Christmas Consultant, The (2012)

[bunniefuu]

(Christmas music playing)

Jack, raccoons got in the garbage
again last night.

See, someone likes your mother's tiramisu.

Yeah, don't blame me.

David was on trash duty last night.

MAYA: David, kiddo, you have to clean up
the raccoon stuff.

I can't go outside now,
I'd be a sitting duck.

Can I clean it up when I get back?

Honey, we've only lived here
for three months.

It's too soon to ruin the neighborhood.

Mom, David took my igneous rocks
for the science fair.

I need them to weigh down my decoy!

Oh great, okay now my lunch meeting

is now a breakfast meeting at the office.

So, Fletcher family double time!

-What am I...
-Okay, Greek salad in the back

next to the ketchup
and get something for your brother.

I gotta be in court in minutes.

Where's Steffie? Steffie?

Oh, where is Steffie?

Where is Steffie?

Hi sweetheart.

You're all dressed up and ready to go,
what are you up to?

Queen Esmeralda
and King Wallace have gone to w*r

and their armies
have slaughtered thousands.

(laughs)

Great imagination, Steffie.

-JACK: Here you go, sweetheart. Thank you.
-Okay!

Oh, I've got tiramisu on my shoes!

He's out there, I know it.

(tense music playing)

Okay?

Now while he's reloading

I'm making a break for the car.

(overlapping chatter)

-...so I can't be late.
-Okay, all right.

I'm gonna take Anna and oh,

I put us down for three boxes
of Christmas cards

-from David's scout troupe.
-We just finished Thanksgiving.

It's December th!

Things kind of got away from us.

Christmas.

A crass commercialization
of a former pagan winter festival.

-Yay.
-MAYA: Anna, lose the cynicism...

little ears can hear you.

-Have a good day.
-Bye honey.

-Come on Steff, let's go.
-See you.

Let's go.

David, seatbelt.

-(car horn)
-(tires screeching)

(lively music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

Sorry.

(sighs)

Hi everybody!

Hiya darling, I was just about
to send out a search party.

Fortunately our Russian friend here
is a fan of good beluga.

I am so sorry that I'm late.

Let's get started.

Maya, meet Boris Tartakov,

the gentleman who gave
the fragrance world Siberia.

Pleasure.

And Maya you are?

I'm Nadine's VP
of new business development.

I poached Maya from the majors
a few months ago,

she's gonna take us
from boutique to top-tier.

We love Siberia and you've had
so much success in Europe...

-Yup.
-But the biggest returns

are here in North America

and I'm sure you're being wooed
by all the New York companies,

but you'll be just one of fifty
brands in their portfolio.

But here at Nadine Cosmetics,
you will have our full focus.

You will be the centerpiece of our family.

I like idea.

Family. But...

I need details.

I must know you understand
what it takes to make Siberia...

stand out! Huh?

Exactly, which is why I'm finalizing
our proposed marketing plan.

And if it all meets with your approval,

we can have this deal wrapped up
by Christmas.

I have great curiosity
for American Christmas!

♪Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle and snow ♪

(laughs)

I've rented Aspen for holiday season.

-Oh, a place there?
-No, no. Aspen.

Oh, sounds cozy.

How bout you Maya?

Oh, nothing big,
just a family get-together.

(groans)

I always thought American Christmas
was big celebration.

What is going on?

(laughs) Maya has a reputation
for delivering big!

Oh, Every Christmas Eve
we have a huge party

with music, and dancing, champagne.
All kinds of people.

It just seems to gets bigger
and bigger every year.

BORIS: Okay,
big American Christmas celebration!

-Your invitation is most kind.
-What?

I look forward to it.

Ladies.

-My first American Christmas party.
-Oh.

I look forward to it too.

I know it's the holidays
but I want heads down on this.

I'd like you to find a Christmas bonus
in your stocking

as opposed to a lump of coal.

I'm late for my seaweed wrap.

Ugh! What a day.

The fragrance industry seems dainty

but really it's just
dog eat good-smelling dog.

Yeah, well you know what?

The city doubled my caseload today
and get this,

I am defending a mall Santa
accused of shoplifting.

He tried escaping through an airshaft

during a bathroom break today.

All right, airshaft, chimney.

He's Santa, he got confused.

You know what?
I like that, I think I'll use it.

You're cooking dinner, right?

No. Today was your day.

Okay. Well, then we're having,
uh, leftover Thai.

-(microwave rings)
-MAYA: Kids, dinner!

ANNA: (laughs) I know, right.

Give me a second.

Mushy pad Thai?

Does anyone know the MSG content in this?

I've got a paper to write
and I need a clear head.

Okay.

So, Chad walked by me in Bio today.

Honey, are you eating with us?

Um, no I think I'm going to eat
in my room.

Okay.

Did you realize those two
are related to each other?

You're not gonna eat with us?

King Wallace is going to be
ex*cuted tomorrow.

So, Esmeralda prefers to eat alone.

Okay.

Don't worry, she just needs time
to adjust to the move.

Doctor Anton says the best thing
is to just let it all work itself out.

All right.

JACK: Oh boy, what a day.

And hon?

It's gonna get worse.

I was talking to my parents today
and they're coming for Christmas.

No!

I thought that
after I "accidentally" broke the vase

that your mother sent
we were sort of free and clear.

Well, I guess you've been forgiven.

All right, so that's your parents
plus our ,

plus once my mother finds out
that your mother is coming...

And cousin Jimmy.

No! That sponge?

Oh, honey, come on, his kids
are in that scared straight camp,

he's gonna be all by himself.

All right, so that's people
for Christmas.

And I think we were at your sisters
last year, weren't we?

Oh. You don't think
she wants to come, do you?

All right, I'll send her a text.

And when we were at the lake this summer,

cousin Yolanda said
she might be showing up.

No, she's never gonna find someone

-to take care of all those cats.
-(laughs)

Well, you know either way
it's gonna be a full house for Christmas.

Well actually it's gonna be
a little bit fuller

because today I accidentally
invited my new client

to a huge party
that we're having Christmas Eve.

-Oh, it'll be so fun.
-(laughs)

You pleading insanity?

Nadine was putting the heat on,
so I sort of improvised.

But don't worry.
I can handle it.

Oh! You can handle it?

Superwoman, I have a feeling
that we are taking on too much.

I mean, we're gonna be up to our eyeballs
in relatives in a few days.

Then why are you making your afraid face?

I can handle it.

Okay, tomorrow Steffie's
at Josephine's until : ,

David has a guitar lesson
and Anna's at skating.

So, as long as the cloning
machine's working

and we can be in three different places
at the same time, we're golden!

Do you remember the last time
we hosted a big family Christmas?

-Yeah.
-Do you remember the picky eating

and the second-guessing our parenting

and Jimmy at the strip club?

Really, what's the point in worrying?

In fact, I have just the solution
to de-stress.

Honey?

Don't take this the wrong way

but I have , women's lipsticks
on my mind, okay?

Love you.

Your birthday's in nine months,
we'll do it then. Okay?

Okay.

(telephone rings)

MAYA: Hey sexy.
Wanna run away for Christmas?

Hon, I got it.

The solution to our Christmas problem.

See, I ran into Tom
at Judge Harper's office

and he told me something
that could possibly save our lives.

The name of a good family therapist?

No, no. Better than that.

Apparently there's a specialist
who works as a Christmas consultant

and you hire him to oversee
everything about the holidays.

I mean the decorating,
the planning of the meals,

the Christmas songs, the tree, all of it.

And you know what?
He got it done under budget and on time.

-Really?
-I will send you the link.

-Check it out.
-MAYA (on phone): Okay, hold on.

I don't know honey, I mean,
do you really think we need this guy?

JACK: We haven't even started
buying gifts,

we haven't got a tree,
we haven't begun to do

the million and one things
that you have to do

to make the holiday happen.

-(beep)
-WOMAN: Maya, the Russians are on ,

Nadine's having a meltdown
and the shredder caught on fire.

When can we meet him?

Now remember honey, game face.

We wanna keep the price down.

Right, and we are hiring him,
not the other way around.

Yes.

Oh, maybe that's him.

No. I just waved at a stranger.

What about this guy?

-Hope not.
-Nope.

Hyvaa joulua!

Glaedelig jul!

I'm sorry?

That means Merry Christmas
in Finnish and Danish.

Would you like to hear Russian?

(speaking foreign language)

Well, you must be Owen,

I'm Maya and this is my husband Jack.

-Hello.
-OWEN: Great to meet you.

I must tell you, I love people
who love Christmas as much as I do.

And I promise,
you will not regret hiring me

as a Christmas consultant.

It will be the best decision
you have ever made.

Thinking about hiring
a Christmas consultant.

Well, the holiday is right
around the corner.

The big day, Christmas day, is coming.

So, Owen, what is it exactly that you do?

Well, for starters,

I help you pick your menu,

of all your yuletide favorites.

So you also help with the food?

Then, I also help you find
the perfect gift.

So, you're like a personal shopper?

Better! I optimize your holiday season

to maximize your Christmas fun
and togetherness.

Could you give us some specifics please?

Absolutely.

With me you get the whole package.

So, let me show you.

All right, now...

this house isn't organized

so the elves are grumpy.

MAYA: Hey, that's our house!

JACK: I emailed him a picture, honey.

OWEN: So the elves,
they're overwhelmed with work

and dealing with relatives.

And what they don't realize
is they need someone like me

to help them organize

all the things that make Christmas,
Christmas.

Now, this family has time to enjoy
each other's company

without the stress of organizing
everything themselves.

See, we could be those elves.

Remember honey, we're still on the fence.

Do you have any references?

Um, references?

Thank you.

That's very impressive
but why are you still available?

Usually I'm booked up a year in advance
but the family that hired me this year

just relocated to Sweden.

So, I'm all yours.

And this is all you do?
You just plan Christmases all year long?

No, I do weddings, bar mitzvahs...

but Christmas is where my heart is.

Christmas is a year round proposition.

Whoa! Are those your prices?

Yes. But I guarantee you,

if you hire me you'll end up saving money.

Now, I only have one restriction.

I cannot work on Christmas day.

I spend Christmas day with my family.

But up until o'clock on Christmas Eve,

I will do everything
that you otherwise worry about.

My sole purpose in the next week

is to make the Fletcher family Christmas

the best Christmas you've ever had!
(laughs)

Will you excuse us
for just one second please?

Yes.

Okay I admit it, I like him.

Did you see the prices he charges?

We jus took on this huge mortgage

and I'm on probation with Nadine.

You know what?

He'll free up time
for our family to be together

and he'll help us survive our jobs.

All right, that is a good point
but still...

Oh, from my sister.

(gasp)
She would love to come?

So Owen,
surely your price is negotiable...

Sorry, you have no idea
how many elves I have to pay.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Nadine?

Oh, Tartakov's so looking forward
to our huge Christmas party!

Well that's great.

-All right.
-NADINE: Bye for now.

-Where do I sign?
-Let the celebration begin!

(laughs)

♪Joy to the world the Lord has come... ♪

-Is singing included?
-(Humming)

♪We wish you... ♪

MAYA: Hi, Owen.

Is that him?

You betcha,
he could be the answer to all our prayers.

Hello Fletcher family!

Kids, this is the gentleman
that I was talking to you about.

Owen, these are my kids.

No need for introductions!

I have done my homework.

You must be David.

Hello brother, gimme a pound.

Excuse me?

Gimme a pound.

Hiya!
(laughs)

Oh, and you must be Steffie.

Now my Steffie's a little shy,
don't take it personally.

Oh, hi Steffie,

is Christmas your favorite
this time of year too?

(chuckle)

Looks like we got the right guy!

This guy is a total ass-clown.

-(beeping)
-Oh, oh, oh! Humbug!

Humbug detector! Oh, oh, oh...

It's off the scale!

It's off the scale
pointing right at you David.

Humbug, humbug, humbag, humbag.

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa. David, what is this?

What is this?

Whoa!

Whoa.

Wow!

MAYA: Wow, Owen.
That was really good!

You gotta get those kids
right off the bat or you're sunk.

Oh, you must be Anna.

Now tell me, you don't like Christmas
like the rest of them?

Oh no! No, I'm thrilled to participate

in this hollow charade
of unbridled consumerism.

I agree!
Christmas isn't about mere purchases,

crass commercialization.

Although, I am a sucker
for a reindeer chia pet.

They're so lovey, their little furry eyes.

I tell you what, I'll make you a deal.

You cut me some slack,
two tickets to stars on ice.

What do you say?

A deal?

-I can't wait.
-Okay, all right!

All right, any questions?
Suggestions? Comments?

Is there a Santa and does he sleep
in the same bedroom as Mrs. Clause?

Oh, whoo!

Didn't see that one coming.

All right, this will do nicely.

A perfect canvas...

for a perfect Christmas classic.

I have never seen Steffie
take to someone that quickly.

I mean, she's normally so shy.
I have to admit, I'm impressed.

Yeah, and I think it's only
gonna get better.

This Christmas is gonna be a breeze.

Anyway, I gotta get down to the office

and pick up that mall Santa deposition.

Okay, I'm gonna get some work done.

-I'll see ya later.
-Yeah. See ya.

NADINE: Carlos, get in here!
I need to send Maya a text.

Settle!

Ugh.

Find out where Maya is
with the marketing plan.

And you know
this is a little too rough, okay?

And I'm smelling that these cucumbers
are not organic.

(sighs)

-(bell ringing)
-OWEN: Here ye! Here ye!

Here ye! Here ye! Christmas assembly!

Okay, I'll be right there.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Okay kids, on the stairs.

Christmas assembly is for everyone.

Okay! Okay.

I don't wanna start off on the wrong foot.

All right elves,

we are here to create
a superlative Christmas,

one for the record books.

First of all,
we have to throw a kick-ass party

on Christmas Eve for your mom.

Tomorrow night,
we have an outdoor screening

of "Miracle on th Street"

and then at : ,
a candy cane tasting contest.

I also have some fantastic ideas
for a Christmas pageant

that will knock your socks off.

Now, we work together as a team.

You follow this minute-by-minute itinerary

right down to the last second

for the next few days of fun.

And we will have fun! Won't we?

-Yeah.
-I can't hear you!

-Yes.
-We will have fun!

-Yeah.
-Oh, what is that?

No texting insubordinate elf!

Insubordinate elf!
No texting!

Oh, what the heck,
holiday goodies for all!

Ho ho! Ho ho! Ho ho!
(laughs)

Where did you come up with that?

Oh, I saw it on the Christmas channel.

There's a Christmas channel?

In my head, / .
(laughs)

Okay, we have one
very important thing to do

to kick Christmas off right.

Crucial actually.

You know what that is? Anyone?

-Uh, hang wreaths?
-No.

-Put up the Christmas light?
-No!

To find the ideal tree
and this is the perfect tree.

Trunk circumference, inches.

Height, feet inches.

This is the golden ratio!

Now, we work together as a team, we win.

Got it?

-Sir, yes sir.
-I can't hear you!

-Sir, yes sir!
-Okay.

You're gonna come pick the tree,
right Mommy?

Of course I am,
I've picked the family tree

the last five years.

I'm not gonna miss my favorite part
of Christmas.

Okay troops.

Operation Blitzen, commence.

Let's go!

♪In a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪O'er the fields we go ♪

♪Laughing all the way ♪

Come on Anna, remember our deal?

♪Bells on bobtails ring... ♪

You ever try putting bells on bobtails?

This is highly embarrassing.

♪Making spirits bright ♪

-Hey g*ng, sorry.
-OWEN: ♪Oh what fun to laugh and sing ♪

♪A sleighing song tonight ♪

Okay now, selecting the right tree

is the most crucial event in determining
how the Christmas season goes.

Everything stems from the tree.

So, don't look at this as a chore

but look at this as an adventure

and that we are a team.

All right, what are these for?

-Ear-mics, Mom.
-If we are going to find...

-Cool
-...the worlds best, most perfect tree

then here is what we gotta do.

Come here.

(indistinct whispering)

And break! Break.

(quirky music playing)

OWEN: Maya, visual contact.

-Incoming!
-Ow!

Maya, go long!

All right elves, bring up the rear.
Bring up the rear.

Team report.

Okay, trunk inches,
height , width .

Too top heavy, won't hold the star.

-Anna, report.
-Trunk , height , width ?

Too squat.

Reaching presents will be like
an obstacle course

in a cactus field.

Bogie at o'clock!

Remember what we practiced. Go!

(screaming)

Owen, I found a great tree.

OWEN: Quadrant , quadrant ,

stay on your mission,
stay on your mission.

No, I'm serious. A great tree!

Your mom's gone rogue!
Stay on your mission Maya.

Owen, don't be ridiculous.
I'm sorry, that's mine.

No, no.

-Hey, lady, I had that tree.
-Kids! Owen! Help!

-Oh, that is mine! Mine!
-Jimmy, quick, bite her fingers.

-Mine!
-Now, bite her.

-Mine!
-Come on. Come on.

Careful. Mine.

Kids, help!

Owen! Hello?

Wait, wait, oh. Wait a minute.

Height, excellent!

Width, perfect!

Needle concentration percent!

It's like a roller derby back there.

Somebody hit me
and then somebody else bit me and...

Wow!

Mommy, we got the best tree on the lot!

(phone rings)

Hold on, Sweetheart.

Hold that thought

Hello?

-NADINE: Darling, there you are.
-Hey g*ng.

NADINE: I've been looking
for you all morning!

-OWEN: I cant believe it.
-NADINE: How's your marketing plan coming?

It's coming along really well.

I think we've found the bestest tree ever!

Hmm. Sounds like
what's coming along great is a tree.

Let's take it home! Woo!

Maya, I'm counting on you.

-(laughs)
-MAYA: Yeah, It's going really well.

-(whistling)
-(laughing)

Yes Nadine, %. Yes.

Okay, wait for me!

Where is she going? Hey!

Hey, Maya...

Did you just hang up the phone?

JACK: Whoa, nice tree.

Oh man, you've got a great eye.

I think this is your best yet.

Owen picked it.

Oh.

Well, I guess nobody out does the master.

(phone ringing)

Hon, the point is Owen is helping

which leaves more time for us.

STEFFIE: Grandma and Grandpa
called from the car.

They're almost here.

-Here we go.
-Here we go.

Remember,
Owen is just a friend of the family

-who's staying for the holidays.
-I got it.

Why is it okay to lie about that

but when I lied about
breaking the lamp it was wrong?

Darling, we're not lying.

It's just that your grandparents
are elderly

and we don't want to confuse them.

And if your mother finds out
that we hired someone

to help with my Christmas,

you're gonna get caught
right in the crossfire.

Nothing better than being caught
in between my wife and my mother.

I smell family tension.

Always good for a little snowball fight!

Oh!

Very, very, childish!

-All right, that's it.
-(laughter)

(overlapping chatter)

Sorry. It was an open target.

(laughter)

Oh, no. Watch out kids.

MAN: Oh, no.

Grandma, you got pine needles
on your face!

(giggles)

MAYA: Frank, Judy, I am so sorry.

-We were having a snowball fight.
-Yeah, don't worry, don't worry hon.

Mom and Dad know it was an accident.

Yeah, like the Kennedy assassination.

Judy, let's head home
while it's still light.

Whoa, before you hit the road,

there's nothing like a hot toddy
to get the juices going.

You have to try this Judy.

You don't mind if I call you Judy, do you?

Who is this character?

This is Owen, he's a dear friend of ours

and he'll be spending
the holidays with us.

-What is that?
-OWEN: Made from an old family recipe,

it helps smooth out the rough edges.

So, cold car or warm drink?

Oh!

I saw by your bumper sticker Frank,

that you're a Seahawk fan.

Do you happen to remember
the former defensive end

that was born on Christmas Day?

Marcus Trufant!

Boy, this guy really knows
his sports trivia.

Well Judy, staying or going?

(doorbell dings)

Hi!

Ah, Peggy!

Maya, it is so great to see you.

Oh, you too.

Looks like you're finally moving up
in the world little sis.

I'm older than you.

I always have been, I always will be.

Hi! Hi sweetie!

-Peggy! Hi.
-Judy! Good to see you?

-JUDY: You look wonderful.
-Oh, thank you.

How many marathons did you run this year?

Five. But with all the charity work

I do in church I had to miss the th.

Oh, how does she do it?

I don't know,
maybe it's the six digit alimony check

she gets every month. (laughs)

(doorbell dings)

Bathroom express coming through!

-Hi Mom.
-This train's not gonna stop

'til toilet station.

Oh, sweetie pie,

this house is huge!

They certainly didn't splurge
on the decor.

Okay, I skimp on one anniversary
gift for your parents

and I'm the cheapskate
of the family for the rest of my life!

-Hey, Jimmy!
-Jacky boy!

You son of a g*n.

How are you? Oh, come here!

(groans)

How you doing?

You know I just got laid off
from the call center.

Can you believe it? Outsourced to India.

How's that for gratitude, huh?

Maya, where is your sister?

There she is, Peggy!

How are ya? Good to see ya!

Frank, Judy, happy holidays.

Oh, same to you, Merry Christmas.

That's an interesting scarf.

Versace?

Hors d'oeuvre, anyone?

Maya's got her guests serving.

Oh, you relax Owen. I'll do that.

Oh no, no, no. I insist.

No, no, Owen, I'll do it. I'll do it.

-No, I insist!
-MAYA: I'll do it Owen.

Owen!

Well, let's hope her parenting
has improved more than her manners.

Oh, look!

There's our sweet little Steffie.

Oh, Steffie!

Don't you look like a little princess
in your pretty plaid dress

all red and purple.

And your crown!

What have you got to say for yourself?

Someday everyone here is gonna die.

You, you,

and yeah, you.

Who wants to make snow angels?

(laughs)

Loving the new office.

Oh, your parents!

I think they wish
you'd married Superwoman.

JACK: I thought I did.

Listen, won't you forget about my parents

and relax!

You know, you don't have
to take control this year.

What's that supposed to mean?

Uh, well, you know,
we hired Owen to make life easier.

So, let's let him make life easier.

All right, well at least Owen
has everyone distracted.

Oh, did you see the look
on my mother's face

-when Steffie said that?
-I know, what is with that girl?

I don't know. Ever since we moved here

she's been living in
some kind of fantasy world.

Ugh, okay I have a conference
call which starts in--oh!

Five minutes ago!

DAVID: Hey Mom!
A truck just dumped a whole bunch

of Christmas decorations at the driveway.

OWEN: Wohoo! Everyone out front!
It's decorating time!

Okay, I'll be right there!

MAN: Nadine you have a call from Maya.

Oh, I need this.

MAYA: Hi Nadine?

I'm so sorry I missed the call.

NADINE:
I'm getting the distinct impression

that your family
is your only priority now.

Would somebody turn that racket down?

It sounds like
an orca's passing a kidney stone.

I'll get it, right away.

Now, Maya,

am I going to regret bringing you on

or are you going to give this client
the attention he needs?

No! I mean, yes!

No, no, yes of course,
I mean no, I'm on top of it.

Could you just tell me what I missed?

-Could you fill me in?
-NADINE: Maya, just pay more attention

to the whole bunch of thing.

DAVID: Hey, Anna.

-David!
-OWEN: Okay.

Christmas activity number one.

Here's the drill,
we all follow this blueprint,

we work together
to make the best decorations ever!

Yeah, I think I'd rather have a bruiskey.

In these shoes?

You two are on reindeer duty.

I'm not working with her!

OWEN: Sally come on,
you have an amazing sense of color

and Judy you are ultra-organized.

I've seen your luggage.

(gasps)

David! What the heck?

Oh, hey kids, cut it out!

And you two are rigging a snowman.

I'm not working with him.

OWEN: You may not realize it by now

but you are very lucky to have each other.

So, you are rigging a snowman

or you'll spend the rest of the day
locked outside!

-You can't do that!
-Your parents have granted me

sweeping powers that make
Guantanamo Bay look like Disneyland!

-Got it?
-(laughter)

Come on, let's go!

Everybody grab some garland.

(overlapping chatter)

Grab a candy cane. Let's get going here!

(overlapping chatter)

OWEN: Okay folks, looking good!
Looking good!

Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo,

this is the North Pole,
you are heading south.

Put it up over there!

Frank, secure that figurine.
Jack, help him out.

Okay, people let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Double time, double time.

I'm not getting any younger here!

Come on, hop to, hop to.

Ladies, ladies,

those reindeer are way too close
to each other.

They're supposed to be pulling a sleigh,

not smelling each others hineys!

And, um, that one's supposed
to be in the front.

OWEN: David, you concentrate
on the snowman!

And what is this?
What is this, yoga class?

We are not praying,

we are decorating, decorating!

Let's go folks, let's go!

(whistles)

Okay, okay. Everyone just turn around.

No peeking.

And no looking!

No looking. No looking. No looking.

Okay, now,

you all did a terrific job.

On three, I want you to turn around

and you will see
what the Christmas spirit is really like.

One...

...two...

...three!

Wow!

Pretty freaking sweet.

This is way better than last year, Owen.

-And not bad for two old broads.
-Boo-ya!

Christmas brings people together.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I'm here!

What did I miss?

Oh, you're already done?

How in the heck did you come up
with something like this?

Every Christmas morning
my wife and I would go down

to the department stores

and look in the windows

at the amazing Christmas displays.

This is just my way of trying to recreate

that Christmas feeling.

Aww!

OWEN: We still go,
it's our favorite part of Christmas!

SALLY: How sweet!

Well, I wanted to help
with some of the decorations.

I mean, first of all the lights are...

...adequate.

And there isn't even a wreath on the door.

How about this one?

Ha!

DAVID: Mom, we're done.

OWEN: Who wants to play pin the tail
on the reindeer?

-Yeah!
-Pin the tail on the reindeer!

-Come on. Come on.
-Let's go.

Wait a minute,

where'd you get that sweater?

I borrowed it from Owen, it's snuggly.

-Et tu, Jack?
-Oh, come on, Maya.

Are you all right?

Fine, Owen I'm fine.

-I'm gonna turn that frown upside down.
-(laughter)

I'm not frowning.

-Race you to the door. Come on!
-Okay!

You win!

Ta da!

(acoustic music playing)

You missed dessert. Are you hungry?

Oh, no thanks.

I love this picture.

Look at this!

Look, Anna's actually smiling.

You know, I wanna enjoy Christmas too,
I wanna have some fun.

I don't wanna be stuck in here working.

I don't know if you realize it
but everyone wants it for you.

(cell phone ringing)

Wonder who it'll be.

-Oh, guess who!
-Yeah. I'm out of here.

Hi, Nadine.

NADINE: Maya,
I plan on giving up my (indistinct)

-That's a great idea.
-NADINE: I hope you appreciate that.

Great idea.

NADINE: Getting so excited.
We need them to sign the contract.

-It's all in your hands.
-Uh-hmm.

Good morning, Fletcher family!

Only a few days left 'til Christmas.

So, today I'll be helping each one of you
find the perfect gift for each other.

Um, Owen?

Why do you need to be on TV
when we're all in the same room?

Research shows that children
pay % more attention

to anything they see on television.

Besides, I always thought
I'd make a good anchorman.

This just in!

Where's the rest of the menagerie?

Oh, I sent Jack
and the entire g*ng on an eggnog haul,

they won't be back 'til five.

So, you're in luck because today

we start picking out the presents!

Now that means you start getting in touch

with your secret Santa,

your repressed reindeer,

your inner elf.

My inner elf needs to keep her job
at the workshop

or it's gonna be a cold, cold winter.

Owen?

You're picking out our Christmas presents,

Santa's supposed to choose what we get.

Yes!

Christmas giant.

Steffie,

Santa is such a busy fellow

that sometimes
even he needs a little help.

As a matter of fact, we all get busy

so sometimes we all need a little help.

Okay elves, we're heading out!

-We made our list...
-ALL: We checked it twice.

OWEN: We know
who's naughty or nice so let's go!

Stay hydrated, stay focused,

work together and we win!

(whistling)

Come on, Mom! (whistling)

I'm jingling.

Maya, I am so glad
we have this alone time together.

Now, your job is to relax
so I'm going to hang onto this

until we find out
what the perfect gift is for Jack.

Owen, you're too much.

Now, I need a little
more background information.

How did you two meet?

Sophomore year,
I helped him pass economics

and he helped me
almost fail ballroom dancing

and we've been together ever since.

Aww. So, what did you get him last year

that made him feel so special?

-A shoetree.
-A what?

You know what?
His closet was a total disaster zone.

Well don't go Grinch on me here,
I'm just trying to help.

That's why you're going to get Jack

dancing lessons this year
for the two of you.

You two deserve to kick up your heels!

Well, married life with three kids

isn't always a cakewalk.

Do you have kids?

Four-year-old Sammy and two year old Roxy.

Nothing beats having a family, huh?

-ANNA: Hi, Mom.
-DAVID: We're done, Mom.

Hey! Looks like we're almost done
with shopping, huh?

-ANNA: Yeah.
-Great! All right. let's get going.

Look David, boxing gloves!

Maybe you ought to use those on Patrick.

Who's Patrick?

The bully from next door.

He stole David's sled last week.

MAYA: Patrick stole your sled?

Honey, you love that sled.
Why didn't you tell me?

Look, Mom, when you get busy
you're not that easy to talk to.

Okay?

I'm plenty easy to talk to!

Mom, you're like screaming.

I'm not screaming.

-Mom, you're...
-CHAD: Excuse me.

...yelling at like a million decibels.

Oh, Maya, that's the boy that she likes.

Yes I know, Fred.

Chad, Mom! His name is Chad.

Oh. Okay, all right. Hi Chad!

Mom!

Oh, uh, every time a bell rings
an angel gets its wings.

Well, every time that phone rings
I get a stomachache, so...

-Nope, no.
-No.

No. I'm doing this for your own good!
-Owen.

This is possibly the greatest humiliation

-one individual has ever suffered.
-Hey, Give me my phone!

Oh great, so now I'm the world's
worst mother.

Can I please have my...

♪Jingle bells, jingle bells
jingle all the way. ♪

-Give me my phone!
-I reprogrammed the ringer.

-Oh, great.
-What?

Someone leaked about the merger,

Nadine's called a teleconference.
All right, we've gotta go.

Stupid garland. Stupid teleconference.

Who snipped snowflakes
out of my marketing plan?

Maya, darling,

we can see you.

-Hello.
-So glad to see you're finally with us.

Well my dears, we're in crisis mode.

Now that word has leaked,
it's time that we finalize this deal

before the Park Avenue piranhas
come swarming in and outbid us.

Now, I'm hopping on a plane to Aspen
to meet with Boris

to keep him under wraps.

Do you think that's absolutely necessary?

I think the key at this point
is to project focus, stability.

Ta-da!

I am on the phone.

The wolves are circling
and you're playing dress up?

-Get out!
-Oops.

-Sorry.
-I need your total focus here.

Okay, your marketing plan needs to be
in Tartakov's hands yesterday

if he's gonna sign the contract
at your party Christmas Eve

and have this acquisition go through.

Absolutely, I'm on top of it.

You can rest assured with total confidence

that I can handle anything

and everything.

No!

Did she just hang up on me?

Did she?

-Owen!
-(grunts)

Who knew you couldn't plug
extensions into one outlet.

Sorry.

Maya, you're on my yarn.

And I could use a refill.

I'm drinking Chablis dear.

And did you know that Owen
has done your baking for you?

Do you want bread-maker Maya
or breadwinner Maya?

Because you can't always
get both of me at the same time.

Candy cane martinis
coming down the chimney!

The fruitcakes are in the oven.

-You got it! Woo-hoo!
-Cheers!

I need somewhere quiet to work.

-Is anybody in the bedroom?
-Your sister's doing yoga in the bedroom.

Oh yeah, you don't get a butt that tight
without a little effort.

He's just complimenting your genes, honey.

More like her jeans.

-(laughter)
-I need somewhere to work.

What am I supposed to do, go to the car?

JIMMY: Oh no, afraid not.
I sent your kid out on a beer run.

Anna?

She's !

(chuckles) She's got a Learner's Permit.

And no smoking in the house!

JIMMY: Oh, sorry. (chuckles)

That's probably her now. (chuckles)

-(sizzles)
-(alarm wailing in distance)

(screaming)

-Fire!
-Help! Help! Help!

Out of the way. Out of the way.

-Out of the way!
-(fizzles)

I got it. I got it.

-JIMMY: Oh!
-Oh!

Oh, It's okay, It's okay. I'm all right.

-(coughs)
-Maya looks okay too.

My sales projections!

Holiday meltdown, aisle two!

All right, I've seen this happen before.

No one panic, no one panic.

Let's try to relax.

I think we need a Santa-vention.

I am going to shove your partridge
right up your pear tree!

You look like you could use
a little time alone.

Frank! Peggy!

Sally! Judy!

Guess what?
I got you tickets to the Nutcracker.

And for you, coupons to the North Pole.

The strip club on Route ?

Kids! We're going caroling.

Great! (chuckles)

Oh.

(grunts)

Here you go.

First my mom
totally embarrasses me in front of Chad

and now I get to humiliate myself
in front of the neighbors?

Ha! Great!

Until you've tried caroling

you've not fully embraced
the Christmas spirit.

Everyone go to page one in their songbooks

and the first place we're heading
is the Lowenstein's.

Uh, you think the Lowenstein's
might want something

other than Jesus Christ, Superstar?

Lowenstein's, Jesus Christ Superstar.

That's good use of your holiday noggin.

-How about the dradle song?
-(laughter)

MAN : Fletcher's caroling, please.
MAN : Ugh!

It's the Hastings.

Let's go home.

OWEN: What, are you afraid
of a little competition?

Break for the Millers!

Come on.

Hurry up! Hurry up!!

Anna get the doorbell! Get the doorbell!

-Okay, okay.
-(doorbell dings)

Line up, line up.

Look sweet, look sweet.

-Smile. Smile.
-(door bell dings)

And okay. "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

One, two, three.

♪Oh come, all ye faithful♪

♪On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me ♪

♪ A partridge in a pear tree♪

♪On the second day of Christmas
my true love gave to me♪

♪Two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree♪

WOMAN: Henry

♪...Third day of...♪

-(door closes)
-Could we go home now?

Please?

Just like that?

Did Washington wanna go home
at Valley Forge?

Did MacArthur wanna go home at Manila?

Well actually he did, but did he stay?

Did he? Did he? Did he?

ANNA: I'm gonna guess no.

Come on, now! Who will stay with me

in honor of defending
the Fletcher family pride?

Who? Who? Who?

I will!

Thank you, Steffie.

Now look at me...

aren't you all shamed by the spirit
of this little six year old?

Not really.

Okay.

Who else is willing to sing
in the holidays with me

and kick the Hastings' sorry little butts?

Who? Who? Who?

Kick our butts, are you kidding?

You guys sound like a bunch of dying cats!

ANA: Oh, uh, well, we love cats.

Especially when they're dying.

Ugh!

Yeah, you suck!

Oh.

I'm in.

You know what, me too.

Let's do this!

Good king Wenceslas,

one, two, three.

♪Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪

♪On the feast of Stephen♪

♪When the snow lay round about ♪

-♪Deep and crisp and even♪
-OWEN: Louder!

(singing overlapping)

-Joy to the world!
-♪Joy to the world♪

♪The Lord has come♪

♪Let Earth receive her king!♪

(singing overlapping)

Always be prepared,

-the secret of Christmas.
-(clanks)

♪Deck the halls with boughs of holly♪

♪Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la♪

Silent night!

♪Silent night♪

♪Holy night♪

♪All is calm♪

♪All is bright♪

♪Round yon virgin mother and child♪

♪Holy infant so tender and mild♪

-♪Sleep in heavenly peace...♪
-Here we go!

♪Sleep in heavenly peace♪

♪Sleep in heavenly peace!♪

(rumbles)

-(glass shatters)
-(clatters)

(thuds)

(glass shatters)

Whoa!

-What the...
-(alarm wailing)

Merry Christmas, Hastings!

(alarm wailing)

Oh!

Oh.

Well honey, I guess
that's what's insurance is for.

Somehow I don't think
aggressive caroling is covered.

What's collateral damage

in the battle for holiday fun? (chuckles)

Did you hear us?

JACK: Yeah, I can't believe you got David
and Anna caroling.

I mean, that's something
I never thought I'd see.

Are you two ready for your special treat?

No, I can't.

I've been trying to download
the marketing data

but someone maxed out the wireless

streaming every Christmas movie ever made.

Well, now you got some free time.

I mean, don't you think
it'll be productive

if you take a breather,

spend some time here with your,
uh... (clicks)

...special fella?

(laughs)

What do you say Maya?

What do you say?

You know what?

Yes.

I'm not gonna miss Christmas
just because of all this.

Good!

I wonder what the demented elf
has in store for us.

(chuckles)

(laughs) What is this?

(door closes)

Get ready for the ride of your life.

All aboard for the romantic
mountain sleigh ride.

Oh, this is interesting.
Come on. (chuckles)

All right. Just give me a moment will you?

-Okay.
-And...

-...voila! (chuckles)
-(sleigh bells ringing)

Wow! (laughs)

JACK: Wow, Owen.

What's Christmas
without a little snuggle time?

Owen, I have to admit,

this is really thoughtful of you.

OWEN: Proposed to my missus
on a Christmas sleigh ride, I did.

Pretty magical, huh?

Looks like someone's getting along.

Oh, oops! Uh...

Aloha.

Oh, sorry, wrong button. (chuckles)

(dramatic music playing)

Sorry things have been crazy lately.

MAYA: No, I'm sorry.

I'm just glad we have a few minutes
to unwind a little.

-Mm-hmm.
-Oh...

Well you know we're almost through.
(clears throat)

I don't wanna get through Christmas,

I wanna enjoy it!

Okay, so let's enjoy it.

All right.

Owen, give me the blanket.

-Thank you, sir.
-OWEN: You're welcome.

Enjoy!

(accordion playing)

♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ A partridge in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the second day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

You know, I still have a few moves.

-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah!

-Like what?
-Like--oh, what's this on your cheek?

-Oh, it's a...
-A little eyelash?

-Oh!
-Oh!

(phone ringing)

OWEN: Hmm.

♪ Someone's got a cell phone ♪

♪ That's a violation
of the Geneva Convention ♪

♪ On a romantic sleigh rides ♪

My deal is falling apart as we speak.

I just thought maybe
we could spend a few minutes

together decompressing, that's all.

I don't have any time to decompress.

(cell phone ringing)

Hi, Janey?

Oh, they did.

-Okay, I will.
-(chimes)

Women's Wear Daily
picked up a story about the acquisition

and now I have to write
a press release ASAP.

Well, that's okay,

we've gotta set up
for the pageant auditions anyway.

-Hmm...
-Great, you're disappointed.

Well, I like to disappoint
at least one person every day.

That's my life.

Actually, Maya, I'm worried about you.

Could we pretend
there's a little divider here

-like in a taxicab ride?
-(chuckles)

Come here.

(door opens)

(light switch clicks)

You haven't got any beer in here?

♪ The first Noel ♪

♪ The angels did say ♪

-♪ Was to certain...♪
-I'm really sorry.

-Got a big day.
-Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I gotta go.

I wonder if it's too late
to slip next door for Kwanza.

(Judy singing out of tune)

Things a little rocky on the home front?

Let me give you
a piece of free advice, Maya.

Communication.

Thank you, Dr. Pill.

-Oh!
-(thuds)

(Judy singing out of tune)

Yeah, I could recommend a great therapist.

Goes by the name Dr. Jack Daniels.

(laughing)

You can tell him anything.

Thank you both so much,

but everything is great.

Well, not everything.

♪Born is the king ♪

♪ Of Israel♪

Thank you, thank you, that's fine.

Well, Judy,
uh, your delivery was a little tired,

your musicality was all over the place.

I'm sorry, I didn't like it...

I loved it! You're in!

-(Frank laughs)
-I'm in?

Frank, I'm in the pageant!

What do you have to do to be out?

JUDY: I'm in. I'm in.

Yeah.

Don't worry, Maya,
you're not left out of the pageant

and you don't even have to audition.

I have the perfect part for you.

All right, places everyone!

Now, when we perform
at the Christmas Eve party,

I want to bring the house down.

For the record, I don't remember
there being any reindeer in the manger.

We all have our versions.

(sighs) Okay.

Concentrate, get ready,

and action.

-That night in the fields, the shepherds--
-(phone chimes)

--were guarding their sheep.

All at once, an angel came down to them.

I, um...

Yes?

Esmeralda wants to go
to her magical palace.

She likes it better there.

Well, that's okay, Steffie.

Maybe you can go to your palace

and work on your lines with your mom.

Mom's too busy.

No, sweetheart, Mommy can help you.

That's okay, Owen will teach me.

I'd love to.

Okay, that's lunch break.

I've called in for some pizza,

so that gives us time to think about
our characters and motivation.

(chuckles)

Honey, are you still upset about Brad?

Chad, Mom. It's Chad.

Sweetheart, one day,

maybe a long, long time in the future,

you are going to meet a great guy.

A long, long time.

Are you trying to utterly destroy
my self-esteem?

-No honey, what I mean to say is...
-(phone ringing)

-Just one sec.
-I'll be right back.

-MAYA: Yes, Nadine?
-Guess we'll never know.

Anna, in a Charlie Brown Christmas,

does Lucy ever give up
her pursuit of Schroeder?

Even when the chips are down?

Of course not.

You never know what's around the corner.

-(doorbell dings)
-Oh!

That must be the pizza I ordered.

Anna, why don't you get the door?

Okay.

-Hey.
-Uh, hi.

You ordered a couple of pizzas?

-I, um...
-OWEN: Yes, yes, come in.

-I'll take those.
-Uh, that's bucks.

OWEN: The money is in an envelope
in the top drawer.

One second, his drawer is a mess.

You're in my Spanish class.

Anna...

(speaking Spanish)

Si, si.

(speaking Spanish)

(chuckles)

Hey, what's going on?

Here you go.

Uh, hey, there's two
Thunderbirds tickets in here.

OWEN: Oh, yeah right.
Uh, that's your tip.

Uh, front row seats
to next Saturday night's hockey game,

compliments of Jack and Maya here.

Are you kidding?

Thanks, Fletchers, I love hockey!

Uh, me too.

Oh, well, uh, wanna go with me?

I, um...

Mucho gracias.

De nada.

See you Saturday.

(door closes)

(shrieks) Thank you!

-(laughs)
-Thank you!

-ANNA: Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
-Well, that's about as perfect

a Christmas gift as I've ever seen.

(chuckles)

(laughs)

What are you doing holed up in here?

Making fruitcakes.

At least I know I'm good at one thing.

Owen's are as hard as a rock!

Wasn't that something that just happened?

I mean, Anna's so happy

we're gonna have
to scrape her off the ceiling.

Yeah, but I'm getting a little tired
of all of his grandstanding.

And that's why we hired him, right?

I think it was
a pretty classy thing he did,

You know,
giving us credit for the tickets.

-Grandstanding! Grandstanding!
-Oh, boy.

Big fat grandstander.

You're too grumpy. You know what?

You're gonna go and enjoy your family.

Go on, have a drink.

Relax, I'm gonna clean up in here.

Go on.

Wee!

Anyone like a candy cane martini
or some soft, fresh fruitcake?

Oh, you had me at want.

(door closes)

-David, what's wrong?
-Nothing.

Honey!

Patrick Allieri took my sled again.

You told me you would tell me
if this kept happening.

Maybe I can help in this situation.

I'm his mother!

I can handle this.

(sighs)

Can't stay inside all day, kid.

It's no use, nothing's going to change.

That guy is a classic bully,
twice my size.

Do you remember in the Nutcracker,

the toy soldier challenges
the mouse king to a duel,

even though the toy soldier
is way smaller?

I mean, come on!
You're an inventive, right?

You made that decoy.

I guess so.

I say it's time...

we go on the offensive.

(drill whirs)

(chuckles)

-Are you Patrick?
-PATRICK: It depends.

That sled says David.

This is a nicest sled my folks got.

It's pronounced Davide.

I think it's pronounced delinquent
and if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna have a little chat
with your folks over fruitcake.

Now, step aside.

-(sled scrapes)
-They're not home, they're never home.

But I'll give that to them.

No! I'll give it to them myself.

-(sled scrapes)
-They're not here, understand?

MAYA: Okay, let me just tell you.

My Pilates studio also teaches kickboxing!

PATRICK: Hey!

Go on.

You're stronger than you look!

I might say the same thing about you!

-Ah!
-MAYA: Ooh!

Ha! Merry Christmas.

Thanks for the sled.

-(beeps)
-DAVID: We've got you surrounded!

This is your last chance, Patrick,

to step aside and embrace non-v*olence!

Huh?

For starters, returning my sled!

-David?
-Hi, Mom!

I'm trying a new approach,
the Nutcracker offense!

All I want is the sled, Patrick!

And my dignity!

Bite me.

You asked for it.

Lock and load!

Fire in the hole!

(laughs) Fire in the hole!

Fire in the hole!

-(Patrick screams)
-Yes!

Ah!

That gives a whole new meaning
to the term Nutcracker!

You got that right.

DAVID: We did it!
We did it, Mom, did you see?

Yes, honey, how did you come up with that?

DAVID: It was something Owen said.

I figured if the Nutcracker mouse king
got taken out with shoes,

I could use fruitcakes
just as effectively.

And your patented double bungee
really gave it some kick.

Ha!

I'm proud of you, kiddo.

-Mm-hmm.
-Inside for games, come on!

Then outside for snowman building.

In honor of our hero, David,

we're gonna make a snowman feet tall!

-Come on, Maya.
-DAVID: Owen, you're the best!

(dramatic music playing)

MAYA: Yeah. Owen, you're the best.

(indistinct chattering)

Unbelievable.

(indistinct chattering)

(groans)

Just one more day, Maya.

Just one more day.

Owen did! Owen told me.

Owen. Owen, Owen, Owen.

Oh! (chuckles)

(yells)

Hey, why don't you come in from the cold?

Come on.

-(door closes)
-Coming!

♪ In just one more day ♪

♪ Owen will be away ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ I don't want to sit and work ♪

♪ I want to go and play ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Oh!

♪ Jingle... ♪

No, no...

(jazz music playing)

(indistinct chattering)

-Amy, you eat a lot.
-(laughing)

At first you should...

(camera shutter clicks)

JACK: Maya, you look beautiful!

Exhausted but beautiful.

Well, I didn't sleep a wink.

But the weight of the world
is off my shoulders

because I finished the marketing plan!

I even came up with the tagline.

-Siberia, come in from the cold.
-Nice!

I emailed it to Tartakov this morning
so it's out of my hands.

-Is that fake mistletoe?
-No, it's fresh mistletoe.

-Owen had it flown in from Norway.
-MAYA: Mmm.

Wait...

Steffie's not eating alone anymore?

I know, Esmeralda's joined the family.

Well hey, sweetheart,
it looks like you're not--

well, Esmeralda's not shy anymore.

It's like the Rudolph story.

How so?

STEFFIE: Owen said that even if you don't
like some place at first,

like the North Pole or a new neighborhood,

things can change, like with Rudolph.

Now everyone fits in, even Esmeralda.

Wow! Owen said that?

That's great.

Owen said that.

Isn't that great?

No. I'm floating
in a cloud of positive energy,

nothing can bring me down.

-(indistinct)
-WOMAN: Ooh! Yes.

-I'm under the mistletoe.
-(laughs)

Owen, I've gotta give it to you.

This is an amazing party,

-Tartakov's gonna flip.
-WOMAN: Ooh!

And I'm sorry if I've been...
stressed at times.

-Oh, come on. I hadn't noticed.
-MAN: Great party, sir. Great party.

You know what,
the kids have a surprise planned,

-you better stay tuned.
-(doorbell dings)

JACK: Jimmy, what do you got there?

(indistinct chattering)

NADINE: Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas!
-And well done,

I was beginning to wonder
if you could deliver.

Boris! You've simply got to see this.

(laughs)

I am very much looking forward
to American Christmas!

And market plan you sent over.

Ay, very impressive.

Very impressive! (laughs)

Looks like you've kept the wolves at bay.

Just keep the vodka flowing

and let's get Tartakov's signature
on that acquisition contract.

(indistinct chattering)

(laughs) Many, many things!

Very realistic.

Very well-orchestrated.

(laughing)

Nadine, Mr. Tartakov,
this is my husband, Jack.

-How do you do?
-Nice to meet you.

-Pleasure to meet you.
-Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

He goes to the gym...

Thank you very much for allowing me

to share in your Christmas festival.

Very much enjoyable.

We're so glad
you could be here Mr. Tartakov!

Please, Boris.

-Boris.
-Boris.

Excuse me, would you like a drink?

-Nadine. Thank you.
-BORIS: Mmm.

Is this standard Russian vodka?

It certainly is, sir.

-Made with chips from real glacier ice.
-Mmm.

This is my favorite.

Most impressive evening.

Most impressive evening!

NADINE: Boris, shall we wrap up
the paperwork

so we can open the champagne?

Da.

ANNA: Dad! Now please.

JACK: Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
Anna's going to say something.

(glass dings)

Before we start the pageant,

we wanted to give a gift to someone
who's really gone a bit...

unappreciated this Christmas.

A person who has worked so hard for us

and brought us together.

Though maybe we went
a little crazy in the process.

-Maybe so, maybe so.
-ANNA: But...

someone who has delivered as special
a Christmas as we could ever remember.

-One we will never forget.
-Oh, guys, really?

To Owen!

(cheers and applause)

What?

ANNA: Mom, we just wanted
to thank Owen for all he's done.

Uh, wow.

Okay, well... Owen, yes!

-Okay.
-MAYA: Thank you.

As mother of the Fletcher family,

-I thank you.
-ANNA: Mom!

Uh...

-you're welcome.
-MAYA: Yes, thank you.

Thank you for decorating
our house so brightly

that the airport called to complain
that we're actually distracting planes.

Oh, and thank you for playing
matchmaker with my daughter

because apparently I failed with that too.

And thank you for showing me up
in front of my son

and probably getting me sued
for as*ault by fruitcakes in the process.

That's enough. Maya!

No, no, no, that's okay.
I mean, Holidays wouldn't be the same

without a little family squabble right?

(laughter)

I mean all of my other clients say that.

-WOMAN : Clients?
-WOMAN : What?

-Clients?
-OWEN: I mean--I didn't mean...

MAYA: Yes, yes. Oh, no, it's fine!

Let's get it all out in the open.

Peggy, do you know why he said that?

-Uh, Maya, let's...
-No!

-He said that because we hired Owen.
-(phone beeps)

He's not an old friend,
he's a Christmas consultant

and we hired him
to give us a really great Christmas.

You handed over the keys to Christmas?

This one's going on YouTube.

You outsourced our holiday?

MAYA: Yes! Because guess what?

I can't always be the perfect homemaker
and the perfect executive

and a mother and a wife
all at the same time.

I'm so sorry!

BORIS: Is this Christmas pageant?

I do not know this story.

Very realistic. Go, go! Go!

Mom, please, just shut up, okay?

I'd wash that child's mouth out with soap.

Can you please keep your child
rearing suggestions to yourself!

She's only trying to help.

Don't speak!

Oh, Maya. You're--come on,
you're a firecracker, huh?

Come on. Hey, hey,
who wants another round, huh?

Another round?
Another round of our whiskey?

You are the moochiest mooch
that ever lived.

Mooch!

I don't mean it (indistinct)

And you! Ugh!

Well thank you for your nut balls
and your fruitcakes and your snowmen

and everything that you have done
to keep me away

from my family and my home.

Mommy, leave Owen alone.

JACK: Calm down, Maya.

You're trying to steal my family.

Oh!

(scream)

Maya!

This is unacceptable.

You are finished!

Oh, I am just getting started!

Maya, we have guests
and you are going loco.

Maya, Maya. You're...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

They're throwing (indistinct)

Oh, Maya. Oh, dear.

(indistinct chattering)

OWEN: No, stop! Stop! Please.

Come on, hon, it's Christmas eve.

Opa!

(clatters)

Easy!

OWEN: Hey, hey.

(clamoring)

(overlapping chatter)

(screams)

(buzzes)

Owen!

I've one thing to say to you.

You're fired!

(dramatic music playing)

(door closes)

-Oh, my gosh.
-(gasps)

-Boris.
-(speaking Russian)

American Christmas is crazy!

Boris, wait!

Wait!

Maya, I'll just have you know,

you needn't come in on Monday.

Or ever again.

Boris!

-Boris, wait.
-She's insane!

Frank, pack our bags!

I don't see what Jack sees in her.

Guys, wait!

(sighs)

(screams)

(dramatic music playing)

I really screwed up big time.

That's a bit of an understatement.

Hey, but look at the bright side, huh?

We've got no more relatives here,

now we get some peace and quiet.

I'm so sorry, Jack, I just snapped.

I thought the kids' special gift
was for me.

JACK: And what, they did have one

and it was gonna be a topper.

I'm so embarrassed!

JACK: You know, I--

I get that your plate is full.

And I… (sighs)

...even without Christmas,
I mean, you're juggling so much.

But Maya, this was just...

MAYA: Oh, the kids are gonna be
so disappointed.

Well, hey guys.

Look, I know everything's terrible,
but I promise we'll fix it

as soon as the stores are open tomorrow.

So I don't want you to think of it
as no Christmas,

it's just a little delayed.

And I promise I will make it up
to all of you,

I feel terrible.

Christmas is about
being together as a family

and I just forgot that.

Mommy.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.

(laughs)

Merry Christmas to us all.

We have a present for you!

-You do?
-Sure!

What is it?

ANNA: Our finale from the Christmas
pageant that never was.

That's our present to you, Mommy.

-Places, everyone!
-ANNA: Go!

It all worked out. Here we go.

(trumpet playing)

(guitar playing)

♪ Oh come, all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ Oh, come ye, oh come ye ♪

♪ To Bethlehem ♪

♪ Come and behold him ♪

♪ Born the king of angels ♪

♪ Oh, come, let us adore him ♪

♪ Oh, come, let us adore him ♪

♪ Oh, come, let us adore him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord! ♪

(trumpet playing)

Hey, that was great!

-Merry Christmas, Mommy!
-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.

Oh, you guys, that was so good!

Owen's been rehearsing us
every spare minute

for the last three days.

Owen...

Well, seriously,

that was the best Christmas present ever!

I'm so lucky to have you, guys.

JACK: I'm just glad
we're all here together.

Well--well, not everyone.

-What are you doing?
-The right thing.

(dramatic music playing)

(doorbell dings)

(knocks)

Owen?

WOMAN: Owen's not there, sweetie.

Oh, it looks so empty in there.

Do you know if he and his wife and kids
went to a family dinner or something?

Oh, honey, he doesn't have a wife.

She passed away five years ago,

never had any kids.

I only have one restriction,

I spend Christmas Day with my family.

(dogs barking)

Sammy, Roxy,
quiet down or no Christmas treats.

MAYA: Do you have kids?

Four year old Sammy and two year old Roxy.

Nothing beats having a family, huh?

Four year old Sammy and two year old Roxy?

(dogs whimpering)

Do you have any idea
where he might've gone?

Sorry, I gotta go.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.

Every Christmas morning,
my wife and I would go down

to the department stores

and stare at the amazing window displays.

(car engine starts)

(engine revving)

(mechanical parts whirring)

(engine revving)

Owen?

What are you doing here?

Looking for you.

Come to finish me off?

Of course not.

Well, that's good.

Look, um, I am in a huge rush,
I really gotta run.

We're going to the wife's
parents this year.

Owen, I know.

I know about Lisa.

(dramatic music playing)

We really did come here
every Christmas morning.

I didn't make that up.

Lisa loved this scene.

Christmas was her favorite holiday.

She knew how to make
everyone around her happy.

Her love...

her warmth.

I just miss her so much.

Anyway, I really am sorry
about last night.

Oh, that?

You wrecked my house, cost me my job

and made the last week
of my life a living hell?

You have no boundaries

and you have no idea when to quit.

Do you know what you are?

A failure.

A friend.

(chuckles)

By any chance...

you get a head wound last night?

No, you just reminded me
of how lucky I am.

I have a great family, amazing kids.

-I have a wonderful life.
-PWEN: Well, you see Maya,

I told you Christmas can change anything.

Christmas can solve anything!

MAYA: Yes, it can, Owen.

But you can't hide
behind the pain of losing Lisa

and giving other people great Christmases.

Christmas was the time of the year
we were most happy.

I just don't want those memories to fade.

They won't!

But Owen, you talk about
Lisa's love and warmth.

Do you know how much love and warmth

you brought my family this year?

You have to stop hiding in the past.

You have to open your eyes,
you're in the present.

You're in my family's present...

and our future.

You're a member of our family now.

(sighs)

STEFFIE: Then you hang
the snowflakes like this.

Merry Christmas.

-Owen!
-Hey!

STEFFIE:
I knew you'd come back, I knew it!

Wow, everything's back to normal.

Well, on Christmas, anything can happen.

ANNA: That's what somebody told us.

And Christmas is the day that we...

Welcome a new member to the family!

Oh, I don't know what to say!

I want to get you guys
such a nice presents.

You already did.

NADINE: Yoo-hoo! Merry Christmas.

Nadine. Boris.

-Nadine, I'm so sorry about last night.
-NADINE: About what?

Oh, please, it gave us a little time
to get to know each other much better

-if you know what I mean.
-BORIS: (chuckles) Da.

Listen, we came to un-fire you.

Boris and I sealed the deal last night.

So, everything's okay?

Better than okay!

From now on,
I'm investing in Russian steel.

(laughs)

Now let us go nogs eggs

and then I take you for ride
in my helicopter.

NADINE: I bet you say that
to all the girls!

Oh, no, no.
Just you, my American she-wolf. (chuckles)

YOLANDA: Merry Christmas, cousin Maya!

-Yolanda!
-I'm so sorry I'm late,

I couldn't find anyone to watch the cats
in the shelter till this morning.

-So, I hopped in the car.
-MAYA: Oh, that's okay.

Yolanda, this is Owen.

-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas yourself.

Uh, Nice sweater, I like cats.

Thanks, me too.

You know, every Christmas,
I dress my kitties up

-in little Santa costumes.
-Oh, wow.

YOLANDA: Reindeer antlers.

There's an elf.

(laughs)

I just love Christmas so much.

It's the best day of the year
don't you think?

MAYA: Christmas is Owen's favorite day
of the year too.

Really?

Yes, it is.

I'll go get us eggnog, okay?

Great.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year! ♪

♪Oh, bring us some figgy pudding♪

♪Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪

♪Oh, bring us some figgy pudding♪

♪And a cup of good cheer♪

Whoo!

Hey, do you do New Years?

(dramatic music playing)