01x04 - Some Whales Nix the Vig

[bunniefuu]

[SWANS HONKING]

WALT: Man! [CHUCKLES]

This kind of action makes me feel alive.

This kind of action
makes me feel nauseous.

Oh, come on, at the end of the day,

we're all gamblers, am I right?

No, you're not right. We're the house.

House doesn't gamble.

That's why we're called "the
house," not "the soup kitchen."

I can't shake the feeling that this guy

knows more about this than we do.

Why else would he make a
stupid f*ckin' bet like that?

Because he's on tilt.

We've all seen this a thousand times.

It just happens to be a higher number.

Yeah, 1.4 million.

Excuse me. [RETCHES]

[SWANS SQUAWKING]

You hit a swan.

♪ ♪

WALT: Stop it! [GRUNTS]

Okay, so the first thing you
see when you click on the link,

is "Lorraine Colavito,

board-certified shaman."

"Board-certified" is a keeper.

I'm not sure about "shaman."

You're the one who pitched "shaman."

I know. We'll find a place for it.

- Just not on your banner page.
- Okay.

- Uh, "Dr. Lorraine Colavito."
- Much better.

"Graduate of the Pepperdine School of...

Psychedelic Therapy."

- Pepperdine?
- No?

This is all bullshit. Aim higher.

- Harvard.
- Lower.

- Berkley.
- Thank you.

"Providing therapeutic guidance to... "

[GROANS] I was trying to find

a nice way to say "f*cked-up losers."

"Troubled souls."

Good. Lock it in.

"Since 2007."

Nice.

Okay, let's take a cr*ck at
some Frequently Asked Questions.

Number one you got to figure is,

"How much does
microdosing therapy cost?"

Answer.

"How can you put a price on freedom?"

- Ooh!
- Huh?

- I'm tingling.
- Right. [GRUNTS]

Chiefs, Tampa, quick.

Got it. 917, go.

I can't, they're already
kicked off already.

I'm looking right at it.
Turn on your f*cking TV.

Green Bay? Nah, man,
Green Bay already played.

Oh, okay, got you, Tampa Bay.

No, m*therf*cker, you said Green Bay.

Yes, you did.

You know what, just call
me back when you're sober.

- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

Wash your hands.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

One more time. Enter your bet,

enter the password,
and then click confirm.

Well, if it's not there,
then you skipped a step.

What's your operating system?

AT&T is your phone, numbnuts.

- Go 611.
- Go 909.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

No, you can't parlay the
Giants with the Golden Globes.

- Go 112.
- No, I'm telling you.

I did not drink Camp Lejeune water.

Just lose my number.

No crypto. Cash, American cash.

- How about Beanie Babies?
- No, I don't have mesothelioma.

Let me read it back to you

so I know I got it right when you lose.

Larry, you're banned.

Because you don't pay.

It doesn't matter if your
heart's in the right place.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

No, we don't take dead pool bets.

And for the record,
Angela Lansbury, dead.

Hey, do we take calls from

Metropolitan Detention Center gen pop?

Do you want to get paid in cigarettes?

Who do I like? I don't give advice.

What do you think I am, Dr. Phil?

Heat and Grizzlies over,


Spurs plus five. You're down.

Capitals minus 115,
and you like Ovechkin

over five sh*ts on goal?

How's the online action?

We're way up on the early games.

You could make the
Raiders minus a thousand,

every cholo would still bet 'em.

Yo, brother, you seeing these numbers?

- I see it. Terrific.
- That's it?

- What? I'm happy.
- Tell your f*ckin' face.

- Don't start with me, please.
- Sorry. I'll just tell you

when we're losing.

Sisters, huh?

I grew up with four of 'em.

When my mom was at work,
they'd dress me up like a girl,

and make me dance for cookies.

- Lorraine, can you do me a favor?
- Hmm?

- Mm.
- Check out a guy named Jack Han?

- Hand?
- No, no D, just Han.

- Han.
- Right, Han.

Hang on.

Tell me again we're gonna be okay.

- I never told you that.
- Well, lie to me.

You know just as well as I
do, it's any given Sunday.

Yeah, but the Texans
are a nine-point dog.

He bet 'em to win outright.

Can I tell you a story?

- Can I hear it?
- No.

When I was with the Chargers,

we were huge favorites
against the Titans.

Knocked their starting quarterback out,

destroyed the backup, by the
time the fourth quarter rolled

around, the damn punter
was throwing passes.

Could that be the end
of the story, please?

- We lost.
- LORRAINE: Jack Han.

- Genghis Han sneakers?
- What you got?

Company trades on the
Hong Kong exchange.

Produced a couple of slasher films.

None of 'em made any money.

Okay. Thanks for looking.

- Oh.
- What?

Director on the last one, he
fell off a boat and drowned.

Never found the body.

Okay, thank you.

- Hector, check it out.
- DANNY: Can you swim?

We got our first customer.

Dr. Colavito, I presume.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Where you going?

I'm gonna take my wife out to
dinner and tell her I love her.

[LAUGHING]

I'm serious.

- [ENTRY BELL CHIMES]
- Hey.

Hey.

- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Place looks good.

Thanks.

The music is a nice touch.

$195. Not exactly priced to move.

That's blown glass from Murano, Italy

and they're flying off the shelf.

Maybe in an earthquake.

Did you just come down
here to bust my balls?

Yeah.

Miss Ellaneous made $42,000 this week.

Oh, look at that. Good for me.

Yeah, and I thought maybe I could take

my wife and stepson out for dinner.

What about the Sunday night game?

I got it covered.

- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- What do you say?

Sounds great, except for you-know-who.

It's just a phase, he'll come around.

If it wasn't for Frosted Flakes
and peanut butter and jelly,

I'm afraid he'd starve to death.

[SIGHS] Call him.

Anthony!

What?

We're gonna go out for dinner.
What do you feel like eating?

I'm not hungry.

I know, your mom and I are.

Pick something.

PB and J.

Pick again. And don't say cereal.

Maybe spaghetti.

Great.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Plain spaghetti.

- Fine.
- With ketchup.

- Sold.
- [CHUCKLING]

- Let's roll.
- Oh, right now?

Unless you're waiting for a late rush.

Grandma!

[KEYS JINGLE]

Hello?

GRANDMA: In the kitchen, little boy.

Little boy?

When did I become "little boy"?

- [LAUGHTER NEARBY]
- MAN: Glory be.

Oh. Hey.

Rayfield, meet John Franklin,

an old dear friend of mine.

- Call me Frank.
- How you doing, Frank?

[SIGHS]

You did good, Marion.

- He did not make it easy.
- [CHUCKLES]

I hope you understand what kind
of special lady you got here.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

It's true. You are one of a kind.

Frank and I used to be
neighbors when you were a baby.

Long, long time ago.

He and his wife often watched after you

when I worked a double shift.

Francine couldn't conceive,

so you filled a big hole in our lives.

Francine was his wife.

God rest her soul.

She passed.



Frank and Francine. Glory be.

I'm so sorry.

- When did she pass?
- Week ago Thursday.

Glory be.

JOHN: Mm-hmm.

[PHONE BUZZING]

What's wrong?

I know what Jack's edge is.

Hang on.

- SANDRA: What's going on?
- Go back to sleep.

Okay.

- Go.
- I did a little digging

to see why Jack would pick
the Texans to win outright.

GRANDMA: You're so bad. [LAUGHING]

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Sorry.

So I called an old buddy
of mine from Brigham Young,

who's currently on the
New York coaching staff.

- DANNY: Yeah.
- He's a bit of a gossip.

- Nice.
- Particularly when he's drinking.

Loving it.

Oh, Mormons and alcohol.

Turns out a large unattractive man

who plays on the offensive line

has a personal issue

with a handsome player who
plays a more glamorous position.

What kind of issue?

The "you shouldn't be
f*cking my wife" kind.

Jesus Christ.

So the big ugly is looking for payback.

- Wouldn't you?
- It's gonna be like a turnstile.

"Right this way, sir."

They'll need a spatula to scrape
the New York QB off the field.

Well, what about the backup?

Rookie. Played at Kutztown.

What's Kutztown?

Exactly.

All right, so what's our move?

I guess we got to deal Walt
in, tell him what we know.

Sounds right.

GRANDMA: Damn it, Frank, slow down.

Yeah, Frank, slow down!

What? What's going on?
Who the hell's Frank?

My old babysitter.

What?

WALT: Still.

Doesn't mean it's not a good bet.

I mean, the guy's a
professional athlete.

His teammate schtupped his wife.

So ergo, he's not gonna do his job?

Ray, back me up.

These guys get evaluated
on film every Monday, right?

People miss blocks all the
time, even when they're trying.

You'd know.

f*ck. This is on me.

What're you talking about?

I jinxed us.

I went and looked at an
Aston Martin yesterday.

- [BOTH GROANING]
- Oh, f*ck.

I put the whammy on this whole deal.

I'm sorry.

[SIGHS] So...

what's our play?

I say we go to Jack
and tell him we're out.

[RAGGED GROAN]

Yeah, I suppose.

I mean, what's he gonna do?

Report us to the Better Business Bureau?

No way. No f*cking way, Jose!

You don't get to cancel my bet
just because you feel like it.

There's still eight
hours before kickoff.

That's plenty of time
to find another book.

We'll even cover your vig.

No vig! I don't pay no f*cking vig!

You're just chickenshit 'cause
you know I have a sure thing.

Come on, Jack.

You know there are no
sure things in the NFL.

I'm sure.

You give football players free sneakers,

and they will tell you things.

I know.

What about you, huh?
Why are you so quiet?

No...

Oh, I'm just as disappointed
as you are, Jack,

but I have to respect
my chickenshit partners.

Okay, okay, let's...

Let's all put on our thinking caps.

I got it.

Oh, great. He's got it.

You keep your word, and you take my bet,

and I don't take all of
you fishing on my boat.

What does fishing have
to do with anything?

[WHISPERING]

Oh.

You're threatening us?

Yes. Are you stupid?

What? [STAMMERS]

I don't understand.

Fishing sounds kind of fun.

So, um,

have you formed an intention
for your psychedelic journey?

Oh, an intention? Uh,
I don't understand.

People come to Dr. Colavito

for a variety of reasons.

They want to overcome
anxiety, depression...

Of course, there's career
problems, relationship problems.

It's nothing like that.

Oh. Then what?

I...

I have six months to live.

They say six.

I think that's optimistic.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, sweetie.

You do understand there's no
pain relief with shrooms, right?

- I know.
- Okay.

And I'm okay with the pain.

I mean, I'm taking
more pills than Elvis.

[LAUGHS]

What I want is to find some comfort

in...

... not existing.

- Not existing?
- You know.

Fade to black.

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

You get it.

Well, you came to the right place.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Slide! Slide!

Don't be a hero. Don't be a hero.

That son of a bitch's got wheels.

Son of a bitch shouldn't have
f*cked his left tackle's wife.

You guys got a minute to
talk about the deep fryers?

- Not right now, Petey.
- Excuse me,

when I gave you a piece of this place,

I didn't just give you

a piece of the glitz and the glamour.

There happens to be ongoing maintenance.

You didn't give us a
piece. You lost a piece.

Potato, potato.

When'd you start smoking?

- 20 minutes ago.
- Well, don't get cancer.

Your dirty money is the only
thing keeping this joint going.

Nice to know you care.

While I have you both,

the walk-in cooler is
also on its last legs.

Can we please not deal
with this right now, man?

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Got your ass hanging
out on tonight's game?

- Little bit.
- PETEY: Oh, yeah.

Your heart's b*ating a mile a minute.

Not enough spit in your
mouth to lick an envelope.

Drive stalled out at the


BOTH: Yes!

Now can we talk about the deep fryers?

BOTH: No!

Ah, f*ck youse both.

[EXHALES] Oh, my God.

What's happening?

I just had an orgasm.

Oh, well... good for you.

I'll say.

Would either of you happen
to have a Camel Filter?

What's that?

Oh, it's before your time.

It's the brand my hu...

... my husband smoked.

[CRYING]

Buckle up.

[SNIFFLES]



[EXHALES]

Right before he d*ed,

he turned to me and said,
"I love you, Sharon."

[SMACKS LIPS] Aw...

My name's Eileen.

Oh.

It happened.

Quarterback went down hard.

They cut away to a commercial.

They didn't even want
to show the replay.

- He's out?
- He's a grease stain.

So, Kutztown is in?

Kutztown is in.

Light a candle.

Do you think we could work out

some kind of installment plan with Jack?

Something to discuss on the boat.

- [SCOFFS]
- Oh...

- Well, well.
- f*ck. Go away.

Oh, would that I could.

You guys know an avid sports
enthusiast named Jack Han?

- Hand?
- Han. No D.

- Han.
- Han.

Yeah, Han.

- No.
- Sorry.

Interesting. You're both
wearing his sneakers.

Oh, that's embarrassing.

Jesus, Danny.

Why won't you let me help you?

Why do I need your help?

For reasons that are above my pay grade,

Mr. Han... no D... has
diplomatic immunity.

Which means what to us?

Assuming we know him?

Which means he can k*ll
a bookie in the afternoon

and still sit courtside at
a Lakers game that night.

- Thanks for clearing that up.
- CARL: Mm-hmm. Point being,

if you should cross
paths, walk the other way.

Kutztown's got his head up his...

Hi, how are you?

Great.

Good, good, good, good, good, good.

Good. Good, good, good. See ya.

[SOBBING]

How much did you give her?

What it said on the YouTube video,

one-tenth a full dose.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't know what
a full dose is, but yeah.

[EILEEN CRYING]

Maybe it's mixing with something else?

Eileen, what other dr*gs are you taking?

Oh...

Okay, every drug.

Oh, my God.

Another orgasm?

Better.

It all makes sense
now. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

- It does?
- Yes.

I-I-I've had a good life.

My children are good people.

My marriage... Ah.

My time is done. I've,
I've fulfilled my purpose.

There's no reason to be afraid.

That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.

Thank you both so much.

This is more than I could've hoped for.

- You're welcome.
- That's why we do it.

Do you mind if I use your restroom,

just to freshen up?

Of course.

We did it.

- We changed that woman's life.
- I know.

I've never felt this
good about myself. Ever.

[LAUGHS]

[THUD NEARBY]

- Oh, God.
- Stay in the hug.

You don't think Jack's
gonna k*ll us, right?

Just wants his money.

Somehow we'll pay it.

It will just clean us out.

Starting over.

I've done it before, I'll do it again.

[SCOFFS] Just got to figure
out how I'm gonna tell Sharise.

And Janelle.

And Brook.

What do I tell Sandra?

Probably have to give
up that dumb gift shop,

which she loves more than me.

Have to send Anthony to public school.

Like he's not f*cked up enough now.

Grandma's never going back to Brentwood.

We dared to dream,
Ray. We dared to dream.

[CHEERING AND WHOOPING INSIDE]

There it is.

It's been a pleasure.

WALT: Holy Al Michaels!

Do you believe in miracles?

We won?

Kutztown threw a Hail Mary,
and Mary f*cking caught it!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We won? We f*cking won!

- [SHOUTING]
- Yes! Yes!

I'm so hard right now!

[LAUGHING, WHOOPING]

[CHEERING OVER TV]

[TV TURNS OFF]

[SIGHS]

I'm going to need ice
cream and a blow job.

[RAGGED EXHALE]

Thank you.

You ever tried one of these
with a little red wine?

Ring the bell when you're finished.

- Thank you, Greg.
- It's Gregory.

Sorry. Gregory.

You're right.

He's definitely f*cking with kids.

Oh, yeah, he's a diddler.

You gonna tell your
sister about this money?

Nope. You gonna tell her?

- Wasn't planning on it.
- Good man.

What about Sandra?

Our relationship's complicated enough.

You do realize this is our
chance to run away together.

I thought you'd never ask.

We're gonna need a bigger box.

Oh, Gregory!

♪ ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ La-la-la, I'll see you
in Havana tomorrow. ♪