01x14 - Second Honeymoon
Posted: 07/01/23 07:55
[waves crashing]
- [Narrator]
Anne Jeffreys as Marion Kerby,
the ghostess with the mostest.
Robert Sterling as George Kerby
that most sportive spirit.
Leo G. Carroll, host to said ghosts as
Topper.
- Oh, it was so romantic.
There's the inn where we stopped.
Wait, I guess there's nothing
quite like a honeymoon.
- George, do you remember your honeymoon?
- Yeah.
Only I can't remember who was with me.
- There's Cosmo.
It doesn't seem like years ago.
- Is it really that long?
- Next Thursday will be
our silver anniversary.
I hope Cosmo remembers.
- You always forget ours.
- I only forget it once a year.
- I wish we could go back there again.
- A second honeymoon.
- Oh, Thelma.
I wonder if Cosmo would take
me back for our anniversary.
- How do you like that?
She wants to go back to
the scene of her crime.
[audience laughing]
- I wish I could go with you.
- So do I, dear, but this is a honeymoon.
Oh! I feel like a girl again.
[doorbell chiming]
There, there's Cosmo now.
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing]
- Really Henrietta.
If you need extra postage,
I'd be glad to give it to you.
[audience laughing]
- Comfy, darling?
- Did you remember, Topper?
- Remember what?
- Remember what, what?
- What?
- He forgot.
- I just asked if he would comfy, dear.
- I think so.
Yes, I'm comfy.
- Are you comfy, darling?
- Oh perfectly comfy, dear.
- Cosmo, dear.
You weren't planning anything
for next Thursday, were you?
- Next Thursday?
- You know what next Thursday
is, don't you, Topper?
- He don't know what time it is.
- Yes, I'm afraid I have
something planned for Thursday.
- Topper, you vile man.
- What are you hitting me for?
I didn't forget anything.
- That's just in case you do.
Topper, you've got to break that date.
- I'm afraid I can't break it either.
- Unless?
- No, no,
it won't be necessary.
- I'm glad of that dear.
You see this date of
mine is rather important.
I'm taking a lady to dinner.
- Well, that's one to celebrate.
- George, be quiet.
- You needn't explain, Cosmo.
- Thank you, dear.
I didn't think you'd mind.
You see, I've known this
lady for quite a long time.
In fact, I've been living with her.
- What?
- For years on Thursday.
- Topper, darling, I love you.
- Oh Cosmo, aren't you
ashamed of yourself?
- Not in the least.
After all, we are married.
- You know very well what I mean.
Pretending you'd forgotten.
Where are you going to take me?
- Well, I don't know, dear.
I hadn't really thought.
- Now comes the strategy.
- Why, what's this?
- It's just an old album, dear.
- What's it doing here?
- It was planted there by your wife.
- Now, George don't make trouble.
- I didn't mention any names.
- Cosmo, it's filled with
pictures of our honeymoon.
Oh look, there's the inn where we stopped.
Oh Cosmo, the Black Swan.
Wouldn't you love to see it?
- Yes, I'm looking at it now, dear.
Very nice.
- Oh Cosmo.
I wonder if it is wonderful
now as it was then.
- I doubt it, Henrietta.
You know, it's been years.
A lot of wear and tear.
[Henrietta weeping]
Henrietta what is it?
Well, what did I say?
- Ask her.
- Don't you know?
- Why, I was just talking
about an old building.
- No, you weren't.
To Henrietta, you were
talking about your marriage.
She wants to forget about the
wear and tear such as it is.
She wants to go on a second honeymoon.
- Oh, why didn't she say so?
- She wants you to ask her.
It's not too late, Topper.
- Oh all right, if that's what she wants.
- Wait, Topper.
Make a reservation at the
inn and then tell her.
Make her think you're longing to go.
That it was your idea rather than hers.
- Woman, thy name is operator?
[audience laughing]
- George?
- Yes, dear.
- Will you sit on this please?
- What do you want me to do?
Hatch it?
- Neil.
[Neil barking]
Sit.
- Never mind, I'll do it.
- Where do you think you're going?
- On your honeymoon, of course.
- Where else?
- Oh, no you're not.
- You mean I'm wasting all
this energy for nothing?
- Oh, but Topper, you can't leave us alone
in this big house.
Besides,
Neil has never been on a honeymoon.
[Neil barking]
- Okay, stop boasting.
- I will not have my honeymoon spoiled
by a pack of snooping ghouls.
- George, are you gonna stand
there, let him insult me?
- Certainly when he's
through, I'll insult you.
- What's more, I want you to
give me your word of honor
that you won't leave the house.
- Topper, you sure you don't want us?
- Absolutely, positive.
- He's wavering.
- All right then.
If you get lonesome, don't send for us
because we won't come.
- [George] [cork pops] What
are you doing in there?
- Uh-oh, there goes your
anniversary present.
And it was the rarest
bottle in your cellar.
- Catch, Thelma.
- George, I'm going to be married.
- High time.
- It's the bold Biedermeier,
it's so buoyant.
There you are, Thelma.
- Good-bye.
- Have a wonderful trip.
- Bless you.
[springs springing]
- [George] Sorry, Topper.
We ran out of rice.
- Where did that come from?
- Well, it must have been a
horse out in the street, dear.
Lost a shoe.
[audience laughing]
Come on.
- Happy second honeymoon.
[train whistle blowing]
[wind howling]
[papers rustling]
[thunder rumbling]
[door slamming]
[knocking]
[thunder clapping]
- That's the same clerk
that was here in .
- So it is.
He's certainly in a rut.
- I wonder if he'll recognize us.
[knocking]
- Mr. and Mrs. Cosmo Topper.
- Remember us?
- Sure, the bridal suite.
You checking out?
- He does remember us.
- Well, where does he think
we've been for years?
In our rooms?
We have a reservation, the bridal suite.
- The bridal suite's taken
by a couple named Topper.
Good night.
- Hey, you there.
We were told by the lady who owns the inn,
Miss Loomis isn't it?
- That's her name.
- Why don't you come up and talk to me?
- I said that was her name.
I oughta know, I'm her uncle.
- I want to see Miss Loomis.
- What for?
She ain't much to look at.
- Cosmo, are you sure
we made a reservation?
- Well, of course I'm sure.
I reserved the bridal suite.
My name is Topper.
Mr. Cosmo Topper.
- Just a coincidence.
- Maybe we should go home.
- Why I wouldn't consider it.
We're gonna have a good
time, if it kills us.
Hey, you there.
- Mr. Topper?
- Oh yes?
- I'm Carrie Loomis.
- There seems to be some
confusion about our room.
- You have the bridal suite.
- But he said.
- Pay no attention to him.
Uncle Luke.
- You don't have to holler.
I ain't deaf.
Take Mr. and Mrs.
Topper's bags to room .
- Can't.
- Why not?
- I lost the key.
- It's right there in the box.
- You don't trust nobody.
[audience laughing]
[lively music]
[thunder banging]
[wind howling]
[audience laughing]
You can't bribe me.
- Well, I hope you'll be comfortable.
And if something should
happen during the night,
just call me.
- Cosmo, what did she mean by that?
- Not a thing, dear.
Just the usual precautions
in a first class hotel.
[thunder banging]
- It doesn't look the same, Cosmo.
- Nonsense, dear.
It's exactly the same, and so are we.
- Are we, dear?
- Absolutely.
Two young people, bright-eyed, in love,
facing life and fearing nothing.
[blind clipping]
[audience laughing]
Don't be alarmed, dear.
I'm here.
[audience applauding]
- Cosmo?
- Yes, dear?
- Can you sleep?
- No, dear.
- It's all my fault, Cosmo.
I should never have suggested coming here.
- No, no, it was me.
I made the reservation.
It's on my head.
- Anyhow, let's go home.
- I would have suggested that hours ago.
I thought you might be hurt.
- I felt the same way about hurting you.
- I'll call the office.
See if I can find out about the trains.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh confound that Luke.
He's probably asleep under his desk.
- Maybe you can find Miss Loomis.
- Oh, I can try.
- I'll get dressed and start packing.
[thunder banging]
Oh Cosmo, where are you?
- I'm here, dear.
George, Marion, are you here?
- Who are you talking to?
- I was just humming, dear,
whistling in the dark.
- This is no time to hum, Cosmo.
This place is haunted.
- I don't think so, dear.
No, self-respecting
ghost would haunt here.
You get back into bed.
I find out about the trains
and see what's wrong with the lights
and try and find Miss Loomis.
- Hurry back, dear.
[dramatic music]
[thunder banging]
- George?
Marion, if you're here, so help me out.
[thudding]
That's strange.
Nobody there.
- Where are you going?
- No where.
The lights aren't working.
The phone isn't working.
- Nothing's working, except
me and I think I'll quit.
[audience laughing]
- I'm sorry about the lights.
It's this storm.
I brought you candles.
- Miss Loomis, I'm afraid
we'll have to get back.
- Oh, please don't leave.
In the morning, everything
will be all right.
- Yes, I'm sure it will, but you see
my wife has just remembered
something she forgot.
- Even if you wanted to leave,
there's no train until morning.
No way to get at the station.
- What, but surely there must be.
- Good night, Mr. Topper.
Oh, they're on now.
You won't need these now.
[thunder banging]
[thunder banging]
- George, Marion.
It must be you.
[man laughing]
I don't see anything to laugh at.
[soft music]
- There, there, I heard it again.
- You're not getting psychic, are you?
- Of course not.
I know Topper needs us.
George, let's go.
- We gave him our word.
- I know, but suppose he's in trouble.
Oh George, I'm frightened.
[Neil barking]
- Knock it off you big ham.
[knocking]
- Who is it?
What do you want?
- Don't want nothing.
- Why did you come in here?
- Because it's four
o'clock, time to get up.
- Up?
- That's what I said.
Time to go fishing.
- Who wants to go fishing?
- You did, you asked me to wake you.
- We did nothing of the sort.
- You didn't?
Why I could have sworn
you wanted to go fishing.
- Well, we don't.
Cosmo.
- Now look here my good man.
- Not so loud.
You'll wake the people next door.
- But there aren't any people next door.
- Cosmo, how do you know?
- 'Cause I passed the
room and saw it was empty.
Now, for the last time.
- Oh, say that's a good one on me.
Here I was telling you not
to wake the people next door
and they're the ones
that wanna go fishing.
- I tell you there aren't any people.
- But they're great fisherman.
Catch fish every year.
Sometimes two or three.
- Cosmo, this awful place.
- I'll lock the door.
- [Uncle Luke] Charlie, Toby,
Phyllis, Annie, Purvis, Bob.
All right, time to go fishing
and wake the children.
- I thought you said there
was nobody next door.
- Well, they must've got
washed up in the storm.
I'll go out and see what's out there.
- Cosmo, don't leave me.
- Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
At least not for another years
[thunder banging]
Marion, George, it must be you.
If it isn't you, I wish it were.
- What is it darling?
- Having trouble, old man?
- Of all the double-dealing,
two-faced ghouls.
So it was you all the time.
- It wasn't me all the time.
- You deliberately came up
here after you promised.
- We only came because you called us.
- You mean you've only just arrived?
- Well, what does it look like?
- Ungrateful cuss.
Me risking pneumonia
to be here by your side
to help you come what may.
[man cackling]
- What was that?
- I thought it was you.
- Really, old man, have
we ever sounded like that?
- Then this place must be haunted.
- Oh no.
- That's a fine thing to do,
bring us to a haunted house.
- No, wait, George, I need you.
You can help me.
If there are ghosts about the place.
- They're obviously low class
and we'll have nothing to do with them.
- [Marion] George, take me home.
I'm scared.
- Coming, dear.
[knocking]
What was that?
- That's Henrietta.
She's scared too.
You don't see her deserting me.
- But we don't like ghosts.
- Except each other.
And Neil, of course.
- Besides what could we do?
- Well, you can stay here and look around
while I go and comfort Henrietta.
- Well, we've looked around.
You supposed we can go home now?
- We haven't looked in the closet yet.
- I was hoping you wouldn't notice that.
- Gotta look in the closet.
Only a coward would leave now.
Neil, look in the closet.
[audience laughing]
You wouldn't wanna draw straws, would you?
I didn't think you would.
Well.
Here goes.
[soft music]
[audience laughing]
Let me out of here.
- What is it now.
- There's a body in the closet.
- He's hanging there.
- Nonsense, it's probably an old coat.
- Yes, with a body in it.
- I don't believe it.
- Don't go, Topper, you won't like it.
[dramatic music]
[man cackling]
[man cackling]
[man cackling]
[man cackling]
Topper, where are you?
It's Topper, darling.
Oh, they k*lled him.
- Wait a minute, Topper
didn't have on a coat.
He had on a robe.
- They dressed him, then they k*lled him.
[woman screaming]
They're in there.
- Who's in where?
- The murderers.
[distorted cackling]
They're coming out.
Topper.
Is that you?
- I don't believe so.
- I don't get it.
- Nor do I.
But I think we will directly.
Come here.
- What for?
- There's a ventilator outlet here.
I want to know what and
who's at the other end.
Do you think you could do
dematerialize and slither down it?
- Well, I could.
The point is, would I?
[man cackling]
At least I can find out
what he's laughing about.
[man cackling]
Well, position A.
[distorted cackling]
Position B.
Well, here goes.
[audience laughing]
[man cackling]
- I believe George has landed.
- Did you see that Satan?
It must have plumb wore out.
Well, I've been playing
that laughing record for years anyway.
Let's see what else we got here.
- So that's what's been going on, huh?
An unsound sound man.
Well, we'll give him a
little of his own medicine.
It's hard to believe
your own eyes, isn't it?
[train whistle blowing]
- That coward, he's leaving town.
[train whistle blowing]
[train whistle blowing]
[lively music]
[thunder banging]
I could of swore I put
on that barnyard record.
The darn fools got the labels mixed.
[audience laughing]
- [George] Just a little
switcheroo, that's all.
- Did you see that, Satan?
I throw that record away and
it come back like a boomerang.
I guess it must be my Australian blood.
[audience laughing]
I had an aunt that was
a kangaroo, I think.
[Satan meowing]
[Uncle Luke laughing]
- [George] Nothing like a good
brisk walk in tight shoes.
[fog horn blaring]
[thunder clapping]
- Apparently, he's not leaving by train.
[fog horn blaring]
[fog horn blaring]
[fog horn blaring]
[fog horn blaring]
Chateaubriand .
[steam engine puffing]
It's a shame to waste this stuff.
This is the best shampoo
you ever had, you old toss.
- Who is, who done that?
Where are you?
[fog horn blaring]
[corks popping]
Let me out of here.
The place is haunted.
- Oh no!
Oh no!
What is it?
What's happening?
- Isn't a thing, Mrs. Topper.
Got back to bed.
You mustn't worry.
[Neil growling]
- Don't be frightened, dear.
We solved the mystery.
Come along.
[dramatic music]
Luke.
- Help, help, go away, leave me alone.
Help, help, leave me alone.
Go away.
Jerry, Gary has taken over me.
- What's the matter with you.
There's nothing there.
- I didn't mean no harm.
I'm just trying to scare the guests.
- [Mrs. Topper] But why
should he want to do that?
- Because he can't stand people.
[lively music]
- [Marion] Think we'll
catch anything, George?
- [George] We never have yet.
- I hate to see you go.
After all, you got rid of the ghosts.
Well, some of them.
[audience applauding]
[lively music]
- [announcer] A John W. Loveton,
Bernard L, Schubert production.
Produced by John W. Loveton.
Starring Anne Jeffreys, Robert
Sterling and Leo G. Carroll.
[lively music]
- [Narrator]
Anne Jeffreys as Marion Kerby,
the ghostess with the mostest.
Robert Sterling as George Kerby
that most sportive spirit.
Leo G. Carroll, host to said ghosts as
Topper.
- Oh, it was so romantic.
There's the inn where we stopped.
Wait, I guess there's nothing
quite like a honeymoon.
- George, do you remember your honeymoon?
- Yeah.
Only I can't remember who was with me.
- There's Cosmo.
It doesn't seem like years ago.
- Is it really that long?
- Next Thursday will be
our silver anniversary.
I hope Cosmo remembers.
- You always forget ours.
- I only forget it once a year.
- I wish we could go back there again.
- A second honeymoon.
- Oh, Thelma.
I wonder if Cosmo would take
me back for our anniversary.
- How do you like that?
She wants to go back to
the scene of her crime.
[audience laughing]
- I wish I could go with you.
- So do I, dear, but this is a honeymoon.
Oh! I feel like a girl again.
[doorbell chiming]
There, there's Cosmo now.
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing]
- Really Henrietta.
If you need extra postage,
I'd be glad to give it to you.
[audience laughing]
- Comfy, darling?
- Did you remember, Topper?
- Remember what?
- Remember what, what?
- What?
- He forgot.
- I just asked if he would comfy, dear.
- I think so.
Yes, I'm comfy.
- Are you comfy, darling?
- Oh perfectly comfy, dear.
- Cosmo, dear.
You weren't planning anything
for next Thursday, were you?
- Next Thursday?
- You know what next Thursday
is, don't you, Topper?
- He don't know what time it is.
- Yes, I'm afraid I have
something planned for Thursday.
- Topper, you vile man.
- What are you hitting me for?
I didn't forget anything.
- That's just in case you do.
Topper, you've got to break that date.
- I'm afraid I can't break it either.
- Unless?
- No, no,
it won't be necessary.
- I'm glad of that dear.
You see this date of
mine is rather important.
I'm taking a lady to dinner.
- Well, that's one to celebrate.
- George, be quiet.
- You needn't explain, Cosmo.
- Thank you, dear.
I didn't think you'd mind.
You see, I've known this
lady for quite a long time.
In fact, I've been living with her.
- What?
- For years on Thursday.
- Topper, darling, I love you.
- Oh Cosmo, aren't you
ashamed of yourself?
- Not in the least.
After all, we are married.
- You know very well what I mean.
Pretending you'd forgotten.
Where are you going to take me?
- Well, I don't know, dear.
I hadn't really thought.
- Now comes the strategy.
- Why, what's this?
- It's just an old album, dear.
- What's it doing here?
- It was planted there by your wife.
- Now, George don't make trouble.
- I didn't mention any names.
- Cosmo, it's filled with
pictures of our honeymoon.
Oh look, there's the inn where we stopped.
Oh Cosmo, the Black Swan.
Wouldn't you love to see it?
- Yes, I'm looking at it now, dear.
Very nice.
- Oh Cosmo.
I wonder if it is wonderful
now as it was then.
- I doubt it, Henrietta.
You know, it's been years.
A lot of wear and tear.
[Henrietta weeping]
Henrietta what is it?
Well, what did I say?
- Ask her.
- Don't you know?
- Why, I was just talking
about an old building.
- No, you weren't.
To Henrietta, you were
talking about your marriage.
She wants to forget about the
wear and tear such as it is.
She wants to go on a second honeymoon.
- Oh, why didn't she say so?
- She wants you to ask her.
It's not too late, Topper.
- Oh all right, if that's what she wants.
- Wait, Topper.
Make a reservation at the
inn and then tell her.
Make her think you're longing to go.
That it was your idea rather than hers.
- Woman, thy name is operator?
[audience laughing]
- George?
- Yes, dear.
- Will you sit on this please?
- What do you want me to do?
Hatch it?
- Neil.
[Neil barking]
Sit.
- Never mind, I'll do it.
- Where do you think you're going?
- On your honeymoon, of course.
- Where else?
- Oh, no you're not.
- You mean I'm wasting all
this energy for nothing?
- Oh, but Topper, you can't leave us alone
in this big house.
Besides,
Neil has never been on a honeymoon.
[Neil barking]
- Okay, stop boasting.
- I will not have my honeymoon spoiled
by a pack of snooping ghouls.
- George, are you gonna stand
there, let him insult me?
- Certainly when he's
through, I'll insult you.
- What's more, I want you to
give me your word of honor
that you won't leave the house.
- Topper, you sure you don't want us?
- Absolutely, positive.
- He's wavering.
- All right then.
If you get lonesome, don't send for us
because we won't come.
- [George] [cork pops] What
are you doing in there?
- Uh-oh, there goes your
anniversary present.
And it was the rarest
bottle in your cellar.
- Catch, Thelma.
- George, I'm going to be married.
- High time.
- It's the bold Biedermeier,
it's so buoyant.
There you are, Thelma.
- Good-bye.
- Have a wonderful trip.
- Bless you.
[springs springing]
- [George] Sorry, Topper.
We ran out of rice.
- Where did that come from?
- Well, it must have been a
horse out in the street, dear.
Lost a shoe.
[audience laughing]
Come on.
- Happy second honeymoon.
[train whistle blowing]
[wind howling]
[papers rustling]
[thunder rumbling]
[door slamming]
[knocking]
[thunder clapping]
- That's the same clerk
that was here in .
- So it is.
He's certainly in a rut.
- I wonder if he'll recognize us.
[knocking]
- Mr. and Mrs. Cosmo Topper.
- Remember us?
- Sure, the bridal suite.
You checking out?
- He does remember us.
- Well, where does he think
we've been for years?
In our rooms?
We have a reservation, the bridal suite.
- The bridal suite's taken
by a couple named Topper.
Good night.
- Hey, you there.
We were told by the lady who owns the inn,
Miss Loomis isn't it?
- That's her name.
- Why don't you come up and talk to me?
- I said that was her name.
I oughta know, I'm her uncle.
- I want to see Miss Loomis.
- What for?
She ain't much to look at.
- Cosmo, are you sure
we made a reservation?
- Well, of course I'm sure.
I reserved the bridal suite.
My name is Topper.
Mr. Cosmo Topper.
- Just a coincidence.
- Maybe we should go home.
- Why I wouldn't consider it.
We're gonna have a good
time, if it kills us.
Hey, you there.
- Mr. Topper?
- Oh yes?
- I'm Carrie Loomis.
- There seems to be some
confusion about our room.
- You have the bridal suite.
- But he said.
- Pay no attention to him.
Uncle Luke.
- You don't have to holler.
I ain't deaf.
Take Mr. and Mrs.
Topper's bags to room .
- Can't.
- Why not?
- I lost the key.
- It's right there in the box.
- You don't trust nobody.
[audience laughing]
[lively music]
[thunder banging]
[wind howling]
[audience laughing]
You can't bribe me.
- Well, I hope you'll be comfortable.
And if something should
happen during the night,
just call me.
- Cosmo, what did she mean by that?
- Not a thing, dear.
Just the usual precautions
in a first class hotel.
[thunder banging]
- It doesn't look the same, Cosmo.
- Nonsense, dear.
It's exactly the same, and so are we.
- Are we, dear?
- Absolutely.
Two young people, bright-eyed, in love,
facing life and fearing nothing.
[blind clipping]
[audience laughing]
Don't be alarmed, dear.
I'm here.
[audience applauding]
- Cosmo?
- Yes, dear?
- Can you sleep?
- No, dear.
- It's all my fault, Cosmo.
I should never have suggested coming here.
- No, no, it was me.
I made the reservation.
It's on my head.
- Anyhow, let's go home.
- I would have suggested that hours ago.
I thought you might be hurt.
- I felt the same way about hurting you.
- I'll call the office.
See if I can find out about the trains.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh confound that Luke.
He's probably asleep under his desk.
- Maybe you can find Miss Loomis.
- Oh, I can try.
- I'll get dressed and start packing.
[thunder banging]
Oh Cosmo, where are you?
- I'm here, dear.
George, Marion, are you here?
- Who are you talking to?
- I was just humming, dear,
whistling in the dark.
- This is no time to hum, Cosmo.
This place is haunted.
- I don't think so, dear.
No, self-respecting
ghost would haunt here.
You get back into bed.
I find out about the trains
and see what's wrong with the lights
and try and find Miss Loomis.
- Hurry back, dear.
[dramatic music]
[thunder banging]
- George?
Marion, if you're here, so help me out.
[thudding]
That's strange.
Nobody there.
- Where are you going?
- No where.
The lights aren't working.
The phone isn't working.
- Nothing's working, except
me and I think I'll quit.
[audience laughing]
- I'm sorry about the lights.
It's this storm.
I brought you candles.
- Miss Loomis, I'm afraid
we'll have to get back.
- Oh, please don't leave.
In the morning, everything
will be all right.
- Yes, I'm sure it will, but you see
my wife has just remembered
something she forgot.
- Even if you wanted to leave,
there's no train until morning.
No way to get at the station.
- What, but surely there must be.
- Good night, Mr. Topper.
Oh, they're on now.
You won't need these now.
[thunder banging]
[thunder banging]
- George, Marion.
It must be you.
[man laughing]
I don't see anything to laugh at.
[soft music]
- There, there, I heard it again.
- You're not getting psychic, are you?
- Of course not.
I know Topper needs us.
George, let's go.
- We gave him our word.
- I know, but suppose he's in trouble.
Oh George, I'm frightened.
[Neil barking]
- Knock it off you big ham.
[knocking]
- Who is it?
What do you want?
- Don't want nothing.
- Why did you come in here?
- Because it's four
o'clock, time to get up.
- Up?
- That's what I said.
Time to go fishing.
- Who wants to go fishing?
- You did, you asked me to wake you.
- We did nothing of the sort.
- You didn't?
Why I could have sworn
you wanted to go fishing.
- Well, we don't.
Cosmo.
- Now look here my good man.
- Not so loud.
You'll wake the people next door.
- But there aren't any people next door.
- Cosmo, how do you know?
- 'Cause I passed the
room and saw it was empty.
Now, for the last time.
- Oh, say that's a good one on me.
Here I was telling you not
to wake the people next door
and they're the ones
that wanna go fishing.
- I tell you there aren't any people.
- But they're great fisherman.
Catch fish every year.
Sometimes two or three.
- Cosmo, this awful place.
- I'll lock the door.
- [Uncle Luke] Charlie, Toby,
Phyllis, Annie, Purvis, Bob.
All right, time to go fishing
and wake the children.
- I thought you said there
was nobody next door.
- Well, they must've got
washed up in the storm.
I'll go out and see what's out there.
- Cosmo, don't leave me.
- Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
At least not for another years
[thunder banging]
Marion, George, it must be you.
If it isn't you, I wish it were.
- What is it darling?
- Having trouble, old man?
- Of all the double-dealing,
two-faced ghouls.
So it was you all the time.
- It wasn't me all the time.
- You deliberately came up
here after you promised.
- We only came because you called us.
- You mean you've only just arrived?
- Well, what does it look like?
- Ungrateful cuss.
Me risking pneumonia
to be here by your side
to help you come what may.
[man cackling]
- What was that?
- I thought it was you.
- Really, old man, have
we ever sounded like that?
- Then this place must be haunted.
- Oh no.
- That's a fine thing to do,
bring us to a haunted house.
- No, wait, George, I need you.
You can help me.
If there are ghosts about the place.
- They're obviously low class
and we'll have nothing to do with them.
- [Marion] George, take me home.
I'm scared.
- Coming, dear.
[knocking]
What was that?
- That's Henrietta.
She's scared too.
You don't see her deserting me.
- But we don't like ghosts.
- Except each other.
And Neil, of course.
- Besides what could we do?
- Well, you can stay here and look around
while I go and comfort Henrietta.
- Well, we've looked around.
You supposed we can go home now?
- We haven't looked in the closet yet.
- I was hoping you wouldn't notice that.
- Gotta look in the closet.
Only a coward would leave now.
Neil, look in the closet.
[audience laughing]
You wouldn't wanna draw straws, would you?
I didn't think you would.
Well.
Here goes.
[soft music]
[audience laughing]
Let me out of here.
- What is it now.
- There's a body in the closet.
- He's hanging there.
- Nonsense, it's probably an old coat.
- Yes, with a body in it.
- I don't believe it.
- Don't go, Topper, you won't like it.
[dramatic music]
[man cackling]
[man cackling]
[man cackling]
[man cackling]
Topper, where are you?
It's Topper, darling.
Oh, they k*lled him.
- Wait a minute, Topper
didn't have on a coat.
He had on a robe.
- They dressed him, then they k*lled him.
[woman screaming]
They're in there.
- Who's in where?
- The murderers.
[distorted cackling]
They're coming out.
Topper.
Is that you?
- I don't believe so.
- I don't get it.
- Nor do I.
But I think we will directly.
Come here.
- What for?
- There's a ventilator outlet here.
I want to know what and
who's at the other end.
Do you think you could do
dematerialize and slither down it?
- Well, I could.
The point is, would I?
[man cackling]
At least I can find out
what he's laughing about.
[man cackling]
Well, position A.
[distorted cackling]
Position B.
Well, here goes.
[audience laughing]
[man cackling]
- I believe George has landed.
- Did you see that Satan?
It must have plumb wore out.
Well, I've been playing
that laughing record for years anyway.
Let's see what else we got here.
- So that's what's been going on, huh?
An unsound sound man.
Well, we'll give him a
little of his own medicine.
It's hard to believe
your own eyes, isn't it?
[train whistle blowing]
- That coward, he's leaving town.
[train whistle blowing]
[train whistle blowing]
[lively music]
[thunder banging]
I could of swore I put
on that barnyard record.
The darn fools got the labels mixed.
[audience laughing]
- [George] Just a little
switcheroo, that's all.
- Did you see that, Satan?
I throw that record away and
it come back like a boomerang.
I guess it must be my Australian blood.
[audience laughing]
I had an aunt that was
a kangaroo, I think.
[Satan meowing]
[Uncle Luke laughing]
- [George] Nothing like a good
brisk walk in tight shoes.
[fog horn blaring]
[thunder clapping]
- Apparently, he's not leaving by train.
[fog horn blaring]
[fog horn blaring]
[fog horn blaring]
[fog horn blaring]
Chateaubriand .
[steam engine puffing]
It's a shame to waste this stuff.
This is the best shampoo
you ever had, you old toss.
- Who is, who done that?
Where are you?
[fog horn blaring]
[corks popping]
Let me out of here.
The place is haunted.
- Oh no!
Oh no!
What is it?
What's happening?
- Isn't a thing, Mrs. Topper.
Got back to bed.
You mustn't worry.
[Neil growling]
- Don't be frightened, dear.
We solved the mystery.
Come along.
[dramatic music]
Luke.
- Help, help, go away, leave me alone.
Help, help, leave me alone.
Go away.
Jerry, Gary has taken over me.
- What's the matter with you.
There's nothing there.
- I didn't mean no harm.
I'm just trying to scare the guests.
- [Mrs. Topper] But why
should he want to do that?
- Because he can't stand people.
[lively music]
- [Marion] Think we'll
catch anything, George?
- [George] We never have yet.
- I hate to see you go.
After all, you got rid of the ghosts.
Well, some of them.
[audience applauding]
[lively music]
- [announcer] A John W. Loveton,
Bernard L, Schubert production.
Produced by John W. Loveton.
Starring Anne Jeffreys, Robert
Sterling and Leo G. Carroll.
[lively music]