07x08 - Cookoo Cavaliers

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[HORN HONKING]

LARRY: Fresh fish!

[BLOWING HORN]

Fresh fish!

[BLOWING HORN]

Right from the ocean to you.

Nobody eating fish today?

[BLOWS HORN]

Hey, porcupine, stop the boat.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Nice, juicy, ripe, fresh fish.

Hey, fresh fish.

Fish.

Fish, fish.

[HONKS HORN]

Fish.

This is disgusting.

Ah, it's terrible.

It's all your fault,
pudding head.

If we hadn't listened to you--

You had it all figured out.

We catch our own fish and it
don't cost us nothing. Why...

And you nearly
talked us into buying ice

just to put on the fish.

CURLY: Aw, quit squawking

and let me peddle my fish.

Fresh fish! Fresh fish!

Seafood mama.

Fresh fish.

Here they are,
right off the ocean!

How do you do, madam?

Do you have a haddock?

No, I don't have no haddock,

but I get a little attack there
every time I eat too much.

What kind of a fish is that?

Tarpon.

Tarpon? That's a weakfish.

[SNIFFS]

Smells strong to me.

[WHINES] What's the use?

The first customer in a month,
and no sale.

[SNIFFS]

[SNARLS]

[BARKS]

What's the matter with him?

Tarpon monoxide.

Come on, get busy
and sell this fish.

Fresh fish! Fresh fish!

Fresh fish!

[HORNS HONK]

Fresh fish!

[LOUD HONKING]

What's the matter with you guys?

Hey, what kind of fish
have you got today?

[RHYTHMICALLY]:
We have rock cod, sea bass,

albacore, and pickerel,

sand dab, yellowtail,
tuna fish, and mackerel,

bluefish, sailfish,
carp and tarpon, if you wish,

swordfish, whitefish,
herring and gefilte fish.

♪ And that ain't all ♪
♪ And that ain't all ♪

Get away from me. Ooh!

Throw me up a mackerel.

A sale. A sale to a seal.

Let's throw them a fish.

Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah--

Retreat, it's a gas attack.

All quiet on the fish front.

One mackerel coming up.

Ouch!

Oh!

I've been maimed. [LAUGHS]

That settles it,

I'm getting out
of this business.

Business? We've been trying
to sell these fish for days

and haven't got rid of one.

You call that a business?

It's enough
to drive a man to drink.

Drink? That's it.

We're going into
the saloon business.

Saloon? Yeah, saloon.

S-E-L-U-N-E.

You don't even know how
to spell saloon.

Any sap knows you spell
saloon with a C.

Come on...

Oh. Hey.

Mm...

CURLY AND LARRY: Oh--! Oh--! Oh!

MOE: Come on.
[LARRY AND CURLY WHIMPERING]

Wait a minute.

"Garage cheap."

LARRY: Look at this:
"Cheap metal shop."

Interested in the good
business today, señores?

Yeah, we'd like to buy a saloon.

It's got to have class
and it's got to have beauty.

Oh, you want a beauty saloon.

I have the best one
in all Mexico.

And cheap too. Mexico?

Sí, just across the border
at Cucaracha.

One hour's drive from here.

Do they have B-girls?

Sí, sí.

"Sea" girls. Oh, boys, mermaids!

The thing with the brush
on the bottom-- Oh!

Can't you forget
the fish business?

How much do you want
for the saloon?

You give me $ ,
I'll give you the business.

We'll take it. Gracias. Come in.

Gracias. Oh, boys.

Mexico, here we come.

[SCATTING IN SPANISH-SOUNDING
JIBBERISH]

Come on.

[MAN SNORING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[CACKLING]

Oh, boy, our own business.

It's a beauty.

I can picture myself
serving behind the bar.

My first customers.

[GLASSES CLANK ON TABLE]

[ICE CLINKING IN GLASS]

Ooh!

[SOUND OF DRINKS BEING POURED]

[GULPS]

[GURGLES]

[SIGHS]

[DRINKING]

Get up out of there
and quit stalling.

Do your serving in there.

It's locked, and we have no key.

How are we gonna get in?

How should I know?
Use your head.

Let me see...

Where's the bar?

Where's the pretzels?

Where do they keep
the Mickey Finns?

Hey... What is this?

There's something wrong.

This ain't a saloon,
it's a beauty parlor.

Are we saps.

The guy said he was
gonna give us "the business."

He did, but you can't
blame me this time.

Nyah!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ooh!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's a lot of money in
making homely dames beautiful.

Yeah, but you gotta know how.

I saw a guy paint a car once
with a spraygun.

So what?

So you spray their nails
with paint

and call it a manicure.

Hey, I know how to bleach hair.

MOE: You do?

Certainly. My last wife
used to bleach her own.

It's a cinch. You take
a gallon of gasoline,

two tumblers
of bicarbonate of soda,

an ounce of iodine
and a pinch of mustard.

Oh, a pinch?

Mm-hm.

Ooh--! Ooh--! Ooh!

Go on, get busy.

We gotta clean up this joint.

Go on.

Hm, powder.

Fleur-de-skunky,
my favorite flavor.

[MOTOR WHIRS]

Ah-- Ah-- Ah--

[MOTOR STOPS]

I...

[LARRY LAUGHS]

Fleur-de-skunk!

[LAUGHS]

[SPITS]

I'm sorry, Moe.

I know, kid.
It was only an accident.

What's it say there?

Oh! Mm!

Wanna start a w*r, eh?

Now, wait a minute now, kid--

Mm-mm-mm. Wait--

Take it easy.

Do you surrender?

Yes, we surrender.
Well, that's much--

Oh! Get outta here, you!

What's the idea?

I'll tell you the idea.

Oh! Ow!

Get him good.

Put it down, put it down.

That's better.

Buenos dias, gentlemen.

Buenos dias.

I am Manuel Gonzales,

proprietor
of the Cantina de Rosa,

South American Way,
no cover charge anytime.

Glad to meet you.

Glad to meet me.

Gentlemen prefer the blonds,

and I want you to bleach
my chorus girls to blonds.

You're a cinch, mister.

Oh, I want you to meet Juanita,

Conchita,

Pepita

and Rosita.

They must be hungry,
they all end in "ita."

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[GIGGLES]

I don't get it.

[BARKS]

Mm...

[GIGGLING] Oh, nyuck, nyuck.

Haven't I met you
someplace before?

I know your face,
but I cannot put you.

What?

Oh, my English
is not so good-looking, no?

Your English is atrocious.

Oh, so sweet. Thank you, señor.

I--

I see I'm gonna get
no place with you fast.

Oh, no, I no go no place.

Oh, skip it, skip it.

[SIGHS]

Señor, can you make my hair
henna colored?

"Henna" color it all, kid.

[LAUGHS]

Mister, can you crop on all?

No, but I can sing.

[IMITATES OPERATIC SINGING]

No, no, no, you no understand.

I mean, can you finger-wave?

Oh, certainly.

I can also wiggle my ears.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

You will do the bleaches
for the girls?

When we get through with them,
you won't recognize them.

That's what I'm afraid of.
Keep your fears to yourself.

Don't forget la Cantina de Rosa.

Yeah, we know--

STOOGES:
South American Way,

no cover charge anytime.

Glad to meet me.

Adios. So long.

Goodbye. Skip the gutter.

Tootle-oo. Break a leg.

Go, will you?
We got bleaching to do.

Let's go.

Mm.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ooh!

This way.

[HUMS]

Just wait there.

You wait right in here
till we're ready for you.

Thank you, señor.

Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Oh!

Don't you dare.

Did anybody ever tell you
you had beautiful black eyes?

Get back there and get to work.

Park it, butch.

I want a facial,
a manicure and hair wave,

beside the bleach. Okey-dokey.

I think I'll take a nap.
If I fall asleep, don't wake me.

Just relax.

ROSITA: Change that
facial to a mud pack.

Hm!

What does she think I am,
a magician?

What does she mean
by a mud pack?

You heard that expression,
"Here's mud in your eye"?

Yeah. Well, go get some mud.

In her eye? No, your eye.

Ooh.

You put the curlers in her hair,
I'll manicure her nails,

and we'll bleach
the heads together.

What are you standing there for?

Hm, cactus.

[SIGHS]

[HUMS]

Hm.

[HUMS]

Mm!

Oh.

Glue.

[HUMMING]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Oof.

Mud.

Here's the mud.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Right.

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

Quiet, we know what we're doing,

it's a mud pack.

What's going on--? Oh, the mud.

Oh, well, that's something.

Lay down, lay down.

Look out!

Oh, quiet, will you?

What are you patting
on my hands?

What's the matter with you?

Here, go on,
finish the mud pack.

I'll take care of her manicure.

Go on.
I can do better without you.

Boy, I'll say
she needs a manicure.

Look at the length
of those nails.

What lunch hooks. Hold still.

[SPITS]

[SPITS]

[SPRITZING]

[PUFFING]

How you doing, Moe?

Why don't you tend
to your own business?

Ooh!

Why, you...

[GRUNTS]

Gimme that.

Get out of here. Mm!

Hey, you. That mud's dry.
Get it off.

Okay.

[GRUNTS]

[SPRITZING]

[GRUNTING]

Mm-mm!

[RIPPING NOISE]

Oh.

[RIPPING]

Oh!

BOTH: Oh!

Mm!

Step back.

[HAMMER CLINKING ON CHISEL]

Fore!

Oh!

If you had any brains,
I'd knock 'em out of you.

Put the chisel on that,
chiseler.

Yes, sir.

Oh--! Oh--!

[SPUTTERS]

Wait a minute.

Where's the gadget
that workman left here?

I'll get it. Hurry up.

This is it.
Now we're getting someplace.

[DRILLING]

It's all right. Try it.

[DRILLING]

Oh! Oh! Oh--!

Oh, look.

Now you've ruined the drill.

Where's the hammer? There it is.

Stand clear.

[LOUD BANG]

Ah.

Oh...

What's the matter with her?

Ungrateful.

Hey, you forgot your bleach.

Never mind her.
Get the other girls.

You get the bleach.

Nyuck, nyuck.

There we are.

Oh, hi, toots.

[POPPING AND SNAPPING]

Hey, you work on that chair.

I'll work where I please.

You will? Mm...

See that?

Ow! I'll m*rder you. Ooh.

CURLY: I'm sorry, Moe.
MOE: I'll m*rder you.

Cut it out, Moe!

Nyah!

Oh, you got the poochie all wet.

Aw, little poochie,
they got you all wet.

This stuff's too thick.
Get something to thin it out.

What'll I get?
Anything. Get something.

All right.

Always picking on me.
I'll bat your ears down.

Now you're doing something.

Oh! [PUFFS]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[WHOOSH] Hm.

[WHOOSH]

Hm.

[WHOOSHING]

CURLY: Hm!

[BLOWING]

[GRUMBLING]

Hey, Moe.
You're gonna be bleached.

So are you. Ooh!

MOE: Get busy.

[HUFFS HEAVILY]

Hot towel. Hot towel.

Hot towel coming up.

[SIZZLING]

CURLY AND MOE:
Hot towel, hot towel!

[SIZZLING] Hot towel!

Oh!

[TOWELS SIZZLING]
[WOMEN SQUEALING]

Now, take it easy,
it'll be all right.

Them pigs, I will sh**t them
so full of holes,

they will look like
the Swiss cheese.

Hey! For what you did
to my Rosita,

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Wait a minute, pal.

That was a mistake.

Wait'll you see
how we bleached these girls.

All right. I shall wait.

Ready, men?

Presto, chango, domino.

Ah, you pigs! [WOMEN SCREAM]

[g*nshots]

Boy, was that a narrow escape.

[WOMAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
[ALL SCREAM]

[g*nshots]

[♪]