I'm just gonna get some flowers,
dear. I'll be back in 20 minutes.
It's tulip season today,
and I'm, oh, so happy.
- Son of a...
- Come on, sweetie.
Come on, sweetie.
Excuse me.
Yes, come on. Come
on, now, sweetheart.
Come on, sweetie. Come on.
Go for a little ride, then you
can whiz all over the city.
Come on.
Come on. Go for a ride.
Come on. Come on, sweetie.
No. Freeze, freeze.
Leg down. Leg down.
Leg down. Leg down.
That's it. That's
it. Come on, now.
Come on. Come on, now. Come on.
No. You monkey-eared
son of a bitch.
You have pissed your last floor.
I bet you... wish you
were... a real dog.
Oh. Oh, you...
you dog-eared monkey.
This is New York. If you can make
it here, you can make it anywhere.
You ugly, smelly...
- Verdell?
- Oh.
Verdell? Verdell?
Where's my good doggie? Verdell?
Come here, sweetheart.
Mr. Udall?
- Have, Have you seen Verdell?
- What does he look like?
My dog. You know, my...
my dog with the little face,
little adorable face.
Don't you know what
my dog looks like?
Oh. I got it. You were
talking about your dog.
Yeah.
I thought it was the
name of that coloured
man that I've been
seeing in the halls.
Which colour was that?
Like thick molasses.
With a broad nose.
Frank.
Perfect for smelling
trouble and prison food.
Frank.
Simon, you have got
to get dressed.
- Frank Sachs, Melvin Udall.
- How ya doing?
Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall.
I think... Yeah, I
think you know that.
People are gonna start coming.
What I know is as long as you keep
your work zipped up around me...
I don't give a rat crap what
or where you shove your show.
Are we done being
neighbours for now?
Let me talk to you for a minute.
No, no, no.
Not worth it. Definitely
not worth it.
Verdell must be in the apartment.
Okay.
Hope you find him. Love that dog.
You don't love
anything, Mr. Udall.
One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Okay.
Hot. Hot, hot, hot.
Ooh. Ooh.
Oh, Carl, Carl.
Hi, Carl.
Frank. So, where is he?
He's here, isn't he?
- He lives here. No, no.
- Take it easy.
He just had a little
thing with the dog.
First of all, it's not such a
hot-looking dog. He's adorable.
Where are you going, Frank?
Who buys more than me?
Good Lord. My honey,
where have you been?
Oh, look at my boy. Look at him.
- Yeah, I found him, Mr. Bishop.
- I know you did. We know you did.
Where was my little baby?
Where was my baby?
In the basement garbage
bin, eating diaper sh*t.
Go ahead, John. You
earned your fun.
I'm sorry. It just
struck me as funny.
Oh, wait.
How did he get down
in the basement?
I mean, even if he got
in the elevator...
Maybe some nice neighbour shoved
him down the garbage chute?
"Somewhere in the dark,"
"She had confessed,
and he had forgiven."
"'This is what you
live for', he said."
"Two heads on a pillow,
where all is approval,"
"and there is only the safety
of being with each other."
"How, she wondered, could
she find such hope..."
"in the most shameful
part of her?"
Mr. Udall?
"At last, she was
able to define love."
"Love was..."
Mr. Udall, I'd like to
speak to you, please.
Let me do this by myself.
"Love was..."
Are you in there?
Son of a bitch.
Pansy ass stool pusher.
Yes.
- Maybe this can wait.
- Yeah.
I found... I found
Verdell, Mr. Udall.
Well, that's a load off.
Huh. Did you... Did you
do something to him?
Do you realise that
I work at home?
No. I wasn't aware.
Do you like to be
interrupted when you're
nancing around in
your little garden?
- No, no, I...
- No, no.
I actually will turn the
ringer off on my phone
and sometimes put a piece
of cardboard in...
Well, I work all the time.
So never, never
interrupt me. Okay?
Not if there's a fire,
not even if you hear the sound
of a thud from my home...
and one week later,
there's a smell
coming from there
that can only be...
a decaying human
body, and you have
to hold a hankie to your face...
because the stench is so thick
that you think you're gonna faint.
Even then, don't come knocking.
Or, if it's election night,
and you're excited and
you want to celebrate
because some fudge
packer that you date...
has been elected the first q*eer
president of the United States,
and he's going to have
you down to Camp David,
and you want someone to
share the moment with.
Even then, don't knock.
Not on this door.
Not for any reason.
Do you get me, sweetheart?
Yes.
It's not a... subtle point
that you're making.
Okay, then.
So, the theory of
confrontation says now
he'll think twice
before messing with me.
All right.
"Love was..."
What was love?
"Love was..."
Now I'm pissed. Now
I am really pissed.
Hoo. Don't touch.
Don't touch. Don't touch.
Shut up.
You think you can
intimidate the whole world
with your attitude, but
you don't intimidate me.
I grew up in hell, homeboy.
My grandmother had more attitude.
Police.
Doughnut-munching morons. Help me.
Help me. Help me.
Shut up.
as*ault and battery,
and you're black.
I like Simon. I like him enough
to batter you unrecognisable...
if you verbally abuse him or so
much as touch that dog again.
Meantime,
I'm gonna think of some way
that you can make it up to him.
I hate doing this.
I'm an art dealer.
Have a nice day. Okay. Party.
Party.
Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't
touch. Don't touch.
Get a life.
Hey, watch it. Don't touch.
Look at you. You're
all better, huh? Huh.
It's that new medication.
So you know all my
son's stuff, right?
No, no, no, no. I got
a date tonight. I'm
walking out the door,
he says to me,
"Mum, I promise not
to get one of my
fevers or coughs
during your date."
Isn't that sweet?
Little blond angel.
Eats everything.
It just came out. I
said, "You love me"
the way you love
your remote control.
As long as I switch
every time you press
- "one of my buttons."
- That's great.
- I know, yeah.
- Terrific.
I think people that
talk in metaphors
ought to shampoo my crotch.
- Eat up.
- Stay there. I've got your money.
No, you pay me next week.
No, I owe you. I told you
today. That's the rule.
Excuse me, Melvin.
Excuse me.
- There you go. You take care.
- Thank you.
Pardon me.
Pardon me. Take the money.
Debts make me crazy.
This way you take
a cab home so you
have time to get
ready for the date.
"Ready" is not my problem.
I'm starving.
Go on. Sit down. You know
you're not allowed back here.
Spence is more excited
by it than I am.
He says, "Mum, I
promise not to get"
a fever or cough
during your date."
Coming through.
Sometimes, this kid,
you just wanna...
I've got Jews at my table.
It's not you're table; it's
the place's table. Behave.
This once, you can sit at
someone else's station.
Or you can wait your turn.
You have feelings for...
Well, yes.
How much more you got to eat?
Appetites aren't as big
as your noses, huh?
- What?
- That's it. Forget it.
All right. Let me talk to him.
Let's go.
I don't care how
many books he sells.
Barred for life.
Here I go.
- They left.
- Yeah, what do you know?
Bryan says he doesn't care
how long you've been coming.
You ever act like this again,
you're barred for life.
I'm gonna miss the excitement,
but I'll handle it.
Three eggs over easy,
two sausage, six strips
of bacon with fries.
- Fries today?
- A short stack,
coffee with cream and sweetener.
You're gonna die soon with
that diet, you know that.
Ah, we're all gonna
die soon. I will, you
will, and it sure sounds
like your son will.
If you ever mention
my son again, you
will never be able
to eat here again.
Do you understand?
Give me some sign you
understand, or leave now.
Do you understand
me, you crazy f*ck?
Do you?
Yeah, yeah. Yes.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
Okay, I'll get your order.
Why don't you wear
my earrings tonight.
It's just so interesting
what you said at dinner.
You said it like it was
nothing. I mean if you...
Where's the bedroom?
The truth...
This is sort of it. I sort of...
I sort of sleep in here.
Don't worry about it.
What?
I don't know.
Grandma. Grandma.
Maybe you'd better check.
What did you think I was gonna do?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Mum. Mama.
I was hearing everything
that you were doing,
so I put these on to
give you privacy.
So how was dinner?
- Hey, pal.
- How's your friend?
- You okay?
- Not bad.
You got a temperature?
Scootch over.
Where did your friend
take you to eat?
Nice place.
Carol, I have him. Carol.
- One more spit.
- I said I have him. He's waiting.
Go.
She has me.
Okay, pal. Give me a hug.
Carol.
Give me a big hug.
Carol, I have him.
I'm okay, Mum. She has me. Go.
Close the curtains.
No, no, no. You can't
smoke. He can't take smoke.
Magic.
Oh.
Ah. Oh, God. Well,
that'll teach you.
I don't even notice it anymore.
All right. Come here.
It's all right. You don't
have to get that embarrassed.
It's a little bit of throw-up.
Little bit of throw up.
Well, what should we do?
Want me to write down
which trains you take
to get home, or you
wanna lay down and...
No, no, no. I'll take a cab.
Just a little too much
reality for a Friday night.
I just can't. I promised
Simon I'd find him a model.
Carl, take me off
the speaker. Did I
tell you that these
are house seats?
Come on. You could use a break.
Hello? Carl?
You there?
Hello? Okay. I just found a model.
Hey, boys.
Hey, look. I know this guy. He
even bought me dinner. Hey.
Carl, right?
Hey. What's going on?
- Hey. Hi. Remember?
- I only need one.
You picked me up, maybe a few
weeks, I don't know,
some time ago.
But this is for a portrait.
I need a pretty face.
Portrait?
Come here. I'll give you the
address. It's for
tomorrow morning.
- Brad Pitt is the sh*t.
- Do you read?
Who is it, baby?
Who is that, Verdell? Who is that?
I'm sorry. I told you today.
I was out in the studio doing
my work, and I just...
- It's out here.
- You sure have great things.
Gershwin. He's great, isn't he?
I usually make such
a big deal about
picking models, but
Carl is so thorough.
I bet he drove you nuts
checking your résumé, huh?
This is not a nude.
Just kidding around.
So much for love.
And yet another pose.
Exactly what is your
previous experience?
How about that?
I'm running out of ideas here.
Well, then give me
some direction, okay?
Nothing. I just watch until
something, strikes me.
I mean, do, do anything
that you think of.
Wait for me to say,
"Hold that pose,"
and then just try to...
comfortably hold it.
No direction.
Okay.
What I do is I watch.
You ever watch
somebody who doesn't
know that you're watching them?
An old woman... sitting on a bus,
or kids going to school
or somebody just waiting?
And you see this flash
come over them,
and you know immediately
that it has
nothing to do with
anything external,
because that hasn't changed.
And when you see it,
they're just sort
of "realer" and
they're more alive.
I mean, you look at someone long
enough, you discover
their humanity.
Wow.
No, no. I know exactly
what you mean.
Oh, my God. Hold it.
- Hey, look out.
- Excuse me.
Whoa. Sorry.
So I went in, and I got on
the third line of dialogue,
and all of a sudden, I blanked.
I had no clue as to
what the next line was.
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop.
- Ignores me.
- So he said to me, "Last chance."
- Last chance.
- Oh, God.
So I came back in.
Here she comes to ignore me again.
I messed up in the
exact same line.
I know, but guess what?
- What?
- He cast me.
Just what the world
needs. Another actress.
Okay, okay, okay.
Can't live without me, huh?
I'm finally gonna ask. All right,
what's with the
plastic picnic ware?
Why don't you try ours? Are
you afraid it isn't clean?
You okay? Yep.
Well, I see the help.
It's a judgement call.
So give yourself a
little pep talk:
"Must try other people's
clean silverware...
as part of the fun of dining out."
What's wrong with your son?
What do you care?
He's got to fight to breathe. His
asthma can just sh**t
off the charts.
He's allergic to dust,
and this is New York,
so his immune system
bails on him whenever
there's trouble, so
an ear infection.
Is this bothering you?
No.
An ear infection,
whatever, sends us to the
emergency room five,
six times a month,
where I get whatever nine-year-old
they just made a doctor.
Nice chatting with you.
Wh... His name?
- Spencer.
- Okay.
Spence.
Puppy. It's okay. Go on. Go on.
♪ Hand on my heart ♪
You can put on anything you want
now. I might be sort of done here.
I been coming here
for two weeks, and
all we've done is
work. Let's play.
Vincent.
♪ It's very far away ♪
♪ It takes about a half
a day to get there ♪
So, you're practically
finished, huh?
Yeah. There is one more stage.
Oh.
Where ya going?
No place. I was just
gonna sneak a peek.
Verdell.
Verdell, you want some chocolate?
No. He's not allowed.
Wait, I gotta take off. Do you
wanna say goodbye or anything?
Yeah. He's just gotta
go. One second.
No, wait.
I'm gonna look at the
painting, all right?
Where you going,
sweetheart? Verdell?
Want some water? What
is the matter with you?
Come on. You want some water?
Simon, wait.
Yo.
Why are you doing this?
No, no, no. No, no,
no. Wait, wait, wait.
See, man, that
painting in there...
What are you doing, cruising him?
Excuse me.
- Help me.
- No, we gotta go.
- Let's go.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Okay, so you call 911 and
don't leave your name?
That's right. Yes.
Even a dumb geezer
should know that
- emergency... Just move on.
- No one got k*lled.
- Oh, is he dead?
- Ask him.
What's wrong with you?
Don't bark at me.
I didn't name ya.
We will. And if we can't,
we'll come back and ask
you again and again.
Hey. What, are you trying to
intimidate me with that attitude?
I come from hell. My grandmother's
got more attitude than you.
Go shake down a 7-Eleven
for a day-old Wiener.
They want you inside, sir.
Just a matter of
time, sir. There's a
painting of one of
the guys in here.
Get some tape on it.
Oh, I've been praying
for him since I heard.
So, anyway, I'm on my
way to the hospital.
If you could just watch the
dog. Just for tonight.
Oh, no, no, no. No?
- No, no, no. I'm sorry.
- Okay. Thanks.
Old bitch. Damn dog.
You're taking him.
Yes. Yes, you are.
Get the hell out of the
way. You're taking him.
This will even the
books. One night.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You want to say "no" to me?
You want to say "no" to me? Huh?
You want to say "no" to me?
I don't wanna say nothing to you.
Because I've never felt this
crazy as I do right now.
I almost... I almost
want you to say "no."
- Thanks for looking after him.
- Hey. Where ya going?
You can't do this.
You don't want to
mess with me today.
I can't take a dog. Nobody's
ever been in here before.
Hey, Frank.
Frank?
Hey, Frank. Frank.
Three, four, five.
You're dead.
Well, we don't have
no dog food here;
we don't want no dog food here.
You'll eat what we
got. What we eat.
All right.
Don't you do anything.
Where's the trust?
Never a break. Never.
Dogs.
♪ Always look at the
bright side of your life ♪
♪ Always look at the lighter
side of your life ♪
God.
Well, we're not going
to sell anything if
they find out we're
halfway through a show...
and we haven't sold
a single painting.
No, we can't reduce the
price at this stage.
Sir, please.
I'm in a free fall here.
Yes? We can see him.
Okay. I'll meet you in there.
I will meet... you in there, okay?
One minute.
Thank you. No, I'm here.
How ya doing, great one?
I haven't looked at myself yet.
I figured I could tell
from your reaction.
Oh, God.
That bad, huh?
Okay. I talked to
the doctor, and...
Oh...
Okay, it's, it's not that bad.
I talked to the doctors,
and they say you're
gonna be your old self
in a couple weeks.
I mean, the scars here might
take a little... Oh, sh*t.
Aw...
- Oh, Simon.
- Jackie?
Yes?
Can you hand me a mirror, please?
No.
Wait. I have a smaller one.
Okay.
So, how are things, anyway?
- How is Verdell?
- Your neighbour, Mr. Udall,
taking care of him.
How c... How could you do that?
- He'll hurt him.
- No, Simon. I promise.
Not a chance.
I own this guy. Besides,
there was nobody else.
You know, I'm always
on the move, and...
Trust me.
You are very certain my dog is
okay, because you have no idea...
Yes, your dog is fine, Simon.
Okay.
Waiting gives the devil time.
Oh, my.
Where did I go?
- Look how friendly he is.
- That's your dog?
He's so calm. What are
you doing with a dog?
Suckered in, set
up, pushed around.
You're not worried
someone might take it?
No, not until now,
for Christ sake.
- Sorry.
- I'm gonna sit here.
- Hey, puppy.
- He's cute.
I love his little
face. It's so cute.
I wonder what breed he is?
You know, he's a little dog.
Next time, if Bryan's not
here, you can bring him in.
How old are you?
If I was gonna guess by your eyes,
I'd say you were 50.
If I went by your eyes,
I'd say you were kind.
So, so much for eyes,
but as long as
you bring up age, how old are you?
Oh, no, no. I mean,
not... in other
- words...
- Well, you brought it up.
Not that you're ugly;
that's not what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Easy, easy, pal. I can
take the compliment.
But my knees start knocking when
you turn on the charm full blast.
No, but I mean, what's...
what's with the dark?
- Dawn patrol.
- Huh.
Major dawn patrol. My son
had a full-blown att*ck.
And this time, for extra fun, they
gave us the wrong antibiotics.
- So I get him home...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
The dog. It's bacon for
the... Bacon's for the...
for the dog.
Last week, I was playing the
piano for him, and he likes it.
So I decide I'm gonna...
- make a little joke.
- So, you're all set here?
Yeah.
I think it's a beautiful
day for our walk today.
Very nice.
Wh... Huh?
Hey. Hey.
Look at that. Look at him.
I gotta give you something.
I gotta give you
something real good too.
I'm gonna show it to
ya. Come on, buddy.
Don't be like me.
Don't you be like me.
You stay just the way you are,
because you are a perfect man,
and I'm gonna take you home
and get you something to eat.
What you love, you hear me?
I'd like to be treated
like that. I'm
gonna take you home right now...
and get you some... Yes.
Let's go home and do some writing.
"He had made the girl happy."
"And what a girl."
"'You saved my life', she said."
'You'd better make it up to me."'
Done.
Done. Yes, I hate the doggie.
Yes, I hate the doggie.
Whoa, 62 books.
Done.
We have to cut back expenses
every place we can.
He has no medical insurance?
No. Let me see. These
are the food receipts.
Yeah. Here are the
household expenses.
Here's one for the dog again.
I can read it. I got
it. I can't see it.
And all the laundry
and the cleaners.
Okay, good.
Boy, look at that, huh?
He likes it.
Oh, he likes it at Chez Melvin.
What are you coming over here
for? I told you to sit here.
I can't cook with a dog near me.
Okay, just sit. Good. We
don't want any company.
I'll read you a little Ralph Waldo
Emerson. Okay. Have it your way.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Verdell doing?
Ah, you know, he's
a pain in the ass.
Well... Simon's home.
I was sort of hoping you
can keep the dog...
until he's had a chance
to think and adjust.
Oh, well, it's been weeks and
weeks. A few more won't matter.
No, no. He definitely wants
him back right away.
He'll be by tomorrow.
Okay.
Okay by me.
Hungry, huh? Be right
with you, pooch.
One, two, three...
four, five.
One, two, three, four.
I'm okay.
Okay.
Three.
Mr. Udall?
Some face they left hanging
on ya. You look like...
Would you take it...
just...
a little easy, Mr. Udall?
Thank you.
Verdell?
Come here, my beautiful boy.
Come here. Come here, boy.
Let's go home and get well.
Ah, you can't blame
him for being weird.
Have a look at yourself
in the mirror.
Thank you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Verdell? Come here.
Come here, boy.
I know what you want.
Come on.
Where's my boy?
No. Don't force him.
Over a dog.
Over an ugly dog.
Worst sidewalk in New York.
Look where they put it.
Hi. Help.
If you want to see
me, you will not do
this. You will make
an appointment.
Dr. Green, how can
you diagnose someone
as an obsessive-compulsive
disorder...
and then act as though I had
some choice about barging in.
There's not going to be a
debate. You must leave.
You said you could help me.
What was that? A tease?
I can help you if you
take responsibility
to keep regular appoint...
You changed the room
around. Two years ago.
I also regrew my beard, but you're
not interested in changes in me.
So it's like I
always... I don't have
this mountain of available time.
I have to get to my
restaurant on time.
Now, do you know how hard
it was for me to come here?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
No, we're not doing this now.
I changed just one pattern,
as you always said I should.
No. Nope.
What if this is as
good as it gets?
Oh.
What the heck are those for?
No, no, no. Get Carol.
Oh, I'm filling in. We don't
know if she's coming back.
You know, I think she might be
getting a job closer to home.
Why plastic?
What are you trying to do to me?
What the heck do you mean?
Look, elephant girl, just...
just go get Carol or something.
Just have her do my
one meal here. I...
You know, I'll pay whatever
you want. I'll wait.
Do it.
- Bryan. Bryan. Code blue. Bryan.
- Oh, no.
Out. Just shut up and get out.
Do it.
I'll be quiet.
Just let me stay here. I'll...
No problem. Go get Carol.
Get her here.
I'm not a... prick. You
are. I'm not judging.
I'm a great customer.
This day...
has been a disaster.
I'm not sure if I
can... handle this too.
Get out.
Get out immediately, or
there's gonna be trouble.
Man, I mean it.
Okay.
See ya. Bye.
It's about time.
- Carol's last name?
- Connelly.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad. Dad. I'm over here.
- Does he visit often?
- No, not really. Not anymore.
What can you do?
Can I get some ice cream, Grandpa?
Why not? You're a good girl.
Hello.
Aye-yi-yi.
Oh. Christ.
I'm hungry.
You've ruined my whole
day. I haven't eaten.
- What are you doing here?
- This is not a sexist thing.
- If you were a waiter, I'd...
- Are you totally gone?
This is my private home.
I'm trying to keep
emotion out of this,
even though it's an
important issue to me.
And I have very strong
feelings on the subject.
What subject? That
I wasn't there to
take crap from you
and bring you eggs?
Do you have any control over how
creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
And to prove it, I have not
gotten personal, and you have.
Why aren't you at work?
You sick?
You don't look sick.
Just tired and bitter.
My son is sick, okay?
What about your mother?
How do you know about my mother?
I hear you talking while I wait.
- Mum, I finished my juice.
- I'm sorry, honey. One sec.
Mum?
How ya doing?
You should answer someone
when they speak to you.
I'm sorry, Melvin.
That's it. I cannot
handle you teaching
my son manners.
Ow.
Back to life.
Oh. What's wrong?
Five one-thousand,
four one-thousand,
three one-thousand, two
one-thousand, bingo.
104.9. We're gonna treat
ourselves to a cab ride.
Look out, you guys.
Coming through.
Look out.
- Look out, you guys.
- What's wrong?
We're okay. We're okay.
Melvin.
Wait.
Melvin, wait. Melvin, wait.
Melvin, wait. Melvin, wait.
Melvin, wait. Melvin, wait.
Shut up, kids.
Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
A lift. Okay.
Cover your mouth
when you cough, kid.
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital,
please. And quickly, please.
- Hospital?
- Yes.
Any chance you'll be
back at work today?
No.
Stay away from me. God.
Simon, we can't put
this off any longer.
I feel terrible that I have to...
- Simon.
- Huh?
Simon, could you just leave
the dog for a second?
Sorry.
What are those cards?
Oh, Frank's idea.
He thought I should
have notes so I did this right.
Maintained focus,
didn't get emotional
and tried not to terrify you.
See, he's right. I need the cards.
"Simon, you're broke."
"The medical bills are 61,000 now,
and the show didn't go well."
I've spoken to your parents.
They didn't hang up or anything.
But... they said they would
feel strange about calling you.
Oh. Well, I can't call them.
Come here, baby.
Come here, baby.
Verdell. What's wrong?
You miss the tough guy?
Well, here I am, sweetheart.
Happy to see me, you
little pissant mop?
How about another
ride down the chute?
Oh, God. I'm sorry. I did not
mean that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Simon?
- I didn't mean that, sweetheart.
- Simon. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
I'll be able to keep my apartment
and the studio, won't I?
Wow. Oh, my God. Wow.
Yes, you write more
than everybody else.
Yes, you make us a lot of money.
But I think it's more
appropriate for you...
Look. Look.
I need this. Just say,
"Melvin, I'll try."
Okay?
Melvin, I'll try.
Thank you. That's good.
Now, on a pleasanter note, my son,
he just got accepted to Brown.
My husband was dying.
Yeah. Good. Nice.
Thrilled. Exciting...
You don't have to wait with me.
I can't resist. You usually
move through here so quickly,
and I just have so many
questions I wanna ask you.
You have no idea what
your work means to me.
What does it mean to you?
That somebody out there
knows what it's like...
to be in here.
Oh, God. This is like a nightmare.
Oh, come on. Just a couple of
questions. How hard is that?
How do you write women so well?
I think of a man, and I take
away reason and accountability.
- Where's my newspaper?
- It's right here, Mrs. Garrett.
M.D.
- What is it?
- What's wrong?
- Mum.
- In here, Mrs. Connelly.
- What? What?
- Hi.
- Please, what? Just tell me.
- I'm Martin...
- What? Please, just tell me.
- I'm Martin Bettes. Dr. Bettes.
Not your name. What
are you telling
me your name for? Where is he?
- He's in the bathroom.
- Hey.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
Do you know there are
doctors come to your house?
No, I didn't.
- So, what are you doing here?
- Well...
I didn't know that you
had a secret admirer.
- What?
- Oh, you met the gift.
- He's good.
- I'm an expert on doctors.
Okay, Doctor.
My wife is Melvin
Udall's publisher.
She said I was to take
excellent care...
of this little guy because you are
urgently needed back at work.
That's what she told me.
What kind of work do you do?
- I'm a waitress.
- In Manhattan.
Dr. Bettes?
Yeah, Terry... Excuse me.
Hi, I'm sorry it took so
long. I don't know Brooklyn.
I couldn't find it either.
Could you get this to the lab?
Tell 'em I need
C.B.C., differential,
- platelets, the whole thing.
- Okay.
- And I want it back today.
- Ha. I'm sorry.
Did you say you're gonna get
the results back today?
Sure. Let's sit down.
These are the receipts,
from all the prescriptions from
the beginning of the year.
Don't forget the calendar.
Yeah, yeah. And this
is a calendar...
of days and how he felt and
what he's been eating.
That's very good. How long
has he had the problem?
- Since forever. Six months old.
- Okay.
And have they done
blood tests on him?
Yeah.
Only in the emergency
room, or when
- he was well?
- Emergency room only.
Okay, and how about skin
testing for allergies?
No. No standard scratch test?
They poke 'em with a needle.
No, I asked. They said
my plan didn't cover
it and that it wasn't
necessary anyway.
- Why, should they have?
- Well...
f*cking H.M.O. bastard
pieces of sh*t.
Carol.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Actually, I think
that's their technical name.
So, once the tests come
back, is there someone...
in your office we should talk
to to get the results, or...
Me. My home number's on the card.
That's his home number.
Ok, ok, ok.
Ok.
- What?
- It's your home...
Ha.
Can we get you anything else?
Do you want some water
or some coffee?
No, thank you.
A couple of female slaves?
Mrs. Connelly, there's still
a lot of tests I need to do,
a lot of things I have
to find out here.
But look, whatever I find out,
I promise you at the very
least from now on...
your son is gonna feel a
great deal better, okay?
Doc.
No... Fine. Okay.
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
So, listen, you gotta let me
know about the additional costs.
One way or another we'll...
Well, the costs are gonna be
considerable, I'm afraid.
But don't worry. Mr. Udall
wants to be billed.
That's wonderful.
Anyway, dear, thank you
for everything, Nora.
Forgive my recent
crankiness. I'll call
when things get back
on track, okay?
Ah.
Hijole. Huh? What's wrong?
Who's gonna walk Verdell?
Oh, no.
No.
- Is he dead yet?
- No.
Would there be any way...
that you would be willing
to walk his dog for him?
Absolutely.
You're a wonderful man.
2:00 would be a good time,
and here is the key...
in case he is asleep.
Open his curtains for him...
so he can see God's
beautiful work.
And he'll know that...
even things like this
happen for the best.
Where did they teach
you to talk like this?
In some Panama City sailor
"wanna hump-hump" bar?
Or is this getaway day and
your last sh*t at his whiskey?
Sell crazy some place else.
We're all stocked up here.
No, no. There is a seriously
goofy man behind this.
You're not allowed to
block out that fact.
Do you really want...
to go back to emergency
where those runt
doctors keep telling us
that they can't help?
This lets a crazy man into
our lives. Let's not fight.
You know how this will
turn out. Come on.
You know how this will turn out.
This is not like stockings. It's
not like a string of pearls.
You don't send this one back.
Right?
I know.
No, I do. I understand.
All right, listen.
I gotta go, okay?
No, okay.
Bye-bye.
What a day. Come here, come here.
Hey, maybe I'll bring
him some food by.
Thank you for walking him.
If you'll excuse me, I'm
not feeling so well.
Yeah, this place smells like sh*t.
Go away.
What, this... this
cleaning lady doesn't...
Please, just leave.
What happened to your
q*eer party friends?
Get outta here.
Nothing worse than having to
feel this way in front of you.
Nellie, you're a
disgrace to depression.
Rot in hell, Melvin.
No need to stop being a
lady. Quit worrying.
You'll be back on your
knees in no time.
Whee-Whee-Whee.
Is this fun for you?
Well, you lucky
devil, it just keeps
getting better and
better, doesn't it?
I'm losing my apartment, Melvin,
and Frank, he wants me...
to beg my parents... who haven't
called me... for
help, and I won't.
And I don't want to paint anymore.
So, the life that I was
trying for is over.
The life that I had is gone, and
I'm feeling so damn sorry...
for myself that it's
difficult to breathe.
It's high times for
you, isn't it, Melvin?
The gay neighbour is
terrified. Terrified.
I was just trying to
give you a boost.
Lucky you, you're
here for rock bottom.
You absolute horror
of a human being.
The one thing I'll do for
you. I, might cheer you up.
Get out.
You wanna know why
that dog prefers me?
It's not affection. It's a trick.
I keep bacon in my pocket.
See?
Oh, my gosh. Huh?
We'll both call him. You'll
see. It's a... trick.
Okay?
Come here, Verdell.
Come here. Oop. Oop.
- Yo, yo.
- Come on.
Come here.
Come here, baby. No.
It's okay. Come here.
Just a stupid, stupid dog.
Could you leave now?
Please.
I don't get it. I don't get it.
Taxi.
Oh, sorry.
Again with Nick at Nite's
Classic TV Rewind.
On repeat viewing,
one begins to suspect
that might not really
be Major Healey in the
phone booth after all.
Mr. Udall?
A second look at shows that are
always worth a second look.
- Carol, the waitress?
- Yes.
Hi.
The doctors gave me your billing
address. I'm sorry about the hour.
If you're...
If you're, worried
about thanking me...
That's not why I'm here.
Though you have no idea what it's
like to have a real
conversation...
with a doctor about Spencer.
Note... Put it in a note.
Oh. So, I have...
I have a hair dryer...
Why did you do this for me?
So you'd come back to
work and wait on me.
Do have some idea how
strange that sounds?
Well, I mean... I'm worried
you did this be...
Are you waiting for
me to say something?
Look,
I'll be at the
restaurant tomorrow.
I don't think this can wait until
tomorrow. I need to
clear this up now.
Clear what up?
I'm not going to sleep with you.
I will never sleep
with you. Never, ever.
Not ever.
Well.
I'm sorry, but...
we don't open for the no-sex
oaths until 9:00 a.m.
I'm not kidding.
Anything else?
Just...
thank you.
So, you'll be at work tomorrow?
Yes.
"Never," she said.
"Never," she says.
I took a chan... took
a chance you were up.
I brought you some Chinese soup.
Thanks.
Boy.
I've never been this
tired in my life.
I haven't been sleeping.
I haven't been clear in my head...
or felt like myself.
I'm in trouble.
It's not just the tiredness.
- Boy.
- It's sick. Nauseous.
Sleepy.
Where everything looks distorted,
and everything inside
just kind of aches...
and you can barely find
the will to complain.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
I'm glad we did this.
Good talking to you.
You are not still writing
that thank... you note?
I'm on the last page. How
do you spell "conscience?"
C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
Look, I got Sean from the bakery
to baby-sit so we could go out.
I still don't feel safe
leaving Spencer with someone.
Could you spell it again, please?
Spencer's okay.
You better start finding something
else to do with your free time.
- Sean, are you hungry?
- Yeah.
All right. We got pizza.
Carol and I are going out.
Sausage, pepperoni. You wanna make
this later for you and Spencer?
Great. We are going
out like people do.
If you can't feel good
about this break...
and step out a little, then I...
I think you ought
to have Mr. Udall
send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't need one, because I know
what's really going on here.
I gotta finish this
letter, or I'll go nuts.
Carol...
This can't be right.
"Con-science?"
Carol?
What?
It's very weird now,
not feeling that...
stupid panic thing
inside me all the time.
Without that, I just start
thinking about myself, and...
what good does that
ever get anybody?
Today, on the bus, there
was this adorable couple,
and I felt myself...
giving 'em a dirty look.
I just had no idea
everything was...
Go ahead.
Moving in the wrong direction...
away from a time when I
remembered what it was like...
to have a man to anything.
Hold, f*cking...
- Sorry...
- No, it's okay.
Hands with, for Christ sake.
And...
I felt almost...
really bad that Dr.
Bettes is married.
Which is probably why I make poor
Spencer hug me more
than he wants to.
The poor kid doesn't
have enough problems.
He has to make up for his
mum not getting any.
Who needs these thoughts?
So, what are you saying?
That you're frustrated?
Leave me be.
Why are you doing this?
What is it you want?
I hope getting me thinking
about everything that's wrong,
when all I want to do is not
do that, has some purpose.
Really, Mum, what is it you want?
What?
I want us to go out.
Okay.
Like spiral curls and barrel
curls and everything like that.
- I gotta go, Jimbo. I'll see ya.
- Take care, babe.
- Because I love you.
- Oh.
You know, it's got those big
windows, and there's
lots of light.
Yeah, I don't know
where my wife is.
Thank you. Now, I gotta
send you a thank you note.
Oh, look, Evelyn's here,
and her giant Joey.
Beverly.
That's why you brought
me here. That's
really why you brought me here.
Well, you know,
it's not even mine.
And this guy Simon seems to
have enough on his mind.
But the dog did throw up twice
last night and his spark is off.
- Well, take him to the vet.
- I did.
They say his stomach's
out of whack and
they need him for
a couple of days.
Well, do it. What d...
- Sorry.
- Excuse me.
Okay. Now, this is for later.
- What's this?
- It's a note.
- A note?
- Yeah, it's a thank you note.
Thank you note? No, no, no.
- You can read it later.
- No. No, thank you.
No. No, thank you. No, no, no, no.
No.
Thank you. Thank you.
She's nice.
- Yeah.
- Real nice, huh?
Really nice.
Shouldn't that be a
good thing, telling
somebody, "No thanks required?"
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Sure looks like it went over too.
I mean... look at you.
You're sure making
the rounds. Simon
says you brought him
soup last night.
What?
- Look at you.
- You think I'm a mark.
You helped with the dog.
Now, there's other things.
Hey, I'm as concerned
about Simon as you are.
Concerned? It's not just
financial assistance.
He's gotta get to Baltimore to ask
his parents for money tomorrow.
Yeah, well, yeah.
I mean, if his parents are alive,
they have to help. It's the rules.
Good. That's great.
Let them help him.
Absolutely.
Only,
I got a high-maintenance selling
painter coming
through, so I'm out.
Can you drive him?
Think white and get serious.
Take my car, a convertible?
Do you drive?
Like the wind. But
I'm not doing it.
Getting loud, getting loud.
He wants me to take his car
and his client to Baltimore.
I want your life for one minute,
where my big problem is somebody
offers me a free convertible...
so I can get out of this city.
Go ahead, girl.
Okay, I'll do it. I'll take him.
Yeah, get him ready, packed.
Tomorrow morning, I'll take
him. Okay. I'll take him. Fine.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's not drag this out.
We don't enjoy one
another that much.
If there is some mental health
foundation that raises money...
for people like you, please
be sure to let me know.
Last-word freak.
- Bye-bye.
- Good luck, lady.
- Is he talking to me?
- So, anything else?
Yeah.
I'm gonna give my q*eer
neighbour a lift to Baltimore.
Okay.
Hey.
What I did for you...
It's working out?
What you did changed my life.
No...
No thank you note.
Well, part of what I said in
this entire history of my life,
which you won't read,
is that somehow...
you have done more
for my mother, my
son and me than anybody
else ever has.
I'm just gonna read
you this part of it.
"And that makes you the
most important, surprising,
"generous person I
ever met in my life,
"and that you're gonna
be in our prayers,
our daily prayers, forever."
Lovely.
I...
I also wrote one part...
I'm just gonna say...
I wrote, "I'm sorry." I w...
I was talking about I was sorry
when I got mad at you for...
when you came over, and you told
my son that he oughta answer back.
So, I wrote that I was sorry
about that and that I...
I wrote I was sorry for busting
you on that and I'm sorry...
for busting in on you that night
when I said I was never...
I was sorry. And I'm sorry for
every time your food was cold,
and that you had to wait two
seconds for a coffee filler.
And I'm sorry for
never spotting right
there at the table
in the restaurant,
the human being that had it in
him to do this thing for us.
I'll just... You
know what, I'm just
gonna start from the beginning.
- Gee...
- "I have not been able..."
"to express my
gratefulness to you."
Even as I look at the
word 'grateful' now,
"it doesn't begin to
tell you what I feel."
That's...
I see it. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, I want you to
do something for me.
I'm sorry, didn't I say, "What?"
I thought I said, "What?"
What?
I want you to go on this trip.
No, sir.
I can't do this without you.
I'm afraid he might pull
the stiff "one-eye" on me.
I need you to chaperone.
Separate everything but cars.
You said you liked convertibles.
Now, I'm on the hook.
- I'm sorry, "the stiff one-eye?"
- Two days.
- I can't. I work.
- You get off when you want to.
My son. Bettes said
he's doing fine.
- Melvin, I'd rather not.
- What has that got to do with it?
Funny, I thought it
was a strong point.
Write a note. Ain't she sweet.
I need a hand, and where'd she go?
Are you saying accepting
your help obligates me?
Is there any other way to see it?
No.
Here's a little suitcase...
shocked that it's being used.
There's no way to
pack for this trip.
Yeah.
Woo-woo.
Hello?
- You're still coming, aren't you?
- Yes.
Melvin, I would like to know
exactly where we are going.
Just south of Baltimore, Maryland,
and, I know what
you're gonna say next.
I mean, I think I know.
I'm not... I'm not
sure, but I think so.
There's no need for me to
bring anything dressy?
I mean, I didn't know if
we were gonna be eating...
in any restaurants
that have dress codes?
Well, I...
I mean, maybe...
I mean, yes. Yes, let's.
- Let's.
- Okay, got ya.
What did you think
I was gonna ask?
Whether crabs were
in season there now.
Oh, okay, then.
Good night.
Anything unusual
in the dog's diet?
No. Everybody gets their own cage?
Certainly.
Okay, put him in with
that one, not that one.
- Builds his confidence, huh?
- Okay.
Lip kiss.
Ah.
I love you. I'll miss you.
Hey. Real sensitive.
Bye.
Call me when you get settled.
Don't worry, Mum.
Have a good time.
- No, don't... don't run.
- Have fun. Don't worry.
Don't run. No, no. Have
fun, but don't run.
Grandma will take care of me. Bye.
Sorry I'm not taking
you myself, Simon.
So am I, Frank.
Give me a hug.
Everything's gonna
be okay, all right?
Yeah.
Soak it up. It's your last
chance for a hug for a few days.
Hello?
Hi.
Hi. Thank you for being on time.
Hi. Oh, oh...
Carol the waitress, Simon the f*g.
Hello. Holy God, who
did that to you?
I was... I was att*cked.
I walked in on some
men robbing me and...
I was hospitalised. I almost d*ed.
Let's do the small talk
in the car. Let's go.
Come on. How are you, sir? Oh,
I was gonna do that for you.
It's all right. Where
should we sit?
I, well, there's no place
cards or anything.
That's all right.
You need all the room you can
manage. So, I'll sit in the back.
Never a break. Never.
I'm sorry. Thank you for the
seat. That was very thoughtful.
Oh.
You look like you're
crowded in there.
Oh, it's all right.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I've got the whole
trip programmed.
♪ Y-M-C-A ♪
I'm just kidding.
I wanted to see what
you'd do. No, seriously.
We got good stuff here.
♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ When it's not always raining ♪
♪ They'll be days like this ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ When there's no
one complaining ♪
I like this music.
♪ They'll be days like this ♪
♪ Everything falls into place ♪
I like this music.
♪ Like the flick of a switch ♪
♪ Well, my mama told me ♪
♪ There'd be days like this ♪
♪ Well, I'm looking for my girl ♪
♪ I wonder where
where can she be ♪
Yes, I'm sure, Simon, they
did something really off...
for you to feel this
way, but when it
comes to your parents or your kid,
something will always be off for
you unless you set it straight.
And maybe this thing
happened to you
just to give you a
chance to do that.
Nonsense, and you wanna know why?
Anybody here who's
interested in what
Melvin has to say
raise their hand.
♪ We met a year ago in a
place called Baltimore ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ Where did my girl go ♪
Do you want to know what
happened with my parents?
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
Yes.
- When I was a kid...
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm gonna pull over, give
you my full attention.
Well, I always painted, and my
mother always encouraged it.
I mean, she was
really sort of... She
was sort of fabulous
about it actually.
And she used to...
You know, I was too young to think
there was anything wrong with it,
and she was... she
was very natural.
So she used to pose nude for me.
And I always thought...
or I guess I
assumed... that my
father knew about it.
- This stuff is pointless.
- Hey. Let him finish, please.
You like sad stories?
You wanna hear mine?
Stop.
Go ahead. Really, please
don't let him stop you.
One day he walked in. And
he found us, and he just...
He started screaming...
My father didn't
come out of his room for 11 years.
He used to hit me
on the hands with
a yardstick if I made a mistake...
playing the piano.
Huh?
Go ahead, Simon.
So, you said he came in your
room, and he was yelling?
- Huh.
- Please, come on.
- He was...
- Come on.
Yeah, I know... He was... I was...
I remember I was
defending my mother,
and I was trying to, you know,
make peace in the lamest way.
I said... I said, "She's
not naked. It's art."
And he started hitting me,
and he... b*at me unconscious.
And he talked to me less
and less after that.
I mean, he knew what
I was before I did.
And the morning that
I left for college,
he walked into my room.
And he held out his hand.
And it was filled with money.
A big... sweaty wad of money.
And he said, "I don't want
you to ever come back."
And I just grabbed
him, and I hugged him,
and he turned and walked out.
Hey, we all have these terrible
stories to get over, and you...
That's not true. Some of
us have great stories,
pretty stories, that take
place at lakes with boats...
and friends and noodle salad.
Just no one in this car. But a lot
of people... that's their story.
Good times. Noodle salad.
What makes it so hard
is not that you had
it bad, but that
you're that pissed...
that so many others had it good.
- No, I don't think so.
- Not it at all, really.
Not it at all, huh?
Okay.
Let's, go to the hotel, and,
tomorrow you'll see if
you can get another
big wad of sweaty money
out of his hand.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
You ever get an
erection over a woman?
Melvin...
I mean, wouldn't your life
be easier if you weren't...
You consider your life easy?
All right. I give you that one.
Nice packing.
Whoa.
Hi.
- Hey, Spence.
- Hey, Mum.
Wait till you hear.
Why are you out of breath?
Mum, I ran over a guy
and scored a goal.
You did?
Yep, he was big.
Charlie, you know.
- That's great.
- Yep, amazing.
- Oh, my God, right?
- Yeah.
Mum, we're playing
again. Gotta go.
No, no...
- Bye.
- Wait, wait. Just tell me...
He scored a goal. Mum,
I don't believe it.
- Oh, you would've d*ed.
- Yeah.
My son was outside playing soccer.
Come on. Take me out
for a good time.
- Take me out dancing.
- Dancing?
I can't. I'm exhausted.
- Oh, come on.
- No.
- Please, come on. Oh, come on.
- No. No.
All right. All right.
You're right. Yeah.
- Are you sad or something?
- No. No, no.
I'm nervous.
It would be very rough,
Carol, if you weren't along.
What a nice compliment.
I'm happy.
And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
- I'm gonna jump in the shower.
- Okay.
- I'll be right with you.
- Okay.
All set?
Yeah.
- Mr. And Mrs...
- Do you sell hard-shell crabs?
- Yes.
- Do they sell hard-shells?
- Yes.
- Do they?
- Do they sell hard-shells?
- Yes.
Excuse me. Thank you.
- Good evening.
- Hi. You have hard-shells, right?
- Stop asking everyone.
- Just him. That's all.
Okay, you can answer.
We worked it out.
- Yes, we do.
- Ah.
Oh, and, I can give
you a tie and jacket.
What?
Oh, they require a tie and jacket,
but we have some available.
Sir?
No, I'm not putting that on.
In case you were gonna
ask, I'm also not going
to let you inject me
with the plague, either.
It's such a nice place.
You probably have
these dry-cleaned all
the time, don't you?
Actually, I don't think so.
Well...
you just, wait here.
Excuse me. Thank you. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Good evening.
- I need a coat and tie.
- Well, come on in.
No.
No?
- That one.
- This one?
That one, yeah, and this tie.
Excuse me.
She's here.
- We saved a table for you.
- Oh, thanks.
Should I get her for you?
No, it's all right.
I'll, I'll just watch.
Hi.
Can I buy you a drink?
Oh, this is plenty. No, thank you.
♪ Only thought was
only in my dreams ♪
♪ Only ♪
♪ Only love ♪
♪ It's mine only ♪
♪ My only man ♪
♪ My only love ♪
♪ My only ♪
♪ Soon, every kiss
of yours will be ♪
♪ Mine, all mine ♪
♪ You for me ♪
Ma'am?
♪ Forever more ♪
Oh.
Oh, wait.
♪ My only man My only one ♪
♪ My only ♪
♪ My only man ♪
♪ My only love ♪
♪ My only ♪
♪ There was a time
that life was good ♪
♪ But only by myself but the
love I found with you ♪
♪ There was no one else ♪
You look so se...
You look, great.
You look great.
♪ Only love My only ♪
♪ My only man ♪
♪ My only love ♪
You wanna dance?
Well, I've been
thinking about that
since you brought it up before.
- And?
- No.
I don't get this place. They
make me buy a new outfit,
and they let you in
in a house dress.
I don't get it.
What? Wait, wait. No, wait. What?
Where you going? No,
why? I mean, I...
I didn't mean it that way. I
mean, you gotta sit down.
You can still give
me the dirty look,
just sit down and give it to me.
Pay me a compliment,
Melvin. I need one. Quick.
You have no idea how much what
you just said hurt my feelings.
The mono-minute someone
gets that they
need you, they
thr*aten to walk out.
A compliment is something
nice about somebody else.
- This is a request from June...
- Now or never.
Okay. Happy Anniversary.
I mean it.
Can we order first?
Okay...
Two hard-shell crab dinners.
Pitcher ice-cold beer.
- Baked or fries?
- Fries.
Fries.
Fries. One baked, one fried.
I'll tell your waiter.
My waiter. Okay, now.
I got a real great compliment
for you, and it's true.
I'm so afraid you're about
to say something awful.
Don't be pessimistic.
It's not your style.
Okay, here I go.
Clearly a mistake.
I've got this, what, ailment.
My doctor, a shrink that I
used to go to all the time,
he says that in 50 or 60
percent of the cases,
a pill really helps.
I hate pills.
Very dangerous thing, pills.
Hate. I'm using the word
"hate" here about pills. Hate.
My compliment is, that
night when you came
over and told me that
you would never...
All right.
Well, you were there. You...
You know what you said.
Well, my compliment to you is,
the next morning I started
taking the pills.
I don't quite get how
that's a compliment for me.
You make me want to
be a better man.
That's maybe the best
compliment of my life.
Well, maybe I overshot a little,
because I was aiming...
at just enough to keep
you from walking out.
How's it going with those pills?
Good, I hope, I hope, I hope.
Well, it's...
it's little by little.
It's exhausting talking like this.
Exhausting.
Do you ever let a
romantic moment make
you do something you
know is stupid?
Never.
Here's the trouble with never.
You don't owe me that.
That wasn't a payment.
When you first came
into breakfast,
when I first saw you, I
thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
So, now that your soft, little
underbelly's all exposed,
tell me, why did
you bring me here?
Why,
it's a...
a personal question.
- Tell me, even if you're scared.
- Scared?
Tell me why you wanted me here.
It's okay.
If you ask me, I'll say yes.
Well, I...
I know, I...
There's a lot of reasons.
I thought, maybe if you had sex
- with Simon, maybe it would...
- What?
Well, it's... just
one... It's one idea.
That's why you brought me?
Like I'm a... what,
and I owe you what?
I don't know why I
brought you. I...
It was just one thought that
I had. It came out first.
That was all there was to it.
I thought you kiss him... me...
when you two seemed to hit it off.
Wait, no. Wait, wait.
That's... I didn't mean...
- Forget what I said about Simon.
- I'll never forget you said it.
It's a mistake.
It was a mistake.
- Hello, this is Fred Bishop...
- And Betty.
Sorry to be unable
to take your call.
Please leave a message with
all pertinent information.
- Say "goodbye."
- Oh, goodbye.
And thank you.
It's Simon.
I'm in town.
Hello?
Folks, you haven't been out later
than 10:00 in your entire lives.
Please pick up the phone.
Really.
Okay, well, I'm gonna try you in
the morning. I need to, see you,
or at least get you
to answer the phone.
How are ya?
- Is this gonna be your room?
- Our room.
I don't wanna see
him, and he's not
gonna come knocking on your door.
What happened?
- Don't ask.
- Oh.
- Can you not be so violent?
- I don't think so.
- Do you need help...
- No.
I'm taking a big bath and
ordering a big meal. Huh.
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Don't ask. I'm tired
of my own complaints.
I gotta get some new thoughts.
Why? What are you thinking about?
How to die, mostly.
Can you believe in our little mix
you're the "good" room-mate?
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hold it.
- I have to draw you.
- Huh?
I have to draw you.
No, no, no. Absolutely not. I'm a
lot more shy than people think.
I give off the wrong impression...
I have to.
I haven't sketched
anything in weeks.
Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful, Carol.
Your skin, your long neck,
the back, the line of you...
You're why cavemen
chiselled on walls.
All right, cut me a break.
The next thing I
know, she's sitting
right there next to me, you know.
Well, it's not right to go
into details. I got nervous.
I... screwed up. I
said the wrong thing.
Where if I hadn't, I...
I could be in bed right now
with a woman who if...
you make her laugh you got a life.
Instead, I'm here with you.
No offence, but a moron
pushing the last legal drug.
Jameson, soda back.
I'm sorry. I don't
care how you put this.
We're being naughty here, pal.
No, no, this is... this is great.
This is so great.
I swear to God, my hand
won't even keep up.
- Hold it. Hold it.
- I'm just turning.
But then hold that. Hold
any of them. Okay, this?
It doesn't matter.
I can't get over
my hand's not even bothering me.
I can't... I just... I...
I can't get the angle
with this... this cast.
Oh. Oh, careful.
I'm coming in. It's late.
Did you have sex with her?
Okay, so are you sure you don't
want your shampoos or anything?
Sorry.
I didn't know she was still here.
- Did you have sex with her?
- To hell with sex.
It was better than sex.
We held each other.
What I need he gave me, great.
I'll get dressed in a hurry.
I just love her.
How you doing?
Hello?
- Mum?
- Hi. Hello, Simon.
You were right. We
were home last night.
Do you have to whisper?
I can barely hear you.
I'm not a screamer. Look...
No, no, no, no. It
was the luckiest
thing for all of us
you didn't answer.
Your father has not
been feeling well.
I can't hear you.
Hold on.
Hold for what? What
do you gotta do?
I get why you're angry
with me, but it's no...
- He's talking to his parents.
- Okay then you listen to me.
Truly, no grudges. Okay? Truly.
I mean, it was a little
odd that you didn't
come and see me when you
heard I was hurt...
We almost did.
I don't even wanna
talk about it. I...
The important thing
is that your son
- is happy.
- You do sound different.
- Yes, I'm working again...
- Good. About money...
- No, I don't need anything.
- Oh.
I'll drop you a line
from wherever I land,
and then it's up to you to make
the next move, and I hope you do.
Then he's gonna wanna
stay. And they'll wanna
take a ride to the
lake or whatever...
- Okay. Bye-bye.
- He's gonna feel stirred up.
- Bye, dear.
- Bye, Mum.
So, we'll probably have
a good five-hour drive.
It'll give us a chance to relax...
So?
- Be together alone...
- I'm coming with you.
What about your parents?
No, no, no. I'll
take care of myself.
What are you talking about?
You got real problems.
I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly, everything
seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
One night with me. You
think you're kidding.
Aw, geez. No choice.
I got a gift for you. Nothing like
no choice to make
you feel at home.
Let me see.
Gorgeous.
Do it then. And get
the dog picked up.
I can't believe you
let it stay there.
Goodbye. Your luck's running.
They sublet your place.
You're homeless.
Frank's got a line on another
place you can use for now.
- Another place where?
- Does it matter?
No.
It doesn't.
I'm fine. Like the hat?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
♪ I love you ♪
♪ For sentimental reasons ♪
I don't wanna hear
that music right now.
What do you mean? You
said you liked it.
I don't.
♪ I hope you do believe me ♪
This one has a meaning.
Well, it's your car,
but I don't wanna
hear it, if that means anything.
♪ I love you ♪
Yes, sir. All right.
Here's the... Here's the
keys to my apartment.
You... You go up
there and wait, and
I'm gonna take Carol home. Wait...
I'll take a bus.
No, no, I'll take ya.
Can you... Can you come here?
Look, I don't care what
you did for me. I...
What's wrong?
I don't think I wanna
know you anymore.
All you do is make me
feel bad about myself.
You have my number.
Let him take you home.
Don't want to.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
Don't say anything.
Yeah, look, I gotta
get a hold of Frank
and see where I'm hanging my hat.
Well, I think you're gonna
have to camp it here.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, look. Wa-hoo.
Look at you, sweetheart.
Look at you. Come here.
- Look at you, sweetheart.
- Look at Verdell.
You feel like your old self
again. I know the feeling.
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Sorry. You're just
fun to mess with.
Okay.
They rented your place furnished.
Jackie said she was gonna
bring your personal things.
They were gonna set
you up in here.
It's an extra room.
I never use it.
It's got good light. No
other choice really.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Well, this is, nice.
It's... Looks good. They...
They got your music,
paintings, paints.
I'd have to say they
did a good job.
It's...
You know, it's gonna be okay, huh?
- Cosy, huh?
- Yeah.
Thank you, Melvin.
You overwhelm me.
I love you.
I tell ya, buddy,
I'd be the luckiest guy alive
if that did it for me.
Well, let's...
Make yourself at home.
Anything else in the bag?
But I was playing soccer
while you were away.
I know.
I love my cookbook.
It's great. It's got all these
wonderful recipes in here.
It says something with a shark. I
never even fixed shark before.
Shark with a bite, would
you like that, Spencer?
No.
There's some cookies here
called "Wasps' Nests."
Where is my big, hairy
boy? Where is he?
Where is my beautiful
boy? Sweetheart?
Oh. You're in bed.
No. No.
Yeah, Melvin.
I just didn't think Verdell
should get too comfortable...
sleeping in here because
it's really not gonna...
Well, look.
The dog's already comfortable.
Is this okay?
Huh?
Hello?
- Hi, it's me.
- Hi.
Yes. He took me in.
Yes. It's Carol for you.
I basically fainted
when I walked in
- and Jackie had...
- Just take the dog.
- Take the dog.
- I gotta go.
- Just take the dog.
- Oh, come here.
That's right. Take him.
Come on. Move fast.
- Don't limp. Move fast. Come on.
- Good luck.
Hello?
- Yeah.
- How you doing?
- Not so hot.
- Why? What's wrong?
I don't know whether I'm being
sensible or hard on you.
- Maybe both.
- Maybe.
See? Right there I
don't know whether
you're being cute or crazy now.
Cute.
You don't have to answer
everything I say.
Just listen to me,
okay? Listen to me.
It's really something that
you're looking after Simon.
And what I said on the street,
that was a bad thing to say.
It made me sick to my stomach.
It was a bad thing to say.
And I'd be lying if I didn't
say I... enjoy your company.
But the truth is you do
bother me enormously.
And I know that...
think that it's...
I think that it's better
for me to not have
contact with you because
you're not ready.
And you're a pretty
old guy to not be
ready, and I'm too
old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary
kindnesses that did take place.
So, anyway, thanks for the trip.
Good night. Good night.
Okay if I say something now?
Go ahead.
I should've danced with you.
Good night.
Are you gonna talk to me or not?
I'm coming.
What'd she say?
That I'm a great
guy, extraordinary,
and she doesn't want
contact with me.
I'm dying here.
Because... you love her.
No.
And you people are supposed
to be sensitive and sharp?
Then you tell me why. You're
the one who's "dying here."
I don't know. Let me sleep on it.
Oh, come on.
- I'll figure it out.
- Oh, please.
It's...
I'm stuck. I can't get
back to my own life.
She's evicted me from my life.
Did you really like it that much?
Well, it's better
than this. Look, you.
I'm very intelligent.
If you're gonna give me hope, you
gotta do better than you're doing.
If you can't be at least mildly
interesting, then
shut the hell up.
I mean, I'm drowning here, and
you're describing the water.
Well, picking on me won't help.
Well, if that's true,
I'm really in trouble.
But... Melvin, do, do you
know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
I would take your seat any day.
So, so, do something about it.
Go over there, now,
tonight. Don't sleep on it.
I mean, it's not always good
to let things calm down.
You can do this, Melvin.
You can do this.
You can. Pull the stops. Tell her
how you feel. You can do this.
Hey, I'm charged here.
Yes, you are.
She might k*ll me
if I go over there.
Well, then get in your jammies
and I'll read you a story.
I really think you
have a chance here.
The best thing you
have going for you is
your willingness to
humiliate yourself.
So, go over there. Do this.
Catch her off guard.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Thanks a lot.
- Okay.
Here I go.
What's wrong?
- I forgot to lock the door.
- Huh.
What do you want, Melvin?
I'm sorry I woke you.
Some other time...
I wasn't asleep.
What a break.
Is it a secret what
you're doing here?
I had to see you.
Because?
It relaxes me.
I'd feel better sitting outside
your apartment on the kerb...
than any other place I
can think of or imagine.
No, no, wait. That's...
That's overstating.
I'd rather be sitting
inside on the steps,
because I don't wanna get
my feet in the gutter.
- What would that serve?
- Stop it.
Why can't I just have a
normal boyfriend? Why?
Just a regular boyfriend
who doesn't go nuts on me?
Everybody wants that,
dear. It doesn't exist.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Boyfriend.
Come on in, and try not to
ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live
without the wisecracks.
Maybe we could.
It feels a little confined
in here. Let's take a walk.
See, it's 4:00 in the morning. A
walk sounds a little screwy to me,
if you don't mind.
Well, if you need an excuse,
there's a bakery on the corner.
We got a good sh*t it'll be open
soon. That way we're not screwy.
Just... two people
that like warm rolls.
Okay.
What are you doing?
I still want you to hear
part of that car song.
You don't have to.
♪ And darling I'm never lonely ♪
♪ Whenever you're in sight ♪
Thank you.
You know, I was hop...
I'm sorry. Whatever this
is is not gonna work.
- I'm feeling...
- What?
I've been feel...
- I'm feeling better, Carol.
- Melvin.
Even though it may
seem that way now,
you don't know me all that well.
I'm not the answer for you.
Hey, I've got a great
compliment for you.
You... You know what. I...
Ju-Ju-Ju-Ju-Ju... Just
let me... let me talk.
Just...
I might be the only person
on the face of the Earth...
that knows you're the
greatest woman on Earth.
I might be the only one...
Who appreciates how
amazing you are
in every single thing that you do.
And how you are with
Spencer, Spence.
And in every single
thought that you have...
and how you say what
you mean and how
you almost always
mean something...
that's all about being
straight and good.
And I think most people
miss that about you.
And I watch them,
wondering how they
can watch you bring their food...
and clear their tables
and never get that
they just met the
greatest woman alive.
And the fact that I get it...
makes me feel good...
about me.
Is that something that's bad for
you to be around... for you?
No.
I'm gonna grab you.
I didn't mean for that to be a
question. I'm gonna grab you.
I know I can do better than that.
Oh, Mel...
- Better.
- Definitely better.
See?
Oh. What's this?
Warm rolls.
- Scusate my.
- Excuse us.
♪ Always look on the
bright side of life ♪
♪ Always look on the
bright side of life ♪
♪ Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad ♪
♪ Other things just make
you swear and curse ♪
♪ When you're chewing
on life's gristle ♪
♪ Don't grumble give a whistle ♪
♪ This'll help things
turn out for the best ♪
♪ Always look on the
bright side of life ♪
♪ Always look on the
right side of life ♪
♪ If life seems jolly rotten ♪
♪ There's something
you've forgotten ♪
♪ And that's to laugh and
smile and dance and sing ♪
♪ When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps ♪
♪ Just purse your lips and whistle
That's the thing ♪
♪ So always look on the
bright side of life ♪
♪ Always look on the
bright side of life ♪
♪ Life's a counterfeit
when you look at it ♪
♪ Life's a laugh and death's
the joke it's true ♪
♪ You see, it's all a show
Keep them laughing as you go ♪
♪ Just remember the
last laugh is on you ♪
♪ Always look on the
bright side of life ♪
♪ Always look on the
right side of life ♪
♪ Always look on the
bright side of life ♪
♪ Always look on the
right side of life ♪
♪ I think of you every morning ♪
♪ Dream of you every night ♪
♪ Darling, I'm never lonely ♪
♪ Whenever you are in sight ♪
As Good as It Gets (1997)
Moderator: Maskath3