01x03 - NTHLAW1

[bunniefuu]

[BLONDE GIRL] Oh, my God.

[SIGHS] That's hot.

If my mom weren't such a
stupid bitch, I'd do it, too.

At least she's good for one thing.

[GASPS] No way.

Oh, my God, I've been
dying for a ciggy all day.

Me, too.

I heard Gwyneth Paltrow
smokes, like, two packs a day.

Oh, my God.

[YOUNG STONE] Hello, there, ladies.

I saw that.

[LAUGHING] I get it.

You wanna be adults,
and that makes sense,

two beautiful young women.

[GROANS] Sketchy much?

No, I was just giving you a compliment.

[BIANCA] Okay, perv,

you're old enough to be my dad.

[LAUGHING] Eww.

And you're old enough to know the law.

Now, give me the cigarettes,
and I'll forget about this.

Or what? You'll arrest us?

I mean, you're just some mall cop.

No, I'm-I'm-I'm a
member of the Topeka P.D.

[GIGGLING] Oh, ooh.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm calling my mom.

She's a lawyer.

I thought she didn't pass the bar.

Shut up, Bianca.

What the hell?

I knew I should've gotten a Razr.

[BOY] What the f*ck? What's going on?

["STEAL MY SUNSHINE" BY LEN PLAYING]

- [BOY] Free money!
- Oh, my God.

[MAN] Oh, hell, yeah!

[WHISTLING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ I know it's up for me ♪

♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪

♪ Making sure I'm not in too deep ♪

♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪

♪ Keeping versed and on my feet ♪

♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪

- [GRUNTING]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

That's for not doing what you're told.

Yeah, follow directions!

Why don't you stay in the car?

[GROANS]

[GROANING CONTINUES]

Strip 'em and zip 'em.

[GROANS]

I'm gonna take your jacket off, okay?

I'll give it back to
you when we're all done.

And your gloves, too, actually.

Stu, you don't have to explain.

- Just do it.
- Okay.

Let me know if it's too tight.

- Hands up, please.
- [MIKE] Stop saying, "Please."

- [STU] Okay, sorry.
- Hey, there.

Oh, yeah, that wound
is still fresh, huh?

Hmm... [SNIFFS]

Tell me, tough guy,
this your main squeeze,

or is this some sort of
transactional arrangement?

[LAUGHING]

Send 'em down the purple line.

[MIKE] You got it, boss.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, my God. It's a DMV.

- A what?
- [CLERK] You have been detained

for driving without
an open road license.

You will now be issued a license.

If you decline, you
will walk the red line.

If you are caught driving
without a license again,

you will walk the red line.

What's down the red line?

[MAN] No, no, wait! [SCREAMING]

Cool, screams.

[CLEARS THROAT] Take 'em away.

Have fun, losers.

[LAUGHING]

Just to be clear, I f*cking hate you.

Same.

♪♪

Open, you stupid trunk. Damn.

Cocoa butter?

Mike, you ever tried cocoa butter?

- [MIKE] Tried it?
- Ugh.

[GRUNTING]

[MIKE] Come on. Just f*ckin'...

Come on.

Hey, do-do you think Agent
Stone is kinda intense?

I do not like it when he smiles.

Shepard already gave me
the lowdown on Stone, okay?

He's a legit hero.

Get this, when the fall happened, right,

this t*rror1st group took
over this man's hometown.

This guy stepped up himself

and single handedly
annihilated everybody

with extreme prejudice.

[LAUGHING] Extreme prejudice, cool.

f*ck.

Man, you need to fix this sh*t.

[SHEPARD] Yoo-hoo, Mikey-Mike.

Mmm, what's up?

I really love the way you
tased that twat like...

Ahh! [LAUGHING]

Uh-oh. Speaking of twats...

What you got there, big guy?

You know, you-you can just call me Stu,

and it's trash.

Well, you know, uh,

as Stone says, one man's trash is a...

Is what?

Oh, g*dd*mn.

[GRUNTING]

Hey, how'd you know that
old ratty cop out there,

Shepard or whatever?

So, we're back to this now?

Fine, I can play the quiet game, too.

W-why won't you talk?

Why won't you talk? Why won't you talk?

- Why won't you talk?
- Why do you talk so much?

Look, this mouth has gotten me out
of a lotta sticky situations.

- Eww.
- Not like that.

I mean, that happened, too. [CHUCKLING]

Look, out here, silence
can get you k*lled.

- Silence has kept me alive.
- Oh, yeah?

So, why'd you tell that
cop to eat your ass?

[DOOR OPENING, FOOTSTEPS]

[STONE] Well, hello.

It's a mystery how our
paths just keep crossing.

My men say that you have
a darling little voice.

I'm excited to hear
what comes out of it.

Go ahead, drink up.

Where we're sitting,

there once flowed a powerful river.

Then they built this
architectural marvel.

My father used to bring me here
for the tour when I was a child.

The tour was a bit dry.

[SHEPARD] Ha!

Just a little dam humor for ya.

But now, the roads have
all become wild rivers,

so I'm building my own
blockade, a dam, if you will.

It runs from Southern Arizona

all the way to the Canadian wastes,

but the only way through...

is here.

Wow, cool story.

There's been a
misunderstanding, all right?

I'm not a criminal.

I'm a milkman on a delivery.

Now I know you got a beef with the girl.

Pfft, that ain't got
nothin' to do with me, right?

I don't give a f*ck about your delivery.

What I do give a f*ck about,

is how you would happen to have this.

I have spent decades building
outposts and checkpoints,

but this map manages to
avoid damn near every one.

I want the name of your cartographer.

My carta-ta... my what?

Your mapmaker.

Oh, no, man. I found that on
the side of the road, dude.

Come on. You want it, take it.

You really think I'm that stupid?

No. No, no, no, no, no, not at all.

I know how this world works, officer.

A little respect, I appreciate that,

but for the record, it's Agent.

Even better, Agent, uh, Stone.

I didn't know this map
avoided your routes.

I did not know.

Now, I do know.

So, how about I get
one of those licenses

I keep hearing so much about,

and I go on my merry way?

[SPITS] Whoa!

Why'd you do that?

[SIGHS]

Oh, that was unnecessary. [GRUNTS]

Couldn't even do it yourself.

We'll revisit that
attitude in a few hours.

Can't wait.

♪♪

Get the name of the mapmaker.

One leak could bring the whole dam down.

[DISTANT g*nf*re, SIRENS]

Come on, come on, hurry.

[MAN] Let's go. Get in back.

[MAN] Don't matter if it's legal.

That's the last one.

Hey, neighbor, need some help?

[YOUNG STONE] Thanks, Margie.

How are you and Rick holding up?

Oh, it's scary out there.

Looters hit us the other day.

We went to the station for help, but...

The station b*rned down.

Yeah, bastards torched it on Tuesday.

- It's every man for himself.
- [g*n COCKING]

Margie, what are you doing?

Rick, get in here!

[PANTING]

Get the g*n.

Sorry, bro.

Check the back for his r*fles.

Check the cabinets, too!

[RICK] Ain't nothing
back here but "Juggs!"

Of what? Of-of water?

[RICK] No, like the magazine,

two Gs, big boob p*rn.

Of course, Officer Stone
is into big titties.

Pig.

I got 'em. Let's jet.

Why are you guys doing this?

Like you said, every man for himself.

We're getting out of this
city before it all goes up,

and you've always been
kind of an assh*le.

Go.

[GRUNTS]

Later, Officer.

While I give you points
for velocity and precision,

spit washing his face
was a stupid f*ckin' idea.

I was this close to
talking us outta here.

Why did you do that?

Why didn't you tell him
who made your shitty map?

That's none of your business.

Oh, look at that. You
answer your own questions.

Yo, you're a pain in my ass.

- Oh, blow me.
- You wish.

Pfft, not likely.

- Prick.
- assh*le.

Stone is really counting
on us to get this info, man.

So, we can't f*ck this up, Stu.

You say that like I'm gonna f*ck it up.

All I'm saying is, we
gotta go hard, okay?

Put your game face on.

Now what's our motto?

Big, swinging...

- We got big swinging dicks.
- Swinging dicks.

That's right, and we're
in m*therf*cking charge.

- f*ck you.
- f*ck you.

What the f*ck is that?

It's American sign
language for big balls.

♪♪

Y'all got saws and sh*t
in there to t*rture us?

Tell us who made that map,

and you'll never need to find out.

Ooh, you do this a lot.

♪♪

Fill out these forms in triplicate.

That's scary.

Oh, it will be.

Yeah, it will be.

So, what if I don't know my DOB?

- It means date of birth.
- [JOHN DOE] Okay.

So, what if I don't know that either?

Turn it on.

♪ I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ Life in plastic it's fantastic ♪

You're lucky I love this song!

Not for long.

♪ You can brush my hair
undress me everywhere ♪

Louder!

- Ahh!
- ♪ Imagination ♪

♪ Life is your creation ♪

♪ Come on Barbie let's go party ♪

- ♪ I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world ♪
- Get writing!

♪ Life in plastic it's fantastic ♪

[JOHN DOE] Why is the pencil so small?

That's all we got! Keep writing!

N-P-X-T-Z.

Now, you.

F-U-C-K-U.

Eyes look a little dry, don't they?

Aww, come on, man. Ahh!

No, no, no, no! Oh, God!

Sorry. Oh, my God. Ugh!

[SCREAMING]

♪ You can touch you can play ♪

♪ If you say I'm always yours ♪

♪ I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪

Give us the mapmaker or meet yours.

[JOHN DOE] Wait, did you mean

you wanna meet the
mapmaker or meet your maker?

[LAUGHING]

That would have been a cool line,

but you f*cked it up, player.

[LAUGHING]

No! No! [SCREAMING]

♪ Make me walk make me talk
do whatever you please ♪

♪ I can act like a star ♪

♪ I can beg on my knees ♪

♪ Come jump in bimbo friend ♪

♪ Let us do it again ♪

♪ Hit the town fool
around let's go party ♪

♪ You can touch ♪

[STEREO CLICKING, SIGHS]

[STONE] That used to be
my jam back in the day.

So, you have anything
you'd like to share?

Yeah.

I've known the mapmaker for a long time.

He's probably the only person on
this earth that I really trust.

That's why I'll never tell you his name.

You can give me ,
more forms to fill out.

They're fun.

I guess we're just
gonna have to send you

down the red line then.

And you, you must be thrilled.

You get to hug your brother, again.

[EXHALES]

To think that he took a b*llet for you,

and you just threw it away.

Shame.

Take 'em away.

I'll find you.

Oh, yeah? Where?

In the afterlife?

Spooky.

[MAN] Let's go.

Listen, if there's more maps out there,

we could be compromised.

- Want me to head to HQ?
- No.

I'll handle it myself.

♪♪

[CRYING]

[KNOCKING]

Officer, are you in here?

I saw your police car
out in the driveway.

I cannot help you.

These guys, these -these t*rrorists,

they threw me out of my restaurant.

Don't you get it? The world is over.

That's why we need you.

Too bad... I thought you were a cop.

♪♪

[BEEP]

[PA SPEAKER] B ... that's B .

[SCREAMING]

Guess I'm not gonna finish this job.

[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

So, Stone k*lled your brother, huh?

You know, sometimes it's
okay to shut the f*ck up.

I was just... you know what?

Never mind, assh*le.

Stone...

He made my brother...

He made him sh**t himself.

That's messed up.

Was he your only family?

You know, I had a family, too.

What a stunning admission.

If you let me finish...

I was gonna say I don't remember them.

Like, my memory is not that good.

And no matter how hard I
try, I can't remember 'em.

I can't see their faces.

So, you were lucky to have as much time

with your brother as you did.

'Cause all I have is a
burnt photo and feelings.

Wow. That is supremely f*cked.

[JOHN DOE] Yeah, I know.

That's why this delivery
job for New San Francisco...

it was supposed to help
me get it back, you know.

I mean, not the family, but...

the feeling,

being a part of somethin'.

[BEEP]

[COUGHS]

[PA SPEAKER] B ... that's B .

Maybe we should try and
k*ll each other right here

for old times sakes.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, bud, you're up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

You, do it.

- I'll handle these douche nozzles.
- Mm-hmm.

♪♪

Hey, listen, Stu. It's Stu, right?

I mean, or you go by Stuart?

Like, what is your... what do you go by?

- Sh-shut up.
- My bad, big man.

Big man? Go f*ck yourself!

You don't think I know
what "big man" means

or, uh, "papa bear", or "boss,"

or "Plus Size Polly,"

or "Big-titted Timmy,"

or, "Hey, you know
what who you look like?"

Oh, let me guess, f*ckin' Bruce Vilanch.

I get it. I'm not petite, okay?

So, don't patronize me.

How would you like to
be called, uh, uh...

how are you so g*dd*mn good-lookin'?

I mean, his breath smells like sh*t.

- Why would you even say that?
- Oh, God,

I can smell it from here.

Oh, sh*t.

[STU] Open it.

Open it. Go on.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, it's so high! It's so high!

It's so high! Oh, God,
I f*ckin' hate heights!

Yeah, I hate f*ckin' hate dyin'!

Hey, look, we're not gonna jump, man.

And I'm not negotiating.

This is where the red line ends.

Look, Stu, your friend has a cold heart,

but I see you, Stu.

You're not that guy. You're a good guy.

Either you jump, or you fall.

Then go ahead and f*ckin' sh**t us!

We're not gonna do your job.

Go ahead. Fire away!

Blow our f*ckin' heads off!

Stone played this game
with me and my brother, Stu.

It's about power!

You wanna feel that power?
You wanna be like Stone?

Then go ahead. sh**t us.

But you have to finish the job!

- [JOHN DOE] Do it!
- [QUIET] Come on, do it!

- Do it!
- Do it!

If I don't k*ll you, I'm dead.

Not if you're in the car

speeding your ass
outta here with us, Stu.

f*ck.

♪♪

You gonna get a commemorative t-shirt?

I thought you were more
of a snow globe guy.

- Do you ever stop talking?
- No.

Come on. Yeah, okay.

Keys, keys, keys, right here.

Here we go.

- What do your keys look like?
- [JOHN DOE] Keys.

[STU] Okay, how many
ridges are on them or teeth?

[JOHN DOE] They look like keys.
I don't know. It's-it's a key.

[STU] Please be more
specific. I don't know keys.

I'm not a locksmith or a keymaster.

Got it.

- Where'd your friend go?
- g*dd*mn it, Quiet.

f*ck it. We gotta leave her.

♪♪

The t*rrorists are in there?

Yeah, and they're armed.

[OFFICER STONE] I'll handle this.

[PANTING]

[THUNDER]

♪♪

♪♪

[MAN] Shh, be quiet.

[CHILD] Why?

[WOMAN] Hey, come on,
honey. Come over here.

[MAN] Hey, who's out there?

Freeze in the name of the law!

Wait, you are the t*rrorists?

- Officer?
- We had nowhere else to go.

The grocery stores were all looted.

We only came here to get
food for our families,

and then the owner freaked out.

There's enough snake-sketti
and coconut shrimp here

to feed hundreds of people.

Look, lots of people are
struggling, right now,

but hunger is not an
excuse to break the law.

- Leave now.
- Wait, I know you.

I see him around here all the time.

This dude is a f*cking rent-a-cop.

Uh, the mall is part of my patrol.

- I'm a real cop.
- You don't act like one.

Tellin' folks not to double park.

Sweating little kids stealing candy.

That make you feel like
a big, powerful man?

I need you to vacate
the premises, please.

"Vacate the premises, please."

[LAUGHTER]

Look at you trying to look tough.

That uniform barely has a crease in it.

Shoes still shiny.

How is a pathetic, worthless,
pencil d*ck of a mall cop...

[g*nf*re]

[g*n CLICKING]

I told you! I am a man of the law!

Oh, no.

[HYPERVENTILATING]

You did this! I was here to help!

You had to resist! This is your fault!

You broke the law!

♪♪

[RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING]

[GRUNTING]

[MOANING]

Oh, sh*t! Sorry, boss.

I thought you were already headed to HQ.

Where is Stone?

I got two stones for you, right here.

Oh, are we flirting now?

[LAUGHING]

More like pebbles.

I remember what your fuckhead boss said

about how if someone tells your story,

it lives on forever.

You'll be remembered as the guy
who d*ed with his d*ck in his hand.

[SCREAMING]

♪♪

[SCREAMING]

What the f*ck did you do, Stu?

The prisoners are loose.

[QUIET] HQ.

Oh, Ev.

Oh, what did they do to
your beautiful body, baby?

f*ck. Damn it!

Come on, baby.

[SIRENS]

Which one of you assholes
left the dome light on?

Uh, who was in the car last?

- Uh, uh...
- Get out and push!

Okay. Wasn't me.

[GROANING]

Go! I got it!

[GROANING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

Stu, you're my hero!

We couldn't have did it without you!

- He's not here.
- I gotta fix that trunk.

- Should we go back and get him?
- Are you sh1tting me?

You're right.

Jello, Stu.

[LAUGHING]

♪♪

[GROANING]

Mike, they overpowered me.

If you ain't with us, you're against us.

[JOHN DOE] Did they really
have to strip all your g*ns?

That's just mean.

- They take everything?
- Yeah, no weapons,

which means I'm gonna
be clinching my cheeks

all the way to New Chicago.

Aww, man, they took my cocoa butter.

Now, I'm gonna be ashy, too.

Look, I need to make up some time,

so is there any way I can drop you

between here and New Chicago?

Yeah, there is.

Growing up, my brother,
he used to tell me

about how before the fall,

people lived in cities
without walls, without fear.

We were trying to get
to a place like that.

Well, I'm sorry to break
the news to you, sister,

but all those cities are gone.

No, not all of them.

There's a sanctuary city in the Midwest.

That's where we were headed before...

things got f*cked.

Well, does this sanctuary
city have a name?

HQ. Topeka.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪