18x02 - England Expects

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Everybody's Talking At Me' by Harry Nilsson

♪ Everybody's talking at me

♪ I don't hear a word they're saying

♪ Only the echoes of my mind

♪ People stopping staring

♪ I can't see their faces ♪

WOMAN:Albert Hallows. The Professor.

Prof.

Down for organised burglary on a big scale.

How did he escape from Armley?

He developed an infected gall bladder and was in pain.

Or so he said.

They admitted him to Leeds General for surgery.

And then the night before the operation...

Well, he... He walked.

What makes you think he'd come back here, sarge?

Maybe he hasn't. Maybe he's holed up in Leeds, but...

He told a cellmate he'd got a score to settle with us.

Sergeant Miller in particular. I'm not taking any chances.

DAWN: Ah, Mrs Jowett, what can I get you?

Oscar Blaketon, please.

Oh, crikey. Erm...Oscar's away.

What?

What's this?

A mess! That's what this is.

There's a big charity dinner dance on Friday.

I've been asked, formally, to represent the council.

It's rather an honour, actually.

Dawn promised me faithfully that Oscar would agree.

Agree to what?

I need a suitable escort.

Someone who will dignify the proceedings

and lead the dancing.

- He's on a golfing trip. - Don't worry, Mrs Jowett.

I'll find you another escort. Guide's honour.

If there are tickets left, why don't I organise a table?

It's been ages since I've had an excuse to dress up.

I'll be back later.

Could I have one of those tickets

for the dance, please, Gina?

Hmm.I never had you down as a dancing man!

I watch it on the telly.

I never miss it. My nan's dead keen too.

But she says I've got two left feet.

I could sort that out for you, Geoff.

Can you?

Yeah. I've been ballroom dancing since I was ten.

I'd love to teach you, Geoff.

I taught my Uncle Norman the foxtrot

and he had a false leg!

GROANS

- This is the man on the bus? -Yes.

- You're absolutely certain? - Yes.

We know he's in Aidensfield.

Won't take long to get him under lock and key.

MILLER: If he has a score to settle...

-An old man's ego talking. - He'll want us to look stupid.

You won't have time. We'll get him soon.

I'm starting a house-to-house.

I need everyone you can spare.

Younger's on leave at the moment but he's around.

I'll warn him he might be brought in.

GINA: B&B till Saturday? Yeah, we can do that.

-And the name is? - Terry Maxton.

It is Terry, i'nt it?

Mike Maxton's son!

It's Mrs Armstrong. Your dad's friend.

- Do you remember me? - No! Pretty Peggy?

-It can't be! - It is!

It's me! Ey, I'd forgotten he used to call me that.

- Happy days! - Pretty Peggy?

It were quite a while ago, David.

PEGGY: Heard you were in London, in business.

I've got a couple of shops. Things for the home, you know.

I'm actually on a buying trip.

I found this fantastic artist in Whitby.

So I thought I'd make a sentimental journey of it.

See if I could dig out some more local craftsmen.

What sort of things are you after?

Well, let me show you.

Now you might not believe it,

but this stuff fetches an absolute fortune

on the King's Road.

BOY IMITATING MACHINE g*n

Die, you double-crossing spy! Die!

IMITATES MACHINE g*n

Bang!

IMITATES MACHINE g*n

Pow!

Coming to find you!

GROANS

- Atchoo! - Gotcha!

WOMAN:Bill! Mickey! Tea!

Coming!

GINA: Mrs Jowett. What can I get you?

DAWN: I told you I'd find someone!

A man with a respected position in the community

who'd be honoured to escort you.

No. No, it's impossible.

I couldn't be seen with someone of no rank.

Er... Anyway, I'm old enough to be...

Well, his aunt anyway.

- I understand. It-- - DAWN: No, you don't, Geoff!

I'll be spending all day tomorrow on him.

I'll get him up to scratch.

He'll whirl you round like Lionel Blair, won't you?

Yes.

A brandy, please, Gina.

Are you an escaped convict?

CHUCKLES

A convict! That's a good one, sonny.

No, no. I'm just an old man.

Rather tired, who decided to have a rest in your barn.

I'll be on my way now.

I'll fetch Dad. He can drive you home.

Er... No, no. There's no need to go to any trouble.

And, er...

You don't need to mention this to anyone.

-Do you? - You can't fool us.

You're hiding, aren't you?

Are you a spy?

Clever boys!

You clever, clever boys!

Word's out in the village.

Wetherby and I have covered the Whitby Road.

I've got back-up officers coming in first thing.

We're gonna use the police house as a base.

Right. We need to know what he's thinking.

The slightest thing out of the ordinary, Mason.

The slightest thing.

DOOR CLOSES

- Are you a Russian? - Certainly not.

I'm a loyal subject of Her Majesty The Queen.

In fact, she sent me here.

Herself.In person.

It's very delicate.

Secret mission.

Is that why you're in your pyjamas?

Is this a disguise?

I am what is called a sleeper.

Have you got a codename?

Are you loyal subjects to Her Majesty?

Then I'm going out on a limb.

Men call me the Prof. Short for the Professor.

There's an ancient treasure belonging to the Queen

hidden somewhere round here.

And there's a reward for whoever helps me find it.

We could help you.

No, son. You haven't signed the official Secrets Act.

-We could though. - We could sign in blood.

Hm.

- No pen. - Hang on.

When you sign this, you will be an official agent

of Her Majesty, working with me.

It's a solemn oath.

You break the official Secrets Act,

you'll be hanged for high treason.

Good lads.

Now remember, England expects every man to do his duty.

PEGGY:You heard what Terry Maxton said.

Primitive pots are all the rage nowadays.

And we've still got that old kiln in the outhouse.

Deefer! Dig deep or you'll get...

-Come here! - Hang on.

-Oh! - David!

David! David!

Help!

Oh, no.

David! Help, David!

There's obviously plenty of clay left,

even if it has closed.

Ernie said we could take what we liked.

Come on! Start digging!

David!

Oh, David.

Are you all right?

Any luck finding the Prof?

Not so far.

BABY GURGLES

I remember him.

Phil helped put him away.

BLUBBERS

Hey, you're quite a hit, Don.

Kids seem to like me.

Well, while they're at this age, anyway.

So Gina, is... is everything...?

Look, Don, there's things you do

because you have to do them.

And things you do because they're fun.

So why don't I get us a cup of coffee and a cake?

And let's make this "you checking in on me"

something we both enjoy, eh?

It's Dad's best. He only wears it to weddings.

It's very good. You've done very well.

I'll let Her Majesty know.

-How? - Secret radio transmission.

- Can we see? - No.

But she's given me some interesting information

about the treasure.

It seems there's a map in Aidensfield

hidden in the home of somebody who's well off,

who is away at the moment.

An enemy agent.

There's an enemy agent in Aidensfield?

Our enemies are everywhere, .

We never know who.

It's never someone you suspect.

But it's usually somebody rich

and away at the time.

Our enemies are having a big meeting soon.

In Vladivostok.

Well, it's, erm, it's very good of you

to let us rehearse here, Mr Scripps.

Actually, Dawn didn't give me much choice.

We need the room if Geoff's gonna sweep me off my feet.

Right. Shall we start off with a basic waltz, then?

Right. Erm...

You're not going to be watching, are you, Mr Scripps?

Course not.

DAWN: Basics first. You put this arm on my back.

No, Geoff. That's my waist. Just a bit higher.

There we go. OK. Put your other arm like so.

Yeah, that's right. Are you ready?

OK, and... one...

You're the man, OK? Remember, you're in charge.

- Right. - Yeah?

-Yeah. - And again. You ready?

- And...Ow! - I'm sorry! Sorry! Oh, dear.

Sorry. It's not like this on "Come Dancing," is it?

I mean, they're all so...

Controlled.

So cool.

Geoff, relax. You're doing fine, OK?

And...

Well, that should keep you going for a while.

I'll drive. You two in the back.

PC Mason! Is something wrong?

Routine enquiries, Mrs Gracey.

Have you seen this man around at all?

No, sorry. But I've not been around much.

Sir Adrian's due back at the weekend

and I'm behind with the spring clean.

I'd like to check your outbuildings, if I may.

No, we don't usually lock it. The boys play in here a lot.

I'll just have a look around, if that's all right with you.

Who's there?

-Show yourself! - You'll never take us alive!

IMITATING MACHINE g*ns

-Bill! Mickey! - Come down here, you two.

I need to ask you something.

Have either of you seen this man

hanging around the village?

Near here maybe?

No, sorry. Never seen him before.

- JOE:No? - MICKEY: No.

JOE:OK.

Here you are, David. The potter's wheel.

Just like the interlude on telly!

I hope you're not expecting me to--

Well, I can't, can I?

I've got to go and get the glazes

and all the... thingies.

Come on. It's all in the book.

It can't be that hard.

Go on! Be inspired!

Oh! Oh!

It's no good.

Look, you're just trying too hard.

Close your eyes.

Right. Now really feel the music.

OK? Just feel it.

And again. Are you ready?

And...

One, two, three. One, two, three.

That's better, Geoff.

Round again.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

Round.

- Any luck? - Not yet.

But I'm glad you stopped. I've been looking for you.

There's this Italian in Whitby. The Sorrento.

- Heard it's really good. - Me too.

But isn't it really expensive?

What the hell? Let's live a little.

OK. Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks, Joe.

Oh, why don't you come to this dinner dance?

-Yeah. Yeah, if I can. - OK.

You cannot imagine the trouble I've had.

I had to go all the way to...

David!

They're...

They're... they're beautiful.

Mrs Halloran! Mrs Halloran!

Mum sent these. For your daughter.

Oh, that's sweet of her. June loves your mam's jam.

Thank her for me, will you?

And tell her I'll be back tomorrow.

BILL: She could be going to see her daughter.

Or she could be going to...

BOTH: Vladivostok!

♪ True love ♪

Yes!

Can we try one of the Latin dances?

Like the tango or the bossa nova?

You've got to be aggressive in the tango, Geoff.

You know, dominant, like a caged beast.

NEEDLE SLIDES

Rarr!

MUSIC STARTS

David, take your time. Steady!

That's it. It's a fine art, this.

"If the temperature is too low,

the glaze will not take.

If the temperature is too high,

then the pot will come out brittle."

That's about right.

Hey, David, that's a good job done!

We're in business!

What do you mean? You said this was a one-off.

Yeah, but obviously,

if Terry Maxton likes what we produce...

You said this was a one-off!

A couple of days' work, you said!

Good boy, Mickey.

Is this it?

I was expecting something grander.

You said it would be somewhere unexpected.

- Hm. -Look. A map, Prof, look!

Oh, yeah.

Well done, Mickey. A treasure map.

"Welcome to Scarborough"?

Right, you two cut along home.

I've got to do things you're not cleared to witness.

We'll rendezvous back at the barn after dark.

And take something for your trouble.

We can't do that. That's stealing.

This is an enemy house, remember?

Anything that weakens the enemy pleases HM.

See? Go on.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

THE PROF:Sparky, it's me.

Me, the Prof, you great pudding.

Eh? Oh, no.

It's hard to keep us criminal masterminds

incarcerated for long.

I'll be by in a day or two. I've got some stuff to shift.

Be ready. Ta-ra.

ENGINE IDLES

Are you OK?

BABY CRIES

Ssh! It's OK, baby! It's OK!

BABY CRIES

SONG: 'La Cumparsita'

Most... unexpected!

I thought I'd put your mind at rest.

My turn, I think.

Hate to break up the party, Geoff, but I need your help.

- House-to-house. - Yes, of course.

He's on leave!

Emergency. Sorry.

I hope this isn't going to happen tomorrow night!

PC Younger has a civic engagement!

I know she's the enemy.

- It's still stealing. - We were obeying orders.

SPITS

Yuk! It's plastic or something!

BILL LAUGHING

MICKEY: It wasn't the right map?

Don't be down-hearted. These things happen.

What we're looking for

is in a much bigger house somewhere.

Can you think of anyone, er, rich perhaps,

who's away at the moment?

There's Sir Adrian, I suppose.

At the manor. Mum does his cleaning.

The manor.

Davenport Manor. Mum's got keys.

This chimes with some other information I've got.

For Her Majesty's sake,

I must get into Davenport Manor as soon as possible.

Your mission is to get me the keys.

PHONE RINGS

Ashfordly police station.

How's it going with Dawn?

Oh, well, she says I have wonderful natural rhythm

and instinctive technique.

-Does she now? - Yeah.

Ey, you're in there.

Oh, no. I-I don't think she meant...

Did she?

Mrs Halloran. Chestnut Cottage.

She's been burgled.

BANGING

Everything all right?

I've had Mrs Chivers on the phone.

Says you were an hour late

picking her up from the station.

-I slept in. - That's not like you.

And something about hand prints.

All over her new white vanity case.

I've tried to clean them off and I've made things worse.

Blimey.

Been up most of the night making pots for Aunt Peggy!

She said it was gonna be a one-off.

But she's shown what I've done to that Mr Maxton

and he's ordered another dozen!

But by tonight!

And another two dozen every month.

-That's an awful lot. -I know.

And I hate the feeling of the clay.

It's all slimy and horrible.

You can't let it interfere with your work. Talk to her!

She's not gonna listen, is she?

My grandmother always used to say

ears are best opened by hand.

What does that mean, then?

I'm not altogether sure.

Mrs Halloran's burglary is a professional job.

It's all small stuff. Cash, jewellery.

Easily portable. Just Hallows's style.

But I don't know how a man in his condition

got in through the kitchen window.

I'll send in scenes of crime. Check for prints.

And two pieces of waxed fruit were taken.

Who has waxed fruit these days?

They were stolen in a burglary.

Mrs Halloran's pride and joy apparently.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Your ticket for the dinner dance.

-What's this? - A charity do.

At the Danes, tonight. There might be a spare--

No, no. I wouldn't want to cramp anyone's style.

It's looking less and less likely

I'll make it, Carol. Sorry.

Oh. That's a shame.

I'll leave the ticket with you anyway.

-And maybe see you tonight. - Thanks.

-What? - Nothing.

I was just wondering.

Which one of you gets to wear the uniform?

Maybe neither of us.

Hmm.

WHISTLES

Sorry I'm late. Had to wait for Mum to get back.

-Where's your brother? - Sick.

He's been throwing up all night. It's disgusting.Here.

The keys to the manor.

Big one, for the kitchen door. The little, for the alarm.

And your mum's car?

I'll go after dark. I'll stay here till then.

You'll stay schtum, won't you?

You can trust me, Prof.

Course I can.

You're a right little soldier of the Queen, ain't you?

You've been brought up to believe in it all.

SIGHS

The sickness will last about hours.

He'll feel ropey for about a week or so.

Keep him warm and give him lots of water.

I'll pop back tomorrow. Call if he seems to be worse.

Mickey...

where did you get this?

Thanks, Joe. You read my mind.

That was Scenes of Crime.

Hallows's prints are all over the cottage.

He wasn't being careful.

He thinks he's got nothing to lose.

There were children's fingerprints in the kitchen.

There haven't been kids in the house for years.

PHONE RINGS

Drink your tea. I'll get it.

Aidensfield police.

JOE:We don't think they're criminals.

They've got mixed up with someone who is.

The man we've been looking for.

They said they hadn't seen him.

They're honest boys.

Oh, Lord. What a mess.

- If we could have a word. - Mickey's ill in bed.

I've just got him to sleep. Jack's sitting with him.

I don't know where Bill is.

RACHEL: We'll want to conduct a thorough search

of the farm and outbuildings.

-I'm here! - Billy!

Go on, handcuff me! I broke into Mrs Halloran's.

I'm the one you're looking for.

Why did you break in?

This isn't a game, Bill.

Where's Albert Hallows?

Billy, talk to them.

We'll go to the station.

If you'd come with us.

Your husband can look after Mickey.

But I will need to question him in due course.

Mason, gather some officers and search the entire farm.

SIGHS

You're not nervous, are you?

Oh, no. No.

- More anticipatory.I think. - Oh.

Oh, my, my! You two do scrub up well.

-It's tight on me. - All them crisps you eat.

Keep your shawl on. No one will notice.

- GINA: Hey! - You look lovely, Gina.

Thank you, Bernie.

If you want to see lovely, just you wait.

What, have I put my lipstick on crooked or something?

Oh, Carol!

Bernie, are you all right?

Oh, take no notice. Beautiful women make him go silly.

Always have done.

Oh, Bernie!

Joe said he won't be able to make it. He's very sorry.

Oh.

Well! Don't we all look nice?

The mayoral car awaits.

-Geoffrey? - Er, right. Erm...

Well, shall we, Mrs Jowett?

Ask Geoffrey to dance.

He's an animal on the dancefloor.

Ooh!

Right, Alf. Are you sure you're gonna be OK?

Oh, don't fret.

Little Phil and I will get better acquainted.

-You go and enjoy yourself. - We will. See you later.

Don? Up here!

We can wait all day if we have to.

RACHEL: This man is a dangerous criminal.

If you know where he is, tell us.

Please, sweetheart.

What about you, Mrs Gracey?

Do you know the penalty for harbouring a criminal?

-I didn't know about it. - So you say.

But the evidence suggests otherwise.

I think you're in cahoots with Albert Hallows.

I think you're fencing the jewellery

he stole from Mrs Halloran.

-It's one big plot. - BILL: Stop it!

Leave her be! It's nothing to do with Mum.

Then tell us, Bill.

I can't.

-I can't. - Why not, son?

I promised the Prof.

We'll take that six over to Terry tonight.

Then we'll drop this new lot off in the morning.

We'll have to get another kiln.

We can't get much in this one.

There we are.

Come on, David.

David?

What's up with you? You're away with the fairies.

Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?

Ears are best opened by hand.

By heck, David!

I haven't heard anybody say that since before the w*r!

What does it mean?

Actions speak louder than words.

Summat like that.

Now come on! Let's get down that pub!

-Good evening. - Good evening.

GASPS

Go get 'em, tiger!

Good evening.

Over here!

The Prof is a criminal, Bill.

You're not bound by any promise.

Why did you break into Mrs Halloran's? Tell us that.

What are you afraid of, Billy?

- Don't want them to hang me! - What?

People aren't hanged any more, Bill.

They are for treason!

We signed the official Secrets Act.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

ENGINE STARTS

Oi!

GRUNTS

BEEPS

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Let me take you by the hand ♪

Oh ho ho! Happy birthday, Albert.

♪ Come on, sugar

♪ Let me take you by the hand ♪

MUSIC STARTS

He is a lovely little fella!

Yes, he is!

Now, Peggy, we don't want to give him nightmares.

Oh, he's not frightened.

He's laughing!

BABY CRIES

Peggy!

TERRY: Ah, there you are.

Oh, and there they are!

Six here. And more for you first thing.

I'll bring them over before you go.

Right. We'll settle up, then, shall we?

Now these...

Oh, yes. They're beautiful.

I don't suppose I could see your operation?

-I wouldn't call it-- - Well, why not, Terry?

In fact, why not now?

David will drive us over.

Right.

-Could you bring my hat? - PEGGY: Yes.

Burgling Mrs Halloran

is hardly rubbing our nose in it.

He's up to something else.

Maybe, but unless we can get the boy to talk...

The official Secrets Act, I ask you!

The official Secrets Act?

The boy thinks he's signed it.

He won't say a thing.

Would you let me talk to him?

That was wonderful, Geoffrey.

Made me feel again.

Really? Crikey.

-Shall we carry on? - You've done your duty.

No need to dance with me all evening,

not with all these pretty young girls here.

Unless you'd like to, of course.

I'll go and ask Dawn, then.

Oh, thank you.

You did really well, Geoff. Congratulations.

Thank you.

I know it's not a ladies' excuse-me,

but would you like to dance?

Er, er, yeah.

You were hungry, weren't you?

Can I nick a chip?

Mm, they're good.

I hate it when they're soggy, don't you?

Yeah.

Does the Prof like chips too?

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to pry.

It's hard, isn't it, once you've signed the Act?

I'm always getting muddled up

about what I can say and who I can say it to.

You've signed it too?

I shouldn't have said anything. Sorry.

Are you an agent, then?

Have you been looking for enemy spies?

In the police?

Yes, and I can tell you,

there are no traitors at this station.

BILL: Good.

Is there any news?

Has the Prof found the map?

You like her, don't you?

She's wonderful.

The way she's taught me to dance, I mean.

I think you should cut in.

Ooh, no.

No, I couldn't. Of course you could.

I think she'd like it.

Excuse me. Could I, erm...?

Thank you.

You'll have to make do with me, I'm afraid.

Hallows is at Davenport Manor.

He's got keys.Apparently, he's looking for treasure.

I bet he is.

Wetherby, radio all units.

Ooh! I'm exhausted!

Be a sweetheart and get us a drink, will you? G&T.

- Yeah, of course. - Thank you!

OK, let's split up. I'll take the ground floor.

Mason, the front of the house.

I'd give up if I were you.

THE PROF GROANS

GLASS SMASHING

GRUNTS

GROANS

Ohh!

All right, all right.

Ohh.

♪ The look of love

♪ Is in his eyes

♪ The look his smile can't disguise ♪

You're not going to sing any more, are you, Bernie?

You're right.

I'm not kidding. Hands were everywhere.

He was the same with me, pushy little blighter.

You're old enough to be his mother.

- I am not! -You know what I mean.

Just cos a man can move you round the floor,

he thinks he's got dibs on you.

I wouldn't touch the rump with a barge pole

if he was the last man in Yorkshire.

Oh, hello, Geoff. That was quick.

-Go after him, then! - Why?

Oh, he didn't think I meant him, did he?

Geoff!Geoff!

I wasn't talking about you.

I wasn't! I was moaning about that lech.

I-I like you. I feel safe with you.

Yeah.

Look, we're mates, aren't we? Good mates.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're mates.

I...

I really need to go to the gents' now, Dawn.

OK.

You couldn't resist, could you, Hallows?

Boasting. Pity it was a bit premature.

Oh, well. Here's to the next time.

I don't think so.

- What brought you back? - People like you, my dear.

And the look on your face right now. Smug.

Oh, so smug.

He had the same look on his face when I was sent down.

For years I've made coppers, good coppers,

look like mugs.

I couldn't let a provincial oaf put one over on me.

Would have worked if it hadn't been for my gall bladder.

We'd have caught you.

If you need to believe that, lady, you believe it.

I walked out of that hospital ward

and nobody looked at me twice.

I thought, "Right, time for a bit more fun."

A last hoorah.

A bit of fun? You corrupted two young boys.

Corrupted them? They had a wonderful time.

A whopping great adventure.

I don't want crime seen as an adventure.

But it is! Ohh...

THE PROF GROANS

All right, go on. Take me back to the hospital.

Patch me up, ready for next time.

But don't go pious on me! I did those kids no harm.

I'd like you to prove that.

ALARM BLARES

It is quite a small operation, Terry.

That way we can ensure that the quality is consistent.

Prof!

Why have they handcuffed you?

Oh, don't worry.

It's all part of the masterplan.

- How's ? - Still puking.

I've got a message for you.

From HM. She'd like to give you a medal

in recognition of your service.

But the treasure's still a secret.

I understand.Is it...?

Found? Yeah.

And you are now released from the official Secrets Act.

JOE: And Her Majesty requests that you tell the police

everything and anything that you know.

- BILL:I will. - I'd better go now.

I've got an appointment.

With the Queen?

Yes. I can safely say it will be Her Majesty's pleasure.

Here, David.

I tried to explain to Terry

that it was just a minor setback.

But he got quite rude.

Oh, I do hate it when folk won't listen!

Ah, well. You know what they say, Aunt Peg.

Ears are best opened by hand.

Too true, David.

SIGHS

Wow! You look amazing!

Oh, thanks. You missed quite a night.

Turns out Geoff is officially

the most eligible bachelor in Yorkshire.

- Yeah! - Geoff?

He's quite a man on the dance floor.

I hope you're as impressive.

I have a few moves that you might enjoy.

Oh, I've booked that table for us for Saturday night,

at the Italian in Whitby.

- I look forward to it. - Yeah, should be good.

- Fine food, good company. - Dark-eyed Italian waiters.

Oh? Oh, they're no competition for me.

No? Why is that, then?

Well, I could tell you, but erm...

Let's wait till Saturday. I'll show you instead.