18x13 - School Of Hard Knocks

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Sunshine Of Your Love' by Cream

♪ It's getting near dawn

g*nsh*t

♪ When lights close their tired eyes... ♪

g*nshots

-Nice sh**ting. - Not bad.

You want to see the books?

Just for the record.

Give me five minutes, you two.

Don't move a muscle till I say.

Can we borrow that for a minute?

Yep.

Everything in order, as I'd expect.

We don't take chances.

Some of the cadets can be dozy beggars.

Easy for a*mo to go missing.

You happy?

Perfectly.

So what news on the transport front?

Well, I'm still trying to get a discount from British Rail.

It doesn't help when some don't want breakfast.

What's the point of a restaurant car

if we don't have the breakfast?

-Everyone to his own, Oscar. - Not in this case, Alf.

A group outing or nothing. Breakfast for all.

I've got some good news.

I've talked to Lord Ashfordly about getting in

to see the Houses of Parliament.

He's agreedto get us in and give us a tour.

-Hello, hello. - What do you want?

-Come back to the bar. - They're having a meeting.

The Three Stooges?

We're doing this for your benefit.

Oh, yes?

Well, nobody's asked me what I want to do in London.

You'll be doing what everyone else is doing.

That's all right, as long as we're all having us tea

in one of them posh hotels.

You know, China tea cups,

little fancies on a cake stand,

and sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

If you don't put some money in the kitty soon,

you won't be going anywhere.

I'm well aware of my cash shortfall,

thank you, Alf.

I'm owed plenty.

It's getting paid that's my problem.

Buy her a drink, Alf, for goodness' sake

or we'll never get on.

Quiet, please.

Quiet!

All right, in you go.

Excuse me, miss. I need the toilet.

You've had all break to deal with that.

I forgot, miss.

Don't be ridiculous. You're not a five-year-old.

-No, miss. I'll have to go. - Inside.

- No, come on please. - In!

ENGINE STOPS

'Ey!

GIRL:"Thou art as wise, as thou art beautiful.

BOY: "Not so neither, but if I had wit enough

to get out of this wood,

I have enough to serve mine own turn."

GIRL: "Out of this wood do not desire to go.

Thou shalt remain here, whether thou wilt or no.

I am a spirit of no common rate..."

Ergh! Miss, miss, you stood in it.

-What is it now? - I did ask.

Can I move, miss?

No, sit down.

Sit down and be quiet!

Sit down!

DAVID: This is smashing, Aunt Peg.

It's good wholesome food, David.

Better than you get in some parts.

You'd have to settle for nibbles

in a place like London.

-Nibbles? - Little bits of things.

Foreign some of them.

A big lad like you would never get full.

I wouldn't know. I've never been.

It's not just the food.

It's the people. Millions of 'em.

Shoulder to shoulder in underground trains.

No room to breathe.

Trains that go underground.

Fantastic!

Not if you were stuck in 'em for hours on end.

And when you do finally get some daylight,

there's the traffic jams and choking smog.

No, David, I guarantee that London

is not your cup of tea.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Yes, yes. You're right.

That's to get somebody you trust to find out first.

Eh?

Somebody like me.

When I'm nearly paid up?

Oh, that's no problem.

Alf Ventress will just switch your funds to my account

and I'll reimburse you as and when.

Well...

I'll go to the foot of our apple and pears!

You what?

I wouldn't Adam and Eve it.

What are you talking about?

That's how cockneys talk.

- Who taught you that? - Well, never you mind.

If you think I'm going to be done up like a kipper,

you've another think coming.

A kipper!

WHISTLES

-I hear you're not eating? - No.

The dinner ladies were asking.

I'm not hungry.

First job in teaching, it can put you off your grub.

The boss shouldn't have given you C.

-It's four periods a week. - No matter.

It can knock your confidence.

The wasters don't want to learn.

You have the same trouble?

No.

What's the secret?

Fear. Hmm.

Hmm.

Look, I know these kids.

Some need carrots, others stick.

Just give me a name

and I promise they won't bother you again.

Well done, Gillian.

- So you're new here? - Yeah.

- How are you finding it? - Well, new job, new area.

It's all a bit strange, really.

John Wilson.

OK, John.

There. All done.

So where are you living?

I'm lodging in Ashfordly.

It's a bit grim, actually.

You should look in Aidensfield.

I could show you around if you're interested?

Thank you. That would be really helpful.

Mary Yates.

Quiet! Get changed.

Get the equipment out for circuits.

Bell? In here.

Sir?

Bend over the desk.

Do it.

-You know why, don't you? - No, sir.

I hear you wet yourself in class?

No, sir. It was a joke.

Is that right?

Well, let me see you laugh now, eh?

THWACK OF CRICKET BAT

Come on, lad, move it.

Quickly.

Come on!

Keep it moving!

Come on, lad, move!

That's it! Good lads!

BLOWS WHISTLE

OK, that'll do! Leave the apparatus out.

Go get showered and changed.

Quickly!

Not you, Bell.

-You can go round again. - Sir?

Did you want to join him, Whitaker?

No, sir.

Think I didn't see you backsliding?

Ropes. Climb. Come on.

Move it, Bell! Pick your feet up.

Run!

Now climb!

Come on, Bell. Put your back into it. Climb!

Come on! Higher!

You're useless, Bell! Right, next one. Move!

Come on, steps!

One, two!

Come on, Bell, put your back into it.

I've got all day, Bell!

Keep moving!

Quicker.

'Right, next one jump!'

Come on! Get over there, Bell.

That's it! And over! And round again!

Keep going! Come on, quicker!

That's it!

Come on, Bell. Right, over the horse!

Move, Bell!

Now, run! Run! Run!

We've got all day, Bell! Keep moving! Come on!

Come on, Bell! Put your back into it!

Right, press-ups! Move! Go! Now! Move!

Come on, move! We're not done yet, Bell.

One, two!

Come on! Nose to the floor!

Nose to the floor, Bell!

Come on, Bell, you big girl!

Get up, Bell!

OPERATOR: 'Emergency, which service?'

Ambulance.

Hello? Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were with somebody.

It's all right. Wendy's a friend, not a patient.

This is my neighbour, PC Mason.

Aidensfield's thin blue line.

Joe to my friends. Hello.

Hello.

Wendy's a new teacher at Ashfordly School.

I'm helping her to look for digs.

- In Aidensfield? - Possibly, yes.

Well, I'm sure you'll be made most welcome.

Was there something you wanted?

Oh, yes, a couple of your letters

- were misdirected to me. -Oh, thanks.

-That it? - Yes.

I'll let you get on.

- Nice to meet you, Wendy. - Nice to meet you, too.

Hmm.

David, do you keep leaving that barn door off the latch?

-No. - A ghost, I suppose?

Hmm.

I thought as much.

Ernie Dunn?

I've told you before about coming in here to kip!

It's breaking and entering.

Are you listening?

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, David!

David! Come quick!

Excuse me, nurse. Can I have a word?

Sure.

- Morning. - CAROL: Hi, Joe.

This is Paul.

His friend Gary Bell collapsed at school yesterday

and spent the night in Ashfordly General.

Is he all right?

He's being discharged this morning.

How can I help?

Paul told me what happened to Gary

and I think you should hear it, too.

Did the doctor say what he d*ed of?

-No. - Living rough, of course.

How old do you reckon he was?

He looked as if he were about .

But left a window open,

he'd be through it like a ten-year-old.

Have his parents made a complaint?

Gary won't tell them what really happened.

Why not?

He'd have to tell them about messing about in class.

They'd say he deserved it.

Come on. You'd better get off to school.

Not sure what we can do. It won't stop here.

You won't tell anyone I came?

No, course not.

You've got to say something.

The hospital doctor confirmed

that Gary had suffered serious bruising.

What Osgood did surely amounts to criminal as*ault?

However much I agree, my hands are tied.

It's an internal matter for the school.

But I'll see what I can do.

Gary!

Yeah?

PC Mason from Aidensfield.

The hospital said you'd be resting up today?

Tell my dad that.

Can you tell me what happened exactly?

I just felt dizzy.

Next thing I was in the ambulance.

The doctor tells me you'd sustained severe bruising.

- before you collapsed. - Yeah.

I hear that it was caused by your PE teacher.

You haven't told my dad that?

No, but perhaps you should.

And get earache as well as a sore backside?

Look, if an official complaint was made,

the head or the school governors

might do something about Mr Osgood.

They already know about him and do nowt.

I'm leaving soon, so just keep me out of it.

I understand Bell was discharged this morning.

No harm done?

If it had happened outside school,

we'd have viewed it as a serious as*ault.

We have over pupils here, constable.

The good, the bad and the middling.

With such a mixed bag discipline is essential,

especially among fifth formers,

like Bell who see no point in being here.

I appreciate that.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Ah, Jim, come in.

-This is PC Mason. -Mr Osgood.

He's here in connection with Bell's admission to hospital.

There's some suggestion

that he might have been treated a little too robustly?

Have the parents complained?

- No. - The boy?

No, but if a doctor or nurse

draws our attention to something,

we have a duty to ask questions.

I was just telling PC Mason,

we have no problems with discipline here.

We have problems, sir.

They just get snuffed out before they reach you.

Hmm, Jim's a sergeant in the TA.

A dab hand when it comes to managing young men.

Well, thank you for your comments, constable.

Rest assured, we'll bear them in mind.

I'll see myself out.

SIGHS

- Was it him? - Yep. Sometime last night.

- What's that? -Ernie Dunn. Found dead.

Peggy Armstrong rang first thing

- She'd found him in a barn. -Natural causes?

The doc seems to think so.

Should be glad he didn't die here,

given Younger's habit

of supplying a cell for the night.

He could be very plausible, sergeant.

MILLER: I, for one, won't mourn his passing.

At times, he could be a one-man, petty, crime wave.

Shame for Alf, though. He's lost a snout.

MILLER: What?

WETHERBY:Bernie let slip.

It's no secret, Alf, now he's passed away.

MILLER: Ernie Dunn was your snout?

Well, we did have contact now and again.

So did we, but we didn't pay him.

I never gave him more than a couple of bob.

Bed, board and a pension, courtesy of this station?

And did this information yield any results?

I'd have to think.

Wonderful. Who's identifying him?

-Relatives? - No one's sure he had any.

He didn't have any friends. Apart from these two.

So I'll leave it to you to find his next of kin.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

MUSIC: 'The Hunter' by Free

-Good Morning. - Oh, hello.

You look ready for anything.

-Well, that's our boast. - Is there something on today?

The Army Recruitment Officer's

coming to speak to the fifth form.

I'm doing a sh**ting demonstration

prior to the meeting.

So, how were C this morning?

-Fine. - Bit subdued?

Not surprising after what happened.

To Bell? Forget it. Just be grateful, that's all.

Yeah, I am.

I thought you and I might go for a drink.

Get to know one another better.

That would be nice, Jim,

but I'm snowed under with marking.

Long time since I heard that one.

Truthfully, I am.

Look, I've got to supervise detention after school,

which gives you a couple of hours

before I pick you up.

And not another word. All right? See you later.

So what's going on?

It seems that Mr Osgood punished a boy so harshly

that he collapsed and he ended up in hospital.

Have his parents made a complaint?

No. The medics drew my attention to it.

I know Osgood.

It's possible he overstepped the mark on this occasion,

but he has a good reputation

for licking young tearaways into shape.

By creating a climate of fear?

That's for the headmaster and the school governors

to judge, not us.

DOOR OPENS

You're a liar. You fancy her like mad.

Not as much those losers

with their tongues hanging out.

Anyway, she's waiting for a rich bloke with a car.

You know, I reckon I saw her diary

among the pile in his confiscation cupboard?

Think how grateful she'd be if you got it back for her.

Got it back? How?

We break in.

-Break in? - Yeah.

He's had it coming to him. Are you with me?

-You're mental. - So are you.

On Linda Ford.

-Jim. - Sir?

The caretaker tells me you intend

to hold a sh**ting demonstration.

Yes, sir, before the recruiting officer comes.

Whet the boys' interest.

I'm sorry, Jim.

I'm totally against having weapons on school premises,

let alone discharging them.

I've always supported your careers meetings,

but I'm afraid I'm going

to have to draw the line at this.

Every time I go into that barn from now on.

I shall see him lying there.

Well, the way people have reacted to the news,

old Ernie won't be greatly missed, will he?

You reap what you sow in this life, Dawn.

Here's our spokeswoman.

-Sorry, am I late? - OSCAR: Spokeswoman?

Yeah, for us girlies.

To make sure we have a say on what we're gonna do in London.

It's all in the itinerary, Gina.

Can I have a look at that, Oscar?

Three hours at the Houses of Parliament?

Yes, well, it's a big place,

but I thought if we made good time

we could visit the Imperial w*r Museum.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of spare time, Oscar.

What do you want spare time for?

- Shopping, for example. - Hear, hear.

You're going to the capital city.

Can we not go shopping

while you're with Lord Ashfordly?

We said we would all stick together.

Yes, but can we be more flexible?

OSCAR: Let's have a vote.

All those in favour of a once-in-a-lifetime chance

to visit the mother of Parliaments?

Thank you, David.

All those that want to go shopping?

All right, I see.

Some people travel to broaden their minds,

others people just want

to bring back a stick of rock.

Meeting closed!

DAWN:Oh, dear.

Your teacher friend hasn't wasted much time.

She wants to watch her step with him, though.

MUSIC: 'I Can See For Miles' by The Who

It's in here.

You stay here. Keep watch.

♪ I know you deceived me

♪ Now, here's a surprise

♪ I know that you have cos there's magic in my eyes

♪ I can see for... ♪

CAR RADIO STOPS

JIM SIGHS

What's the matter?

Why are we here?

Have you enjoyed the evening?

Yes, thank you.

Same here.

I just didn't want it to end so early.

-Did you get it? - Yeah.

Oh, nice one.

And this.

What did you take that for? He'll have a fit.

-Yeah. - Take it back.

I mean it, Gary! Get rid!

DOG BARKS

No! Let's get out of here.

DOG BARKS

I told my landlady I'd be back.

Playing Mum, is she?

Sort of. Mustn't keep her up.

Hmm.

You should learn to relax more.

No, Jim.

What's the problem?

I was happy to come out for a drink, but that's all.

I've been a friend to you, haven't I?

Yes.Of course.

Friends usually show a little more appreciation.

I'm sorry.

Me too. I don't like to insist.

Can we go, please?

You're a lovely young woman, Wendy,

but much too buttoned up for your own good.

Stop this! I want to go home now!

You're not listening, are you?

-Get off me! - Don't be like that.

-Let go! -You'll get lost.

You're safer here with me.

WENDY SCREAMS

JIM:Hold still!

Stop struggling!

Ah, Jim.

Bad do. The caretaker called first thing.

Where did they get in?

Through the boiler room.

You might be able to tell what's gone.

Take a while. I don't keep a record.

What exactly does this cupboard hold?

It's a store for confiscated items.

And you give them back?

Eventually, yes.

But not the magazines. We destroy those, don't we?

Yes, I was collecting a batch to burn in the boiler.

Really?

Oh, come on.

My cheque was in the post the last time I called.

Look, we were a month

getting rid of mice in your flour store

and now two months waiting for payment.

What do you mean, they've come back?

Oh, not from stone-cold, they haven't.

Hel...?Hello?

He's cut me off!

Right, if that's how Draycott wants it,

it's time to play dirty.

Aunty Peggy, it's PC Younger.

He wants talk to you about Ernie Dunn.

- Oh? - Yes.

The coroner has accepted police identification of him,

but we've still got to inform any relatives.

I thought you might know if he had any.

Nay. He might have popped his clogs here,

but he never got them under my table

long enough to tell me his life story.

-You did give him a job. -Oh, don't remind me.

We were digging turnips.

Within half an hour he was asleep in the lorry

with all our butties inside him.

SIGHS

-An inside job? -Probably.

If it was, I hope we find the culprit before Osgood.

Why's that?

He's the unofficial school thug.

Lots of enemies, then?

Plenty, but not many with the guts to break in

and scatter his stash of smut.

- Oh, hello. - Yes?

Joe Mason. Carol introduced us.

Yes. I remember.

JOE:We're investigating the break-in.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Are you OK?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Yeah, I'm sorry. I have to go.

Yeah.Of course. Bye.

Are you trying to avoid me?

Why would I want to do that?

Things got out of hand last night.

I'm sorry. All right?

All right?

No, of course it's not all right.

Just leave me alone.

What did you tell PC Nosy Parker?

What's it got to do with you?

That's why I'm asking.

Best to keep last night to yourself.

- Or things might get out. -What?

People might find out who got me to rough up Gary Bell.

Fancy that on your CV?

Get away from me.

None of this would've happened

if you'd had a proper grip on your job.

- What do you mean? -The break-in.

My fault?

Who else but Bell?

-You're hurting me. - He's taken my g*n.

-What? - Yeah.

So, I suggest you shut your mouth

and mind your back.

TRIGGER CLICKS

There you go. Two sugars.

Thanks, Dawn.

So did Ernie ever say where he came from?

-Not to me. - No, nor me.

The only words I exchanged with Ernie Dunn

were usually short and sharp.

Accompanied by some very unladylike gestures,

if I remember.

It's awful to say it now, but he didn't half pong.

LAUGHTER

WETHERBY:So, you were there all evening?

-Yeah. - Doing what?

Playing records.

-Until when? - Until Paul's folks came in.

About half-ten.

JOE: You were playing records?

Yeah?

Can anyone confirm that?

Only my mum and dad.

They were in at the time?

No, but when they came back, Gary was still with me.

So from . to .,

it was just you two at home, playing records?

Cosy.

Why are you picking on me?

- You had a motive. - What's that, then?

Revenge.

JOE:'It was quite a laugh,'

scattering those magazines around.

What magazines?

You're a good mate,

but there are limits to friendship.

You could be getting yourself into a lot of trouble here.

Is he worth it?

-It was you, wasn't it? - What was?

Out!

DOOR CLOSES

If you've got what's mine, lad,

your life won't be worth living.

Hi? Come in.

- No school today? - It's lunchtime.

I thought I'd pop out and see you.

Fine. Has something happened?

There's been a break-in at the school.

The police were called and I bumped into Joe Mason.

I was very offhand with him.

- Any particular reason? - Not really.

I was flustered, I suppose.

I wondered, could you apologise for me?

Apologise for you?

Is that really what's bothering you?

You seemed fine when I saw you

in the pub last night.

What is it, Wendy? What's happened?

SOBS

Nothing stolen?

No, probably the kids

wanting to show him up as a dirty old man.

MILLER: Have you informed Scenes Of Crimes?

Yes, but they're not rushing.

Ashfordly police station.

-Any joy, Younger? - No, sergeant.

Not a trace.

Perhaps we should have another look

through Ernie's belongings?

A piece of string, some f*g butts and orange peel?

Be my guest.

We'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Sarge, that's Draycott's bakery.

Peggy Armstrong is blocking their entrance

with a load of horse manure and threatening to dump it.

Get over there, Wetherby.

You too, Younger.

Two of us, sergeant?

It could be very nasty if it hits the fan.

JOE: Oh, hello.

What can we do for you?

Is there somewhere we could talk?

Wendy Kelshaw came to see me.

She said she'd been offhand when she bumped into you.

Yes, she was a bit strange.

About to burst into tears. I must be losing my touch.

It wasn't you that upset her.

She went out for a drink with Jim Osgood.

On the way back he assaulted her.

She told you this?

After a lot of persuasion.

Why didn't she come here herself?

She's too scared.

She asked me not to tell anyone,

but this is too serious for me not to.

You've done right to tell me,

but unless she reports it we can't do anything.

This is her first job, Joe.

If she makes a complaint, he'll deny it.

There'll be an investigation, publicity, a scandal.

She'll come out more traumatised

than she is already.

SIGHS

What do you think you're doing?

PEGGY: I'm making a delivery.

-Of what? - What does it smell like?

Well, you're obstructing the entrance, so move.

As soon as Draycott's paid my bill.

You're holding up his delivery vans.

Well, it's his choice.

Either he coughs up

or I dump this little lot right here.

All right. I'll have a word with him.

'We can't have this, you know, David.'

Tried to talk her out of it. You know what's she's like.

Have you found any of Ernie Dunn's family yet?

Afraid not, no.

So what happens?

How do you mean?

Well, you know, who's going to arrange the funeral?

The Council, I expect.

What's it to be? My money or a pile of muck?

You know demanding money with menaces

is a criminal offence?

Why didn't you tell me that before?

Don't try this again, Mrs Armstrong. You hear?

Loud and clear, Constable Lovey!

g*nshots

Lost something, Mr Osgood?

I just wondered if I'd missed something, sergeant.

A g*n perhaps?

What?

Somebody's been trying to get hold of you from TA HQ.

-Oh, right. - A g*n has gone missing.

So naturally they called us.

Well, I'm sorry you've been troubled.

I took it to give the pupils a demonstration.

I meant to return it before it was missed.

The terms of the TA licence forbid firearms being taken

from the premises, other than for official operations.

- Guilty as charged. - WETHERBY: So where is it?

Safe at home. I'll deal with it straight after school.

MILLER: I'd like it dealt with now.

-Now? - PC Wetherby goes with you.

I'll square your absence with the headmaster.

Ahem. Erm...

Problem?

It's not there.

Then where is it?

I left it in the cupboard last night.

Get Scenes Of Crime right away.

You've been a fool, Mr Osgood.

And don't touch another thing!

SIGHS

Linda, Mr Osgood would like a word.

Quickly, please, thank you.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

No joy from the Scenes Of Crime officer.

There are too many different prints in Osgood's room.

Nothing fresh at the point of entry.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

That's the bell for the end of school, sarge.

Without a definite lead,

we'll have to leave it till tomorrow.

-Where is it? - What?

She said it was you who gave her the diary.

- I didn't break in. - Who, then?

Do you know what happens to a soldier

who loses his w*apon?

'He gets court-martialled.

There's no bigger crime in the Army.

Now, who was it?'

SOBS

Come on, tell me! Who was it?

SOBS

Who was it?

It were Gary! It were Gary!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

- You've got to stop him. - Who?

It'sOsgood. He's gone mad.

He knows Gary broke into school and got the g*n.

Get to the farm. He'll k*ll him.

Whoa, hang on.Tell me exactly what happened.

Gary?

-Hello. - Hello.

Could we talk?

In here.

I owe you an apology for what happened to you.

I told Mr Osgood

that you were a disruptive influence.

I had no idea he'd do what he did to you.

Yeah, well, he's known for it.

Perhaps someone should have warned me about him.

Anyway, I'm sorry I let you in for it.

My fault, I suppose, for playing the fool.

Apology accepted?

There's something else.

You know the police have been investigating a break-in?

Yeah?

Something was taken from Mr Osgood's room.

Something that makes it very serious.

I'd implore anyone who knew where it was to hand it over.

If you were that person,

I'd hate to think what might happen to you.

I'd have that on my conscience, as well.

My lips are sealed, Gary.

I promise you, nobody need know.

Thank you.

So, what's this? Bonnie and Clyde?

Give that to me and out.

Don't come any closer or I'll sh**t!

You'll sh**t? Little Miss Wet Weekend?

TRIGGER CLICKS

I'm serious.

This has got nothing to do with you.

It's between me and that little toe rag

hiding behind your skirt.

Keep back!

Do what she says!

You think this daft cow scares me?

JOE: Back off, Mr Osgood.

School kids are enough to put the wind up her.

It takes guts to pull a trigger.

JOE: Is that g*n loaded?

Yeah.

Just put the g*n down, Wendy.

He's not gonna hurt either of you again.

Give me the g*n. It's over.

For pity's sake, just take it!

Stupid, bitch!

JOE: Save your breath for the court!

There you are, then. That's me paid up.

Pity.

Now, what about the itinerary?

Don't think I haven't listened to what you've said.

And, I agree, I think

we should give the Imperial w*r Museum a miss.

And the Houses of Parliament?

No, Dawn.

I think it's important we pay respect

to our great traditions.

Like democratic freedom?

DAVID:Can I ask a question?

Yeah, course you can, David.

Right, it's about Ernie Dunn.

What's he got to do with our trip to London?

Well, nothing. It's just...

I was wondering, seeing as we're all together,

if anybody had heard about the funeral?

Er, no. Bernie?

Er, no. No idea.

It's the council that deals with pauper's funerals.

Right, then, can we get on?

I was just wondering.

You know he hasn't got any relatives.

I just wondered who might turn up.

Not now, David. You're holding up the meeting.

Look, I know that nobody liked him, really.

But he was part of our village.

Oh, aye, he made his mark on many a doorstep.

Well, I just think it's wrong

that nobody's there to see him off, that's all.

How much would a normal funeral cost, Bernie?

Depends. Why?

I was just wondering.

A no-frills affair would set you back about .

Oh, what we've got in our kitty.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

No one's suggesting we put our kitty

at the disposal of an undertaker

for the benefit of Ernie Dunn, are they?

ALF:Well, it's not exactly for his benefit, Oscar.

He's dead.

PEGGY: Now look what you've started?

-All I did-- - Shut up! You've said enough.

CAROL: He's right, though.

Ernie was part of the community,

for better or worse.

How could it be for the better?

Well, it would make us look good.

- That would be his gift. - Oh, aye, he's got a gift.

He had a gift for thieving, scrounging,malingering.

He conned us while he was alive.

Now he's trying to do it from the grave!

Well, come on, somebody. Say something!

All those in favour

of giving Ernie Dunn a decent send-off?

Oh, come on, Oscar.

-MILLER: The statements? - JOE:Yes, sarge.

I assume Osgood won't be pleading guilty.

I think that's a safe bet.

Let's hope when the time comes

Wendy Kelshaw will give evidence in court.

She seems determined to go through with it.

- The boy, too? - Yes, sarge.

You were right about Osgood.

Power without self-control makes for a dangerous beast.

But, with a bit of luck, this one

will be behind bars for a while.

Well, you look cheerful, considering.

Yeah, it's the glow

from knowing he did the right thing.

It were a champion funeral, it really were.

Heavily discounted, I hope.

Of course, there's a bit left in the kitty

to start the ball rolling again.

- I'll drink to that. - Here's to next year.

London or bust.

ALL: London or bust.

Right, quiet everyone for Mr Alf Ventress.

When Ernie Dunn were still alive,

folk said he were no good.

But now he's dead,

they've changed their tune.

He's called misunderstood.

But Ernie Dunn can hear them not,

for he's climbed that golden stair.

And when he come to t'golden gate,

he thunders, "Open there!"

So Saint Peter went to look in t'book,

he thought old Dunn would wait.

But when he came back, old Dunn were gone.

Aye, and so were t'golden gate!

LAUGHTER