01x03 - Like a Stoned-Ass Baby

[bunniefuu]

[DOLORES] And this is the other thing

that you got really wrong, okay?

'Cause you're up there just

snapping m*therf*ckers' necks

like it's nothing.

k*lling somebody is hard work.

That first one,

I didn't even know what I was doing yet.

But in that split second,

in my little spa basement,

staring into that man's eyes,

everything turns.

And we both know very, very clearly

that one of us is gonna have to die.

- [SNAPPING]

- [GROANING]

- [PANTING]

- Oh, f*ck!

[DOLORES] So, I got to

find the jugular, right?

'Cause choking's the breathing,

but strangulation is

blood flow to the brain.

That's way faster.

Tabitha taught me that, too.

Oh, sh*t.

He thinks he can win this.

[GRUNTING]

You think you're gonna f*cking win this?

- [GURGLING]

- That's right.

That's right, m*therf*cker.

[DOLORES] Like a pathetic little animal.

But I'm Dolores m*therf*cking Roach!

And I never had a sh*t, but I will be

the last g*dd*mn one in the room,

and not you or any f*cking body else

is ever gonna take

anything away from me,

ever again.

Ever again!

[SHOUTS]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, wow, this is really

a good quality table,

holding up two people like this,

with all this rocking and

[DOLORES PANTING]

♪

Mr. Pearlman?

Mr. Pearlman?

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

Mr. Pearlman?

[GASPS]

[SNIFFS, SIGHS]

[DOLORES] Mmm. This candle.

I almost want to light

another one, but, like,

I don't want to be too

indulgent, you know?

[SNIFFS]

[BACHATA MUSIC PLAYING OUTSIDE]

[SNIFFLING]

[DOLORES] Why did he make me do that?

Why'd he make me do that?

Why'd you make me do that?

Why'd you make me do it?

[SOBBING]

Oh

[MUTTERS]

[SOBBING]

[GRUNTING]

Come on, you

[GRUNTS]

Oh, God. What am I gonna do?

[MUTTERING]

Yeah, yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

[PANTING]

[LUIS] Yo, bro, one more thing.

Where'd he go?

What? He I-I He fell asleep.

Uh, when I was giving him a massage.

No, no, don't go down there!

Uh, the step broke,

so I don't want you to get hurt, um

Um, so I'm gonna go to the

store and buy some wood. Okay?

- Dolores. Dolores.

- [DOLORES] What?

- Uh, yeah?

- Come here.

Is everything okay in there?

Yeah, the situation is all good.

Because Luis gonna get himself

- evicted, or even worse

- I know, I agree, but it's handled,

it's over, you have a good night.

[MUTTERS]

Dolores!

[DOLORES] What have I done?

What the f*ck have I done?

♪

g*dd*mn it.

I got so many friends inside

who'd know what to do with a body.

All right. I'm gonna wrap him up,

I'm gonna bring him over to the river.

'Cause that's what the

river's there for, right?

sh*t. Maybe I got to cut him up first?

I never did this before.

[SNIFFS]

Or do I have to dissolve him?

Him or me. Survival of the fittest.

It was gonna be him or me.

[CLATTERING]

[JONNY BENAVIDEZ:

"LET'S GET TOGETHER" ♪]

Come on, get together ♪

Come on, get together ♪

Oh, people round the world ♪

Let's get together ♪

Get together ♪

All we need is peace and love ♪

Through any kind of weather ♪

Kind of weather ♪

It don't matter if you're white ♪

I'm gonna take this, too.

- Mm-hmm.

- [REGISTER BEEPING]

And-and

the balloons, all those balloons.

- These?

- Yeah, all of them.

Yeah, because it's,

it's like a It's for my super.

- [CASHIER] Mmm.

- It's a present.

- It's all a present.

- You paint?

- I do what? What?

- Paint. Your hands.

[REGISTER BEEPING]

Oh. Uh, yeah, that's I do, I-I paint.

I do paint, yeah.

[DOLORES] f*ck, I forgot gloves.

Luis has gloves.

My nephew loves to paint.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I got him some watercolors.

- But he thought it was candy.

- Mm-hmm.

He's five, but watercolors,

they're not that toxic for humans.

- No?

- So, he was fine.

- Uh-huh.

- Even though

he kept on putting

the brush in his mouth.

- Wow.

- But

- he's really creative.

- Mm-hmm.

- Look, I got to show you, I

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh.

Ah, mira eso. Yeah.

- Look at this one.

- That's nice, yeah.

Oh, I do believe

children are our future.

- That's nice, yeah.

- [CASHIER] Precision.

- That I made.

- Oh!

Ah, yeah.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Really good, yeah.

- Artist to artist, eh?

Yeah, yeah.

- That will be $54.12.

- Okay.

Here you go Oop, no. Paint.

[CASHIER] Ah, yeah.

I got paint on that one. Yeah.

♪

[BELL JINGLES]

- Oh, hi, Nellie.

- Uh-huh.

I just got some balloons.

Oh, I like the stamping.

That's That's nice.

[INDISTINCT PHONE CHATTER]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

No. Oh, no, no.

The f*ck? No, no.

Oh. No.

[DOLORES] No, no, no, no. Did

they take him away already?

f*ck. How long was I gone?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Luis?

- Luis?

- [KNOCKS]

Luis, did you call the cops on me?

[WHISPERING] Because it

was it was an accident.

It was an accident.

Or did I make it up?

What's going on?

Where the f*ck did he go?

[PANTING]

What the f*ck did I do?

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck is happening?

What is happening?

What the f*ck's happening?

[PANTING]

Did I make it up?

[SIGHS]

♪

[GROANS]

[DOLORES] I am not a bad person.

[FAUCET RUNNING]

♪

[SIGHS]

[FAUCET TURNS OFF]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[DOLORES] My adrenaline is crashing.

And I sleep like a f*cking baby.

Like a stoned-ass baby.

♪

[NELLIE] Free samples.

Free samples.

Free samples. Oh, try free samples?

Please try one. Yes.

They're really good.

Free sample. Sir, would

you like a free sample?

Free samples.

Free Oh, thank you, ma'am.

They're really good.

Free samples. Free sample.

Free samples.

Yes, thank you. Please take one.

Free samples. They're really good.

[SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING]

Luis?

- [LUIS HUMMING]

- [PLASTIC RUSTLING]

Ah

[DOLORES] Where'd he go?

Yo, I told you, mami, I took care of it.

How?

You Catholic, D?

No. No, I'm not.

Hmm. What are you?

I'm not anything, man. My

My father was born again,

my mother was Jewish.

No, no, no, I mean

like what-what do you

- you believe in?

- Who cares?

Because in church they used

to say that God is nowhere

so that He can be everywhere.

What the f*ck are you

talking about, Luis?

That's where Gideon Pearlman went.

What did you do with him?

Ah

[DOOR OPENS]

[NELLIE] Free samples.

Guys, come on and try them. Oh, yes.

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

Free samples.

Oh, hey, Ms. Linda, you

and your husband want some?

Yes. It's called muy loco.

It's gonna make your mouth crazy.

Están muy loco, and make

your mouth go whoa-oh.

It's sweet and savory, succulent.

I know you want un poco! Hey,

come in here and get you some.

Mmm. I know you really want some.

It's really good, it's our new muy loco.

It'll make your mouth crazy.

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, hey, D, you got to try this.

It's a new empanada

exclusive to Empanada Loca,

made with that secret recipe.

- A what?

- A secret recipe.

Luis thought it would

be a good promotion,

and I think it's, like, kind of working

'cause a lot of people

already came in to buy some.

It's called muy loco.

Did Luis tell you what was in those?

Um, I think it's mostly pork.

"Mostly."

I don't know, he said he

had to start going through

some new butcher for some reason,

and, like, it gave him this idea,

and he told me to come out,

just remind people we're still here,

that we're still part of the community.

And, you know, we're not

just an empanada shop,

but Luis is a misunderstood

culinary visionary.

A misunderstood culinary visionary?

Well, at least that's

what he told me to say.

Anyway, here, try it.

I don't really have an appetite.

Well, I do.

Mmm! That sh*t's yummy as f*ck.

[MARINO PEREZ: "NO LA

QUIERO VER CON OTRO" ♪]

[SONG CONTINUES IN SPANISH]

♪

[CRUNCHES LOUDLY]

Oh.

♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES FAINTLY]

[DOLORES] Luis.

[CHOPPING]

Hmm?

What was wrong with

your old butcher, Luis?

[Kn*fe CHOPS]

What?

Nellie said you had

to get a new butcher.

I've been making empanadas

all my life, Dolores.

And by now, I've tried every

kind of weird-ass filling

and flavor combination

I could get away with.

Just trying to create

something that's special.

You know? Something that's mine.

But you, my Dolores

you just changed the game for me.

You have led me to a pantheon

that very few of us who

are called to this art

are ever privileged enough to touch.

So, now

[SHUDDERING EXHALE]

[LAUGHS]

that greedy son of a bitch

will get chewed up,

shat out and flushed down the toilet,

like the excrement that he is.

All by the same damn people

he been trying to snuff out.

It was an accident.

I know, boo.

I know.

[ENTRY BELL JINGLES]

[JOY] Hello?

Dolores?

[LUIS] A customer.

Oh, hey, Joy.

[JOY] Oh, Luis, I just

tried one of your samples.

I've never tasted anything like it.

[LUIS] Oh, you are just

so kind. Yeah, don't stop.

No, I mean it, don't stop.

Well, really, really,

you are so talented.

What did she call it? Muy loca?

[LUIS] Loco.

Muy loco. [LAUGHS]

That's so funny.

Um, Dolores.

I wanted to see if you had any

free time because my-my shoulder

- is really tight.

- Uh, like, right now

I have, like, a nasty headache,

- like really bad.

- Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, unfortunately.

- But maybe later, though?

- Are you ?

[NELLIE] I need more samples already.

People are really loving these, Luis.

Well, in that case, Nellie,

I'll buy one of those empanadas.

[LUIS] Oh, no, no, no. Joy, you know

you can have whatever

you want on the house.

No, no, on second thought,

let me take you downstairs.

- [JOY] Oh, but your head.

- No, no, no, it went away.

- [JOY] Really? Are you sure?

- I'll keep them warm for you, Joy.

- Yes, please. Yes.

- Yeah. Yeah, come on.

- Come on.

- All right

Luis is so creative, isn't he?

Yeah, w-watch your

step. It's broken, okay?

Oh, no, look at that. You

should really tell your landlord.

Yeah. Yeah, we will.

Oh, did I miss your birthday?

[DOLORES] Oh

Uh, no, I was just, uh

feeling festive. [LAUGHS]

Oh, and look at this incredible upgrade.

Yeah.

You're gonna steal all

of Bridget's business,

and I love it.

This is impressive, Dolores. Oh.

Things must be going well for you two.

They're going.

[DOLORES] Second person on my table.

You're such a cute couple.

So, uh, tell me, how is ?

Why don't you undress to

the level of your comfort?

I'm just gonna, um

[RUSTLING]

I'm just gonna wash my hands.

Do you need a hand with ?

No, no. No.

[DOLORES] Inside, they

told us how Jesus even loves

thieves and rapists and murderers.

[GAGGING]

[GASPING]

So the girls would play

a game with the chaplain,

trying to call out sins

that were unforgivable.

I think I finally found one.

[JOY] Are you okay in there?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I am very not okay.

♪

Okay, Joy.

[SIGHS]

Let's see what happens.

[JOY] Are you, um Are

you feeling all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

- Is it morning sickness?

- No, no.

Shh. Relax.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Take a deep breath.

[SIGHS]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Take a deep breath.

I am a good person.

I am.

♪

You have such a gift, my friend.

It feels so much better already.

Oh, magic hands.

[JOY SIGHS]

[DOLORES] It was gonna be

him or it was gonna be me.

And it'll never happen again.

Ever again.

[LUIS] [IN DISTANCE] Good night.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- [LUIS] Ooh.

[LUIS MAKING WHOOSHING NOISES]

- [CLAPS]

- Whoo!

[LAUGHS]

You know, finally sent Nellie

upstairs for the night, man.

Whew. Yo, we ain't done

business like that since

Man, not since my pops

was still alive. Whew.

Oh. This that Hot Mocha Haze indica?

I ain't had a chance to

roll me a fresh one, so

I'm about to light up.

You know I'm trying to Mm-hmm.

[LUIS INHALES DEEPLY]

Oh.

Oh, yes.

[SIGHS]

Now, how could God make

anything more perfect

than this sh*t right here?

Mmm. [SNIFFS]

Grows right out of the ground,

you never even get a

hangover, right? Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Good night.

Bitch, are we really not

gonna talk about this?

Did you just call me bitch?

You don't think we need to have a

conver-m*therf*cking-sation

about this sh*t?

- What sh*t?

- No.

I'm not You're not

gonna make me say it, no.

Mami, okay.

- I took care of it.

- But

Have you tasted it?

Did I taste it? What?

You tasted it, didn't you?

Of course I didn't f*cking taste it.

- Well, why not?

- Why didn't I f*cking taste it?

Yo, aren't you curious?

That's a delicacy.

Mami, I put a lot of

Because it's human f*cking

flesh in an empanada, you

unbelievable dumbass!

Dolores. Meat is meat. Flesh is flesh.

The only reason that we eat a pig,

or a cow, or a lamb like whatever

is because we are more

powerful than them.

So, we get to feed off them.

That's how we survive

because we are carnivores.

That's just like Darwin and sh*t, man.

Why's everybody talking about

f*cking Darwin all of a sudden?

Because these are desperate times, yo.

You should be proud of the muy loco.

Mami, it means that we won.

Luis, I just spent the

past 16 years in prison

with con artists,

murderers, child molesters,

some sick, twisted m*therf*ckers.

And I heard a lot of

sh*t in my day, pero this?

This sh*t? Man, this sh*t?

This sh*t is even new to me.

What the f*ck did you

want me to do, huh?

You want me to wrap him up in a rug

and lug him over across

Broadway, down the stairs

Yeah, that's exactly

what I was gonna do!

You know? Listen, mami, I-I appreciate

what you did for me, okay?

But, you know, you left

me with a dead-ass body,

and I was up all night trying

to find a solution, okay?

And now? Mmm. [INHALES]

I'm doing decent business again.

And I'm getting rid of evidence.

So, you just got to keep

doing your thing, okay?

Being Magic Hands Dolores.

"Doing my thing"?

While you got Nellie up there waving

f*cking toothpicks in people's faces?

[LUIS] Yes, that's right, mami.

Because the more it looks like

we're trying to attract attention,

the more it looks like we

ain't got nothing to hide.

Because this sh*t is about

hiding in plain sight.

Hiding in plain sight, huh?

Yo, come on now, waste

not, want not, baby.

- [EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH]

- Don't eat that in front of me.

- Don't eat that man in front of me!

- Ah!

Yo, come on, what are

you doing? This is rare,

valuable meat right here, man. I mean

I mean, it's not cooked

rare, but it's rare like

Jesus Christ. Oh, God.

Where's the rest of him?

What?

Stop with the f*cking

"what," you heard what I said.

I mean

- I got a pretty big freezer up there, so

- Oh, my God.

We're Oh, my I'm going to prison.

I'm going back to prison.

And you're gonna go to prison, we're

[LUIS] No, no, no,

no, no. Listen, listen.

- I'm going back to prison.

- Listen.

Nobody goes up there but me, all right?

And I took his phone all the way to SoHo

and made some random-ass calls out there

so if anybody tries to track that sh*t,

it's gonna look like he went

down over there after here.

That's pretty genius, right?

"Genius"? That's the word

you're going with right now?

I love you.

I love you, Dolores Roach.

I've been waiting this whole time.

And, listen, mami, I

know you love me, too.

And you ain't got to

say it back just yet.

I got all the time in the world for you.

Give me that blunt. Genius.

Well, good night.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOLORES] I miss Dominic.

[BILL WITHERS: "LOVELY DAY" ♪]

♪

[DOLORES] And then,

for those next few days,

we all just do our work.

You have a wonderful Do

you want your receipt? Okay.

When I wake up in the morning, love ♪

[DOLORES] It's actually weird how normal

everything feels, almost good.

And something without warning, love ♪

- Just one of these? Okay.

- Bears heavy on my mind ♪

Then I look at you ♪

[DOLORES] My new table's

really working great,

and I'm making out.

And the world's all right with me ♪

Just one look at you ♪

And I know it's gonna be ♪

A lovely day ♪

Lovely day, lovely day,

lovely day, lovely day ♪

Lovely day, lovely day ♪

[DOLORES] Luis keeps cranking

out those empanadas

Lovely day, lovely day ♪

I think he's gonna run out

of Mr. Pearlman pretty soon.

Okay.

[DOLORES] And, like, this

whole "secret recipe" thing

did remind some folks we're still here.

Lovely day, lovely day,

lovely day, lovely day ♪

Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪

A lovely day ♪

[DOLORES] And for like a hot second,

I can almost let myself believe

the other shoe's not gonna drop.

Lovely day ♪

[NELLIE] I'm telling you, D,

this is cute or whatever.

- "Or whatever"?

- But my girl could really do

something good with that hair.

What's wrong with my hair?

Uh, look here, she

need a couple of pics.

I don't want to give you pics.

Come on, smile, don't look hard.

There you go. Oh, my

God, these look so good.

[BELL RINGING]

Got you a present.

- You got me a present?

- Mm-hmm.

How come?

Because you're somebody

who deserves a present.

Come on.

[CHUCKLES] Come on. Come on.

[HUMMING "WEDDING MARCH"]

That's the graduation song, right?

No, that's the "Wedding March."

- No, no, that's the graduation song.

- Okay, what the hell are you

- asking me for then?

- Open it. Open it.

How'd you get this?

Looks legit, right?

Seriously, how did you get this?

I went over to one of those

print shops, it wasn't hard.

Yo, hang that up down there

and you will look very

[CLICKS TONGUE]

- above board.

- [ENTRY BELL JINGLES]

'Cause we ain't got nothing to hide.

[JONAH] Luis Batista?

[DOLORES] But the other shoe

always drops.

Mr. Batista, I'm Jonah Pearlman,

from Pearlman Property Group.

I'm here for my father.

[LA DAME BLANCHE: "VENENO" ♪]

♪

[SONG CONTINUES IN SPANISH]

♪