Josh: ya know? I hate it when
Drake gets me into "situations."
Drake: I love gettin' josh into
"Situations."
Josh: one time, he entered me
Into a chicken wing-eating
Contest.
Drake: like, once, I entered
Josh into a chicken wing-eating
Contest.
Josh: so they ring the bell, and
I start scarfin' down chicken
Wings as fast as I can.
Drake: I swear josh woulda won.
Josh: but the contest got
Stopped when these crazy people
Showed up to protest.
Drake: but the contest got
Stopped by the p.f.c.r.
Josh: the people for chickens'
Rights. They were very upset.
Drake: they were so mad, they
Threw josh in a lake.
Josh: I was thrown into a lake.
Drake: I jumped in and helped
Him swim to shore.
Josh: I was moist and angry.
Drake: I ate some of the
Leftover chicken wings.
Josh: there were things I
Learned that day.
Drake: I learned a few things
That day.
Josh: number one--the people for
Chickens' rights? Cra-zy.
Drake: the p.f.c.r.--Outta
Control.
Josh: number --drake can get me
Mixed up in some pretty insane
Situations.
Drake: josh...not the best
Swimmer. And last...
Both: chicken wings? Pretty
Good.
Man on tv: ...and ...and ...
And . Don't forget to breathe.
Josh: now ya tell me!
Drake: what's up?
Josh: hey, just workin' out.
Drake: why? Megan b*at ya at
Arm-wrestling again?
Josh: it was a tie! Hey,
Check out my bicep. How's it
Feel?
Drake: kinda like a plastic bag
Filled with pudding.
Josh: cute.
What's that?
Drake: potato launcher.
Josh: where'd ya get a potato
Launcher?
Drake: toy store.
Josh: it says here it's for
Children ages to .
Why did you buy this?
Drake: it launches potatoes up
To feet.
Josh: well, then.
Megan: all right, it is freezing
Upstairs.
Drake: whoa, whoa. What do you
Think you're doing?
Megan: turning down the air
Conditioning so I don't freeze
To death.
Drake: yeah, no, you're not.
Josh: yeah, we like it cold up
Here.
Megan: well, I don't.
Drake: too bad, the thermostat's
In our room.
Josh: so knit yourself
A sweater, little girl.
Megan: you know what I'd rather
Knit?
Josh: what?
Megan: a stupid bag so I could
Stuff you in it and sell you in
A convenient pouch.
Drake: I'd buy one. I'll go play
With my potato.
[Turns volume back up]
Man on tv: ok, now we're gonna
Move on to the heavy stuff.
Let's get ready to do a dead
Lift.
Josh: ready.
Man: and squat.
Josh: squattin'.
Man: grip.
Josh: grippin'.
Man: and lift.
[Grunting]
And hold it...hold it...hold it.
[Screaming]
Drake: it works.
* I never thought
That it'd be so simple,
But I found a way,
I found a way,
If you open up your mind,
See what's inside,
It's gonna take some time
To realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find
Over your shoulder
You know that I told you
I'd always be picking you up
When you're down,
So just turn around
Ooh *
Megan: mom, there's a bug on the
Wall.
Audrey: josh, go k*ll the bug.
Josh: go k*ll the bug.
Drake: I don't wanna k*ll the
Bug.
Walter: josh, she asked you to
Do it.
Get up and go squish that bug.
Audrey: right now.
Josh: ok.
Audrey: ok, what up with the
Cane?
Josh: uh, this? Uh...i use it to
k*ll bugs and whatnot.
See?
Audrey: josh!
Walter: what's the matter with
You?
Josh: I don't know. This house
Is tilted.
Megan: no. Josh crushed his foot
And refuses to go to a hospital.
Audrey: you what?
Walter: let's get his shoe off.
Josh: look, don't even worry
About it, all right? I'm--i'm
Sure it's fine. It doesn't
Really even hurt anymore!
Walter: oh, my! Josh!
Megan: cool.
Drake: it looks like mom's
Meatloaf.
Which tastes so good.
Audrey: how did this happen?
Drake: he dropped a barbell on
It.
Josh: yeah, after you sh*t me
With a potato.
Audrey: a potato?
Drake: it's a long story.
Walter: why didn't you tell us
About this?
Josh: because I'm afraid of
Hospitals, all right?!
Walter: oh, come on.
Audrey: do you know how serious
This could be?
Walter: you could lose that
Foot.
Josh: but I love this foot!
Audrey: come on, we have to get
Him to the hospital right now.
Megan: if they have to remove
His foot, can I have it?
Walter: no!
Josh: what's taking so long?
Audrey: they have to develop the
X-rays.
Josh: I hate this place.
Audrey: just be patient.
Get it?
"Patient"? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah, why do I try?
Walter: seriously, josh,
I don't know why you're so
Freaked out by hospitals.
Doctor: hurry! Hurry!
Something's gone wrong!
Code red! Code red!
Woman: what's wrong with him?!
Doctor: I don't know!
Josh: I'm outta here.
Audrey: look, here comes drake
With your frozen yogurt.
Josh: good. Did they have
French vanilla?
Drake: yep.
Josh: it's empty.
Drake: yeah.
Josh: headaches!
Doctor: hi, sorry to keep you
All waiting.
Walter: that's okay, doctor.
Audrey: how do his x-rays look?
Doctor: well, not so good.
Megan: are you gonna have to cut
Off his foot?
Doctor: no, it's not that
Serious. But his foot will
Require a bit of surgery.
Josh: see ya.
Audrey: stop that.
So, he really needs surgery?
Doctor: yes, if he wants to have
Complete mobility of his
Left foot, we will have to
Operate.
Walter: will you be doing the
Procedure?
Doctor: no, we'll get him a
Foot specialist.
Josh: specialist?!
Audrey: and when does this
Surgery take place?
Doctor: a few hours.
[Josh squeals]
Doctor: I'll have a nurse check
Him into a room.
Josh: aw, they're gonna carve me
Up like a christmas ham.
Drake: relax. She said it wasn't
Serious.
Audrey: you'll be fine.
Now, listen, your father is
Gonna stay here with you
While I take megan home.
Josh: actually, dad, could you
Run home and pick me up, like,
A couple magazines and my
Laptop? You know, 'cause I'm
Gonna be waiting around for a
While.
Walter: you got it, kid.
Audrey: megan, don't you
Wanna say something to
Your brother before you go?
Megan: I hope ya don't die.
Josh: love you, too.
Man, I'm scared.
Drake: don't be scared, man.
Look, I'm gonna stay right
Here with you, ok? You got
Nothing to worry about.
[Beeping]
Oh. Hang on a second.
Got a text message.
Whoa, ariani just invited me
Over to go night swimming.
Josh: wait, wait, wait.
You're just gonna leave me
Here all alone?
Drake: ariani. Night swimming.
Dude, I gotta go.
Doctor: all right, student
Nurses. We're gonna take a
Minute break and then continue
With our tour.
Drake: I'm gonna stay
Right here with ya, man.
Josh: "once the foot is drained,
The surgeon must carefully and
Slowly scrape the metatarsal
Bones."
Woozy!
Drake: good afternoon.
Josh: oh, hey, doc.
Look, I was just on the
Internet, reading about foot
Surgery, and I wanted to
Ask you a couple questions--
Drake: yes?
Josh: what are you doin'?!
Drake: playing doctor.
Josh: playing?!
Drake: yeah. Dude, this
Hospital's like crawling with
Cute nurses.
Josh: so? They're all like
In their twenties.
They don't want to go out
With some guy in high school.
Drake: exactly. So I found this
Closet with doctor's stuff,
Put it on, and in the past
Half-hour, I've made like
Dates with the hottest nurses.
Josh: what?!
Drake: what?
Josh: you can't do that!
Drake: sure I can.
Look. Michelle's thursday,
Kristen's friday, lateesha's
Saturday. Ow!
You hurt me with a sandwich.
Josh: come here!
You can't impersonate a doctor!
It's against the law!
Drake: I'm not "impersonating" a
Doctor. I'm pretending to
Be one.
Josh: pretending to be a
Doctor is illegal!
If they catch you,
They will put you in jail.
Drake: oh. I would not do well
In jail.
Josh: yeah!
Drake: that's ok. I'll
Just take the doctor's stuff
Off and--
Dr. Carlson: josh nichols?
Hello there. I'm dr. Carlson.
I'll be doing the surgery on
Your foot in a few hours, so I
Thought I'd stop by to
Say--oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was
Interrupting. Doctor.
Drake: doctor.
Dr. Carlson: I don't think
We've met before.
Drake: uh...right, right.
You see, I'm just filling in.
Dr. Carlson: just filling in?
Just filling in?
Oh, my goodness! Of course!
You're dr. Nussbaum?!
Drake: yes. Yes, I'm
Dr. Pus-baum.
Josh: nussbaum.
Drake: nussbaum.
It's good to meet you.
Dr. Carlson: well, no, no,
Believe me. It's a pleasure for
Me to meet you. Just--
Students, please. Please, come
In here! All of you. All of
You. Come on in. Students,
May I introduce you to dr.
Elliot nussbaum, the
Youngest surgeon to ever
Graduate from harvard medical
School.
Drake: really?! I mean, yes.
That is what I did.
Dr. Carlson: we weren't
Expecting you until tonight.
Drake: oh, well, you know, you
Lose track of time when you're
So busy saving the lives.
Dr. Carlson: indeed. All of
These are medical students
At u.c.l.a.
Drake: ah.
Dr. Carlson: would you mind
Telling them your incredible
Story?
Drake: well...excuse me. They
Want to hear my story.
Josh: I'd tell 'em your story.
Drake: interesting. Uh...
Dr. Carlson: oh, I'm sorry. I
Should have known that you
Don't want to appear
Braggadocios.
Drake: yes. "Bragagadocios."
I know what that means.
Dr. Carlson: at the age of ,
Dr. Nussbaum graduated from
Harvard medical school.
Drake: right.
Dr. Carlson: by , he was
Published in the new england
Journal of medicine.
Drake: sure.
Dr. Carlson: and to think that
You grew up in kansas on a
Corn farm.
Drake: ah, yes. We grew all
Kinds of corn there. On the cob,
Popped, creamed.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha! Oh!
That's that nussbaum sense of
Humor that we've heard so
Much about.
Drake: uh, yes. Well, I should
Be going now. So many--
Dr. Carlson: wait just a minute.
Doctor, I'm just about
To perform a foot procedure on
A female patient of mine.
Drake: ah, yes! Female.
Dr. Carlson: and the doctors in
Training here would benefit
So much more by watching you do
It than myself.
Drake: oh, no, no, no.
Dr. Carlson: no, no, no.
Please, please, please, please.
It would be an honor to watch
A genius like yourself
Perform surgery.
Drake: no, really, I can't.
Dr. Carlson: why not?
Drake: I don't know how.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha ha!
A brilliant surgeon and funny!
Oh, score another one for
Nussbaum.
Drake: no. You don't understand.
I really have to go.
Dr. Carlson: oh, no, no, no,
Sir. You are in for such a
Treat. You are about to see
Genius perform surgery!
Right this way.
We won't take no for a--
Drake: no, sir, i--i can't.
Dr. Carlson: there we go.
Drake: any advice?
Josh: for the surgery or prison?
Dr. Carlson: doctor! This way.
Drake: ohhhhh.
Walter: pardon me, nurse?
Nurse: yes?
Walter: could you tell me what
Time my son's surgery is
Supposed to start?
His name is josh nichols.
Nurse: oh, I'm sorry.
He passed away.
Walter: what?!
Nurse: oh, wait.
Josh nichols.
His surgery doesn't begin
For a couple more hours.
Walter: thanks.
Nurse: sure.
Dr. Carlson: the operating room
Is right this way, doctor.
Drake: oh, you know, I really
Think you should be the one
Performing this operation.
Dr. Carlson: and miss the chance
To learn from a doctor like you?
Oh, no. This is the opportunity
Of a lifetime. Right this way.
Drake: uhh!
Dr. Carlson: right this way,
Dr. Nussbaum.
Drake: you know, I think it's
Really nice that you want me
To...uhhh...
Who are all these people?
Surgeon: I hope it's ok,
Dr. Nussbaum, but
When the hospital staff found
Out that you were performing
The surgery, well, everyone
Wanted to observe.
Drake: wow. How great.
So, foot surgery, huh?
What are we talkin' about?
An ingrown toenail or something?
Dr. Carlson: no, no.
This patient requires major
Reconstruction of the foot.
Drake: major?
Dr. Carlson: yes. She got that
Right foot got caught
In a food processor.
Drake: what was she making?!
Dr. Carlson: I don't know.
But boy, it makes you think,
Doesn't it?
Well, shall we scrub up?
Drake: oh, I'm cool.
I took a shower last night.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha!
My god, man, you are a joke
Machine.
Drake: yeah.
Audrey: megan!
Megan: yes, mommy?
Audrey: where are you?
Megan: um...
Hang on.
I'm in drake and josh's room.
Audrey: there you are.
Don't you want dinner?
I ordered chinese.
Megan: oh, cool. Sure.
Audrey: uh, what are you doing
In the boys' room?
Megan: oh, I just wanted to
Clean up a little, make sure
Everything's nice for josh when
He gets home from the hospital.
Audrey: you know, I don't think
Josh has any idea how lucky
He is to have a little sister
Like you.
Megan: it's ok.
His happiness is my reward.
Dr. Carlson: anytime you're
Ready, doctor.
Drake: ok.
Anesthesiologist: why don't
You start the operation already?
Drake: right. Uh...
I will first begin by making
A small incision by the
Big toe bone...
Josh: hello, everyone!
Sorry I am late!
Dr. Carlson: excuse me,
Who are you?
Josh: ha ha ha! I am dr.
Vishi-swoz.
Dr. Carlson: dr. Vishi-swoz?
I'm afraid I've never heard of--
Drake: yes! Doctor, I've been
Waiting for you.
Dr. Carlson: you know
Each other?
Josh: indeed. Dr. Nussbaum and I
Studied together
At the college of harvard.
Drake: yeah. You see, dr.
Vishi--
Josh: swoz...
Drake: ...swoz is actually my
Assistant.
Josh: I prefer to be
Thought of as a colleague.
Drake: colleague, assistant.
What's the difference?
Josh: well, it makes a
Difference to my mother!
Anesthesiologist: we must
Begin the surgery before
The anesthesia wears off!
Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We
Really need to be--
Josh: oh, ok, but before we
Start the surgery, I must
Speak to dr. Nussbaum privately.
Josh: ah, right. You see, we
Always chat before i--
Josh: ok. Excuse us, please!
Have you completely
Lost your mind!?
Drake: what?!
Josh: you're seriously gonna
Operate on a person?!
Drake: what am I supposed to
Do?!
Josh: tell them you're not
A real surgeon!
Drake: don't you think I want
To?! Man, you're the one that
Told me I could get arrested for
Pretending to be a doctor.
You tell me how to get out of
This!
Josh: ok.
All right. Just follow my lead.
Ha ha ha! Okey-dokey.
Dr. Nussbaum is ready for to
Do the surgery on the foot
Person.
Drake: I am?
Dr. Carlson: you are.
Drake: I am. Ok...
Well, I'll begin by making a
Small incision right here
By the tickle nerve. Here I go.
Josh: I kissed your wife.
Drake: what?
Josh: I kissed your wife.
Nurse: doctor nussbaum's
Married?
Josh: oh, yes!
Nurse: but he asked me out!
Second nurse: he asked me out!
Third nurse: he made out with
Me!
Dr. Carlson: nussbaum, you dog.
Is there anything this guy can't
Do?
Anesthesiologist: I wish he'd do
This surgery!
Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We
Really need to get--
Drake: you kissed my wife?!
Josh: I can't help it. She is so
Pretty and sweet smelling.
Drake: I can't believe you,
After all we've been through
Together at harvard?!
Josh: well, I am just a man!
Drake: yeah. A man who kissed my
Wife!
Dr. Carlson: doctor, I realize
This is an awkward moment,
Drake: I can't believe you,
Vishi-swoz!
Josh: well, it is your fault!
Drake: my fault?!
Josh: yes! You do not satisfy
Her needs.
Drake: don't you tell me about
My wife!
Josh: oh, I will tell you
Something about your wife, and
This is what it is.
Drake: you know, I ought to
Punch you, man!
Josh: so, you punch me. I will
Punch you back!
Drake: no! Hey, don't you walk
Away from me!
Josh: I am walking away!
Drake: you're talking about my
Wife! I wanna know what's been
Going on, vishi-swoz!
Patient: is my foot fixed?
Drake: hug me brothah!
Man, you were great!
Josh: yeah. You too, bro!
Drake: "vishi-swoz?"
Josh: it's a soup!
Drake: I must try some.
Josh: we better get all this
Stuff off.
Drake: yeah, you're right. Hey.
Here. Gimme. Man, you better get
Off that foot.
Josh: yeah. No doubt.
The little pants.
Ok, bad foot, bad foot.
Drake: sorry, sorry, sorry.
Josh: , , , go! I'm all
Right.
Drake: look, man, I'm really
Sorry about making you break
Your foot.
Josh: I'm sorry I kissed your
Wife.
Drake: how was she?
Josh: oh, excellent.
Dr. Carlson: excuse me.
Drake: oh. Hi, there. Um...
Listen, I'm really sorry
About that argument I got into
With my assistant. You know how
We doctors can be.
Dr. Carlson: yes, yes. Well, I
Was actually just coming down
To talk to you about that when I
Ran into somebody on the
Elevator.
Drake: who's he?
Dr. Carlson: this is
Dr. Nussbaum.
Josh: you mean he's an imposter?
Dr. Carlson: it would appear so.
Are you aware that you could go
To prison for impersonating a
Doctor?
[Glass shattering]
Josh: man, I cannot believe you
Jumped out that window.
Drake: I can't believe I broke
My arm.
Josh: yeah, but at least you
Don't have to worry about--
Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold
In here?
Drake: yeah. Look. [Exhales]
Josh: it must be like
Degrees.
Megan: degrees and dropping.
Drake: all right, megan.
What'd you do?
Megan: I just modified the air
Conditioning in your room.
You guys did say you like it
Cold, right?
Josh: yeah. That's right.
Drake: yeah. We love it cold.
Josh: so if you thought this was
Gonna upset us, too bad!
Drake: didn't work.
Josh: so ha!
Drake: and ha!
Megan: good. Enjoy the weather.
Boobs.
Josh: well, it looks like we
Foiled her little plan.
Drake: yeah, so she made the
Room a little cold.
Like we care.
Josh: wanna watch some tv?
Drake: sure.
Character on tv: captain,
It appears we've been att*cked.
Josh: dude?
Drake: I know.
Drake: aw, here, come on, man.
Let me take you to the hospital.
Josh: no, no. I'll be fine.
Drake: come on. You said it was
Broken.
Josh: ow! I'm not going to any
Hospital. Look, I'm sure it's
Just a bruise.
Drake: man, I don't know what
Happened. I just shoved the
Potato in here but it wasn't
Supposed to go off until I
Pressed the--
[Thud]
[Potato sh**t fires]
Josh: pffft!
Man: mmm!
03x08 - Paging Dr. Drake
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Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.
Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.