02x04 - Down the Hatch/Road Rash

[bunniefuu]

[buzzing]

♪ Rocko's Modern Life

♪ Rocko's Modern Life

♪ Rocko's Modern Life

♪ Rocko's Modern Life

Ahh!

♪ Rocko's Modern Life

♪ Rocko's Modern Life

That was a hoot!

[announcer] You know the Fatheads.

You love the Fatheads!

You especially love all those clever catchphrases, huh?

The bake sale if off!

I smell melon.

Well, now the Fatheads have a new catchphrase.

Good morning! Good morning!

'Cause here comes Fatheads chewable vitamin cheese tablets!

Shaped like America's kookiest cartoon couple.

Buy it!

[snoring]

[screams]

[gulp]

Hey.

Heffer, what are you doing here?

I've been watching you sleep.

You're weird.

I'm weird? But...

[alarm sounding]

Blazes! I'm gonna be late for work!

I'm watching TV downstairs.

[barking]

Good morning, Spunky.

Why don't you go down and watch TV with Uncle Heffer?

[barking continues]

And on our left, folks--

uh-oh, this looks like tapeworm territory.

Get down, squirmy! Tapeworm!

I don't know how I let you talk me

into this amusement park stuff.

Oh, no, look out. It's got us for sure.

Tapeworm!

[roaring]

Ahh! sh**t it!

sh**t it!

Boring.

[laughing] Whoa!

Oh...

Please remain seated.

Oh, my gosh.

Just up ahead, the scourge of the digestive system,

the most fearsome of all intestinal bacteria.

Salmonella.

Well, hello.

Ahh!

Salmonella! Yoohoo!

Sal! Over here!

[gasps]

My goodness, that was close.

Jeez, there's nothing to eat.

Oh, my gosh! I don't believe it!

Fatheads brand chewable vitamin cheese tablets!

Shaped like little Fatheads!

[laughing]

Let's go watch TV.

[panting]

Arf!

Spunky, want a Fatheads brand chewable vitamin cheese?

[whines]

Okay, sit up.

Play dead.

Okay, bend the spoon with your thoughts.

Good boy!

[barking]

[Rocko] Now, now, Spunky.

No Fatheads brand chewable vitamin cheese tablets for you.

Can't he have just one?

Are you kidding?

You can't give pets Fatheads cheese chewables.

Oh, yeah.

And why was that?

Don't you remember, a couple of years ago at Granny's,

somebody gave a Fatheads chewable to the cat?

Well, w-w-what happened?

Well, minutes later, blammo!

She exploded. How could you forget that?

Hmm...

Who's that?

[belching and whining]

Heffer!

Spunky!

Heffer! How could you forget about the cat?

I'll boil some water!

And up ahead, on our left...

[screaming]

[hacking]

[screaming continues]

Okay, Spunky, hang on. They're time-release tablets!

We've got to get you to the vet

and we've got less than minutes!

Squirmy!

Squirmy!

[gasps]

Squirmy!

You're alive.

Great idea. Stupid lame ride.

[laughing]

All right! That's enough.

Hey, lighten up.

That was some hiccup, huh?

Had to be at least a . on the--

Wha...Holy...

[both inhaling deeply]

What do you think it is?

It's so beautiful.

The idiots are alive.

They'll want to share in my discovery.

Well, hello, glad to see you.

Have you ever seen anything like it?

Ha. Pretty nifty, eh?

Nifty? We could make a fortune exhibiting this thing.

"The Colossus of the Ancients."

People go nuts for that kind of thing.

Yeah, they do, don't they?

Why don't you go see

what condition the boat is in, huh?

Aye-aye, cap'n!Aye-aye, cap'n!

Idiots.

They have no idea how valuable this is.

My beauty.

You are going to make me a fortune.

[kissing]

Hmm. Citrus.

Do you hear something?

Hello?Yoohoo! Hello?

Hey, fella!

That's weird. He's gone.

Maybe the-- the thing is cursed!

Aww, curse phooey!

This thing can make us a fortune.

Right, pal!

[cat meowing, sheep bleating]

All right.

I've looked your pet over thoroughly.

Is she gonna be okay, Doc?

Well, I don't know how to tell you this, Mr. Filburt.

That's, uh, not a she. That's a loaf of bread.

No. She moved yesterday.

Don't listen to him, Margaret. You'll be fine.

I'm afraid we...

have to take that from you.

No!

Look what I've got.

Woo!

Sauce...

Muah, muah, muah, muah, muah...

Sorry, Filburt, I'll replace it.

My sauce!

[veterinarian] So... he swallowed a Fatheads

chewable vitamin cheese tablet, huh?

Yes!

He's gonna explode, you know.

[slurping]

Hey, Doc, I got this rash--

Heffer!

Well, I tell you what.

Let's cut him open!

I'm just kidding.

First, a little test.

Here, Spunky, here.

Open your mouth.

That a boy...

Excellent score.

Ladies and gentlemen, for centuries,

this colossal beauty has gazed across time,

her origins unknown.

Undoubtedly, the ancients constructed her

for some profound mystic purpose.

And for bucks a pop, you can have your picture taken with it.

[grumbling]

No way.

Well, what's the problem?

I don't know. Nobody gives a hoot.

Know what we need? A hook.

Something like...

Greed. Greed is what I call it,

and I think the bugs of this community

have had enough of watching those two.

[both gasp]

[both] Yeah, yeah, yeah!

What was that? He can't be going off yet.

Hmm.[watch ticking]

No.

There's still time left.

Shall I run the register this morning, Mr. Bloatman?

As you wish, Mr. Mix-- Worm!

Bloatman!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

What gives you the right

to keep immortality to yourselves?

To charge us admission?

We have come to take what's ours!

You can't keep it from us!

Yeah! Yeah!

Quick, say something meaningful.

Everyone, please!

Listen to yourselves.

Is this what we've become?

A bunch of savages?

We don't even know what this is we're dealing with here.

I think I got through to 'em.

[yelling]

My gosh. What have we done?

[echoing]

What have we here? Here's the problem.

That vitamin we were looking for was in his ear all the time.

Great, uh... What does that mean?

It means good ol' Spunky here is gonna be a mommy.

But Spunky's a boy dog.

Oh.

Then, uh...

I guess it means Spunky's fine.

Hit the deck! She's gonna blow!

Spunky! Hold it in!

[all gasp]

Yep.

Right on schedule.

Spunky!

Hello? [echoing]

Hello?

Well, Squirmy, it looks like we're the only ones left.

It was cursed.

No. We were cursed.

Cursed with greed!

♪♪

Oh, well! Oh, well!

♪♪

The world's largest slice of processed cheese.

The Toe Jam Towers of Detroit.

Purvis, the world's fattest rattlesnake.

And Flemm rock. What a sight!

One day, I'm gonna take a trip out to see Flemm Rock.

Did you say Flemm Rock?

Yeah, why?

I think it's on TV.

Flemm Rock, once America's favorite tourist trap

now faces destruction.

Hailed as one of the ten wonders of the world,

by renowned outdoorsman Yukon Sheldon,

shown here becoming the first and only man

to scale the treacherous face of Flemm Rock...[screams]

named for the green algae-rich waters that flow through it.

But in recent years, attendance has dropped

and Flemm Rock has fallen into disrepair.

It will be unceremoniously leveled

after its final eruption this Friday.

Oh, man, we gotta see it before it's destroyed!

Heff, Flemm Rock is a long way away.

No problem.

We'll road trip.

Heff, where'd you get the motorcycle?

I saved my snack money for a whole week.

I don't know, Heff.

Listen, Rocko.

This country's heart is fading away.

Soon the roadside café and the tacky tourist trap

will be relics of the past, like drive-in movies and mood rings.

This could be our last chance to experience

this country's cheesy attractions,

while we're still nalïve enough to be awed by them.

So let's hit the road

like the greatest road trippers of all time,

guys like Jack Kerouac,

the Greasy Riders, Peter Fondue...

And that other guy.

It's not just a fun idea, Rock. It's our patriotic duty!

Uh, excuse me.

How do I get to O-Town Flag Emporium?

Three blocks down, make a left.

Well, you know, I've always wanted to see this country.

That's the spirit, Rock! Let's ride!

♪♪

Hey, Rocko, how about some driving music?

Sure. What is it?

Most loved disco hits of the 's

as played by the McThrifty Brothers Bagpipe Band.

♪ Huh huh huh huh

♪ Stayin' alive!

♪ Stayin' alive!

[Rocko] miles, Heff.

Wait, I think I found a shortcut.

Turn left up here.

Turn right at Stonehenge.

[religious singing]

Hmm...

I think it's this way.

Uh, Heff?

We're almost there!

[speaking rapidly in foreign language]

And ta-da! We're back on the road.

We must have cut hours off our trip.

Are you sure you're reading that thing right?

Well, I...

Uh...

Maybe we'd better ask directions.

Flemm Rock?

Well, first, you gotta go back five or ten miles

'til you get to a big purple shed

with Rufus painted on the side.

You take the dirt road just past that shed.

Don't go too far. Just a little bit past it.

If you see another shed

that has Chaka Khan painted on the side,

then you've gone too far.

Go back to the previous shed, there's two of 'em,

and it can be confusing for somebody

that's not familiar with the area.

Why, I remember last February,

I was driving that road with my friend Fur.

Fur weren't his real name, of course.

His real name was Frank.

Real name was Frank, but we called him "Fur."

Isn't that crazy?

He knew where to get the best beef jerky

that I have ever tasted.

And every time he came to town, I would tell him,

Fur, bring some of that beef jerky with you.

Wouldn't you know that last time...

I think we should go find a place to stay the night.

...beef jerky.

I said, you idiot, you get out of here

and don't come back until you have the beef jerky!

Ha ha!

Heff, do you think you could turn off that bagpipe music?

It's getting a bit irritating.

I can't, the tape is stuck in the machine.

And the volume knob came off.

[woman screams]

Oh, yes. We have a vacancy.

And we have showers in all the rooms.

What's that? Will you excuse me?

Coming, mother!

Heff, maybe we should try somewhere else.

Yeah, sure. There must be dozens

of quality establishments along this road.

[Rocko] Heff, I don't know if I can handle this music

all the way to Flemm Rock.

It's not much further, Rock.

Stop it!

Stop it!

What's wrong, Rocko?

I'm going to stop that infernal racket right now!

Careful, Rock! You're warping the t*nk!

How can you tell?

Hey, Rock, I'm gonna get a bite to eat.

Holler if you need me.

I'm starving.

What's the biggest thing on the menu?

That would be our knockwurst nightmare platter.

pounds of ground pig parts packed tightly but tantalizingly

into over two miles of intestinal tubing.

No one has ever finished the nightmare platter.

I'll take two.

There aren't enough pigs in the country, sir.

Mmm, how about one and a side of fries?

Mmm, pig parts!

[breathing heavily, music subsides]

Well, I stopped the tape,

but I'm afraid I got a bit carried away on the motorcycle.

Now we'll never make it to Flemm Rock on time.

It's okay, Rock. We'll think of something.

Well, I'm done.

[alarm sounding]

Congratulations, sir.

You are the first ever to finish

the knockwurst nightmare platter.

You have won Rice-A-Roony, the San Fernando treat,

a copy of our home game, and of course...

the weeniemobile.

[gasps] Look, Rock! It's a big weenie!

With wheels!

We are back on the road!

♪♪

♪ Born to eat fried food!

Woohoo!

All right, Rocko! Nothing can stop us now.

We don't have much time! Flemm Rock, here we come!

[engine sputtering]

What's wrong, Heff?

I think the battery is dead.

Blazes! What else could go wrong?

[vehicles approaching]

Oh, no! Bikers!

[laughing]

What seems to be the problem?

Uh, problem?

[stammering] No, no problem.

We-- We just-- We were, um...

[laughing nervously]

What's the matter?

Do I intimidate you?

I apologize. Certainly not my intent.

I say we tie 'em to the bikes and drag 'em.

Shut up, stinkweed.

It's people like you that give biker trash a bad name.

Sorry.

You see, we bikers have a bit of an image problem.

Unfair portrayal by the media, mostly.

So, uh, hmm...

Your weenie broken?

Spike, Lefty, Stinkweed.

Fix the wallaby's weenie.

[malevolent laughter]

Spike, tighten the rods.

Stinkweed, make sure the bun is toasted.

Okay, we recharged the battery, rotated your tires,

gapped your plugs and re-torqued your curtain rods.

Here's your complimentary roadmap and air freshener.

Have a nice trip.

Thanks for all your help.

Oh, no, Rocko! We've only got ten minutes!

We'll never make it in time.

Oh, yes, we will.

Kinda gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside, don't it?

Hit the brakes, Rock!

[crash]

[gasps] We made it, Rock!

That'll be $, sir.

[gasps] There it is!

How did that Yukon Sheldon fellow climb that?

It wasn't easy, I can tell you.

It's gonna blow, Rocko! It's gonna blow!

It's more glorious than I ever imagined.

All right, folks. Show's over.

Look, Rock! A Chokey Chicken!

And I'm starved!

You know, Heff, it's good discovering America

on the back roads. We should do more of it.

Great, Rock!

'Cause Toe Jam Towers are only miles from here

and there's the biggest processed cheese, then Purvis,

and more motels with wiggle beds.

And... and...

Rocko?

You okay, Rock?

Rock?

Rocko?

Rocko!

Rocko!