23x01 - Husbands Beware (1956)

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

LARRY & MOE:
I do.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Congratulations.
And now if you'll excuse me,

I have to hurry to testify
at a divorce. Goodbye.

ALL:
Bye.

We'll never forget you, boy.
If it wasn't for you,

we'd have never married
your sisters.

So I'm a cupid. Anyway, better
you should support them than I.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, now for
our nuptial kiss.

[BOTH GRUNT]

What's the idea?

That's just
to show you

who's gonna be
boss around here.

MOE: Now what the--
Wait a minute.

Now get out in the kitchen
and roast the turkey.

Yes, and make some
hot muffins and coffee.

Wait a minute!
We don't know how to cook.

It's time
you learn.

That's what husbands
are for.

Now get going!

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute! Oh!

[BOTH GRUNT]

But, girls, I didn't--

BOTH:
Shut up!

Well, go on, pick
the feathers off that turkey

while I study
how to cook it.

Oh!

Why you...

Wait a minute, Moe.

Ow!

Do I look like
Davy Crockett?

Ah, come on.
Peel that turkey.

Ooh!

There must be
an easier way

to get the feathers
off that turkey.

I got an idea,
wait here.

[GRUNTS]

Once over lightly.
Right, sir.

Hey.

MOE:
I better get busy
with this turkey.

Gee, fellas, I didn't know
my sisters are so mean.

To prove it,
I'll help you.

Yeah? Well get over there and
make some muffins and coffee.

Go ahead.
All right.

I'll get back
to business here.

Uh-oh.
Poor turkey, I cut it.

Wait a minute
I'll get a styptic pencil.

Watch your step-tic.

[HUMMING]

Let's see, now.
Muffins, muffins, muffins.

"Three spoons
of flour."

One,

two,

three.

Uh, "add one egg.

"Now add some milk.

Now, a pinch of
baking powder."

No, spoon of
baking powder.

Oh, I'll make it rich.

"Now mix well."

Please,
make like this.

Thank you.

There we are.

Got the aftershave
lotion?

Right-o.

Ah.
Powder.

[HUMMING]

See you later, fellas.

See, in order
to brown a turkey,

you paint it
with salad oil.

Salad oil,
let's see.

Maybe it's in here.

No.

Salad oil.

Well.

There we are.

Rub him down, kid.

There we are.

Okay.

There we are,
let's go.

Open up the stove,
boy.

Open that door.

It's already lit.

Now we'll roast it.

That bird will be
out of this world.

Yeah, it's too good for
those elephants we married.

Hey, it's on fire.
Do something.

Step aside.

[SIGHS]

Good work, kid.

Ah,
delicious turkey.

Nice, hot muffins.

And I made
them myself.

[CRUNCHING]

[CRUNCHES]

[SQUEAK]

Oh, that's that cheap
modern furniture.

[CHUCKLES]

[GULPS]

[GROANS]

[COUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Soap.

Trying to poison us,
eh?

You, you no good--
Wait a second. It wasn't--

[MOE & LARRY GRUNTING]
Poison us, will you?

Whoa!

Look, girls,
I can explain--

You too!
What do you--?

Marry us to
those no goods.

What do you
want from me?

Get out of our house!

Oh, boy, if that's
married life,

I don't want any part of it.
I'll never get married.

But you hooked us,
you rat.

and we'll get
even with you.

Hey, wait a minute, Shemp.
We gotta give a music lesson.

Oh, yeah.

[PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

[SINGING MUSICAL SCALE]

[SINGING MUSICAL SCALE]

[PIANO MUSICAL SCALE]

[SINGING
HIGH-PITCHED NOTES]

[REPEATS HIGH-PITCHED NOTES]

[SINGING HIGH-PITCHED
NOTES]

[REPEATS HIGH-PITCHED NOTES]

[SINGING AND PLAYING
HIGH-PITCHED NOTES]

[SINGING
PIERCINGLY HIGH NOTES]

[SCREAMING NOTES]

[PIANO PLAYING MADLY]
Stop!

That's enough,
that's enough.

We've done enough
for today.

You might hurt your voice.
You know,

bend it, crack it or break it
or something.

Oh, professor,
you're so considerate.

Ha-ha-ha!
I'm just crazy about you.

Don't forget we've got
another lesson Tuesday.

Gargle with
old razor blades.

All right, professor. I know
you wouldn't want anything

to happen to my throat.

Except to have
somebody cut it.

How would you like to be
married to a dame like that?

Don't even say that.

Oh! I ought to--

You ought to what?

I ought to be
a little more careful.

Shut up and listen. Do you
remember your Uncle Caleb?

Do I?
Why, that old tightwad.

He'd steal flies
from a blind spider.

But Shemp he's a--
He's a louse and a weasel.

Yeah? Well, he just died
and left you , bucks.

Just like that
old skinflint.

[GASPS]

Five hundred
thousand bucks?

[SQUEALS]
But there's one little catch.

You get the dough,
provided you're married.

So wh-- Ah! Married? No.

No, fellas.
I'm gonna faint.

[GROANS]

Or...
Or what?

If you get married
within hours

of the reading of the will.
What time was that?

Six o'clock the night
before last.

You just got seven hours
to get yourself a bride.

It can't be done,
no woman is interested in me.

Maybe not, pal.
But if you look real hard

you might find one interested
in half a million bucks!

Maybe you got something.
Darn right.

Know any girls?
I got a lot of numbers

but I haven't
had much luck.

You can't get k*lled for trying.
Where's the phone?

There's a booth
down the hall.

Well, what are we
waiting for?

Down the hall.

Hello, is this Ginger Gray?

It is? Well this is
your little snuggums.

I'm about to do you
a big favor.

Ha-ha.
Will you marry me?

[LOUD THUD]
Oh.

Oh.

[GRUNTING]

Hey, any luck?

I got one phone number
and one nickel left.

Well, start using it.

You, clumsy ox, you.
Where'd that go?

It went down here
someplace.

MOE:
Well, let's find it.

Think it went over that side.

[BOTH TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

MOE: Take this receiver.
SHEMP: I got it, I got it.

All right, just take it.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
All right.

Get this out of my hair here.
All right.

MOE:
Wait a minute.
Easy, easy, easy.

Come on.

Easy, easy.
All right, all right.

Now wait a minute.
Can you dial from there?

No, can you?
Yeah.

[GROANING]

Wait a minute. Why don't you
come around like this?

Get up in this one.

How's that?
Well, it don't feel as good

as when I did...

this.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Take it easy.
Now, look.

We are making
no place fast.

Let's get at this thing
the right way!

Get this off.

[CRASHING]

How you doing?

Get your hand
out of my face.

That ain't my hand,
that's your hand.

All right,
you asked for it.

Ow!

Gotta get
out of this.

There isn't much time left.
You know that?

All right.

What happened?

That's what I wanna know.

Wait a minute.

Did you get
a load of that?

What dish.
I wonder who she is.

We'll soon find out.

Oh, boy?
Yes?

Who's the new dame?
A Miss Hopkins.

Miss Hopkins.
Did you hear that, kid?

And good-looking too.
Go get her, Shemp.

Heep-eep-eep!

Oh, wait a minute.

You can't propose to a girl
looking like that.

We gotta give you
the works. Come on.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Heep-eep-eep!

Come in.

Cousin Basil, oh!

I'm so happy
to see you.

I-I--
I just been dying to meet you.

Uh, I--

And you're even cuter than
Aunt Sadie said you were.

[KISSING NOISILY]

Oh, boy. Success.

Yeah,
listen to those kisses.

[KISSING NOISILY]

Cut it out.

Oh, you must be exhausted
after your long trip.

Sit down.

Let me look at you,
Cousin Basil.

Oh.
[PHONE RINGS]

Now, don't you go away.

Hello? Yes,
this is Miss Hopkins.

You're Cousin Basil?
Well, then who is...?

I was just--

How dare you pretend
to be my Cousin Basil?

I'll teach you
a thing or two,

you wolf!

Don't you dare
strike me!

Taking advantage of a poor,
weak, helpless woman!

You, you--
You horrible person, you!

[GRUNTS]

Get up. Here you are.

What happened, kid?

Can I help it
if I ain't Cousin Basil?

Oh, professor!
Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

All I wanted
to do was propose--

Propose?

Oh, professor,
this is so sudden.

You mean you'll
really marry him?

Oh, of course.
He's my little old dreamboat.

Your little dreamboat
is sailing. Whoo!

Wait a minute.
You're gonna sail away

from a half
a million bucks?

We only got
two hours left.

Come on, get going.

Say, here's the license. My pal
wants to get married in a rush.

Oh, splendid.
[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Who?

Mr. Howard?
Yes, he's here.

Hello? Yes. What?

How many of them?

Wow. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, thanks.

That was the clerk
at the apartment.

Those dames
you phoned this morning

found out about
the grand in the papers.

Come on, pal,
we gotta make this fast.

Have you got
the ring?

Why, certainly.

BENTON:
Join hands,
you love birds.

Uh-oh.
[WOMEN SHOUTING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

I waited a long time.

Wait a minute!
wait a minute!

Who is
this character?

BENTON: She's the bride.
Oh, yeah?

Not while
I got my strength.

Tell 'em. Didn't you
propose to me?

Yes, but I'm with--

Didn't you?
Yes, but you turned me down.

That was before I read
the papers. Now I accept.

Look at that.
We better do something fast.

Yeah.
[WOMEN SHOUTING]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's going on here?

[ALL SHOUTING]

MOE:
Ow! Ow!

Ladies! Ladies!

[WOMEN SHOUTING]

LARRY:
Ow!

[GRUNTING]

[WOMEN SHOUTING]

[SHEMP GROANS]

[WOMEN SHOUTING]

Oh, no, Justice, please.

Please. Hurry up.
Yes, yes, yes.

Hold the hands,
you love birds.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[GASPS]

Oh, my goodness.

[GROANING]

Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Wait a minute. You wouldn't
hit a lady with that?

Use this. It's bigger.

Oh, thanks.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[GASPS]
Oh!

Will you marry me?

Never.

[GROANING]

I'll lure 'em to sit down.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[BEEPING]

[SCREAMING]

Now what do you say?

I give up. I'll marry you.

[WOMEN SHOUTING]

[GASPS]

Oh, Mr. Benton,
please, please, hurry.

Hold hands,
you love birds.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

How are you?

What do you mean
how am I?

Congratulations,
both of you.

Oh, thank you.
Yes, yes.

We're married.

What happened?
You'll find out.

Well, wise guy,
your Uncle Caleb is not dead,

you don't have $ ,
but you are married.

Oh!
Yeah, now we're even.

Why, you no-good,
double-crossing rats.

Why you...
[LARRY & MOE GASP]

[BOTH GROANING]

[♪♪♪]