Pink Panther 2, The (2009)

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Pink Panther 2, The (2009)

Post by bunniefuu »

I now bring to your attention

one of the most stunning treasures in the
British Library's entire collection.

The Magna Carta.

And now, over here,

perhaps the most cherished ancient
artifact in the Western world.

The Shroud of Turin.

The Imperial Sword!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus
is here to see you.

- Chief Inspector.
- Sir.

I'm sure you know
why you're here.

The British, the Italians and the
Japanese are assembling an elite squad

of their finest detectives,

an international Dream Team
to track down this Tornado.

- And France will be represented?
- Exactly.

I am honored, but not surprised.

This is the culmination
of my career.

The moment that I've been
waiting for all my life.

- No, no, no.
- Well, not all my life, perhaps...

- No, no.
- No. Nevertheless...

They want Clouseau, since he is considered
the top detective in the world.

We have been asked if Clouseau is
available to lead the Dream Team.

- Clouseau?
- Yes, yes.

- Is there something wrong?
- No, no, not at all.

Would you mind if I use your
bathroom just for a moment?

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

Clouseau.

I'm afraid, sir, that Clouseau
is currently occupied.

- What?
- I've assigned him to a mission

so important for our country

that I fear for our national
security if he was taken off it.

Clearly a violation.

Parking ticket.

What is this for?

Thirty-one centimeters from the
curb, nine centimeters too far.

Nine centimeters into the seamy
black underbelly of crime.

- You must take the ticket. Take it.
- Never!

You must take the ticket.

You're not wearing
your seatbelt.

You are going to have to
go to traffic school.

Pardon me.

- Stop this car immediately.
- Okay.

Right.

- Are you finished yet?
- Complete and operational.

Chief Inspector, your new
system will monitor and record

every word and every
movement in this room.

So, if anyone breaks
in, what happens?

Your office is linked to the elite Black
Berets. They will be here in seconds.

Sir, Inspector Clouseau
is here to see you.

Send him in.

- Clouseau?
- I have to appoint him to the Dream Team.

- Clouseau?
- Don't ask, don't...

Good afternoon, Chief Inspector.
I'm here with my report.

This darn Medal of Honor.

You're so fortunate you never
got one, Chief Inspector.

You look so tidy having no honors or
other forms of distinguishing decor.

Why don't you wear it under your
shirt, you know, out of sight?

Brilliant idea, Chief Inspector.
That way it won't clang around.

Now, the parking
ticket situation.

Over the last six weeks, I've given
out almost four parking tickets.

One at the musée, overtime.

And one, you'll recall, to you, in
violation of the bent-license-plate law.

- Yes, I recall.
- It's all there in the report.

Fascinating. Well, I shall
waste no time in reading it.

And just in case, I've deftly cataloged,
numbered and cross-referenced

each offense here in
my little black book.

Now, Clouseau, you remember when I first
put you on that parking ticket detail...

Yes, you explained it was
a top level assignment.

And that if anyone ever asked you if
I was the one who had assigned you

to this incredibly important
mission, you would deny it.

Chief Inspector, I don't even
know what you are talking about.

Good work, Clouseau.

Now, to business. I have been
instructed to reassign you...

Clouseau?

Clouseau.

We were being recorded.

- The Black Berets.
- The password. What is the password?

- I don't know.
- Four, three...

- We weren't yet told. two, one.

Hamburger.

Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.

- The password was "hamburger"?
- No, "hamburger."

- I said "hamburger".
- No, you said "hamburger."

- Hamburger?
- Hamburger.

How did you know that
we were being recorded?

Easy, Inspector.

This pen emits a small beeping noise
whenever it detects microwaves.

- RadioShack. $12.
- What?

- How did you know the password?
- This little LED chip decodes passwords.

I had it attached to the
back of my Medal of Honor.

- RadioShack?
- EBay. I got this there, too.

- What do you think this is?
- A tape recorder?

No. It only looks like a tape-recorder.
It's actually a pen.

So you can write with it
and no one will know.

Bingo!

Now, you were saying, Inspector.

- You are being reassigned.
- Let me read your mind.

The Tornado is at large, and you
want me to protect the Pink Panther.

- No.
- No?

It is my job to protect
the Pink Panther.

You've merely been reassigned
to the Dream Team.

That is quite an honor,

- but I cannot accept.
- What?

If Inspector Clouseau
were to leave France,

the Tornado would surely
strike at the Pink Panther.

- I'm guarding it!
- But...

Don't argue. You fly to
Kyoto in the morning.

But I can't fly.

In a plane!

- But still...
- That's an order.

Nicole.

You are travelling?

Yes, Inspector Dreyfus is sending
me on a very dangerous mission.

For how long? When
will you return?

I will return when the
criminal is caught.

It could be a month, it could be a year.
You understand, Nicole.

- Yes, yes, of course.
- Of course, we will have to stay apart.

If the criminal were to, say, kidnap
you, he would have power over me.

Why would he have
power over you?

Well, because, well,

you are like a brother to me.

A hot, sexy brother in a dress.

Nicole, I hope you have forgiven
me for that one evening.

Yes, Inspector, it is forgotten.

- I have not forgotten.
- Neither have I.

So, even though,
technically, we are on duty,

do you think it would be all
right to share a bottle of wine?

I think it would be all right.

Then I will select the wine.
It is one of my specialties.

I would like to
select my own wine.

And by the way, I am
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Remember this face.

- This is a very special bottle.
- Delicious.

There was something about
burning down a restaurant

that ignited other,
more illicit, fires.

- And I'm sorry about that.
- As am I. Terribly remorseful.

It was a night to remember
that we must forget.

We must never forget
to not remember it.

And if we do remember it, we
must immediately forget it.

Now, let's have a
professional hug goodbye.

I'll be right there. I'll
see you in several months.

- No problem.
- And I do hope your hearing improves.

Ponton, I'm worried about
my leaving France.

The Tornado is rampant. The Pink
Panther is such a temptation,

and no Clouseau to protect it.

But you visited the museum yourself,
you checked the security.

- It's gonna be all right.
- Yes, I suppose you're right.

- Are you driving?
- I like to stay in practice.

- Okay.
- Remind me where the brakes are.

- Here. Yes.
- There?

- Yes.
- And then you turn here.

- Of course, yes.
- All right.

- And this turns it.
- Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

- Ponton.
- Yes?

- This case is very strange.
- How so, Inspector?

For 10 years, the Tornado
terrorized Europe,

stealing over a quarter of a billion
dollars worth of artifacts.

Then, for no reason,
he suddenly stops.

Maybe the Tornado thought
he had enough money.

If he had enough money, then why, after
10 years of complete inactivity,

does he suddenly spring
back into action?

London, the Magna Carta.
Italy, the sacred Shroud.

The Imperial Sword. Why now?
Why all of a sudden? Why? Why?

You need to calm down.

Hey!

What's the matter, Ponton? You
seem a little depressed today.

- Is it your wife again?
- Yes.

She still feels my job takes
up too much of my time.

The same old thing.

Next week is our 10th anniversary. She
thinks we should go away together.

Ponton, would you like
me to talk with her?

No.

I mean, this issue must be discussed
between husband and wife.

Well, you must explain to her
that we are men of the law.

Always living in the shadows.

Idiot.

I will miss you, Inspector.

I will miss you, too, Ponton.

- And, Ponton.
- Yes?

I am sorry you can't
satisfy your wife.

"I am now leaving France."

This is a bad idea.

The legendary Pink Panther
Diamond has been stolen.

Officials suspect the perpetrator
is the infamous Tornado.

What'd I tell you?

The theft of the Pink Panther would
be the fourth high-profile crime...

Oh, my God! He was right.

The Dream Team was supposed to start
its investigations in Kyoto, Japan,

but it's just been
diverted to Paris.

France is in shock.

The international Dream Team
of detectives will begin...

I'm standing outside the Grand Palais
where the Pink Panther has been stolen.

Why are they cheering? This
is a national tragedy.

We live in a media age.
You must learn to adapt.

Then adapt I shall.

- Who do you think did this, Inspector?
- Inspector, any comment?

Tornado, I'm coming to get you.

One more.

Tornado, I'm coming to get you.
There's your one.

Good afternoon, Inspector. The other
detectives have already arrived.

They are waiting for you.

- I'm sorry, I don't remember your name.
- What?

- Yes. I am Nicole.
- Yes, so nice to see you again.

You, too, Inspector.

Well, enough of this foreplay.
Where are the other detectives?

Yes, they're waiting inside.

I hope no one has tampered
with the crime scene.

A crime scene is like a code.

You decipher it, and it will
lead inexorably to the criminal.

That is why it must always be
kept in pristine condition.

Good day. I'm Inspector Jacques
Clouseau of the French Police.

Vicenzo Roccara
Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

And your name?

Vicenzo Roccara
Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

That is your name. I thought you were
ordering in Italian. Once again.

Vicenzo Roccara
Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

Don Corleone.

I'm Kenji Mazuto.

Kenji Mazel Tov.

Randall Pepperidge.

And this is my associate Gilbert
Ponton, and this is Nicole.

Nicole is here to
service your needs,

so feel free to use her
in any way you wish.

And now there is a
crime scene waiting.

Excuse me. "El sceno de crimo."

That is not Italian, and
I do speak English.

Really? Prove it.

Gentlemen, we first have to determine
how the crime was committed.

And as I am an expert
at deduction...

- You are an expert at deduction?
- That is my field.

I believe deduction is my field and
since you are experiencing hip pain...

How did you know that?

One side of the sole of your shoe
is worn more than the other.

You're favoring your right leg.

Tell me, did you enjoy your
double espresso this morning?

- How did you...
- Your pupils are noticeably dilated.

And will you be moving out
of the Hotel Montmartre?

They are doing construction at
night around the Montmartre

so as not to disturb
daytime traffic.

From your puffy eyes, I deduce
you spent a sleepless night.

Speaking of traffic, are you
enjoying your Smart car?

Your trousers are wrinkled
behind the knees.

And how do you think your favorite
football team, Arsenal, will do this year?

That matchbox is from
the only bar in Paris

that shows English
football telecasts.

You have tissues in your shoes
to make you look taller.

You were 14 before you finally
learned to enjoy avocado.

Tell me, how did you enjoy your
trip to the airport this morning?

Now, how did you know that?

- Perhaps one of you should begin.
- Yes, this is silly.

You've recently lost your
favorite cheese grater.

You have an aversion
to cow bells.

Stop the insanity
and look at this.

IL Tornado is not as
careful as he thinks.

Fingerprint. With this small piece of
glass, the case is practically solved.

This one has a fingerprint.

This one has a fingerprint, too.

This one has a fingerprint.

You don't need that. You have
plenty of fingerprint evidence.

Guard that.

What do we know about
this man, this Tornado.

Well, we know that he's a
white male between 50 and 65,

with a scar from a b*llet hole
behind his right shoulder.

In 1996, the Tornado was sh*t right here in
France while trying to steal a gold vase.

Blood was found, and as a result, his
DNA has been on file for over 10 years

without a match.

I'm sorry I'm a bit late.
My flight was delayed.

You're Jacques Clouseau.

The Pink Panther detective.
This is such a thrill.

- And who is it that are you?
- I'm Sonia Solandres.

- Didn't anyone tell you that...
- Yes. I was informed.

- A last-minute addition to our team.
- That's right.

I've written a book on
the old Tornado crimes,

but I'm not sure if I'm really
gonna be much help here.

Technically speaking, I'm
not really a detective.

Welcome. We can always
use an extra mind.

Now, let me bring you up to speed.
We know nothing.

You are now up to speed.

In world news today,

members of the Dream Team gathered for the
first time in front of the Grand Palais

to start their investigations
into the Tornado thefts.

Inspector Clouseau
had this to say.

Tornado, I'm coming to get you.
There's your one.

I was able to discover this Tornado
hacked the security system

from a remote location and turned off all
the alarms and surveillance scanners.

- Can you trace the source?
- Yes, but it will take time.

- You are new here?
- Yes, hello. Mrs. Berenger.

- I know who you are, Inspector.
- Do you?

Due to the media frenzy
surrounding this case,

I've been assigned to instruct employees
on political and social correctness.

It's always nice to
have a very sexy woman

clomping around the
building in high heels.

- You must never refer to a woman as sexy.
- But I was complimenting you.

No, Inspector, you must not
comment on a woman's body.

I get it. I get it. I
keep it to myself...

Yes.

When I am thinking...
- Inspector.

This will be an exercise and
I want you to concentrate.

And no matter what I say, I want
your expression to remain neutral.

That will be easy.

You're here in the corridor
at your employment,

and you see a very pretty young
woman walking toward you,

and her blouse is tight and is
rather bursting at the buttons,

and she drops her pencil,

and as she bends to retrieve
it, her blouse parts,

revealing the cleavage of her
soft, round, white mounds.

And then the pencil rolls
around and she bends again,

and her undulating buttocks
cause the short skirt to rise

just shy of the
nooks and crannies.

I like you, Mrs. Berenger.
I like you a lot.

So, I have made lunch reservations
at four different restaurants,

depending on who
wants to eat where.

You know, I cannot decide
what is more beautiful.

Paris or you.

May I have a word in private?

I'm worried that your hot Italian blood
might be leading you into an indiscretion.

Really?

Yes, these attentions
you're paying to Nicole.

What?

I see. You and she,
you like the...

Oh, no, no, no. She and I are
co-workers, nothing more.

So I'm not stepping on toes.

How could you, since she and I have
absolutely no feelings for one another.

Good, because I find
her very alluring.

No. No. For a man like
you, she's too drab.

- Drab?
- And she is disgusting.

- Disgusting?
- Yeah, she's drab and disgusting.

I think you are wrong, Clouseau.

You see, you and I, we are
men of the world, no?

We've had all these sexy and
glamorous women, right?

Yes, in fact, I believe you've
made a conquest of your own

in Miss Solandres.

Clouseau, you are a lover.

And Nicole is a woman for a lifetime,
a woman to have the babies with.

- To have the babies?
- Yes, lots and lots of the babies.

All day long the babies.

All day long the babies?

Ponton.

That Italian and I
have locked antlers.

We are like two angry stags
pawing at the ground.

Have we decided on lunch?

Well, I suppose you will be wanting
sushi, my little yellow friend?

What?

Inspector, we never refer to Japanese
people as "our little yellow friends."

- But why?
- Because it is a stereotype.

Inspector, are you
prejudiced against Asians?

Well, of course not.
Except when they drive.

Have you ever seen them drive?

They can hardly see over
the steering wheel.

- Inspector.
- Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Berenger.

I suppose I'm a bit of a
dumb blonde about this.

- What?
- You must never refer to blondes that way.

- But they are so dumb.
- Oh, my God.

Were you just ogling her?

- No.
- Yes, you were.

I did not.

- You did.
- I did not.

- You did it again.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. I saw it.
- I did not.

- No, you didn't.
- You did it.

- You did it again!
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- I did not.

- Yes, you did.
- Oh, my God, look!

Oh, my God...

Ponton?

I had it out with my wife.

I told her that she must not
question me about my work,

and that my home life must take
second place to my career.

Good for you. Congratulations!
You are now a real man.

So, then, can I
stay here with you?

- What?
- May I stay here? I got kicked out.

- Yes, I suppose. Temporarily.
- Thank you.

It's okay, boys.

What are these?

Ponton?

They are my sons, Louis and Antoine.
They took my side of the argument.

And this is Jacques.

They named him after you.
They idolize you.

Uncle Jacques, what's that?

That is an award given to me
by the President of France.

Go ahead.

- Is that the Pink Panther?
- No, it's a replica.

A copy given to me for
recovering the real diamond

and returning it to France.

Let's show Uncle
Jacques what we won.

We won these in a competition
in karate school.

That is so cute.

Now, let me show
you a real trophy.

One I won at a karate
competition just recently.

Wow!

- You like karate?
- We love it.

Remember, boys.

The secret to a successful karate
att*ck is the element of surprise.

- Good one.
- Thank you.

To find the Tornado, we
must consider his motives.

I'm worried that right now, the
thief is trying to sell the goods.

Right.

"Hey, buddy, do you want to
buy the Shroud of Turin?"

No. These items are too
famous to be sold.

Only the Pink Panther can be cut
up and sold as smaller gems.

I suspect that's what he wants.

I have something.

This says the computer that hacked
into the museum is located in Rome.

- Rome?
- Yes. Is something wrong?

No. No. Rome means
nothing to me.

I mean...

Rome? Do you know
who lives in Rome?

- Alonso Avellaneda!
- The black market art dealer.

The man rumored to be
the Tornado's fence.

There's always been a suspicion

that Avellaneda's not just the Tornado's
fence, but the Tornado himself.

He is the right age.

Do we have a sample of his DNA?

Not yet, but we should
be in Rome in one hour.

Where is our pilot?

I don't trust any other pilot
for my plane but myself.

Your plane.

Nicoletta, would you
like to be my co-pilot?

- Come.
- Okay.

Would I be disturbing
you if I joined you?

No, no. Please disturb me.

I've been thinking a lot about
what you said outside the museum,

about the psychology
of the criminal.

The "why?"

Perhaps romantic disappointment.

A foolish young woman who
leaves a man for a younger man.

That could never happen.

But of course.

What a man such
as that should do

is start a new romance with
someone more appreciative.

That is so funny.
"Start a new romance."

I'm not quite sure what you
mean, but that is funny.

It appears that Inspector Clouseau
does not find Miss Solandres drab.

"Drab"?

The very word that he
used to describe you.

- He called me drab?
- And disgusting.

Disgusting?

Thank you.

Hey, Ponton. Tell me more
about Inspector Clouseau.

He's a brilliant man,
unorthodox, oblique.

But I can tell you with
absolute confidence,

he's the man who will
solve this case.

Ponton-san, you are crazy.

If Clouseau solves this case, I am
perfectly willing to run around

like a bare-bummed idiot
wearing nothing but a tutu.

Well, let's talk
about Avellaneda.

- What are his proclivities?
- He's an art connoisseur,

but because of his
questionable dealings,

he was thrown out of Spain
and must live here.

You see? He has squandered
his reputation,

and he is forced to live in
the woods like an animal

with the shame of
being a criminal.

If there is one absolute truth in this
world, it is that crime does not pay.

You say the b*llet hole is
behind his right shoulder?

Yes.

Then all we have to do is figure out a
way to get him to remove his shirt.

I was half expecting you.

Are you the so-called
"Dream Team"?

And who is it who is
inquiring of us who we are?

I am Alonso Avellaneda. Is this
more of that Tornado nonsense?

We shall see who is the one who
will be saying nonsensical things

that are something of nonsense.

Well, I suppose I must
bow to the inevitable.

Please, come inside. I'll
join you in a moment.

Nicole.

While the Dream Team plays its little
games, I am going to snoop around.

Who cares?

So, gentlemen and ladies,
please make yourselves at home.

Now, how can I help you?

Señor Avellaneda, where were
you last Friday evening?

Dining with my daughter
and my ex-wife.

Don't believe me, call them.

Why call them?

They already lied for you
on the stand 10 years ago.

I am not the Tornado.

Do you mind if I examine
your computer system?

Be my guest. I have
nothing to hide.

Sometimes things
hide in plain sight.

My security system.

Answer this question.

In the past, you admitted to
dealings with IL Tornado?

Yes, but that was 10 years ago.

Besides, I never saw his face.

How did you conduct these transactions
if you never saw his face?

He was in disguise. He
always wore a mask.

Did you call him Zorro?
Or the Power Ranger?

Come, come, señor Avellaneda,
you expect us to believe

that two grown men do millions
of dollars of business

with each other and you
never saw his face?

Perhaps I saw him once.

Did it look something like this?
Or this? How about this?

No, I've told you. I
am not the Tornado.

How did you pay him?

With deposits into
Swiss bank accounts.

Numbered. Untraceable.

I understand.

Look, I know my answers are
less than satisfactory.

I realize that.

Does this mean I must
spend the rest of my life

living under a cloud
of suspicion?

- Forgive my intrusion.
- Yes.

There is one way to
prove your innocence.

Back in 1996, while
perpetrating a crime...

Yes, yes, yes. He received a
b*llet wound in the shoulder.

Is this what it's come to?

That I must strip down
and remove my clothes

in the sanctity of my own home

before a group of people I've only
just met just to prove my innocence?

Well, it wouldn't hurt.

Fine. Let's get it
over with, then.

I believe it was the
right shoulder.

So I hope this proves beyond
doubt that I am not the Tornado.

We will have to
leave you in peace.

He's already shown us his shoulders.
There is no wound.

He did?

- The man is guilty.
- There's no physical evidence.

Clouseau!

He removed his shirt twice,
and there was no b*llet hole.

Haven't you ever heard
of cosmetic surgery?

Yes. Of course you have.

Clouseau Inspector, I even checked
all the house's computers.

None of them are used to
hack into the museum.

Still...

Clouseau, can't you see
what's plain in front of you?

Your unrelenting
stubbornness is maddening.

And I'm telling you I sense the
presence of the Tornado in that house.

They don't know anything.

That blasted b*llet wound.
It's my mark.

One day they'll find me.

You're in no danger, Laurence.

This is all very strange.

I even know one of them.

You do?

- Which one?
- You know me.

Isn't it obvious?

Inspector, excuse me.

Are you familiar with a Spanish restaurant
here in Rome called La Plata de Nada?

Know it? I destroyed it.

I found this in a
jammed paper shredder.

8:00 tonight. The grand
re-opening of La Plata de Nada.

And I thought, "Why
would Avellaneda"

"shred a simple reminder
of a dinner appointment?"

Good work, Ponton.

- So what should we do?
- Our jobs, Ponton.

We investigate, see who he's eating with.
Perhaps the Tornado.

You go on ahead.

Ponton and I will get a taxi
and do a little sightseeing.

This stakeout was a good idea, Ponton.
Fortunately, I'm an expert lip-reader.

He's saying, "Never
retune a wet piano."

Why is he saying that?

No, he is saying, "My wife will not
be back in Italy until Sunday."

- No wonder he shredded the message.
- What is all this?

Before they opened
tonight, I snuck in,

found out which table he'd
reserved, and planted a bug.

But how did you find out which
table they would be seated at?

You rubbed your
fingers together.

That is surprising.

What is she doing here with him?

I'm sorry, Inspector.

We've got to find out
what they are saying.

Why?

We've got to move the bug from
that table to that table.

- How?
- Let me handle it.

Hello. Remember me?

Don't you come back.

What's wrong? You don't
like this restaurant?

Oh, no. No, I have been
here one time before.

It's very nice.

There. It is out.

We've been able to confirm that
the Pope's ring has been stolen.

Ironically, the Dream Team was no
less than five miles away in Rome.

The Italian people are outraged that
the Tornado was able to pull this off

right under their noses.

Mr. Clouseau.

Mr. Pepperidge, was the Dream Team
sleeping last night during the theft?

No comment.

Do you think they will
ever recover the ring?

If I made a comment after
I'd said, "No comment,"

I'd look like a complete
ass, wouldn't I?

Do not worry. Vicenzo Roccara
Squarcialupi Brancaleone

swears to you by
all that is holy,

that St. Peter's ring will
be restored to the Church.

Please sit down.

Now, Mr. Pope,

do you happen to know right now
the whereabouts of your hat?

- My hat?
- Yes, your big, pointy hat.

No, I don't know.

Then I am probably sitting on it.
I thought I felt a little...

This can be fixed.

As good as new.

Now...

How do we know it wasn't
you who stole the ring

so you could collect on
the insurance money?

- I am the Pope.
- Forgive me, Mr. Pope,

it's just that sometimes
when I speak so forcefully,

people just cr*ck instantly.
Now, was the ring insured?

The ring is priceless.
It cannot be insured.

- So you had no reason to steal the ring.
- I own the ring.

Perhaps you wanted to sell the ring so
you could live in a big, fancy house.

I kind of do.

Now, let me reconstruct the crime.
You came into the room when?

- At 9:00.
- And what was the first thing you did?

I went out on the balcony to
admire the Lord's handiwork.

The moon that night was so beautiful.
It made me close to the Lord.

I'm picking up on something. You're
a very spiritual man, aren't you?

It's part of my job to read people.
I think I'm quite good at it, too.

- And then what did you do?
- I removed my robes.

- And you put them...
- In the closet.

- May I?
- Certainly.

You know, if you organized
your closets by color,

it would save you time in your rush
to get to work in the morning.

It's what I do, and
it saves me time.

Now, in order to better
visualize the crime,

I'm going to place
myself in your position.

- With your permission.
- Certainly.

So, I come home, it's 9:00 p.m. "I
think I'll go look at the moon."

I am going out onto the balcony.

I walk out on the balcony. I
am now out on the balcony.

I am looking at the moon.
I am looking at the moon.

I'm feeling very, very spiritual.
I come back in.

- And what did you do next?
- I went out for the second time.

You went out a second
time to look at the moon.

It's the Pope.

Looking at the moon, 18
seconds has gone by.

18 seconds is enough time for the
thief to have gained entrance.

Now, you see why it is important
to re-create the events.

Or perhaps the thief was
hiding in a ledge or recess.

Or perhaps he was clinging
to the underside of the...

Thank you, God. Thank you.

Chief Inspector, Joubert
wants to speak to you.

He wants Clouseau off the case.

- No!
- No?

No, let's wait till he does
something really embarrassing.

Home.

- Surprise att*ck!
- Surprise att*ck!

- Not now, I'm depressed.
- Perfect for our advantage.

The secret to an att*ck is the
element of surprise, remember?

Now I will teach you who
is the karate master.

Now watch what I will
do to your head.

Now, Antoine.

Let's talk about this, boys.

Come, little ones.
All is forgiven.

Ponton, can we see Clouseau?

Is the French idiot home?

How does he feel
about his disgrace?

Inspector Clouseau is the
consummate professional.

He always exhibits
grace under pressure.

Die, little piglets!

My God, do you understand what
you have done that is wrong?

- Just remind me.
- You cannot b*at up children

- and call them piglets.
- The world is changing so fast.

Inspector, you have failed to
improve at every opportunity.

You are the most small-minded
nitwit I have ever encountered.

- I am sure I can do better.
- Very well, we'll give you one more try.

I'm going to hold up a series of images,
and I want you to tell me what you see.

Just say the first thing
that comes into your mind.

A drunken Irishman.

An Englishman with bad teeth.

A San Francisco Nancy boy.

A Polish army officer
driving a septic t*nk.

Where did you get these cards?

It's in every newspaper all over the world.
We're all being made to look like idiots.

Reputations built up over a
lifetime utterly ruined.

I had to quit being a Buddhist
because I feel so much hate.

He sat on the Pope's hat!

Look, he recovered the Pink Panther
once, and I believe he can do it again.

If he solves this case, I'm perfectly
willing to run around for 24 hours

wearing nothing but a tutu and
carrying a big, pink, fluffy handbag.

I say we take a vote to get rid of him.
All in favor?

Whatever it is, count me in.

Clouseau, while you were falling
off of the Pope's balcony

dressed as the Pope, I discovered
a key piece of evidence.

And what is this key
piece of evidence?

A key.

I found this on the Pope's bedroom floor.
Something, of course, you overlooked.

That could mean anything.

But if this key is so important, I
will take it and duly examine it.

Inspector Clouseau.

It is my not-so-sad duty to inform you
that you have been voted off of the team.

Off the team?

You are no longer part
of this investigation.

Cheerio.

Nicole.

- Nicole?
- Inspector.

I was just returning a file.

What are you doing
in Nicole's office?

- When I got fired...
- You thought Nicole was the one person

- you could share it with.
- Well, we do go back.

Story of my life,

the men I'm interested in aren't
the ones interested in me.

Really? I would think all men
would be interested in you.

- Why do you say that?
- Because...

you are very attractive.
- I will see you in my office in five.

But really, there is no one?

Frankly speaking, the one big love
of my life didn't quite work out.

You poor thing.

Nicole!

No, no, no, don't let me interrupt.
I only have a message from Vicenzo.

He wants you both at this
address, immediately.

He has decided he
needs my expertise.

No. They've solved the case.

- What?
- They've solved the case.

Inspector, welcome.

Even though we've had
certain disagreements,

we are willing to share the glory with
you out of our respect for la Francia.

Pepperidge examined the
key and knew right away

it was made by a
French locksmith.

Kenji did research on the locksmiths
in Paris who sell this brand.

We asked for a list of addresses
and we found this apartment.

When we got here, we found the
owner licking the carpet.

His name is Laurence Milliken.

And the stolen items?

The Shroud of Turin!

We should have it dry-cleaned
before we return it.

The Pope's ring. His wife will
be happy to have that back.

- And where is the Pink Panther?
- Unfortunately, that cannot be recovered.

No Pink Panther?

- He explained in his su1c1de note.
- Yes.

"Life had become horribly
dull and uninteresting.

"Nothing matched the excitement
of stealing great treasures,

"so I returned,

"but I found that even stealing
no longer interested me."

"Without a purpose, I no
longer wish to live."

"I am returning every treasure but one.
The Pink Panther."

"Having it in my possession
for even a few days"

"made me realize its
fabulous beauty."

"No one must have it but
me, so I destroyed it."

"The Pink Panther is
dust, a final revenge."

"Laurence Milliken,
the Tornado."

I spent four years researching and writing
my book. I hoped to meet him alive.

The Tornado was an expert
on gems and their value?

Yes, in fact, Milliken
was the author

of the most authoritative
book on the subject.

This man did not commit these crimes.
The case has not been solved.

But, look, there's the
wound from 10 years ago.

- I stake my reputation on it.
- Well, that's not much.

- The media are outside.
- Then I will announce

- that we have solved the case.
- I wouldn't.

- I will.
- I wouldn't do it.

- I am going to.
- I wouldn't.

I am delighted to announce
that we have found IL Tornado.

The dead man in the apartment

is indubitably the
perpetrator of these crimes.

Actually, one of us disagrees
with this hypothesis.

I am sure that Milliken
is not the thief.

Hold it. We're getting the
report on the DNA evidence.

The DNA taken from the body
of Laurence Milliken today

and the DNA taken 10 years ago
from the blood of the Tornado

are a 100% match.

The man inside is the Tornado.

I'd like to thank my colleagues
for their assistance,

and especially one of your
own here in la Francia.

My most heartfelt
appreciation to Nicoletta.

You are a beacon of light
in a forest of darkness.

Nicole is no less a thief than IL
Tornado because she has stolen this.

Your mama is here.

Say goodbye to Uncle Jacques.

- Goodbye, Uncle Jacques.
- We love you, Uncle Jacques.

You are two fine, young,
little pig persons.

- Goodbye, Papa.
- Goodbye.

- When will you be coming home, Papa?
- I'm not sure.

Goodbye.

Well, Ponton, we are two
available men alone in Paris,

the most exciting
city in the world.

How should we spend our evening?

- What sort of shampoo is this?
- Jojoba.

- Jojoba.
- Jojoba.

Let me see the bottle.

- It's spelled "Jojoba."
- It's pronounced "Hohoba."

It's spelled "Jojoba," but
it's pronounced "Hohoba."

- "Hohoba."
- Why would they do something like that?

Well, Ponton, I think our bachelor night
is going very well. Who needs women?

I'm going back home to
my wife and children.

- What? What brought this on?
- You. I don't wish to end up... I mean...

I have decided that love and
family must not come second.

If I may, Inspector, look what
that thinking has done for you.

What? I'm very happy living
alone with my various shampoos.

Inspector, I still think you are
the best detective in the world.

Yet, when it comes to love, you never see
what is staring you right in the face.

Take Nicole, for example. Do you
know the color of her eyes?

Her pet's name? Her
favorite song?

You can recite an entire section of
every statute in French criminal law,

but you don't know the first thing
about the woman who loves you.

Her eyes are brown.

She loves the smell of vanilla.

She's allergic to shellfish.

She has a small scar on her
ankle, which I gave her.

She loves her cats,
Mindy and Wendy,

and Cindy, Delores, Frank,
Maxime, Caligula and Louise.

And she does not
think she is pretty.

And I can never tell
her she is pretty.

- Otherwise...
- Otherwise what?

If she knew how pretty she is, she
might choose someone other than me.

- Ponton.
- Yes?

I need a hug.

Okay.

And now, conditioner.

After more than a decade, the infamous
Tornado has finally been unmasked.

Thanks to the work of the
international Dream Team.

Their success is being celebrated
tonight in a very exclusive event.

Let's go live now to the Petit Palais
in Paris, where the gala is underway.

So, tell us about the case.

This was really not one of
my most challenging cases.

I'm surprised it even
took us this long...

My powers of observation are
so finely tuned by this point

that just one look at any situation,
and ideas come flooding into me.

Modern technology makes the
modern criminal obsolete.

And what about the Pink Panther?

- Too bad it was destroyed.
- Yes, we're very sorry about that.

Three out of four isn't bad.

- 75%.
- Yes, brilliant.

- Inspector.
- Miss Solandres.

- Quite a snarl here.
- Yes, I know.

A spot just opened up. Take it.
I'll watch the meter for you.

- Nice car.
- It's a rental.

I figured Paris, excitement,
romance, you know.

- I'm leaving Paris tonight, on the redeye.
- Bon voyage.

Goodbye, Inspector.

- You know Mrs. Dreyfus?
- Yes, sir.

Well, let me know
immediately if she arrives.

- Nicole.
- Yes.

- I thought you might be hungry.
- Well...

- That is very thoughtful of you.
- Cute car.

It's Miss Solandres' car.

Well, it's a little
chilly out here, so...

Nicole?

You are very pretty.

Well, that's odd. Some would
say I was drab and disgusting.

Well, who in their right mind could
call you drab and disgusting?

Whoever could say something
like that, would...

I said it.

- He told you?
- Yes, he did.

I only said it because I
didn't want him to...

To what?

To fall in love with you.

I don't know what to think.

- Ponton speaking.
- Ponton, here's what I want you to do.

I'm thinking of recommending

the establishment of a permanent
international police force,

which, of course, I would
be prepared to command.

Excuse me.

- What?
- I have solved the case.

- What?
- I have solved the case.

The case has been solved, Clouseau.
That is why we're having the party,

you see, because we've
solved the case.

Are you all right,
Chief Inspector?

- It's clueless Clouseau again.
- Is he here?

He's so desperate to regain his
status as the Pink Panther hero

that he's come up with the
most ingenious theory.

- What theory?
- That you are the thief.

Me?

And that you have the Pink
Panther here with you.

Now I'm feeling guilty.

I've been feuding with a man
who is mentally handicapped.

For one thing, how could Sonia
have performed the theft in Rome?

We were all there together.

Actually, the rest of
us were all at the bar.

If you recall, Miss Solandres
stayed home with a headache.

Well, that's right, but...

But where would you get the
expertise for these crimes?

Well, she is the world's foremost
authority on IL Tornado.

Just as a parlor game, what if she
obtained this expertise directly from...

What if she were his daughter?

- No, that wouldn't...
- A lover.

- Yes, a scorned lover.
- Better. Motive.

That would explain stealing
the unfenceable items

- to direct attention...
- To IL Tornado.

So she can bring him out of hiding
and set him up as the perpetrator.

- Then she could k*ll him, forge a note...
- And keep the Pink Panther.

As Clouseau said, the
one fenceable item.

Congratulations, gentlemen, a
very diverting and amusing puzzle

solved in two minutes.

Bravo.

Open your purse.

Nicoletta, you misunderstand.
This is a game, an exercise.

Yes, but just to complete the
game, let's have a look.

I have a plane to catch.

Seriously, gentlemen!

Okay, let's get this
over and done with.

Oh, my God! He was right.

Stop! I am the one
you want, not her.

Only I possess the evidence that will keep
you in prison for the rest of your life.

So if you're going to
sh**t anyone, sh**t me.

Okay.

Perhaps I did not
think that through.

Jacques!

I wish I'd sh*t him.

Look, his Medal of Honor
absorbed the b*llet.

- What?
- Not exactly.

The b*llet ricocheted
and k*lled the waiter.

Where's Sonia?

She mustn't escape.
I'll stop her.

Get back.

That g*n is pointless. There are four of
us, and you only have four b*ll*ts left.

That doesn't add up.

All right, I'm warning you,
Miss Solandres, I've got a...

Spoon?

I've got a Kn*fe.

Stop. You cannot escape.

- You don't have a match.
- That's right.

Never use an elevator
during a fire.

Fire? Leave this to me.

In the name of the statutes and
laws of the great nation of France,

you are under arrest for the theft
of the world's most priceless...

You are under arrest!

Let me go, or I will destroy it.

- Let her go.
- Let her do it.

Are you insane?

Good work, Ponton.

You moron! You twerp! You sad
excuse for a human being!

You have just destroyed the
sacred symbol of France!

- Ponton, did you bring what I asked for?
- Boys.

- Here it is, Uncle Jacques.
- Yes, yes.

I knew the Tornado would eventually
come after the Pink Panther.

So I went to the musée with
a simple plan in mind.

I had convinced my old friend,
Robert the night guard,

to turn off the security system
for the few moments necessary

to save the most beautiful
object in France.

I then switched the Pink Panther
with the replica I had at home.

This is the real Pink Panther.

It was the fake that was stolen.

Nightmare. Nightmare.

And when the Tornado, an
expert on the quality of gems,

wrote in his supposed su1c1de
note of its great beauty,

I knew he could never have been the thief.
He would have recognized it as a fake.

How did you figure
out it was Sonia?

It was because I spent the last
17 months on parking duty.

What?

Today, I was staring at Miss
Solandres' license plate.

I recognized it because of my
unique system of cross-referencing.

I became aware that I had given
a ticket to the same car

two days before Miss Solandres
claimed she arrived in Paris.

One day before the Pink
Panther was stolen.

You followed my instructions
very well, Clouseau.

It was I, of course, who put Clouseau
onto the parking ticket assignment.

- Isn't that so, Inspector?
- No.

And at Avellaneda's mansion,

when I sensed the
presence of the Tornado,

he was there, all right.

But it was not a
he, it was a she!

Clouseau is the greatest
detective in the world.

His mind is sharper than
all of us combined.

- Should we tell him?
- Absolutely not.

Inspector Clouseau.

Sometimes a man must be bold
enough to speak from the heart.

You deserve to know the
truth about Nicole and I.

- Stop. I don't want to hear.
- But nothing happened.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

- It pains me to admit, but no.
- Not even a little smoochie-woochie?

I never had a chance, because
she only has eyes for one man.

You.

Yes, you. Now please, for
God's sake, kiss her already.

Nicole, I have learned that

no man is an island.

So would you, even though it
may lead to possible injury,

marry me?

Inspector Dreyfus, thank you again for
agreeing to conduct the ceremony.

It makes everything
that much more special.

Jacques Clouseau
and Nicole Durant.

Do you promise to love,
honor and obey...

Wait! A wife does not
have to obey her husband.

Okay, scrap "obey." Do you promise
to love and honor each other?

- I do.
- I do.

Good! So by the
powers vested in me

as Chief Inspector of the
13th Arrondissement,

I now declare you
husband and wife.

Here's to peace and harmony.

- The password?
- Hamburger!

That's not it.

- Hamburger!
- No!

- Hamburger!
- No!

They must have changed it.
Clouseau, your gadget!

Clouseau, what's
the new password?

It says "low battery."

- Low battery.
- No!

No, wait. That means
the battery is low.

It wants me to go online
and renew my subscription.

- For God's sake, Clouseau!
- Kenji, please take care of this.

We have a plane to catch.

- Was it beautiful?
- Very beautiful.

- Here are your glasses.
- Thanks.

Wait.

- Was my mother there?
- Yes, absolutely!

- Can't you hear her screaming?
- Not really.
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