Transcripts - Forever Dreaming

What about Tuesday?
Can you do the 11 o'clock Mass?

Ted, I'll do the 11 and the 12,

you should have a rest
after that weekend away.

Well, Paris does tend
to take it out of me.

I'm off for a game.
Ted, care to join me?

No, thanks, Darren.
What time are we going to the races?

I suppose after lunch. Oh, and
Mrs Dunne hopes you like pheasant.

I love pheasant.

This is what it's all about.

Fine port, beautiful surroundings...

and intelligent company.

Did you not have all that
at your last parish?

No.

Dublin seems to suit you, though.

You've got a new-found gleam
in your eye.

Yes, I'll be staying here a while,

as long as I don't mess it up
by doing something stupid.

Most of these accounts seem in order,
Father Smith,

but could I ask Father Crilly

about one or two of these things
he's put down under "expenses"?

TED!

(Helicopter)

(Squeaking and whirring)

What is making that
incredibly annoying noise?

Ronaldo. I was lonely without you,
Ted, so I got a hamster instead.

Yes, but does he ever stop
running in that fecking wheel?

No, he's had to use it ever since
he rode this into his feed tray.

Don't worry, I think there's just
something wrong with the brakes.

How long has Father Jack
been living in there?

He started just a few days
after you left.

Maybe he's agoraphobic.

Jack scared of fighting?
I don't think so, Ted.

(Rumbling)

(Screaming)

Mrs Doyle just fell off the roof.

I think I'll go and visit
Father Fitzpatrick.

I think he has a book
belonging to me.

Let's see now, Humanae Vitae.

You know, sometimes I leaf through
this to see just how far we've come.

Celebration Of The Christian Mystery,
Daeus Canida, Ventra Mepolo...

Ah, Stephen king's The Shining.

Well, thanks for the tea, Father.
See you the next time we, um...

We, uh... Sorry, Father, I hope
you don't mind me asking but...

what have you got a padlock
on that door for?

Is there something top secret?

- My collection.
- Yes! That's right.

- What is it? w*r memorabilia?
- That's right. Like a look?

I'd love to.

Taken from the German advance
on Russia.

You can see where the hammer
hits the shell casing.

Gosh, that's interesting.

Uh, these are helmets,
mostly infantry.

Yes, these would be German as well?

That's right.

Nothing from the Allied side?

No, that sort of thing
wouldn't interest me at all.

(Ted) Right.

That's my curiosity satisfied.

And this is the last photograph
taken of Herr Hitler.

He's signing a few death warrants.

Funny, how you get more right wing
as you get older.

Right, well...
Great, this is all wonderful stuff.

Some people aren't too sure
but you seem genuinely interested.

Oh, I am...genuinely interested.

- Ahh! Was ist das?!
- What are you doing here?!

I told you! No sleeping here.

This is an old friend, Ted. See you.

(Man ) # Deutschland,
Deutschland uber alles... #

(Chimes )

Feck!

- (Chimes )
- Arse!

- (Chimes )
- Drink!

Ted, the table's so dirty
I can write me name in it.

There's a "G" in Dougal.

Where?

Right, that's it.
I'm fed up living in filth.

We'll just have to clean this place.

And what if anyone saw
that hole in your t*nk top?

Where, Ted?
Ah, God, would you look at that!

And this here. A perfectly square
bit of black dirt on the window.

How could you get a perfectly
square bit of black dirt on a window?

Mrs Doyle can't do any cleaning
since she fell off the roof.

(Screaming)

See? She can't
keep her balance at all.

That's it, then,
I'll just have to say it.

We'll have to clean
this place ourselves.

What?

- Are you with me, Dougal?
- Well, yeah.

Right, let's go!
Let's clean this mother!

Yeah!

Ted, I could pick up
that broken bit of lamp.

Good idea.

Wow.

I'm bored now.

Yeah.

Dougal, look.

Ohh!

Ho-ohh!

I am Chinese if you please!

Come on, Dougal, lighten up.

Uhh... Wh... Wh...

Who... Dougal, there were
Chinese people there!

Oh, right, yeah.

But they...

I mean... What is... I mean...

That's the Yin family,
they live in Chinatown.

Chinatown? There's a Chinatown
on Craggy Island?

I wouldn't have done
a Chinaman impression

if I'd known there was
a Chinaman there to see.

Why not, Ted?

(Whispers ) Because...
because it's r*cist.

They'll think I'm a r*cist. I'll
have to explain I'm not a r*cist.

If I don't stretch my eyes like that
from time to time, I get "Fat Eyes".

- (Revs engine )
- Ahh!

It's nothing of a racial nature!
Thanks for being so understanding!

Right, that's that.

Oh, that's that, all right.
What's that?

I ordered some new stuff for
the house, get rid of this old tat.

Dougal, you don't think
I upset those Chinese people?

I don't know.

It was like when you did that
impression of Stephen Hawking.

He was the last person
you'd expect to turn up.

That was a million to one shot.

God, he can move in that wheelchair
when he's angry.

Don't worry about it, Ted.
Did you phone Habitat?

No, Habit Hat.

Like Habitat it sells soft
furnishings but also priest clothes.

Does it not get confused
with Habitat?

No, that's never happened,
except when you just did it.

Anyway, what else did you order?

Priest's socks, really black ones.

I read in an article
about priest's socks

that priest's socks are blacker
than any other socks.

That's right.

Sometimes you see lay people
wearing apparently black socks

but if you look closely,

they're really very, very,
very, very dark blue.

That's true. I thought my
Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks

but when I looked at them closely,

they were just very, very, very,
very, very, very, dark blue.

Never buy black socks
in a normal shop.

They'll shaft you every time.

(Man ) Hello there, Father!

Hello, Colm.

- Out and about?
- I am. Same as yourself.

Good, good.

I hear you're a r*cist now, Father.

What?

How did you get interested
in that?

- Who said I'm a r*cist?
- Everyone's saying it, Father.

Should we all be racists?

What's the official line
the Church is taking?

No, no...

Only the farm takes up
most of the day

and at night
I just like a cup of tea.

I might not be able to devote
myself full time to the old racism.

- Good for you, Father!
- What?

Oh, Mrs Carberry.

Good for you! Someone had the guts
to stand up to them at last!

Coming over here,
taking our jobs and our women

and acting like
they own the fecking place!

Well done, Father! Good for you!

Good for you!
I'd like to fecking...

- Fecking Greeks!
- It's the Chinese he's after!

I'm not after the Chinese!

I don't care as long as
I can have a go at the Greeks!

They invented gayness!

Look, we're not having a go
at anybody!

I'm not a r*cist, all right?! God.

Feckin' Greeks!

- How's Mary?
- Fine. She got that job.

Great!

(Man ) r*cist!

(Irish music playing, chatter)

(Silence )

(Rings )

- Hello?
- Hello.

Is that the Yin dynasty... Family!
Is that the Yin family?

- This is Sean Yin.
- Hello, it's Father Ted Crilly here.

I think I owe you an apology.

(Bell tinkling, tyres screech)

Right, see you in a while.

Dougal, everything's cleared up.
They're coming straight round.

I'll stop people saying I'm a r*cist.
It's great, nothing can go wrong.

Fantastic. So the story is
you're not a r*cist.

Yes. What? No, it's not a story.
I am not a r*cist.

Tea, everyone.

Father Crilly,
I hear you're a r*cist.

No, Mrs Doyle, he's not a r*cist.

I am not! I am not a r*cist!

Mrs Doyle, you can't go on like this.

- I'm going to try something.
- No!

- Don't worry.
- Oh, no...no!

- No, no!
- Just relax.

No... (Screams )

Ohh... Oh, yes, that's much better.

- Are you sure? You look...
- Oh, yes, yes, yes!

This is great.
I'll be fine now, Father.

NO!

Seriously, Father,
I feel 20 years younger.

Ted, the Chinese are coming.

Oh, where are they?

Feck it, this big mark's
still on the window. Never mind.

Hello! Hello!

Why do we have to talk
to this fascist?

Come on now, it may have just been...

Where are they going?

I invite them here and they don't let
me tell them my side of the story!

(Inaudible )

This is terrible, people think
I'm a n*zi r*cist and I'm not!

What can I do?

Ted, here's an idea
right off the top of my head.

I haven't thought it through
but what the hell,

I'll just talk
and see what comes out. Anyway...

Have a special event celebrating
Craggy Island's different cultures

and then people won't think
you're a big r*cist.

- My God...
- What?

- That's a good idea.
- No, it isn't.

It is, Dougal, it is!

No, there's probably something
wrong with it. Think it through.

No, Dougal,
you've had a brilliant idea.

But break it down for me a bit more.

What would an event celebrating
the different cultures be like?

What?

What would it involve? Celebration,
yes, but what form could it take?

Ted, I want out.

- What do you mean?
- I went too far too soon.

I didn't know
what I was getting into, Ted.

I didn't know you had to follow up
a good idea with loads more.

I'm sorry, Ted, I'm going to sleep
in the spare room.

- Dougal!
- I'm sorry!

I've sheltered you for 50 years,
you've never even made me tea.

(German accent) You make the tea,
I do the washing up.

When did you do the washing up?

I did it for the whole of 1947!

And again in 1973.

You liar! You broke all the plates
and then went,

"I am so tired, I never
had to wash up in the Wehrmacht."

- Never!
- I'm going to take a Valium.

- Me too.
- Why must you ape everything I do?

Wait! These aren't Valium!

These are the cyanide
we kept for emergencies!

You put cyanide next to the Valium,
that's asking for trouble!

- Shut up.
- We've only got 15 seconds to live!

- That is just fine by me.
- Good. Fine by me too.

- Good, I'm glad it is.
- I'm glad you're glad.

Holy Mary Mother of God,
Jesus and His Blessed Saints.

Oh, Holy Mary...

I'm cured!

What happened, Mrs Doyle?

I stepped on the hamster's bike
and fell down the stairs.

Dougal, I told you
to put that away safely.

I did, Ted.
I put it back in the cage.

Oh, no, no. Don't worry, Father.
It's great, I feel fantastic.

I'd forgotten I can turn my head
right around like this!

That stuff from Habit Hat
arrives today

so when it comes give Father Jack...
Where is Jack?

- I think he's up the chimney.
- Right...

- Will I burn him out?
- No!

The smoke would back up,
it'd be all over the house.

Anyway, when that stuff comes,
put it all up, all the...

new rugs...and the things
for the chairs and...

It's your thing really.

I wouldn't know about that
because I'm a man.

Anyway, we're off to celebrate
Craggy Island's ethnic diversity.

( # Carl Douglas: kung Fu Fighting)

(Applause )

Welcome. Willkommen. Bienvenu.

It's a great honour
and privilege for me

to present this celebration
of the diverse cultures

that exist on Craggy Island.

Namely, Chinese people
and people from Craggy Island.

I've prepared
a short slide presentation

which reflects
this multicultural mix.

So, without further ado
let's start the show.

He visited the Island
a few years ago,

I forget his name now but...
I got on very well with him.

I just thought I'd throw that in.

Will there be any free drink at this?

Yes, a limited supply
of free drink afterwards.

The Great Wall Of China,
a miracle of Chinese engineering.

So big you can see it
from anywhere in the world.

Chairman Mao, secretary
of the Communist Party of China,

the world's biggest Communist party,
and in my view, the best.

Mr Miyagi from The karate kid.

My favourite film,
not because of the karate kid,

but because of Mr Miyagi.

Every day, I remember some of
his many words of wisdom.

kato! Where would
he spring from next?

The Maori.

I'm sorry,
I don't know how that got in there.

Of course,
there are no Maoris on Craggy Island.

Ming the Merciless.

And best of all,
the Chinese people themselves.

Look at them, aren't they great?

The Chinese. A great bunch of lads.

I think we've addressed
all aspects of Chinese culture

and I'd like to thank you all
for coming here tonight

and if you'd like to,
we can have a bit of an old chat.

Well, the slide show
was a big pile of crap.

But the free drink...
very much appreciated.

Thank you, Father Crilly.

I just wanted to clear things up.

I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest.

Fascists dress in black and tell
people what to do, whereas priests...

- More drink!
- (Cheers )

Er, anywhere there.

Would you like a cup of tea?

No, thanks.
I have an allergic reaction to it.

It's very rare. If I drink tea,
there's a 70% chance I'll die.

I'll make you a cup anyway...
in case you change your mind.

No. Thanks anyway.

To China!

(Cheers )

To Craggy Island!

(Cheers )

- More drink!
- (Cheers )

Sorry, the bar's closed.

(Cheers )

Everyone come back to my place
for a drink.

(Cheers )

I need the toilet first.

(Cheers )

(Cheers )

Mrs Doyle, we have guests.

Did that stuff arrive?

Yes, and I put it all up
in less than an hour.

- There was this letter.
- Letter?

"Father Crilly, on the instructions

"of our recently deceased client,
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick,

"here are some items
he specified you should have

"in the event of his death."

(Bell tinkling)

I can explain everything.

Actually, no, I can't.

(Telephone rings )

- Hello?
- Uh, sorry again...

and have you opened that present yet?

No, looking forward to it though.

A year's supply of whisky!
How very generous!

Yes, the problem there is, you see,
there's been a change of plan.