Cheaper by the Dozen (2022)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Honey, honey ♪

♪ I can see the stars
all the way from here ♪

♪ can't you see the glow
on the windowpane? ♪

♪ I can feel the sun
whenever you're near ♪

♪ every time you touch me
I just melt away ♪

♪ nothing's perfect, but it's worth it ♪

♪ after fighting through my tears ♪

♪ and finally you put me first ♪

♪ baby, it's you ♪

♪ you're the one I love ♪

♪ you're the one I need ♪

♪ you're the only one I see ♪

♪ come on, baby, it's you ♪

♪ you're the one that gives your all ♪

♪ you're the one I can always call ♪

♪ when I need to make everything stop ♪

♪ finally, you put my love on top ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ baby, you put my love on top
top, top, top, top ♪

♪ you put my love on top ♪

♪ ooh, come on baby ♪

♪ you put my love on top
top, top, top, top ♪

♪ my love on top ♪

- ♪ my love on top ♪
- ♪ baby, it's you ♪

♪ you're the one I love ♪

♪ you're the one I need ♪

♪ you're the only thing I see ♪

♪ come on, baby, it's you ♪

♪ you're the one that gives your all ♪

♪ you're the one that always calls ♪

♪ when I need you, baby
everything stops ♪

♪ finally, you put my love on top ♪

Welcome to our family.
We're the bakers.

We're a big family full of big dreamers.

I'm Zoey, and this is Paul.

♪ Come on, baby, it's you ♪

Right now, our dream is getting everyone
out of the house on time.

We got this.

All right, I got the boys and the littles.

- Yeah, I'll get dej.
- Okay.

This is dj.

He dreams of being the world's greatest
lego designer and comic book artist.

It could happen.

Deej. Rise and shine.

Haresh!

Up and at 'em.
We got a restaurant to run. Let's go!

This is haresh. He dreams
of being a player. It's not happening.

Last I checked, players don't sleep
with their Teddy bears.

All right.

This is deja.

She dreams of being a starting point guard
for usc.

- Morning, dej.
- Morning, Paul.

She sh**t.

- She scores!
- Yes! Whoo!

- Pretty sure that's happening.
- The crowd goes wild!

Whoo!

- All right, rise and shine!
- And these are the littles.

- They dream of getting bigger.
- Morning, mommy!

We also have two fur babies.

Bark Obama and Joe bitin'.

There's no more hot water!

Wait. We have hot water?

This is Ella.

She dreams of being an influencer.

Wake up, Ella, or this picture
goes on your Instagram in three, two...

Dad, no!

This is Harley.

Touch me, lose a finger.

Good morning to you too, my sweet angel.

She dreams
about her punk band going viral.

Dryer's broke again.

How did you get down here so fast?

- Laundry chute.
- We have a laundry chute?

Yeah. Keep up, dad.

Dude, I got a new follower.

It's probably mom.

It is mom.

- Let's shake a leg, guys!
- Has anyone seen my converse?

That is not yours.

- And this is my ex-wife…
- Kate!

Morning!

What are you doin' here?

And more importantly,
why did we give you a key?

Is that any way to greet the pinch hitter
babysitter who's here to save the day?

And that's why we gave her a key.

Namaste.

She dreams
about expanding her yoga studio.

- Hey, mom.
- Hi, honey bunnies!

Morning, guys. Flying in.

- Bagel.
- You ready? Cutie.

- Bagel.
- Cutie.

- Bagel.
- Cutie.

- Bagel me.
- Bagel. Bagel.

- Morning.
- Bagel, bagel.

- Double cuties.
- Whoo!

- Chuckin' a Chuck.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, missy. No.
We are not feeding the chihuahua bagels.

His rules, not mine, baby.

There's the alarm.
Watch out, world. Here we come.

Let's roll. Let's go. Let's go.

Come on. Let's go!

Okay. Two moms, one dad,
and a ragtag group of nine kids.

I know what you're thinking,
and no, we're not a cult.

But we're definitely different.

- No man left behind!
- Woo-hoo!

- Um, what about us?
- Yeah!

I'm sorry, all twins left behind.

- What?
- Aw!

- Hey!
- When we go to work,

the littles stay home with Kate, because
there are limits to child labor laws.

Kate may not be
the most together babysitter,

but the kids love her.

And she's free.

You see, we run our own family restaurant,
baker's breakfast.

A mom and pop,

and daughter, and daughter,

and son, and son,

and daughter breakfast spot.

- Hey, Paul.
- Hey. That can go out.

- Ah, cool, thanks.
- Thank you.

Okay.
First, I should explain how we got here.

Kate and I met in college when we were
cast as Sandy and Danny in grease.

We stayed in character onstage and off,

falling in love
and having a surprise ending…

Whoa!

…which was getting pregnant with Ella.

Which is why I dropped outta college
and got a job in a crummy diner.

We were just getting by
when we got pregnant again…

- Maybe it's supposed to be the…
- …with Harley.

And then, when our best friends
were k*lled by a drunk driver,

we adopted our godson, haresh.

While there was nothing more exciting
than being parents,

Kate got a lot less excited
about being married to me.

We agreed to close that chapter
of our lives and start new ones.

I dreamed big and bought
that crummy diner, which is where I met…

Two short stacks
and a Denver omelet, please.

Oh, and I have breakfast coupons.

- Um, I'm so sorry, but it's 11:16…
- Wow.

…which means you're gonna have to order
off this glorious lunch menu.

Hi, mommy.

Well, kids, let's go.

This unkind gentleman is trying
to force us

to have hot soup and Shepherd's pie
for breakfast.

Why? Were we bad?

Sir, please tell my adorable children

why they can't have delicious eggs
and fluffy flapjacks.

- Whoa.
- This is incredible.

Oh, thank you so much.
It's an apple-bacon crepe.

And it's amazing.

- I mean, but this sauce is fantastic.
- Really?

It's like, um, hot, uh, sweet, savory,
depending on what I put it on.

That's exactly what I was going for.

It's amazing. I mean,
you're, like, the Willy wonka of sauces.

You know, minus the unpaid, exploited
oompa-loompa workforce, of course.

Clearly, you haven't looked in the kitchen
yet. This place runs on loompa.

By the way, I'm sorry about earlier.

I know what it's like when kids
get their hearts set on breakfast.

I got three of my own.
And breakfast is their favorite meal.

By the way, that whole "we stop serving
breakfast at 11:00" thing,

that has to stop.

I need to be able to eat
this breakfast with that sauce 24-7.

It's an interesting idea.
I'll run it by the owner.

- Yeah.
- Oh, wait! That's me. I love it.

So good.

You want some dessert, buddy?

A giant cupcake.

Giant cupcake it is. Be right back, mom.

He's nice.

Uh, he all right.

I was newly divorced too.

My ex, dom, and I met at usc.

Hello, hello.

We were the perfect couple.
He was a football star,

and I was a cheerleader and valedictorian.

- Who you talking to?
- We got married right out of school,

and deja and dj followed soon after.

"…roller coaster."

Our family grew
as fast as dom's football career.

At first, we did talk shows
and photoshoots together,

but then he was always gone doing
endorsements and business ventures.

And our ideas of partnership changed.

So we agreed to close that chapter
of our lives and start new ones.

I traded four-star restaurants
for 24-hour diners.

I dusted off my marketing degree,
and we became business partners.

Six months after that,
we turned our two families into one.

And we made all our dreams come true.

A big, beautiful family,

a booming business,

- and around-the-clock breakfast.
- Can I tickle you?

Even our wedding cake was made of waffles.

There you go.

We turned the diner into
an all-day breakfast spot.

We serve breakfast-breakfast…

Lunch-breakfast…

And dinner-breakfast.

My pregnancy was planned.

The outcome, however, was not.

Twins! Luna and Luca.

Our life got a little chaotic.

And just when things were settling down,

it happened again with Bronx and Bailey,

bringing our one big, happy family to 11.

And as hectic as our life can get,
it always somehow feels just right.

Babe, this is wrong.
We're not a month behind on rent, right?

- Right?
- What? Us behind? That's crazy.

Okay, babe, babe, babe.
You're anxiety-chopping again.

Sorry.

Were you intentionally hiding this
from me?

It's just a month, Zoey.
I promise you it's not that big a deal.

I love this place as much as you do,
but it is draining us.

We can't make any moves
because we pour everything back into it.

What about our dream
of buying a bigger house?

It's gonna happen, baby. I promise.

Even chef boyardee started out
as a fry cook.

I just need a little more time
to figure everything out.

Are you trying to tell me
chef boyardee is a real person?

Oh, yeah.

You don't know about the boyardee?
He was a legend.

He actually catered
woodrow Wilson's wedding in 1915.

He lived to 87.

He d*ed rich and happy in Ohio.

It is so weird that you know this.

Keep dreaming.

- Can I help you find something?
- Oh, hi. Yeah.

I'm looking for a sauce
that could be hot, sweet or savory

depending on what you eat it with.

Wow, that sounds amazing.

- Right?
- Uh, what's it called?

I'm not sure yet.

Okay. When you figure it out, let me know.

Here you go.

- Nice and cold…
- oh!

…so you don't have to get up
and go to the kitchen,

or the hallway…

…or really any other room for that matter.

You are so thoughtful. Thank you, baby.

You ever heard of tiktok? It's hilarious.

- Hi, Danny.
- Hi, Luna.

- Hey, Danny.
- Hi, Kate.

What are you guys playing?

Drag race.

Oh, fun! I love rupaul.

Who's betting?

- I've got money. I got Bailey.
- My money's on Bronx.

Let's get this going.

This babysitter's not
gonna be checked out forever.

Coast is clear! Go time.

Ready? Go!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Go! Go! Go!

Go, Bronx! Go, Bailey!

Go, Danny!

He's gaining on us!

Oh, no! Bottle!

Go! Go!

Whoa.

- Shortcut!
- No fair!

Whoa!

- Come on, Bailey!
- Go get 'em!

Whoa.

Uh-oh.

- What's wrong?
- Parents!

- Everybody out!
- I'll get the door.

- What is happening? Danny?
- Whoa.

- Go!
- Get lost!

Yeah.

Retreat.

- Hey! Hey!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Ooh!

- Ow!
- Ooh! That's gotta hurt.

I'm fine.

- Did you want some ice?
- Oh, no, no, no. We're okay.

Buddy, how many fingers am I holding up?

- Four.
- So he's back to normal.

Before you say anything,
it's not what it seems.

You weren't having a fast and furious
style race against Danny chen for money?

Whoa. I just realized
we're not smarter than you.

You guys are so irresponsible.

I've been in bed the whole time.

Honey, you still have your helmet on.

This is my sleeping helmet.

Okay. All right. You two, out of here.
What am I gonna do with you two?

Go to your room.

But don't you wanna do our tiktok dance
with us, daddy?

Yeah,
because we're so irresistibly adorable.

Don't try and charm me with our tiktok
dance. And you're not even doing it right.

You have to clap the back of the hands
and then throw.

You're an embarrassment to the family.
Go to your room.

We tried.

We always do.

So, uh, you think Bronx is okay?

Yeah. He hits his head on the hour.

Oh, good. Although,
I feel like this one is my fault.

- You think?
- Well, my new therapist says

I have issues with being a disciplinarian.

You have another new therapist?

But my new new therapist made me realize
I missed my old new therapist,

so it's out with the new, in with the old.

- That makes total sense.
- Yeah, I know, right?

Who's that?

Probably no one,
but if it's Danny chen's parents,

we don't know him, and he wasn't here.

- Dom, hey.
- Hey.

How are you? What are you doing in town?

You know, just got back.
Thought I'd come by and see the kids.

I hope that's not a problem.

- Well...
- No.

You're handsome and famous?
Come over anytime.

- Dad?
- Hey.

- Oh. Hey, dad.
- Hey, what's up, dj?

- Hey, man.
- Hey, look. These are for you.

Oh, well, thanks.

- Dom!
- Hey, little man, what's happening?

- Yeah, well...
- How you doing, man? Look at you.

- Looking just as stylish as ever.
- You too.

Thank you, man.

- So, who wants headphones?
- Me.

Beats headphones?

- Personalized beats headphones.
- Wow.

You wanna help pass them out for me?

- Yeah!
- Thanks, buddy.

Thanks, dad.

- You're welcome, baby.
- Wow.

Here, daddy. Dom got you a pair too.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

- What is this?
- Look what dom brought everybody.

- Ooh.
- They're personalized.

Whoa.

- Way to stunt. Thanks, d.
- It's very nice of you, dom. Thank you.

I'm guessing I didn't... I didn't get one?

- Kate.
- Okay. Cool. Yeah. Cool.

I'm gonna go check on Bronx.

So, what do you think?

I mean,
they're Michael Jordan tennies, and...

Yeah, I guess these'll be fun.

- Yeah, they're pretty dope, right?
- Yeah.

So dope. They're very dope.

They look so expensive.
They probably cost more than...

This house?

No, that's... that... ow!

I was... I was actually gonna say
five pairs of my sneakers,

but no, the home that I live in
is definitely funnier.

They're so big.

Look at these things, babe, huh?

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Yeah, well, actually, Paul, he's a 12 now.

I don't know if you knew or not,
but, you know, big feet run in our family.

And what are you?
About, what, I'd say a 10?

- Dad.
- I was born with tiny toes, dom.

It's not something I like to joke about,
but since you asked, 9 and 3/4.

Oh, Paul.

Baby, I love your little feet, and I love
that we can share the same shoes.

We don't share the same shoes.
I wore your uggs once.

Hey, Paul, you mind tossing me a beer?

I'm sorry. We don't have any beer.

I can clearly see that you guys have beer.

- It's on... it's on the door.
- You didn't. No.

- Paul, don't be like that.
- I'll tell you what I can get for you.

The one thing we have for you,

a tasty juice box.

Oh. Well, this is my favorite.
This is better.

And, uh…

Interesting place to keep your oranges.

Yeah, it's for convenience.
They're everywhere.

You want an orange, you reach down.

So, dom, great to see you.

What... what brings you to town?
Don't you have work?

Mmm. Mm-mmm.

No, I decided to retire.

I'm considering
a year-long deal with ESPN.

Yeah, which means
more money, less tackling.

So I'm just checking out places to buy.

- So you're moving back to la?
- Mm-hmm.

- That'll be great for the kids.
- La, la? Like, here la?

Like, where I live? With... with my family?

Yeah. To be with my family.

I thought we were all family.

- We are.
- We are.

But that means I can be around more,

be part of the day-to-day
and help out with these guys.

- Cool.
- No, no. I think we're good.

We don't need help. Do we, babe?
No. We're... no.

We... we're fine.
This place runs like a well-oiled machine.

Um, so he sneezed
and started bleeding again.

It tastes like metal.

- Okay, I'm coming.
- He's fine.

That one's not even yours, so don't worry.

Yay, dom's moving back. More dom.

- Paul.
- I know. It'll be great with the kids.

It's just... it's definitely gonna be weird
having him around.

Unlike the totally normal way
that Kate's around all the time?

Babe, last week I caught her
trying on my bathing suits. Ew.

- Well, at least she helps with the kids.
- And dom will too.

Now.

Come on, Zoey.
You know it's not the same thing.

Kate isn't richer
and, like, 10 feet taller than you.

Are you ever gonna stop being threatened
by all that stuff?

I am not threatened. I just... honestly?

I think it's sad that he feels the need to
make himself feel bigger by coming in here

and, like, showering us all
with these expensive headphones.

Like, "we get it. You're an
ex-football player with giant feet

and a Japanese toilet
that washes your butt."

Not sure how you know about that.

And for the record, I am very secure
in my size 9-and-1/2 converse.

Mmm. I love it when you talk
sensible sneaker to me.

Well, what happens when I say asics?

Rockports.

Skechers.

All right.
Now say new balance to me real slow.

New balance.

Oh, yes.

It's a little late, dej.

I know.
I know I'm supposed to be asleep,

but I heard there's gonna be a scout
from so at my game.

How b*mb would it be
if I went to my dad's Alma mater?

Would be bombish. b*mb...

b*mb-adjacent.
But you know what would be bombier?

If you went to my Alma mater.

Chino hills culinary arts?

Big chca. Number one in whisking.

Let me show you a little something, okay?

You're getting them in
but not as gloriously as I'd like you to.

All right, watch this. Ready?

Okay, so the goal
was to not get it in, right?

- Yeah, I had to warm up.
- Yep.

- Okay.
- I'm warm.

Nothing but rim.

Oh, let me show you a little something
magic used to do. Hook it up!

- Oh.
- Oh, you know what? It's late.

- Let's go in.
- Okay.

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I am feeling myself tonight ♪

Deja!

- Come on, deja!
- Let's go, dej!

- Double! Double!
- Whoo! Deja!

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I'm feeling myself tonight ♪

♪ I'm good, good, good, good ♪

That's my baby!

- You didn't tell me dom was coming.
- I didn't know.

Hey, son.

- Oh, hey, dad.
- Hey.

- Your dad is Dominic Clayton?
- Yeah.

How is it genetically possible
that Dominic Clayton is your pops?

I mean, no offense, dude.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Why would I be offended to you totally
offending me down to the genetic level?

Come on, dej! Come on, dej!

- Foul! Foul!
- That's okay.

That's not a foul!

- That's a foul, right?
- That is a foul.

Good one, ref!

- Come on. You've got this, baby.
- Come on, dej!

- Come on, baby. You got this.
- Come on, dej.

Boom!

- That's my daughter!
- Yes. That's also my daughter!

But biologically, she's mine!

Yeah, I claim her on my taxes, so…

- Okay. You're both being super ridiculous.
- Okay.

You know what?
Let's get a wave going. A wave for dej.

- Whoo!
- Yo!

Let's get that wave going, everybody.
Whoo!

- What are you doing?
- Someone's not doing the wave.

That's halftime, ladies and gentlemen.

♪ League of starz ♪

♪ trend on the b*at ♪

♪ hey, hey, ♪♪♪♪, try this ♪

- Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
- You know this one?

I'm not even telling my shoulders
to do this. It's just doing it.

- Whoo!
- Yeah. Feel it.

♪ We out here tryna function ♪

Look at this guy.

♪ We out here tryna function
man, we out here tryna function ♪

Okay.

♪ We out here tryna function
man, we out here tryna function ♪

♪ we out here tryna function
man, we out here tryna function ♪

♪ we out here tryna function
we out here tryna function ♪

Uh-oh. Looks like we've got a halftime
dance battle cracking off.

Wildcat, let's get this battle cracking.

I'll give you a high five, wildcat...

No, no, no, no.

- Go, daddy! Go!
- Oh, no!

Do we have a challenger?

Ladies and gentlemen, what a treat.

One of the challengers
is pro bowl superstar Dominic Clayton.

Mom, make them stop.

What am I gonna do?
I'm the idiot that married both of them.

Well, thank god for that.

♪ I stay laced and groomed
I spray myself with sucker repellent ♪

- Wait. Do you want me to really say that?
- Yes. Say it into the microphone.

♪ Sell the white house black paint ♪

And the other challenger is the,
uh, breakfast sauce king of echo park.

What's up, king?

♪ You ain't down, b-b-bye ♪♪♪♪ ♪

♪ I ain't got time for playing
I'm just saying ♪

And they're off.
Dominic dominating plainly immediately.

- Making a strong, bold statement.
- Let's go!

- Go, dom! Go, dom! Okay.
- Go, dom! Hey.

No, no. Not really.

- I can't dance like that. He's got moves.
- You can.

The sauce king does not know what to do.
I see it in his eyes.

And Dominic takes it.

Keeps going with the force
of a professional!

Making me feel things
I was not ready to feel.

Go, Paul!

- Our dance. Come on!
- Oh, yeah!

All right, the sauce king
is struggling a little bit.

Oh, looks like he's getting some help
from the stands.

- Let's go, dad.
- That's it!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

But it looks like he's got a lot of heart.

Let's see if the audience buys it.

That was shockingly good.
Guys, what do we think?

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Dominic. Just look at him glide.

♪ Guarantee turn a square to a bi ♪♪♪♪ ♪

He is moonwalking!
I haven't seen that since 1984.

- Oh, my god!
- That was smooth.

That was great.

Look at those rubber legs.

He is like, "ah." Yeah, it's like…

He's turning the crowd around.

Oh, wait a minute!
He's popping. He's locking.

He's popping and locking! Oh, my lord!

He's making moves,
and the audience is responding.

Good. The sauce king.
Bring out the special sauce!

The crowd is going wild!

Ooh! Over my head!

He turned it around!

And he's very injured.
Please, somebody help.

I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh, okay.

Somebody come get their man.

- Okay. Okay. I know.
- Baby, I can't move.

- How did I do?
- Oh, my gosh.

Daddy, you were incredible!

- Was I good?
- You were great!

- You were so funny.
- That was amazing!

- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Yeah!

- Hey, everybody.
- There she is!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Deja!

Honey, that scout couldn't take her eyes
off of you. You were incredible.

- Okay, we need to celebrate.
- Yes.

I'm sure everyone's starving, right?

Yes. Yes.

And I got us our table
at our favorite restaurant.

Dom, you're invited too.

What? What's that face?

I was actually thinking
about going with my dad.

Oh. Sure. Of course. Yeah. Awesome.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's fine.

I promised deja I'd take her and a few of
her friends out to dinner at soho house.

- Fancy. Wow.
- Oh, that sounds nice.

- Babe, you deserve it.
- Yeah.

They might not have a quiche
with your name on it,

but I'm sure it'll be great.

Bye, baby.

Sorry, sauce king.

- I'm sorry.
- No. I don't even take that as an insult,

because I am on the verge
of becoming sauce royalty.

What do you mean?

- I got an investor meeting for my sauce.
- What?

We've always daydreamed
about selling it retail, right?

Steve came in the other day.
He's always trying to buy a bottle.

He hooked me up with two investors,
and I've got a meeting tomorrow.

Oh, my god, Paul, that's amazing!

I'm so excited!

Babe, Paul's hot, sweet and savory

could be on supermarket shelves
all across the country.

I could be bigger than chef boyardee.
And I will literally be the sauce king.

So, what you're saying is
I will be the sauce queen?

- Yes, my queen!
- The sauce queen!

There she goes. Mmm.
Look at my sauce queen.

You're fire, babe.

Littles, let's go.
We're gonna be late for school.

Bronx, Bailey,
no wearing pj's to school, okay?

- Aw!
- Ta-da!

Luna, strong choice. Love it.
Suggestion: Just take off one thing.

All right. Solid advice.

Oh.

What do you think? Is it too much?

No. Perfect.

- Oh, my gosh. How do you feel?
- I'm nervous.

I'm in a suit. I never wear a suit,
so I'm worried I'm overdressed. No?

No, you look absolutely amazing.

You've just gotta go in there
and be yourself,

- and, honey, you're gonna k*ll it.
- Thank you, baby.

"Hot, sweet, savory sauce.
Hot, sweet, savory sauce."

- Can I help you?
- Yes. Hi there.

I have a 10:00 A.M. appointment
with Melanie and Michele.

They're finishing a meeting, but they
should be with you in a few minutes.

- Should I wait here or…
- yeah.

Hi.

Um, I'll be right back. Okay?

Here goes nothing.

Perfect.

Ooh.

Damn, dj.

♪ Lost my mind, guillotine ♪

♪ lost my mind, guillotine ♪

What's up? I'm back.

Wow. That's not weird.
They're ready for you.

Good. Let's do it.

Okay.

- Hi. I'm Melanie.
- Hi, I'm Paul. Melanie, nice to meet you.

- Hi. Michele.
- Hi, Michele. Paul. Nice to meet you.

- Uh, love the sweatshirt. So chic.
- Well, thank you.

Oh, thank you. It's balenci-oncé.

Ooh! And that Fanny pack.

Thank you.
They're not just for fannies anymore.

Well, we're super excited
to hear your pitch.

- So, let's get into it, shall we?
- Let's do it.

- All right.
- Hey.

Oh. Okay.

- Ooh!
- Sorry.

Mmm.

Hi, everyone. I am so excited
to introduce you to Paul baker.

Uh…

Oh, hi, everyone. Um…

Thank you... thank you so much
for... for inviting me and for...

Let me just... sorry. Bit overdressed here.

S…

Sauce.
I'm here to talk to you about sauce.

"A billion-dollar industry."

Studies show that sales of sauce

have skyrocketed by more
than 150% since 2000...

Is something wrong?

I'm so sorry. This is... this isn't me.

I'm just gonna do this a different way.
Um…

I'm just gonna speak
to you honestly about it.

I... I'm a chef,
and I have a breakfast restaurant.

And I invented this sauce.

And miraculously,
it is hot, sweet, and savory

all at the same time,
depending on what you put it on.

So you could put it on your waffles
and it would be sweet.

You could put it on your… chimichangas
and it would be… you got it, savory.

- Okay, so, what's 15 times ten?
- Why would I know this?

How did you get an f
on your computer science quiz?

Like, I just don't get it.

Why? 'Cause all Indian people
are supposed to be geniuses?

Or all black people can dance?

- Well...
- We know that's not true.

You know what?

Zoey, show these idiots
what a rhythmless black person looks like.

Hey, family. I have incredible news.

- Why're you wearing my sweatshirt?
- And my jeans?

- And my Fanny pack?
- Are those my sneakers?

Yo, low-key, that outfit goes hard.

Thank you, son.

Look at this, my darling.

What is this... whoa.

That is the money to start
our brand new sauce company.

- You sold the pitch?
- Well, no.

I mean, a full half of the investors said
they had "no faith in this whatsoever,"

but Melanie and Michele
think it has promise.

So they gave me that check
to get things going.

- Whoa, we're rich. We're rich.
- Wow! Wow.

Wait, so they gave you all of this
just for seed money?

No, it's not just seed money.
It's also a signing bonus

and a buyout of the company name
and all future rights to the brand, but...

Cool, so we're rich and sellouts?

No, we're not rich or sellouts.
This is how you grow a business.

But we are the brand.

The company name is literally our name,
so how does that work?

If we're gonna be changing names, I want
the "s" in "haresh" to be a dollar sign.

We're not changing our names, okay?

This is just gonna help us
pay off a whole lot of bills

and, hopefully, get a house
with a working dryer.

Yes!

If mom agrees, there are some in calabasas
that are looking quite delicious.

- What?
- Calabasas? Bieber country?

Am I gonna be a real housewife?

No, it's not bieber-housewives level,
but I found this gated community

which has a really big house
with bedrooms for everyone.

So we all get our own rooms?

- Yay!
- Yay!

Twins still have to share…

Boo!

…but there's a really amazing pool club.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Yes!

- What about school?
- That's the thing.

I think we could also afford
to send you to private school.

- You'd have college prep, smaller classes.
- Yo!

Does it look like I'm college material?

Dude, I'm fine being a disgrace.
I just don't wanna leave my friends.

What about my scholarship to usc?

Deja, the season just started.

I think if your mom
and I decide to do this,

you'll get on another great team.

I don't wanna be on another team.
Another team is wack.

- This whole situation is wack.
- Preach!

Deja, just chill, okay?
Nothing has been decided.

So...

Just keep an open mind.
This could be great for our family.

What about you? You think this is wack?

Just please take off my Fanny pack.

So she locked herself in her room,
and she's not even talking to me.

She'll get over it.

The important thing is that you and I
are on the same page.

Oh, we're not.

- This is a bad idea.
- What are you talking about?

You just said you thought
it could be great.

Because it's important to show
the kids we're a united front.

But no, this is crazy.

We need to use all of that money
to launch the sauce, not buy a house too.

Okay, just listen to me, baby, okay?
I've been crunching numbers,

and I think with the signing bonus,
we can afford a down payment.

It's too risky.

If anything goes wrong, we won't be able
to afford a bigger mortgage.

And seriously? Calabasas?
Is calabasas really us?

I know. It's not ideal,

but it's the only place we can afford
a big enough house.

We have been begging
for more room forever.

You said it yourself today.

True.

Please trust me.

I'm finally, finally in a position

where I can give the kids
something they really need.

And not dumb things,
like fancy headphones and flashy sneakers.

I wanna give my wife a walk-in closet.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

But your wife already had a walk-in closet
that she walked away from.

What I'm hearing is that
you want a walk-in closet.

I really do.

I see that.

♪ I gotta stay fly-y-y-y, y-y, y-y, y ♪

♪ till I die-ie-ie-ie, ie-ie, ie-ie, ie ♪

- Wow.
- Pretty.

Wow, look at that. Look at those gates.
Look how long that driveway is.

- All clean, man.
- That is so tacky.

Doggy!

That one is so sick!

Whoa!
Why did we wait so long to get rich?

Where are we?

Wow. Isn't this amazing?

Yeah. Looks like heaven for that guy.

Howdy, neighbor!

- Did we buy this house?
- No, we didn't. Just looking.

So, this is our house now?

No, buddy.
No one has bought a house.

So, we own this?

Buddy.

- Welcome.
- Whoa. Pretty!

- Careful!
- Curly stairs!

I love it!

- This is so nice.
- Oh, my gosh.

These chandeliers are so drip.

- Seriously? You're into this mcmansion?
- Yo!

There's a koi pond!
And a basketball court!

Really?

I call a room upstairs!

- Check this out. An elevator.
- No way, my own elevator?

What do you think? Look at this.
Wait for it. Wait for it.

- Ah!
- Oh, wow!

- Okay, I got to admit this is epic.
- Yeah.

- We gotta sell a lot of sauce.
- We will.

Yeah! Mom, dad, this house is amazing.

- I mean...
- Yeah.

We have our own fountain!

Stay out of the fountain!

Oof!

I'm fine!

Well, see if he's bleeding.

Look at this kitchen.

Oh.

There it is.

Wow, uh, "Paul's hot, sweet and savory."
That sounds delicious.

- Daddy, that's you.
- That's your sauce.

What? That's crazy. Whose kids are these?

Daddy, we're your kids.

I got lost kids in aisle two.
They're attacking my cart.

- Releasing the littles!
- Yay!

- We're here!
- Wanna take a little pee?

There's so much grass!

- This is all ours, Joe.
- We're home!

- Oh, hi, new neighbors. We're the bakers.
- Hi.

Come over anytime.
We've got extra pool noodles.

Hello, ma'am. Welcome.

Oh, thank you. Hi.

Just so you know, we have
a strict neighborhood noise policy.

No loud music after 10:00.

Okay.

Uh, question for you.

Do you always immediately tell
all new homeowners about this policy?

Or just us?

Seconds after we arrive.

Is everything okay?

Yes, sir. Um…

Didn't mean to cause any offense.

Probably shouldn't have said
anything offensive.

My apologies, ma'am.

You folks enjoy your day.

Well, that was fun for me.

What is all this?

It's our first night in the big place.
I thought we should celebrate.

How about some flamin' hot cheetos
and cîroc?

Look what I got you. Hold on.

French vanilla cîroc.

I thought they discontinued
French vanilla.

Like that would ever stop me.

Oh, this calls for lingerie.

Okay. You know the one I love, baby.
You know that one.

Mmm. Cake.

Whoa.

- No, no. What are you guys doing?
- We're scared.

Um, we called for you,
but you couldn't hear us.

No, please take the dog off the bed.

- No, no, please...
- Cheetos!

No, these are not for you,
and this is not for you.

- This looks nice.
- Rose petals!

No, please leave the Rose petals...

- Our tummies hurt.
- How could both of your tummies hurt?

We're twins, dad.
You know how this kind of thing goes.

- Come on! Come in!
- No, we're not all staying in here...

Rose petals!

Oh, hey, guys.

- Come on. It's your man.
- Hey, dj!

Just gonna take this.

- You came just in time to leave.
- Rose petals! Rose!

- Thank you.
- Anyways,

I'm gonna need the wireless password,

but not so I can search for college girls
being free with their bodies.

No, that's why I didn't give you
the Wi-Fi password.

Dude! The password.

- No. No Wi-Fi for both of you.
- Please, come on!

Yo, family movie night.

- No, it's not family movie night.
- Yeah!

- No. Everybody, please...
- What's going on?

Are you seriously having
a family movie night without me?

- No!
- Yes!

- No, everybody out.
- Pardon my butt.

Where do you think you're going?
Get off of me! Okay.

Okay, no. Bark.

Bark! No! Bark, give me... come on! Bark!

What is going on out... oh, my...

Drop it. Drop mama's throw!

That's mommy's face!

She got these for me!

- She bought these for me!
- Don't lie!

- Don't lie!
- These are from her.

Did I ever tell you about
the night your mother and I were married

and we decided to have
an even dozen like you?

Six boys and six girls. I believe
you even made a memorandum of it.

What? What?

♪ They say I walk like a king ♪

♪ talk like a king ♪

♪ you can ask around
they'll say the same thing ♪

♪ make way for the king ♪

Hello, everyone. We're the bakers.

Eh?

What are you looking at?

It's so beautiful, baby.
You wanna get in?

Not right now. I'm a little uncomfortable.

I mean, look around. Everyone is staring
at us like we're weird.

Of course they're staring at us.
We are weird, babe.

Look at our kids. Our kids are weirdos.

Guys, there's no reception here.

Hey, Ella!

Receive this!

Oh, my... no, my phone!

No, my phone! Oh, my god.

Luca and Luna are living their best life.

We would dominate in doubles tennis.

I'll reserve a court.

I just feel like we don't belong here.

Of course we belong here.

You belong here. You belong everywhere.

Oh, come on.

No, you come on.

Honey, believe it or not,

I don't share the same sense of privilege
that you do that I can just go anywhere

- and automatically belong.
- Well, I don't feel that way.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Name one time in your life
you didn't belong.

Really? Okay, um,
how about when your father took me

to that barbershop in inglewood
and they gave me a jheri curl?

O-Okay. How about
when we went to your mom's church

and everyone stared at me the entire time?

Yeah, 'cause you were flailing around
like a lunatic.

It is not my fault I caught the spirit,
Zoey.

It was a bake sale.

Okay, fine.

A few times in your life,
you felt like you didn't belong.

I feel that way all the time.

This is our home.
And they're gonna have to get used to us.

You know what? I'm gonna go in the pool,

because I'll be damned if I'm not gonna
feel at home when I'm at home.

Cannonball!

- Yeah, Paul!
- Okay, yeah.

- Okay, nice.
- Ten.

Hi, hi. I wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood.

Normally, I'd have a welcome gift,
but I figured I'd just say, "hi."

So, hi. I'm tricia.

- Hi, I'm Zoey. Nice to meet you.
- Oh! Nice to meet you.

- Wait, have a seat.
- Okay.

Oh, wow. You are so brave

to let your kids invite so many
of their friends over. Two is my limit.

Oh, no. Actually, they're all ours.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I actually have three, so I know
what it's like to have my hands full.

Yeah, I've gone days
without seeing three of my kids.

Oh, gosh. I gotta take this.
It's my sister-in-law.

Rachel.

Paul. Paul, Paul.

Paul, Paul.
You need to get out of the water.

- What?
- Come here.

- What happened?
- Your sister's in rehab again.

Why are we having
an emergency family meeting?

Here's the situation.

Aunt Rachel has to go away
for a little while

on a special little trip.

And in the meantime, guess what?

Cousin Seth is coming to live with us!

- "Sticky fingers" Seth?
- Didn't he go to juvie for shoplifting?

Yeah, and get held back, what, four times?

Dad, no. This isn't some halfway house.

- This is a whole house.
- It's not a debate, guys.

I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.
Family has each other's back, okay?

So tomorrow, when he gets here,

every single one of you is gonna treat him
like family. You got it?

- Got it.
- Got it.

That was two people.
Can I have some enthusiasm?

Got it!

Now like you're really excited
to see Seth! Got it?

- Got it!
- Whoo!

Can I get an "amen"?

Dad, don't push it.

Okay, come on in.

- Welcome.
- Dang.

Yeah, a few things have changed
since you were last with us.

But, you know, make yourself at home.

And everyone is really excited
that you're here.

Yeah.

- Where is everybody?
- I don't know. Doing their own thing.

But we told you guys that Seth was coming.

Yeah, and you also said
to treat him like family, so…

Resh, maybe you could show Seth your room,

since you guys are gonna be roomies.

Right. Sorry.

Fix your face.

Aw, look at that smile.
You guys are gonna be besties.

Oh, he's thrilled.

Let's go, roomie.

I see a secret handshake in your future.

I'm not gonna do that.

All right. This is where you'll be staying
while you do your time here.

Nah.

Nah, uh-uh. Nah, playboy.
Newcomers don't get the top bunk.

There's a hierarchy here.
They serve us dinner around 7:00.

We work in the kitchen on weekends.
You get your exercise outside on the yard.

- What?
- Now, this…

Is where it all goes down.

While you're here, I suggest you link up
with a crew for protection.

Got your Beckys, got your lifers.

That one has been in for 18 years.

The little ones are soft.
You don't wanna get mixed up with them.

They can't protect you.

Yo. Cousin Seth.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, you know,
just showing the little homey the ropes

so he knows how to survive on the inside.

Have you been watching locked up again?

There may or may not have been
a 48-hour marathon on msnbc.

Leave me alone, dude.

Hey, Seth?

Hey, bud.
I made you a little breakfast-lunch.

I'm not really hungry.

Okay, well, I'll just put it right here.

In case you change your mind.

Look, I-I know how hard it can be
to adjust to a new environment.

I want you to feel like this is home.

I have a home. It's back
in my old neighborhood with my homeys.

Yeah. Yeah, I know,

and... and I'm sure those are...
Those are really great guys.

But I made a promise to my sister
that I would look out for you.

But I'm here
if you ever wanna talk about anything.

All right.

I'll leave you alone.

Unpack.

- Daddy!
- What? What?

- Dad!
- What's wrong?

We liked it better
when your bedroom was right next to ours.

Now it's too far.

We can't crawl in your bed
or hear you through the walls anymore.

Exactly.

Which means you won't grow up
to be freaky men with weird issues.

- That can happen?
- No, no, no.

The second you're an adult,
all your problems go away.

Can you at least read us a bedtime story?
Please.

Okay. Which one?

- All of them.
- All of 'em.

Oh, I feel tricked.

- We got this.
- Babe,

we have more bathrooms now.
The kids don't need as long to get ready.

Yeah, but it's their first day of school.

Come on. Ten more minutes.
Just lie with me.

Okay.

- Kate, what's wrong? You okay?
- I'm great. I'm loving this new kitchen.

Where is everyone? We can't be late
for school on the first day.

- What's going on?
- The new school starts later.

Oh, no.

New high school starts later,
new middle school starts earlier.

We have to be out of here in ten minutes.

We have ten minutes. It's a code red!

- Code red, baby! Where are my slippers?
- Okay! I don't know!

- I don't need my slippers! Come on!
- Go!

- Let's go! Move out!
- Here we go!

- Dad!
- Dude!

- Let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Zoey!

Hey, I'ma need my shoe back!

No, no, no, no, no!

No! No!

No!

- Thanks.
- You bet.

Thank you.

- For you.
- Thank you very much.

Oh, almost gave you my keys there.

Thank you.

- Thanks.
- All done.

- All right. Last one.
- Oh, Harley.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Let's be late every day!

- Oh, keys.
- Keys.

I feel like there were
a few extra children in there.

- I didn't recognize some of them.
- Late start is genius.

- So relaxing.
- Yeah. So relaxing.

All right. Let's get this over with.

Okay, dej, before you go,
I just wanna give you a little something

that I hope makes your first day go
a little smoother.

- For real?
- Yeah.

Whoa. Are you kidding me?

- Awesome. We got our own car.
- Hold up.

- You got your own car.
- Yeah, that's right.

That you'll allow me to ride in.

♪ Run wild ♪

Okay.

♪ I'm on a mission and I won't stop ♪

Mom, thank you so much.

♪ No destination but it's worth a sh*t ♪

♪ you gotta let me go
you gotta let me go ♪

Okay.
I gotta say, that felt pretty amazing.

You did good.

Okay, take it nice and slow.

That's not what I meant!

♪ You gotta let me go ♪

Whoa.
This school is super beautiful.

And how cute are these uniforms?
I'm gonna get so many likes.

Is that guy looking at me?

He's totally checking you out.

- What do I do if he comes up to me?
- Hey, don't worry.

I'm your sister. If anything pops off,
you know I got your back.

I feel like I know you.

Wait, didn't you used to play
for the wildcats?

Who wants to know?

Wait, you scored,
like, 30 against Fairfax last month.

It was 37, actually.

Yeah, and, you know, I'm her sister,
which makes me a pretty big deal.

I bet you're headed
to the registration building.

I could take you if you want.

Nah, I'm good. I'm a big girl.
I can find my classroom on my own.

Yeah, and I can find my classroom too.

Okay, cool.
Yeah, that's not humiliating at all.

Deja.

Deja!

He's so cute.

What?

- Haresh, let's go!
- I'm trying.

- Where are we even going?
- Hi. You guys must be new. I'm Dylan.

- Hey. Dj.
- Harley.

Can I help you get to class?

Yes, please.
'Cause I'm totally weak and helpless.

- Later.
- Ice cold.

Ooh!

No! I-I mean, because you're new!

I mean, you can help me.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Oh, hey. Wait up.
- Yo, watch it, dude.

- You gonna apologize?
- Or... or do you even speak English?

I'm from echo park, idiots.

Okay! Any other first-day highlights?

I learned about the sixth extinction.

When the bees die, we all die.

- Deja met a cute boy.
- Shut up.

Okay,
who wants a celebratory breakfast-snack?

Doughnut cake!

Doughnut cake!

Doughnut cake! Yay!

Guys, shouldn't we at least wait for mom?

- I mean, she loves doughnut cake.
- Hey, everybody!

I didn't hear you come in.

How was everyone's day?

- Resh?
- Ah, you know how I do.

Got a couple new friends
and a couple new thirsty ig followers.

- Super popular.
- Have you been here the whole time?

Yeah. Definitely not napping in your bed.

Oh, lord. Give me strength.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Good morning. Paul, babe. Look who's here.

- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hi.

What brings you by? Let me guess.

You want some lunch-breakfast.
Egg white enchiladas.

Actually, we're here to talk sauce.

Well, that's my favorite subject.
Come on. I've got an open booth.

- Join us?
- Uh…

I got you.

Thanks, deej.

Hi.

Oh, hello! Welcome to baker's.

And yes, I am a child.

What's going on?

So, we've been doing some research,

and we're seeing
that in the past few months,

your sauce has been flying
off the shelves.

Sales have doubled in the past week alone.

- Doubled.
- Yeah, we've been doing okay.

No, it's more than okay.

We're thinking what you could do
with some real money behind you.

So, what exactly are you proposing?

We're proposing an expansion.

We wanna take your restaurant
and make it bigger than ihop.

We wanna turn baker's into a franchise.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

I got goose bumps.

Yeah. I got something too.

Bye.

- Bye.
- All right, ladies. Drive safe.

What do you think?

I think the idea sounds very exciting.

I'm not sure why we need to do it though.

I mean, the sauce is doing so well,
we bought the house...

But this is just the beginning.

This could be everything
we've ever dreamt of.

I don't know.

- Bye. Thank you for coming.
- Thank you.

What do we even know
about starting a franchise?

Nothing. But what did I know
about starting a restaurant?

This is different.
I mean, it would be a huge change.

- Change is good.
- Is it?

- Hi, welcome to baker's.
- Hey.

When dom got drafted to the league,
he promised me that nothing would change.

But it did. I mean, I knew
he would be on the road a lot.

But then he started saying "yes"
to everything.

And then, between the endorsements,
and the appearances,

it was like he was never home.

And when he was home,
he was too tired to be present.

Look, I know I can make this work.

But I won't do it
without your full support.

Us being on the same page
means everything to me.

- Let's do it!
- Really?

Really!

- I want ice cream.
- Where's deja?

I don't know.

- Go-gurt is so good, right?
- This yogurt is pretty good.

♪ Hey, you, get down
lace up my loubs ♪

♪ here's a queen coming through ♪

♪ hey, you, pull up
make me some food ♪

Did mommy and daddy take in
another person?

♪ It's a kindness to you ♪

That's deja, dude!

Deja's a girl?

Yeah, duh.

Are you wearing makeup?

It's no big deal.
They're having a pep rally after school,

- so I figured I'd just change it up.
- Where's the rest of your skirt?

That's Chris. I've gotta go.

W-Wait, wait!
Since when is Chris just a part...

Oh, my goodness.

What?

I had no idea what was under all those
baggy clothes and basketball shorts.

My baby's a woman.

- A woman that could be in a Drake video.
- Good one.

All right. That's it.
None of you girls are ever dating.

- That's sexist.
- You know what? You're right.

None of you are ever dating.

Boo!

Whoa!

Yo, who was the baddie
with the fat Kardashian butt?

That was your sister.

That's what you get for looking at butts.

Sorry, bin laden, no more room.

Dude, I'm an Indian, not a Saudi.

If you're gonna insult someone based on
their race, at least get it right.

How about we roast your busted nikes?

Get out of here, bro.

Smooth. She totally didn't see you panic
and look away.

- Wait, she didn't?
- No.

- See, I told you he keeps looking at me.
- I know.

Dude, now she thinks you're a stalker.

Oh, shut up.

Night, deej. Don't stay up too late, okay?

- Hey... hey, Paul?
- Yeah?

Uh… got a quick sec?

Sure.

What's going on?

Okay, well,

- you know I'm turning 14 in a few months…
- yeah.

- …and I don't know anything about girls.
- Mmm.

So I was wondering if you and me

could talk about
everything there is to know.

Um, I think that this might be

a better conversation
for you to have with your dad.

No way. Me and my dad,
we have nothing in common.

I feel like you and I,
we connect on a much deeper level.

Aw, dj. That is so sweet.

I mean, he's this super successful,
handsome athlete

who can basically do everything.

- You're the complete opposite.
- Oh.

You're an ordinary guy like me
with average looks and ordinary body.

Wow. Okay,
that's starting to be a-a little hurtful.

- Well, there's this girl, Talia.
- Mmm.

She's really pretty.

Okay, um, let me think.

Um, the best way to get in good
with a girl, I think,

is to find out what she likes

and kind of use that as an icebreaker
to get your foot in the door.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Thanks for being
so average and relatable, Paul.

I am always here to be ordinary for you.

Dad put Seth on register duty.

So?

It's pathetic. So transparent.

What do you mean?

It's the classic trust-building move.

He's giving Seth more responsibility
so Seth will feel more secure, less angry,

and less likely to s*ab us in our sleep.

He sleeps in my room.

Sleep lightly, bro.

- Babe. That was Melanie and Michele.
- Hmm.

They want us to come up north next weekend
and look at new restaurant spaces.

- What? Wow! Oh, my god, that's exciting.
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, next weekend?

It's deja's first game.

Oh, right.
Okay, I'll tell them never mind.

- No, no. Go. Go without me. It's fine.
- I'm not gonna go without you.

Yeah, it's one trip.
There'll be plenty more. It's fine.

- It won't be as fun without you.
- No, it won't be.

Hey, hey. Hold up. I need to talk to you
about the cash register situation.

- Um, I was...
- Yeah,

I'm super impressed with how
you're handling this new responsibility.

- Really?
- Yes.

Congratulations,
you got yourself a permanent position.

And here is a little something
for all your hard work.

- Thanks, Paul.
- Good job, bud.

Uh, Seth,

really proud of you, kid.

Thanks, Zoey.

You're gonna be okay without me, right?

Yes, you're going to San Francisco,
not w*r.

I'm just saying we can afford
a little help now if you need it.

- Go. I'm fine.
- Okay. Have fun. I love you.

- I love you.
- Bye.

- Morning, sir.
- Good morning.

Got you.

Oh, whoa. Where do you two think
you're going with those?

- You said we had a playdate.
- You can't bring those to our playdate.

But they're just toys.

That you convinced us to buy,
then taught us how to sh**t.

Yes, admittedly, they are hours of fun,
but those are only for inside the house.

Okay? Never outside.
All right? It's not safe.

But chin up.

Because there's so many other fun things
to do over there. I promise.

- Die! Die!
- I got you!

Guys,
there's so many other fun ways to play.

Please, just let us feel our feelings.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

- Oh, my kids are so over me.
- Mmm.

Oh. Mine were never into me.

- Hi, Anne.
- Hi, Trish.

Oh, wow.

Oh, those kids are so cute.

Oh, thank you.

And how long have you been the nanny for?

Anne…
…this is Zoey.

She's the new mom in the group.

- Oh…
- surprise!

Oh, I did it again.

Oh, "again."

I am so sorry. Oh, my goodness.

I had absolutely no idea.
Never seen you in any of the mom groups.

No, it's... it's fine. It's fine.
You know what? It's an honest mistake.

Well, I'm Anne Vaughn. Hi, zo.

"Ey." yep.

Nice to meet you. And I also adopted.

Those are my children. Ming and Kenny.

Okay. Okay.

Well, I am Zoey.

And those are my biracial children, uh,
Bronx and Bailey,

that I conceived with my husband…

…and then I birthed them
through my very own personal uterus.

Okay, I could use some wine, Trish.

- Listen, I don't wanna make this awkward…
- Yeah, we all could.

…but it's just so frustrating.

People have so many preconceived notions
about my kids.

That, like, they're not mine
or there's too many of them…

…or they're too wild!

Mom! Mom!

Was that a stray rottweiler
running down the bike path?

What is going on? Whose kids are those?

Uh…
Look at the time. It's wine o' clock.

Wait!

Y'all know these espadrilles
weren't made for running!

Come on!

Hi, I'm chef baker.

Let's go, hornets!

Come on, defense!

Mommy, when's deja gonna play?

I don't know, sweetie.

- Hey, what's up, guys?
- Chris! Chris! Chris!

- Hey, Mrs. Baker.
- How you doing?

Mr. Clayton. Wow.
You're here cheering on deja too?

- Sure are.
- Nice to meet you.

"Too"?

Who the hell is that?

Well, I mean,
it's definitely not deja's boyfriend

who we're not supposed
to be telling you about.

Dom, he's putting her in.

Hey! Here we go, deja!

Come on, baby! Come on, dej!

Not you, Clayton. Baron, you're in.

I'm sorry.

What?

Baron? Look, I've seen her in practice,
and she's a garbage player.

I mean, who would pick a baron
when you got a Clayton?

Well, I hope usc gives out scholarships
for riding the bench.

Whoa. Whoa. Where you guys going?

We're scared.

There's a monster under our bed.

Have you tried monster spray?

What's monster spray?

- You've never heard of monster spray?
- No.

It works every time. Come on.
I'll show you how to make it.

Does it make their eyes pop out
and blood spurt everywhere?

Sure. Blood. Guts. Everything.

Cool.

Hey! How's deja doing?

You know, ego's a little bruised,
but she'll live.

Why won't she talk to me?

Because she's a moody teenage girl
and you're her annoying mom.

Mom is the one who bandages her boo-boos

and was in the trenches with her
every day.

Yeah, but mom's not the athlete.

Mom doesn't know what it's like to put
her blood, sweat and tears onto the court,

and walk away with nothing
but aching muscles and a broken heart.

Let daddy have this one.

Okay.

Oh, and you don't have to call yourself
"daddy" when there's no kids around.

Oh.

Got it. Got it. Daddy hears that.

So, what do you think?

I mean, I guess it could work,

but only if we take what's here
and, like, rip it all out and burn it.

- Sounds like we should keep looking.
- Yeah.

In the meantime, let's talk menus.

Yes! By the way, Zoey made a list
of all these local vendors.

- Local?
- Yeah.

The customers love it and it's awesome
for the organic farm community.

Look, we love organic farmers.

- They're a fun bunch.
- Yeah, so fun!

But we like to use larger wholesalers
to cut costs.

So many costs.

- Wait, really?
- But, with that said, let's get into it.

Yeah!
If it makes sense, we'll totally do it.

Okay, great. Should we get out of here?

- Yeah!
- Smells like sadness.

- Okay. We got you.
- And mouse poop.

Zo, I still can't believe
you have ten kids and no nanny.

Wait. You have ten kids? Consensually?

Well, technically, they're not all mine.

You know,
three are from Paul's first marriage.

And then we took in our nephew
who was getting into some bad stuff.

You know, fighting, and gangs and…

Oh, no. That's awful.

And you're bringing him here to this safe,
equity-growing, gated community.

I mean, it's so thoughtful of you.

You and Paul should come over
for dinner sometime.

Oh, gosh. That would be great.
You know, whenever he gets back.

Ever since this whole franchise thing
started, he's always gone.

Right now, he's up in San Francisco
looking for potential restaurant venues.

That's how it always goes.

Dad's jet-setting away
while mom's stuck at home with the kids.

Yes. Ugh. I agree.

Shockingly, I enjoy being with my kids.

- I do too.
- I do too. Yeah.

That's hilarious. "I do too."

You guys are funny.

Hello? Anybody home?

Daddy!

What'd you bring us?

Bring you? I thought me arriving home
safely was your present?

- Boo!
- Boo?

Boo, you guys! Oh, no!
Wait, I forgot all the presents.

I don't know why you guys think
I got you something.

I don't know what's in here.

Who put this in here? A warriors Jersey!

Thanks, Paul!

- Golden gate legos.
- Yo! Yo, thanks.

Alcatraz hat.

Sick, thanks!

Tupac sweatshirt.

What's up?

I wonder who this is for? iPhone case.

- Thank you!
- 49ers socks.

- Did we get anything?
- Cool.

Like a hat or something else?

Oh, no. What happened?
All that's left are my clothes.

I'm so sorry, guys.

- But we're your best children.
- Yeah.

You're right. You are my best children.

Let me see what...
Hotel chocolates and soap!

Yay!

Candy!

Soap!

- Thank you, daddy! Thank you!
- Thanks, dad!

They love soap.

I don't know why. They don't use it.

Well played, Mr. Baker.

And of course, I couldn't come home
without a souvenir for mommy.

What?

Babe.

It's beautiful.

Baby, you didn't have to do this.
I love my ring.

I know, but I've been wanting
to do this forever,

and I'm finally in a position
where I could.

That's the ring I should have bought you
ten years ago.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, out with the old
and in with the bling.

Whoa!

- You like it?
- I love it.

- Hey, man.
- Yo.

I got you something.

Dude, what's this?

So you can get rid of those busted kicks
you keep getting clowned for.

Ah. Nah, dog.
You... you got it all wrong. Okay?

Like, me and my boys at school,
we just go back and forth like that. I...

Stop. No, seriously.

You're making this uncomfortable
for both of us.

Now, I've seen what's been going on
at school, and I've been there.

I used to get clowned all the time.

Shut up. You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

All right, dude. D-Dude. I'm serious.

You know, look at me.

I've always been the weirdo
with the messed-up mom and no dad.

Open them.

Yo!

Dude, these... these kicks are dope.

All right, but I can't take these.
Where'd you even get the money from?

Don't worry about it.

You know, all you need to do
is keep those jerks off your back.

I'm gonna help you.

I'll teach you how to defend yourself.

Let's do this.

Hey, guess what.

Melanie and Michele wanna fly me back up
to look at restaurant spaces

over the next few days.

- Again? You were just there.
- I know, I'm surprised too.

They said it's important
to nail it all down now.

I thought we were all gonna talk
about it on the call tomorrow.

Yeah, I guess they have, like,
a bunch of meetings tomorrow.

So we just kinda ended up
talking about it now.

- Wait. Why didn't you come get me?
- Because you were giving the twins a bath.

And you didn't say you had to wait for me?

Well, they just started talking,
and it was exciting and...

Babe, can I at least show you
what we talked about?

It's really exciting.

Look. Look at this.
Wait. Wait for it. Look at that.

- Whoa.
- Right?

- Look at this.
- That's beautiful.

We could put a huge chalkboard right here.

A-And do a list of all the local vendors
and their farms.

About the local vendors,

they say that it's gonna be too expensive
now that we're expanding.

Those personal touches are what makes
baker's breakfast, baker's breakfast.

And then the name is another thing too.

I guess there's already a franchise that's
baker's breakfast buffet or something,

and they're really worried
that our branding will get confused.

- So, we're changing our name too?
- But they said don't worry.

They're gonna put, like,
a huge marketing team behind it.

Wait. Wait. Why? Why?

Didn't you tell them
I have a degree in marketing?

I mean,
I came up with "baker's breakfast."

Yeah, but, babe,
it wasn't that revolutionary.

It's just my name and what I serve.

So, last I checked,
it was our name and what we serve.

I didn't mean it like that.
I just mean that, you know...

I'm the face of the company. I'm the chef.

Look, I barely know the Malibu Barbies,

and I get that they
don't value my opinion,

but I can't believe that you're trying
to edge me out too.

I am not trying to edge you out, baby.
Come on. I promise.

I barely know them. I just...
I don't wanna create any obstacles.

Oh, so now I'm an obstacle. Right.

Come on. I didn't mean it like that.
Look, Zoey, this is my dream.

Right. Your dream. And I'm dreamless.

I'm going to bed,

but I won't dream.

- Yo!
- Oh! Geez.

Could my kids stay at my house?
Would that help while he's gone?

- Um, thank you for that offer, but no.
- Mm-hmm.

All the twins love
to have them here, so no.

- We're good.
- Mm-hmm.

- I could move in.
- No. We're good. We are so good.

You got this. What's for dinner?

♪ I'm so tired of being alone ♪

I got this.

♪ I'm so tired of on-my-own ♪

♪ won't you help me, girl
just as soon as you can ♪

Obama, no! No, they're my good shoes.

Not mama's favorites.
Not mama's favorites.

Let go. Let 'em go. Come on.

♪ People say that I've found a way ♪

♪ to make you say that you love me ♪

♪ hey, baby ♪

♪ you didn't go for that ♪

♪ It's a natural fact ♪

♪ that I wanna come back ♪

♪ show me where it's at, baby ♪

♪ I'm so tired of being alone ♪

♪ I'm so tired of on-my-own ♪

♪ won't you help me, girl
soon as you can ♪

Time for school, guys.

Morning, mommy.

- Ready.
- How's this outfit?

Whatever.

Yay!

♪ I guess you know that I love you ♪

Hey.

Hey. It's so good to hear your voice.
How's everything going?

Oh, you know, house is messy.
Restaurant's busy.

The littles went to school

dressed like complete maniacs
five out of five days this week,

but at least you'll be home tomorrow
to help me get it all back on track.

Uh, listen, about that. You might have
to hold things down a little bit longer.

They want me to stay an extra week.

A week? What about dj's birthday party?

I'll be back in time for the party, babe.
I'm so sorry. Don't be mad at me.

There's just so many things
I gotta finalize.

Please do not miss his party.

What?

Hi, I'm Zoey baker.

Hi, I'm Kate baker.

I got a call about my son, haresh baker.

Oh, I didn't know haresh had two moms.

- Yes.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, no. No. We're not together.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no. We never were.

- But life is long.
- Not that long.

Oh, Robert. Thank goodness.

Mrs. and Mrs. Baker.
Thank you for coming in.

- Oh, no. No problem. Where's haresh?
- What happened?

Yo, Trent! I stand against bullying!

- What are you...
- r*cist trash,

I'll k*ll you and your Nana!

Get off me, dude! Get off me!

Chill out, bro. I'm warning you.
You mess with him, you mess with me.

Yeah. And if you mess with him,
you mess with me. Whoa!

You're saying haresh att*cked
the other boy?

My haresh?

I'm as surprised as you,

but I... I still need to suspend him
for a week.

- All right. I'm passing. Yeah.
- I'm open. I'm open.

- Gaming?
- You said, "go to your room."

Because you're grounded,
not to play video games.

Come on. It's not haresh's fault.
The guys at school...

I don't care whose fault it is.

You both could have gotten
kicked out of school.

Hand over the remotes now.

Dad leaves,
and you all lose your minds all at once.

- Hey. Where are you going?
- I have plans with Chris.

- Now?
- Tonight.

No way. No.

Babe, you've got homework
and practice tomorrow.

And besides, I need your help
with your brothers and sisters

until Paul gets back.

And when's that?
It's not like he's ever here anymore.

You know what? Hand over the keys.

This is so unfair.

- Hey, if she's not using those, then…
- don't even.

My life is a nightmare.

All their damn minds.

Mmm.

What do you think?

I don't understand.
I thought we were seeing new spaces.

I thought we agreed this place
smelled like mouse poop.

And why are there lunch items
on this menu?

Marketing collected some data.
People love soup.

Last we checked,
there are no breakfast soups.

Well, if they want soup,
they can eat at a nursing home.

I do breakfast. That's my thing.
I'm the breakfast guy.

Stop thinking small.
You're not a mom-and-pop anymore.

Oh, my god. My son's birthday party.

I'm so sorry. I have to go.
You can shred this though.

- Wait!
- Breakfast!

What?

Trish, we're all set.

I put out all the brains and guts.

Zoey, I'm loving the zombie theme.
That green cotton candy is genius.

Oh, thank you. I had no idea
everything that went into it.

You know, Paul and I usually plan
all these kids' parties together.

I can't believe he's still
in San Francisco.

I know.
He should be back any minute though.

But I have to go upstairs.

Dj and deja
don't wanna come out of their rooms.

Ugh, tell me about it.

Madison didn't come out of her room
for two years.

Well, if you guys need anything, ask Kate.

She's always really helpful.
No, she is not, so enjoy that.

Isn't it wild that we were both macaws
in another life?

- Totally.
- Isn't flying phenomenal?

You're phenomenal.

Who cares about some stupid party, right?

I mean, nobody wants to walk around

with some beautiful, rare, exotic bird
perched on their shoulder.

I mean, I know I don't.

I feel you.

- I know, right.
- That's what I was thinking too.

- Yeah.
- No way.

So excited.

Dj! What are you doing?
Your party started 15 minutes ago.

I need to talk to Paul.

Sweetheart, I don't know where Paul is,
but you can talk to me.

This is guy stuff, mom.

Okay. What... what about your dad?

No! Definitely not.

It's fine. I'll just do what Paul said.

I'll be down in a sec. I promise.

Excuse me.

Your attention please. Flight number 5543…

Excuse me. I'm so sorry. I'm late.

All passengers…

Woo-hoo!

- I thought I wasn't going to make it.
- I'm sorry, sir,

the doors have already been closed.
We're no longer boarding.

Oh, no, no. Please, please.
It's my son's birthday party.

I gotta make it home.
Look how sweet he is.

Aw. A black son. By all means.

Please extend the jetway.

- Really?
- No, I am not extending the jetway.

Well, uh…

look, um, I make the most amazing sauce.

It's hot, sweet, and savory,
and I promise you,

I will provide you with a lifetime supply
if you let me get on this flight.

What do you say?

Sir. Sir!

So it's hot, sweet or savory
depending on what you put it on.

Damn r*cist talking about,
"do you want some hot sauce?"

You know I want some hot sauce.
Still don't mean you should ask.

I love the dry ice, by the way.

- Very nice touch.
- Thank you.

Hey, where's dj?

Madison's been looking for him.
I think she has a crush.

I have no idea what's keeping dj.

Oh, goodness.

- You invited Anne?
- I did not invite Anne.

She's just come to curse the party.

Hi. This party is adorable.

It's so throwback that you don't have
any celebrity performers.

It's like when we were kids,

and our parents just could not
be bothered with us.

Anyways, you guys. This is very upsetting.

There've been a series of break-ins
in the neighborhood.

- That's awful.
- Terrible.

Oh, and this is for the birthday boy.

And I'd love to meet your family.
Where is your nephew?

Wait. Why do you ask?

I was just curious.

And also, just out of total curiosity,

do you know
where he was last night at 9:32?

Are you seriously suggesting

that my nephew had something
to do with these break-ins?

No. No.

I just...

I mean, you said yourself

that he had gotten into a lot of trouble
before he came here.

Yeah,
that doesn't make him a criminal, Anne.

And I'll have you know
that my family is honorable, all right?

We are law-abiding citizens.
We are pillars of society.

♪ Yeah, I'm bad to the bone ♪

♪ I ain't sure what you've been told ♪

♪ yeah, I'm mad, you a clone ♪

♪ sussy boy don't even have
a sound of his own ♪

♪ I'm a dad, you're disowned ♪

♪ I'm a fire hazard making hits
from my home ♪

♪ I'm a tad bit broke ♪

- ♪ baby no money means baby no stones ♪
- ♪ whoa ♪

♪ I ain't sure what you been told ♪

♪ yeah, I'm mad, you a clone ♪

That's a phase that he's in.

You know,
he likes to dress up and do the cosplay.

Hey, Talia. What's up?

Hey, dj.

♪ Baby no money means baby no stones ♪

Oh! Oh, no. Ugh.

Zoey, did you find the candles yet?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Zoey, what's taking so long
with the candles? Everyone wants cake.

Wait, wait, wait.
Those are the only candles I have left.

Zoey, we've got a problem.

What's going on?
I thought you were upstairs.

No, she snuck out
and spent the night at her boyfriend's.

What?

Whoa.

I got grounded for fighting.
You're never leaving this house again.

Yeah, I went to the school to watch
her practice, and she wasn't there.

Okay, we've got a party going on outside.
Let's just talk about this later.

No, we'll discuss this right now.

- This is on you, Zoey.
- Me? How is this on me?

Yeah, yeah. This is on you.

And that clueless white dude who
has no idea how to raise my black kids.

Okay, you sound insane.

And our black kids
are being raised just fine.

Ugh, darn it. I smudged my liner.

This seem right to you?

Yeah, he's ex*cuted a perfect smoky eye.

- Great job, honey.
- Thanks, mom.

I'm so sorry I'm late.
You will not believe what happened to me.

I had to charter a jet, babe.

Wow! Dj, what is this outfit?

Just doing what you told me to do
to get girls. And look, it's working!

- You told my son to be a satanist?
- No. No, no, no.

I told him to get into
whatever the girl he likes is into.

I didn't know
that she was into punk rock fonzie.

Why are you even talking to my son
about any of these things?

'Cause he knows me better than you do,
dad.

What's my favorite color?
Who's my favorite superhero?

Name five rules
for surviving a zombie apocalypse. Go!

Okay, look.

I don't need to know how to k*ll
a zombie to know how to raise my son.

You think any of this mess
would happen with me in charge?

Really? 'Cause you did such a terrific job
the last time?

Yeah, whatever.
This whole house is out of control.

You got kids fighting
and getting suspended,

and spending all night
at some boy's house!

- Who spent the night at a boy's house?
- Deja.

What?

And since when do you skip practice?

Since I stopped playing basketball.
I quit.

You can't quit.
You've worked too hard for this.

Who cares? They won't put me in anyway
since we didn't donate the gym.

No. No, no. We got scouts from so coming
to that game on Saturday.

You are not just gonna walk away.

You understand?
This is your life we're talking about.

Yeah, and basketball's only part of it.

I loved it because I love my team,

but it sucks playing
with those stupid, snobby girls

at that stupid, snobby school.

You can't quit
just 'cause you don't like your teammates.

- You can't force me to play.
- You know what? This is ridiculous.

I'm not leaving my kids in this madhouse
another minute.

And you guys can forget
about joint custody. I'm filing for full.

You are being ridiculous.

- I'm not living with you.
- Oh, yes, you are.

And, deja,
you're playing in that game on Saturday.

Yeah, and then you're gonna come
straight home, because you're grounded.

- Chris and I were going to the movies...
- No more Chris.

- You can't do that.
- Yes, I can. Can I do that?

- Yes, you can.
- Good, 'cause I just did. No more Chris.

That's not fair.
Chris is the only good thing

that's happened to me
since I've been here. I hate it here.

We all do.

A rent-a-cop trails mom
every time she leaves the house.

People here call Harley's ramp an eyesore.

Bronx and Bailey are too scared to sleep.

And haresh is getting his face kicked
in by losers at school all the time.

Yo! Your boy got a few hits in. Trust.

I honestly thought you were all happy.

No, you're happy.
And you didn't notice that we aren't,

because as soon as you made us move here,

you took off to do your dumb franchise
and left us here to deal with it.

Wow. I didn't know
we were allowed to go off like that.

I've missed so many opportunities.

Okay, deja isn't "going off." Okay?

She's speaking honestly
about her feelings.

Which is how we've raised you all to be.

So I'm glad you spoke up.

- Really?
- Yep.

Yeah, your mom is right.

Look, let's calm down,
and let's go to the party.

- Look, I... let me...
- Dom, please. Please, for dj.

Here we go.

- Okay, come on.
- Everybody... hey, resh.

- You're grounded.
- Dad!

Deja.
That is so incredibly out of line, huh?

Babe, you just said
that you were glad that she spoke up.

Because I'm trying
to be a united front, Zoey.

I mean, does she not have any idea
how hard I'm trying to make all this work?

Paul, you gotta face it.

It's not gonna work,
because it's not working.

This neighborhood. The schools.
The franchise.

None of it is right for us.

Why are you just telling me this now?

Well, babe,
because I was proud and so excited

watching you go big with your sauce.

And I... I just went along with
all the other bigger and better stuff too.

Of course, I... I wanna give our kids more.

Let's just do it our way
like we always have.

Wow.

I've been gone so much I really had
no idea everyone was this unhappy.

I don't know. I guess, I just...

I was trying to prove to you that I could
give everybody everything they wanted.

I don't know.
I got carried away by those Barbies,

and they almost convinced me
to make lunch.

That's blasphemy.

But you're right. I can feel it.
This isn't us.

This mcmansion and the private schools
and that ring.

Whoa, whoa.

The ring... the ring works.

Come back for a goody bag?

No, actually,
I'm here to pick up deja and dj.

Or do you not remember me saying
I'm not leaving them here?

Doesn't sound like I'm going to get
any argument from deja.

- You know, she hates it here.
- Deja's a teenager, dom.

She hates everything
that doesn't go her way.

And I think dj made it very clear
that he does not wanna go with you.

Well,

dj doesn't know what's good for him.

You do realize they're my children, right?

Of course, I do, but with all due respect,
they're my family too.

Just because we don't have the same blood

- or skin color doesn't mean that...
- Okay. No. Stop. Stop.

Please, don't dismiss that

like we're talking about sharing
the same birthday or taste in music,

because we are not.

We're talking about an experience that...

That you'll never understand.

You do realize
that I have black children too, right?

Listen, man,
just because you married a black woman

and had babies with a black woman,
does not mean that you know

how to handle everything
that's about to be thrown at them.

You have no idea what dj's gonna
have to go through in a couple of years.

I see what you put him through now.

You can't accept the fact
he's this sweet, goofy nerd

who wants to play dungeons & dragons.

Yeah! Yeah, that's how we see him.

But, Paul, he's about to become a man

who's gonna be seen as a thr*at
in this r*cist world

no matter what he does.

Do you honestly think
that I don't understand that?

Listen, Paul. Bro…

I went from a little, skinny kid
in the wild 100s

on the south side of Chicago
to a three-time mvp.

And I still get pulled over
in every city I live in.

You can't prepare him for that.

Because you have no idea what that's like.
How it feels.

How terrifying it is.

Every time.

You're right. You're absolutely right.
I have never experienced that,

and I never will.

And I respect everything you're saying.

But one thing I do have.

I have an incredible bond
with both of your kids,

because I'm here, boots-on-the-ground.

And I love them.

And they love me.

And I am doing
absolutely everything I can.

And I'm saying that's not good enough.

Night, guys.

Before you go in,
there's something we need to tell you.

- What'd you do? Where's my money?
- Yo, what are you talking about?

Save the act, Seth.
We know you're a thief.

Harley heard the real housewives
of calabasas talking about some break-ins,

and we knew it was you. So, busted.

Okay, just because you don't like him,
doesn't make him guilty. It's not that...

No, but the fact
that he had five hundos in there does.

And didn't you say
he bought you a $200 pair of sneakers?

Well, yes...

You told us you saw him stealing
from the cash register, didn't you?

You know, I'm so stupid.
How did I think you people cared about me?

Seth, please, it's...

- Please, I...
- I put it back, by the way.

Not that you people care.

Good job.

Wait, haresh.

- I'm out of here.
- What's the matter?

I don't know what you're trying to prove,

but stop trying to pretend
I'm part of your family.

I'm cool on my own.

Seth, wait!

Let me see what's going on.

No, you guys, that money isn't stolen.
It's from dcfs.

The state gives us money
to cover Seth's living expenses,

but we just give it to him.

- What about the break-ins?
- It wasn't Seth.

Someone broke into Anne's house
during the party while Seth was grounded.

Seth is still out there,
and we have no idea where to look for him.

- I think I do.
- Yo...

- Come on!
- Hey, let's go!

No, no, no. No. You guys... no.

He doesn't need our help right...
Harley... wait just a second.

Deja, dj, get down here right now.
We're leaving.

No, dom. No.

Nobody is going anywhere.

Gotta go.

What?

You know... deja, dj, let's go, right now.

Daddy!

Hey, watch out!

Ow!

- Let's go!
- Hey... wait a... wait a second.

- Wait, wait... hey, hey.
- Guys, guys, guys, please, please.

Dad's okay on his own.

- What's going on?
- What's wrong? Where's Paul?

Okay, everybody, calm down.

He's fine. He just went down
to first and whittier to look for Seth.

- Wait, first and whittier?
- Yeah.

- Paul?
- Yeah?

Evening, sir.

Uh, listen, I'm looking for my nephew.
Have you... have you seen this kid?

Nope.
But I see you got that new iPhone 12.

- Yeah. I do...
- Uncle Paul?

Seth. You're okay.

- How'd you find me?
- Are you kidding?

I've been sending you birthday cards here
for years.

- Come on. I'm here to take you home.
- Just go.

Seth!

Seth!

- There he is! You found him! Yes!
- Daddy! Daddy!

- Guys, what're you... babe, I got this.
- Seth!

- Daddy!
- All right.

- Daddy!
- Hi, guys...

Don't worry. He already had booster seats.
The bird man has four kids.

Yo. Who invited the Jackson 9?

If y'all looking for Disneyland,
you made a wrong turn.

- Seth, thank god we found you.
- Please come home, Seth?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Please.

Ooh.

This you, player?

- Stop it.
- Hey. Don't objectify my mommy.

Okay. Let's... everyone... let's go.
I got this, okay? I can take it from here.

- Moving out.
- No!

No way. We're staying.

I mean, we're family, man.

And we got your back, dude.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Definitely.
- Yeah, I do too, Seth.

Uh, you know, even though I didn't really
when Harley and I accused you of stealing.

Yeah, that was kind of harsh. My bad.

You're the only one that knows
how to make monster spray.

We need refills.

Bro, come back, dude.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have
made it through these past few weeks.

You're my bro.

You had my back when I needed you,
and now I'm a legend.

Og homeys for life, dude.

Little Indian dude's got heart.

And a nice chain.

- I see you, player. Give me some.
- Thank you.

- Dude.
- Okay, look, Seth...

Please come home, Seth.
I'll introduce you to my Teddy bears.

Seth, I know you're upset.

I get it. You have been passed around
so much you don't know who to trust.

That's not fair.

I promise you
this time's gonna be different.

No matter what happens with your mom,
you're always gonna have a home with us.

- Right, guys?
- Yeah, man.

- Yeah.
- Definitely.

- Yeah!
- Come down.

Thanks, guys. I...

I know you mean it, but let's face it.

I'm never gonna fit into
your fancy new life.

Well, guess what.

We don't fit in with our fancy new life
either. Right, guys?

- Not in the slightest!
- No!

- Come on.
- Come on, Seth!

Come home, Seth.
Love like this is hard to find.

Seth! Seth! Seth!

Come on.

- Come on, Seth!
- Come on, man.

Seth! Seth! Seth!

Seth! Seth! Seth!

- Seth! Seth! Seth!
- Seth! Come home.

See you later, guys.

Let's go home.

- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!

Seth! Seth! Seth!

Seth! Seth! Seth!

- Seth! Seth!
- Come on, man.

Seth! Seth!

- Seth! Seth! Seth!
- How about a group hug? Group hug!

Yay! Woo-hoo!

Don't crush the twins.

Hey!

Oh.
I hate when I get so emotional.

All right. Hey.

- Hey.
- Are we home?

Yeah, baby, we're home.

You guys go upstairs and get in bed.
I'll come tuck you in. Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Thank you, dom.
- Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Uh…

I overreacted, you know, about the whole
full custody thing. I don't mean that.

You know, you and Zoey are raising
an amazing family here,

and I'm glad you guys are part of it.

And you're right, Paul.

I missed out on a lot
of the boots-on-the-ground stuff.

You know, teaching this guy
to brush his teeth, ride a bike...

Do not regret the teeth stuff.

I'm telling you,
a four-year-old's morning breath...

It's like a tiny dragon melting your face.

Still, man,

you got all that,

and I didn't.

- So, wait, you're jealous of me?
- No.

- No, that... of course not. No.
- That wouldn't make any sense.

And dj, you're right, buddy.

I don't know anything
about what you're into.

- Yeah.
- But I really want to.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I tell you what. How about
you and me go to comic-con this year?

You know, make some noise.
What do you say?

What? Yeah. Heck yeah.

Yo, you wanna cosplay?

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Whatever you want.

Yes! I'ma bring my comics.
We have so many choices.

Cool. All right, man.

What did I just get myself into here?

You, my friend, just got yourself into
a pair of 4xl tights and a cape.

That's gonna be great.

Thank you for asking that.

That is a great question, Bethany.
Thank you.

- Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt.
- I tried. I couldn't stop him.

Paul, what's up?
We aren't scheduled to sign the paperwork

- until next week.
- Yeah, that's no longer happening.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about lunch, Melanie.

That ridiculous little meal
between breakfast and dinner,

which, fyi, I am also not doing.

Paul, I think you're overreacting.

Am I? Because let me tell you
a little something about me.

I love breakfast.

Breakfast is my jam.

Jam is also my jam.
There're some wonderful jams.

I love marmalades, um, jellies.

Quince paste is delightful sometimes
on a cheese board.

I digress. I don't want any of it.

I want my name back, I want my brand back,
and I want all the rights to my sauce.

I've sold enough to buy it all back.

Paul, if you walk away from this
over a lunch menu,

you're making a huge mistake.

- Huge mistake.
- I know.

"Millions of dollars and becoming
a household name" and all that.

Well, guess what. Chef boyardee was
a rock star, but that's not me.

I would rather be broke and at home,
making omelets for my kids

than being a corporate sellout,
making soup for you two.

Chef boyardee was a real person?

You're not gonna, like, sue me for this,
are you? Please don't.

'Cause I don't...
I have so many children, and they're...

They're so expensive.

She knows.

Cool if I come by tomorrow
to help you unpack?

I don't know.

Calabasas to echo park is no joke.

You sure you're up
for a long-distance relationship?

- You think I'm scared of a little traffic?
- You should be.

I am. But you're worth it.

You're so corny.

Aw.

Okay, now you have to promise
that you're still gonna come around

- for our mommy playdates.
- Yeah.

Are you kidding me? Of course.

Wait, is, uh…

Is Anne gonna be there?

Oh, no.

She moved to Idaho for the diversity.

That tracks.

- Hey, Paul.
- Yeah?

I'm glad we're leaving, but I'm sorry
for being such a jerk to you about it.

You weren't being a jerk.

I appreciate everything you said.

You know, sometimes one of the most
loving things you can do for someone

is tell them a hard truth
that they really need to hear.

You suck at basketball.

Why would you lie

when I just gave you a lecture
about the truth?

So we moved out of calabasas
and back to vibrant la.

The kids went back to their old schools.

- Deja rejoined her old team…
- come on, deja!

…and got her scholarship to usc.

- Come on!
- She's so good.

Kate got a great guy
with four kids and nine birds.

And dom got a cool new girlfriend
with two dogs and very healthy boundaries.

That's a little tight.

My house, baby.

What?

And we found the perfect home
for our perfectly imperfect family.

Wait, you guys, before we go in,
let's all take a selfie.

Here we go.

All right, baby, try this.

Mmm.

- Yum. What is that?
- Right? It's my latest invention.

It's a croissant soufflé.

I'm gonna call it a "croissant souff-hey."

Dad, stop.

- Guys, that's so bad.
- All right, everybody.

Well, since you're all such critics,
what do you think of this?

- This is amazing.
- What is that?

- With a new label.
- It's us.

- Sit down.
- When did you get the time?

It's us. We look so cute.

- I'm on here?
- Of course you are.

- You're part of the family.
- That's so cool.

Dude, this is dope.

There's two of me.

- One of them is me.
- There's two of us?

All right,
who wants some more croissant souff-hey?

- Right? That's what it is.
- Now you guys like it?

So I didn't get my franchise,
but I got something better.

I got my family

and a life that's the perfect size
for all of our dreams.

And at the end of the day,
there is no sweeter dream than that.

♪ 'Cause there's nothing without you ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ it's my bottom to the top
me and my crew ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ sitting on the edge of the world
can't hate this view ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ they could give me the universe
but nah, I'm cool ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ 'cause there's nothing without you ♪

♪ we're in this together
in a better place ♪

♪ going through the broken
parts of yesterday ♪

♪ oh, going out together
living the dream ♪

♪ but none of this means anything
unless you are here with me, oh ♪

- ♪ playing on the list ♪
- ♪ girl, I ain't coming ♪

- ♪ dime for the song ♪
- ♪ so, honey, keep your money ♪

♪ if I had everything under the sun ♪

- ♪ means nothing without you ♪
- ♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ it's my bottom to the top
me and my crew ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ sitting on the edge of the world
can't hate this view ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ they could give me the universe
but nah, I'm cool ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ 'cause there's nothing without you ♪

♪ forever and ever
yeah, we're in it for life ♪

♪ constantly evolving
gimme space to get it right ♪

♪ no, nobody's perfect
sometimes we'll disagree ♪

♪ but it'll all go right
I'll be by your side ♪

♪ you're rockin' with me, oh ♪

- ♪ playing on the list ♪
- ♪ girl, I ain't coming ♪

- ♪ dime for the song ♪
- ♪ so, honey, keep your money ♪

♪ if I had everything under the sun ♪

- ♪ means nothing without you ♪
- ♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ it's my bottom to the top
me and my crew ♪

♪ me and you ♪

♪ sitting on the edge of the world
can't hate this view ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ they could give me the universe
but nah, I'm cool ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ 'cause there's nothing without you ♪

♪ my family win it
and really, this the beginning ♪

♪ we level up, and no sooner
we speak the truth, no hard feelings ♪

♪ we ride hard for each other
working bread, extra butter ♪

♪ we fit in perfect together
from here it only gets better ♪

♪ if I had everything under the sun ♪

- ♪ it would mean nothing ♪
- ♪ nothing ♪

- ♪ without you ♪
- ♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ it's my bottom to the top
me and my crew ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ sitting on the edge of the world
can't hate this view ♪

♪ no ♪

♪ they could give me the universe
but nah, I'm cool ♪

- ♪ 'cause there's nothing without you ♪
- ♪ nothing without you ♪