22x08 - Blunder Boys

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILING]

That's a police car.

Half the time it's our
home and our office.

The three of us
work together. We're cops.

I'm Halliday.

I'm Terriday.

I'm St. Patrick's Day.
Heh-heh-heh.

When we started out,
I never thought

we'd be three fingers
on the arm of the law.

I'm the first finger.

I'm the second finger.

[SOBBING]
I'm the hangnail.

Quiet, mongoose.

He always interrupts.

These are the facts.
Nothing but the facts.

It happened several years ago.

At that time,
we were in the Army

right in the midst
of a rough, tough battle.

We were surrounded,
fighting for our lives.

We were fighting
a rear-guard action.

It was the only action
we knew how to fight.

[g*nf*re NEARBY]

My r*fle's jammed!

Hey, fellas, we gotta knock out
that machine g*n nest.

They got us pinned down.

I'm hungry.
You carry on without me.

[SIGHS]

[a*tillery FIRES]

Gotta knock out
the machine g*n nest.

[g*nf*re AND EXPLOSIONS]

Oh!

Gotta eat an apple.
I'm hungry.

An apple.

[LOUD CRUNCH]
Ugh!

Too soft.

Gotta knock out the machine g*n.

Oh, another apple.

Ooh, too hard.

[expl*si*n]

It's rainin'!

Just my luck.

He did it! Come on!

Oh, boy, you did it.
You did it.

Larry, old boy, you knocked
the machine g*n nest out cold,

single-handed.
You're a hero.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

You'll be promoted for this.

Hey, what are we doing out here?

A guy can get k*lled!
Run for your life!

[♪♪♪]

I'm Halliday.

I'm Terriday.

I'm Groundhog Day.

[CHUCKLES]

When we got out of the Army,
we decided to go to college.

We were natural-born detectives,

so we took up the study
of criminology.

I see you've decided
to major in criminology.

That's right, ma'am.
All we want is the facts.

We chose criminology
because it's scientific.

Indeed.

In the lexicon of crime,

it is theoretically propounded
that passion, inhibition,

and delinquency are the
major contributing factors.

Not to mention corruption
of mind, detestations,

and schizophrenia,
if I may be so sesquipedalian.

A jerk with a quirk
may do the work.

Or, a turk with a dirk
may stick a clerk.

Good desoc?

Very periphrastic.

Viva.
Viva. Viva.

Viva.
Viva, good.

Good, good.

Viva.
Viva.

Viva.
MOE: Viva.

Gentlemen,

the registration fee
will be $ each.

Ooh.
Coming right up.

There you are.

There you are.

And there you are.

Here's a transfer.

That's in case I wanna
transfer into another class.

[CHUCKLES]
Quiet, titmouse.

[HONK]
Ooh!

Thank you, gentlemen.

By the way, I conduct
some of the classes

in criminology myself.

I think you'll find it
very interesting.

I'm interested already.

SHEMP:
Me too.

Eep eep eep eep eep
eep eep eep eep eep...

Pardon me, gentlemen.
I'll be right back.

[WHISTLING]
Whoo, whoo...

Hey!
BOTH: Ow, ow, ow!

MOE:
I told you to lay off.

The next time you do that,

I'll whack you right
in the head like that.

Leave him alone.
Stay out of it.

LARRY:
A burglar.

Nail him!

[GASPS]

Drop that money.
Put that dough down.

What in the world are you doing?

I told you we were
natural-born detectives.

We caught this crook
robbing you.

You fools!

He's my father,
the dean of this college.

[GASPS]

Don't you two imbeciles
know a gentleman

when you see one?
BOTH: Oh!

See that?
Oh...

Ow! See that?

Oh! See that? Oh!

Now, you guys prepare for C.

Not that! Not that!
C, no.

C! Go!

[BOTH GROANING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh. I'm Halliday.

I'm Terriday.

I'm New Year's Day.

[HORN HONKING]

[CLATTERING]

By this time,

we were well along
with our criminology studies.

One day we were receiving
private instructions

from Alma Matter.

In placing handcuffs
on a criminal,

it must be done quickly,
the speed being in the wrist.

I'll show you.

I have to leave early today,

and I want you boys
to practice for about an hour.

And I'll see you in the morning.

Bye, teacher.

All right.
Come on, let's get started.

Hold still.

Let me try it.

[CHUCKLES]

Do it to me.

Sure, I'll do it to you.
Beep!

There.
Good.

Now let's open 'em up
and try it again.

Give me the key.

She forgot to give us the key!

Hey, hey!

Hey, she ain't comin' back
till tomorrow morning.

How do you like that?

Well, we gotta get out of here.
Wait a minute. I know...

[ALL CHATTERING]

Wait. Wait. Wait.
I know. I know. I know.

Down, fellas. Down, boy.
That's it.

Now I get through this way.

Wait! Wait a minute now.
Down!

That's it.
That's it.

Okay.

Oh no, that's not it.

[ALL GRUMBLING]

Come on, get down out of here.

[GROANS]

Oh! Eh. Mm.

Aah! Oh!
It's my own leg. Oh!

Get me out of this here.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Hey, come on.
Get up out of here.

Get up. Come on.

Hey, I got an idea.
Follow me.

Go on.
Get that ax, butcher.

SHEMP:
All right.

Bring it over here
and chop this handcuff.

All right.
One, two...

Oh! Oh!
A dog bit me!

[GROANING]

Oh, get around here.
I'll do it. Come on.

Put it right down here.
All right.

[GROANING]

This cockeyed ax.

I'll get this...

Quit your yanking, you!

[SHEMP GRUNTS]

Whoa!

[SHEMP SCREAMING]

What's the matter?

I'm stuck. But get away!
Get away! I'm stuck.

Take it easy.

Oh, oh, oh, ohh!

Now I'll have to eat
standing up.

[♪♪♪]

I'm Halliday.

I'm Terriday.

I'm Christmas Day.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle bells ♪

Oh!

I'll tell Santa Claus on you.

Well, we finished our courses
in criminology.

And we graduated.

With the lowest possible honors.

Now we were ready
for our first case.

Yep, our first case.

Make mine gin.

Make mine champagne.
Yum, yum.

Ooh!
Ooh!

Boys, I want you
to pay strict attention.

ALL:
Yes, yes.

There's a robber
by the name of the Eel.

A slippery cuss.
ALL: Yes, yes.

He masquerades as a woman,

but he smokes cigars.

ALL:
Yes, yes.

We have a tip
he's going to hold up

the Biltless Hotel tonight.

Stake out and get him.

ALL:
Yes, yes.

If you fail, you're through.

ALL:
Yes, yes.

No, no, we'll get him.

The only clue we have
is this cigar butt.

That's his brand.
Now get busy.

Let's examine this cigar.
Shemp, what does it say?

L-A-S-T.
Last.

I-N. In.

K-A-D-O-R-A.
Kadora.

"Last in Kadora."

Let me see that.

No, no, you nitwit.

It's La Stinkadora.

Come on, bloodhound,
you gotta track him down.

Use your nose.
Here, smell it.

[SNIFFS]

Got it?

And how.

Wait a minute.

Come on, over here
and get started.

[SNORING]
[WHISTLES]

Eep eep eep eep eep...

[SNORING]
[WHISTLING]

Eep eep eep eep eep...

[SNORING]
[WHISTLING]

Eep eep eep eep eep...

[ALARM RINGING]

Hey, there he is!
Get him!

Oh, a drumstick.
Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, imbecile.
Oh, that's me.

What's that?
A drumstick.

Oh.

Come on, let's get him.
Come on, out.

[♪♪♪]

I'm Halliday.

I'm Terriday.

I'm Independence Day.

Fooled you, didn't I?
Ha-ha-ha!

[expl*si*n]

Fooled me too.

[WHIMPERING]

That Eel was a slippery one.

We trailed him
to a room upstairs.

We pushed the door open
and rushed in.

Come out!
Come out!

Wherever you are.
Get 'em!

Now put your g*ns in there.
Get 'em in there.

And don't make any phony moves,
or I'll blow your brains out.

I'll be watching you
all the time.

[RATTLING NOISE]

Hey, somebody's rattling dice.

Oh, that's my knees.

MOE:
Go ahead. Get going!

He's in here someplace.

Look around.
See what you can find.

Yes, sir.

Woo, woo, woo, woo!

Oh, boy, I found something.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

Come here.
Why don't you cut it out?

[HONK]
Oh!

Hey, let's look in there.

Well, I guess
he didn't come in here.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Fine kettle of fish.
We're in a ladies' Turkish bath.

Well, when in Rome,
do as the Romans do.

Use these sheets.
We'll disguise as girls.

Lipstick.
That's perfect.

[FALSETTO]
Moella, shall we
take a sunbath?

[FALSETTO]
No, Larrietta,
let us take a scramola.

[FALSETTO]
Not me.

I want to linger
with the rest of the girls.

You dear, you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Stooge!
What?

What's the matter with you?
[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Uh-uh.

Mrs. Carr?
No, uh...

[FALSETTO]
Yes, darling.

I've been expecting you.

You're just in time
for your appointment.

Now sit right down here,

and we'll get the mud pack
right on.

I love your bangs.

Thank you, darling.

[GULPS]

[MOE SCREAMING]

Now...
[SCREAMING]

[CAR HORNS HONK BELOW]

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, boy, a safety belt.

Strap it. Ah.

I better get out of here.

[GRUNTING]

Hello, I...

[GASPS]

All right, copper.
Move it over there.

Get over there.
Get up on that horse.

I ain't never been on a horse...

Get on that horse!
Don't give me any lip!

Now, brother,
you're goin' for a ride!

There you go!

Get me off! Get me off!
[LAUGHING]

Moe, help!

I gotta stop this somehow.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[GROANING]

Well, that Eel was slippery.

We didn't get him,
but we got the gate.

By the way, I'm Halliday.

I'm Terriday.

I'm Labor Day.

And with us, now
every day is Labor Day.

Okay, then let's labor.

Ow!

Why, you...

Stand still here, you.

[CLANGING]

[♪♪♪]