01x07 - Lights, Camera, Moo!/Animal Farmers

[bunniefuu]

I'm just heading to the fields, duke, I'll be back.

[Animal noises]

Clear!

[♪...]

All right!

"Rat-abunga!"

Man: ♪ from the haystacks up to the hilltops ♪

♪ We go on dancing...

[Animals cheering]

♪ ...through the night

Ow, ow, ok, ow.

Ow!

Whoo!

♪ Do-si-do your partner now

♪ Gonna party now till the morning light ♪

♪ Do-si-do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll. ♪

Ha-ha!

[♪...]

Movie, movie, movie...

Otis: the saloon.

Movie night.

The crowd chants feverishly.

Close on bessy, the surly cow with a heart of acid.

She turns.

[Screaming]

Brain discomfort.

Hey, otis, are you done with the clowning around already?

I'd like to show the movie.

Thank you.

I'm not clowning, I'm excited.

Movies are my passion.

I thought extreme hovercrafting was your passion.

Yes, and that was great for last week, but this week?

Movies.

[All talking at once]

Ok, ok, calm down now.

Now, you know how I promised you an action-packed thriller

That'll keep you on the edge of your seats?

[All talking at once]

You're the man.

Well, I lied.

[Animals groaning]

It was the only way to get you in here.

All right, roll the mandatory safety film.

[All groaning]

Don't roll it.

Come on, duke.

You make us watch this stupid safety film every year.

It's a complete waste of time.

Yeah, look at the board.

We've gone two days without an accident.

Actually, it's three days.

I'll change it.

[Whimpering]

[Grunting...]

[Crashing]

[Grunting...]

Third floor, men's socks.

[Grunting]

[Crashing]

Ow.

[Groaning]

Roll the film.

[♪...]

Narrator: all seems calm in any farm, u.s.a., But don't be fooled.

That crop duster is chock full of nasty pesticides.

So when you hear that noise, it's time to duck and cover.

[Duck quacking]

[Narrator laughing]

Narrator: not that kind of duck.

[Laughing]

[Coughing]

[Duck quacking]

Oh, this is so lame.

Come on, that last sh*t was screaming for a close-up.

And who lit this, a cave bat?

I suppose you think you could do better.

I know I can do better.

Watch how a softer diffusion of light can completely change the...

[Crashing]

Oh, that's the opposite of good.

Otis, what did you do?

You ruined the safety film.

[Cheering]

No safety film?

No safety film?

We'll never be safe again!

[Whimpering]

Freddy: medic?

Guys, it's no big deal.

We can make a safety film times better than that stink-burger.

In fact, I'm gonna make the film myself.

You?

I got ticks with more talent than you.

Oh, really?

Did any of those ticks direct the classic home movie, "mr. Pig visits the outhouse"?

[Booing]

Hey, I liked it.

If you let me direct this movie, you can all star in it!

[Cheering]

Actors.

Ok, before we start filming, we need to get rid of the farmer.

He's always been good to us, but if you say so.

No, not that way.

[Phone ringing]

What's that?

The farmer of the year committee?

[Gasping]

I've been nominated for a "farmy"?

[In australian accent]: that's right, sport.

The ceremony is at the civic auditorium in brisbane, australia.

See you thursday, mate.

See, mommy?

I'm a winner.

Ok, everyone, welcome to the first day of sh**ting on my new blockbuster epic

"Haunted mutant space cows from planet murray".

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute here.

Come on, this script has nothing to do with safety.

Au contraire, my furry friend.

"H.m.s.c.p.m" will teach safety in an exciting, action-packed, and award-winning way.

Pip.

Actors on set for the big traffic safety awareness scene.

Okay, pig-o.

Yeah.

In this scene, you're luke skyporker, galactic ranger.

Yeah, otis, my space pants keep riding up on me.

Fantastic.

That's real.

Use it.

Abby, you're the beautiful, yet dainty, princess butterchurn.

Help me, luke skyporker.

You are my only...

Close enough.

Freddy, peck, you're the totally expendable service droids who get vaporized

In the first scene.

Can you do it?

[Imitating robot beeping]

He said it's the part he was born to play.

Fantastic.

Let's try one.

Now remember, you're trying to get across the intergalactic highway.

[Clearing throat]

Safely across.

You're trying to get safely across.

Ok, and action!

Hurry, princess butterchurn.

The alien space slug's gaining on us.

Good.

You stop, you look.

[Clearing throat]

Both ways.

And cue the deadly asteroids.

Say what?

Huh?

[Screaming]

That's good, that's good.

Feel free to ad lib.

[Screaming]

Peck, what's my line?!

Uh, oh, let's see.

Oh, ok.

You look up, see certain death approaching and scream, "no!"

Got it.

Cut.

Print.

Great work, everyone.

Pip, those styrofoam rocks were "perfecto".

Styrofoam?

Whoopsie.

Otis, why didn't you warn us?

We could've been k*lled.

Yeah, you try running in sticky space pants.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize.

It'll never happen again.

But on the upside, I really captured your authentic emotions.

How did we do, otis?

You were fantastic.

Stole the show.

Moving on!

Actors on set for the big predator awareness scene.

Whoa.

Ok, guys, in this scene, you're lovestruck teenagers.

But I thought we were a ragtag bunch of rebel space warriors.

That was a dream sequence, babe.

Now, you're camping by the side of the lake

When suddenly, you hear a noise in the forest.

Finally, some common sense tips about predator safety.

What are we talking here?

Coyotes?

Hawks?

What?

You'll see.

And action!

This summer was magical, donna, and not just because we met at magic camp.

Oh, dallas.

I have serious lovey-dovey feelings for you.

Kiss me hard.

Holy cow.

Very touching, very moving.

Cue the animatronic, chainsaw-wielding scarecrow!

Whoa.

[Screaming]

Otis, can we take five?

Sure.

Pip, hit the off button.

Um, off button?

Uh-oh.

Let's keep rolling.

[Screaming]

I think free lunch is my favorite part of the movie business, freddy.

It's certainly the least dangerous.

Yeah.

[Screaming...]

[Panting]

Thank goodness this tree was here.

He stopped.

Now's our chance to sneak away.

Good idea.

When do you want to do that?

I think the sooner, the better.

Me too.

Well then, we're agreed.

We'll sneak away immediately.

Ok.

[expl*si*n]

Ok, break time's over.

Let's set up for the next scene.

Are you out of your mind?

I quit.

Yeah, me too.

If these special effects don't k*ll me, these tight costumes will.

I told you cecil b. "Demoron" had no idea what he was doing.

Oh, so that's the way it is, huh?

Freddy, peck, are you guys quitting too?

What?

And give up show business?

We're living the dream.

Look at the bright side.

If we get this stuff back to the rental place, we won't have to pay for an extra day.

You mean give up?

Deprive my adoring public of my vision?

Never!

Set up for the storm-preparedness scene!

But you got no actors, no crew.

Oh, haven't i?

Quiet on the set!

Uh, we're the only ones on the set.

I said quiet!

Sorry.

And action.

[In high-pitched voice]: it's a twister, it's a twister!

Auntie em, auntie em!

[Whispering]: cue the storm.

Yes!

I can feel it!

This is the film that's going to make me!

More wind!

[Laughing]

Whoa!

[All talking at once]

Ok, here's the deal.

I have one parachute, but I figure if we all...

So long, suckers.

[Screaming...]

[Crashing]

A little help, suckers?

Turn off the fan!

What?

Turn off the big fan!

Of course I'm your biggest fan!

These creative types are so insecure.

There's only one way to save the barnyard.

I just hope my adoring public can forgive me.

[Animals screaming]

Pig: hey, guys, guys.

I think we're falling now.

[Animals screaming]

[Crashing]

[Animals talking and groaning]

Thank goodness you're all ok.

For a second, I thought it was gonna be a really depressing wrap party.

You prime, grade-a moron.

You almost k*lled us.

[All talking at once]

Hey, guys, easy.

Otis sacrificed his movie to save you.

Check it out.

[Animals talking at once]

I'm sorry, guys.

I let my ego get the best of me.

But if it means anything, I'm giving up my movie dreams.

[Cheering]

Yeah, not really an applause line, but whatever.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Could I remind everybody that we still need a new safety film?

Hm.

I have an idea.

That's right, children.

Don't be like otie the idiot cow.

Be safety wise.

[Groaning]

[Laughter]

Ok, maybe this'll be the one I'm remembered for.

Whoa...!

[Grunting]

[Sobbing]

I can't feel my feet.

[Laughter]

Bravo, bravo!

Ah, zip it and eat your popcorn.

Otis: jealous?

[Slap]

Otis: ow.

[♪...]

Now remember, the key to yoga is to be calm, centered, and completely relaxed.

[Clucking]

Oh, that's awkward.

[Cracking]

That ain't good.

That's really awkward.

Now, let's...

Drop everything, people.

Stumpity joe's coming to town.

Stumpity joe's coming to town.

Get out of here.

You're kidding me.

Pig: oh, that's great.

Sorry, I got excited.

You know, otis, I was in the middle of teaching a...

Really?

'Cause I was just in the middle of telling everyone

That stumpity joe's coming to town!

Let's see.

We'll need this, this, that, this...

Hey, I don't get it, otis.

Who's stumpity joe anyway?

[Gasping]

What?

Oh boy.

Get comfortable, everybody.

This may take a while.

Uh, he's only the greatest country music star in the universe.

Perhaps you've heard of "stand by your horse", hm?

"Coal miner's dentist"?

Pip: and that new hit that's rocketing up the charts.

Pip, six-string me.

♪ Well

♪ You broke my heart, so I b*rned down your farm ♪

♪ You made me cry, so I blew the place sky-high ♪

♪ You knocked me down and made a fool out of me ♪

♪ But I feel better now that I've destroyed your property. ♪

Joe's in town to sh**t a music video, and he needs animal extras!

[All talking at once]

If you want to be on the audition tape, meet us in the meadow, a.s.a.p.

For the love of heaven and rice, stumpity joe is coming!

As if we'd ever want to be in his stupid video.

I guess stupid is contagious.

Hey, otis, don't I need a contract for this?

Why, so you can eat it?

Oh, because I'm a pig?

Well, that's insulting.

What flavors do they come in?

Pip: uh-oh, farmer.

What?

What is he still doing out there?

I need that tractor for the audition tape.

It's his busiest time of year, otis.

He's got to get the crops in for the big farmer's market.

Well, maybe I can find a way to speed things up a little.

Hold up, "cowzilla".

Don't mess with the farmer when he's bringing in the crops.

If they don't get in, this place goes out of business

And we'll all have to get real jobs.

Real jobs?

Ok, so that's a half-caf, extra hot.

Man: quarter-caf, semi-hot.

Quarter hot, extra half.

Quarter-caf, semi-hot, extra foam.

Extra foam, extra half.

Extra foam.

Extra foam, semi-hot, caf order.

[Screaming]

[Shuddering]

I don't want to get a real job.

Don't make me do it, otis.

Yeah, otis, maybe we should let the farmer keep working.

Otis?

Great news, guys.

I set the tractor to super fast, so the farmer'll be done in no time.

[All gasping]

[Farmer whimpering]

[Crashing]

[Screaming]

I'm alive.

[Farmer screaming]

Not good.

[Crashing]

Farmer: tractor go boom.

[Siren blaring]

Otis: this is terrible.

What have I done?

Well, let's review.

You interrupted peck's yoga class, did a lame stumpity joe impression

And, oh, right, you broke the farmer.

Duke: good news, everyone.

The paramedics say the farmer'll be better in a week.

Yes!

Phew!

Well, I guess all's well that ends well, huh, guys?

But what about the farmer's market?

He'll never get those crops in now.

We're gonna lose our home.

[All talking at once]

Ok, ok, don't worry, everyone.

The farm is not going under, and here's why: we're gonna bring the crops in ourselves.

Huh?

Yeah, right, you're funny.

Otis, that's crazy talk.

What do we know about farming?

What do you mean, what do we know about?

We live on a farm.

Come on.

We got a natural instinct for this kind of thing.

Right.

We'll work on instinct.

I'll start vacuuming the fields.

Otis: good.

I'll make some fertilizer.

Oh, oh, I'll form a conga line.

♪ We are going farming

♪ We are going farming

♪ We are going farming

That's the spirit, people.

We're in a lot of trouble, aren't we?

Yeah, a lot of trouble.

You go first.

No way, you go first.

So how we doing on the milk, gals?

What?

What's going on?

We should be snorkeling in milk by now.

Look, no one but the farmer is clamping any electric doohickies

To my milk-giving areas.

Bessy, my bashful bovine, it couldn't be safer.

Here, let me demonstrate.

Put these on...

Uh, otis, that's not how it looks in the instructions.

Relax.

I've seen the farmer do this, like, times.

Ok, turn it on, turn it on.

Ok, you're the boss.

Mm-hm.

Oh, it's quite pleasant, actually.

It's like a gentle tug.

[Laughing]

Ok, slightly less gentle now.

[Screaming]

My udders are on fire!

Higher?

You got it.

[Screaming...]

Turn it off!

[Otis moaning]

[Laughing]

That is one funny milking machine.

Guys, I'm gonna need some private time.

All right, guys, I know it looks like a lot of corn

But we can bring it in if we all work together.

That's crazy, otis.

We don't even have a tractor.

No, we've got something better.

A tractor?

No, this jammin' corn harvesting music I downloaded off the internet.

Now, let's get shuckin'.

[♪...]

Man: ♪ early in the morning

♪ And late at night

♪ We go a-grazing

♪ The grass is green, all right ♪

♪ Even if it rains or snows all night ♪

♪ Green veggie eatings, we can put up a fight ♪

♪ Everybody's hungry

♪ And so are we

♪ If you don't feed us

♪ We just might get mad

♪ We're hungry.

[Music fades]

We did it.

We brought in the entire crop.

[Cheering]

Man, I never thought all that corn would fit in that little cart.

Yeah, I know.

I didn't think we...

What the heck is that?

[Pig groaning]

Pig!

Otis.

Strange dream.

Music.

Corn everywhere.

[Groaning]

I don't feel well.

[Sighing]

It probably isn't digested yet.

We could still use it.

Give us back that corn, you pink, corn-gobbling blimp!

Otis, come quick.

The...

What are you doing?

Running off to join the rodeo.

I figure I'll rent myself out as a roping steer

And, you know, send back whatever money I can to pay off the farm.

You know what else would pay off the farm?

The gazillions of eggs the hens are laying right now!

As we say in the rodeo, yee-ha!

All right, ladies, way to go!

Everyone helped, otis.

They mixed us a special energy drink that really got us laying.

Fresh batch, coming up.

See, now this just proves what we can do when we work together, people.

Now that is what I call a grade-a...

Um, what did you put, exactly, in the energy drink?

Yogurt.

Vitamins.

Love.

And?

And pepper.

Those aren't pepper shakers.

That's dynamite.

We can still sell them.

Who's gonna know?

Yeah, they taste pretty good.

Mm.

[expl*si*n]

Would you quit playing with them?

[expl*si*n]

Sorry.

Just leave 'em alone.

[All talking at once...]

Sorry.

This is all otis's fault.

What about pig?

He ate all the corn.

It wouldn't have mattered if you and bessy had given more milk.

[Gasping]

I blame freddy.

I blame the liberal media!

[All talking at once]

Otis, otis.

I just saw stumpity joe's trailer.

Stumpity joe's here?

Where is he?

His trailer's gonna go right past the farm.

Who cares?

His musical motifs are highly overrated.

I concur.

His artistic sensibilities have been destroyed by fame.

Will someone shut those sheep up?

Wait a minute.

Destroyed.

That's it.

Freddy, show me where you found the dynamite.

Perfect.

Pip: poor otis.

He's been driven mad by failure.

Pig: and shame.

Don't forget the shame.

Bessy: hey, beef for brains.

No way we're gonna let you blow up the farm.

Ok, ok, can I just say one thing?

What?

Fire in the hole!

Run!

[Everyone screaming]

Man: whoa, nelly.

Stop the bus.

We "founded" it, fellows.

The perfect backdrop for my new video

"You broke my heart so I blew up your farm".

A location sh**t, eh?

Well, [clearing throat], as the owner of this here farm

I reckon you'd have to make it worth my while.

Sure thing, giant, pink-snouted farmer.

Just sign this contract and I'll give you bags of money.

Pig: hold on.

Let me see that contract.

[Mumbling]

Looks good to me.

Mm, that's a good contract.

Our on-farm hungry attorney said it's ok, so you've got yourself a deal.

Yee-ha!

Hey, farmer, we need some critters.

You know any animals who might want to be in a music video?

If by animals, you mean people in costumes to give the appearance

Of being walking, talking animals

But aren't, because everyone knows that's impossible, yes!

♪ Well, you broke my heart, so I b*rned down your farm ♪

♪ You made me cry, so I blew the place sky-high ♪

♪ You knocked me down, made a fool out of me ♪

♪ But I feel better now that I've destroyed your property ♪

♪ It's all in pieces

♪ In pieces

♪ It's in pieces

♪ It's all in pieces

♪ It's in pieces

♪ In pieces

♪ I've destroyed your property

Farmer: singing farm animals.

Look at that.

That's ridiculous.

♪ Now your stuff's all over the place ♪

♪ I see your tractor traveling through space ♪

Ah-ha!

Here's a little bit of ear gravy for you.

♪ In little-bitty pieces

♪ In pieces

Otis: ♪ I said pieces

♪ It's all in pieces

♪ It's in pieces

♪ In pieces

♪ I've destroyed your property. ♪

expl*si*n.

They blowed up real good.

[♪...]