01x06 - Bowie

[bunniefuu]

Okay, band meeting.
Jemaine?

Yes.

Yes. Bret?

No.

What do
you mean no?

- I'm not here.
- You're not here?

- No.
- Where are you?

No, I was just joking.

You're obviously here so
I'm putting you down...

- Yeah, get on.
- All right.

Murray, present.

Okay.

Item one:
Roll call.

Now I've got a sense
that you guys

aren't really up
for the roll call anymore.

Well, I thought
we had to do it.

Officially we do.

But I could just
bypass it.

We'll just look and see
that you're here and carry on.

We're always in the band meetings...
we're the band.

But there's been a couple of times where
you haven't been here.

All right? And I've put
you down as "absent"

and I've just carried on
with the meeting.

We're at a band meeting.
We haven't been here?

- Yeah, twice. I mean...
- When?

Well, it doesn't matter when.
They didn't go very well.

Item two,

band photos.

Now we need to get
some better photos done

so that the American media
can take us seriously, all right?

Put us in magazines,
leaflets, that sort of thing.

We've got
a good photo.

We've got a photo,
but it's not good enough.

I mean, look.
This one.

- I like that one.
- It's a good photo.

But I've had to circle
where you two are.

I mean, who are all
these other people?

- Well, that's Gemma's 21st.
- Right.

- That's her birthday.
- That's not me.

- Oh no, that's Nick.
- Is that not you?

- No.
- No, that's Lucas.

You've circled Lucas and Nick.

- Who are they?
- They're my cousins.

- Where are you?
- I think I took this photo.

- Yeah, I took it.
- So you're not in it?

No, neither of us
are in it.

- It's got a good energy.
- I know, I tell people that,

but they want to know
which ones are you,

and I'm trying
to point you out.

Have you got
any other photos?

We've got one more.
This one's just bizarre.

It's a photo of Jemaine
with his ex-girlfriend Clea.

But it's got a photo of Bret
superimposed over the head.

- It's a wee bit strange.
- Where did you get that?

I made it.
I made this one.

You can't take my personal photos
and stick other people's heads over...

I loved that photo.

So those are you options.
All right?

I mean, this one here,
you're not in.

And this one here
you're in,

but you shouldn't be.

So my point is,
what we need to do

is what's called a...

photo sh**t.

Okay?

Okay.

A bit more movement,
you're too up and down.

Move your arms about.

A bit more natural.
That's good.

Can I have a look
in the camera, Murray?

No, this is New Zealand
government property.

It's a passport camera.
Only Greg can touch it... eh, Greg?

- Uh, yeah.
- I can't even touch it.

That's good, Bret.

Jemaine, you look
depressed. Smile.

- I'm supposed to, I'm in a band.
- Who wants to hear a sad band?

This is the cool
look for a band.

But what about your hands in the air
and smile?

No that's not
what bands do.

Bands don't put their arms in
the air and smile.

I've seen that. I've seen musicians
do that.

- That's gymnasts, Murray.
- Is it?

Yes.

Greg, is is musicians
or gymnasts that?

- Gymnasts.
- When they...

okay, it looks weird.

Um, Bret, you look
quite small.

It looks sort of like
trick photography.

- It's Bret's fault.
- It's like "Lord of the Rings."

Jemaine, you look like an ogre
that works in the library.

Yeah, I think it's your fault, Bret.
You're just too small.

Bret, do you, uh,
do you like penguins?

Yeah... no.

Sometimes I'm glad that we don't live
in New Zealand anymore.

'Cause of all
those penguins.

- Remember how there'd be penguins?
- Yeah.

Bret, I'm kind of doing
all the work in this conversation.

- What's wrong?
- I'm feeling a bit body conscious.

- What do you mean, "body conscious"?
- I just feel very small.

After the photo sh**t, I was a lot
smaller than I thought I was.

- Are you bulimic or something?
- No.

I just feel like...

you know, all these novelty
musicians are a lot bigger than me.

- Is that what's made you bulimic?
- No.

I just need
to eat more.

Mm.
Sounds like bulimia.

I'm not bulimic.

Hey, Bret, do you remember that time
after your mom's 60th birthday,

- how you got really drunk?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I think I heard you
in the bathroom afterwards

being a little bit
bulimic.

What I really need is just some...
just some compliments, I think.

You could give me some compliments.
That would do it.

- You want me to give you a compliment?
- That'd be great, yeah.

I'm not gonna give you compliments.
It'd be weird.

Yeah, it might be
a bit weird.

Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna go to bed.

Bret? Bret?

- Bret!
- Jemaine?

- What are you doing?
- It's not Jemaine.

It's 1972 David Bowie
from the Ziggy Stardust tour.

Wow, you look a lot
like Jemaine.

No, I'm David Bowie.

Mm, what are you
doing in my room?

This is a dream, Bret.

It's all part
of your freaky dream.

- Oh, right.
- Am I freaking you out, Bret?

- Is this a freaky dream?
- I've had some pretty freaky dreams.

- Have you?
- I had one where I was a guinea pig,

but with my face.

And I had another one
where I was a...

I was a giraffe,
but then...

Yeah, okay. Listen, Bret,
I don't have much time, man.

I'm just here to tell you don't worry
about your body image.

People used to give me crap about
being thin all the time.

But I just broke through
their false barriers.

What about the novelty-music
paparazzi?

Oh, the media monkeys
and the junket junkies

will invite you to
the plastic pantomime.

Throw their invites away.

I'm not really sure what you're
talking about.

I want to give you
one more piece of advice.

Get an eye patch, man.

- I'm sorry?
- Get an eye patch.

Oh yeah,
I've got an eye patch.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

- Wear it.
- Okay.

♪ Wear the eye
patch, Bret ♪

♪ Wear the funky
funky eye patch. ♪

- Bye, Bret.
- Bye-bye, David Bowie.

- Heed my advice, wear the eye patch.
- Watch out for the table!

Sorry about the table, Bret.

No no, he's not a midget.
He's just... he's thin.

Okay? And then the other one's
slightly bigger,

so there's two
different sizes there.

There's the full range.
Yeah.

- Okay, see you soon.
- Hey, Murray.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Murray.

Check this out.

What is it?

It's the latest copy of
"Novelty Hit-Makers" Magazine.

Page eight,
I've bookmarked it there.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

- Oh, that's us.
- That's right.

We're in it. Did you stick that
on there?

- No, it's real, Jemaine.
- Wow.

- Bret, what's wrong with your eye?
- Hmm?

Oh nothing's wrong with it.
This is my new look.

- New look?
- Yeah.

If you're gonna be cool,
why don't you just have a goatee?

- This photo... looks silly.
- Silly?

You look silly now. That's a good
photo... what do you mean?

- Bret's bulimic.
- What? No, I'm not.

- Are you?
- No. I had some body-image issues,

but I'm all good now.

Well, that's not
really my business,

that's sort of regarded
as personal business.

All right? I'm dealing with
the business side of things.

Like that photo.
That's got us some heat.

We've got a big meeting
coming up.

Is it a major record label
or something?

No, it's the next best thing. It's
a company that sells greeting cards.

- Greeting cards?
- Mm.

But you know those ones that
open up and they have a tune in them?

Where does it
come from?

You don't know. It's in the card
somewhere.

- It's not an album?
- No.

That's the whole thing.
It's a secret. Only they know.

- They put a tape in there?
- No.

It's a magic card
with music in it,

and they want us to be
part of their magic cards.

So just from here on
what I think we should do

is just keep cool heads.
Bret,

all right,
don't be bulimic;

Jemaine, you know,
look after Bret;

and me, just don't
blow this one, I guess.

- Mmm.
- So all of us, let's rock it out.

Is that a music term,
"Rock it out"?

Yeah, that's one.

Okay.
Oh heavens.

You know how you tend to prefer me
out of me and Bret?

- No.
- Yeah, when you see us,

you just flirt a little bit more
with me.

A tiny... sorry, Doug.

It's fine.

- Happy anniversary, by the way.
- Thanks.

- Happy anniversary.
- Thanks, Jemaine.

- You know, you'd prefer me?
- Yes...

- Right?
- Yeah?

Yeah well, just pretend
you prefer Bret.

Okay.

Give him
some compliments.

Say, like,
"You look hot," or...

l-I don't really know,
it's not my forte.

Okay, I can do that. It'll be like our
secret plan together.

Exactly, thanks.
It'll just help him

with a medical condition
that he's got.

I'd compliment him myself but I think it
might be gay.

Oh no, that's not gay
at all.

- Isn't it?
- Oh no.

To tell a friend he looks good?
No, that's not gay.

Maybe I will.

I mean, if you two were to make love,
that would be gay.

Yeah, that would be...
that would be gay.

Two men, touching
each other physically

and emotionally.

Erotically caressing
each other on the...

- Yeah, that sounds more...
...hood of a car...

Hey, thanks for
your help anyway.

...in the back
of a movie theater.

Hey, Mel, what do you do here,
at university, I was wondering.

Oh, I'm the junior
professor of psychology.

Huh.

What do you
do here, Doug?

I was the senior professor
of psychology.

But I was fired.

And now I just
hang around here.

Hey, Bret?

Oh hey, man.
How's it going?

Your beard is good.

It's just a compliment
for you... your beard.

Just a compliment about
your beard being good.

- Thank you.
- And also I have another one here:

You're good at finding
shortcuts around this part of town.

I appreciate that.

Would it be gay
to write you a song

to cheer you up?

No.

It's called, "Bret,
you got it going on."

♪ Hey there, Bret,
I see you looking down ♪

♪ Don't want to see
my little buddy down with a frown ♪

♪ Just because I get
more women than you ♪

♪ Well, that's only because
they don't know you like I do ♪

♪ Sure you're weedy
and kinda shy ♪

♪ But some girlie out there must
be needy for a weedy shy guy ♪

♪ They want you as their needle
when they're rolling in the hay ♪

♪ Just hear me out
when I say ♪

♪ Bret, you've got it
going on ♪

♪ The ladies will get
to know your sexuality ♪

♪ When they get to know
your personality ♪

♪ I said, Bret,
you've got it going on ♪

♪ Not in a gay way, just in a hey, man,
I wanted to say ♪

♪ That you're looking okay, man,
why can't a heterosexual guy ♪

♪ Tell a heterosexual guy
that he thinks his booty is fly? ♪

♪ Not all the time,
obviously ♪

♪ Just when he's got a problem
with his self-esteem ♪

♪ Don't let anybody tell you
you're not hump-able ♪

♪ Because you're bump-able ♪

♪ Well, I hope this doesn't make you
feel uncomfortable ♪

♪ If I say you gotta
boom-ow-ow, come on, Bret ♪

♪ Help me out now,
Bret, you've got it going on ♪

♪ I got it going on ♪

♪ That's the conclusion
that I've come to ♪

♪ But that doesn't mean
that I want to bum you ♪

♪ Bret, you've got it
going on ♪

♪ I got it going on ♪

♪ No doubt about it,
we'd be getting crazy ♪

♪ If one of us was lucky enough to be
born a lady ♪

♪ Unh, if one of us
was a lady ♪

♪ And I was your man,
if I was your man ♪

♪ Well 'cause sometimes
it gets Ionely ♪

♪ And I nee-heed
a woman ♪

♪ And then I imagine
you with some bosoms ♪

♪ In fact one time
when we were touring ♪

♪ And I was really Ionely ♪

♪ And we were sharing
that twin room in the hotel ♪

♪ I put a wig on you
when you were sleeping ♪

♪ I put a wig on you...
you-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ And I just lay there
and spooned you ♪

♪ Oh, Bret,
you got it going on. ♪

So, hopefully that
made you feel better.

Can I please have
a look at the lyrics?

This is another one
of your weird songs, man.

In what way?

What is that about,
"Sometimes I put a wig on you

- when we're on tour"?
- Put a wig on you?

No. I didn't say
anything like that.

- Well, it's definitely a bit gay.
- What is?

Putting a wig on me
while I'm asleep.

I think sometimes you
hear what you want to hear.

It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man
and pretend they're a woman.

How could that be gay if you
were pretending they're a woman?

Not that I did it.

Bret? Bret?

Bret!

Hey, it's 1980
David Bowie,

from the music video
"Ashes to Ashes."

- Hey, David Bowie.
- Did you try out the eye patch?

Yeah, not so good.
Didn't work.

I lost my
depth perception.

- Oh no, did you?
- Yeah, I missed my chair.

- Oh God.
- Sat down and fell on the floor.

That's terrible.

And then I walked
into a door.

Actually,
come to think of it,

the same thing happened to me when
I wore an eye patch.

It was...
oh, it was always,

"Bowie's bumped
into a door."

- Hey, David Bowie?
- Yes, Bret?

Do you mind if I ask you
a personal question?

Of course, Bret.
That's what I'm here for.

Mm, if a friend of yours
puts a wig on you when he's Ionely,

pretends you're a woman,
is that gay?

He was pretending
you're a woman?

No, that's not gay.

Are you sure?

Totally fine.

Mm, okay.

Well, that's all.

Do you have any
other advice for me?

Yes.

It doesn't hurt to do something
absolutely outrageous.

- Like what?
- Well, you'll know what to do, Bret.

And you'll know exactly
when the time is right.

I don't know, I just
don't like them anymore.

- Penguins are great...
- Oh hey, guys.

- Hey, Mel.
- Hi.

Well, you're looking
good today, Bret.

- Very hot.
- Thank you.

Oh, that's nice
of Mel to say...

- Hotter than Jemaine.
- Oh, thanks, Mel.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's really kind.

- Oh yeah.
- That's a nice compliment for you.

Yes, it is,
isn't it?

You have a refined
bone structure

whereas Jemaine's
facial features

are too deep-set to be
classically handsome.

- Thank you.
- Oh.

- You're a better singer too.
- Thanks, Mel.

Yeah, Jemaine's often flat,
but you are always on-key

every time I come
to your shows.

- Thank you.
- That's not... that's not true.

You're also really
really deep and passionate.

- You know, like, you think...
- Hey, Mel... don't you have to...

- That's really nice.
- I can see it in your lyrics.

- Hey!
- What?

- Shh, that's enough now.
- Oh, all right.

Well, I have a lot more
to say on that though.

No, I don't
think you do.

I think you probably
have to go somewhere now.

- Thank you.
- Oh yes,

I do have to go
somewhere.

- It was great to see you, Mel.
- You too.

Oh God,
you're glowing today.

- You're glowing.
- Thanks, Mel, I appreciate it.

- See you later, bye.
- See you.

What's her problem?

- She was just being nice.
- Yeah well...

she went a bit far.

Do you think my facial features
are too deep-set

to be considered
classically handsome?

- That's what she said.
- I don't really know.

- Be honest.
- I've got no idea.

Bret, Bret,
uncross your legs.

Bret.

That's funky.

- I like that.
- Thank you, yes.

Yeah, that's a fun card.

Ah.

Where does the music
come from?

There's a small chip
and speaker set

that goes into the back
of the card.

Is it a CD?

No, it's more like a...

a chip and speaker set
that we...

it's very small and it's
about the size of your thumbnail

and we just put it right
inside the back of the card.

Like headphones?

No, this is
a computer chip

that's devoted really
to one function only...

the playing of the song
when we open the card...

and then, I guess you could
say its second function

is turning off
at this point.

Like a Walkman.

No it's not...
not like a Walkman at all.

Good.

- Um, Mr. Armstrong?
- Please call me David.

- Okay, David.
- Thank you.

Um, David, when will
this meeting actually begin?

Well it's, um...
it has begun.

They didn't do
a roll call.

You know, I believe
in potential.

It's hard to define,
but I know it when I see it,

and I see it
in you guys.

Thank you, David.
I know what you mean.

Good.
We love the track.

We'd like to include it
in a card we're working on.

It's a kind of futuristic
birthday card.

Wow, yes,
that'd be great.

And we're going to pay you
1? per card.

How many cards would you
look at manufacturing, David?

Depending on demand,
we might make as many as...

- half a million.
- Woah... we're talking serious money.

Yes, we're talking
serious money,

and a lot of it too,
if we can work together.

I mean, I really need to know these
guys. What are they all about?

Yep, okay.
Well, Bret,

talk about yourself.

Oh well, um...
I'm... I'm Bret.

Yeah?

- What else?
- You're the smaller one.

He's the smaller one
of the two.

He's... you're
into animals.

Um, you were
bulimic recently.

- I wasn't... I wasn't bulimic.
- He's not now, he's fine now.

- I'm not bulimic.
- Little touch of that.

- I wasn't bulimic.
- It's cleared up.

And, Jemaine,
he's the ladies' man.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

You said the girls
like you.

I've lost confidence now.
Completely lost confidence.

He's just acting depressed 'cause he
thinks it's cool.

I'm gonna interrupt
you now, for a moment,

because it seems to me
that maybe...

you're not that interested
in having one of your songs

appear in our
greeting card, so...

We are interested, and I'm really sorry
about these guys.

I hope they haven't
stuffed the whole thing up.

It's just that,
you know...

You'll know what to do, Bret.

And you'll know exactly
when the time is right.

Today they've just got
a different sort of...

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Waha!

Bret, what on earth was that?

I can't believe it.
It's outrageous.

Absolutely outrageous.
What were you thinking?

- I thought it would help.
- You thought that would help?

Oh my gosh.

That's illegal,
you know?

How could you do it?

I thought it would
make us more memorable.

Were there supposed to be
lightning bolts on the side of it?

- Yeah, looked pretty good, eh?
- Mm.

What are you talking about?
It didn't work.

The whole thing
was stupid!

Well, it wasn't my idea,
Murray.

David Bowie told me
to do it in a dream.

Oh yeah, right, Bret.
David Bowie in a dream.

- Yes.
- What are you talking about?

That's typical of you.
Major money.

Something else
will come up.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm not cut out
for band management.

It's not you, Murray.
You're good.

I think it's my fault.
That's all I'm saying.

If I was a better manager,
I could have changed this

or turned it
into something positive.

I could have stopped you
before you revealed it,

or turned it into
some sort of thing,

like I could have said it was a cultural
New Zealand greeting.

You know, we could
have all done it.

But I'm just not
quick enough on my feet.

Something else
will turn up.

Bret, Bret?

Bret!

It's 1986 David Bowie
from the movie "Labyrinth."

Yeah, I know.

So you showed your penis to the man
from the greeting-card company?

- That was your idea.
- I didn't mean something like that.

I only meant
something like...

I don't know,
wear makeup or...

I was wearing makeup.
I had lightning bolts on my wanger.

I meant on your face, Bret.
On your face.

So have you got
any more advice?

No, I don't have
any more advice.

I've given you
all of my good advice.

Actually, I've totally
lost confidence

in my ability to help people.
I'm useless.

Jemaine actually thinks that maybe
you're a figment of my imagination.

I might as well be, Bret.
I might as well be.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, Bret,

- I have to go.
- Where are you going?

I'm going to a party.
I'm already 20 minutes late.

Sounds cool.
Where's the party?

In space, Bret.
In space.

- Space?
- Yeah.

It is quite freaky,
isn't it, Bret?

Yeah... no.

- Goodbye, Bret.
- See you, Bowie.

♪ Bowie's in space ♪

♪ Bowie's in space ♪

♪ What you doin'
out there, man? ♪

♪ That's pretty freaky,
Bowie ♪

♪ Isn't it cold
out in space, Bowie? ♪

♪ Do you want to borrow
my jumper, Bowie? ♪

♪ Does the space cold make your
nipples go pointy, Bowie? ♪

♪ Do you use your
pointy nipples ♪

♪ As telescopic antennae
to transmit data back to Earth? ♪

♪ Bet you do,
you freaky old bastard, you ♪

♪ Hey, Bowie? Do you have one really
funky sequined space suit ♪

♪ Or do you have several
ch-changes? ♪

♪ Do you smoke grass
out in space, Bowie? ♪

♪ Or do they smoke... ♪

♪ AstroTurf? ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Receiving transmission ♪

♪ From David Bowie's
nipple antennae ♪

♪ Do you read me,
Lieutenant Bowie? ♪

♪ This is Bowie to Bowie ♪

♪ Do you hear me
out there, man? ♪

♪ This is Bowie
back to Bowie ♪

♪ I read you
loud and clear, man ♪

♪ Hoo yeah, man ♪

♪ Your signal's weak
on my radar screen ♪

♪ How far out
are you, man? ♪

♪ I'm pretty far out ♪

♪ That's pretty
far out, man ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh hoo ♪

♪ I'm orbiting Pluto ♪

♪ Ooh ah ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Drawn in by its
"groovatational" ♪

♪ Groovatational pull ♪

♪ I'm jamming out
with the Mick Jaggernauts ♪

♪ So and I think
it's pretty cool, man ♪

♪ Oh-ah! ♪

♪ Are you okay, Bowie? ♪

♪ What was that sound? ♪

♪ I don't know, man,
I have to turn my ship around ♪

♪ Ooh, it's
the craziest thing ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm picking it up
on my L.S.D. Screen ♪

♪ Can you see
the stratosphere ringing? ♪

♪ To the choir ♪

♪ of "Afronauts" singing ♪

♪ Bowie's in... ♪

♪ Space. ♪

So I'm guessing like,
if David Bowie isn't that confident,

then maybe... maybe most people
aren't that confident?

Which means... I'm not gonna worry
about being confident.

Yeah, we don't need to worry about
being confident.

- Yeah...
- But it's not really him though.

- I know...
- It's a dream.

- I know but...
- It's your dream.

I know it's my dream but you'd
still think he'd be more confident.

Yeah, can I have
your biscuit, Bret?

Help yourself. I'm not eating anymore.
I'm a bit too fat.

- Hey, Murray.
- Hey guys, guess what's in my hand.

- Um...
- A biscuit?

No, not even close.

- Jemaine?
- Another kind of biscuit?

No, I haven't got
a biscuit, have I?

I said no biscuit. It's not gonna be
another kind, is it?

- Is it a really big biscuit?
- It's not a biscuit!

I don't know, you know
I'm not very imaginative.

You've ruined this game.
I'll just show you.

Ah, that's flippin' awesome.

Listen.

- Listen to that.
- But I thought they weren't gonna?

No, Mr. Armstrong said
he admired Bret's balls.

He thought we'd like to see
the prototype of the new card.

So can I get you a drink?
I think we can afford it.

Are they printing
half a million cards?

No, they're only making 50. It's not
a very popular design.

But we've got 50?,
so how much are your coffees?

- 60?.
- Can I get a copy of that, Murray?

No no, 'cause that would
cost more than 50?,

and then we'd... we'd be down, wouldn't
we? The whole thing would be a waste.

Can I borrow it
for a bit?

You can have it for one night,
but don't send it to anyone.

How do they get
the music in there?

It's very technical. Did you hear
what he was talking about?

It's a computer chip
with a speaker attached.

- There's a thing in there.
- Pretty much like a Walkman.