Morning, Doctor.
Good morning, Charles.
You're looking splendid.
I feel splendid.
Every day, and in every way,
you're feeling
Better and better.
- Indeed.
- Well, won't you sit here?
Wouldn't you like me to...
Not unless you want to.
No. I'll be quite
comfortable here. Thank you.
Doctor, I'm surprised.
Oh, of course. You--
you quit.
Three months ago.
You know, there was a time
when your forgetfulness
would have made me feel
very rejected.
Not now, hmm?
Well, a little rejected,
perhaps.
- Did you do it intentionally?
- Why should I do that?
Well, uh,
I'm a patient you consider to
be completely rehabilitated
on your recommendation soon to
appear before the sanity board
your reputation on the line.
A little test, perhaps, hmm?
Not very long ago,
an obvious trick like that
would have sent you
into a towering rage.
And poor old Clouseau
would have silently
and passively submitted
to another m*ssacre.
It's a miracle you were
somehow able
to keep putting him
back together again.
Poor old Clouseau.
There was a time when I
couldn't even speak his name.
And there was also a time
when you would
joyfully have k*lled him.
Yes.
- I was a sick man, wasn't I?
- Mmmmm.
We've come a long way,
haven't we?
And you're not even a little bit
bothered
when you think of Clouseau?
Not even a little bit.
- Do you believe me?
- If you say so.
Well, I could be lying.
You are a good psychiatrist,
but I may be a better liar.
For your sake,
I hope you're not.
Sooner or later, you'd
run into Clouseau, and then
back here for life.
No more chance
of another hearing.
Coming here day after day,
watching you chain smoke
yourself into an early grave
and knowing that
on certain mornings,
you'll be particularly
morose and testy
because you've had another fight
with your wife
like this morning.
- How do you know that?
- It's the only time you doodle.
I keep forgetting you used to be
chief inspector of the Sûreté.
And will be again.
But Clouseau
is chief inspector now.
Till the better man comes along.
Well, in that case,
I think Inspector Clouseau
had better
start looking to his laurels.
What? You mean...?
The board meets at 2:00
this afternoon.
This afternoon?
If everything goes
as I expect it to,
you'll be out of here
this afternoon.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
See you at 2:00.
Clouseau!
Now, now, Doctor.
Some people would consider
your methods most unorthodox.
I was just making sure
that you're not a better liar
than I am a psychiatrist.
2:00.
Come along. Good.
How.
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Grab hold of this.
Pull. Pull on this.
Help!
Help! Help!
Out with the bad air,
in with the good.
Out with the bad air,
in with the good.
Out, in.
- Don't look, Fiona!
- Out, out.
And now the kiss of life.
Pervert!
- Dirty old men!
- Oh...
Clouseau.
Please, there is no need
to thank me.
- Thank you?
- For saving your life.
Someone...
I was hit on the head.
Yes, you have received a beump
upon the head.
- "Beump"?
- What?
- You said "beump."
- Yes, I know that.
It is a large beump.
You could receive a concussion
from such a beump.
- Allow me to assist you.
- No!
I'm all right. I'm fine.
Never better.
Just a little-- a little shaky.
Probably the shock of--
I mean,
the surprise of seeing
you here again today.
Well, I received a report
from the sanity commission
that they were going
to review your case today
so I thought a few words from me
on your behalf
Oh, God
I mean,
how generous of you, but
Well, I'm not without influence,
you know.
Yes, I know that.
Yes, I have become
a rather important official
in the department.
I've heard. You are the new
chief inspector.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Yes, yes.
Yes, we made quite a few changes
since you went crazy.
For the better, I'm sure.
By the way, Sergeant Chevalier
sends you his kind regards.
Oh, Sergeant Chevalier.
Good old Sergeant Chevalier.
How is he, anyway?
Well, you know,
there are leaders
and there are followers.
Mmm.
and I'm afraid that
Sergeant Chevalier
will always be a follower, no?
Oh, yes.
And you, my friend Clouseau,
a leader, huh?
- Well
Always a leader?
Onwards and upwards
to the top, hmm?
- It is my karma.
- What?
- My destiny.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, a few more years
on the force
and I might even be persuaded
to run for the public office.
You can count on my vote.
And you, my friend,
can count on me
to do everything in my power
to get you out of this place.
Oh, yes. I know how you feel.
My hat. Well...
Are you all right,
former Chief Inspector?
Yes!
Yes, I'm--
I'm perfectly all right.
See?
One moment,
and I will have you extracted.
I'm fine. I am perfect.
Every day, and in every way
I'm getting better and better.
♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪
I'm afraid that this
is just not your day, my friend.
But it is my day.
It is, my friend.
After three long,
terrible years
it is at last my day.
I will not permit,
repeat, not permit, anything,
repeat,
anything, to spoil it.
Now, I will walk you
to the gate
and I will kiss you good-bye
and you will drive off
in your new car
which should
rightfully be mine
and then I will have
my interview
with the sanity commission.
And they will set me free,
and then
I will k*ll you.
- k*ll you!
- Francois!
- k*ll you!
- Start the car!
k*ll! k*ll! k*ll!
k*ll you! k*ll!
I'll k*ll him!
I want to k*ll him!
I've got to k*ll him.
Oh, allow me.
Cato?
Cato?
Ya-ha!
Forty winks.
Aha!
It's the phone.
The phone is ringing.
Relax. I'll get it.
This is Chief Inspector
Clouseau's residence.
This is Chief Inspector Clouseau
speaking on the phone.
What? Oh, put him on.
Put him on.
Good evening, Commissioner.
How are you?
How is Madame and all
the little commissioners?
I see.
Well, you can rest assured
that I shall take every
precaution that is necessary.
Thank you, Commissioner,
and good evening.
I have just received word
that former
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
has escaped
from the insane asylum.
For some reason,
the deputy commissioner
thinks that he might try
to k*ll me.
Obviously, the poor man
is crazier
than anyone gives him
the credits for.
Nevertheless, I am ordered
to take every precaution.
Now, see that the back door
and the front door are locked
while I slip into my new
hunchback disguise, Cato.
Both doors are locked now.
Who are you?
What have you done
with Inspector Clouseau?
Chief Inspector Clouseau.
Fooled you, didn't I?
Oh, Chief Inspector,
that is fantastic.
If you think
this is fantastic
wait till you see the
full effect with the hump.
The bells! The bells!
They deafen me!
Chief Inspector Clouseau?
Yes, this is
Chief Inspector Clouseau.
Who is speaking?
My name--
my name is Duval.
Claude Duval.
I have the honor
to be chairman
of the Jacques Clouseau
presentation committee.
The presentation committee?
For me?
For what purpose, may I ask?
For what purpose, you ask.
How modest of you.
The purpose, monsieur,
is to honor
one of the city's
most dedicated,
brave and selfless
public servants.
You are most generous, monsieur.
Most.
Yes, I must admit
I have often wondered,
considering my years
on the force
and my numerous accomplishments,
why recognition was not
forthcoming earlier.
Absolutely right.
Nine years faithful service
at the Sûreté
and not as much as a single
decoration in all that time.
- Yes, that is quite correct.
However,
as you are no doubt aware
I have recently received
an important promotion.
Really?
I have replaced the lunatic
Dreyfus as chief inspector.
I know, and I'm sure Paris
sleeps the more safely
because of the change.
You're very most kind.
But I can assure you
when it comes
to matters of keeping the peace
I'm always on my toes.
Chief Inspector.
One moment, please.
Can't you see
that I'm on the phone?
Oh, yes, Commissioner.
Fortunately, there was
sufficient air
still left in my hump
to keep me afloat
until the rescue.
Yes, yes.
Well, thank you very much,
Commissioner. Good-bye.
That was the commissioner.
He was most concerned.
Well, you have been
very, very lucky, you know.
Oh, yes, I know.
Poor Cato will be in
the hospital for weeks.
Do you know what kind
of a b*mb it was?
The exploding kind.
Mark my words, Francois.
Sinister forces are at work.
And this mad bomber must
be apprehended at all costs.
Make sure you issue an
all-points bulletin immediately.
- Yes, sir.
- What about my clothes?
Oh, Sergeant Chauvin
is rounding some up for you.
Hmm. Yes.
While you're waiting,
perhaps you would sign the order
to transport Jean Tournier
to prison.
- Tournier the bank robber?
- Yes.
I shall be happy
to sign that order.
Ah, it's life for you
this time, Tournier.
At last, we are rid of you.
I have to go to the toilet.
All right.
Thank you.
Tournier.
All right, Tournier.
That's long enough.
Now this is my plan.
Step number one:
I will recruit the world's
greatest criminal minds.
Step number two:
I will build an organisation
so sinister, so, so powerful
that by comparison,
the Cosa Nostra will seem
like the Vienna Boys' Choir.
Here is the list.
But half of these men
are in prison.
- We'll get them out.
- Impossible.
I'll bet you 20 million francs
it isn't.
Where would I get
20 million francs?
I thought you'd ask that.
Step number three: Next Thursday
at precisely 2:00 p.m.,
you and six men will enter
the main branch of
the Paris credit bank.
This afternoon, at
approximately
five minutes to 5:00
three men dressed in building
maintenance uniforms
entered and robbed
the Paris credit bank.
The leader has been identified
as Jean Tournier.
- Hmmm
Uh How much did they get?
Millions. Here's the report.
All right. That will be all,
Francois. Thank you.
Twenty million francs.
And now, the next step.
Hugo Fassbender and his
daughter have been kidnapped.
- Professor Fassbender?
- Yes. Paris has a theory.
They're sending over
their top man,
a Chief Inspector Clouseau.
He just sent this telegram.
"Arrived Gatwick Airport,
B.R.121, 12:38 p.m."
Yes? Who are you?
- Jarvis, sir.
- And what is it you do?
- I am the butler.
- Ah, the butler. Yes, yes.
Can you tell me where you were
on the night of the kidnapping?
- Asleep in my room, sir.
- Asleep in your room.
- Can you prove that?
- No.
Make a note of that,
Sergeant Yard.
Tell the staff to assemble
in the drawing room.
I will interview them
in a few moments.
Yes, sir.
- What was your name again?
- Uh, Jarvis.
Jarvis, that's right.
Perhaps you'll be kind enough
to show me around the house.
Very good, sir.
I suggest we start
with the upstairs.
- This is the upstairs, sir.
- Yes, I know that. I know that.
This is a door.
Uh, yes, sir, that is a door.
- Yes, I know that. I know that.
- It's not locked, sir.
Obviously.
Stay where you are.
I prefer to handle this alone.
Is there anybody hiding there
in the dark?
Nothing like a good warm-up
when you're on a case, you know?
Tell me, which switch did
you use to turn on the lights?
The light switch, sir.
Strange. It didn't work for me.
- Ah. Hmm.
Yes.
Unless I miss my guess, this
would be the, uh,
gymnasium room, huh?
- Great guess, sir.
- Yes. It is a good room.
Yes.
This reminds me
of my younger days
at the Sûreté police academy.
The parallel bars,
my speciality.
I was something of an athlete,
you know. Yes, yes.
I was known as the Pavlova
of the parallels.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it's all coming back now.
Yes, I remember it--
Well, that felt good!
Well, now. I expect you're all
wondering why I asked you here.
It's obvious that the knight
that wore that suit
did not last very long.
Yes, yes. I know, I know.
Now, um...
Yes. As I was saying, um...
You were saying you
supposed we were all
- wondering why you called us.
Look. There is no need
for you to speak
unless I ask you a question.
- What is your name?
- I'm Shork, the gardener.
- And what is it you do?
- I'm the gardener.
Why didn't you say that
to me in the first place?
I did.
Look, don't try to be
funny with me, monsieur.
This is a very serious matter
and everyone in this room
is under the suspicions.
-"Reum"?
- What? What was that?
- You said, "Reum."
- Yes, I know that.
And there is a very good chance
that someone in this room
knows more about the m*rder
than he is telling.
- m*rder?
- What was that you said?
- I said m*rder.
- What m*rder?
Well, I don't know.
You said m*rder.
I said m*rder?
You said m*rder!
No, I said m*rder
because you said m*rder!
- I said m*rder?
- You said there was
someone in this room
who knew more about the m*rder
than he's telling.
Now listen...
- What was your name?
- Shork.
- The cook.
- Gardener.
Ah!
Now we are getting somewhere.
- You--
Oh, dear!
Are you all right,
Mr. Stutterstutt?
- Who is this man?
- He's Mr. Stutterstutt.
I see, and what is your job,
Mr. Stuckerstuff?
He's the beekeeper.
I'm not asking you.
I'm asking Mr. Stuffsucker.
What's that?
What is he saying to you?
What? What was that?
He says he's got
a bit of a cold,
and he's lost his voice.
Lost his voice. A beekeeper
who has lost his voice
a cook who thinks
he's a gardener
and a witness to a m*rder.
Oh, yes. It is obvious
to my trained eye
that there is much more
going on here
than meets the ear.
Before you are dismissed,
Mr. Stiffsticker
I suggest you count your bees.
You may find that one of them
is missing.
You ruined that piano!
What is the price of one piano
compared to the terrible crime
that has been committed here?
But that's a priceless Steinway!
Not anymore. What is your name?
Mrs. Leverlilly.
Mrs. Loveliver.
I would take a shrewd guess
that you are the housekeeper,
am I right?
I have been with Professor
Fassbender for 30 years.
That would account
for your exaggerated hysteria
over a simple blemish
on the furniture.
Blemish!
Whatever has happened
to the piano
can easily be repaired.
What has happened
to Professor Fassbender
and his daughter
is another matter.
And it is my job to bring
the guilty party, or parties,
to their justice.
Now, then, what do we know?
That Professor Fassbender
and his daughter
have been kidnapped.
That someone has
kidnapped them.
That my hand is on fire.
Oh, Drummond, what's going on?
Oh, uh, good afternoon, sir.
Inspector Clouseau has been
interrogating the staff.
Inspector Clouseau,
Superintendent Quinlan.
Oh, Inspector.
Superintendent.
Why don't you just tell Potters
that he's incompetent
and request that he be taken off
the case?
Because we've got enough trouble
with France without suggesting
that their greatest detec--
detective is a fool.
Steady.
Where is he now?
He is shadowing
the Fassbender farm.
Hello, sailor.
- Yes?
- Who are you?
Chuck. Who are you?
What's that?
I am Chief Inspector
Jacques Clouseau of the Sûreté.
Oh, how exciting.
I think I will just
take a look around.
Yes. Well, you'll have to
make use of the bar first
or take a table.
The show starts
in a couple of minutes.
In that case,
I will take the table.
Right. Follow me, Jock.
- Jacques.
- Jack?
Ladies and gentlemen, once again
it is my profound pleasure
to introduce
the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis!
♪ What's a queen ♪
♪ Without a castle ♪
♪ You're right ♪
♪ No queen at all ♪
♪ And you'd be
right again to say ♪
♪ The winter's day ♪
♪ ls cold ♪
♪ Till you ♪
♪ Come ♪
♪ Until you love me ♪
♪ I always will be wanting ♪
♪ This need I need ♪
♪ Can come from only you ♪
♪ Until you love me ♪
♪ I'll live a life of longing ♪
♪ For that's the
next best thing ♪
♪ I can do ♪
♪ No way of knowing ♪
♪ Which way your heart
is going ♪
♪ To go ♪
♪ I don't think you know ♪
♪ Take as long as it takes ♪
♪ Your love ♪
♪ To grow ♪
♪ Until you love me ♪
♪ Not one dream can come true ♪
♪ In all my dreams ♪
♪ There is a place ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ And so I'll keep
those dreams ♪
♪ Until ♪
♪ You love me ♪
♪ Too ♪'
Why is it that this afternoon
you are Jarvis,
the Fassbender butler
and tonight, you are
Inspector, inspector,
before you get yourself all--
Madame or monsieur,
I must warn you.
You had better watch your step.
- Something wrong, Ainsley?
- Of course not, Bruno.
No, the inspector here
was just warning me
that I had to watch my step.
You see, back in France,
he's known as king of the tango.
- Tango?
- Oh, I'd love to.
- The kidnappers are here.
- Kidnappers?
Okay. Let's go.
You want to call Paris now?
Look at it this way.
It can't possibly get any worse.
Ah, Professor Fassbender!
What an honor to have you
and your charming daughter
as my guests.
- Who the devil are you?
- Ah, yes.
Who the devil, indeed.
Come. Sit down.
Let us just say for the moment
that I'm your host
and that I will do
everything in my power
to make your stay here
at Mondschein Castle
as pleasant as possible.
Providing, of course,
that you reciprocate
by giving me something
that I very much want.
And that would be?
I am fascinated by your work
on time-space relationships
particularly the vortices
of electromagnetic aberrations.
I see.
And do you work
for a particular government
or do you expect to sell my
discovery to the highest bidder?
Neither, Professor.
Nothing so mundane.
You and I, we're going
to join forces, Professor.
We're going to build
the Doomsday Machine
and conquer the world.
- Have a sweet.
- You're mad.
Mad? On the contrary.
Every day, in every way
I've been getting better
and better.
Mad? Was Hannibal mad?
Or Alexander?
Surely Napoleon was the
maddest of them all. Mad?
We shall see, Professor.
- I shall tell you nothing.
- I think you will.
I'll die first.
Show Miss Fassbender
to the schoolroom.
Daddy?
What are you going to do?
Something so very, very painful,
so hideous
your father will have no choice
but to cooperate.
No!
All right. All right,
I'll tell you anything.
The Wolverines certainly have
to put some points
on the scoreboard.
I'm sure that Green
will come out throwing.
He's got to get that ball
down deep into Navy territory.
Green, now on third down,
looks to the left, throws it
All right, team! Let's go!
Throw's complete to Rhodes!
He's inside the 50!
He's to the 20!
The clock is running down.
Can the Wolverines do it?
- What happened?
-Where's the game?
-Who is that?
-Hello there.
- He's on every station.
- Well, call the F.C.C.
Hold it! Hold it!
He's saying something.
Mr. President,
everybody, calm down.
Calm down, hell!
This is an emergen--
An emergency.
Did Michigan score?
Please, let's hear
what the fellow has to say.
It is little enough to ask
the life of one man
against a holocaust
that could destroy the globe.
What the hell's
he talking about?
Quiet.
That's why I say again
give me Clouseau.
And we can all sleep
secure in our beds.
What's a Clouseau?
And so, next week
I shall give the world a--
a demonstration
of the awesome power I hold.
On Saturday, October 9th
at precisely 3:00 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time
the United Nations building
will vanish
from the face of the earth.
And the g*n goes off.
The game is over.
Call the F.B.I., the C.I.A.
and the Pentagon.
Find out who won the game!
That's a photograph taken
by an American news photographer
while the broadcast
was in progress.
Paris has identified him
as one Charles Dreyfus
former chief inspector
of the Sûreté.
- You're joking.
- And more recently, an inmate
at the state facility
for the criminally insane.
Until he escaped.
Here's a text of his speech.
He obviously controls equipment
sophisticated enough
to pirate the satellite.
"Give me Clouseau,
and we can all
sleep secure in our beds."
Thought that bit
might interest you.
That's one crazy chief inspector
talking about another
crazy chief inspector.
What does he mean anyway?
"Give me Clouseau."
Listen to this. "Little enough
to ask the life of one man
against a holocaust
that could destroy the globe."
You missed the best bit. Look.
He also threatens to make
the U.N. building disappear.
-Looking Glass?
- Fassbender
Give me--
Give me Lovell. Home Office.
- Where's Clouseau?
- I've no idea.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
once again,
the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis.
Monsieur Jarvis?
Monsieur Jarvis?
- Sir, the coroner's report.
- Ah, yes.
It's amazing. Even after
he had been stabbed twice
he was still able
to break the kidnapper's neck.
- Ah, pity.
- Yes, he had a lovely voice.
No, I meant pity that
the kidnapper's dead.
We might have got
something out of him.
I did get something out of him.
What?
What's that?
- A clue.
- "Klew"?
- What?
- You said a klew.
Yes. A brochure clue
advertising the Oktoberfest
in Munich.
It begins the day
after tomorrow.
And you think the dead man
was planning to go there,
perhaps to meet someone?
Yes. Perhaps to meet
the lunatic Dreyfus.
At one time, partners
in the w*r against crime
now, arch-enemies.
- You'll need help.
- I prefer to do this alone.
Yes, but if Dreyfus is
what we suspect,
he probably has an
army behind him.
Of course it won't be easy,
but nothing worthwhile ever is.
That is why I have always failed
where others have succeeded.
For me, the greater the odds,
the greater the challenge.
And, as always,
I accept the challenge.
Well, I am off to Munich.
Most ingenious.
The old closet ploy.
I really must congratulate you.
If there's one thing I do enjoy
it's a good closet ploy.
Well, until we meet again
and the case is solved.
The case is solved.
Four minutes.
We're gonna look like a bunch
of Dipsy Doodles
if this turns out to be a hoax.
Well
we would look very foolish
if we didn't take
every precaution
and it turned out
not to be a hoax.
Dr. Fassbender and
Operation Looking Glass
are certainly no hoax,
Mr. Secretary.
God. A w*apon like that in the
hands of a crazy Frenchman.
You are certain?
You can do it?
Theoretically, yes.
For your daughter's sake,
I sincerely hope so.
Ah, the dreams I had.
All the terrible things
I was going to do
to that sweet child
if you failed.
Look, I've done
everything you asked.
Not yet.
When the U.N. building vanishes,
then you will have done
everything I asked.
What do you suppose
they will call the crater, huh?
The Dreyfus Ditch!
- There should be no crater.
- No crater?
But I want a crater.
I want wreckage, twisted metal.
Something the world
will not forget.
- They will not forget today.
- They won't? Wonderful.
I have to tinkle again. Don't
do anything till I get back.
Too late. The countdown started.
One minute.
Thirty seconds.
Seven, six
five, four
three, two, one!
Ignition!
Today,
the U.N. building.
Tomorrow, who knows?
I think by now that the nations
of the world are aware of the
the awesome power
which I control.
A power so great, it--
if I choose, I could--
I could wipe out an entire city.
After all,
what is the life of a man
compared to the destruction
of a whole city?
I give you seven days.
Seven days.
Okay.
Well done. Well done.
So, now we wait.
All this to get one cop?
But we have some of the finest
hit men here in Europe.
In this very room.
Yeah. Why don't we take
care of it ourselves, huh?
Because you wouldn't
stand a chance.
- Ah, sure.
- Aw, come on.
- You don't know Clouseau.
- He can't be that good.
Good? He's not good.
He's terrible.
He's the worst.
There is not any man like him
anywhere in the world.
Compared to Clouseau,
this Doomsday Machine is--
is just a water p*stol.
That's why it will take
all the great nations
with all of their
trained assassins
and all of their
sophisticated m*rder weapons
to eliminate Clouseau.
Taxi, please.
This gentleman
- What are you doing?
- That's my case.
Lucky for you, I am in a hurry.
Otherwise you would have
been arrested.
And when it comes to the matter
of eliminating Clouseau
nobody wants to have anybody
else get the credit for it.
It's a matter of national pride.
Well, I think we all agree,
don't we, Mr. President,
that we simply cannot afford
to allow any other country
to get hold of
Fassbender's machine.
And crazy or not,
anyone who has gone
to the lengths
that Dreyfus has gone to
in order to eliminate one man
it's reasonable to assume
that Dreyfus will smile
very kindly
on the one who eliminates
Inspector Clouseau.
I think that's
pretty far-fetched.
Mr. President,
if I told you one week ago
that the U.N. building
would disappear
and that a certified lunatic
would blackmail the entire--
You made your point.
What do we do?
Well, Mr. President,
Clouseau is in Munich.
Well, I ordered one of our
top people to Munich yesterday.
- Yesterday?
- Well, just in case.
He's just reported in.
Clouseau has gone
to the Oktoberfest.
I wonder if we have enough time
before the others act.
Germany's already acted,
and bungled it.
According to the latest
code transmission
twelve countries have got
their top assassins in Munich
and they're all converging
on the Oktoberfest.
My God, it will be
like a sh**ting gallery.
Try one of my pretzels.
They're good.
What are you doing
to this poor, motherless child?
You great big bully.
There, there, little boy.
Sir.
- I better call the President.
- You know what time it is?
He wants me to call.
Put me in, Coach.
What's the score?
Yes!
It's okay. How many?
Twenty-six, Mr. President.
Holy cow. No wonder Dreyfus
wants that Clouseau k*lled.
He's a one-man army.
Who's left?
Just the Russian
and the Egyptian.
MY key. please.
127, please.
Good evening,
Inspector Clouseau.
I couldn't sleep,
and I just happened
to be in the neighbourhood.
I hope you don't mind.
You Frenchmen are so romantic.
♪ Thank heaven ♪
♪ For little girls ♪
Swine maid.
Oh, forgive me, darling.
I've just washed my hands.
They must have been freezing.
Freezing? Yes, yes.
Something wrong?
Wrong? Oh, no, no.
What could be wrong?
Then come back to bed.
Yes, yes, of course.
Into the bed, you know.
And take off
those so-silly pyjama's.
You may rest assured
you will never see these
so-silly pyjama's again.
That I can assure you.
Darling?
Yes, I won't be a moment, uh...
darling.
Hurry, darling.
I'm just going to take a bath.
A bath?
Excuse me.
Yes.
Hello, this is
Chief Inspector Clouseau.
There is a beautiful woman
in my bed
and a dead man in my bath.
If you're
going to take a bath,
I want to take one with you.
Darling, it's freezing out here.
Let me in.
Madame,
I arrest you for the m*rder
of the man in this bathtub.
What?
And I must warn you that--
a-- a--
anything
you say will be taken down
and used in evidence against me.
You.
Who is he?
I don't know.
He looks familiar.
- He looks like you.
- Looks like me?
Tournier, the bank robber.
What is he doing in your bathtub
dressed up like you?
It is a question
I could very easily ask you.
But he has been shot
and I do not carry a g*n.
Obviously not, no.
I am Olga Bariosova.
Until one hour ago,
I was a loyal Russian agent
under direct order
from the presidium to k*ll you.
To k*ll me?
I was considered
a perfect liquidator
because no man had ever been
able to involve me emotionally
until tonight.
Do you think that you
could fall in love
with an ex-Russian agent?
Well, uh, of course,
everything is possible, yes.
- But you are not the same.
- Huh?
Oh, well, of course,
dead men in bathtubs
have been known
to make quite a difference,
you know.
Anyway, this is the man who can
lead me to the lunatic Dreyfus,
who it is my sworn duty
to apprehend.
I, too, had a sworn duty,
but I have forsaken it,
become traitor,
given up everything for you.
With me,
it is the duty that comes first.
Oh, make an exception
just this once.
I wish that I could.
You can. I guarantee it.
No, you see, I--
- Oh, look! Look!
- What?
That tattoo.
When I arrested Tournier,
he did not have that tattoo.
It looks like the
Mondschein crest.
Mondschein?
- Mmmmm.
- What is that?
An infamous family who ruled
Bavaria in the 15th century.
I read somewhere
that the Mondschein Castle
had recently been sold.
You read somewhere that
they had sold the castle?
Fancy them selling the castle,
just like that.
The castle!
- Yes. Dreyfus.
- Dreyfus.
He is in the castle.
Merde.
Farewell. I am off
to Mondschein Castle.
Must be getting a cavity.
When can my daughter
and I leave?
When Clouseau is no more,
perhaps.
I have done
everything you asked.
You've done everything
I've asked so far
but I have not asked everything.
What you mean is that you have
no intention of letting us go.
You plan to continue
your reign of terror
whether Clouseau is eliminated
or not.
I must admit the thought
had occurred to me.
You are mad.
And you are redundant,
Professor.
Redundant and fallacious.
Madness does not
preclude achievement.
You cannot operate the machine
without me.
Not yet,
but when you have taught me.
And if I refuse to teach you?
Then, regrettably,
I would have to take
the matter up
with your charming daughter.
- What kind of a man are you?
- A madman.
- You said so yourself.
- Boss! Boss!
It's true.
When?
Early this morning,
in his hotel room.
He's dead!
He's dead
in his hotel bedroom!
Hurray! I'm free!
Oh, I'm so happy, Professor.
I'm so
Guten tag.
Good day.
My name is Professor Guy Gabroir
medieval castle authority
from Marseilles.
Tell me, do you have a room?
I do not know
what a "reum" is.
Zimmer.
Ah! A room!
That is what I have
been saying, you idiot.
Room.
Zimmer.
Does your dog bite?
No.
Nice doggy-
I thought you said
your dog did not bite.
That is not my dog.
Swine moat.
Anything I can get you, boss?
I can't stand it any longer.
Get me a dentist!
Yeah? Yeah.
No, no.
Dr. Schultz lives here
but he has gone fishing.
Yeah.
I don't know. Yeah.
I will tell him.
Did I hear you say
a doctor lives here?
He's a doctor and a dentist.
He made mein teeth for me.
They want him up at the castle.
Up at the castle?
Where can I find him?
Hmm?
Dr. Schultz has gone fishing.
He probably won't
be back until--
Show me his Zimmer.
- Hmm?
- His room!
Hello!
It's Dr. Schultz
from the village, you know.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
- Dr. Schultz is here.
- Where?
Ah, here, Doctor.
Please hurry.
I am in agony.
Guten tag!
All will be well soon.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Yes.
The bone.
I can set it later.
- Please hurry.
- First of all, I will need
some hot water and towels.
Get some hot water, Harry.
And lock the door.
- I don't want to be disturbed.
- And lock the door, Harry.
He does not wish
to be disturbed, you know.
Please, Doctor, hurry.
I can't stand the pain.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes. Now, then, let me see.
- Ow.
- What?
My eye.
Your eye?
I thought it was your tooth.
But it is my tooth!
I wish you would make
your mind up.
I don't normally
make castle calls
in the middle of the night,
you know.
Doctor.
Wait while I...
Yes, that's...
There it is.
Now, open wide, please.
Now, let me see.
Tell me when this hurts.
- Is it that one?
- unh-unh.
- Is it that one?
- Ah, is it that one?
Ah, there is the naughty one.
- Are you going to pull it?
- Pull it?
Yes, of course I will pull it.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Please give me something
to put me out.
Put you out?
Yes. Here, first you must wear
this special anaesthetic
cotton wool, you know.
Wear it over the eyes.
On no account look out from
under the anaesthetic cotton
because that will ruin
the whole effect
of the anaesthetic on the eyes.
You want me to
hold it like that?
Hold it like that on the eyes
while I get some...
Please hurry, Doctor.
I-- I can't stand the pain.
Yes. Coming soon.
What are you doing?
Just rearranging the furniture
in order to give you the
full effect of the anaesthetic.
Please, doctor, I'm in agony!
Not for much longer.
That was hell down there.
What's wrong?
Whoever built this house put
the stairs in the wrong place.
Do you mean you-- you--
you fell down the stairs?
I was, uh, preoccupied
with the anaesthetic, you know.
It's really hot in here,
isn't it? Hot in here.
Now, the, uh...
anaesthetic.
"Nitrous oxide."
What's that?
That is the--
the anaesthetic, you know.
Oh, good.
Yes, it is good, yes. Yes.
Please, Doctor.
The pain is getting worse.
Please, hurry up.
A few whiffs of this,
and you won't feel a thing.
- All right.
- Now, breathe deeply.
- How's that?
- It's fine.
How do you feel?
A little--
a little dizzy.
- What's so funny?
- I don't know. Nothing.
- Then why are you laughing?
- I don't know.
- Why are you laughing?
- Because I-- I can't help it.
Yes.
I love it.
- Come on.
- It's gonna hurt.
Good. Lovely.
I will have to use
more leverage.
I don't know what you gave me,
Doctor
but it's giving me
hallucinations.
Your whole--
your whole face has changed.
It has?
How's this?
Grotesque!
- Boss!
We just got word, boss.
Clouseau is still alive.
I knew it!
He--
he has pulled the wrong tooth!
There's only one man
who would pull the wrong tooth.
It's Clouseau!
k*ll him!
k*ll him!
Get Fassbender and his daughter
into the control room.
What about Clouseau?
Priorities.
First I will pick a target.
Then Clouseau.
Now we'll see
who has the last laugh.
They've all betrayed me,
and now they will have to pay.
What shall I destroy?
Buckingham Palace? Too small.
How about London?
Not big enough.
England! Yes, England.
♪ Good-bye, Piccadilly ♪
♪ Farewell, Leicester Square ♪
You are just in time,
Professor.
Within five minutes,
I shall destroy England.
England!
No more cricket.
No more warm beer, Professor.
No more fish and chips.
No more--
England!
Do something.
You brought it on yourself.
It's too late.
Wait!
Do something!
Come- come back! Help me!
Look!
You've gotta help me.
Help, Professor! Help!
Cato, my little yellow friend,
I'm home.
New Entry
Cato?
I gave Cato the night off.
But what has happened
to my room?
♪ Come to me ♪
♪ And the world
will be ours tonight ♪
♪ Make me yours ♪
♪ Come and hold me tight ♪
♪ I must have you ♪
♪ Come closer ♪
♪ Love me now ♪
♪ And I'll give
all I've got to give ♪
♪ Make it soon
so that I can live ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ And dream for two ♪
♪ I'm here and I'll stay here ♪
♪ For at least forevermore ♪
♪ Oh, darling, can't you see ♪
♪ I want you loving me ♪
♪ I need you,
come to me ♪
♪ And we'll walk
in the sun each day ♪
♪ Summer will be a kiss away ♪
♪ Just wait and see ♪
♪ Oh, what a moment
that will be ♪
♪ When you come to me ♪
Darling?
-Darling.
- Oh.
My darling. Oh.
Darling, sing to me.
Sing to you? Oh.
♪ Come to me ♪
♪ And the world ♪
♪ It will be ours tonight ♪
Darling? Darling?
Darling!
Where did you go?
- Your voice?
- Yes, that was my voice.
That was my voice singing a--
a little song we used to sing
in the Resistance
to keep up the courage.
Was it hard for you
in the Resistance?
Very hard, but not as hard
as it is now.
Darling, relax.
Resistance is over.
My darling.
- My beautiful darling.
- What?
Cato! You imbecile,
not now, Cato!
Pink Panther Strikes Again, The (1976)
Moderator: Maskath3