Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact (2023)

[bunniefuu]

Thank you so much, LA.

Please, thank you.

LA!

Don't make me like you.

Oh, my God, there's, like,

some young people up front.

Like how... how old are you?

- Twenty-seven.

- Twenty-seven.

Oh... remember?

Remember 27?

God, you're so cute

and everything's still up high and...

You're wearing heels. You're gonna...

Someday, you're gonna...

These are gonna be your heels. Okay?

Right here. To me, these are heels now.

Okay?

There's an orthopedic insert in here.

- What's your name?

- Libby.

"Libby." That's so cute.

Twenty-seven. Libby. Oh, my God.

Do you drink? Are you a drinker?

Little bit? Okay.

Here's the kind of drinking I've been

doing lately, okay, on this tour.

Like, yesterday is the only day

I didn't drink,

and I drank. Do you know what I mean?

You know?

You don't count it

'cause it was less than five.

Started early, yeah.

So I don't count that, yeah.

'Cause I, uh...

I used to black out, Libby.

Last week. And, uh...

Nothing good ever happens

in a black-out, right?

I've never woken up, like,

"What is this Pilates mat doing out? Wow."

"Who cleaned?" No.

No.

Wake up with a potato skin

like an eye patch.

Dried ice cream on my neck.

I hope!

Can't drink like we used to, huh?

I just turned 40. Again.

Thank you.

Thank you. Keep doing it.

Keep doing it.

And, uh, you know,

I've always preached confidence for women.

You know, to feel great in your own skin.

Right? And then the day I turned 40,

I took my skin

and I got it lasered.

Hm...

So, Libby, what laser is...

is they sh**t a laser

at your face.

Okay, you pay them money, a lot of money,

and in return they sh**t you

in the face with a laser beam.

The thing that in the Ocean's Eleven

bank heist movies, they're trying to avoid

to get the money.

You, instead,

put your face in front of them.

It's incredible what laser does.

What happens is...

you turn blood-red,

but then the skin falls off your face.

But then,

six-to-eight weeks later...

you look exactly the same.

Amazing, right?

It's just incredible what they can do now.

Just...

I got filler in my face.

Uh, then they dissolved it,

'cause, as it turns out,

I was already full.

I...

Tom... Tom, you're doing "A" cam, right?

Can you get in close on this

in case people don't know? So, my face...

Someone, just because

they were wearing a white lab coat,

talked me into needing

more volume up here.

Okay?

It already looks like

I'm storing nuts for the winter.

I came home,

scared the sh*t out of my husband.

Just bleeding. Just needle marks.

He's like,

"Holy f*ck, were you in a fire?"

I'm like, "I wasn't not in a fire."

"Wait until my laser kicks in, babe.

You're gonna be hard as a rock."

I got lipo, and then I,

in record time, gained the weight back.

Lipo is the laziest thing

I've personally ever done.

That was my way of saying,

"I would rather have major surgery...

than be a little hungry once."

That's the truth. I'm never hungry.

I never let it get to that, you know?

I feel it coming about an hour away

and that's when I combat it. You know?

You know, I'm doing my best.

I had a baby. Not bad for a year. Right?

It's been three.

And a half. But, uh...

You ever get handed a new insecurity

when you weren't really expecting it?

Someone will just kinda mosey up

and hit you with it.

They'll just...

"Hey, you know who you look like?"

I go, "No, thanks."

"I'm not open to that feedback right now.

Thank you."

It's never somebody good, right?

It's never a model.

It's always, like, their f*cked-up cousin.

"Look!"

I just got handed a new insecurity

by a trusted friend.

It's when you're feeling safe

that someone will hit you with something

they thought you'd already

accepted about yourself.

You know, she goes,

"You know how you're short-waisted?"

I was like, "Yes! What?"

She's like, "You know the way your ass

goes all the way to your armpit,

and you don't really..."

"Like an ostrich! Cool! Okay, good! Good!"

"I love that!"

But I just got hit with

a new insecurity that

rocked me.

I was getting acupuncture

to see if I could still feel, and, uh...

He's working on me,

and with so much enthusiasm,

like it wasn't a big deal, he says to me,

"Did you know that you have a hump?"

I said, "My lovely lady lumps?"

"Check it out!" Right?

He's like, "No, you have a hump."

And I do.

I'll show you. On the back of my neck,

okay, don't miss out on this sh*t, Tom.

Get in here.

Okay? Check that out.

I... Someone goes, "Oh, yeah!" Yes, I do.

I'm humped, okay.

Like a whale, or a camel.

Or that guy who loves Notre-Dame.

I...

found out in my 40s that

all this time I've been rocking a hump.

I said, "What do we do?"

He goes, "I don't think

there's anything we can do."

"So you just needed me to know?"

He goes, "It's called a 'widow's hump.'"

I'm like, "I'm all set

with info about that. Thank you."

He said, "Well, just try holding

your neck back further."

"Like this?" He said, "Yeah, that's good."

"Okay, yeah. Less hump. Is this...?"

So, I know a lot of you

are sitting there thinking,

"Do I have a hump?" And...

I don't want you to be shy.

You're a little em...

Just feel free. Just go in there and feel.

The way you'll know, is when you

run your finger down your neck,

you'll run into a hump.

So that's my little secret insecurity.

Okay?

I'm humped.

We all have some

little secret insecurity, right? Like...

I just met someone, and I don't think

their insecurity can be a secret.

Okay, now,

this story really happened. Okay?

My husband and I

were invited to a dinner party.

Very last minute. We think we were

a last-minute fill-in. Not a big deal.

We go to the party, and it was

at this really rich guy's house.

We never met him before.

Right before we go in,

our friend who invited us says,

"Oh, just so you know,

he's blind, but it's a secret."

I'm like, "What the f*ck

are you talking about?"

"From who?"

She's like,

"Well, um, he doesn't acknowledge it,

and everyone around him

acts like it's not happening."

I'm like, "You can be that rich

that you're just not blind?"

Turns out, yeah. So...

I was glad she gave me a heads-up,

you know, 'cause, like,

I have no impulse control.

In ten seconds in his house,

I would have been like,

"Are you f*cking blind?"

I was glad she gave me a heads-up,

'cause...

Sometimes people give you a heads-up

for things that aren't necessary,

and it makes everything awkward. You know?

Someone will be, like,

"Okay, and he's Black."

"Should I change the music?"

What are you talking about?

You don't have to warn me about,

you know...

Or, "And she's gay."

"Oh, should I eat her out?"

"Is that...?"

It's a weird warning, but, uh...

But, "He's blind and it's a secret"?

Thank you.

A "secret blind" is a heads-up I want. So...

So we go in and...

he's blind. Okay?

He's in the kitchen,

because he's cooking.

And you could tell... He's looking up.

He says, "Hey, great to meet you.

No shaking hands. Covid."

And we're like, "That's why."

Uh...

And he offers us a drink.

I said, "Sure, yeah. Great."

So I went over to grab a glass,

and I am not kidding you,

I turn around, and he's like this.

All night, sh*t like this is happening.

People just clean it up and act like

it didn't happen. Keep it moving.

Dinner took nine years to cook.

We're all sitting around

pretending to eat and, uh...

I'm keeping the conversation going.

I'm trying to fill the air, but I kept on

talking about vision by accident.

You don't realize how much

you talk about it, you know.

I... I actually said this sentence,

okay, to a blind person.

I said, "Is anyone watching The Watcher?"

What?

That's a double-blind. I f*cked up.

His girlfriend was there.

I said, "How long have you guys

been seeing each other?" f*cking f*ck.

"Smelling her?" Um...

This rich guy.

In his late 50s.

Had a very young girlfriend.

Very young.

I'm like,

"Let me guess, she's an old soul."

Right? Isn't that the story, LA?

Twenty-three-year-old p*ssy,

but what an old soul on the gal.

Wait until you get a load of her soul!

Yeah.

And I don't think it's cool to make fun

of blind people.

I just don't think

you can be a secret blind.

Okay? And if there's gonna be one group

of people that's really mad at me,

that feels like a safe one.

"We're gonna get you!" Are you?

I shouldn't be baiting the crowd

like this. I really shouldn't.

People ask, "Is this a dangerous time

for comedians?"

You know, I don't know if you saw,

Chappelle got tackled on-stage.

And just all this crazy sh*t's

been happening.

When they ask, I'm like, "Yes."

"I'm on the front lines every night."

Like, no. Not if you're me, you know.

Maybe if you're them, you have these spry...

I'm like, "My people are like me. Okay?"

We're tired.

Nobody's tackling anybody.

We're all too tired.

I don't know about you, here's where I am

with my energy level lately.

If I sit down and realize

I didn't grab the remote...

I'll just sit there...

for as long as it takes. Right?

There's one of us in every relationship.

The piece of sh*t. Right?

You just sit there.

You wait for your partner to come in.

"Hey, can you grab the remote?"

It's like, "Have you been sitting here

for two hours?"

Goes to sit down.

"And also can you get me another drink?

Oh."

What else is going on in my life?

Oh, I have a little boy.

A little boy.

Yeah. I don't know if I'm a good parent.

I think I'm just getting used to failing.

Is that what being a parent is? Just...

Just bombing. It's like stand-up.

You know, you just get used to it.

I just...

I don't think anybody's failed

as hard as I did, as quickly, though.

Do you know what I named my son?

Let me walk you through it, okay?

Listen up, Libby. So...

Our son's first name is Gene.

Okay? Gene. Basic.

We named him after my husband's mom,

who passed away,

which is very sad, of course.

But also, to not...

have a mother-in-law...

It sounds like somebody has a lucky hump.

So...

Very sad, of course.

My husband's last name is Fischer.

That's why I, Amy, didn't take it.

It's... You might be a little young

for this reference, Libby, but...

Google "Amy Fisher" when you get home.

And, uh, it's not good. So...

Then came his middle name, and that's...

That's where I f*cked up. Okay? I, uh,

I wanted to pay tribute to my favorite

comedian, my good friend, Mr. Dave Attell.

All right. So I...

That's about right. So I...

Truly my favorite comedian of all time.

So we gave him the middle name "Attell."

So I was about a month

into being a new mom,

sitting on the couch when I realized

that I've named my son...

"Genital Fissure."

Anybody ever f*ck up like that?

I don't think so.

We changed his middle name

as soon as we realized.

I think it's better. We changed it

to "Fingerbang sh*t-Snatch."

Is that better? Or...

Is anybody here pregnant?

Any pregnant people here?

Oh, congratulations.

Are you keeping it?

Hey, we're in one of the states

where we still have a choice. Right?

Can you believe it?

In Wisconsin,

I didn't want to ask the crowd.

You know? It's, like, yeah.

They could always drive to Illinois.

Just recommending. But, uh...

Yeah. People love giving

pregnant women advice, don't they?

They love it. They just love it.

The whole time I was pregnant, I have

this one friend, she'd always tell me,

She's like,

"You have to do prenatal yoga."

"It really helps with the birth.

Prenatal yoga."

So I immediately signed up

for a C-section.

Because, f*ck that, okay?

If I'm ever in downward dog, I fell.

Upward humpback Jew.

That's my resting pose, right here.

I did. I had a...

I had a C. Came out the sunroof.

And, uh...

You know, some women feel like they failed

if they don't give birth vaginally.

And the only thing that really comforts me

is my still-perfect p*ssy. It's really...

No, it's not. It's not good. Trust me.

Things still shift, you know what I mean?

I don't...

I don't know what it is. When I take

a bath, I feel like I fill up. You know?

I just kinda...

floating in there. Just...

Just kind of

squishing around after for hours.

But they tell you,

no matter how you give birth,

C-section, vaginal... They almost

never come out of your assh*le.

They tell you...

The doctor is very serious

right after you give birth.

They say, "Now, listen,

you cannot have sex for six weeks."

"Okay? No sex. Six weeks."

I'm like, "Okay, let me write that down.

Six..."

I'm like,

"Oh, wait, remember when you just, uh,

Wolverine'd my FUPA open?"

How about six years?

That's when I think

I'll want to do that again.

"His foot got caught on my intestines

on the way out."

"When can I get raw-dogged from behind?"

These...

"I need d*ck!"

Like, who's...?

"Five weeks?" Yeah, okay.

I had this awful condition while I was

pregnant called hyperemesis gravidarum.

Severe nausea and vomiting,

the whole pregnancy.

I was so relieved when I was diagnosed,

it was like six months in.

I was like, "Okay, we know what it is.

What do we do?"

And they explained to me,

"We haven't been able to study it

because it only happens to women."

"But if your husband wants,

we have chewable Viagra."

Which is a real product.

Because, sometimes,

it's scary to take a pill.

"I wanna get hard,

but I don't want to take a pill."

"Okay, you can chew it. Okay."

I have severe endometriosis. Very painful.

A debilitating disease.

About 10% of women have that.

There are no studies.

But if your d*ck curves slightly one way,

they got you, bro!

Any d*ck-mergency,

the Paw Patrol is on the way!

Got a hysterectomy this year.

Wanted to lose those last three pounds,

am I right, ladies?

No.

I had to get it removed

because of my endometriosis.

And, uh...

It was a big surgery. They took out

my uterus, they found cysts in my ovaries.

They found a tumor in my appendix.

But the craziest thing they found

was that my liver was fine.

It's such a fun New York moment

right after that surgery.

I was walking around

feeling sorry for myself,

and there was this group

of big meathead dudes.

One of them recognized me and goes,

"Hey! Amy Schumer!"

"How you doing?"

I was feeling kind of honest.

You know, I was like,

"Not great. I just had my uterus removed."

And his response

made me feel so much better.

He goes,

"Oh, no!"

"You should get it back!"

I'm like, "That's not..."

"That's not really how that works,

but thank you, sir."

I feel so much better

after getting that surgery,

the laparoscopy and all that. I, uh...

If you have endometriosis...

The only way I can describe

how much better I feel,

is like if you ever saw Willy Wonka,

you know those old people that are all

in that bed, 69-ing all day, like...

And the one grandpa gets the golden ticket

and he gets out and clicks his heels.

Like, that's me.

You know...

That's how much better I feel.

I'm like a new person...

I'm a new mom.

You know, I can run with my son now.

I don't, but, uh...

You know.

I, uh...

We had a medical emergency

in the audience last weekend on the road.

It was very strange.

I learned a lot about my crowd.

It was in the balcony.

This guy was having a seizure.

He's fine. You know, I...

I didn't follow up. But I'm assuming,

you know, I would have heard.

No, he's fine. But, uh...

But in the moment it was scary.

We had to turn the house lights on.

This is when I learned about my crowd,

because I was like,

"We need a doctor! Go!"

Not one.

The entire audience, not one doctor.

So I'm like, okay, "Nurses!"

And there were like 40 nurses

but they were all hammered.

They're like, "We're not on-call.

f*ck you!" I was like, "Fair."

Thank God for our nurses. You know?

Yeah.

f*ck yeah.

I really couldn't...

couldn't sleep after that.

It was just... It was alarming, you know?

It was like...

I mean, I can never sleep anyway.

I'm such a bad sleeper.

Whenever I say that, somebody is like,

"Have you tried melatonin?"

"CBD?"

I'm like, "I need heroin, okay?"

f*cking melatonin. Get outta here.

I mean,

they told us how we can get better sleep.

We all know the advice, right? They said,

"If you want the best night

of sleep of your life,

an hour before you go to bed,

turn your phone off."

What do we all say?

"No."

"That's crazy."

"Oh, you don't care about sleep?"

I care about sleep

more than anything in the world.

I'll take any pill, I'll have any surgery.

"Why not just 15 minutes

before you go to bed, power down?"

"f*ck you!"

I need to be staring

into the abyss of my phone

as I'm falling asleep, okay?

- Plus, I need to be reading something.

- I'm eating.

They did do one study on women.

You may have read about this.

They found that social media

is harmful to young girls.

Thank you, NASA.

We know.

Right?

Since we've been in town, I saw this group

of girls, maybe 12 years old.

These little girls were taking selfies.

You know, and they knew their angles.

Know what I'm saying?

Maybe some people don't know. Like...

Like, your angles... Okay.

Like, see how my leg looks

if you look straight on?

Get a sh*t of this, Tom.

Look at that. Disgusting.

What is that, Gollum? That's heinous.

Now watch this. Bam!

Whoa!

Everyone's hard.

And they knew their good side,

these 12-year-old girls.

They see so many pictures of themselves.

Like, I'm 41. I know my angles.

Okay?

At this point,

the photographer gets in a tree,

and I dig a deep trench.

I kinda get down there... That's me.

That's where I shine, you know?

Twelve years old.

Remember when we were 12?

Somebody took a picture of us once a year.

Right?

Maybe twice if we had a school dance.

Right?

Somebody's dad had a camera.

It was like,

"Whoa! I didn't know Lindsay was rich!

Her dad has a whole camera!"

We didn't know our angles.

They'd say, "Cheese!"

And we'd all just kinda...

Looked like we were sh1tting ourselves.

Because we were.

Because all we ate was dairy.

Right?

We didn't have oat milk, or almond milk,

or Erewhon.

We had whole milk.

And we drank it with every meal.

You'd have a grilled-cheese sandwich

with a cup of milk.

Our skin was bad,

we were farting all over the place.

It was disgusting.

But we were happy, g*dd*mn it.

Right?

I don't know, Libby.

Twenty-seven.

What would it be like to be 27 now?

You grew up seeing so many more

pictures of yourself.

Here's a good thing. You are definitely

vaccinated for chicken pox.

Probably don't even know it.

Remember our vaccine for chicken pox?

Is that your mom

would push you in a room...

with neighbors who had them, just...

She'd go, "Get it!" That was our vaccine.

"Go get it!"

Horrifying.

You're definitely vaccinated for HPV.

And I feel bad for you.

You're missing out on an important

character-building experience.

We all had it.

All my friends, we all got it.

Admitted it to each other after college.

We're all crying. "I'm a whore!"

"I'm gonna have to tell

all my future partners!"

Never told one person.

We all got it.

I'm still really close with my girls

from high school.

I feel so lucky about that friendship.

Yeah.

It's the best.

I realized though...

that we text each other

like we're f*cking.

Like, I text them in this intimate way

I would never text my husband. You know?

I'll be like...

"Text me the second you're home safe."

"Home." "Thank God."

"Your ass in those jeans tonight,

what?"

"When can we be together again?"

If Chris ever got

a text like that from me,

he'd think I was f*cking kidnapped.

He'd call the police.

I was out drinking

with my girlfriends one night.

And, uh...

We were talking about

how lazy we've gotten, sexually.

And, uh, I was like,

"What if we text all of our husbands

'Do you want to have

phone sex right now?'"

We were crying we were laughing so hard.

We thought... We thought it was so funny.

And we did it, and we got such different

responses from these dudes.

My husband wrote back the fastest, okay,

and he just wrote,

"f*ck you."

Okay.

That's fair. It's what I deserve.

You know?

And my friend Jess' husband,

we declared the loser

because he just wrote, "Too tired."

We're such hypocrites. We were pissed.

And then, uh...

My friend Caroline's husband said, uh,

"When the kids go to bed." Not bad.

But the winner, we declared,

was my friend Andrea's husband,

who just immediately called.

Hello?

Joke was on her. She had to have

phone sex with her husband that night.

She answered like she was

in a horror film. "Hello?"

I love my girls. They're all

teachers and nurses from Long Island.

and they, uh... Yeah. Teachers.

Holy sh*t. Thank you, teachers.

They came with me

when I hosted the Oscars.

They were on the red carpet with me,

and it was...

It was so fun having them there.

And they were so excited.

At first.

Just... We just get used to sh*t so quick,

don't we?

These girls, at first

they're so starstruck. They're like,

"There's Ryan Reynolds!"

And, "Is that Taylor Swift?"

And then 20 minutes later, my friend Jess

walks over smoking a cigarette.

She's like, "Meryl Streep's chatty."

This bitch. You know?

I love my girls. We all got married.

I can't believe we got married. We, uh...

All of us.

I've only been married for five years,

but this is what I think

marriage is so far.

I think marriage is finding someone

who can stand you.

Is that too romantic?

Find someone who can f*cking stand you.

Especially during the pandemic

when we were all just home, just...

Staring at each other.

Judging. Waiting to criticize each other.

"You gonna chew like that?"

"No. No."

"Didn't know if you're trying to wake the

neighbors 'cause it's so loud. But no."

My husband...

We were fighting...

What was our last fight?

Oh, we went to see Top g*n.

Anybody see Top g*n?

It was cute, right? I was impressed.

Do you know that Tom Cruise

does all his own Scientology?

I dragged him there.

I wanted to see it in the theater.

You know, we were fighting.

I don't remember what about.

I remember I was right. But, uh...

But... This is why I like being married

because it's, you know,

he said, "I don't even

want to be near you right now."

Before we were married,

I would have been like...

But I'm like, "Can I have your wallet?

I still want to see Top g*n."

Kinda throws it to me. He leaves.

I just walked to the movie. I'm like,

"f*ck this guy. I'll see him at home.

Half a block later,

he's back walking next to me.

Gave him his wallet.

We didn't talk about it. Just moved on.

Gotta keep it moving. Right?

Keep it moving.

But he can stand me.

Do you guys know who Hilaria Baldwin is?

I'm saying it wrong. I'm sorry.

Hilaria...

Baldwin.

Okay.

So, I just can't wrap my head

around this story.

If you don't know who I mean,

this is Alec Baldwin's wife. Okay?

And I met her years ago, backstage at SNL.

Alec was like,

"I want you to meet my wife."

And I saw her, and I said,

"No, thank you."

I'm trying to hang on to my self-esteem.

Okay?

She is a tiny Disney princess,

and I...

look like Ben Roethlisberger

from most angles.

She came over.

"I'm Hilaria from Espania."

Very thick Spanish accent. Okay?

From Spain.

You might have seen her on a morning show

doing a cooking demonstration

where she had trouble remembering

how to pronounce the word

"How you say, 'cucumber'?"

She was wearing a dress.

They said, "Where's your dress...?"

"I don't know

if you have it, It's from Zara."

They have a

von Traap-amount of children, and, uh...

And they named them all, I'm not sure,

but, very Spanish names

like Jamn, and Croqueta, and Flamenco.

You know?

And all of this would be

fine and beautiful, except...

...that Hilaria

from Espania...

...is actually Hillary from Boston.

This woman is in no way Spanish.

Her parents are not from Spain.

No one in her life is from Spain.

You went, "What?"

Did you think I was just doing

a really r*cist Spanish impression...?

You're like, "Wow. Wow."

So, I'm not trying to bully a sociopath.

I have a point. Okay?

So I think what had happened was...

I think she went to Spain.

Because, again, I cannot tell you

how much her family is not from Spain.

They were early settlers in the U.S.

I'm not f*cking with you,

they were on the Mayflower.

That's how much this chick is from Boston.

But...

I think what had happened was,

she went to Spain.

And I've been lucky enough to go to Spain.

Some of you have. It's great, right?

Don't you love it? I loved it, too.

But Hillary from Boston

f*cking loved it.

"I am going to be from it!"

Did you know

you can just decide where you're from?

Like, on my driver's license,

it says that I am from Splash Mountain.

Isn't that great?

Libby, do you ever go on vacation

and have a good time?

- Where? Where'd you go?

- Mexico.

Mexico?

You're from there.

Enjoy. Enjoy.

So here's my point, okay.

I actually have a point. Okay.

My point is...

that all evidence points to this woman,

since she met her husband,

has straight-up pretended

to be from Spain.

And her husband

sh*t someone. Now, stay with me!

Stay with me.

My point is...

neither of them give a f*ck.

Find someone who can stand you.

My husband.

The love of my life.

We have sex sometimes.

And, uh, married people,

have you found this? We've found the best

weekday to have sex is always tomorrow.

Is that when you guys have sex?

"We ate today. Maybe we won't...

eat tomorrow.

That'll be a big day for us. You know?"

"Yeah, we'll definitely

f*ck each other tomorrow."

And then you do it.

And you act like you

went on some excursion.

Like you were bowling.

"That was fun. We have to remember

we like doing that."

"We should bowl more. Why don't we bowl?"

If it were up to me,

I'd bowl once a week. You too, yeah?

Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

My husband's amazing.

He always turns the lights on

right before we have sex. You know?

I shut 'em off, and he puts 'em on.

Finally, he's like, "Why are you so shy?

I love your body. All your scars."

"You're beautiful." You know?

And I was like, "Oh."

"You're so cute.

You think I don't want you to see me."

"Baby, my laser is about to kick in."

My husband actually just said these words

to me before we had sex. He said,

"Do you need me to go down on you?"

"Do I need you to?"

I'm like,

"No, I just saw Top g*n. Thanks."

It's hard to have sex with your spouse.

I'll say it.

Because that's your family.

It's like, we just had

Thanksgiving together.

I'm not gonna suck your d*ck.

You're my emergency contact

for Christ's sake!

That's disgusting.

Can't talk dirty to each other anymore.

We know each other too well.

You know, I'm like,

"I'm gonna..."

He's like, "No, you're not."

"No, I'm not."

"I want you to come all over..."

"No, you don't. No."

"No, I don't."

We do a lot of roleplay.

But I always pick the same role.

You know, I'm always like,

"Okay. I...

am in a coma."

"Go."

I love him so much.

I do.

My husband is on the autism spectrum.

And... Thank you. Thank you.

It used to be called Asperger's,

but then they found out

that Dr. Asperger had n*zi ties.

Hate when that happens, right?

Like some of our neighbors lately. Okay?

Can we please love Jews?

There aren't that many of us left. Okay?

So, yeah, he's on the autism spectrum.

And, uh...

It's called Autism Spectrum Disorder.

And getting diagnosed has been so helpful

to our family and to him,

in helping us communicate.

Making his life better, our life better,

and he's so f*cking cool and brave

that he's down to be open about it,

when there's such a stigma,

when it's so stupid.

because he's my favorite person

in the whole f*cking world,

other than my son, of course.

People don't know much about autism.

They hear and go,

"Oh, does he love to count?"

"Should we drop

a bunch of straws on the floor and...

he can gather them and count them?"

I'm like, "Yeah, f*ck it. Do it.

Might be fun. I don't know."

"I'd like to check that out, personally."

Being diagnosed, getting tested,

just... it's helped us so much.

Like, I understand his behavior now.

You know?

Like, when someone's in the middle

of a long, boring story,

he will straight up just walk away.

I'm like,

"Where's this m*therf*cker going?"

Never really lands a compliment with me.

He tells me I look comfortable a lot.

We just have different love languages.

You know?

Like, I was feeling

kind of sentimental the other night.

We were sitting outside. It was...

a nice night.

It looked like it was gonna rain, and, uh...

I just said, "You know, baby,

even though these last couple of years,

raising a toddler during a pandemic,

it's been so stressful.

But still, getting to be with you,

with our son,

these have by far been the best years

of my life."

And he just looked at me and he said,

"I'm gonna go put the windows up

in the car."

That's my guy, you know?

Yeah.

That's when we play the game,

"Autism, or Just a Man?"

I don't know.

Right?

This has been such a special,

special show, special night.

I'm gonna leave you

with what he said to me

right before I came out on stage tonight.

I said, "Babe...

is this okay?"

He said, "Well,

it's too late."

Thank you so much, LA!

I love you! I can stand you!

It's so easy.