Good morning, Los Angeles.
And a beautiful one it is too,
right here in the City of the Angels.
This is Jack Michaelson.
- What are you doing?
- I thought you wanted to hear music.
Yeah, but he's talking
about the City of the Angels.
Don't you wanna support
the home team?
Besides, this guy, Jack Michaelson,
he's okay.
- Really?
- Yeah. He did a show about cops
and the junk they have to put up with.
I mean, the guy is great.
He really knows
what he's talking about.
Put it back on. There you go.
And we're here today
with Mary Ann McKenna,
talking about the exploitation
of women in general,
and beauty pageant contestants
in particular.
Boy, is this guy full of it.
- But you just said-
- I know what I just said.
When he talks about cops,
he's okay.
When he talks about women's lib,
he is full of it.
Oh, you think so?
Yes. I don't have to think so,
I know so.
Nobody on the face of this earth
has it as easy as women.
- Especially good-looking ones.
- Oh, Mark, come on.
Don't "come on" me.
I mean, what is that old saying?
"Diamonds are a girl's best friend."
And what does a man get, huh?
What does he get? A dog.
Well, there's another old saying:
Don't judge a person
until you've walked a mile
in their moccasins.
They don't wear moccasins.
Men wear moccasins.
They wear Guccis
and Puccis and Koochies.
Hey, I didn't make it up.
Ask anybody. Ask the boss.
If it wasn't for Eve, we'd still all be
in a garden somewhere,
having figs and grapes.
Hey.
- Mark.
- What?
- You just ran a red light.
- Come on, it was yellow.
Well, I think it was red.
So does the cop behind us.
No.
Sure glad I keep my badge
in my wallet here.
Watch me handle this.
Hey, pal. I used to be a cop myself.
I didn't mean to run that light
but my friend and I were arguing about
all this women's lib garbage,
you know?
Is that so?
Cute, Jonathan. Cute.
Worldwide Pictures?
What are we doing here?
I don't know.
All I know is
this is where the assignment is.
- Hi. What can I do for you?
- Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon.
Smith and Gordon, let's see.
Okay, park your car in any unmarked
spot and then head up to Security.
Sam Quigley will give you
your lot passes.
Sam Quigley? He didn't use to be
a cop in Oakland, did he?
Yeah, he used to be an Oakland cop.
He's head of Security here now.
- Well, I'll be. Hey, thanks a lot.
- You bet.
Wait till you meet Sam.
You're gonna love him.
And he's a great guy.
A real man's man,
you know what I mean?
How long has it been
since you've seen him?
I don't know. Ten, years.
He's not in any trouble, is he?
- He's not our assignment, is he?
- Well, he's part of it.
Gentlemen, you can go in now.
- Thanks.
- Thanks very much.
- Hey, Sam?
- Hey, Gordo, how are you, buddy?
- It's good to see you.
- It's good to see you.
- You look great.
- Yeah.
This is my friend, Jonathan Smith.
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Fine, it's a pleasure.
Come on, sit down, you guys.
You wanna sit down? Go ahead.
So, huh?
So you two are gonna be working
for Linda Blackwell, huh?
- Linda Blackwell, the movie star?
- Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Couldn't be working
with a better person.
She's a hell of a lady, I'll tell you.
She is that.
Well, you've done all right
for yourself, Sam.
Head of Security for a big studio?
Do you check out
all the new employees yourself?
No, no, no. Just anyone
who works for Miss Blackwell.
I feel kind of protective of her,
that's all.
And with you guys set to be
her new bodyguard and hairdresser,
well, I...
It just didn't make sense
when I looked at your résumés.
It looked kind of fishy.
Oh, if you mean Jonathan,
I can vouch for him.
No, no, Smith checked out
just fine,
but what I couldn't figure out is,
what is a former Oakland cop doing
applying for a job as a hairdresser?
A hairdresser? Me?
But then I figured, I haven't seen
old Gordo here for ten or years,
and people do change,
and then your records from your
beauty college checked out just fine.
From my beauty college?
Yeah, right.
Well, you two, why don't you head over
to Stage ?
Miss Blackwell's dressing room
is right there and here's your ID.
- Keep it with you at all times, okay?
- All right, thanks.
Why don't we get together tonight and
sh**t some pool, drink some beer?
- Sure. You still like to do that, huh?
- Well, sure, why wouldn't I?
I don't know. You used to be a cop,
now you're a hairdresser-
Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
- I was just kidding, Gordo.
- All right, we'll see you later.
- All right.
- Take care. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Bye-bye.
Jonathan.
Jonathan, wait a minute.
This is crazy. I don't know anything
about hairdressing.
You must. How else could you have
graduated from beauty college?
- Look, I'm serious.
- So am I.
The boss wouldn't give you
this assignment
if he didn't think you could handle it.
- And here.
- And what's this?
It's your hairdressing bag.
Come on.
Great. I haven't been a hairdresser
for five minutes,
already I'm carrying a purse.
Hi, babe. How you doing?
Oh, just fine, Todd.
Listen, we've got that big love scene
this morning.
I thought you might want to go over it,
you know?
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I know my lines.
No, I wasn't talking about lines.
Yeah, well, why don't we just save it
for the camera, huh?
Well, I can't play a scene, you know,
without feeling the part.
Right, the parts, not my parts.
Just let go, Todd.
I can't play a scene
without some feeling, you know?
I'll tell you what.
When we get out there,
why don't you just close your eyes
and pretend I'm your wife?
Look, we're both mature adults,
you know?
I got needs, you got needs.
All God's children got needs.
He really doesn't like to have his name
used in vain, you know.
Hey, take a hike, will you?
I think that's what the lady
wants you to do.
And who are you?
Jonathan Smith.
I work for Miss Blackwell.
I'm Mark Gordon, in case
you're interested. I work for her too.
Mark Gordon, my new hairdresser, hi.
Mr. Richie raves about you.
The hairdresser.
Well, why don't you and
Mr. Richie here go warm your curlers?
Hey, enough with
the hairdresser jokes, huh?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hit me with your purse?
- All right, that's it.
- Mark.
That's my job.
Now, when your feet touch the floor,
you use them to walk away, all right?
Linda, you're gonna hear
from my agent about this guy.
Men are such idiots.
Thank you, Smith, but next time,
would you try and use more finesse
and a little less macho?
- I have to work with that man.
- Yes, ma'am.
I'm no more impressed
with men brawling over me,
than I am with that jerk
trying to paw me.
- I'll remember that, Miss Blackwell.
- Thank you.
Mark, would you comb me out?
We'll have a little girl talk
in my dressing room.
Well, don't just stand there,
come on in.
- So, what do you think?
- About what?
My hair, silly.
Do you think I should cut it?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe a little trim around the ears.
Trim around the ears?
Yeah, that's all I ever do with mine.
Oh, trim around the ears. Very cute.
Now the truth. What do you think?
The truth is I think you came down
kind of hard on Jonathan.
Jonathan? Smith?
Yeah, he was just trying
to protect you.
He's not. He's just trying
to impress me.
Come on, I've been around
these muscle boys.
All these men are alike.
They're just all on the make.
Come on, not all men are like that.
Well, maybe you're not.
But you know what I mean.
Listen,
Jonathan is not like that either.
I'm sure he's a perfect angel.
Yeah, you're right about that.
Oh, listen, I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to say anything
to upset you.
I guess I was really wrong
about Jonathan.
So how long have you two
been together?
Oh, we been going around
the country together
for about a year and a half and--
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait, what are you talking about here?
- What? About you and Jonathan?
- What about me and Jonathan?
Hey, why are you getting
so defensive, Mark?
I mean, I don't care.
I mean, live and let live, you know?
Hey, now just hold it here one second,
all right?
Excuse me, Miss Blackwell?
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but you're wanted on the set.
Oh, yeah, I'll be right there.
I'll see you after lunch, Mark.
Jonathan, I just wanted to say
I'm sorry I was so catty this morning.
I think you and Mark will work out
just fine.
Thank you very much.
Hey, looks like
you two really hit it off, huh?
I mean, that's it.
I'm off this assignment.
I mean, I can't handle this one.
I'm out, I'm gone, I'm history.
I mean, no way, Jose.
All right, if that's the way you feel.
But you'll sure be letting
your buddy Sam down.
- What do you mean?
- I told you,
he's part of the assignment.
Look, Jonathan,
you don't understand.
It's not important that I understand.
I didn't give the assignment,
the boss did.
If you want out of it, just tell him.
See you in the commissary.
Okay, okay. But I don't like it.
Hey, guys.
Would you mind if I pull up a chair?
- Come on.
- Thanks.
Beer and a couple of racks
of pool tonight, right?
You got it, pal.
Hey, Jonathan,
I hear you had a little run-in
with that jerk Todd Jeffries
this morning.
- Yeah, word travels fast, huh?
- Yeah, well, I wouldn't worry about it.
That jerk tries anything with his agent,
I'll back you up all the way.
He's lucky it was you. If that clown
had tried anything with me around,
he'd be picking pavement
out of his teeth.
Sounds like you really care
about her, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
- Ever told her so?
- What are you talking about?
I mean, you're single, she's single.
You both seem like nice people.
So why don't you ask her out?
Are you kidding me?
Hey, come on, she doesn't even know
I'm alive.
Yeah, well, whose fault is that?
Come on, Mark,
she's a movie star, I'm a cop.
She's a person. Maybe she's lonely.
You kidding me, huh?
Come on, she's one of the most
beautiful women in the world.
She's got leading men hitting on her
all the time.
I know, I met one of them
this morning. If he's any example,
it's no wonder she doesn't have
a high opinion of men.
You know, he's right, Sam. I mean,
what's it gonna hurt to ask her out?
My pride when she laughs
in my face.
If she does that, she's not somebody
you should take out in the first place.
Yeah, well...
Yeah, I know that.
Look, if I thought
I had half a chance, why--?
Hey, you know what? You know,
you could check it out for me.
I mean, really you could.
You could see if she wouldn't mind
me asking her out, you know?
I mean, come on, women confide,
they talk straight to their hairdressers
all the time.
All right, I'll see what I can find out.
What a guy. That's good.
Thanks, huh? Thanks, Mark.
I'll see you later. I gotta go to work.
- Right.
- All right. See you.
Boy, he is really stuck on her.
That little ball's in your court now,
cupid.
Oh, boy.
So, Mark, what's all this stuff
about Sam Quigley?
Just a great guy, that's all.
Great guy. Come on. No such thing.
Oh, will you give me a break?
You act like it's so tough
being a beautiful woman.
Well, it is tough.
It's brutal sometimes.
You know what's tough?
I'll tell you what's tough.
Working in a coal pit, that's tough.
I mean, your life's a bed of roses.
All you gotta do is smile a little bit,
do a little kootchy-kootchy,
say your lines,
collect a million bucks.
God, I wish I were in your shoes.
Well, God, I wish I was a man
for just long enough to show--
- What happened?
- Well, must have blown a fuse.
Hey, Jonathan.
Somebody hit the breaker.
Somebody hit the breakers.
Okay, boys, we're back on it.
Let's go.
Come on, Jonathan,
let's get out of here.
I'm no good at this cupid stuff.
Besides,
I can't take any more of that-
What's wrong with myvoice?
My body. This isn't my body.
Oh, my gosh, my body d*ed.
No, no, it didn't. She just fainted.
She?
She.
I can't believe it.
I'm in her body and she's in mine?
That's the way it looks from here.
Oh, Jonathan,
how could you do that?
Hey, you all right, buddy?
Felt like I was walking downhill
for a minute there.
- It must be the heels.
- What?
Your heels. You got heels, see?
God. Oh, my God, how do they walk
in these things?
All right, Jonathan, fun is fun.
Put me back.
Come on. What are you waiting for?
Put me back before she wakes up.
I can't do that.
What do you mean, you can't do that?
You put me in here, now get me out.
I didn't put you in there.
- You mean, the boss?
- Yeah.
You didn't say "I wish" to Jonathan,
you said "I wish" to God.
Well, don't just stand there.
Tell him to do something.
He already did.
Oh, that's cute, Jonathan.
That's really cute.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Great, that's just great,
she's out again.
Can't say I blame her.
I'd probably faint too
if I looked in the mirror
and saw you staring back at me.
One more word, I'm telling you,
one more word and, angel or no angel,
it's five to the chops.
- I'll get it.
- What do you mean, you'll get it?
You can't let anyone in here
with me looking like this.
Mark, you've only been a woman
for a few minutes,
and you're worried
about the way you look.
You can't let anybody see me
like this.
Why?
I've got bosoms.
- Everything okay in here?
- Yeah, sure. Everything's fine.
- Why shouldn't everything be fine?
- I don't know.
- I heard somebody scream.
- Yeah, that was her.
- Who?
- Her.
Who her?
Him her.
Mark Gordon saw a mouse, that's all.
Just a little mouse.
Hairdressers.
Listen, you little twerp,
cut the hairdresser stuff.
- I'm as much of a man as you are.
- Yes, ma'am.
Whatever you say, Miss Blackwell.
They want you on the set now,
ma'am.
Yeah, well, tell them to hold their water
till I get there, you know.
Yes, ma'am.
- Where's Linda. She okay?
- I don't know.
What do you mean, "I don't know"?
Well, I went over there
after I heard the scream
and she told me that her hairdresser
had seen a mouse,
and then she told me
she was just as big a man as I was,
and for you to hold your water.
Actresses.
So there we are. See, Jonathan here
really is an angel
and, well, when you and I wished
to God that we could trade places,
well, he heard us
and now I'm stuck with your body,
you're stuck with mine.
Right. Right.
- She's taking this better than I did.
- Yeah.
I wish I could tell you how long
you have to be like this,
- but it's just not up to me.
- Right. I understand.
I gotta hand it to you,
you really got a lot of guts
taking it this calm.
Right.
What the hell is going on in there?
Must be another mouse.
Now, listen, Miss Blackwell,
you gotta stop screaming.
You understand?
Okay.
Thank you.
There it is again. What are they doing
to that poor guy in there?
Get your hand off my mouth.
Get your hand off my mouth
this instant.
You promise to be a good girl
and not scream anymore?
All right. All right.
I want to see my lawyer.
I want to see my lawyer right now.
I'm going to sue the two of you.
I'm gonna sue him too.
I'm going to sue the Church.
Linda, what good is it gonna do
if nobody's gonna believe you?
For all the world,
you're Mark Gordon.
I want my body back.
I've worked very hard getting that body
in shape.
I want my body back.
I want my body back.
I want my body. I want my body.
I want my body.
- Linda, listen to me. Listen to me.
- What?
He's doing this for a reason.
- He has a very sick sense of humour.
- That's what Jonah said
- when the whale swallowed him.
- I'd rather be swallowed by a whale
- than turned into one.
- I'm gonna k*ll her.
- She's a guy, she can take it.
- What? Hey, you--
Now, come on, stop it
and listen to me.
He's doing this so you will understand
what it's like to live like the other one.
The sooner you accept that
and do it,
the sooner he's gonna put you back
in your own bodies. Now, stop it.
You mean that he has to go out there
and do my lines?
- I'll be ruined.
- Linda, that is exactly what I mean.
You're gonna have to keep
all of Mark's appointments,
and Mark's gonna have to keep
all of yours.
- Piece of cake.
- What?
You heard me, piece of cake.
- Well--
- Yeah, come in.
I hate to bother you,
but Mr. Campbell wondered if--
Yeah, if what?
If you'd like to rehearse.
We're ready.
You bet I'm ready.
I'll be right there.
You keep my hands off of those.
Shut up.
Piece of cake.
Well, hi, babe.
Glad you could make it.
- You talking to me?
- You bet I am.
Hey, get your arm off of me.
Hey, come on, babe,
you know you love it.
Get your hand off of me
or I'll rip it out of the socket,
and b*at your brains in with it.
Got it?
There's "no, no" on your lips,
but "yes, yes, yes" in your eyes.
Oh, no, he's out cold.
Get the doc down here.
Linda, are you crazy?
What did you do that for?
Me? That bozo had his hands
all over me.
Big deal. We got a scene
to sh**t here.
- What do you mean, "big deal"?
- I mean, so he had his hands on you.
He's a man, you're a woman.
I'm not just a woman. I'm a man.
What I mean is, I'm a person
and I got as much rights as a man.
I got a right to be touched
when I want to be touched,
and by whom I wanna be touched.
Nobody but nobody is gonna tell me
that I mean "yes" when I say "no,"
just because I got a pair of bosoms
and they don't.
I never knew how tough it was
for you gals.
Call me when he comes to.
Maybe it'll be worth it
just to see me do that.
- Terrible, terrible.
- Yo. Hey, where's the can, you know?
- The what?
- The can. The toilet.
- Oh, excuse me. The restroom.
- Oh, yes. Follow me.
Must you walk like that?
- Like what?
- Like a gorilla.
You could take smaller steps.
People are staring.
Hey, well, maybe they're staring
at you.
- You don't look hot mincing like that.
- All right, listen, don't argue.
We're gonna be like this for a while,
so let's make the most of it.
- Right.
- Here we are.
- I think I'll wait.
- Yes, me too.
- How's it going?
- Can I help you with something?
No, I just wanted to see
how Mark was doing.
- Mark?
- I mean, Miss Blackwell.
Well, just between the two of us,
this must be one of her off days.
She's moving like a truck driver.
Come on, come on.
They got pictures in the Louvre
that take less time to paint
than my face.
Miss Blackwell, you're the one
that wants the fuller lips, not me.
Fuller? They're full enough to blow up
the Goodyear blimp right now.
Suit yourself.
Let's rehearse again, Linda.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, can't I play this scene barefoot?
Who walks through the desert
in high heels?
Movie stars. Now, let's try it again.
See what I mean?
- You been hitting the sauce, honey?
- Shut up.
Linda. Linda, you all right, honey?
I told you to keep your hands
off of me.
Cut, cut. Brad, get the doctor.
- Yes, sir.
- You haven't seen Mark, have you?
- The hairdresser? He took off.
- What do you mean, "he took off"?
Well, the guy's a little flaky,
if you ask me.
He said, as long as we already had
one Linda around,
he was gonna knock off early
and do some shopping.
He can get in real trouble with the boss
for doing that.
You're telling me.
May I help you?
These are wonderful.
- When did you get these in?
- Oh, just yesterday.
Oh, I love this.
I don't know.
I just don't think it's me.
It's really difficult to tell with this beard,
you know?
Oh, I suppose not.
Perhaps if you shaved it off.
I would, but I'm afraid
that what's under it might be worse.
Oh, boy.
- Linda?
- What do you think of this lipstick?
- Give me that, will you? Come here.
- What are you--?
You know, I think you better
start remembering who you are
- or who you're supposed to be.
- Now, what is that supposed to mean?
It means that the reason
the boss switched you two,
was so that each of you could learn
how the other one lives.
Jonathan, listen. It is bad enough
that I have to walk around
with this moss growing
all over my face.
- What else am I supposed to do?
- Until the boss switches you back,
you're suppose to be Mark Gordon,
not just look like him.
That means working his job,
socialising with his friends--
Wait a minute.
You mean I have to associate
with a bunch of beer-belching,
over-the-hill jocks
whose only interest in life is making
snide remarks about women?
- Oh, please.
- You're being snide about his friends.
Now, don't judge people
until you know them.
- Now, let's get out of here.
- I want to buy shoes while I'm here.
I don't think they're gonna have
what you're looking for in a D.
Of course, you're right.
- Goodbye. I'll be back.
- Stop doing that with your hand.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Hey, what the-?
- I'm having a little snack.
- A snack?
I have seen lighter meals
at feeding time at the zoo.
- But--
- You are not putting this in my body.
I'm hungry. Jonathan.
No, absolutely not.
If you need a pick-me-up,
you drink this.
- What is this?
- Hot lemon juice.
What about my pizza?
No, no, no. Not your pizza.
Mark Gordon's pizza.
Linda Blackwell is on a diet.
Just part of the price
that we women have to pay.
You know, it is really a shame
to let this pizza go to waste.
Oh, pizza, baby, it has been so long.
Come to mama.
So good.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
See you on the set tomorrow, Linda.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, darling.
You. Where do you think
you're going?
- That's my car.
- Wrong. That's Linda Blackwell's car.
Home, Miss Blackwell?
Home, my foot.
Take me to the nearest burger joint.
You-- She--
This is not fair, Jonathan.
This is not fair.
Oh, come on.
It's probably all for the best.
Sam would have thought it was
kind of funny if you drove up in a limo.
Sam who?
Sam Quigley.
You're supposed to meet him tonight.
sh**t a few racks of pool
and talk about old times.
That sounds like an evening
full of charm and glamour.
Oh, come on, Linda,
don't tell me you never wondered
what the boys were talking about
in the locker room. Now's your chance.
Marvellous. I can spend the entire
evening discussing sweat socks.
Honestly.
Wish you wouldn't do that
with your hand.
- What would you like me to get you?
- Oh, relax, I can get it.
But, Miss Blackwell,
this is a public place.
No kidding. I didn't think
it was a private club.
- What are you doing?
- Guarding you.
Guarding me? Hey, pal, I'm a big boy,
I can take care of myself.
Why don't you relax in the car, okay?
I'll get us a couple of burgers.
All right, let me read this back to you.
That's four cheeseburgers,
- four fries,
- Yeah.
two apple pies, two onion rings,
and three tacos.
Yeah, and a shake, vanilla, and
you better give me a strawberry too.
All right, that'll just be a minute.
I still don't believe
that was Lucille Ball.
- Jacob, it was her.
- But she's so friendly on TV.
I looked in the window,
she closed the blinds.
Nice, smice, it was Lucy.
Well, I better get a closer look
at a biggie before this day--
Linda! Linda Blackwell!
Come on, come on,
let's get out of here.
That's her.
Oh, Sam, that is the funniest story
I have ever heard.
And these ribs are fantastic.
You know, Sam, I have to admit,
I cannot recall when
I have had a nicer evening with a man.
It's been fun seeing you again too,
Gordo, I...
I must say, you know, you've changed
over the last years.
Last hours is more like it.
Yeah, well...
You know what I wish?
I wish I could go out with Linda,
like this.
- Linda who?
- Linda who? Linda Blackwell.
Weren't you listening
in the commissary, huh?
You were gonna see if I had a prayer,
you know?
Fat chance of that though, huh?
Yeah.
I don't know. She might like it.
What makes you say that?
Did you ask her?
No, no. Just a feeling.
Well, I don't think you're right
on this one. She's a movie star.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
She's probably just stuck on herself.
No, I don't think so. That's probably
just because she's afraid.
People keep asking things of her,
like an autograph,
an introduction, maybe a little
hit-and-run romance, you know?
- Isn't that what you want too?
- Me?
Hey, I thought you knew me
better than that.
- I just told you how I felt about her.
- Oh, come on, Sam, fess up, huh?
That would be something to brag about
to your friends, eh?
Having a little fling with a movie star.
You really don't know me,
do you, buddy?
All I'd want is a chance
to make her happy.
It's not as easy as you think
being in the public eye.
You know what? I bet she'd like
to let her hair down,
have some fun with a guy
who really cares, you know?
You know, I read somewhere,
where she likes camellias.
So I sent her some once.
I didn't put my name on it. And she...
I saw her with them later and she-
She looked so happy.
That was you?
Sam, I must tell you
that until tonight,
I never realised
what a wonderful man you are.
What?
I understand this is very difficult
for you to understand,
but it is so frustrating to be a man
right now.
I don't know
what you're talking about, Gordo.
Silly, how could you?
I don't know how I could.
But just forget I asked, okay?
Sam, Sam, Sam.
I want you to know.
I want you to know because
tonight has been so special for me.
- I don't think I want to know, Gordo.
- Sam...
...I'm not who you think I am.
Hey, Mark, look,
that is your business.
So, Sam, Sam, tell Linda
how you feel about her.
Trust me.
I'm not telling you this
as Mark Gordon.
I'm telling you this as a woman.
Sam? Sam?
Sam? Oh, dear, Sam.
Sam, are you all right?
- Just take your hands off me.
- What?
Just take your hands off me, okay?
- What are you talking about?
- Look, you're my pal, huh?
I'm not gonna tell anybody
about our conversation.
It's just gonna be our secret.
Sam, just promise me that you won't
let your pride stand in the way,
and that you'll tell Linda
how you feel about her.
- Okay, I promise.
- You mean that?
Of course I mean it.
I'm gonna go tell her right now.
- Now?
- Yeah, now.
No, I don't want you to tell her now.
- I want you to stay here with me.
- Hey, let's not get pushy, you know?
And it's your life
but live and let live, okay?
- See you.
- Sam.
Sam.
Linda, you've got to get hold
of yourself. All right, all right.
Splash a little cold water on your face
and pull yourself together.
And stay out, you pervert.
Jonathan!
Come on, come on.
What are you doing, huh?
You're kidding yourself.
Come-- Do it.
Coming. Coming.
Keep your pants on.
Yeah...
- Miss Blackwell.
- Sam, old buddy.
Man, am I glad to see you.
- You are?
- I've been going crazy in this joint.
At first I thought it'd be fun but
she doesn't have a thing to eat here
but watercress and hot lemon juice.
- She?
- Yeah, her.
Me. Forget it.
What do you say we go sh**t a couple
racks of pool and grab some ribs?
- Well, you'd like to do that?
- Yeah. Sure, I'd love to.
I've been bored stiff
sitting around here.
We can talk about old times.
What old times?
New times.
We can talk about new times.
You know, I can't believe
how easy it is talking to you.
And you don't know.
I was so nervous before, I mean--
Hey, what's to be nervous?
I mean, we both put on our pants
one leg at a time, you know?
Right.
Yeah. Hey, why don't you sit down
and relax,
let me see if I can't put something on
that's more comfortable?
And then we'll have some fun, huh?
Yeah, sure, right.
I can't believe it.
What a great girl.
A little wacky but great.
This has been, without a doubt,
the single most embarrassing,
humiliating night of my entire life.
- Linda, will you calm down?
- Calm down.
That's easy for you to say.
You know, I know I'm going to have
a black eye. I know it.
Thank goodness this is not my face.
Linda, all I can tell you
is that everything is just part of a plan.
Well, the plan stinks.
I finally meet a man
that I could care about,
and he thinks I'm a raving lunatic.
Wait, he doesn't think
you're a raving lunatic.
He thinks Mark is.
I have been humiliated.
I have been assaulted
by some hairy baboon,
punched in the eye, tossed out
on the street on my keister,
and now the man
that I think I'm in love with
is on his way to pour out his heart
to Mark Gordon,
who by now has probably caused me
to gain pounds.
Now, look, why don't you
just take it easy?
You get undressed,
you get some sleep.
Everything's gonna look
a lot better to you in the morning.
Undressed?
And you call yourself an angel?
Oh, come on. Put on some pyjamas
and get some sleep.
- Turn around.
- Why?
Why? Because I'm going to undress,
that's why.
Oh, come on, Linda.
I mean, first of all, I'm an angel.
Secondly, right now, you're a guy.
Why do you keep bringing that up?
I'll change in the powder room.
Were you the last one to use this?
No, angels don't have to.
Well, the next time you see
Mr. Gordon,
would you mind telling him
that when he's finished,
to put the seat down. Men!
This is as comfortable
as I could find.
Boy, do I feel better.
It's hard to believe
what women go through to look good.
I think you look great.
Yeah, I gotta be honest with you.
I was always afraid to approach you,
you know?
Kind of like you were a queen.
I know I was wrong. I misjudged you.
You're one of the most
down-to-earth women I've ever met.
Thanks. Come on,
let's go get those beers.
Wait.
Wait? Oh, what, wait?
I have waited so long
to be with you like this.
- "Like this"?
- You know what I mean.
I've gotta tell you how I feel.
Even if you laugh in my face.
No, no, no, I'm not laughing, see.
But this isn't the right time and
I'm nothing like what you think I'm like.
You're the most wonderful woman-
Yeah, well, see, right there,
that's a mistake right there, see?
- I love you.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
Linda, I'm sorry.
Just let me up, please.
- Not until you let me explain.
- You don't have to explain.
I just made a complete fool
of myself.
- You don't understand, Sam.
- I'm sorry you--
Yeah, I do understand.
Linda, you're hurting my neck.
- Just let me up, please.
- Sam, listen. Listen. It's okay.
- What an idiot I was to think--
- No, you weren't.
You weren't an idiot. Listen.
Your timing is just off, that's all.
You think you love me, but you don't.
The one you really love is Mark.
- What?
- Mark.
Look, I know it sounds confusing
and it is,
but, oh, God, I wish I'd never asked
to be in her shoes.
Jonathan.
What if he chooses
to leave us like this?
I don't think I could take it.
I think I'm having
a nervous breakdown.
God, I am sorry
I ever asked to be a man.
What is that?
Why is that doing that?
Jonathan. Jonathan, what is this?
Jon-- Oh, it's a blackout.
Jonathan!
Jonathan.
Mark?
I'm back. The boss put me back.
- Linda.
- Sam.
Linda, I can't tell you
how sorry I am about--
I got my body back.
Okay. I promise you one thing,
you'll never be bothered by me again.
- Where are you going?
- Going back to where I belong.
No, please, no, Sam, don't go.
Look, I know I acted rather oddly
tonight, but I really wasn't myself.
But I am now.
I really don't want you to go.
You mean that?
Yes, I do. More than you know.
I love you.
Oh, don't say that
unless you mean it.
I love you too much for that.
So do I.
Wait, I forgot the bouquet.
Okay, girls, back there by the door.
- Well, buddy, your dream came true.
- Yeah, it sure did.
- Thanks for helping.
- Hey, what are friends for, huh?
Yeah, Mark, I'm a married man.
Come on, Sam.
You don't understand.
I know, I know.
But we can still be friends.
Thanks.
- I don't know how to thank you.
- Hey, I didn't do anything.
Well, maybe you can thank
the boss for me.
Why don't you do that yourself?
His number's not unlisted.
I will.
All right, here we go.
Hey, well, good luck.
I don't know how you live
with this fur.
I don't know who you live
with those heels.
- Good luck.
- See you.
Have a good one.
See you on the set on Monday.
I guess you learned a little something
from all this, huh?
You bet I did.
You know, people have got it tough.
I don't mean just men, I don't mean
just women, I mean people.
I don't know about that.
What do you mean,
you don't know about that?
Look how complicated
their relationships are.
Everybody's got all these fears
and hang-ups.
Hey, Jonathan, look at that bull
out in the pasture.
Now, you think he's got
any hang-ups?
Do you think he worries about
being too macho,
or about success or money?
No, sirree, bob, boy.
He has got it made.
I mean, all the grass he can eat.
Let me tell you,
that's what I call living.
Oh, no, wait a minute,
that's not what I meant.
Jonathan. Jonathan, do something,
will you?
Jonathan. Jonathan, wait.
Jonathan, wait. My car.
Jonathan, don't let him wreck my car.