Josh: Ok. Drake's A
Pretty Awesome Guy.
Drake: Sometimes
Josh Is Ridiculous.
Josh: But He Doesn't Understand.
The Importance
Of Setting Limits.
Drake: Case In Point...
Josh: Take Last Halloween...
Drake: Last Halloween, Me And.
Josh Went To This Huge Party At
The San Diego Megadome...
Josh: Drake And I Were At This.
Party, Right...
Drake: So I Found A Garbage Bag.
And Loaded It Up With, Like,
Pounds Of Candy.
Josh: And Drake Comes Home With.
This Ginormous Sack Of Candy.
Drake: So Josh Goes On His.
Computer And Prints Out A
Schedule Of When
I Should Eat It.
Josh: So I Created A Compu.
Calendar To Help Drake Plan His
Candy Consumption.
Drake: Yeah. I Was Supposed To.
Eat, Like, Pieces Of Candy
Per Day For The Next Year.
Josh: Then He Locked Me In The.
Closet And Ate The Entire Bag Of
Candy In, Like, A Half Hour.
Drake: Then I Locked Josh In A.
Closet And Ate The
Entire Sack Of Candy.
Josh: And Then He Threw Up.
Drake: I Puked.
Josh: And After
That, He Falls Asleep.
Drake: Then I Fell Asleep,
So Josh Slept In The
Closet That Night.
Josh: Kid's Gotta
Know His Limitations.
Drake: It's Fun Locking
Josh In Closets.
Megan: What?
Drake: ♪ We're Gonna
Be The Boss Of You ♪
Josh: ♪ And You Have
To Do What We Say ♪
Drake: ♪ Ha Ha ♪
Josh: ♪ Ha-Ha Ha Ha ♪
Megan: Ok. You Can't Sing.
You're A Moron. And What Are You
Talking About Anyway?
Drake: We're Talking About The.
Fact That Mom And Dad Are Gonna
Be Out Of Town All Weekend.
Josh: Which Means We Are In.
Charge Of The House...
Drake: The Refrigerator...
Josh: The Tv Set...
Drake: And The You.
Megan: Oh, You
Guys Really Think.
You're Gonna Be In Charge?
Josh: Yeah, We Are.
Drake: In Fact, I've Just.
Decided To Change The Channel.
[Changes Channel]
Megan: I Was Watching Something.
Josh: Um... Were.
Drake: Yeah, Good One.
Megan: Give Me The Remote.
Drake: I Don't Think So, Megan.
In Fact, Why Don't You Just Run
Up To Your... Hey!
Josh: What The?! Megan, You.
Can't Just Flip...
Oh, Yah... Uhh!
[Changes Channel]
Audrey: Ok, Boys, We're
About To Head Out.
Walter: Yeah, We Don't Want To.
Get Caught In
Traffic On The Way To...
Audrey: Ok. Why Are
You Guys On The Floor?
Josh: It's A Long,
Painful Story.
Audrey: All Right. Josh,
Now Here Is All The Information
About The Hotel
We'll Be Staying At.
Walter: So, Come On. Let's
Go. I Don't Want To Be Late.
Audrey: Ok. Um, Oh, And, Boys,
Here's $ . Now That Is For
Food And Emergencies Only.
Josh: Got It.
Walter: And Remember, L.A.'S.
Only Hours Away... Josh: Go.
Drake: Go. Have A Good Time.
Josh: Bye.
Drake: Ok, Megan.
Josh: You Have To Do
All Your Homework...
Megan: Listen To Me.
You Get On One Of My Nerves This
Weekend, And You'll Both Wake Up
Tomorrow Morning
Very Confused In Cuba.
Drake: Maybe We
Shouldn't Bother Her.
Josh: Word.
Drake: Oh, Hey, You
Hear That, Josh?
Josh: What?
Drake: It's Saying, "Spend Me,
Josh. Won't You Spend Me?"
Josh: Money Is Not A Puppet.
Drake: Come On. Josh:
No. All Right, You Heard.
Mom And Dad. This Money Is For
Food And Emergencies Only.
Drake: Yeah, Yeah.
Josh: What?
Drake: Man, How Much Fun Is It.
Spending Bucks?
Josh: Drake, We Have No Money.
Left? How Are We Gonna
Buy Food For Megan?
Drake: [French Accent]
Dinner Is Served.
Drake: ♪ I Never Thought
That It'd Be So Simple,
But I Found A Way,
I Found A Way, And...
If You Open Up Your Mind ♪
Chorus: ♪ See What's Inside ♪
Drake: ♪ It's Gonna Take Some
Time To Realize, But
If You Look Inside,
I'm Sure You'll Find,
Over Your Shoulder, You'll Know
That I Told You I'll Always Be.
Picking You Up When You're Down,
So Just Turn Around... ♪
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh ♪
Man, On Cell Phone:
Sir... Sir, Please?
I Know We Don't Have A
Reservation, But Every Hotel In
Town Is Full. Oh, Ok. I See.
No, Don't You Worry About It.
We Will Be Fine...
Sleeping In The Street!
Drake: You Hear That?
They Need A Place To Stay.
We Can Rent Them A Room At The
House While Mom
And Dad Are Away.
Josh: Hey, That
Is So, So Stupid.
Drake: Come On, Man. It's Gonna.
Be Spring Break All Weekend.
Josh: So?
Drake: So Every Hotel In.
San Diego Is Gonna Be Booked.
I Bet They Give
Us, Like, Bucks.
Josh: Look, We Had Bucks,
All Right, Which You Promptly
Threw Away On Bubble Gum,
A Wristwatch, A Telescope,
And A Mexican Robot.
Drake: Come On. This Is Cool.
[Robot Makes Sound]
Josh: Ok, That Is Pretty Cool.
[Robot Makes Sound]
Drake: Anyway, We Need Money.
Which They Will Pay Us.
Josh: They Wanna Stay At A.
Hotel, All Right?
Not Someone's House.
Drake: So Then We'll Tell Them.
Our House Is One Of Those Fancy
Hotels. You Know, What Do You
Call Them? Bed And Breakfast.
Josh: No.
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: No.
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: No!
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: All Right.
Drake: Terry, Gail,
Right This Way.
Gail: Oh, This Is Lovely.
Drake: Thank You. It's Just A.
Little Place I Like To Call
The Drake And Josh Inn.
Terry: Great.
Terry: So Where Do
We, Uh, Check In?
Drake: Oh, Uh... Here.
Here, Uh, Just...
Go Ahead And Write Down Your
Names And... Other Hotel Stuff,
And Josh Will Take
Your Bags Upstairs.
Josh: Drake.
Drake: We'll Take
Your Bags Upstairs.
Terry: How Great Is It That We.
Found This Place?
Gail: I Know. It's So Nice.
They Really Made It Feel Like
It's Someone's Actual Home.
Terry: Hello.
Megan: Hi.
Gail: How Are You?
Megan: Good.
Terry: Uh, Have You
Been Staying Here Long?
Megan: Kinda.
Gail: How's The Food?
Megan: Drake! Josh!
Drake: Oh, Hey! Can We Talk To.
You In The Kitchen For A Second?
Megan: No. Josh:
Just For A Second.
Megan: No.
Put Me Down!
Josh: Hey!
Megan: You Know I Don't Like.
Being Lifted! And
Who Are Those People?
Drake: They Needed A Hotel.
Megan: And?
Josh: We Sort Of Told Them This.
Was A Hotel.
Megan: Ok, I'm
Calling Mom And Dad.
Drake: Stop Her!
Josh: Now, You May Have The.
Phone Back After We Talk To You.
Megan: I Wouldn't Want That.
Phone Back If I Were Dying On
The Kitchen Floor.
Drake: Where Are You Going?
Do Not Call Mom And Dad.
Megan: I'm Not Gonna Let You.
Turn Our House Into A Hotel.
Unless... Drake: What
Do You Want, Money?
Megan: No. I Don't
Need Your Money.
Drake: All Right. Then What's It
Gonna Take For You To Keep Quiet.
About This? Megan: You
Wanna Pretend This.
House Is A Hotel? Fine. Then I
Wanna Be Treated Like A Guest.
Josh: Huh?
Drake: What?
Megan: You Know, Make My Bed,
Bring Me Food, And
Anything Else I Want.
Josh: No. No Way.
No... Drake: Deal.
Josh: Deal?
Megan: Deal?
Josh: Ok.
[Telephone Rings]
Megan: I Ain't Getting That.
Drake: Me, Neither.
[Ring]
Josh: Hello?
Terry: Thanks.
Josh: Sure.
Terry: Mmm. This Coffee Is So.
Fresh. How Great Is This Place?
Gail: So Great.
Do You Know This.
Is The Nicest Bed And Breakfast
We've Ever Stayed At?
Josh: Just Let Me Know If.
There's Anything I Can Do To
Make Your Stay Here
More Pleasurable.
Gail: Can I Get Some
Honey For My Tea?
Josh: [Southern
Accent] Oh, Sure.
Thing, Honey.
Ma'am.
Drake: Hey, Josh. Josh:
[Regular Voice] Hey.
Drake: How Goes The Hotel Biz?
Josh: Pretty Good. We're Making
Bucks A Night Off These
Guys, And I Kinda
Like Running A Hotel.
Drake: I'm So Psyched To Hear
You Say That, 'Cause I've Been.
Down At The Beach All Morning.
Josh: Doing What? Drake:
Talking To A Bunch Of.
College Kids Who Are Here For
Spring Break With
No Place To Stay.
Josh: So?
Drake: Right In Here, Guys.
Josh: Wha... Wha...
The Girl... How Are You, Girl On
A Cooler? What... Boogie Board?
What... What The... Dog?
Whoa. What The...
Drake, You Can't Let These
People Stay Here.
Drake: Oh, Really? 'Cause About.
Half Of Them Paid In Advance.
Josh: Spring Breakers! Welcome.
To The Drake And Josh Inn!
Whoo!
All: Whoo!
Josh: You Guys Having Fun?
I Know I Am.
There Are More?
Oh. Hi.
Um... Beach Balls... Um, Hi.
[People Talking]
Josh: Oh, Come On, Guys. No.
Throwing Stuff In The Hotel.
Hey! Hey, We Have A
Strict "No Pet" Policy.
[Ruff]
Except For You.
Drake: All Right. That's It.
So Who Else Wants
Some Suntan Lotion, Huh?
[Chuckles] And We Just Ran Out.
Josh: Drake, This Is Out Of.
Control, All Right?
You Gotta Do Something.
[Limbo Music Playing]
Drake: Oh! Can't
Talk. Gotta Limbo.
Terry: Sir?
Josh: Yeah, What?
Terry: You Really Need To Clean.
The Pool. It's
Getting Pretty Dirty.
Josh: What Pool?
Gail: The One Upstairs.
Josh: Pool?!
Josh: Uhh!
Come On, You Guys! No One's
Supposed To Be In Our Room.
Hey, Who Put This Pool In Here?
Boy: Belly Flop!
[All Cheering]
Josh: Don't Even Think About.
Doing A Belly Flop!
All: Go! Go! Go!
Boy: Hey!
[Cheering]
Yeah!
Man: That Was Awesome.
Josh: Excuse Me!
Drake!
Drake, What Are You Doing?
Drake: Oh, Hey. This Is Nikki.
Nikki: Hey, I'm Nikki.
Drake: Yeah, She's In Beauty
School, So I'm Letting Her Give.
Me A Haircut.
Nikki: I Brought My Scissies.
Josh: Wow. That's...
That's Really Cool.
Nikki: I Know.
Josh: Now Go Away!
Drake: Whoa. What's
Your Problem?
Josh: Look, I Want All Of These.
People Out Of Here Now!
Drake: Are You Out Of Your Mind?
They're Paying Us A Fortune,
And I'm Having Fun.
Man: Hey, Man, Is
This Your Guitar?
Drake: [Gasps]
Ok. I Want All Of These People
Out Of Here Now!
Josh: All Right. Let's Do This.
Move! Move! Move! Out Of The
Way. Out Of The Way.
[Unplugs Stereo, Music Stops]
All: Hey! Hey!
Josh: [Fakes Crying] Sorry,
Everybody, All Right?!
But The Drake And Josh Inn Is
Now Officially Closed.
[All Groan]
Yeah, Sorry. So If Everyone Will
Please... Ow!
Drake: Wait! Hey!
What Are You...
[Music Starts]
Josh! Here, Get Up.
Josh: Uhh!
Drake: Here.
Man, How Are We Gonna Get All
These People Out Of Here?
Josh: There's Only One Person.
Tough Enough To
Handle College Kids.
Drake: Ok, You Go Get Help,
And I'm Gonna Stay
Here And Make Sure...
Josh: Helen? Helen!
Helen: What Are You Doing Here?
You're Not Supposed
To Work Today.
Josh: Look, I Need
Your Help, All Right?
Helen: You Wanna
Borrow My Ointment?
Josh: No. Look, I
Have People.
At My House.
Helen: How Much Ointment Do You.
Think I Have?
Josh: No. Look, All Right...
There Was A Party, And... And It
Sort Of Got Out Of Control,
And Now They Won't Leave,
And I Was Hoping Maybe You Could
Come Over And...
And Scare Them Away.
Helen: Ok, Look,
Josh, I Am Your.
Employer, And I Don't Feel It's
My Responsibility To Help You
Out Of Your Personal
Predicaments.
Josh: Please... Helen:
I Am Sorry, Josh.
Josh: You're... You're Right.
Helen: Mm-Hmm.
Josh: I... I Better Get Home.
Before All Those Insane People
Eat Drake Alive. Helen:
Drake's In Trouble?!
Whoa! Coming, Drake!
Move It Now!
[Music Playing]
Drake: Get Off Of...
Megan: Drake! I
Need Another Set.
Of Clean Sheets
Sent Up To My Room.
Drake: What? We Just Sent Clean.
Sheets Up There, Like, Hours
Ago. What Happened To Those?
Man: I'm Sheet Man!
♪ Da Da-Da Da ♪
Megan: I Want These
People Out Of Here!
Drake: So Do We!
Helen: Drake?! Drake?!
Where Is He?
Josh: There He Is!
Helen: Put Him...
You Better Put.
That Boy Down!
Josh: Drake, Are You All Right?
Drake: Uhh. Yeah.
Helen: Oh! Don't Worry, Honey.
Helen's Here. I'm Gonna Make All
These Bad People Go Away.
Drake: Oh, Thank You, Helen.
Man: Oh, Yeah. What's Up, Y'all?
I'm J.D. Warfield, And This Is
Mtv Spring Break Coming At Ya
From Beautiful San
Diego, California.
[Cheering]
Helen: Mtv? Well, I Do Love The.
Music Television.
Josh: Are These Guys
Really From Mtv?
Drake: Yeah, They Showed Up A.
Half Hour Ago.
Helen: ♪ I Want To
Love You, Feel You,
Wrap Myself Around You,
I Want To Squeeze
You, Please You,
I Just Can't Get Enough,
And If You Move Real
Slow, I'll Let It Go ♪
Help Me Out Now.
Drake: Ok, Why Did
You Bring Helen?
Josh: I Thought She'd Make All.
These People Leave.
Drake: Well, That's Not Exactly.
Working, Is It?
Helen: ♪ I'm So Excited ♪
All: Whoo!
Helen: ♪ And I
Just Can't Hide It ♪
All: Whoo!
Helen: ♪ I Know I'm
About To Lose Control,
And I Think He Likes It ♪
All: Whoo!
Josh: This Cannot Get Any Worse.
Drake: Hey! What...
Josh: That's Not Natural!
Walter: ♪ I'm So Excited,
And I Just Can't Hide It,
I'm About To Lose Control,
I Think I Like It,
I'm So Excited ♪
Audrey: What Are You Watching?
Walter: Oh, I Don't Know.
It's, Uh, It's Mtv. It's A Big
Spring Break Thing, I Think.
Audrey: Look At All
Those Insane Kids. Ha.
Walter.
Walter: Huh?
Audrey: Does That...
Does That Look
Like Our Living Room?
Walter: What?
Well, I Guess It Does,
A Little, But There's No Way
That Could Be Our House. I Mean,
Ha, Come On.
[Music Playing]
Josh: Do Not Eat That Cushion!
Oh!
[Telephone Rings]
Whoa!
Get In Here!
Drake: What?! What?!
Josh: Look At The Caller I.D.
Drake: Los Angeles! Mom And Dad?
Josh: Either Them
Or Lindsay Lohan!
Drake: Well, Just Answer It.
Josh: You Gotta Make These.
Freaks Be Quiet First.
[Blows Air Horn]
Drake: Ok, Now, Please, If.
Everyone Could Just Be Quiet
For Seconds, And Then You
Guys Can Make All
The Noise You Want, Ok?
Josh: Hello? Happy Saturday.
Audrey: Josh? Is Anything
Going On There?
Josh: Um, No. Ha Ha.
Nothing To Speak Of.
Audrey: Well, We're Watching Tv,
And We Could Swear We're Looking
At A Wild Party Going On In Our
Living Room.
Josh: It's For You!
Drake: Mom? What's Doing?
Walter: All Right. Drake, I
Don't Know What's Going On,
But We're Coming Home.
Drake: No! No! Uh...
[Hangs Up Phone]
You Can't! It's... Aargh!
Josh: So How's L.A.?
Drake: They're On
Their Way Home.
Josh: Oh! Drake: Man,
If We Don't Get All.
These People Out Of Here In Less
Than Hours,
Our Lives Are Over.
Josh: Well, What
Are We Gonna Do?
Drake And Josh: Megan!
Drake: Ok, What Do We Do?
Megan: Just Push That Thing...
Josh: I'm Pushin' It!
Megan: Now Open Up The Air.
Conditioning Vent.
Drake: Ok, Now What?
Megan: Now Help
Me Put This Hose.
Up Into The Vent.
Josh: Come On. Come On. Come On.
Here. Go, Go, Go.
[Music Playing]
[Blows Air Horn]
[Music Stops] Nikki:
Hey, What's Going On?
Man: Yeah, Crank
The Tunes Back Up.
Drake: Shh. Everyone,
Quiet, Please.
Josh: Ok, We Have An Emergency.
Drake: Uh, Yes. It
Seems We Have.
A Serious Gas Leak Here In The
Drake And Josh Inn.
Man: Oh, Uh, Sorry.
I Think That Was Me.
Josh: No! All Right. There Is A.
Serious Leak Of... Hydro...
Mon-Monoxopuff Gas.
Drake: Yeah. It Makes
Your Eyes Bleed.
Josh: So Everyone Will Please.
Leave The Building Immediately.
Second Man: I Don't Believe 'Em.
Nikki: Yeah. Come
On, Let's Party.
All: Yeah!
Drake: Now!
Megan: Copy.
[Machine Turns On]
Josh: Oh, No! Look!
Drake: It's The Monoxopuff Gas.
Helen: Cover Your Eyes, People.
Cover Your Eyes.
[All Talking]
Josh: Get Out! Get Out!
Helen: You Better Get
Out Of Here! Go On!
Josh: Now Lock It!
Now Hug Me, Brother!
Drake: Oh! They're Home!
Josh: Come On. Quick. Quick.
, , ... .
Drake: Oh, You
Lose A Turn, Josh.
Josh: Rats!
Walter: Ahem.
Megan: Oh. Look Who's Back.
Drake: Hey.
Audrey: Yeah... We're Back.
Drake: So How Come
You Guys Came.
Home So Early?
Walter: We Were
Watching Tv, And We Saw...
Audrey: A Whole Bunch Of Crazy.
College Kids
Partying Like Maniacs.
Walter: And A Dog And A Big.
Hairy Guy With A
Root Beer Bottle...
Audrey: And A Woman
Was Singing R&B Tunes.
Walter: She Had A Lazy Eye.
Audrey: And We Could Have Sworn.
It Looked Just Like Our House.
Drake: Yeah, Ok.
Josh: Come On. We Wouldn't Have.
A Party Without Your Permission.
Walter: Well...
I'm Sorry We Didn't Trust You.
Audrey: We Won't
Doubt You Again.
Walter: Hey, To Make It Up To.
You, Why Don't We All Go Out
For Some Pizza?
Drake: Oh, Great.
Megan: Awesome.
Josh: Uh, But,
Uh... First, Uh...
The Of Us Have To Go Do
Something Upstairs.
Drake: What Do We Have To...
Megan: [Laughs] Be Right Back.
Walter: I Wonder What
That Was All About.
Audrey: Teens Are Crazy.
[Knock On Door]
I Wonder Who That Is.
[Knock]
Walter: Yes, Officers,
Can We Help You?
Officer: Yes. Sir, Do You Know.
It's Against The Law To Host A
Televised Event From A Private
Residence Without A
City-Authorized Permit?
Walter: Huh?
Audrey: We Didn't Host
A Televised Event.
Officer: We Have Evidence
That Says You Did.
Walter: But, Officers...
Officer: Come With Us, Please.
Walter: Hold On...
But You See...
I'm A Weatherman.
Drake: Ok.
Josh: We're Ready.
Megan: Hello?
Josh: And I Cannot
Believe I Let.
You Talk Me Into Spending Our
Money That Was
Supposed To Be For Food.
Drake: I Bought
Gum. Gum Is Food.
Josh: Arrggh!
[Gum Splatters On Floor]
Helen: Josh!
Josh: What?!
Helen: Why Aren't You Working?
Josh: It's My Day Off.
Helen: Oh, And So You Think.
That's An Excuse
Not To Be Working?
Drake: Hey, Helen.
Helen: What Is It?!
Drake: Aah!
03x01 - The Drake and Josh Inn
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Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.
Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.