distance]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's what.
Mm-hmm.
That's nice, yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- bucks.
That'll be dollars, please?
- Yeah.
Again.
Yeah, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh--yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.
That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, teach me, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh.
Don't tease. Don't tease.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh, good, good.
Yeah, yeah, too much, yeah.
- $.
- Don't got.
Again, eh?
Yeah, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Again, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
Again.
- Do you understand?
The bank is foreclosing on your mortgage
because you haven't made any payments.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Apparently, you spent all your money?
Do you understand?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[jazz music playing]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- Okay, that'll be bucks.
- Don't got.
Again, again.
Again, again!
Again!
[simple harmonica music]
Yeah.
*
Again. Again.
Again, again. Come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Again.
**
**
You look well.
I have good news, sir!
You are the shirt I choose to represent me today.
Serve me well, sir, but do not fear,
for if I did not have every confidence in the world in you,
you never would have gotten the job.
Hey, pajamas! The kid's a little nervous.
[singing]
What, what's that?
But I beseech you, good Sir Underwear!
Do not quit!
We have gone through too much together
for you to leave me now.
What about a deal, sir?
You stay with me until I find a replacement,
and when I do, if you still want to leave,
I shall retire you with honors!
That's a promise, sir!
What's that, socks?
Oh, you socks are always joking.
You make me laugh so.
You look at life through such bizarre eyes.
Where do you get your ideas?
I can't imagine life without you.
Stop it, socks! You're k*lling me.
[singing]
What?
You are out of order, sir,
and therefore you'll get only silence from me!
I mean it, pants.
Not a word till I get an apology.
Don't sulk. You only demean yourself.
Morning, coat.
Did you sleep well? Thank you, good sir.
Scarf, no more of those nasty nightmares, I hope.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet someone new.
This is hat.
Hat, this is scarf, coat, shirt, underwear,
socks, and shoes.
Welcome aboard, hat.
All right, g*ng, off to work.
Nope, I can't hear you, pants. Nope.
Not a word till I get an apology. No, siree!
Look, we have a -minute bus ride ahead of us,
plenty of time for you to think about it.
[laid-back rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- It's a big step.
- I could lose the ring.
- No, good buddy. I'm a big man.
I've got to take the big step.
- Or I could lose the ring.
- Nope. Today I leap.
Hey, baby! You look great, hi!
- Ah, jeez, you're not supposed
to see me yet, you gearbox!
- Oops. Sorry, baby.
- Sure you don't want me to swallow it?
- No, for I have pledged a band of gold.
- Excuse me. - Hey, what's your problem?
Haven't you seen a guy in a tux before?
You want your face kicked in?
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, now. You know the rules.
No fighting, and no ---- tossing!
It's my day!
- Sorry, Charise.
---- tossing?
You think my family's small?
You think we all weigh pounds?
- God, no, baby.
They're practically giants, like you.
["Wedding March" plays]
- It's showtime.
*
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to--
there's no smoking.
- Why not? It's my day, you frig.
- Baby.
- We're gathered here today to join these two people,
Sue...
[men cheering]
And Charice--
[women cheering]
In holy wedlock.
Is there anyone here today
that has reason these two should not be wed?
- Yeah! I have a reason.
[people gasp]
- What is it?
- She's not a virgin!
- Well, what do you think, stupid?
We have a baby.
- So you readily admit you're not going to be a virgin flower
on our wedding night?
- I told you, precious,
how I gave away that gift at a kegger in Grade .
Come on!
- Oh, I remember now, okay.
But how do I know that baby's even mine?
- Well, it's got your hamster hands.
- It weighed ounces at birth,
and it had to live in an incubator for four months!
- My baby! - Yeah.
My namesake! - You know it!
I'm sorry, baby! - You know it!
- Okay, does anybody else have a reason
these two should not be wed?
- I do. You're drunk!
- Oops.
- Baby, I had five or six sh**t to settle my nerves.
- I have a reason.
I'm a tax consultant,
and financially it'll cost you two about $ a year
off your taxable income.
- Well, nobody ever talks about that.
- Anybody else? - Yeah!
The seas have all dried up.
A man can't make a living fishing anymore.
- Uncle Kelly's right.
- Anybody else?
- Well, I do.
Well, there is that really long list
of guys you said you'd rather marry.
Alphabetically, Antonio,
Anastasio, all those guys from Double A Towing--
- Oh, you had to do it, didn't you?
- Well, the man asked-- - Hold it!
Let's see if I can't put this another way.
Is there anyone here who has a reason
that these two should be married?
[crowd murmuring]
Oh, well.
- Wait, I've got a reason.
'Cause it was meant to be.
Cupid hit us bad.
crowd: Aw!
- Oh, my little unwed flower.
- Yeah.
Come on. Let's give our baby a name.
- I will. I'm just having trouble thinking one up.
Let's get married first.
[applause]
- Okay.
Blah blah blah, I now pronounce you man and wife--
- Double A Towing?
I just heard it, Double A Towing?
That's where Stan works, right?
- Come on, baby.
I told you that time that we just drove and towed!
- I want a divorce. - What?
- Swallow the ring.
- Geronimo!
[slurping]
- Does anybody have a reason
these two should not be divorced?
all: No.
- Then I now pronounce you not man and wife.
- Oh, God, it happened, and it's over.
I knew something was going to go wrong.
It just always does.
- It's better this way.
- Oh, baby.
You know I love it when you cry.
- And you know I love it when you love.
crowd: Aw!
- Let's get married.
- My god, can you believe he's asking me?
I don't know what to say.
- Well, you are in a wedding dress.
- I know, but I'm a divorced woman now.
I'm used goods!
- Well, statistically, second marriages
work a lot better than first marriages.
- Did you hear him, baby?
It was meant to be.
Let's give her.
- Give her?
God, you're so romantic.
- Okay, I now pronounce you man and wife again.
- I'll get you the ring later.
- You may-- and it's your choice--
kiss the bride.
*
- Hey, baby. It's an attack.
Hide the baby.
- It's just rice, stupid.
Okay, girls. Come on.
Everyone together.
- Come on.
- What? No one wants my bouquet?
Somebody better pick it up.
Somebody better pick up that bouquet.
[laid-back music]
*
- Excuse me, miss?
Hi, I'm a film producer.
We're, uh--we are--I am.
We're making a film in town next month,
and we're casting, uh, complete unknowns.
I think you might be right for one of the leads.
Uh, would you like to be a movie star?
- Really? You--really?
- [laughs] No, I'm from Undercover Video.
That's our camera right down there.
Why don't you wave and say hello?
Thanks for being a good sport, huh?
- Look, don't screw with people's dreams.
Do you hear me?
- Jocelyn. You shouldn't have done that.
You didn't even find out what time it was on.
- Oh, yes.
Hey, what--what time will it be on TV?
- Is it cable? - What channel?
[upbeat music]
*
- You're right; the phone doesn't work.
- I told you.
- Listen, I just saw the grossest thing in my life.
- What?
- I was coming up in the elevator--
- Uh-huh. - And there was a guy there.
He was a pretty normal guy. - Uh-huh.
- But he bent over to pick up his briefcase--
- Yeah? - And his pants shifted.
And I caught a glimpse of his leg.
- Ew, gross!
- And it was white.
- Oh, that's so gross.
- Yeah, I saw it. Well, I darn near puked.
- Oh.
- A white leg? - Yeah.
- Please stop it.
- Last night I'm watching TV,
and they have the gall to show that really gross commercial.
- Don't tell me, the one
where the woman cleans the table with wax?
- I thought I was gonna puke.
- If I had seen that ad, I would have puked.
- Oh, they cleaned the table with wax?
They didn't! - They did.
- Can we please stop it?
- Yeah.
- Hey, I'm going to order some headcheese.
- Okay. - Go ahead.
- Headcheese. You know, cow brains?
Would you guys like some? - No.
- No, thanks. I ate on the bus. - What?
Public transit almost makes me puke.
- Oh, now you're going to make me puke.
Tokens and transfers?
Just the thought, okay, please?
- Oh!
Oh, you wouldn't believe
what happened to me today on my way to work.
I passed someone's old furniture actually sitting on the street.
- Oh, don't tell me.
Not their couch that they, like, sat on and stuff?
Oh, if I had seen that,
I would have bent over and puked.
- Listen, I'm going to go lick the belly of a dead bloated rat
that's floating in sour milk.
- Okay. - Okay, fine.
We'll see you later. - That's fine.
- I was in high school--
- Stop. I'm going to hurl.
- No, there's even more.
I was in high school,
and I found out that my teacher's first name...
was Mel.
[both retching]
Well, when I found that out, I darn near puked.
And the fact that I darn near puked
made this other guy puke.
- And when you saw his puke, you darn near puked.
- No.
- Well, did you see it, the puke?
- Yeah.
- Gee, I wonder what it would taste like.
- Huh. Jeez.
- Semi-digested food, I guess.
- I mean, yeah, probably.
I mean, that's what it smells like.
[phone rings]
- Oh, please, get it! Get it. Get it quick.
I'm going to puke. I will. I will.
- Hi, I'm the repairman.
Apparently, if they answer the phone, they'll puke.
Okay. It's Sheena.
Her message is, if you're late for dinner, she'll puke.
- Okay, thanks a lot.
- I just saw someone lick a stamp.
[men retching]
- I'm a repairman in an imperfect world.
[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
*
- I mean, they're ludicrous. What is this?
- I know. I know. But you got to wear them.
You know, for my calves? - Oh, I know.
It's so lovely. - Shortens the muscle.
Oh, guess who came by last night.
- Who?
- Your old boyfriend Johnny.
- Oh, Johnny. - Yeah.
- Oh, that's nice--and--
so did--did you two, did you--did you?
- Yeah, yeah. We did. We did.
- Oh, that's--that's sweet.
- I think he wants you to give him a call.
- How do you know?
- He gave me a quarter.
- Come on.
[upbeat music]
*
- David Farsi.
Stephen Jenkins.
Byron Tranter.
Jason Plant.
Christine Cringle.
David Tanner.
Peter Popolis.
Pharaoh.
Antonio Chamino.
David Parker.
Lincoln Starr.
Steven Green.
Bill Wong...
- Excuse me, Scott? - Mm-hmm?
- I mean, Mr. Thompson? - Yeah?
- Listen, I just wanted to thank you for,
first of all, being so open.
- Uh-huh?
- [whispers] Openly gay. - Oh, no problem.
- But second of all, for what you did tonight.
You know, when you read off that list
of names of all the gay men that you knew that died of AIDS,
it was so powerful.
- Thank you.
I really wanted to do something powerful.
- Well, it was.
It was really powerful.
Listen, can I get your autograph?
- Yeah, sure.
No problem.
Okay?
- You know, can I get a hug?
- Yeah, sure.
- Can I touch your penis? - No.
I mean, yes.
Darn.
[angelic music]
[both shrieking]
- Mmm. Mmm.
- David?
- In the ectoplasm.
- But you're-- - Dead?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- So how's the afterlife?
- Well, it's a lot like Vancouver.
- I knew it.
- Scott. - Yes?
- I saw the AIDS special you did tonight with Cynthia Dale,
and might I say she's looking fabulous.
- Surgery.
- So fierce.
And I thought that when you read out that list of names,
it was tres, tres powerful.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I really wanted to do something--
- Shut up. - Yes.
- Scott, a few of us noticed
that the list was, how shall we say, incomplet?
- Oh, I forgot your name, didn't I?
- Yes, and, frankly, you made me look like a fool.
I told everyone here that I knew you.
And when you read out that list of names and I wasn't on it,
I felt humiliated.
Now they all think that I'm a liar,
and they're teasing me that I died of cancer.
- Look, it was really unprepared.
I wrote the list that night on a napkin.
- Yes, I noticed.
Still putting ketchup on shrimp, I see.
- What can I say? I'm a goof.
- Yes, you are.
Now, I don't want to harp on this--
[harp music]
Cherubs.
But it's odd that you would forget me, don't you think,
seeing as how I'm the model
for your hit, hit character, Buddy Cole?
- Well, not really.
- Yes, really. Who taught you how to lisp?
Truman Capote? - Yes.
- No, he didn't. We've become friends.
- Oh.
- So tell me, what happened?
- Well, okay.
Um, I already had three Davids on the list,
and I didn't want everybody to think
that all gay men were named David.
- Well, why not call me Davey?
Or by my drag name, Jenny Craig?
- I'm sorry.
How can I make it up to you?
- Well, you can write up this little encounter
as a sketch on your TV show.
- Yes.
- And Scott? - Yes?
- Get Mark to play me.
He's the most talented anyway.
Well?
- [sighs] Okay.
Let's shake.
- I don't shake.
I dissolve.
- Wait, don't go!
What does God look like?
- Oprah!
- I knew it!
- "She Watches" on four.
One, two, three, four!
- * She watches me all the time, time, time *
* And I don't even know her name *
[terrible music]
* I don't even know her game--
- He's really broken up.
- He'll be okay.
He doesn't seem that bad.
- Well, at least she left him
some insurance money.
He's set up pretty well.
- I sure hope he'll be okay.
- Oh, I think he'll be fine. Don't you think?
- Mm-hmm.
[jazz music playing]
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
*
Yeah, that's good. Good.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, yeah.
- bucks?
- Again.
*
Mm.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[dog barking in the distance]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's what.
Mm-hmm.
That's nice, yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- bucks.
That'll be dollars, please?
- Yeah.
Again.
Yeah, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh--yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.
That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, teach me, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh.
Don't tease. Don't tease.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh, good, good.
Yeah, yeah, too much, yeah.
- $.
- Don't got.
Again, eh?
Yeah, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Again, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
Again.
- Do you understand?
The bank is foreclosing on your mortgage
because you haven't made any payments.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Apparently, you spent all your money?
Do you understand?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[jazz music playing]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- Okay, that'll be bucks.
- Don't got.
Again, again.
Again, again!
Again!
[simple harmonica music]
Yeah.
*
Again. Again.
Again, again. Come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Again.
**
**