01x09 - For Your Consideration
Posted: 07/02/23 07:39
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-ABE LINCOLN: Tonight
on a very special Clone High.
An epic tale so ground-breaking,
so powerful,
there aren't enough award shows
on the planet
to adequately celebrate
this absolute treasure
of a cartoon.
So, if you've been thinking
about creating an award show,
you should do it today.
And now, without further ado,
we proudly present,
for your consideration,
Clone High's paradigm shifting
opus, entitled,
For Your Consideration.
(WHISPERING) Let's watch.
(WAVES SPLASH)
♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
(BOAT CREAKING)
♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SHADOWY FIGURE LESLIE:
As is custom
at our Annual Board
of Shadowy Figures Crab Fest,
we open the floor to questions,
requests, suggestions,
and funny stories.
-(GRUNTS)
-LESLIE: If you wish
to speak this year,
you may do so now.
Uh. I have something!
Allow me to present to you
my lifelong ambition...
Cloney Island.
Once, "Operation Spread Eagle"
is complete,
I would like to formally request
control of all remaining clones,
-in order that I may--
-LESLIE: Sorry.
Do you have crab stuck
in your teeth?
Uh. What?
I don't feel anything.
Oh, did I get it?
Is it here? There? Over here?
Oh, gosh, buttery crab fingers.
Ugh! Disgusting.
Well, that wraps up
another successful crab-fest!
To spreading our eagles!
SHADOWY FIGURES:
To spreading our eagles!
CANDIDE SIMPSON: (GRUNTS)
Hate shellfish.
(GRUNTS) Mr. B!
How dare you not tell me,
I have crab in my teeth!
Of course, they didn't
take my request seriously!
I had crab sticking out
from my incisors.
But I put a note on your--
Oh! You put a note
on absolutely nothing!
You promised to look out
for my teeth
while I made my very
important proposal,
and yet you broke that promise!
What?
What about your promise
to me?
Wesley.
What promise?
The dramatic, epic,
and award worthy promise
you made all those years ago?
Oh, yes, that!
Why would I ever need to keep
such an enormous promise to you?
You're just a hunk of metal
with no soul!
How dare you?
(PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH GRUNTS)
A lie! It was all a lie.
(GRUNTS)
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS)
-(ROBOTIC SIGH)
JOAN OF ARC:
You dropped something.
-Oh, hi, Joan.
-Hey, Mr. B.
Can we talk?
I don't know what to do.
I'm just so devastated
about my breakup with JFK.
I miss having someone
who loves me no matter what.
You know what I mean?
Yes, I do. Wesley.
I've been seeking companionship
with people
my whole life, Wesley.
But no more, Wesley.
Hey, why do you always
call people Wesley?
It's a long, epic,
and award-worthy story.
Wesley.
(YOUNG WESLEY CHUCKLES)
Tomorrow,
we're gonna get baptized!
It'll be the best day
of our lives!
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Boy golly, I sure am hungry,
identical twin brother.
Me too.
What do you say we rustle up
somethin' to eat?
I don't wanna go
in there by myself.
I'd never let you do anything
by yourself!
You've always got me
by your side. Always!
Now, let's scooch.
Ham's a-callin'!
(CHUCKLES)
-(g*nshots)
-I told y'all for the last time
to stay outta my ham patch!
-(g*nshots)
-Ow!
You identical twins
are gonna be in big trouble!
I'm gonna call your parents
Leslie and Presley
to tell them what you've done!
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(BOTH MUNCHING)
I can't wait to go to Heaven.
It'll be such a beautiful reward
for this hardscrabble
life of poverty.
At least, we have each other.
I promise, I'll never leave
your side on Earth,
or in Heaven, and a promise
between brothers is...
-Forever.
-Forever.
Oh, Saint Christopher!
We better get home!
We got chores to do!
-(WHISTLES)
-♪ (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(HORSE HOOVES CLOMPING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(MOOS)
You identical twins
finish your chores?
Yes, Pa. We shaved the cows,
sh*t all the rabid dogs,
collected dust for coffee,
and said our anti-witch prayers.
-That's good, Besley.
-I'm Besley!
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I can never tell
you identical twins apart!
Now, go wash up.
Remember what tomorrow is?
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INHALES) Hallelujah!
-I'm saved!
-(BIRDS CHIRP)
I wanna die so bad now!
Your turn, Besley!
Get baptized, so we can
be together forever in Heaven!
-Goodie! Heaven, here I com--
-Oh, no, no, no! Not you!
Don't get in that water.
You'll get all rusty.
But I want to go to Heaven.
You can't go to no Heaven,
on account you're a robit.
And robit's ain't got no souls.
-I'm a robit?
-♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Gasp.
But-- But he's
my identical twin brother!
Oh, don't be a fool now.
Didn't you notice
his mediocre British accent
and that we shovel coal
into his butt?
(BEEPING)
-Does not compute!
-It don't compute one bit!
Boo-hoo! Hoo!
Besley, please don't cry!
Here, wipe your eyes.
But it-- It's-- it's dry?
Uh. I don't understand.
Robots can't cry.
-No!
-(METAL CLANGING)
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
-(WHIMPERS)
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
Huh? Huh?
LESLIE: Hey, we thought you knew
you was a robit.
What, with your
metal skin and all.
But, you could never tell us
identical twins apart!
Oh, that was just a fun game,
like I got your nose.
I thought you did have my nose!
Oh, God! I have no nose!
-(SOBS)
-(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
Goodbye, Mother--
I mean, woman who purchased me.
Wait! Don't go.
Before I give you
this pillow I embroidered.
-(SIGHS)
-(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
No! Don't leave me!
What about our brother promise?
I'm not your brother.
You don't have
to pretend anymore.
But, we're gonna
be together forever!
I can't go
to Heaven with you, Wesley.
I'm a robot! I have no soul!
I don't even have a nose!
We can figure all that out.
No, just leave me alone!
I hate you and I never
want to see you again!
-Go! Go on! Get! Get outta here!
-(GASPS)
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WHIMPERS)
MR. BUTLERTRON: Goodbye.
-Wesley.
-(CRIES)
It was the hardest thing
I ever had to do.
Breaking up with JFK
was the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.
But I know
I did the right thing.
(SIGHS) It's hard to admit,
but I never really stopped
having feelings for Abe.
You should always tell
those you love the truth.
JOAN: I can't.
I just broke up with JFK.
He'll think I'm a whore.
JOAN: (ECHOEING)
He'll think I'm a whore.
He'll think I'm a whore.
He'll think I'm a whore.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, whore!
-Thanks for the whore job.
-(COINS CLINGING)
Here's six dollars.
But we agreed
on eight dollars and a hug.
SCUMBAG: Hey! See you next week!
-(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
-Cough, cough, cough.
(SIGHS)
-(SIREN WAILING)
-(CARS HONKING)
♪ ("MAYBE"
BY SELECTRACKS PLAYING) ♪
-(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
-♪ Maybe ♪
-♪ It's my fault for caring ♪
-(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
♪ Maybe I held you to my g*n ♪
(GRUNTS)
B. Your rent's late again!
This is your last warning
or you're out on the street.
Typical robot.
Oh, and you got another letter
from that brother of yours.
I have no brother.
-I have no family.
-(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS)
Man! You must have a dark past.
But thankfully,
it doesn't haunt you,
because robots can't be haunted
on account of having
no soul at all.
(WIND WHOOSHING)
♪ (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What's shakin', hot stuff?
It's me,
your favorite sex client.
Hi, Purity.
Let me just recharge
and I will get right
to performing sexual favors.
Sorry I'm running late.
I'm late too.
On my men-u-stration.
You're gonna be a daddy, Mr. B.
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-What?
You heard me.
Oh! Lil guy's already kickin'.
(STATIC BUZZING)
Finally, something to live for.
A family.
PURITY: Oh, you're crying?
It's just ceiling juice.
MR. B: We were happy
for a time.
♪ (SCOOBIDOO LOVE BY
CHARLIE STEINMANN PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS)
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
♪ It is such a good night
To kiss ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To dance ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To scoobidoo-doobidoo ♪
♪ Scoobidoo-doobidoo ♪
♪ Scoobidoo-doobidoo love ♪
(GROANS)
(STATIC BUZZING)
-(CRIES)
-(GASPS)
♪ It is such a good night
To kiss ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To dance ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To Scooby-Doo doobidoo ♪
♪ Scooby-Doo doobidoo ♪
♪ Scooby-Doo doobidoo love ♪
-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Honey, I'm home.
Back early
from my overnight shift
at the airplane ashtray factory.
-Gasp.
-(SCREAMS)
How could you? And with a VCR!
Exactly.
And it's the best kind of VCR,
a Betamax.
And unlike you,
it gives me good loving
and will never ever
go out of style.
Oh, yeah. That's it, baby!
I see it now,
our son is not even mine!
Be Kind! Rewind!
You knew who I was
when you met me!
A woman who loves sex
with many types of electronics!
Yeah. Now get outta here,
I'm about to eject!
-(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
-(PURITY MOANING)
VCR: Oh, yeah. Right there.
(GRUNTS)::. --] ::. align:right line:% position:%
-Oh, God, that was insane!
-(PURITY BREATHING HEAVILY)
MR. B: There was only
one place I could go.
The place I should've gone
a long time ago.
Take me to Wesley.
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
In his name we pray...
Amen.
Besley?
Know anywhere an old hunk of
metal can plug in for a spell?
What about Ma and Pa?
Uh. I mean Leslie and Presley--
Are they?
Gone. d*ed of natural causes.
From injuries sustained
from that train what hit ‘em.
MR. B: People always said
they were wrong to build a house
on train tracks.
I hope you haven't been alone
this whole time.
I'm always alone.
Cockypop! You'll never
be alone again.
I swear on my kids,
Chesley, and Resley, and Fesley.
I even named my youngest
after you, Mr. Butlertron.
She's a real beauty.
You gotta meet ‘em!
(SNIFFS) I don't need it.
Robots can't cry.
I'm not worthy
to meet your children, Wesley.
My life has been one of shame.
As previously established,
I have no soul.
Well then how's about
we get you one?
Baptism.
♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WAVES CRASH)
Why are we going out so far?
Well, baptizing a robot's
gonna take tons of water.
After we get you a soul,
we will always be together
on Earth...
-And in Heaven.
-And in Heaven.
Just let me put on
my rustproofing spray.
I've never been so happy.
Now, let me hold you, just so...
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(WESLEY SCREAMS)
(EXHALES) Help!
Besley, I can't swim! (GRUNTS)
-MR. B: No! No! No! Wesley.
-(WESLEY GROANS)
Wait, I got you! Oh, no!
Quick! Grab my claw, brother!
(GRUNTS)
I'll see you in Heaven.
-But I'm not baptized!
-(MUFFLED GROANS)
Please don't die!
-(WHIMPERS) Wesley!
-(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Oh, God! Why!
♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Hop in.
♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(HORN HONKING)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, no!
We're gonna get so grounded!
I don't think Mom and Dad
are going to ground us.
'Cause they're
gonna k*ll us first!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Oh, Wesley, this is a pickle.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-No, it's a baseball.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My favorite window!
-It's broken.
-(AUDIENCE GASP)
It's my fault, sir.
I broke the window.
-I'm such a clumsy robot.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You're fired, Mr. Butlertron!
-(AUDIENCE GROANING)
Wait! It's our fault,
we broke the window, not Mr. B.
-We're so sorry.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
You told your loved one
the truth.
That's another theme
in this whole-- (SCREAMS)
-Error! My ball-bearings! Error!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO) ♪
(SNORTS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-Who's there? I've got a g*n!
I just can't find it right now!
(DOOR CREAKS)
Who sent you?
I won that
Battle of the Network Stars
fair and square!
I j... I just saw you on
television. (BREATHES HEAVILY)
See, I recognized you
as Mr. Butlertron model B.
I was sure they'd all
been destroyed
during the Ford Administration.
And yet, here you are.
And yet, here I am.
Now, get out of my face-plate.
Please. I'm desperately
in need of your services.
(LAUGHS)
You want me to work for you?
What could you possibly offer me
that I haven't already got?
I'm a multi-camera situation
comedy star.
(SCREECHES)
I can offer to make you
a part of this.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MR. B GASPING)
(GIGGLES)
A family.
No! They're baby clones
of historical figures
so I can start
a clone theme park.
Wait. You can clone people?
Of course, I can!
Then I will give up
my fulfilling Hollywood life
and come work for you.
But, I need you to make me
a promise.
-(THUNDER RUMBLING)
-You'll clone one more person.
Your life has been
so epic and award-worthy.
Meanwhile, I have no one.
I'm all alone.
There is still someone
you can always count on.
You, Mr. B?
What? No. You.
Don't put your trust
in other people.
They'll only let you down
until eventually
you can't take it anymore.
Hey. Don't cry, Mr. B.
Oh, never mind. It was Au Jus
from that prime rib sandwich.
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
-(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)
-Goodbye, Joan.
Goodbye, Mr. B.
Thanks for the advice.
Hey, wait.
Your battery's getting low.
(BEEPING)
I know.
(DOOR OPENS)
Last Stop, Jumpers Cliff,
named for Bonnie Jean Jumper,
who invented jumpers,
or as we call them today,
rompers or one-pieces.
Okay, end of the line.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(BUS REVERSE INDICATOR BEEPING)
(WAVES SPLASHES)
Oh, God, why is life so hard?
Huh! I'm sorry.
Were you going to jump?
I didn't mean to cut in line.
I'm not here to jump.
I'm here to stare
into the sunset
and let my battery power down.
Forever.
But there is a line over there.
Oh. That's a lot of people.
That'll take all day!
You know what? Forget it.
Life's too short,
you know what I mean? (WHISTLES)
(BEEPING)
♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WEAKLY) Wesley.
(POWER SHUTS DOWN)
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH:
You're not going anywhere,
Mr. B.
I owe you an apology.
You did try to tell me,
but the note must have gotten
stuck on my shoe
and I didn't see it until I went
to change into my house clogs.
What do you say, old pal?
Will you forgive
an old turkey-lurkey
and come on home?
-No.
-Why not?
For the simple, epic
and award-worthy reason
that I'm unable to trust
a single soul.
Because I have no soul.
Don't you realize?
I'm a scientist!
I don't have a soul!
The clones don't have souls!
They're just
horny science experiments!
We're all soulless.
Together! And so is he.
-(GIGGLES)
-(GASPS) Wesley!
I made you a promise
when you came to work with me.
But today you said you never
intended to keep your promise.
That's because
I was too embarrassed
to tell you the truth.
Been trying to do this
for years,
but I'm such a goofus!
And I kept confusing my own
hair clumps with Wesley's.
I kept cloning myself!
And then I had to m*rder
the clones of me.
This was the last Wesley hair.
I did it! Your brother is alive.
(GASPS)
This is the best day of my life!
(SCREAMS)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
No!
(WHIMPERS)
(GRUNTS) Help me, Mr. B!
My delicate hands
can't hold on much longer!
(MR. B. GROANING)
I promise,
I'll never leave your side.
On Earth or in Heaven.
And a promise
between brothers is...
-Forever.
-Forever.
Mr. B!
How dare you not tell me
I have crab in my teeth?
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCUDWORTH GASPS)
Goodbye again, Wesley.
I was a little worried there
when you flashed
on the crab memory.
Why did you choose me?
I know that Wesley
will go to Heaven.
But you and I don't need to.
Because, we're already there.
Uh. Wha-- Uh.
I don't understand.
I love those clones.
And I could never leave
what we built together.
We have created quite a family,
haven't we?
Gasp! A family!
It must be raining
because robots can't cry.
Or can they?
So, are you coming back
to the lab?
Of course, I am.
No way you can handle
the final exciting chapter
of "Operation Spread Eagle"
alone.
Can you believe I cried?
You didn't cry,
that was a malfunction.
-No, I totally cried.
-Did not!
-MR. B: I did cry. It was salty.
-(JUMPER SCREAMING)
SCUDWORTH: There's no magic
in the world.
Robots don't cry.
Rainbows don't exist.
MR. B: Rainbows do exist.
SCUDWORTH: Okay,
I'll give you rainbows.
MR. B: I'm telling you,
they were real tears.
SCUDWORTH: Ah, you wish, robit.
MR. B: It was wet
in human style.
SCUDWORTH: Oh, you want
to see crying? Watch this.
(SCUDWORTH MIMICS CRYING)
Ah, see? That was fake!
MR. B: So is your hair.
SCUDWORTH: Wow, whatever!
I like our repartee.
MR. B: Oh, yes.
It's quite witty.
♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-ABE LINCOLN: Tonight
on a very special Clone High.
An epic tale so ground-breaking,
so powerful,
there aren't enough award shows
on the planet
to adequately celebrate
this absolute treasure
of a cartoon.
So, if you've been thinking
about creating an award show,
you should do it today.
And now, without further ado,
we proudly present,
for your consideration,
Clone High's paradigm shifting
opus, entitled,
For Your Consideration.
(WHISPERING) Let's watch.
(WAVES SPLASH)
♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
(BOAT CREAKING)
♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SHADOWY FIGURE LESLIE:
As is custom
at our Annual Board
of Shadowy Figures Crab Fest,
we open the floor to questions,
requests, suggestions,
and funny stories.
-(GRUNTS)
-LESLIE: If you wish
to speak this year,
you may do so now.
Uh. I have something!
Allow me to present to you
my lifelong ambition...
Cloney Island.
Once, "Operation Spread Eagle"
is complete,
I would like to formally request
control of all remaining clones,
-in order that I may--
-LESLIE: Sorry.
Do you have crab stuck
in your teeth?
Uh. What?
I don't feel anything.
Oh, did I get it?
Is it here? There? Over here?
Oh, gosh, buttery crab fingers.
Ugh! Disgusting.
Well, that wraps up
another successful crab-fest!
To spreading our eagles!
SHADOWY FIGURES:
To spreading our eagles!
CANDIDE SIMPSON: (GRUNTS)
Hate shellfish.
(GRUNTS) Mr. B!
How dare you not tell me,
I have crab in my teeth!
Of course, they didn't
take my request seriously!
I had crab sticking out
from my incisors.
But I put a note on your--
Oh! You put a note
on absolutely nothing!
You promised to look out
for my teeth
while I made my very
important proposal,
and yet you broke that promise!
What?
What about your promise
to me?
Wesley.
What promise?
The dramatic, epic,
and award worthy promise
you made all those years ago?
Oh, yes, that!
Why would I ever need to keep
such an enormous promise to you?
You're just a hunk of metal
with no soul!
How dare you?
(PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH GRUNTS)
A lie! It was all a lie.
(GRUNTS)
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS)
-(ROBOTIC SIGH)
JOAN OF ARC:
You dropped something.
-Oh, hi, Joan.
-Hey, Mr. B.
Can we talk?
I don't know what to do.
I'm just so devastated
about my breakup with JFK.
I miss having someone
who loves me no matter what.
You know what I mean?
Yes, I do. Wesley.
I've been seeking companionship
with people
my whole life, Wesley.
But no more, Wesley.
Hey, why do you always
call people Wesley?
It's a long, epic,
and award-worthy story.
Wesley.
(YOUNG WESLEY CHUCKLES)
Tomorrow,
we're gonna get baptized!
It'll be the best day
of our lives!
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Boy golly, I sure am hungry,
identical twin brother.
Me too.
What do you say we rustle up
somethin' to eat?
I don't wanna go
in there by myself.
I'd never let you do anything
by yourself!
You've always got me
by your side. Always!
Now, let's scooch.
Ham's a-callin'!
(CHUCKLES)
-(g*nshots)
-I told y'all for the last time
to stay outta my ham patch!
-(g*nshots)
-Ow!
You identical twins
are gonna be in big trouble!
I'm gonna call your parents
Leslie and Presley
to tell them what you've done!
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(BOTH MUNCHING)
I can't wait to go to Heaven.
It'll be such a beautiful reward
for this hardscrabble
life of poverty.
At least, we have each other.
I promise, I'll never leave
your side on Earth,
or in Heaven, and a promise
between brothers is...
-Forever.
-Forever.
Oh, Saint Christopher!
We better get home!
We got chores to do!
-(WHISTLES)
-♪ (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(HORSE HOOVES CLOMPING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(MOOS)
You identical twins
finish your chores?
Yes, Pa. We shaved the cows,
sh*t all the rabid dogs,
collected dust for coffee,
and said our anti-witch prayers.
-That's good, Besley.
-I'm Besley!
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I can never tell
you identical twins apart!
Now, go wash up.
Remember what tomorrow is?
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INHALES) Hallelujah!
-I'm saved!
-(BIRDS CHIRP)
I wanna die so bad now!
Your turn, Besley!
Get baptized, so we can
be together forever in Heaven!
-Goodie! Heaven, here I com--
-Oh, no, no, no! Not you!
Don't get in that water.
You'll get all rusty.
But I want to go to Heaven.
You can't go to no Heaven,
on account you're a robit.
And robit's ain't got no souls.
-I'm a robit?
-♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Gasp.
But-- But he's
my identical twin brother!
Oh, don't be a fool now.
Didn't you notice
his mediocre British accent
and that we shovel coal
into his butt?
(BEEPING)
-Does not compute!
-It don't compute one bit!
Boo-hoo! Hoo!
Besley, please don't cry!
Here, wipe your eyes.
But it-- It's-- it's dry?
Uh. I don't understand.
Robots can't cry.
-No!
-(METAL CLANGING)
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
-(WHIMPERS)
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
Huh? Huh?
LESLIE: Hey, we thought you knew
you was a robit.
What, with your
metal skin and all.
But, you could never tell us
identical twins apart!
Oh, that was just a fun game,
like I got your nose.
I thought you did have my nose!
Oh, God! I have no nose!
-(SOBS)
-(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
Goodbye, Mother--
I mean, woman who purchased me.
Wait! Don't go.
Before I give you
this pillow I embroidered.
-(SIGHS)
-(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
No! Don't leave me!
What about our brother promise?
I'm not your brother.
You don't have
to pretend anymore.
But, we're gonna
be together forever!
I can't go
to Heaven with you, Wesley.
I'm a robot! I have no soul!
I don't even have a nose!
We can figure all that out.
No, just leave me alone!
I hate you and I never
want to see you again!
-Go! Go on! Get! Get outta here!
-(GASPS)
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WHIMPERS)
MR. BUTLERTRON: Goodbye.
-Wesley.
-(CRIES)
It was the hardest thing
I ever had to do.
Breaking up with JFK
was the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.
But I know
I did the right thing.
(SIGHS) It's hard to admit,
but I never really stopped
having feelings for Abe.
You should always tell
those you love the truth.
JOAN: I can't.
I just broke up with JFK.
He'll think I'm a whore.
JOAN: (ECHOEING)
He'll think I'm a whore.
He'll think I'm a whore.
He'll think I'm a whore.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, whore!
-Thanks for the whore job.
-(COINS CLINGING)
Here's six dollars.
But we agreed
on eight dollars and a hug.
SCUMBAG: Hey! See you next week!
-(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
-Cough, cough, cough.
(SIGHS)
-(SIREN WAILING)
-(CARS HONKING)
♪ ("MAYBE"
BY SELECTRACKS PLAYING) ♪
-(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
-♪ Maybe ♪
-♪ It's my fault for caring ♪
-(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
♪ Maybe I held you to my g*n ♪
(GRUNTS)
B. Your rent's late again!
This is your last warning
or you're out on the street.
Typical robot.
Oh, and you got another letter
from that brother of yours.
I have no brother.
-I have no family.
-(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS)
Man! You must have a dark past.
But thankfully,
it doesn't haunt you,
because robots can't be haunted
on account of having
no soul at all.
(WIND WHOOSHING)
♪ (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What's shakin', hot stuff?
It's me,
your favorite sex client.
Hi, Purity.
Let me just recharge
and I will get right
to performing sexual favors.
Sorry I'm running late.
I'm late too.
On my men-u-stration.
You're gonna be a daddy, Mr. B.
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-What?
You heard me.
Oh! Lil guy's already kickin'.
(STATIC BUZZING)
Finally, something to live for.
A family.
PURITY: Oh, you're crying?
It's just ceiling juice.
MR. B: We were happy
for a time.
♪ (SCOOBIDOO LOVE BY
CHARLIE STEINMANN PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS)
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
♪ It is such a good night
To kiss ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To dance ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To scoobidoo-doobidoo ♪
♪ Scoobidoo-doobidoo ♪
♪ Scoobidoo-doobidoo love ♪
(GROANS)
(STATIC BUZZING)
-(CRIES)
-(GASPS)
♪ It is such a good night
To kiss ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To dance ♪
♪ It is such a good night
To Scooby-Doo doobidoo ♪
♪ Scooby-Doo doobidoo ♪
♪ Scooby-Doo doobidoo love ♪
-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Honey, I'm home.
Back early
from my overnight shift
at the airplane ashtray factory.
-Gasp.
-(SCREAMS)
How could you? And with a VCR!
Exactly.
And it's the best kind of VCR,
a Betamax.
And unlike you,
it gives me good loving
and will never ever
go out of style.
Oh, yeah. That's it, baby!
I see it now,
our son is not even mine!
Be Kind! Rewind!
You knew who I was
when you met me!
A woman who loves sex
with many types of electronics!
Yeah. Now get outta here,
I'm about to eject!
-(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
-(PURITY MOANING)
VCR: Oh, yeah. Right there.
(GRUNTS)::. --] ::. align:right line:% position:%
-Oh, God, that was insane!
-(PURITY BREATHING HEAVILY)
MR. B: There was only
one place I could go.
The place I should've gone
a long time ago.
Take me to Wesley.
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
In his name we pray...
Amen.
Besley?
Know anywhere an old hunk of
metal can plug in for a spell?
What about Ma and Pa?
Uh. I mean Leslie and Presley--
Are they?
Gone. d*ed of natural causes.
From injuries sustained
from that train what hit ‘em.
MR. B: People always said
they were wrong to build a house
on train tracks.
I hope you haven't been alone
this whole time.
I'm always alone.
Cockypop! You'll never
be alone again.
I swear on my kids,
Chesley, and Resley, and Fesley.
I even named my youngest
after you, Mr. Butlertron.
She's a real beauty.
You gotta meet ‘em!
(SNIFFS) I don't need it.
Robots can't cry.
I'm not worthy
to meet your children, Wesley.
My life has been one of shame.
As previously established,
I have no soul.
Well then how's about
we get you one?
Baptism.
♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WAVES CRASH)
Why are we going out so far?
Well, baptizing a robot's
gonna take tons of water.
After we get you a soul,
we will always be together
on Earth...
-And in Heaven.
-And in Heaven.
Just let me put on
my rustproofing spray.
I've never been so happy.
Now, let me hold you, just so...
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(WESLEY SCREAMS)
(EXHALES) Help!
Besley, I can't swim! (GRUNTS)
-MR. B: No! No! No! Wesley.
-(WESLEY GROANS)
Wait, I got you! Oh, no!
Quick! Grab my claw, brother!
(GRUNTS)
I'll see you in Heaven.
-But I'm not baptized!
-(MUFFLED GROANS)
Please don't die!
-(WHIMPERS) Wesley!
-(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Oh, God! Why!
♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Hop in.
♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(HORN HONKING)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, no!
We're gonna get so grounded!
I don't think Mom and Dad
are going to ground us.
'Cause they're
gonna k*ll us first!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Oh, Wesley, this is a pickle.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-No, it's a baseball.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My favorite window!
-It's broken.
-(AUDIENCE GASP)
It's my fault, sir.
I broke the window.
-I'm such a clumsy robot.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You're fired, Mr. Butlertron!
-(AUDIENCE GROANING)
Wait! It's our fault,
we broke the window, not Mr. B.
-We're so sorry.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
You told your loved one
the truth.
That's another theme
in this whole-- (SCREAMS)
-Error! My ball-bearings! Error!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO) ♪
(SNORTS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-Who's there? I've got a g*n!
I just can't find it right now!
(DOOR CREAKS)
Who sent you?
I won that
Battle of the Network Stars
fair and square!
I j... I just saw you on
television. (BREATHES HEAVILY)
See, I recognized you
as Mr. Butlertron model B.
I was sure they'd all
been destroyed
during the Ford Administration.
And yet, here you are.
And yet, here I am.
Now, get out of my face-plate.
Please. I'm desperately
in need of your services.
(LAUGHS)
You want me to work for you?
What could you possibly offer me
that I haven't already got?
I'm a multi-camera situation
comedy star.
(SCREECHES)
I can offer to make you
a part of this.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MR. B GASPING)
(GIGGLES)
A family.
No! They're baby clones
of historical figures
so I can start
a clone theme park.
Wait. You can clone people?
Of course, I can!
Then I will give up
my fulfilling Hollywood life
and come work for you.
But, I need you to make me
a promise.
-(THUNDER RUMBLING)
-You'll clone one more person.
Your life has been
so epic and award-worthy.
Meanwhile, I have no one.
I'm all alone.
There is still someone
you can always count on.
You, Mr. B?
What? No. You.
Don't put your trust
in other people.
They'll only let you down
until eventually
you can't take it anymore.
Hey. Don't cry, Mr. B.
Oh, never mind. It was Au Jus
from that prime rib sandwich.
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
-(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)
-Goodbye, Joan.
Goodbye, Mr. B.
Thanks for the advice.
Hey, wait.
Your battery's getting low.
(BEEPING)
I know.
(DOOR OPENS)
Last Stop, Jumpers Cliff,
named for Bonnie Jean Jumper,
who invented jumpers,
or as we call them today,
rompers or one-pieces.
Okay, end of the line.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(BUS REVERSE INDICATOR BEEPING)
(WAVES SPLASHES)
Oh, God, why is life so hard?
Huh! I'm sorry.
Were you going to jump?
I didn't mean to cut in line.
I'm not here to jump.
I'm here to stare
into the sunset
and let my battery power down.
Forever.
But there is a line over there.
Oh. That's a lot of people.
That'll take all day!
You know what? Forget it.
Life's too short,
you know what I mean? (WHISTLES)
(BEEPING)
♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WEAKLY) Wesley.
(POWER SHUTS DOWN)
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH:
You're not going anywhere,
Mr. B.
I owe you an apology.
You did try to tell me,
but the note must have gotten
stuck on my shoe
and I didn't see it until I went
to change into my house clogs.
What do you say, old pal?
Will you forgive
an old turkey-lurkey
and come on home?
-No.
-Why not?
For the simple, epic
and award-worthy reason
that I'm unable to trust
a single soul.
Because I have no soul.
Don't you realize?
I'm a scientist!
I don't have a soul!
The clones don't have souls!
They're just
horny science experiments!
We're all soulless.
Together! And so is he.
-(GIGGLES)
-(GASPS) Wesley!
I made you a promise
when you came to work with me.
But today you said you never
intended to keep your promise.
That's because
I was too embarrassed
to tell you the truth.
Been trying to do this
for years,
but I'm such a goofus!
And I kept confusing my own
hair clumps with Wesley's.
I kept cloning myself!
And then I had to m*rder
the clones of me.
This was the last Wesley hair.
I did it! Your brother is alive.
(GASPS)
This is the best day of my life!
(SCREAMS)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
No!
(WHIMPERS)
(GRUNTS) Help me, Mr. B!
My delicate hands
can't hold on much longer!
(MR. B. GROANING)
I promise,
I'll never leave your side.
On Earth or in Heaven.
And a promise
between brothers is...
-Forever.
-Forever.
Mr. B!
How dare you not tell me
I have crab in my teeth?
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCUDWORTH GASPS)
Goodbye again, Wesley.
I was a little worried there
when you flashed
on the crab memory.
Why did you choose me?
I know that Wesley
will go to Heaven.
But you and I don't need to.
Because, we're already there.
Uh. Wha-- Uh.
I don't understand.
I love those clones.
And I could never leave
what we built together.
We have created quite a family,
haven't we?
Gasp! A family!
It must be raining
because robots can't cry.
Or can they?
So, are you coming back
to the lab?
Of course, I am.
No way you can handle
the final exciting chapter
of "Operation Spread Eagle"
alone.
Can you believe I cried?
You didn't cry,
that was a malfunction.
-No, I totally cried.
-Did not!
-MR. B: I did cry. It was salty.
-(JUMPER SCREAMING)
SCUDWORTH: There's no magic
in the world.
Robots don't cry.
Rainbows don't exist.
MR. B: Rainbows do exist.
SCUDWORTH: Okay,
I'll give you rainbows.
MR. B: I'm telling you,
they were real tears.
SCUDWORTH: Ah, you wish, robit.
MR. B: It was wet
in human style.
SCUDWORTH: Oh, you want
to see crying? Watch this.
(SCUDWORTH MIMICS CRYING)
Ah, see? That was fake!
MR. B: So is your hair.
SCUDWORTH: Wow, whatever!
I like our repartee.
MR. B: Oh, yes.
It's quite witty.
♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪