(Tom)
'Well, well, well, Nicholas'
'I have an extremely
interesting hand'
so I'm warning you
to be careful.
It is your bet. What do you do?
I bet one licorice.
You're only opening
for one licorice?
You must have a very weak hand.
So I will see that bet
of one licorice
and I will raise you
five lemon and lime.
I see your five lemon and limes
and raise you all these.
You're raising all of those?
Aha!
I get it, you must be bluffing.
Well, I'm going to see that bet
because you cannot bluff
a bluffer.
So in the future,
young man, beware--
Dad, can you b*at
a straight flush?
A straight flush?
Well..
What..
Why did you only open
for one licorice
with a straight flush?
- You hate licorice.
- I was bluffing.
No, no, no,
nobody bluffs on a good hand.
But that's what makes
a great bluffer.
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic
in the early morning ♪
♪ We found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪
♪ On everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright and shiny
new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives ♪
♪ With love ♪♪
(Tom)
'Baloney, salami'
'a little Virginia ham'
'just a touch of liverwurst'
and a slice of slightly aged
Wisconsin cheddar.
Hm, hey, you're sure it's okay
for me to play
in the poker game?
Oh, yes, of course.
Max is bringing a new man too.
- You will be perfectly welcome.
- Good.
Oh, boy, I cannot wait
to see the guys' faces
when they see these things
of beauty that I've prepared.
[hiccups]
[sighs]
You know, you have
a very peculiar way, Abby
of admiring
my culinary expertise.
Oh, Tom, I'm sorry.
It's-it's not your sandwiches.
It's, it's just that, well,
I've been doing this
on and off all day
and I just can't seem
to shake these...hiccups.
Oh, well, then
why didn't you say something?
What you need is the patented
Bradford family cure.
- A family cure.
- Oh, yes.
Now what you do,
watch me closely.
First, you take a deep breath.
Then you--
Tom, I've tried
holding my breath.
Yeah, but have you tried
sticking your fingers
in your ears?
- 'What?'
- Like this.
[laughs]
[hiccups]
You know, it may look funny
but it's
the only surefire method
for hiccup relief.
Hm.
(man on radio)
'So we've moved to the top
of the force with the Cyclones'
'holding on to a three
nothing lead over Modesto.'
'So far, Merle "The Pearl"'
'has had them eating
out of his hands'
'mixing his pitches well.'
I thought I heard the game.
How's Merle doing?
Oh, he's pitching shutout ball.
- Why do you look so worried?
- I'm not worried. Panicked.
Oh, Mary, I've gone through
everything at my place
plus halfway through these
and I still can't find
anything to wear.
- Susan, where are you going?
- Oh, to meet Linda Mae.
- Linda who?
- Stockwell.
Merle's sister
from Siloam Springs.
'Oh, right.'
She's coming
to spend a week with us
and I really wanna make
the right impression on her.
Oh, I was wondering
when they were gonna send
someone to check out
the new in-laws.
Yeah, well, it's tonight and
since Merle's pitching Modesto
I have to meet her bus,
take her back to our place
and entertain her
until Merle gets home.
- When do we get to meet her?
- 'Not for a couple of days.'
I want her to get used to me
before I subject her
to the entire
Bradford menagerie.
Oh, come on, Susan,
you know she's gonna love you.
Oh, come on, Mary,
what do I have in common
with a country girl
from Arkansas?
A country boy named Merle.
[sighs]
Pick a card, any card.
Okay, hotshot.
- What is it?
- Queen of diamonds.
Hey, that was pretty good.
How did you do it?
Easy. The cards are marked.
Yeah? Where did you get 'em?
Well, I traded Kenny P. Landers
my ice skates for the cards
and ta-da, Boris!
Hey, he's pretty neat.
Let's here him talk.
Well, I'm not good at it.
My lips move.
Well, what do you expect?
I mean, it takes a long time
and a lot of practice
to learn how to be
a ventriloquist.
It's uh,
it's like playing guitar.
Yeah, but I feel funny
talking to myself.
Well, I read once
that the secret of ventriloquism
is to make-believe
that the dummy's a real person.
Like who?
Well, who does he remind you of?
Kenny P. Landers.
Then make him talk like Kenny P.
Only, uh, don't do it
around dad.
Oh, here, these will be great.
Give you that extra
little panache.
Yup. Take a look.
Oh, Joannie,
so far I've stubbed two toes
bruised an ankle
and skinned my knee.
Let's just face the facts, huh?
I'm not cut-out
to be a stripper.
Oh, no, Nance, I know it's hard
but Chips requires
six chorus girls.
The rep company only has five.
You don't want me to blow it
as a choreographer, do you?
Well, then why don't you just
get Elizabeth to be number six?
After all, she is the dancer
of the family.
Believe me, I would have
if I could have.
She's got a cold.
Well, I can't learn
these steps by Sunday.
Oh, Sunday?
You gotta learn 'em by tonight.
- Tonight?
- Yes.
The rest of the girls
are coming over
for dress rehearsal.
- Dress rehearsal?
- Well, you're right.
Maybe in this play,
it's undress rehearsal.
Hi, Ab, ready to go
to the movies?
Sorry, I didn't get that.
- I can't go, I've got the..
- Hiccups.
I just can't seem
to get rid of 'em.
Have you tried putting your head
under cold water?
- Oh.
- My cards.
- I can't find my cards.
- What?
The poker game
starts in one hour
and I can't find
a deck of cards.
Oh, well,
the last time I looked
there's a deck of cards
in the armoire.
Oh, thanks.
[sneezes]
- Oh, hi, Janet.
- 'Oh, hi.'
Um, Abby, uh, you're the last
one I have to ask my favor to.
What favor?
Well, I have a chance
to raise my poli sci grade
if everyone promises
to stay off the phone tonight.
How will everybody
staying off the phone
help your poli sci grade?
Well, see, Cathy Bilton and I
are doing a paper,
Predictive Results
for the local elections today
'and we are both
supposed to go down'
'to voting headquarters tonight'
'but, uh,
I got this stupid cold'
so poor Cathy has to go down
there by herself.
She's gonna call every time
a precinct comes in
and I'm gonna match the real
results to our predictions.
We picked some real dark horses.
Great, well, you can count on us
'cause we're going
to the movies.
We are?
As soon as we get rid
of your hiccups.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, Tommy.
Tommy, wait a minute.
Yes, dad?
Uh, am I having a nightmare
or are you really dressed
like that?
Oh. Uh, it-it's the new image
for our band, dad.
'We dress
like a motorcycle g*ng'
and we're changing our name
to the Wild Rebels.
Wonderful. What are you
rebelling against?
Lack of gigs.
Later.
Nicholas.
No consideration.
Okay, straight hem.
Dress is pressed,
bow is tied.
Turn around.
You know, if I do say so myself
we put together
a pretty good outfit.
Well, it's not exactly Halston,
but I guess it will do.
I hope so, gracious.
(man on radio)
'Wheels and deals.'
'And there's a line drive
back to the boundary, look out!'
'Oh, Merle The Pearl is down!'
'Can't tell where it hit him,
but it looks bad from up here.'
'Teammates gathered
around him on the mound.'
'Manager, Eddie Gravis,
is out there.'
'And the Cyclones' trainer now
is hunched over Stockwell.'
'And, wait, now Gravis
is waving to the dugout.'
Mary, I've got to get to him.
Alright, Susan, call first.
It might not be that serious.
(man on radio)
'But since he got stung
by that line sh*t'
'I've got the feeling,
he maybe un..'
Oh, Mary, I don't get this. No
one's answering at the stadium.
Now maybe they took him
to a hospital.
Well, which hospital
would they take him to?
[sighs]
P-probably Metropolitan.
Okay, I will call you
as soon as I find anything out.
Oh, Linda Mae!
Mary, could you get her for me?
Oh, Susan, I have
a cardiopulmonary study group
in an hour, I mean. We get
issued our CPR dummies tonight.
Please, Mary,
I've got to get to Merle.
Okay, look, I can do both
but I'm not gonna have time
to guest-sit.
Well, just drop her off,
there's plenty of people here
to keep her company.
- Okay.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
Okay, go.
Oh, you better hurry, her bus
arrives in about a half hour.
Will you stop worrying?
I'll get her!
Don't tell 'em
anything about Merle.
I don't want her to get worried.
I promise, nobody knows
anything about Merle
until you get back.
Okay, thanks, Mary,
you're the greatest.
Bye.
(woman on PA system)
'The San Francisco Express is
arriving at ramp number three.'
'We apologize again
for the delay.'
No, mama,
I'm not over at Merle's.
I'm at
the Sacramento bus station.
Merle and his bride
haven't come to pick me up yet
and it's kind of scary.
Oh, the ride was terrible, mama.
It was even worse
than that other bus trip I had.
You remember, my senior class
trip to Little Rock
and I was so nervous,
I got the hives?
[sighs]
Oh, mama, I can't relax.
Um, you know, I wasn't
the person to send out here
to see what Merle
got himself into.
I mean, I mean,
I can tell already
this isn't the kind of life
I'm used to.
I know, I know, I know.
I know,
it's a family obligation.
Yes, mama.
Okay, I'll do my best.
I will, I'll really try.
(woman on PA)
'Will Miss Linda Mae Stockwell'
'please report to the ticket
counter for a message?'
Oh, mama, listen,
they're calling for me. Yeah.
It, it must be Merle
and his bride, uh-huh.
I'll call you back later, okay?
Okay, bye-bye, mama.
[indistinct announcement on PA]
Excuse me,
a-are you answering the page
for the Linda Mae Stockwell?
Why, yes, yes, I'm Linda Mae.
Oh, I'm glad to meet you. I-I'm
Mary Bradford, Susan's sister.
Oh! Oh, ah, yes, I..
I remember you from the wedding
pictures Merle sent us.
Well, uh, welcome to Sacramento.
Oh, thanks,
it's nice to be here finally.
Listen, Mary,
how come Merle and-and Susan
didn't come out to meet me?
Oh, uh, well, Mer..
Uh, Merle's pitching
at Modesto tonight when, uh..
Well, they knew I was coming,
didn't they?
Oh, yes, Linda, they knew,
they knew you were coming.
It's just that, well, see,
Susan had to go someplace, so..
I-i-it was a very unexpected
someplace and..
Oh, it was a real
important someplace.
Well, see, she had to take care
of a sick friend.
- Oh. Yeah, I see, okay.
- Oh, that's good.
Um, but anyway y-you're just
gonna love meeting
all your new relatives,
so why don't we go?
- Okay.
- I'm glad you made it.
Okay.
[motorbikes revving]
Who are they?
Oh, them?
That's just the g*ng
my brother plays with.
- Oh.
- Come on.
(Tom)
'I don't believe it!
I pulled an inside straight!'
Do you have to gloat
over every hand you win?
Oh, you don't understand,
Mr. Harris.
I hardly ever win like this.
Well, I maybe new to this game,
but I'm not new to poker.
The night is young and anything
can happen on a deal.
Well, welcome
to home sweet home.
[chuckles]
[indistinct chatter]
What is going on in there?
That's just the poker game.
You mean gambling?
Not the way they play it.
Look, Linda, I'm really sorry
but I've got to get my books
and get to class.
- I-I'm really running late.
- Oh, okay.
Uh, listen, would you mind
if I borrowed your telephone?
I promised my mama
I'd keep in touch.
Oh, well, sure,
but if I were you
I'd grab it while you still
have a dial tone.
My sister Elizabeth
is gonna keep it pretty busy
later checking
on her dark horses.
Horses?
- 'Hello, you little lovelies.'
- 'Oh..'
Hey, daddy must be having
a pretty good night.
Uh, excuse me, Linda Mae,
but I, uh
I promise, as soon as I can,
I'll send someone right down
to, uh, introduce you
to everybody.
(Tom)
'I can't believe it..'
'Take my money.'
[indistinct chatter]
[Abby hiccups]
'No more, no more.'
[hiccups]
- 'No, no, no--'
- 'Yes, yes, yes.'
- No! No.
- No, it's okay, it's okay.
This is guaranteed to work.
I know a judge who uses it.
Oh, Janet, I think I've had
a little too much alre--
Down the hatch.
Come on.
[hiccups]
[laughs]
Oh, Nicholas, you're just
the person I wanted to see.
- I am?
- Hm.
[indistinct chatter]
(Mary)
Linda Mae! Nicholas.
You're really gonna like me
helping out..
Oh, this is my brother Nicholas.
Oh, howdy?
Uh, Nicholas, this is, uh,
Merle's sister, Linda Mae.
Can you play baseball
like Merle?
- Oh, I'm afraid not, Nicholas.
- Oh, that's okay.
Since you're Merle's sister
and all, well, glad to meet ya.
Glad to meet you, too, Nicholas.
[chuckles]
That's good.
Now, uh, look, Nicholas will
introduce you to everybody
um, right?
Okay, have a good time, bye-bye.
Wait a minute, I have somebody
I want you to meet right now.
[indistinct chatter]
Hello, mama, it's me.
No, no, I'm not over at Merle's.
I'm over at the in-laws.
Well..
Well, I have to tell you, mama
they're a little different.
Well, let's just say
they're not exactly
the kind of people
you could take to a church
social in Siloam Springs.
Oh, no, mama,
I don't mean that, I'm..
I'm sure
they're real nice folks.
You know, I'm, I just met
the little fellow, Nicholas
and, and he seems real nice
and normal.
(Nicholas)
'Hello!'
[breathing heavily]
Uh..
Mama, I gotta go
but maybe you better
stay by the phone tonight
just in case.
Bye-bye.
Boris, this is Linda Mae.
Linda Mae, this is Boris.
How do you do, Boris?
It's nice to meet you.
Hey, Nicholas,
was that you on the phone?
You know I'm expecting
important results.
Oh, hey, that was my fault.
I was tying up the line.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, uh, that's okay.
I'm Linda Mae Stockwell,
Merle's sister.
(Elizabeth)
'Oh. Oh, hi. Um, I'm Elizabeth.'
(Linda Mae)
'Hello.'
Stay away from her.
She's full of germ.
[laughs]
Excuse me, Nicholas.
- Elizabeth.
- Yeah?
Is he normal?
Oh. For a Bradford, yeah.
[telephone rings]
Excuse me.
Cathy? Okay, sh**t.
What? A ten-to-one sh*t
and we picked it?
'Well, that's, um..
Hold on a second, okay?'
'Um, Nicholas, why, why don't
you take Linda Mae upstairs'
'so she can freshen up?'
Oh, no, no. That's, that's okay.
I can find my way just fine.
Thank you.
Okay, um, how did
they finish in the fourth?
Wow, that's great! He what?
I'm glad. He'll make
a great councilman. Oh.
Oh.
Give it to me straight, doc.
Ah, you're fine
but in the future,
I would advice you
to stay out of the way
of those line drives.
[laughs]
Will do, doc.
But for now,
there's nothing keeping you
from getting dressed
and out of here.
Hey, wait, y-you mean
I can go back
to Sacramento tonight?
Yeah, the team bus will be here
in a couple of minutes.
[laughs]
Thank you.
Oh, oh, oh, doc, uh,
one more thing, uh..
Who won?
Well, you did, five zip.
Alright.
Nancy, come on.
Where's your energy?
Where is your watch?
Do you realize
we worked right through dinner?
I'll faint if I don't get
any nourishment.
Nourishment is for later.
Now it is work,
work, work, okay.
Alright.
[jazz music]
(Joannie)
'Come on Nancy, it'll be
dynamite. You just relax.'
(Nancy)
'If I were any more relaxed,
I'd be asleep.'
(Joannie)
'Oh, no, come on,
have fun with it.'
Hey, that's great.
Right, now really sell yourself.
Oh.
(Joannie)
'Right, hey Nancy,
go for it, woo!'
'What a way
to make a living.'
[sighs]
[rock music]
What's wrong?
Well, can't you hear it, man?
My amp's screamin' again.
So, it's just the sound
we need.
Ernie, you don't understand.
With each scream,
it could be its last.
- Oh.
- Man, this is a drag.
What we really need
is a new equipment.
But we can't afford
new equipment
until we get some gigs.
Well, I guarantee
that with these new threads
we'll get the gigs.
Ernie, I don't know, man.
It's a toss-up.
I mean, we may end up
with some extra nights
at some nightclubs
or something
but we're leaving ourselves
totally out of the market
for weddings and retirement
parties and bar mitzvahs.
Trust me, Bradford.
This is definitely
our ideal look.
Yeah, well, a look isn't
anything without a sound.
Why don't you guys take five?
I'll see
if I can fix this thing.
Hey, I'm in
for one little white.
[clears throat]
Well, your little white
and two more little whites.
I'm out. Anybody want
anything from the kitchen?
Yeah, I'll have a beer,
I might as well get
something for my money.
(Tom)
'Alright, read 'em and weep.'
Hey, I thought you guys
were goin' to the movies.
(Abby)
We were.
I'm afraid
Abby still has her hiccups.
I am sorry.
- 'How are you doing?'
- Well, not as well as dad.
Hey, Janet, can I talk
to you for a second?
Look, go upstairs
and tell Joannie
that Abby needs
her special hiccup cure.
But, David,
she's had so many already.
Trust me, this one will work.
[laughs]
Are you sure we need to do thi--
You heard what Janet said
there's no other answer.
Yes, but this is insane.
It's better than letting
her go on suffering.
Now you just go up and lie down
and I'm sure
you'll be fine in no time.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Here she comes.
[Abby screams]
- Did I just hear a scream?
- Probably.
You're gonna do something
about it?
If you insist.
Nicholas, stop screaming.
Oh...see.
There's nothing like a good
scare to cure you of the..
...hiccups.
Oh, mama, how am I
gonna get out of here?
[indistinct chatter]
I could swear there was
a screwdriver in there.
Bradford,
you're working too hard.
- Let me fix the amp.
- Are you kidding?
You can't even hang up
the phone without two tries.
[sighs]
Huh?
Could anybody help
a damsel in distress?
Oh, yeah, sure.
- Hey, she's kinda cute.
- Yeah, what's she for?
I'm practicing
cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
- Oh, sorry I asked.
- You know, mouth to mouth?
- Sounds like fun.
- Yeah. Where's she goin'?
Oh, upstairs. I have to practice
my chest pounding.
Now that really sounds like fun.
Really? Come on, dummy.
- Ernie, grab the legs.
- Thanks, Ernie.
(Ernie)
'Man, she sure is heavy.'
You take it easy. This is a
valuable piece of merchandise.
What's the big deal?
She can't feel any pain anyway.
Just take it easy.
Put her down on the bed, okay?
Oh, that poor woman.
- Thanks a lot, guys, really.
- Don't mention it.
If you need any more help,
I'm your willing servant.
[grunts]
[door slams]
- Nicholas, don't slam the door.
- Hey, it might be Tommy.
Well, whoever it is, they're
spoiling my concentration.
Can I take five?
Mom, and they're gamblers!
Yes, ga..
And they're drinkers, mama.
They're ladies
of the evenin', mama.
I even think
they committed a m*rder!
Yes!
I am tellin' the truth, mama.
I swear I am.
I saw the body!
I don't..
Gee, are you willing
to take that chance?
What do you think
they've done to Merle by now?
No!
Alright. Okay, okay, okay.
Alright.
It's what I got to do.
Alright. I'll do it.
Okay, goodbye.
Operator?
Operator, could you get me
the police, please?
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
I'm Mrs. Merle Stockwell.
Is my husband brought here?
I'll see
if we have him registered.
Okay.
Yes, there was
a Merle Stockwell.
But according to this, he was
released minutes ago.
He's gone?
Does that mean he's okay?
I'm sorry.
I just came on duty.
You'd have to talk
to his attending physician.
- Oh, where's he?
- In surgery.
Oh, isn't there anything
you can tell me, please?
Well, it says here that
it was a possible concussion.
But since he was discharged,
he's either fine or..
Or what?
Or he's been sent back
to Sacramento for more tests.
Sacramento?
'If you'd like to wait,
I'm sure the doctor'
'will be out of surgery
in an hour.'
Gentlemen, I love the feel
of chips between my fingers.
That is your fourth pot
in a row.
I can't believe
your luck, dad.
Neither can I.
Well, I guess Dr. Max is still
consulting Abby on her hiccups.
- It's your deal, dad.
- Alright.
This will be draw poker.
Nothing wild but the dealer.
- Uh-huh.
- What?
Uh-huh.
- Yes, indeed.
- Is it that bad?
It is a very serious case
of singultus.
- What?
- Hiccups.
Oh, thanks a lot. I figured
that one out by myself.
[coughs]
Excuse me.
Oh, hey,
maybe this will help you.
Dr. Max, when did you start
carrying a flask?
It's only cough medicine.
Then why do you carry it
in a flask?
Cough syrup at a poker game?
I do have an image to maintain.
[laughs]
Oh, no, thanks,
I think I'll pass.
But if my hiccups suddenly turn
into a cough, I'll let you know.
Well, keep it in case
you change your mind.
I've gotta get back
down to the game
before your husband
wipes everybody out.
- You mean he's winning?
- Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?
If I didn't know him better,
I'd swear he was cheating!
[hiccups]
Right. I'll see you later.
Oh, Nicholas,
where's Linda Mae?
She's asking you
a question, dummy!
Put that thing down
and talk to me.
- Now where is Linda-Mae?
- I don't know.
She's gotta be around here
someplace, I think.
Well, I-I didn't know
what else to do
so I ran out of the house
and I called the police
and there were motorcycles
in the driveway
and there were fancy women
and there was gambling
and all kinds of carrying-on
in that house.
- Are you positive about this?
- Cross my heart.
(male #)
'Okay, ma'am, let's go
check out your complaint.'
(Linda Mae)
'Okay.'
- Are you feeling better?
- Oh, yeah.
I really appreciate you
keeping me company, Janet.
It's just that, well, all these
cures have made me so sleepy.
That's okay.
David will be finished soon.
I'll just go see what Joanie
and Nancy are up to.
Okay. Thank you for helping me
with the hiccups.
Well, I am sure
that a good night's sleep
will rid you of them
once and for all.
Oh, I hope so.
- Goodnight.
- 'Night.'
[jazz music]
Nancy, would you please try
to remember the count?
I am trying.
Come on, we have to start
from the beginning.
Oh, no.
- How's it goin'?
- Oh, not too well.
The other girls are gonna
be here any minute
and she's got two left feet!
Well, the room's too small,
my dress is too tight.
- What do you expect?
- Coordination?
Okay, Ginger Rogers,
get yourself another girl!
Oh, Nancy! Oh, no, no, no, no!
Nancy, please come back! Nancy!
Oh, what am I gonna do?
- Janet.
- Oh, no.
- Janet, yes, yes!
- I can't!
Yes! No, no, no, you can! I'll
teach you everything. Please?
Well, it isn't often a lawyer
gets to strut her stuff!
Yeah!
- Am I crazy?
- Yeah. Alright.
Hey, listen, Bradford
we're gonna hit Frankie's
Fish-N-Chips. You wanna come?
Oh, no, I'm gonna take
this thing upstairs
and try and get it fixed.
- Okay. Catch you later.
- Yeah, later.
See you later.
Tommy, have you seen Linda Mae?
- Linda Mae who?
- Stockwell. Merle's sister?
- I didn't even know he had one.
- Oh, he's got one, alright.
- But I can't figure out where.
- Oh.
Yeah, this is the place.
'You wouldn't believe
all the unspeakable things'
'goin' on in that house.'
Yes, ma'am.
We can't enter the premises
without a search warrant.
Only if we're certain
something illegal is happening.
But there's somebody
being m*rder*d in there.
I saw it with my own two eyes!
We need some more
solid evidence.
Stop them! They're the ones
that hid the body!
(Tom)
'Alright, Max, well, you open.'
(Max)
Don't rush me. I'm thinking!
Okay.
I will open
for one little blue-sy.
I'll see your little bluesy
and raise you
two little bluesies.
Alright. I will,
uh, see that bet
and I will raise it
two more blues.
- He's got four aces!
- No, he's got three fours!
- What did you say?
- I said he's got three fours.
And you got two kings
and two sixes.
- How did you know that?
- Easy. The cards are marked.
Oh! Nicholas, don't ever joke
about a thing like that!
Who's joking?
Tom ,I would never
have believed it!
Oh, now wait a minute.
Please, th-th-th-there
must be some mistake.
I'd say there was and I made it.
Playing in a fixed game!
Winning streak? Hah!
Mr. Harris, wait!
Let me at least give you
back your money!
Mr. Harris, please wait. I'm
sure there's an explanation.
For playing with marked cards?
I doubt it, Mr. Bradford.
[women hooting]
(Linda)
'What did I tell you?'
Look at those hussies.
That must be big daddy.
We got to do something
before it's too late!
Who knows what they could have
been doing to my baby brother?
Get on the radio.
I think we got a -B.
What's a -B?
Vice raid!
We move in five minutes.
You'll have to stay
in the car, ma'am.
I don't understand
how Merle could've got
messed up with people like this.
He never should have
left Siloam Springs.
Yes, ma'am.
From now on, ask who it is
before you open the door.
Oh, come on.
Why do you think
dad got so upset?
He always said to be honest.
Look, Nicholas, I don't know,
but why don't you go down
and tell him the whole thing
was a mistake?
Blame the whole thing
on Kenny P. Landers.
What do you think
dad will do to me?
I don't know
what dad's gonna do to you.
But why don't you just
go down and tell him
so I can fix my amp in peace?
[electricity crackling]
[static]
[jazz music]
[whistles]
I thought you were asleep?
How could I be with
the Joannie Bradford dancers
performing live
outside my bedroom?
Okay, you guys. Good, but it's
gonna come again. Get ready!
How'd she get you to do this?
[jazz music]
(Elizabeth over phone)
'It was five-five hundred
and seventy two.'
Okay, for spelling, right?
- Elizabeth?
- Hold on.
What, Mary?
This is important.
Okay, I'm back.
Elizabeth, I cannot
find Linda Mae.
Well, maybe she's with Nancy
or something, I don't know.
Why don't you check
the screen porch?
Okay, I'm sorry, Cathy.
What was that again?
You two go in from the back.
You two take the sides.
Callaway and I
will take the front.
Now is there any questions?
Okay, let's go!
[knock on door]
- A kid? It's a kid.
- What are you doin' here?
He lives here.
What are you doin' here?
I'm Officer Callaway.
This is Officer Dilnik.
(Tom)
'No, no, no,
come on now, Max.'
Please, how was
I supposed to know
that Nicholas' cards
were marked?
Marked cards.
That's very interesting!
- Who are you?
- Vice squad.
Vice squad? What?
You mean that Harris
called the vice squad
'over a little poker game?'
Will everybody please
hold it down?
I can't hear the results
for the ninth.
Results of the ninth?
Everybody, please stay
where you are.
Don't move!
I'll take that too.
Okay, miss, you have the right
to remain silent.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
what are you doing?
Making book in this state
is illegal.
Oh, no, please, I can assure you
nothing like that
is going on in this house.
Max, you're a doctor.
Do something!
Tom, I heard you made
a k*lling tonight!
'Oh, Max,
don't forget your flask.'
Hold it!
Card sharks,
bookies and now drunks!
Oh, uh, n-n-no sir,
this is just cough syrup.
Sure is, sister. proof?
Officers, please, believe me,
there is absolutely nothing
out of the ordinary
going on here.
[jazz music]
You mean to tell me that nobody
but Nicholas and Elizabeth
have even met Linda Mae?
- Who's Linda Mae?
- What's going on around here?
What's all that racket
out there?
Alright, hold it right there!
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, no, no, no, no
you don't understand.
We're just practicing.
Yeah, for the world's
oldest profession.
- Officer, I'm an attorney.
- Sure.
And I'm Lieutenant Colombo.
I don't know.
I just live here.
- Do you want..
- Oh.
Found these three out back.
I think this one here
was soliciting these two.
What? They're my sisters!
- And that's my wife.
- This is getting ridiculous!
This is getting disgusting!
Officer, if you would
just let us..
[all gasping]
Alright, everybody, freeze.
Merle!
'Merle!'
- Merle!
- Linda Mae?
Oh, Merle! Oh, Merle!
Merle, don't go in there!
What the blazes
are you talking about?
Now don't you worry about
anything, baby brother.
Everything's gonna be alright.
I'm gonna take you
back to Siloam Springs
and Reverend Morton will
straighten you right out.
Linda Mae,
will you talk sense?
Now where's Susan?
I don't know, Merle!
I've never even met her.
What? I gotta find out
what's going on here.
No, no, wait! Merle!
No, Merle! Don't risk it!
So the noise was Tommy's amp
the girls were rehearsing their
dance for the repertory theater
and of course, this must
be the corpus delicti.
- The what?
- The dead body, Nicholas.
Merle!
Oh, and if I'm not mistaken,
this is Linda Mae.
W-will somebody please
tell me what..
- What's goin' on here?
- I think I can.
- You see, this is, uh--
- Merle, where is Susan?
Wha.. That's what
I'm tryin' to find out!
Well, she heard on the radio
that you got hit
so she drove to Modesto.
(Merle)
'Oh, no!'
Look, why don't you call the
Modesto Metropolitan Hospital?
'That's where she went.'
Operator, could you put me
through to Modesto Metropolitan
Hospital, please?
Well, I guess
that about wraps it up.
Sorry to inconvenience
you folks.
Oh no, we're sorry.
I mean, it's easy to jump to
conclusions around this house.
Yeah.
Okay, uh, we'll be on our way.
Sorry, miss.
Hello? Metropolitan hospital?
- Yeah, my name's--
- Merle!
- Never mind.
- Oh, you're okay!
Oh, I am
now that I know you are.
(Susan)
'Oh, darling, I was
so worried about you.'
'They said on the radio
that you were out cold!'
I'm okay.
The ball got more damage.
I'm just glad you're safe
and sound, sweetheart.
I want you to meet someone.
My sister, Linda Mae.
- Hi!
- This is so humiliating.
I don't know how you folks
can ever forgive me.
Wha..
Forgive you for what?
It's a long story.
I'm afraid I owe you folks
all a long apology.
'Cause see, I just worry about
my little brother here and..
...mama made me come and, and
I don't, I don't do very well
when I'm away from home.
Oh, Linda Mae, it's alright.
This is your home now.
This is your new family.
- Merlin?
- Yeah, sis?
- I think she really means it.
- Oh, I sure do.
Linda Mae, we all do.
Oh, hey, sure, we do.
I'm sorry we scared you.
Hey, let's get to know Linda Mae
over the last few
remaining Bradford
full-house sandwiches.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, boy!
It's been quite an evening.
Tom, my hiccups are gone!
They're gone!
Oh Tom, what a relief!
Oh, really?
Well, in that case,
why don't we skip
the midnight stock
and go right upstairs?
Okay.
[hiccups]
- Who was it?
- Oh. That was Mr. Harris.
Max called
and explained everything
so he just called to apologize
for overreacting.
- That's good.
- Oh, yes. And guess what?
He's coming to the game
next week.
Only this time,
he's bringing his own cards.
Okay, that's it.
Nicholas, whatever
happened to Boris?
Did you trade him back
to Kenny P. Landers?
Not exactly.
Oh, then you still have him?
No, see, Freddy took him
and ran.
A kid ran away with your dummy?
Freddy's no kid.
He's Kenny's Saint Bernard.
And now,
for your entertainment
the ladies of the evening!
Featuring, all the way
from Siloam Springs..
Miss Linda Mae "Show 'Em
What You Got" Stockwell.
Oh, no! Not again!
[indistinct chatter]
(Joannie)
'Alright, sell it ladies!'
♪ Let me entertain you ♪
♪ Let me make you smile ♪
♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪
♪ Some old
and then some new tricks ♪
Go on. Go on! Go on.
Go on. Go for it!
♪ And if you're real good ♪
♪ I'll make you feel good ♪
♪ I want your spirits
to climb ♪♪
[theme music]
04x05 - The Night They Raided Bradfords
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.