Period of Adjustment (1962)

[bunniefuu]

Mrs. Slovatny!

Alright, alright!

Break it up.

You're going on our
honeymoon with me.

Come on.

Bye-bye!

Good-bye!

Bye!

Bye-bye!

Bye!

Bye-bye!

Bye-bye!

Isabel...

This is a 1939

black Cadillac
station wagon.

It's not a hearse.

But if it...

If it comes from
Burt Myers' mortuary--

Then it's a great buy
at 500 bucks,

'cause it stands
to reason

that whoever drove it
for Burt Myers' mortuary

was no hot-rodding kid.

Look, little bit,

say you carry coal
a couple of times in a--

In a thunderbird.

Doesn't necessarily

make the thunderbird
a coal truck, does it?

No.

But if...

But if this car...

Has gone
147,000 miles...

What was carried in it

was carried in it more
than a couple of times.

It's not that I mind,
George,

it's just that...

It was such
a surprise.

I mean, at first glance,
right after getting married.

Oh, you sure were happy
about that, too.

Bawling over
that head nurse

like she was your last
friend in the world.

And after telling me
100 times

what a blood-sucking
old harpy she is.

Well, I'm sorry you think
I'm a hypocrite.

No, little bit,
I didn't call you--

It's just I had a moment
of feeling lonely--

Getting married
without daddy

or poor mama
being there

and going off
to a strange place...

Wait. You picked Miami!

With a strange man
I'm not even related to...

In a hearse!

All of a sudden,

I thought at least
I know Mrs. Slovatny.

Maybe you should be
going to Miami, Florida

with Mrs. Slovatny.

I don't wanna go
with Mrs. Slovatny.

I wanna go with you
'cause I love you--

Which is why
I married you!

Only that little fact

would be a little easier
to remember

if you'd stop
shouting at me!

Who's shouting?!

'Cause I'm not used
to being shouted at!

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

A radio in a...

♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride ♪

♪ in a one-horse
open sleigh ♪

♪ jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle all the way ♪

I guess they must've
played it

on the way back.

♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh ♪

♪ dashing
through the snow ♪

♪ in a one-horse
open sleigh ♪

♪ o'er the fields
we go... ♪

Ohh. Think it'll be
a white Christmas, honey?

Won't matter to us.

We gonna be lying
on the nice, warm sand

in Miami, Florida.

Hey, little bit,

take a look back
at St. Louis.

May be your last look.

I did it, honey.

I quit my job yesterday.

George haverstick.

Yep.

I don't think
that's one bit amusing.

I'm tellin--

George, I...

I thought married people
were supposed to...

Discuss important decisions
with each other.

4:00 yesterday
afternoon,

when I made that
particular decision,

we weren't married.

Well, we are now.

Oh, that's the truth.

Mind telling me
what we are gonna do?

We're gonna go
to Miami, Florida

and lie on the nice,
warm sand.

Oh, no we are not.

We are gonna
find you a job.

We'll talk about what kind
of a job tonight.

Oh, I...

I mean...

No, I mean, like while
we're having dinner?

And then we'll start
looking tomorrow.

And we won't stop

until we find
what we are looking for.

Honey, I was just trying
to sh--

♪ Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle all the way ♪

♪ oh, what fun
it is to ride ♪

George: INFORMATION?

I'd like the number
of Mr. Ralph bates.

High point, Tennessee.

Will you get it for me?

Thank you, operator.

Hello.

This is George haverstick.

Is Mr. Bates at home?

He's at the Christmas
party at the office?

You tell him I'll call him in the
morning when he sobers up.

Thank you.

♪ ...one-horse
open sleigh ♪

♪ jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle all the way ♪

yeah, that's me.

Lucky.

Something to warm you up,
mack, you know?

I don't need that!

I just like it.

♪ ...all the way ♪

well...

It'll make a cute story
to tell, uh,

tell people, won't it?

I mean,

having our wedding dinner
in a place like this.

What's a matter
with a place like this?

I just mean it's, uh,

a little unconventional.

That's what so cute
about it.

Might do us some good
at that.

It's getting cold
in that car.

A little cold all over.

I noticed.

Well,
down the hatch.

You aren't gonna
get intoxicated,

are you, honey?

I--I mean,

you've already had
quite a lot of beer, dear.

When we were going around, you
didn't keep a tally on what I drank.

I'm not keeping a tally. I--

That's good, because
nobody is gonna count drinks

on George haverstick.

That-a-boy!

You tell her!

Alright, kid.

You want some ketchup?

No, thank you.

Looks...

Looks like
quite a good steak.

There is nothing
like a good steak.

Did you get your friend
Ralph bates?

No, I talked
to the baby-sitter.

See, Ralph was out
at a party with his frau.

What kind of child do
they have--the bates'?

Mmm. A boy or a girl?

One or the other.

Mmm. You gonna be
crazy about old Ralph.

When we were in Korea together,

every guy in the air force would
go to him, when things got fouled up.

There's something I wanna
talk to him about.

It's not a job, actually.
It's more of a--

Of an opportunity.

One that'd set me up
for life.

We gonna stop off there
tomorrow.

You're rousing
my curiosity.

After I talk it over
with Ralph.

If I can only wait till tomorrow
to discuss the aspects with him.

My goodness. If
it's all that important,

we should just
drive all night

to high point,
Tennessee.

I'd like to,
but I don't know his wife.

To barge in on them
in the middle of the--

Oh, that would be
inconsiderate, wouldn't it?

Almost as inconsiderate

as driving all night
would be to me!

And you--and you don't
know me very well, either.

Or want to,
it looks like.

What's a matter
with you?

With me?!

Most men
in your position

would be thinking about
their brides right now,

not life opportunities
or anything else--

About if I was cold
or nervous or tired.

About finding
a nice place to stay.

I picked a place on the way
to Miami, Florida.

Most men on their wedding night would show
a little interest in that wedding night.

That's why I say if there's
something the matter with one of us,

George haverstick,
that one is not me.

Come on.

George, uh... I got
upset because--

I know. Get up. I thought
you just raring to go.

Go where?!

I am not gonna go
just anywhere.

I wouldn't dream

of taking you
just anywhere.

Hey, mister, can you--

Shh. Folks is sleeping.

I just want to know if--

Are we gonna
stay here?

216
in the morning.

You want us
to keep driving?

May I have my little blue
zipper bag, please, George?

Aah!

Ooh.

Not bad, huh? Or it
won't be once it's warm.

Looks clean anyway.

Come on in, little bit.
Stay awhile.

Whoa.

Skip. Skip!

Where's Mommy?

In the kitchen.

Don't do that, skip.

Skip. No. It's too
early in the morning.

Don't do that. Please.

Thank you, boy.

Still talking to me?

Alright, don't die.

You acted like anyone
with 5 double-martinis in him.

No better, no worse.

How's the head?

Guess.

Come on, have some
coffee. You'll feel better.

No, I won't. No.

If you'd holler at me, and tell
me I disgraced you at the party,

then I might feel better.

Gonna have to feel
better some other way.

Like, for instance...

For instance what?

Seeing daddy the minute
you get to the plant.

Apologizing.

Daddy doesn't feel well,
junior.

You go play somewhere
else like a good boy.

You got a stomach ache?

Mmm. Among other things.

Dotty, can't you get that
doll away from him? Huh?

Doesn't look nice
for a boy.

He's only 4 years old.

Well, that's none too soon to get
what he is firmly fixed in his mind.

And will you stop
calling him junior?

Please. As a personal favor.

Honey, I know you hate the
idea of apologizing to daddy.

You better brief
me on last night.

I wouldn't want to apologize

for something I
might've forgotten to say.

Oh, you didn't forget much.

You said you had battle fatigue

from listening to
him bore people.

Then when the others
said they weren't bored,

you said you had to
give him credit--daddy--

Because it took talent to
turn a whole roomful of people

into mealy-mouthed
hypocrites like himself.

You sure I was drunk?

Okay, okay. Anything else?

Oh, nevermind. Just
look on the bright side of it.

All you gotta do is
march into his office,

tell him you had too much
Christmas cheer and you

didn't mean a word.

That's the bright side, huh?

Just be honest
with him, ralphie.

You'll be surprised
how he responds.

You were drunk and
the truth came out!

I had no right
to say what I did.

Not at your party in your house.

That's what I'm apologizing for.

It's your attitude you
ought to apologize for--

Which I've had a bellyful
of. It ain't respectful.

I've never said a disrespectful
word to you in my life...

Till last night.

You've never said
a good word, either.

I give you a great
opportunity here,

which any other
young fella

would get down
on his knees for.

The same opportunity
my father-in-law,

the last president
of regal dairy, gave me.

Only I didn't sneer
at him.

I was grateful.

Like you ought
to be grateful.

For what? I earn
every penny I get here.

I earn a lot more
pennies than I get here.

Ah, so that's the gripe, is it?

The big w*r hero's all burned up

because he didn't get a
Christmas raise or promotion.

Well, let me tell you
something, young fella.

The way I'm beginning
to feel about you,

you're lucky
you still have a job.

Alight.

You told me.

Now, let me tell you.

Don't wanna
hear about it.

No, no. Oh,
but I wanna say it--

Just what I think
about this great job

and what you can do
with it.

And you let him?!

Why if you'd ever talked
that way to my daddy,

he'd have
horsewhipped you.

I am not criticizing,
Stuart.

I am just stating a fact.

Stuart.
Stuart, listen.

Stuart, you had better
take a bicarb.

I don't want to be up all
night with your stomach.

Well, your fine
husband has just...

Q-u-i-t his job.

Ralph?

Oh, no.

That man ought to be
grateful every day of his life

that your daddy took
him into the business.

B-But he acts like
he's done us the favor.

Treats you like a doormat,
a--a piece of furniture.

I think you ought
to find out

exactly where it is
that you stand.

Why...

Ralph is walking out
on regal dairy products,

not on me.

Once they start
walking out,

who knows what
they'll walk out on.

Well, girls,

what's new?

Hi, skippy boy.

I see you know
what's new.

I didn't know
I was gonna do it, baby.

I just got
carried away.

Hey, but I knew you'd
go along with me.

You--you didn't give me
a thought. Me or junior.

Honey--

You never do.

Please don't call him
junior.

I'll call him anything
I want.

I don't have to take orders
from you about what to call him!

Okay.

Then it's every man for himself.

And I'll start with that new
doll you so kindly bought him.

Hey, skippy boy.

I'm not biting my nails.

They're your nails.

You wanna bite them, bite them.

Hey, listen, skip, you
wanna know something?

Right this minute,
Santa claus is coming

with a lot of new
stuff for you. Boy stuff.

A reindeer. I asked him
in a department store.

Oh, uh, yeah, a reindeer
or a football.

A reindeer!

Well, that's up
to Santa claus, skip.

Anyway,
you won't be needing

this sissy junk anymore,
will you, hmm?

Nah.

My mother gave him
that doll!

Next time,
she'll know better.

Alright, dorothea,
let's go home.

Oh, no, I'm not
going home with you.

Not till I know
exactly where I stand.

What are you
talking about, honey?

You stand exactly where
you've always stood.

I'm just like a-- like
a doormat to you.

A piece of furniture
you're so used to

you don't even know it's there!

Let's go home, huh? I'll give
you all the hollering time you want,

but at our house, not
here in enemy territory.

"Enemy territory?!" This is
my parent's home and if you--

Aah!

Honey, is he alright?

You go away.

You get out of here, because
I'm never going home with you.

Dotty, you know
you don't mean that.

Don't tell me
what I mean.

I don't need you
to tell me what I mean.

When you stop being
hysterical, call me.

I'll come and get you.

Well, thank you,
high point supermarket.

Go ahead. Go on,
strongheart. You won't melt.

Go on, boy.

Go on.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, you don't, you slob.

Outside or nothing.

Yes?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah,
operator, this is him.

George?

Well, how are you? It's
about time you called back.

I got your message.
What you been up to?

I'm up to my neck in
troubles, buddy. I got hitched!

You got married?!
Well, I'll be...

Nothing great about it.
I wish I was back--

Hey, hey, hey.
Hold on, boy.

Hey, now, whoa, whoa.

Did you ever hear of a girl
acting like that?!

Now, you tell
the truth, man!

Son, this is all
perfectly natural.

You just going through
a period of adjustment.

A week and you'll
be laughing at yourself.

What do you mean
I'll be--

No, no, George.
I'm not laughing.

I said
you'd be laughing.

You just haul your
keister over here, okay?

Where are you now?

I am in hell, that's
where I am. I am in hell.

No, I mean
geographically, boy.

Fine, fine. Now, you
just keep right on it

till you get
to chancellorville.

Yeah.

$3.50, bud. All your
troubles are over.

Yeah.

George?

Hey, Ralph!

What'd you say, boy?!

Whoop. Hey, park it in the
driveway and hurry up, man!

I forgot my shoes.
I'll go get them.

I'd like my little blue
zipper bag, please, George.

Alright, but look, this guy is my
best friend, and it's Christmas Eve,

so would you try not to act
as if I've been torturing you?

But, George, you have
been torturing me.

Every minute
and every mile

of this so-called
honeymoon trip,

of which you have made
a sheer, unmitigated hell!

Oh! No, no, don't!

♪ Here comes the bride
all dressed in-- ♪

No! No, don't!

Oh, I never wanna see
rice again in my life--

Not uncooked, anyhow.

Well, it is a pain,
isn't it?

Oh, I--excuse me.

I'm Isabel crane,
Mr. Bates.

Why, I thought you married
that boy now.

Oh, I mean...

Mrs. George haverstick.

Oh, the driveway's
too steep.

What kinda car's
old George got there?

Looks like one of them
funeral coaches.

Mr. Bates, you have hit
the nail on the head

with the head
of the hammer.

It ought to be retired
with an old age pension.

That's a funny choice
for a honeymoon trip.

Oh, George knew
what he was doing.

He chose the proper
vehicle for the occasion.

Oh, I love Spanish-type
architecture.

Mission-type houses.

Oh, th-this is such
a...

I mean,
such a sweet house.

Well, how goes it,
honey?

Marriage in orbit?

everything is just...

Just fine.

George!

What is that man doing?

Why, that is every bag
I have...

Except my little
blue zipper bag,

which is all I wanted.

He--hey.

Hey, George!

Hey, George.

Hey, George,
where you going?!

Hey, Georgie!

Yo!

Geo--

Well...

Uh, he, uh...

He...

Just a little...

Well, uh...

He just--just got in
the car and drove off.

You're right.

He's deposited me on
your hands and driven away.

Yeah.

Oh, how funny.

Oh, isn't that funny?

Ha. Yeah. Yeah.

It's no surprise to me,
though.

All the way down here,
I had...

I had a feeling that the first chance he
got he would abandon me somewhere.

Oh, hey. Hey, now.
Now, look. Now, look.

I've known that boy
a long time,

and he's always been
sort of way out.

Never way out
that far.

You just thought
you knew him, Mr. Bates.

So did I, but I--I
married a stranger.

We all do that.

Uh, where is your wife?
Where is Mrs. Bates?

She's, uh, not here
right now.

Oh, I am such a fool.

Oh, why didn't
I know better?

Can you... Can
you answer me that?

Hey, hey, hey, now.

Come on now, honey. Now,
let's get over to the fire, huh?

Let's get that damp coat
off, huh?

That's it. Now, I'm sure
that boy's coming back.

I am now positive of it.

Uh, that's a cute little
suit you're wearing.

Were you married
in that?

Yes, I was married in
this little traveling suit.

Appropriately.

Well, now, you couldn't have
looked prettier in white satin.

Let's get those damp shoes
and stockings off, huh?

Come on.
Sit you right there.

That's it.

Oh, you have such a--

A sweet little house and
such a sweet little bar.

Yeah...
Everything's sweet here.

Where is your wife,
Mr. Bates?

Oh, she's not here
right now.

She's gonna be outraged.

You know, I told George
that Christmas Eve

was no time to intrude in
on a young, married couple.

Ah, you're not intruding
on a thing.

I did expect it, and
yet I didn't expect it.

Well, I mean,
it occurred to me.

The possibility of... Of his
abandoning me somewhere.

But I--I thought
I was just being morbid.

I've through a w*r with
that boy. I know him.

He'd never in a million
years ditch you like that--

Unless he's gone
of his rocker.

Well, George haverstick was
not a patient in neurological

at Belvedere hospital
in St. Louis

because
he was so normal.

That's where I met him.

I was a nurse.

Well, I'm still a nurse,
that is.

What was the matter
with him?

That is the mystery.

He shakes!

That's all.
He just shakes.

Oh, that's come back
on him, huh?

Hmm. He had it in Korea.

Oh, is that a car?

No, it isn't.

Anyway...

That's where I met him.

George.

George haverstick.

At Belvedere.

I had him
on the night shift.

My, didn't he keep me
running.

That little buzzer was
just never out of his hand.

Couldn't sleep
under sedation--

And I sent enough to
knock an elephant out--

Unless...

Unless I was there.

I was very touched
by him.

Honestly, I was very
touched by that boy.

He was...

Oh, he was so handsome
and so...

Afflicted.

So afflicted and...

So handsome.

I thought he sincerely
loved me.

And that I'd make him
happy.

Darn. I've caught
a head cold.

I guess it's fatigue...

Exhaustion.

Come on now.

You're going through
a little...

Period of adjustment.

That's all.

Why do you suppose

he took my little
blue zipper bag?

It had all
my night things in it.

Unless he intends to...

To pick up
a female companion.

Come on, Marge.

No!

Please?

No.

Please, Marge?

No!

Come on.

You know what's
the matter with you?

No.

You're a dope!

That's what you are!
A big dope!

Please, Margie.

Do you know, Mr. Bates,
George didn't bother telling me

till after the ceremony
that he quit his job?

Did you ever hear
of such a thing?

A man quitting his job
without telling his wife!

Ah, George is a high-strung
boy, I'll Grant you,

but they don't make them
any better.

Well, if they don't
make them any better

than George haverstick,

then they ought to stop
production.

I mean it.
I mean it.

If he is the best
they make them,

then I say
don't make them.

I told him the minute
I lost my job.

Oh? You quit, too?

Well, I was politely
dismissed.

My first day
in surgery...

I fainted.

When the doctor
made that incision,

and I saw that blood,
I keeled over.

That's understandable,
honey.

Not in a nurse, not in
a girl who has set her heart

on being
a Florence nightingale,

establishing clinics
in the upper Amazon

and working--oh!

What is that?!

Oh, it's nothing,
nothing.

The ground's
just settling a bit.

We get that
all the time here

because the suburb
of high point

is built over a great,
big underground cavern

and is gradually sinking
down into it

an inch or 2 inches
every year.

Yeah.

Now, you notice
those cracks...

Come on over
to the fire, honey.

Don't worry. That boy's
coming back I tell you.

He's coming right back.

Now...

Sorry I don't have
any eggnog.

Oh, that's alright.

I don't drink.

It's never too late
to begin.

Oops.

Oh, what is it?

Uh, Christmas cheer--

Which we both can use
a little of.

Well, I don't believe

nurses and doctors
should drink.

But I-I'm not part of the
profession anymore, am I?

So...

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, you're very kind,
Mr. Bates.

Very.

Where did you say
your wife was?

My wife quit me.

Yep, she walked out on me
when I told her I quit my job.

You're joking!

No woman would leave a man as
nice as you are for that kind of reason.

Well, I've got no beef. I guess I
got just what was coming to me--

Marrying a girl
who didn't attract me.

Well...

Mr. Bates.

D-Did you say your wife
didn't attract you?

Not in the beginning.

But I guess
I'm not the only man

that would marry
the only daughter

of an old millionaire

with diabetes,
gall stones,

and one kidney,
am I?

Hold on. I am convinced
there is no greater assurance

of longevity
in this world

than one kidney,

gall stones,
and diabetes.

That old man seems
to thrive on one kidney!

I'm sure your wife
was a lovely person.

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

Yeah.

Dotty's appearance has
improved considerably.

She's improved
all around.

When I first met her, she
was such a mess of complexes.

Probably from living under the
same roof as my father-in-law.

She would get
the violent shivers

whenever she came within touching
distance of a possible boyfriend.

Looks like we both
married into the shakes.

The night I met her.

The night I met her, I
thought I heard a noise

like castanets
in the distance.

I thought Spanish
dancers were coming on.

Then I noticed
her teeth.

She had buck teeth
at the time,

and it was them clashing
together uncontrollably.

Yeah, she had them
capped later on--

At my suggestion.

Before that, it was like
kissing a rock pile, I swear.

You are talking
out of hurt feelings,

hurt pride.

You know something?

You're a very sweet
little girl.

♪ It came upon ♪

♪ the midnight clear ♪

♪ that glorious ♪

♪ song of old ♪

♪ from angels ♪

♪ bending near the earth ♪

♪ to touch their harps
of gold ♪

Mr. Bates.

Yeah?

Mr. Bates, don't you think
I ought to go downtown

and check
into a hotel room?

♪ The world
in solemn stillness lay ♪

well, uh--

♪ ...the angels sing ♪

uh, I don't know, honey.

You get the things,
susie.

I'll wait here.

♪ With painful steps
so slow ♪

♪ look, now ♪

♪ for glad
and golden hours ♪

♪ come swiftly ♪

♪ on the wing ♪

♪ go rest beside ♪

♪ the weary road ♪

♪ and hear the angels
sing ♪

♪ for, lo, the days
are hastening on ♪

♪ by prophet bards
foretold ♪

♪ when with
the ever-circling years ♪

♪ comes 'round
the age of gold ♪

would you all like to come in
have something to warm you up?

Oh, no. I don't think so,
thank you just the same.

You're more than welcome
if you'd like to.

Well, maybe just one, huh?
Alright, come on.

Just one can't do us
no harm.

Even if George
does come back,

he shouldn't
find me here...

Like a checked package
waiting to be claimed.

'Cause once you've lost
your pride, what hav--

I told you!

Hey, come on in,
bridegroom.

That door ain't locked.

Ha! I told you.

Come on in, boy!
That door ain't locked.

Oh, susie.

Well, come on in.

Good evening, Mr. Bates.

Good evening.
What can I do for you?

They sent me over for
the child's Santa claus.

Oh, they did, did they?

Well, now,
you go right back,

and you tell my wife
and her folks

the child's Santa claus
is staying right here

till the child
comes for it!

That I won't be here
tomorrow,

but the child's
Santa claus'll be,

you got that, susie?

Yes, Mr. Bates.

Yeah, and I wish
a merry Christmas

to one and all,
susie!

Well, dig that,
will you?

Sending the maid
to get the kid's stuff.

How do you like that
for a fake?

They wanna know what
I'm up to.

They're confused because
I haven't come crawling!

They gonna be
more confused

when they hear I'm getting
out of here-- which I'm gonna do!

I knew it wasn't George.

Thing is,
I haven't got any cash.

I haven't a buck
in the world,

except what
I put into the...

What I put
into this house.

Susie,

what did he say?

Mr. Bates?

He said junior's stuff
is all under the tree,

and it'll be there tomorrow,
uh, but he won't be.

What do you mean?

What did he mean?

W-Was he packing?

Oh, no, ma'am,
he wasn't packing.

Mrs. Bates, we better be
getting back to the car, huh?

It's awful cold
out here, and I...

Smoke?

Hi, boy. How are you?

If that's some girl, I can use
both of you for help in the kitchen.

What's on your mind,
Ralph?

My bride-to-be's
giving me the needle.

You're leaving
for where?

Well, I mean, is Dotty
going with you?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, kid.

W-W-What?

They splitting up?

He's blowing town,
needs dough.

Says we can buy any of
their household stuff cheap.

Half down, and settle
the rest with Dotty later.

Poor guy.

Ask him what model
the washing machine is.

Look, Ralph, supposing I
talk it over with Cheryl Lynn

and call you back.

Well, no pressure, man.

Yeah. I'll be here
all night.

I'm fine, smoke.

Yeah.

I'm feeling no pain.

Thank you, boy.

Yep.

Well...

That's life for you.

I said that's life
for you.

Well...

What is life for us all?

Where do we come from?

Why?

And where, oh, where
are we going?

That's what
my philosophy professor

at baptist college
used to say.

I always thought

I'd have
a wonderful life--

Up until now.

Now, honey, look, you're
all tired out. You're bushed.

I tell you what...

You just go in there, and
you take Dotty's bed, lie down.

I'll watch the TV. Hmm?

You mean you know now that
George isn't coming back?

Mm-mmm. I know now that
Dotty's not coming back. Come on.

Oh, but, Mr. Bates,
even if she does,

I wouldn't want her to find
a stranger in her bedroom.

Finding a stranger in your
bedroom is far from being

the biggest surprise
of a lifetime.

Hey, Ralph-o!

Told you.

Now, I told you,
didn't I?

Come out here!
I got a surprise for you!

Hey, George!
Hey, boy! Ha ha!

Hey?! Hey, where are you,
boy?!

What? Hey, George,
where are you?!

Yee-hah-hah!

Oh, you--

Yeah, you--oh!

Oh, you Texas
Jack rabbit, man.

You know how long
it's been?

How's
the dirty old man?

Get him, living in the
suburbs like a citizen.

Chowder head.

Your wife thought
you deserted her.

Yeah, well--ahem.

Come on, let's see that ugly
mug of yours under a light.

George: YOU'RE LOSING
THE BATTLE, FELLA.

Well, same to you
in spades!

I'm not that bad.

Still got
the old jacket on?

Got my bars, too,
soldier.

Nice place you got here!

Got that settled-down look,
you poor slob.

Where's your wife?
She know I was coming, take a powder?

Pretty close, kid.

She up and quit me
this morning.

Don't fret, dad, unless
you've lost your touch

she'll be back
with bells on.

Well,
how about a drink?

Ever hear me say no?

No.
Like some scotch?

Beer's fine.

One beer coming up
for the boy.

Didn't you have
a kid?

The presents
under the tree

might give you
a clue, George.

She's already made him a sissy.

They'll do it
every time.

She'll be back tomorrow
at the latest.

Well, let her.

I won't be here.

Well, then come on
along with us.

We're free in the
breeze, right, little bit?

I'm thrilled that you're asking my
opinion, George, which is to not interfere

in something about which
you know nothing about.

Catch the first plane
west.

Go to the car, get my
little blue zipper bag?

Will you please get
my little blue zipper bag?

Please?

You know what I had
in mind?

George?

Hong Kong.

Miss lotus blossom
in the pavilion of joy.

I never had it so good,
least not since.

George?

Alright,
I'll get it myself!

I'll go out
and get it myself!

Boy, you and me got
a lot to talk over.

Leaving.

Ooh!

I didn't know
you were born in a barn!

I didn't know a lot
about you, either!

Mr. Bates...

The gentleman
that I married,

refuses to get my little
blue zipper bag out of the car

or even to unlock the
door, so I can get it myself.

Isabel, what's
the matter with you?

All you had to do
was ask.

George, may I speak to
you alone for a moment?

Please?!

Go on.
Come on. Go on.

Well, what is it?

What is it?!

I might as well
not even be present

for all the attention
I've been paid

since this tender
reunion started.

Aren't you being just
a little unreasonable?

Is it unreasonable to want to
be treated as if I lived, existed?!

Is this ignoring me any
basis for a happy marriage?

What about my sleeping in a
chair all night, is that a good basis?!

You slept there because you were
too drunk to get out of that chair!

After bullying me
all day long

and then dragging me off
to the old man river motel.

That--that pavilion of joy!

899
in the morning!

I couldn't find
anything else!

Cigarettes and lipstick
all in the ashtray.

And you standing there
stark, staring naked

like a savage,
yelling--yelling,

"take your clothes off
before I rip them off!"

Shh. Will you
simmer down?

We're not alone,
you know?

You're all going through

a perfectly natural
little period of adjustment.

That's all.

You see, I told her
that there was noth--

What?! Oh. You!
You been talking!

Well, what do you think
we been doing, George,

while you've been gone in
that instrument of t*rture

you have for a car?!

Just an adjustment
period that needs--

Adjustment to what,
Mr. Bates, humiliation?

No, thank you!

Why, Mr. Bates, could I ask you
one last favor?

Could I take a hot shower
in your sweet little bathroom

before I go downtown
and check into a hotel?

Because I'm feeling very--

I'm not going downtown!

I'm not checking in
to any hotel!

Why, George,

you can do whatever
you want.

I am checking in
at a hotel!

Hey, hey. No, no.
Wait a minute. Wait now.

Let her go, Ralph!

You're wasting
your breath!

Yeah,

and I'm squandering
your beer.

George...

George, if you will
have the decency

to go out
into the car

and get my little
blue zipper bag--

Which I doubt--

I will give you
a tranquilizer.

Get out of my sight.
I'll get tranquil so fast,

it'll make your head swim.

Go on, get under
your hot shower--

Won't do anything for you. 100
showers wouldn't warm you up!

1,000 hot showers!

If you'd just give each
other a little smile--

You are a coarse person,
George.

Very coarse.

I only wish you'd given me

a hint of your
true nature before we--

Why didn't you give me
your true nature?!

Did I disguise
my nature?

You sure did!

You didn't put
the freeze on me

at Belvedere
general hospital.

She was my night nurse

at Belvedere
general hospital,

and used to give me
alcohol rubdowns at bedtime.

How can you be so crude?

She stroked
and petted on me

like she had on a pair
of silk gloves.

It was my job!
I had to!

She had--

Remember those dolls in Korea
used to wear silk gloves?

Well, she could have
given them lessons.

I did not touch your body,
except as a nurse...

Hired to do it!

I did not touch
your big, old...

Lecherous body!

How do you give me
a rubdown

without touching
on my body?

Now, kids. Kids, look...

...without touching
a part of their body?

He's making out
I seduced him

while I was
his nurse!

No, I didn't say that!
No, I just said...

Look, go on in there.

Say a few tender,
loving words to her, huh?

No. How can I? Not when
I don't know what's eating her.

Go get her bag.

I want my daddy!

You wanna hear
that all night?

Go on.

Hey.

Hey, come on now, hmm?

Now, we don't wanna
do that, do we?

It...

It isn't that I'm prudish,
Mr. Bates.

It's just...

It's just that...

Most men think...

Think that girls
in the nursing profession

are shockproof.

And I'm not.

Do you always
say mister to men?

Yes, I do...

Till I know them.

I wish you'd say
Ralph to me

like you knew me.

Let me tell you
something about George.

It's gonna surprise you.

Oh, nothing could
surprise me, Mr. Bates.

You saw him out there.
You--you observed him.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now, I observed
him through a whole w*r--

At which there is no
better place to observe.

You see--you see to him,

most guys
in the army talk.

You'd think they were
wild bulls to women--

Spare them no mercy.

And George
was no exception.

Only according
to his story,

he was the wildest
wild bull of them all.

Yes.

But quite a few dolls
in Hong Kong and Korea,

they tell
a different story.

You know what he'd do
in those, uh,

uh, teahouses?

Yeah, I can imagine.

Hup. You're wrong. See?
You're wrong.

He was sorry
for those girls.

He'd sit up there on
a pillow drinking rice wine

and teaching them
English.

Then he'd come down
and shout

"oh, man. Oh, brother,"

like he laid them
to waste.

Well, that certainly
was not his behavior

at the old man
river motel.

Hey, come on now, baby.

Ralph, you know,

there is such
a tender atmosphere

in your little house.

Especially in this
little bedroom.

You know, I mean,
you can almost breathe

the tender atmosph--aah!

Geo--

Hey, George,
what are you--

What are you doing
out there, boy?

What's this heart-to-heart talk
going on here?

George!

Now, what's
a matter?

All my perfume's
in that bag.

A $25 bottle
of vol-de-nuit.

Oh, thank heaven
for Mr. Bates.

Yeah, he's a doll.

Come on, doll,
let's have a drink.

It's possible

that Mr. Bates enjoys
talking to me, George!

It is just possible!

Now, now, honey.

Honey, don't worry
about anything.

You just freshen up
in there. I'll talk to him.

Well?

Boy, you sure did
something to shock her.

That's the truth.

I tried to sleep
with her. Oh-ho, boy.

I mean, I never had a woman
put the freeze on me before.

I know. You've just had
used women up till now.

This one's unused.

That makes a problem
comes her wedding night,

don't you under--

Yeah, well,
she can stay unused

as far as I'm concerned.

Now, look, George, that's a nice
little girl in there.

If you quit hollering,
give her a squeeze--

Forget it, Ralph!

Boy, that kid of yours
sure has it made.

I mean, this is very
high-class loot.

Hey, what's this, Ralph?

It's a rocket launcher.

Army's gonna start
making it next month, I hear.

Yeah.

Well, I'd like
a little girl.

Little girls are just
naturally crazy

about their daddies.

You don't have to do
anything...

Prove anything,

you know?

Hey, football!

Ralph! Hup.
Here, boy.

I'm in the end zone.

Here you go!

Hit me! Whoo!

Ow. Oof.

Getting
out of shape.

I know my kid likes me,
and I like him.

That's why I don't
like to see them

making him a sissy.

Scared the kids
will laugh at him,

and he'll get hurt.

Things are really
on the skids, huh?

Well...

When you marry a woman
the way I did Dotty--

For her old man's
dough--

You have committed
the act of a louse, boy.

You'll never forget it.

No kidding?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Dotty doesn't know it.

I've worked damn hard
to keep her from knowing.

On account of her...

Caring about me.

But fact is,
she doesn't anymore...

Or she would've stuck by me
when I quit.

She'd be here right now
asking me not to go away,

wouldn't she?

If he cared anything
about you,

why isn't he here now
begging you to come back?

You heard that girl, that
Cheryl Lynn. Believe me,

we're lucky she's such
a big-mouth, busybody

she had to break
the news.

Is Ralph bates
pining away about you?

No, he's selling
your things.

Trying to raise cash
so he can get away fast.

I still can't believe it.
After all he's done to me,

trying to sneak away
like a thief.

If you ask me,
he's moving too fast.

It's fishy.

Dotty...

The wife is always
the last to know,

but have you got
any reason

to suspect
there's another woman?

There's no other woman.
That ain't the problem.

That isn't the problem.

Damn right.

The only problem is

I shouldn't have let Dotty
marry him in the first place.

I blame myself.

Forget about him,
honey.

You don't need him
anymore.

You've got
the boy now.

You've got me--

Us--

That care about you.

That man don't love
you, and you know it!

I can imagine nothing worse than living
with a person you know doesn't love you.

It might be even worse
for the other person.

I just thought...

I'm tired.

I think I'll go to bed.

Dotty.

Ralph, you serious
about cutting out of here?

Then come on along
to Texas.

Pick us up a piece of ranchland
and raise a herd of cattle.

What, are you
out of your m--

Don't you
look pretty.

I feel much better.
Refreshed.

George?

How do you feel?

How do I--yeah.

Well... uh...

I--I better c-call and...

And get myself a
hotel room... Hadn't I?

I told you, Ralph,
let her go!

Oh, no, Mr. Bowers!

No, no! Don't sell me
to her! Uh-uh.

Ralph thinks if I--
if I seduce you,

the way you claim
I already did at Belvedere--

That all our problems
would be over.

Now, honey,
I didn't say--

No. I don't think
that sex solves anything.

How would you know?

Any more than
liquor does.

She doesn't drink,
either.

I don't think
the functions of a wife

should be confused with
the sort of women available

in the army camps
in occupied territories.

She means hookers. She
knows all about them, too.

Can't you two stop
murdering each other, huh?

I guess not.

I... I guess we're
just opposite types.

Yep... opposite types.

I want to call
my daddy.

Mr. Bates--
oh, uh, Ralph,

can I call my father...
Uh, collect?

Sure, sure,
honey,

but why upset the old
man Christmas Eve?

Oh! Oh, I won't!

I just want to tell him that--
that I love him...

And I miss him.

Go on! go on!
And I'll pay for it!

I'd like to call
sweetwater, Texas, 07...

That girl needs you.
Now, go on. Be nice to her.

Why? She hasn't got the
incurable shakes. I have.

Oh, I--I just hope I can
stop crying for daddy's sake.

Oh, yes, operator,
I'll--what?

Daddy!

Oh! Oh, precious daddy!

I can't--can't talk!

I can't talk!

I can't talk!

I can't talk!

Hi, pop!
Merry Christmas!

No, no. This isn't George.
This is a buddy of his.

Uh, Isabel wants to tell
you how happy she is,

but she's just broke up
with emotion.

Well, you know how
it is, pop. Newlyweds.

They're just naturally
full of emotion, yeah.

They gotta go through this little
period of adjustment between them.

Oh, fine!
Yeah, yeah, she's fine.

She'll talk to you as soon as
she blows her nose. Uh-huh.

Honey, honey, your daddy
wants to talk to you. Now, go on.

Da-aa-aah!

Pop! Uh, listen, now,
you talk to her, pop.

She's too shook up
to talk back. Uh-huh.

Honey, honey,
come on, now.

Come on, now.

Daddy?

how are you, daddy?

Oh, that's wonderful!

I'm fine, too.

Uh-huh. Yes,
I got married yesterday.

Yesterday.

Oh. Uh, how's mom?

Just the same?

Oh. Daddy?

I may be
seeing you soon.

No, I gave up my nursing job
when I got married...

So I have
lots of free time now.

And I miss you so much,
daddy.

I--i just may suddenly
pop in on you.

Tomorrow!

Merry Christmas...

Uh... daddy!

Oh, what a sweet
little animal!

Oh, Ralph, what is
this little animal's name?

The animal is a dog!

I know
it's a dog!

Why don't you
call it a dog?!

Its name is bessie.

You wanna go for
a little walk with me?

Oh, Ralph,
it says yes.

Yeah? It must be desperate if
it's willing to go out in the snow.

You always did
want a dog.

I still do.

Bessie has to sleep
with a night-light on

being afraid
of the dark.

Come on, boy.
Let's go, strong heart.

Uh, my coat.

Uh, coat.

Hello, little doggy.

Oh, yes...

Wait a minute.

Wee, wee,
wee, wee.

Oh, you're such a sweet thing.
Yes, you are.

Oh, what a beautiful
sheared beaver.

Is that your wife's
Christmas present?

It was.

Here. Here, put it on.
Put it on.

Oh, well,
I couldn't wear it.

Not in the snow!

Why not? Some beaver did.
Come on.

Yes, that's right.

Oh, bessie.

Come on, honey.

Oh, come on.

If you pass any other dogs,
don't stop.

It's afraid of dogs,
too.

Hey, why don't you go catch up with
her, huh? Put your arm around her--

What's the use, Ralph?
You heard her. We're opposite types.

No. Son, any two people are
opposite types, especially a woman.

Forget it, Ralph.

My mind's on something

that cattle ranch
in San antone.

Come on, Ralph,
what do you think?

What'll we use
for money?

What'll we use
for money?

Any bank in west Texas.

See, my folks staked
out west Texas.

The name of the first
George haverstick

is engraved
on the memorial

to the alamo heroes
in San antone.

I mean, there is no
better credit card in Texas

than an ancestor's name
on that memorial...

Plus my Cadillac
limousine.

There's no Ralph bates
on that alamo memorial.

Ralph, you were a hero
of the last w*r.

Who remembers
the last w*r, man?

They're too busy
on the next one.

Anyway, why cattle?

The Texas longhorn
isn't just cattle.

It's a...
A dignified beast.

Son, the Texas longhorn
is not only dignified,

it is practically
obsolete, boy.

Man, it is historical.

I mean, you don't raise it just for--
for a pot roast.

Then what do we
raise it for? Kicks?

Ralph, you got TV,
right?

Mm-hmm. I got TV, boy,
and it's got me.

There!

A western even
on Christmas Eve.

Why, it's
a national obsession.

But, Ralph,
you know what I see,

outside
that camera range?

A big ol' painted sign
that says,

"the haverstick
bates ranch.

We breed cattle
for TV westerns."

We get rich, Ralph,
and we'll live like men.

Under the dignified sky
of west Texas.

Yes, and there is
dignity in that sky.

And in the...

In the pastoral way
of existence,

a dignity that's
too long lost.

That's what
I'm after.

I want to be dignified,
too, George, honest.

Ha ha ha!

I just don't want to cross
a pasture one fine morning

and catch me a keisterful
of Texas longhorn.

That wouldn't
be dignified.

Shut up!

You shut up!

You TV-watching,
canned-beer-drinking,

Spanish-
suburban-type jerk.

I wish I'd
never come here...

'Cause I cherished
the memory of you,

and when you opened
that door--

When you opened that door, I
saw a travesty on that memory,

a negative,
middle-aged square lost--

Hey, hey!
What do you think I saw?

A young man I used to know
with an old man's affliction,

that's what I saw.

Thank you.

I sure do
appreciate that.

Oh, man,
oh, brother.

I sure do
appreciate that.

Something else happened
to you, old buddy!

You turned vicious.

♪ ...Let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our savior
was born on Christmas day ♪

♪ to save us all
from Satan's power ♪

♪ when we were gone astray ♪

♪ o tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy ♪

♪ o tidings
of comfort and joy ♪

♪ in Bethlehem in jewry
this blessed babe was born ♪

♪ and laid within a manger
upon this holy morn ♪

Hey, George.

Hey.
Come on, buddy.

Boy, to ridicule an affliction
like mine, you know that's vicious.

You ridicule
my affliction.

What affliction?

I live in a Spanish-type
stucco cottage

in a high point
over a cavern.

That is
an affliction, boy.

Somewhere the dream...
Or the...

Oh, man.

Oh, I wish I could be the
first man on the moon...

Or Mars or Venus.

Transported
and transplanted,

the Adam on a star
in a different galaxy.

It's wonderful knowing that such
a thing is no longer inconceivable.

Boy, you're talking
out of character, dad.

You're a dedicated conformist,
the square's square,

the most earthbound
earthman on earth.

Well, if you think that,
you don't know me.

♪ ...Comfort and joy ♪

That was mighty fine,
gentlemen, mighty fine.

Why don't you'll come
and have a little drink?

I don't think
we do that.

C'mon,
it's cold out.

Well, what do
you say, just one?

Remember,
just one, now.

You twisted my arm.

How about you,
little lady?

No, thank you.
I don't drink.

I'm sorry.

But merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas
to you.

Merry Christmas.

Hope your wife
doesn't get lost.

That doggy knows
the way home.

If you think that, you
don't know the dog either.

You see, Ralph? Ralph?

You see, you chose
your affliction,

married into them,
so to speak.

Mine just come on me,
my shakes.

But I guess you wouldn't
be interested

in the awful implications
of an affliction like mine.

Sure I'm
interested, George.

Well, suppose
it never lets up.

I mean, suppose I shake
all my life.

I mean, at all moments
of crisis.

And besides careerwise,
there are other aspects of my life

that it could affect...

Like... my love life.

Aw, now, was that it?

Was what what?

Was that the problem
between you and her?

You were scared the shakes
might affect your love life

so you mightn't
make the scene?

Was that--
was that the problem?

No! I don't have
that problem.

I never had
that problem.

No?

No!

Why, do you have
that problem?

Sure.
Every now and then.

Well, not me!

You know me, old
built-in eveready battery.

Yeah. I understand.

Don't you be so damn
understanding, Ralph!

Hey, there's a bottle of
champagne in the refrigerator.

Let's break it open.

Come on, boy.
Come on, boy.

Well, you are a square,
but a decent square.

♪ Bless 'em all ♪

♪ The long and the short
and the tall ♪

♪ and the tall ♪

♪ bless all the blondies
and the brunettes ♪

♪ each lad is happy
to take what he gets ♪

♪ oh, bless 'em all ♪

hey!
Ha!

And they--and they called her
miss dora shaking-chin

from that day on.

Ha ha ha!

Well, old dora didn't shake
any more than I did that day,

not that I wasn't scared every
day in Korea, like everybody else.

I wasn't.

Come on, old buddy.

I was not scared
in Korea.

George, now, when are you and
a million other guys in this country

going to
get over the idea

that a real he-man
is a big, loudmouth ape?

Gnashing his teeth at the
world, looking for a fight?

In other words, when are you
gonna stop playing Superman, boy?

It sure ain't
doing you any good.

Like the way you act
with your wife.

Maybe that's
what's wrong.

I don't want to talk
about my wife!

Well, you better
talk about her, boy.

You better give it
some thought, now,

or you're gonna end up
George haverstick the last...

Obsolete.

Man, a woman is a
human being, just like us.

A vulnerable creature that
needs kindness and tenderness,

just like us.

Maybe you need it,
but, uh, I don't.

You need it, son. You just
think Superman shouldn't.

I know what went wrong between
you two as if I saw it all on TV.

Oh, you're the expert, huh?
The headshrinker.

Alright, now, listen.
Now, listen to me.

Now, look, now.

There she is, right?
A new bride.

She's nervous,
and she's scared,

turning to you for that kindness
and tenderness we just talked about,

but you're 10 times
as scared as she is.

Scared? What do you mean
scared? Scared of what?

The same thing
you've been scared of

that someone's gonna find
out you're not the biggest

or the toughest or the best or
even the greatest lover of all time,

the one with the built-in
eveready battery, which no one is.

Maybe you're not,
my friend,

but on that
particular subject,

everybody's got to
speak for himself.

Oh, now, come on, now.

Now, you know I can
speak for you, friend.

I sat through enough
bull sessions in Korea

listening to you swap lies

how many, how often,
how great.

Only then you'd go upstairs and
sit on straw mats with those dolls,

drinking rice wine
and teaching them English.

Which one of them
told you that?

Which one? Every one.

You just sat up there drinking sake
and teaching them English until--

Ralph, I ought
to bust you one!

Why?

Man. I'm trying to help you.
Don't you know that?

You're not
a "cash on the line,

I'll pay for it,
take it" guy.

That's all.

It's nothing to be
ashamed of, George.

Ralph?

Yeah?

I never told you
back there, but...

Well, you see, I had me
this little girl on the side.

Aw, no, man.

Look, now, you don't
have to fabricate

some kind of sign or
a fantasy just for me.

What about
big Springs, Texas?

I mean, you never got
anywhere with those chicks

until I fixed you up.
Admit it, go on!

Now, don't get sore.
Don't get sore.

Sure, women like you. Everybody
likes you. Don't you know that?

I like you.

That's why I don't like to see
you shaking yourself to pieces.

And I got a hunch this very subject
is what's causing your shakes, boy.

The doctors at the
Belvedere general hospital,

they don't know what
makes me shake, but you do?

I know one thing. I know
any guy that goes through life

telling himself and
everybody else he's Superman,

boy, has got to shake.

'Cause there is
no Superman.

He's just a character in the
funny papers. That's all, George.

And you're better than
that, boy. You're real.

It's alright to have
needs and weaknesses.

You was scared
in the w*r.

It isn't a limousine, man.
It's a hearse.

You do need tenderness.

Now, if you'll admit it,
you can get it.

You weren't Superman when
that girl fell in love with you.

You were flat on your
back, boy, with the shakes.

Let's talk about the ranch.

Oh, no, no, man. Let's
talk about marriage.

No! Now, I don't want
a lecture on marriage

from a man spending Christmas
Eve with a cocker spaniel dog!

Hey.

The dog is back.
How come?

Doggy just come back,
that's all.

Oh, brother!

Oh, boy!

Is she out there,
boy?

I brought the dog back.

Uh, we... We...

You were awful quiet
in there, honey.

Oh, well, I was freshening up
in your sweet little bathroom.

Well, you... You still want me
to get that hotel room for you?

Hey, now, come on.
Never mind that, now, huh?

Now, what we need
is a little food.

Now, why don't we just
go on down and...

Shh.

Shh.

My in-laws.

May their tribe decrease.

Get the things out of the
kitchen and put them in the car.

Watch out you don't slip.

This is bates' driveway. If she
slips, she can sue. I'll help her.

Oh, I'm glad they came.

Let's have it out
in the open.

Cards right
on the table.

Why don't I go to
the kitchen?

Will you just get in here while I
get through with this hassle? Huh?

You just get under his bed.

They want trouble,
they're gonna get trouble!

Why don't you calm
down, take it easy!

Relax, boy! Relax.
Just sit there.

Just sit there and relax.
Just keep calm. Relax, boy.

That's it.

Let them wait.
Cool their heels.

Maybe he'll get
a stroke.

What's that hearse
doing here?

I hope to god
it's come for Ralph bates.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Mac.
What a surprise.

We've come to pick up
Dotty's things.

Uh, well, that's okay.

You bet it's okay,
w*r hero.

But I'll tell you

soliciting cash offers for
my daughter's possessions!

All I did was call
smokey Anderson--

We know what you did, w*r hero.

Look, I told you a million times,
now, don't call me w*r hero.

Why? Isn't that
what you were?

George: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT
HE WAS.

I've flown over 70 missions
in Korea with this boy.

Who is this?

That's an old buddy
of mine--

George haverstick.

The fifth.

Oh, yeah.
The old w*r buddy.

Alice: STUART, I'll GET CLOTHES
WHILE SUSIE DOES THE KITCHEN.

Her clothes, fine, but don't touch
anything that belongs to us both.

Such as what?

We gave Dotty her
silver, her mixmaster,

her TV last
Christmas, everything,

and we're taking
them back.

What do you say
to that, w*r hero?

How does
dorothea feel about this?

Sick! That's
how she feels. Sick!

I believe you.
I believe you.

She got many a fault
she got from you two,

but--but she's not cheap,
boy, she's not--

Take it easy, Ralph. Take it easy.
Don't blow a gasket!

Aah! aah!

Stuart, there's a woman
in Dotty's bedroom.

That's my wife!

Yeah, yeah.
That's George's wife!

How long have you
been planning this?

How...

I'm Mrs.
George haverstick.

You probably met
my husband inside.

Well, if he's a friend
of Ralph bates, watch out.

Why?

Birds of a feather.

I don't like
to intrude, but...

Don't you think
young people

should work out
their own problems?

Mrs. Whatever your name is, you
have no conception of the situation.

Furthermore, if you married a
friend of my daughter's husband,

you have
your own problems.

Tell me, is he living
on his w*r record, too?

No, Mrs.
whatever your name is!

My husband is not
living on his w*r record,

which was distinguished

and which left him with
a nervous disability...

Which he'd have
every right to live on

if he were that kind,
which he is not!

And while I was brought up
to be polite to old people,

I'm not gonna stand by and have
you say things about my husband

that are... Uncalled for!

I better make
that coffee.

You fellas are living
pretty high on the hog.

Champagne and blondes, huh?

Hey, buddy, that
happens to be my wife!

Consider the source, boy,
just consider the source.

I'll drop him!

Better watch the way
you act, Mac.

You're not at home
now, you know.

Tell me something, bates.

Why do you feel
so stinking superior to me?

Aw, did you notice
that?

You've always acted superior
to me for some unknown reason.

I'd like to know
what it is.

I'll answer that
question, Ralph.

He feels superior to you
because you are a big male cow.

You young punk!

A big spiritual
male cow!

Shut up, George, huh?
Just shut up!

Now let me ask you
a question, Mac.

If you fail to see anything
so special about me,

why did you ask me
to marry your daughter?

Did what? Did what?
I never--

Now, wait a minute! You
didn't suggest I marry Dotty?

Stuart, you didn't!

I have no such
recollection!

I remember I gave you
a fatherly talk once.

When you wanted
to quit your job

because you said the work
was monotonous,

and I told you monotony
was a big part of life,

that I had my eye on you,
which I did at that time.

You don't remember the rest of it?

Saying you were
living on borrowed time

because of diabetes
and so forth?

And that Dotty
was interested in me

and that
the man she married

would be heir to your
throne at regal dairy

and its subsidiaries,

such as royal ice cream
and monarch cheese,

when you departed
from this earth?

Which is still
a coming attraction.

I admit I offered you
a great opportunity...

Which you spit on by your
disrespect, by your misbehav--

Wait a minute, now!
I respect dorothea!

I always did,
and I always will.

And I married her
and provided her

with an offspring--
a male one.

It started
out a male one.

I can't help it if she's
turning him into a sissy!

Stuart, what
does he mean?

I mean I married her and
provided her with an offspring.

Stuart,
what is he saying?

That he had the baby,
not Dotty?

Why don't they just stop shouting
and talk things over reasonably?

That's too much to ask
of some people.

Stuart:
...A BUM LIKE YOU!

Ralph: DON'T
CALL ME THAT!

What are you?
You could've had the moon from me

if you'd played me right,
now I'm through!

Alice,
you got the things?

Dorothea's clothes,
but there's still the appliances.

Which you're
not taking.

And the child's
Christmas.

Which you're
not taking.

And the--

What's this?

A fur coat?

Mm-hmm. That is a sheared
beaver fur coat which cost 700 bucks,

which I bought Dotty
for Christmas,

and which you are
also not taking.

Just where'd you get
700 bucks?

From my savings
account, that's just where.

That's
a joint account.

Stuart...
Pick up that coat.

If he touches that
coat, I'll clobber him,

and I never hit
an old man yet.

Stuart...

Pick up that coat.

Officer! Officer!

Well, no kidding!

♪ Joy to the world,
the lord is come ♪

officer!

♪ Let earth
receive her king ♪

♪ let every heart
prepare him room ♪

♪ and heaven
and nature sing ♪

♪ and heaven
and nature sing ♪

♪ and heaven, and heaven
and nature sing ♪

go away, for--

Go! Go away!

♪ The savior reigns ♪

♪ let men
their songs employ ♪

♪ while fields and
floods, rocks... ♪

Merry Christmas.
Something's burning.

Oh, the coffee!

Well, officer, the
situation is cut and dried.

I just wanna remove
my daughter's valuables

before this young fella
can sell them and skip town.

Well, if he does,
I'll clobber him.

So maybe you better arrest me,
if he's got grounds.

I've got grounds!
Don't you worry I ain't got grounds!

Well, I don't
know about that.

You don't have to know.
I'll tell you!

The police chief's
a lodge brother of mine!

Officer,
do your duty, hmm?

Stuart, Ralph's face is still
temporarily associated with our name,

which I would prefer should not
be smirched with sordid publicity.

Think, Stuart.
Can't this policeman just restrain him,

or whatever it is
you do?

No!

Good for you!
If you're gonna do it, do it right.

Only do it real right--
make it stick.

Come be a witness, pal.
This concerns you.

We might just get the cash for
that ranch from Stuart P. McGill

For false arrest, damaging
my position in the community,

et cetera, et cetera.

You left out
libel and slander.

Okay, chief,
I'll do that.

Well, it's pretty quiet,
but it's a little early yet.

Yeah. Yeah?

You have one for
me, too, you hear?

He tell you he was a
lodge brother of mine?

He sure did.
He sent you, uh...

Fraternal greetings,
I think it was.

That all he said?

Um... no.

He said I should proceed
with utmost caution

on account of
Mr. Bates here

being such a
well-known w*r hero.

Now, uh...
The way I read it,

you're accusing Mr. Bates
of... What was it again?

Attempted embezzlement!

Attempted, uh...

Now, I don't think I ever
heard of that particular charge.

A man embezzles or he
don't embezzle, you know?

He was about to embezzle
my daughter's valuables,

such as electrical
appliances, objets d'art---

art objects, that is--

And lord knows
what else. A TV set--

Which we gave my daughter
last Christmas, not him,

and which we have every
right to remove from that house!

You wanna take back
old Christmas presents?

To remove them to a place
of safety so he can't sell 'em

and skip town with the money.

Half the money.

The only one who can charge
Mr. Bates with attempted embezzlement

of your daughter's alleged
valuables is your daughter.

We're her parents!
We can speak for her!

That don't count.

If being a mother
doesn't count,

I don't know what
the south is coming to.

Sorry. The best thing to do
is to get your daughter here.

I don't want you
to do that.

Why not?

I bet she does not know
what her parents are doing!

Who are you, ma'am?

Oh... I-I-I'm
sort of a friend.

Of whose?

Of Mr. Bates.
We both are.

I'm a friend of
Mrs. Bates, too.

My daughter never met
that woman in her life.

I'm a friend of hers
all the same!

Why, that's nice.

Does she know about all this--
your daughter?

Well, uh... That's
beside the point!

To tell the truth,
I was just curious.

You and me,
sergeant.

There's one way to find out.
What's the phone number?

Heads are gonna roll!

♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly ♪

Hide it.

He'll forget it if
he doesn't see it.

I'll wait outside so they
won't honk or ring the bell.

Miss Dotty...

A little lipstick
wouldn't hurt.

It won't help,
either.

♪ Was to
certain poor shepherds ♪

♪ In fields as they lay ♪

♪ in fields as they... ♪

Sergeant says take
these nightingales home.

Okay.

Miss bates?

Come with me,
ma'am.

♪ ...that was so deep ♪

♪ Noel, Noel ♪

Okay, okay... please come!

We're goin' home
together!

We're goin' in one car
'cause that's togetherness.

Hey, Ralph...
That your wife?

It's Stuart P.
McGill's daughter.

Sergeant, I just
wanna have this--

One minute, miss,
please. Mr. Bates?

I'm about to ask miss
bates if she wants

to charge you with attempted
embezzlement of her valuables...

If there is such a charge,
which, like I said before--

It doesn't matter if
there is or isn't, sergeant.

My husband and I are
going to be divorced,

and property things will have
to be settled one way or another.

But he has the right to dispose
of anything that belongs to me

because it belongs
to him, too.

You got to consider
your legal position--

You just be quiet,
daddy!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself--

Humiliating the whole
family this way!

He threatened to clobber
me. You know that?

I got tired of his trying
to push me around.

I have no sympathy
for you, Ralph.

He pushes you around
'cause you hurt his feelings--

letting him know you don't like
him. You could've keep it to yourself.

Nothing in this world matters
to me than him liking me!

Daddy, don't you
say another word...

Except apologizing to the
sergeant for wasting his time.

Oh, that's alright. Now
look, folks, it's Christmas.

Why don't you forget the
whole thing and go home?

You bring up a child, you spare no
expense, and this is what you get!

♪ Peace on earth
and mercy mild ♪

♪ god and sinners
reconciled ♪

I'm just happy that my
forebears and my daddy

are not here to
witness this disgrace,

or to see the kind
of person your daddy

has let
into this family.

Listen,
Scarlett O'Hara,

if by your forebears you mean
your carpetbaggin' grandpa,

jail was no novelty
to him.

And as for your daddy,
he let me into this family,

for which privilege I had to kiss
his big--toe every day of his life.

At least I'll say this

he never kissed mine.

Stuart, I will never
speak to you again

as long as I live,
I promise you.

Don't worry, mama. I won't
hold you to that. Not this time.

You coming, Dotty?

Not just yet.

I want to talk to Ralph
about the baby's Christmas.

You go on ahead.
I'll be home after a bit.

Dorothea, I am not sure you
should have anything at all to--

I don't care what's
happened between us, Ralph.

That child is going
to have his Christmas.

Send him in a taxi
tomorrow, and he can have it.

No. He's going
to see his presents

first thing in the morning
when he opens his eyes.

He won't understand
anything else.

Oh, you can
explain it to him.

You don't explain Christmas
to a child. It's got to be there.

Isabel haverstick,
Mrs. Bates.

And this is my husband,
George haverstick.

George...

George haverstick?

Oh, of course!

Ralph talks
about you all the time!

And now there's
a Mrs. Haverstick!

Well!

Since--
since yesterday.

Isn't that lovely!

Well, I... Are you...

Are you staying in town?

They're staying
at our house

where they've been up to
their necks in our troubles,

so we don't have
to make social talk.

If you wanna come,
you can get skippy's stuff.

I'll drive you to your
folks. Where'd you park?

Down the street. We
all came in my car.

We--we didn't mean
to intrude.

No. We're just gonna
drop you two off,

and we're gonna be
on our way... Somewhere.

But--but that's--

It's a 1939 black... Cadillac...

Hearse.

Oh, well... What a wonderful
idea! It's so... Roomy.

Yeah! Hey, Ralph, this is
some nice girl you married here!

Ralph... ralph,
why don't you drive?

You know the way better.

Fine.

Hey, buddy!

I'm gonna close this.

That way, we can't hear you,
and you can't hear us, okay?

Dotty: I LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.

George is just as nice as
you've always said he was.

The girl seems
a darling.

I'm gonna raise cattle with
George near San Antone.

You wouldn't like it.

women like security.

Cattle-breeding
is chancy...

Even if it means a
man wastes his life

at a desk job, tyrannized
over by inferior men.

I always wanted you to be
independent-- your own boss.

Not when you were
faced with it!

I broke the news
to you,

and you walked out on
me, taking my son with you.

That was not just
because you quit your job.

Well, I think you made
the right decision.

You realized you had
tied yourself down

to a square peg
in a round hole

that had now popped
outta that hole,

and would've been of
no further use to you.

Ralph,
that is not why--

I got what I had coming
to me, alright.

I told your old man
something

I should have told you
5 years ago, dorothea.

I married you
without love.

I married you for your
stingy-fisted old papa's promise

to make me his heir
apparent. Assurances, lies,

even broad hints that
he would soon kick off.

Ralph, don't you know
that I know that?!

Well... why'd you accept
it, then, Dotty?

Because I was so...

Cut it out, will you?
Have some pride!

I do! In what?

In you!

I'm telling you,
Dotty,

I'm nothing better
than a lousy--

Don't tell me again!
Don't tell me again!

Don't humiliate me,
please!

Don't humiliate me!

Wait a minute, Dotty, I
want to ask you something.

If you knew it all the
while and stayed with me,

what are you leaving me for now?

Well, I... I just...

I got to thinking what
it must be like for you...

Having to make yourself kiss
someone you don't want to kiss,

having to make yourself walk
from your bed over to mine.

Now, wait a minute, Dotty.

I didn't say that. That isn't what
I said. That isn't what I meant!

It is! I don't want
you to waste your life

on a desk job or on a
woman you don't love.

That isn't
what I said--

Dotty?!

What an...

What an awful,
frightening thing it is.

Two people
living together...

Just... two completely
different worlds...

Attemptin'...
Existence together.

I didn't marry you gritting
my teeth and shuddering,

the way you make it sound.

Honey, I liked you. I sincerely
liked and respected you.

I don't want to be respected.

That's the way men feel
about homely women.

But you're not
homely. Not anymore.

When you been a homely girl,

you feel homely all your life.

They can change your
teeth or fix your nose,

give you a whole new
face--doesn't make any difference.

You always know.

Dotty, I've told you
a hundred times.

You've improved
in appearance.

But every time you see
a beautiful girl...

You feel cheated.

Honey, anytime any married
man sees a beautiful girl,

he feels cheated.

Dotty... Dotty, now
listen to me, will you?

I wouldn't want to be married
to anyone but you, honey.

I'm gonna get a
box to put these toys.

Now, honest!

Stop it! You don't have
to make me feel good!

It's not your job anymore.
You don't have to.

Dotty--

Ralph...

Oh, Ralph,
I like your wife.

I think
she's really nice.

Yeah. Well,
she's leaving.

Do you want her to?

I told her I didn't want to
be married to anyone else.

Did you mean it?

Of course I mean it.

You think I could stand
to go through it all again?

I really like
that woman.

In some ways, I'm...

Well, I'm crazy
about her.

You're--you're
just going through

a little period
of adjustment.

We've been married
6 years, little girl!

All that time, you've been
under a terrible strain--

Hating what you did...

And maybe taking it out
on your wife, Ralph bates.

And--

I found this
in the bedroom.

It's perfect.

It looks like it was
made just for you.

Isabel: OH!

You look beautiful,
Dotty.

You do...
You do mean this?

I told you, honey.

The human heart would
never pass the drunk test.

What?

Well... You take the...

Human heart out of...
Out of the human body...

Put a pair of legs on it and
tell it to walk a straight line...

Couldn't do it.

Could never pass the drunk test.

I love you.

Oh, Dotty... I love you so--

We'll be going now, Mrs.
Bates, and get our things.

We got to go.

You don't have
to do that.

Oh, yes, we do.

This sofa lets out
into a bed!

Yeah!

It's actually
very comfortable.

You can stay
right here.

Sure.

It's very easy
to fix.

Very easy.

We've intruded
enough already.

I don't want
to put you out.

Oh, please,
I insist!

It really isn't easy
to find a hotel in town

with so many folks coming
into town for Christmas.

Well, if it's not putting
you out too much...

Oh, no!

Oh, this is such
a sweet little room.

Yes. Sweet.

And the fire's
shining so bright still.

You're not putting
us out at all.

And we got a lot to talk about,
George! Texas, the ranch...

Know what
I mean, boy?

We can all talk it over
together at breakfast.

Yes.

Well, I'll, uh...

We'll--we'll leave
you two alone now.

Uh... good night.

What's the matter,
honey?

Mama took
all my things.

I might just have to
wear this coat to bed!

Oh, no... I'll
lend you a nightie.

No, I do think we
ought to go to a hotel.

Look at that.

How exquisite!

Oh, no. That's your
honeymoon nightie.

Oh, no, I have
another. Please take it.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.
Look.

Please take it.

Well, thank you
so much!

Course, if you'd rather
have the pink one...

Oh, no, no, no! I'm just
delighted with the blue one.

Well...
There you are.

All set.

Anything
I can do?

Anything you
want me to do...

Ralph... just
leave 'em alone.

Oh... yeah.

Good night now.

Good night.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas,
kids!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

That little girl has very
frenchy taste in nighties.

She sure has.

Well... oh, baby,

please don't use that
vicks vaporub on your chest.

I'm not!

This is honey and almond
cream for my hands.

Oh! Oh, well,
that's better.

Get off!
Will you get off the bed, you?

Get off the bed!

What are we going
to do about him?

Well, why don't
we just, uh...

Let him stay there,

and... we can use
the "his."

Hey... in Texas, let's
get a big one, huh?

And call it "ours."

There's more dignity
in it.

I mean, you wouldn't have
to lie there wondering

if you ought to make that long,
dangerous walk between "his" and "hers."

Come on to bed.

Ralph?

Yeah?

Did you really think
I was homely?

Oh, no, no,
Dotty.

No, honey.

You were never
really homely.

You just had
sort of a...

Off-beat face,
that's all.

I guess they've
talked things over...

And are working things out.

I never realized till now,
the shakes are catching.

Little bit...

What is it, honey?

Little bit, I sometimes
give the impression

of being a very...
Efficient type of person.

Sort of... Sure of hisself.

Tough. Like I--

like I think I'm a
Superman or something.

Yes. You do give
that impression...

Sometimes, George.

Well, that is not quite
true, that impression.

I am actually a very
nervous type of person.

I'm a very nervous
type of person right now.

I know.

Do you, honey?

I expect most men are nervous...

Don't you?

At the beginning.

There's one good
thing about marriage.

What? What?

There's so much time.

Nothing has to depend
just on one day...

Or one night.

You always have
another chance...

Both of you.

Boy, I sure wish I had
that little buzzer

that I had at the
Belvedere general hospital.

Honey, you don't
need it anymore.

I'm not way down at
the end of a corridor.

I'm right here.

That for me?

Yes, ma'am.

You come on over here.

No.

No, why don't
you come here?

Come on.

It's nice
by the fire.