17x08 - Only Make Believe

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss Stay in my memory? ♪

TRAIN WHISTLE

MUSIC: 'Anyone Who Had A Heart' by Cilla Black

♪ Anyone who ever loved

♪ Could look at me...

Excuse me, could you direct me

to the police house, Aidensfield, please?

Two stops. Conductor will see you right.

OK, thanks.

♪ And know I dream of you

♪ Knowing I love you so

♪ Anyone who had a heart would take me... ♪

Oscar! Watch the toast, I said. It's burnt!

I don't know how I'll manage without you.

Neither do I.

How did you sleep?

Oh, much better, thanks.

Would you mind if I stayed on for another couple of nights?

Oh, no, of course not. Who's looking after the dog?

He went back to Albert Fogarty.

I don't think he could stand the atmosphere.

Makes two of us.

There's always a place for you here, you know that.

Thanks, Oscar.

In fact, why don't you just move back?

Rent out the cottage.

Wouldn't you mind?

Don't be daft. Have a word with the estate agent.

Yeah, I will.

The way our district nurse was cosying up

to that doctor friend of hers,

she might soon be looking for something bigger.

Hey, I do the idle gossip around here.

KNOCKING

Morning. Sorry to disturb you.

Oh, we're not open yet.

Is this a bad moment? I detect a culinary crisis.

- Burnt toast. - Thought so.

I'm Ralph Spurling, and I'm trying to locate an Oscar Blaketon.

Oscar?

A Mr Spurling for you.

- Mr Blaketon. - Hello.

This isn't the inspection visit by the brewery, is it?

No, no.

My interest is not in your pint-pulling prowess, Mr Blaketon,

but in your skills as a private investigator

for which you have been highly recommended.

Really? Well, who am I to argue with that, eh?

Oscar, the toast!

Excuse me.

♪ Every time you go away

♪ I always say

♪ This time it's goodbye, dear

♪ Loving you the way I do... ♪

Hello.

Hello. Is a PC Wetherby in?

Sorry, no.

- I was told he lived here. - There's been a change of plan.

- Are you a friend of his? - Yes. A good friend.

Come in.

I thought he was dead-set on coming here.

There was an incident, a serious one,

that left us a man short at Ashfordly station.

Don accepted the job there.

- Not a promotion, then? - No.

Well, he wouldn't like that.

He'd still have been a constable even if he was stationed here.

Your own place, though, isn't it? Your own b*at.

That's what he'd be after.

Anyway, no doubt he'll tell you about it himself.

I'm meeting him at Aidensfield Arms later.

Thank you, but I'd really like to see him sooner.

Ashfordly police station, you said?

Yeah, the bus stop's just close by. You can't miss it.

Thank you.

- OSCAR: There we are. - Thank you.

So, fire away.

A little over a year ago I was a guest at a wedding

in a hotel near Whitby,

and I stayed overnight at the hotel where the reception was held.

The next day I got back to my home in York to find I'd been burgled.

Someone obviously knew that you were away.

Exactly, and I not only lost items of monetary worth,

but many of sentimental value as well.

You were insured?

Oh, of course.

But the insurance company refused to compensate me fully for the loss

due to my contributory negligence. - Oh?

They said I'd left a window open.

Had you?

Well, there was certainly one open when I got home.

But no sign of forced entry?

I suppose I counted myself lucky they paid out something,

but then purely by chance I bumped into someone

who'd stayed at the same hotel on a golfing weekend,

and they got home to find they'd been burgled in the same way.

No forced entry?

No. The police concluded access had been gained through an open window.

So, er, what would you like me to do?

I think someone in that hotel was somehow involved.

And I'm as angry now as I was at the time of the robbery,

and I'll pay you as much as you need to bring the culprit to book.

SONG: 'Judy In Disguise'

- Morning, Iris. - You're early.

Just a bit.

I'll put the kettle on.

I don't usually submit bills so soon after the funeral.

It's been more than six weeks, Bernard.

I know, but it's not seemly to rush the bereaved.

You're very thoughtful, Bernard,

but I'm not one for shedding tears.

You know that ours was a late marriage of convenience.

And since Jim has left me so comfortably off,

paying the funeral bill is the least I can do.

Thank you.

Besides, I was looking forward to you coming.

- I thought perhaps, you and me... - Yes?

I thought we might go out for a meal together, if you have the time.

- Well, yes. - Yes?

Yes. Well, you know...

Iris, it's a very nice idea, but so soon after Jim's funeral...

it's not really on, is it?

Oh.

Well, I'm an affiliated undertaker, you see.

Position of trust, codes of conduct and all that.

I mean, to the idle observer it might seem

as if I were taking advantage of your situation.

Yes, well, I suppose it would be.

But at our age, Bernie, should we really care?

I've the business to run, Iris, a reputation to keep.

Then suppose I arrange it further afield...

out of the reach of local gossip?

What do you say?

Lost?

Just for the moment, Sarge.

- Good morning. - Hello.

- Is PC Wetherby in? - Yes, he's in.

In deep, and still digging.

- DON: Got it, Sarge. - Good. Someone to see you.

What are you doing here?

- Aren't you pleased to see me? - In here.

There's trouble there.

Why didn't you say you were leaving?

Not even a forwarding address.

After everything we've been through.

I heard I'd find you at Aidensfield.

- Who told you? - A little bird.

Why have you come here, Lesley?

You know why.

No. I don't know.

I've told you to stay away from me.

I've tried, and it doesn't work.

- For pity's sake. - I'm sorry.

- It just doesn't. - Then make it work!

Still blind, are you?

Look, I'm a married man, Lesley.

She doesn't care. You said that yourself.

Yes, well, things have changed.

Now I'm telling you to go back, get some help.

You're the only help I need.

No. No, I'm not.

This job is a clean break for me,

a new start, and you could ruin it.

What happened to your job at Aidensfield?

- Something happened. - And you were demoted?

- Not exactly. - If I'd been here

they wouldn't have dared.

This is nothing to do with you.

You're too soft, Don.

Let's go.

Now.

Geoff, I've just got to nip out. Cover for me, eh?

Right.

What did I tell you?

You could at least talk to me.

I've nothing more to say.

I could catch the one after this.

Change at Pickering.

Get on.

Not even a goodbye kiss?

And let this be an end to it.

Mr Lambert? Bernard Scripps.

I've had a look at the car and made a few adjustments,

and what it needs now is a bit of a run

to make sure we've ironed out the problems.

Me?

Well, if you don't need it straightaway

perhaps I could find the time.

I'll call you in a day or two.

♪ Knowing I love you so

♪ Anyone who had a heart

♪ Would take me in his arms

♪ And love me too

♪ You couldn't really have a heart and hurt me... ♪

Yeah, that should be fine. We serve breakfast from :.

- Do you know Aidensfield? - No.

No, I don't, but it seems like a lovely area.

Well, it's a bit quiet for some.

To me, it feels like the perfect place to settle down.

That's why I'm here, to look for a cottage for me and my other half.

Oh, right. So how long do you think you'll be staying, then?

Well, just as long as it takes, really.

Lovely.

Thanks. How are you coping?

The only way I know how, by keeping busy.

Hiya, Alf.

Evening. Where's Oscar?

- I've been summoned. - He's in the back room.

What are you having?

Ooh, save your pennies. I might get one on the house.

So, are you still keeping clear of the cottage?

Yeah, more or less.

It's funny, though. I've got someone staying here who's looking for one.

- A cottage? - Yeah.

And I might just have one to let.

- Oh, here she is. Hiya. - Hiya.

- Hello again. - Oh, you've met?

Yeah. I called at the police house expecting to find Don there.

- Don? - Don Wetherby.

Right.

So, your client left personal valuables

overnight in the hotel safe?

Yes, in an envelope, including his house keys.

He was told that was safer than leaving them in his room.

That makes sense. Hotel rooms are notoriously accessible.

Yeah, didn't do much for Mr Spurling, though.

He's convinced his keys were taken and used to break into his house.

They got his address from the hotel register.

Precisely. Anyway, I'm going to test out his theory.

You see, Spurling's brother-in-law is Sir James Atherly,

and he and Spurling's sister own that big house,

you know the one, just outside Ashfordly.

Oh, I know it. The one with the lions rampant at the gate.

That's the one.

Anyway, Sir James and his wife are now on holiday abroad,

so I thought I would check into that hotel near Whitby

in his name while they were away.

You're going to impersonate Sir James Atherly?

Not too big a stretch, is it?

Gina, it looks so lovely. Big enough, but cosy.

Yeah, well, we thought so.

Would suit us down to the ground.

Oh, here's Don now.

JOE: Er, Don?

Hiya. What's up?

You didn't tell me you had a bit on the side.

What are you on about?

The game's up, mate.

In here.

- I've just been. - Yeah, so, go again.

What's going on here?

A nightmare. Total nightmare.

She's making out like she's a girlfriend of yours.

The hell she is. She is a pest, a menace, a mad, sick woman.

Look, mate, I've had my ups and downs with the opposite sex.

All she meant to me was a case number.

Her husband was b*ating her up. I stepped in, kept her safe,

supported her in bringing the bloke to court.

A white knight, eh?

No, I was just doing my job.

There were no end to it. She wouldn't leave me alone.

You told her you were married?

Yeah. It made no difference.

She called me at all hours. In person, on the phone,

at the station, at my place.

The missus went crazy.

SIGHS

It's the main reason I wanted the move.

You've got to help me get out of here.

How?

Keep her at the bar while I make a getaway.

GROANS All right!

On our wedding night he carried me down there,

over the threshold.

GINA: Through there and the door's just round the corner.

GINA: It's really nice.

Right, what can I get you, Lesley?

I'm fine, thanks. Where's Don?

He'll be with us in a minute.

He looked like he'd seen a ghost.

Yeah, well... Look, are you sure I can't freshen up that glass?

It's OK.

Come on, he'll be out soon.

GASPS

Are you OK?

Mm, something smells exotic!

Sure. Coq au vin.

You said you'd get something from the chippy.

Well, I had more time than I thought.

- Shall I do the honours? - Oh, yeah, if you would.

I'll be back in a sec. There's a corkscrew in the drawer.

So, you'll deposit Sir James' key at the hotel for safe-keeping.

Meanwhile, I lie low at his place and raise the alarm

at the first sign of an intruder. - No, no, not you, Alf.

Spurling stands guard at Sir James'.

Oh.

Now, to make my pose more credible, I need you with me.

- As an acquaintance? - No. My chauffeur.

And caddy.

This is Chris Oakley.

- Hello. - Hi.

Knee injury.

Looks like you need stitches, don't you think?

I didn't mean to ruin your evening.

Hm.

- I'd try three or four. - Would you do it?

She doesn't want a nasty scar.

No, no, no, I'll bow to your nimbler fingers.

She's very good.

Come through.

Great girl, Carol.

Yeah, yeah, she is.

Not a bad cook too, by the smell of it.

Yeah, yeah, it's hard to spot a weakness, really.

Let's hope it's for doctors.

Well, that's it, Alf. What do you think?

Yes, no...?

Well, I promised to do some gardening if I took any time off.

Oh, forget the gardening. This is a money-no-object job.

Fair enough. But there's one part of the plan I'm not really happy about.

MUSIC: 'Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba' by George Frideric Handel

SPURLING: Oh, I say!

Told you. You've gone way over the top.

It's my brother-in-law to a tee.

Oh, thank you, I'm sure.

How did you know?

Well, we do our research very thoroughly, Mr Spurling.

Yes, of course.

Even so, Mr Ventress is very keen to learn,

so if there's anything you can tell him...

Well, then follow me to the study, Mr Ventress.

Oh, right. Er...

Perhaps you could buff up the Roller while I'm gone.

I think you can drop the Jeeves and Wooster routine

when we're not actually in public.

Do what suits you best, Oscar.

I prefer to stay in character.

KNOCKING Come in.

- Miss Ashton to see you, Sergeant. - Thank you.

Please, take a seat, Miss Ashton.

I understand you wish to make a complaint

against one of my officers.

Yes. PC Wetherby.

Would you care to explain?

He tried to run me down with his car.

To run you down?

Yes. Last night, outside the Aidensfield Arms.

Go on.

Don and... PC Wetherby and me, we've been close for a while.

I don't know what got into him.

I think it's because he saw me

talking to one of his friends in the pub.

He can be very possessive like that.

When I went outside to try and reason with him,

he drove his car straight at me.

Straight at you? You're sure about that?

Yes. I managed to just jump clear at the last minute.

I ended up in a heap on the ground.

His friend came to help me up.

And do you know the name of this friend?

Yes, he's another one of your officers.

PC Mason.

Erm... Were you injured at all?

Gashed knee and a few bruises where I fell.

I was very lucky, really.

MUSIC: 'My Dixie Darling' by Lonnie Donegan

♪ My Dixie darling listen to this song I sing

♪ Beneath the silvery moon with my banjo right in tune

♪ I love no one but you my heart is always true

♪ My Dixie darling, my Dixie... ♪

Morning.

What's up with you? You've got a face like a twisted plimsoll.

I said there'd be trouble.

DON: What's he on about?

We'll be in touch.

You've been very kind. Thank you.

Wetherby, my office.

You too, Mason.

Right, Wetherby, you first.

Sergeant?

I take it that you know Miss Ashton?

Yes, Sergeant.

And you were with her at the Aidensfield Arms last night?

Not with her exactly.

I just sort of bumped into her.

Really? Well, that's exactly what she says.

That outside the pub you bumped into her

by deliberately driving your car at her!

- What? - That didn't happen?

- No! - She didn't end up

in a heap on the ground? - Well... yes.

And that's how you left her?

I suppose so. If I could just have a chance to explain.

Go ahead.

And it better be good.

SPURLING: This is Sonia, his first wife.

She was a little too glacial for my brother-in-law's tastes.

Obviously a man who knows how to enjoy himself.

Oh, yes. Fun doesn't wait long in the wings when Sir James is about.

g*ns, golf, gals... Not necessarily in that order.

Oh, he rode to hounds until he took a tumble.

Still a touch lame in the right fetlock.

Oh, I'll make a note of that. KNOCKING

Oh, will you excuse me?

Someone for you, Sir James.

Wrong door. Try the back.

Spot on.

Are you trying to tell me

that this attractive young woman is fixated on you?

Yes, Sergeant.

They say there's no accounting for taste,

but I find that very hard to believe.

I wish it weren't true, but it is.

What about you, Mason? Did you see PC Wetherby drive his car at her?

- No, Sergeant. - So you can't tell me

what happened one way or the other?

Well, Miss Ashton's made a very serious allegation

and it will have to be investigated.

You're not going to suspend me, Sergeant?

No, not yet.

Not officially.

But just so I know what I'm dealing with,

when you were handling her case, did you ever give her any encouragement?

Encouragement?!

Any reason for her to believe you had feelings for her?

No, Sergeant.

I'll be talking to your old station sergeant to check your story.

Does she know where you're lodging?

Probably.

Then you'd better find somewhere else for a couple of days.

I want you to make yourself very scarce indeed.

Yes, Sergeant.

MUSIC: 'Born Free' by John Barry

ALF: Thank you, Blakers.

- Morning, Sir James. - Morning.

Hello.

I believe you have a reservation.

The name's Atherly.

Indeed we do, Sir James. Welcome to the East Links Hotel.

Take Sir James' luggage straight to his suite.

I'll leave Miss Mills to do the formalities.

I hope you enjoy your stay with us, Sir James.

I'll do my very best.

Everything all right, Sir James?

- Perfectly. - Your key.

Oh, thank you.

Would you like me to sign in?

That won't be necessary. You're down as Sir James Atherly plus one.

Oh.

You'll find your room along the rear ground floor corridor,

and down the stairs.

In other words, the basement.

Go and get rid of the tackle

and then we'll take a turn around the links.

Maybe have a paddle.

Have you asked about your valuables, Sir James?

I was just about to do that.

How secure are your rooms, Miss?

As secure as possible,

but we do advise guests to use our safe deposit facility

just as an extra precaution.

There you are. He does so like to make a fuss.

Well, I'll, er...

Hm.

MUSIC: 'Little Serenade' by Eddie Calvert

Here we are.

You can take those off now, Bernie.

Nobody you know is likely to be staying here.

Be a dear and fetch me my vanity case, would you?

♪ La, la-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la la, la-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la-la... ♪

Are we off for a stroll, Blakers?

ALF: What do we do now?

We don't know him. Just walk.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

Hello.

In return for my generosity in hiding you here

you might want to catch up on some of my paperwork.

Don't think so. Thanks, anyway.

Do you know anything about body language?

The telltale signs when someone's lying, for example.

Oh, yeah, like when they touch their nose, you mean?

Yeah. Other people blink more, like you.

Me?

I noticed when Miller asked

if you'd offered Lesley Ashton any encouragement.

Are you saying I lied to him?

I gave her protection and support, that's all.

But you met her on a one-to-one basis.

On occasions, yes.

She needed help.

And company, no doubt.

I did not encourage her.

You're blinking again.

Oh, stuff you, mate. I want her off my back.

That's all anyone needs to know.

Hey, shift yourself. She's on the road outside.

- Coming here? - Probably. Move.

Get up there.

- What the devil...? - OSCAR: Shut up.

Oscar, what are you doing?

Just shut up and get in.

What are you doing here, Bernie?

Minding my own business.

And what business is that? Widow chasing?

- I beg your pardon? - Perhaps we should warn her.

- About what? - You didn't tell her you knew us?

No. What on Earth's going on? Why are you in fancy dress?

We're on a job.

We're incognito.

Alf is impersonating Sir James Atherly.

And this here is my chauffeur.

And you've never seen us before. Understood?

Is that it? For the moment.

Thank you.

Did you get rid of the cobwebs?

Sort of.

Well, we're all booked in for dinner, bed and breakfast.

- Bed? - And breakfast.

I thought we were just here for the evening meal.

Don't fuss, Bernard. It's my treat entirely.

I haven't come prepared.

No problem.

I brought a pair of Jim's pyjamas just in case.

Jim's pyjamas?

I'm in room . You're along the corridor in .

Why don't you freshen up?

This way, madam.

He told me he was going to leave his wife.

He promised a new start here for the two of us.

Now it's all gone wrong.

What happened outside the pub, it was just a heat-of-the-moment thing.

I know he didn't mean it.

If you could fix it for us to meet, I'm sure we could sort things out.

I'm not sure I can do that.

Well, do it for him, not me.

I promise to withdraw the complaint if you could

just get him to meet me in the pub tonight.

I'll do what I can, but I can't promise.

Thank you.

OK.

Does she know I'm here?

I don't think so.

What does she want?

She says she'll do a deal.

If you meet her in the pub tonight she'll withdraw her complaint.

Straight up?

You'd be mad to even consider it.

Better to stay in hiding, cowering in the face of a deranged woman?

Correct.

Perhaps if we met just once more, you as minder,

get myself off the hook.

- Forget it. - It's the quickest way.

Yeah, the quickest way to get on the wrong side of Miller.

Just forget it.

Ah, Sir James. Pleasant walk?

Marvellous.

My wife is currently toasting herself on the French Riviera.

- Oh, very nice. - ALF: Well, she's welcome to it.

Give me a stiff North Sea guster any day.

- What do you say, Blakers? - Oh, I'm with you, Sir James.

Could I trouble you for a safe deposit envelope?

Of course. One moment, please.

Perhaps you'd like to see the dinner menu, Sir James?

Ah...

Thank you.

Your chauffeur might like to eat downstairs with the staff.

You hear that, Blakers?

I heard.

Ah! House keys.

They're always so troublesome when you're away on holiday.

Oh, quite.

Well, I'll be down to dinner about :.

A table is reserved.

Splendid.

Toffs. Make you wanna spit, don't they?

You keep well in with him. It'll be well worth your while.

Yeah?

More money than sense, he has.

By a large margin.

Oh, thank you, my darling.

Oh, when, when!

IRIS: Nonsense. You make me look greedy.

It still doesn't seem right, Iris.

So soon after Jim's gone. It seems like we're celebrating.

Jim wouldn't begrudge me this, you know.

He liked me to have nice things.

Not to excess, it's true.

And now he's gone, I've no need to hold back.

I'm sure I know that man.

Which man?

The one dining on his own.

Oh, I don't think so. He's a Knight of the Realm, I think.

A sir?

So I'm told.

- It's coming to me. - Another toast.

What to?

To us.

How nice. To us.

Got it.

Alf Ventress. I met his wife.

Sir Alf Ventress?

CAR DOOR CLOSES

Excuse me?

Yes?

- Phone call for you. - Oh, right.

Thanks.

Hello?

Er... I'll have a slice of that one there.

Ah! No, no.

I'll have a slice of the pavlova cake.

Excuse me.

I just had a call. They're at the house. I'm on my way.

Call Mason. I'll need backup.

Oh, dear.

I'll have a slice of each, perhaps.

MUSIC: 'Little B' by The Shadows

PHONE RINGS

Police House, Aidensfield.

Hello, Alf.

Do you have an address?

Uh-huh. Leave it with me.

I've got to go out. Report of an intruder.

- Do you want any help? - No, thanks.

Don't answer the door or phone. Just keep your head down, OK?

Excuse me?

Yes?

Iris would like you to join us for coffee.

I'm sorry. Does the lady know me?

Unfortunately, she does, Alf.

ALF: Oh.

BERNIE: We're not letting on.

Good evening, Sir James.

Do take a seat.

Operation hush-hush.

I had to promise Bernard all manner of things

before he'd spill the beans.

Is that so?

You mustn't think the worst of him.

He's been such a dear since my husband passed on.

Oh, really?

In fact, I want to give you something by way of thanks.

Something of Jim's.

Really, Iris, you mustn't. I can't accept gifts.

Please, Bernard. For me. I won't hear of a refusal.

Back in a mo.

This is not how it looks.

From where I'm sitting, it's in D.

Do you make a habit of this?

- What? - Bringing widows on dirty weekends.

Something wrong, madam?

I hope not.

What's going on? What happened?

Not much. False alarm.

False alarm?

Blaketon, I am most terribly sorry.

Major cock-up, I'm afraid, courtesy of yours truly.

It turned out the intruders were my sister and brother-in-law.

They came back early from their holiday.

Silly mare broke her leg in a fall.

She's inside with a pot on now feeling very sorry for herself.

I see.

Funny thing, I can't seem to find my house keys.

I've looked everywhere.

Don't worry, Iris, they'll turn up. I'll look in the car, shall I?

I think I left them in the safe deposit envelope at reception.

You left your house keys at the desk.

Well, I think I did.

- Look lively, Bernie. - What?

I need a driver.

- BERNIE: Where are we going? - To Iris' place.

No time to explain. Just move.

Iris, get on the phone to Ashfordly police station

and tell them to send someone round to your address, pronto.

Right, yes. Right away.

Faster.

ALF: Steady!

PIGS GRUNTING RATTLING

Best sow in show. She certainly brought home the bacon for us.

Some cash here.

- How much? - You want me to count it now?

Lights are on.

Perhaps she left them on.

BERNIE: How many of them are there, do you think?

ALF: How should I know?

Suppose they're armed.

For pity's sake, stop whimpering.

It's all right for you, you're combat trained.

Someone's coming!

In here.

I just had this suit cleaned and pressed.

Belt up.

ALF: Just two of them.

Two more than I was hoping for.

Stay here.

All right, come on. Let's get back.

- Did you leave a window open? - Yeah.

MAN: Keys.

- I haven't got them. - Are you sure?

What the hell have you done with them?

Have you dropped them in one of the bags?

Hold on.

Well, well, I think someone's playing a little game on us.

ALF: Bernie!

Lose them, Bernie.

You stupid old git.

SONG: 'Judy In Disguise'

APPROACHING SIREN

Never mind. These lads'll give you a lift.

- Morning. - Morning.

You were late last night.

Yes, we were celebrating.

Oh, yeah? Job done?

Yes, not quite the way I expected.

Still, one more satisfied customer nonetheless.

The couple that had robbed him were a husband and wife team.

Just one job away from skipping the country

and opening their own B&B in Spain.

Has our, er, guest been down yet?

Yeah, but she didn't touch her breakfast.

I think she's still a bit upset.

She sat in the bar all night waiting for Don Wetherby to show up.

Oh.

Don?

Yeah?

That's me off to the station. I'll call at the pub on the way,

see if I can get the latest on Lesley Ashton.

CRUNCHING OF GRAVEL

ENGINE STARTING

You haven't had one of my knives, have you?

No.

Well, it was there last night.

KNOCKING

- Morning. - Hiya.

- Oscar. - Hi, Joe.

I don't suppose Lesley said anything about Don Wetherby?

She doesn't talk about anyone else.

Is she still going ahead with this complaint?

Yeah, as far as I know.

Copper's nightmare, that one.

- Is she in at all? - No, she went out early.

Have you lost something?

Yeah, one of my knives is missing.

I'm sure it was there last night.

MUSIC: 'You're My World by Cilla Black

♪ You're my world

♪ You're every breath I take

♪ You're my world

♪ You're every move I make

♪ Other eyes see the stars

♪ Up in the skies

♪ But for me

♪ They shine

♪ Within your eyes

♪ As the trees reach

♪ For the sun above

♪ So my arms reach up to you

♪ For love

♪ With your hand

♪ Resting in mine

♪ I feel a power

♪ So divine

♪ You're my world... ♪

JOE: Don? Don!

What's up?

Oh, nothing.

I thought...

JOE: Lesley?

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

Lesley, it's all right.

Come on.

Give me the Kn*fe.

MILLER: Let this be a lesson to you.

Though Northallerton confirmed your story,

I'm not convinced by your conduct.

I believe you became personally involved with this woman.

If it hadn't been for Mason, things could have been much worse.

At least now she can get the necessary care and treatment.

You've not exactly covered yourself in glory

since you've been here, have you?

- No, Sergeant. - No.

Perhaps when your family's settled here,

you can wipe the slate clean and start again.

Thanks. So Oscar wasn't actually there when you caught the burglars?

- No. - A technicality, that's all.

I masterminded the operation. Alf was just a foot soldier.

Even if he was wearing a cravat and a monocle.

- Don't forget Bernie. - GINA: Bernie?

- GINA: What was he doing there? - Well, ask him yourself.

What's this, Bernie? What have you been up to?

Come on. Out with it, you dark horse.

Whatever's been said, it's a lie. She dropped me in it.

I didn't sleep in her husband's pyjamas

and in any case, we were booked into separate rooms.

That's all very interesting.

Have you arranged to meet her again then, Bernie?

Not likely. I just want to be left in peace.

Just as well, perhaps, Bernie. Looks like you missed your chance.

OSCAR: I think she's traded you in for a younger model.

ALF: Never mind, Bernie. Nunc est bibendum.

- What's that? - Latin.

It means, "Next time, if the pyjamas fit, wear them."