01x03 - I'm Getting Close to This Guru Bastard

[bunniefuu]

Help me! I need a doctor!

And I lost my nipple!

- You can't come back here.

- Here! Help me! I saved it!

- Sir, you can't come back here.

- I have it! I

I need an orderly over here!

What? I'm just taking a nap.

Okay.

What are you looking at?

Get the f*ck outta here.

f*ck.

Okay.

Ooh.

As you can see, it's

a great neighborhood.

- It's a great park at the market.

- The house has great bones.

Oh, it's charming.

- Charming. Really authentic to the desert.

- Yeah. Yeah.

I really love it.

Come on.

Oh.

sh*t.

I'm sorry, would you

excuse me for a second?

Oh, yeah, sure.

What the hell happened? Are you okay?

What are you doing here? And

who's your spiffy little friend?

What happened to your car?

Hit-and-run. I'm never

going to that Walmart again.

- Were you in it when it happened?

- Course not.

A black box couldn't

have survived that thing.

Who are you?

- Oh. Chris Cooly, Gallantry Realty.

- This is Chris.

How are you?

This is Chris.

- We're not selling.

- Really?

- Take your comps and go.

- Peg You cannot afford the mortgage.

- Let's at least get it appraised.

- Go, go, go. Get out! Get out of here!

- Okay. Okay.

- Stewart and I will call you.

- Thank you. Nice to meet you.

- We will not call you.

- Don't wait for the call.

- I am so sorry, Chris.

- At the right time.

- Never.

Damn it.

Tell me you at least have insurance.

I have liability only. They're

vultures, these companies.

They charge you a hundred

bucks just to fart in the car.

Are you gonna answer it?

Why do you never answer your phone?

- Telemarketers!

- You're driving me crazy.

Some boiler room in New

Delhi's been trying to get

into my bank account

all week. I'm onto 'em.

Great.

Look at that

crema. That's a work of art.

Next time, I'll make you a flower.

Hey, you want some steaks?

No. And why do you

have all those steaks?

Oh, I know a guy.

Hey

I-I need a little down payment

for a car because obviously

that thing's unsafe.

And I'm working up a case.

I'll pay you back.

At this point, maybe a chauffeured

limousine would be cheaper.

Is that what Stewart said?

Are you quoting him?

We both say it.

- Dianne, don't be tofu.

- Oh, come on.

Don't take on the season of

whatever's in the pot with you.

I can think for myself, okay?

- This is a gigantic case. Believe me.

- Okay.

Right. This is the "PI thing?"

Oh, it's real. It's not

an "air quotes thing."

Where do you think I

was last night? Huh?

I was working. Big-time stakeout.

You'll read about it soon.

And don't you show this

house again when I'm gone.

All right.

- I'll deposit some money for a new car.

- Thank you.

But this is a family house,

Peggy. This is my house too.

Of course, honey.

It's like a Kn*fe in the back.

I could live in a refrigerator

box for all they care.

Oh, I know.

And you know what? Guess

what? The joke's on them.

I'm about to make some serious bank.

Yes, you are. And

you know why? Cooper and I

Well, mostly Cooper,

scoured the Internet

and found some goods on this guru guy.

f*ck him. What did he do? Is

he a felon? A crook? I knew it.

Check this out. His wife went missing.

Wife m*rder*r. Oh.

Donatella's dead.

Well, she won't be needing these.

He claimed that she left

him and went to Mexico.

My money's on she's dead.

Never been deader.

Right? And the family never bought

it. There was a $70,000 reward.

Well, there still might be.

We need to find that out.

Oh, sh*t. We gotta get that

money. That's our money.

Yes! We need that chaos.

We need some noise, Peg.

- I'm your girl.

- Yas!

Excuse me. How much to

put locks on the windows, huh?

Bring awareness to your left foot.

Now starting with the big toe,

breathe into each toe one by one.

As sensation in your toes increases,

you trust that you are safe,

you are good and you are whole.

f*ck.

Hey!

Get that thing out of here.

Go. I have a client coming.

Hey, I wanna talk to you

about this Guru Bob bastard.

Aren't you supposed to be in class?

Yeah, he's starting late today.

It's going great, by the way.

I need to see your notes.

Good luck with that. They're in my head.

Listen, I set up the meeting

for you at Pioneertown.

All you gotta do is go

in and seal the deal.

What did you do today?

You know what I've done today?

I cleaned the bathroom

in case my last big client

needs to take a piss.

- The sh*t you should be doing.

- That's not what I was hired for.

Because I get no help

from my sole employee,

who's driving around in something

out of The Banana Splits.

Hey, this guru's got

stolen paintings everywhere.

Plus, his wife went missing,

which means, hello, reward.

You're not gonna get the 70

grand. She doesn't wanna be found.

You knew about this?

You haven't heard about this?

Where am I gonna hear about it,

the cancan line at Pioneertown?

Look, she left a note. She

drained the bank account.

They found her car in Mexico.

The family, they wanted answers.

So yeah, I'm sure.

There was a reward. Was.

This is huge.

No, I just told you it's not.

Now get that thing outta here.

I got a client coming in any minute.

- Okay, look. Ready?

- Oh.

Eat the Frito pie. And you're welcome.

Okay, go!

Hey, Carol. Check it out. My new car.

They wanted me

to get something sensible.

Peggy, your mother is

getting on the bus.

The mother I told you about?

I think so.

Oh, please follow her.

Send me the coordinates.

I'll be right there!

- I gotta go.

- Okay.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Wait, wait, wait. Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

- I got your car!

- The keys are in it!

Yeah.

There are empty seats.

Pretty day, huh?

Palm Springs. They're all the same.

Where are you from?

Once upon a time, New York.

Syosset.

You look so much

like someone I used to know.

Oh. She was gorgeous, by the way.

You're not trying to pick me up, are ya?

No way. I got too much on my plate.

I suppose I'm from

the City of Angels too.

Yeah?

I was an actress.

You seem like you'd be very good.

- I was.

- Oh.

I was a day player on every show

from Gunsmoke to B.J. and the Bear.

Was that last one a p*rn?

No. It was about a monkey

on the road. It was very big.

I get it. Monkeys are hypnotic.

This is my stop up here.

No, no, no. I need your number first.

I know a shitload of people in theater.

I think I can make

something happen for you.

You're not done yet. Not by a long sh*t.

She's an actress, right?

Yeah.

This might sound crazy, Peg,

but you should make a play.

She could portray Roslyn, and

you could work all your sh*t out.

Honey, this is perfect.

It's like Roslyn put her here.

Oh, my God.

Gimme your phone.

I'm putting in an alert for every hour

to remind you to write this play.

A little structure will be good for you.

Look, your phone's

ringing. It looks important.

It's those Mumbai scammers.

Okay. Ah. Peggy Newman.

This is Palm Desert

Hospital and Medical Center.

Please don't hang up.

We have a patient here

named Bob Scarborough.

- Hey.

- Your number was on his forearm

- Scarborough.

- and he's been reluctant

to give us any other contact numbers.

- You're here for Bob Scarborough?

- Yes.

We couldn't save the nipple.

He's pretty bummed about it.

It's a mistake of nature anyway.

- He'll need to be on pain meds.

- Don't be shy with those.

Sir, your friend's here.

Hi. I'll take it.

Not my friend.

What are you doing here?

They said you were calling

my name out on the floor.

Well, I don't know your name.

Let's go get your pain meds.

You know, you could have

helped me last night.

They were clearly threatening me.

Oh, what am I, your big brother?

I gave you wide eyes.

I gave you hostage

video eyes, and I am deformed now.

Look, I'm sorry.

Anyway, here.

Stay ahead of the pain.

It's the key to life. You take two.

So why were your friends at

the driveway so upset with you?

Can I have my Tater Tots, please?

This ride isn't free, by the by.

It's going to cost you three

G's, made out to Pioneertown.

Your girlfriend, Tammy?

She got a boob job for you.

And she stole the money to do it.

I never asked her to do that.

H-How do they look? The

Some guru.

Could I have my Tater Tots, please?

I want the money, capisce?

Tots for tits.

So what is this anyway?

"Investigative Series: Death at a Spa."

Is this for real?

It's a Newsey. You've

heard of Newseys, right?

I heard of a Pulitzer.

Newseys are just for

television news exclusively.

Never heard of it.

An Emmy I've heard of.

They got two wings.

Yours has only got one.

It's a lot more specific.

Eh, it's more like a door prize.

It's very prestigious.

So, this is the real deal, huh?

You know somebody. An art buyer.

I know lots of people, hon.

So, how does a local news

anchor afford a Picasso?

Uh, my wife.

You have a wife, huh?

Where is she?

She's gone. I have to go

to sleep. I'm very tired.

We'll talk about your art guy tomorrow.

Where's your checkbook, Bobby?

In the drawer in the

kitchen. It's just Bob.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Hey. Come on.

You look like an escaped mental patient.

Okay. Oh, sh What now?

Are we gonna have sex?

I gotta write a play.

You said you have a

buyer. You know somebody.

Of course. Here. Okay.

Here.

Sign this. Four grand.

Good boy.

Okay.

Hush, hush, hush, hush.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

"Peggy enters center

stage, totally radiant." Peggy.

"This is a play about love and regret."

"Much like Hamilton."

Good.

What the f*ck does he know?

All right there.

Put the feed in your hand.

Flat, just like that.

Wow. Uh, this is for $4,000.

He wanted to take care of it,

but he'd like you to

handle something also.

He wants Pioneertown to

move on, no questions asked.

Investigations can be hostile.

- It was Tammy.

- Not confirming, not denying.

The point is, forget about it.

- You changed the combo?

- Yes, I did.

And no, I'm not gonna

tell you what it is.

So we're covered,

especially since you

have a security team now.

What security team?

We talked about this, Owen.

What did we talk about

right here in this room?

Bruce Harvey Investigations.

Oh, um

I have to talk to Mother.

When? When she's changing your diaper?

You're the leader of this outfit, Owen.

You gotta lead.

How much does it cost?

And what does he even do?

What don't we do? I'll set up a

sit-down. I'm late for a rehearsal.

What are you rehearsing?

I can't even read this.

Are you legally blind?

No, it's chicken

scratch. It's illegible.

This is the last day of your life.

You say, "I'm going to Long Island."

You're dying. You're in and out.

And I go, "We don't live

on Long Island anymore."

And then you say,

"I'm going to see my

parents in Germany."

And my line is, "What the

f*ck you talking about?"

It's all right there.

Well, will we get typed pages?

Take five.

Roger.

Peggy.

Is that Axe body spray?

Oh, it's Shalimar.

No perfume in Pioneertown,

even in accounting.

Oh, also, the saloon area

is a closed set today.

I'll have to ask you

both to turn around.

Good day.

Is this word "Nazis?"

Germany is still full of Nazis.

Isn't this the 1870s?

Peggy?

Peggy? What is that?

What What is that sign?

You didn't say anything

to me about any play.

Take another five.

I told you we were in rehearsals.

Hey, Slide City has the surf.

We've got the turf.

We're offering an alternate

to fast-moving water.

And that, my friend, is

heart-wrenching drama.

Look, I don't wanna jinx it,

but I think that this is going

to be like Hamilton

in terms of word of mouth.

It's gonna be a frenzy.

What is?

You haven't I don't know what it is.

What is it?

Perhaps the greatest tale ever told,

wrapped in a full

professional production.

Hey, you see that lady?

She look familiar?

Yes Maybe. I

Okay, yeah. Where

have I seen her before?

Everywhere.

She brings pedigree, Owen. We need

that. She's been in everything.

Tremendous following.

Crowds are gonna flock in to see her,

and it's not going to cost you a dime.

Yeah, I've seen her. I

I have. Definitely, for sure.

You've seen Designing Women?

Oh, my God.

- The Wire?

- Yes. Wait, she was on The Wire?

- Everything but.

- Oh.

Slide City cannot compete with this.

Okay, fine. All right. Um, go practice.

Do your rehearsing. Act away.

All right. We're back.

Ginger, from the top.

Here, here. Write this down.

Mommy says, "Get me a kreplach."

No. Make it a cheese Danish.

- Did you seriously change the locks?

- I told you the money is on the way.

- I'm a PI now.

- Oh, really? You don't look like a PI.

I'm working a m*rder case.

Oh, my God. Peggy Peggy,

that looks just like Mommy.

Right? I'm making a play with her

for the catharsis

Aristotle talked about.

I'm purging all my mommy sh*t

so it doesn't give me cancer.

I could write a scene for

you. It's like therapy.

No, I'd rather just take

a key to the house instead.

I don't have a spare.

Really? You made one key? That's

just great, Peggy. Real great.

- Thank you, as always.

- Let's go. Come on, Ginger. Let's go.

Come. Ignore her.

I just gotta get that reward.

Mommy would be so proud

of me if I pull in 70K.

Hey, did you learn anything in

that class about missing persons?

Yes. In fact, I researched what

happened before she disappeared.

You've gotta see it. I

got it off of YouTube.

It's when he lost his job.

I guess I'll go look

at that because I know him now.

Hey! Jus Hey!

She just took all your wine.

The whole bottle.

Oh, it's a cheap bottle of

sauv blanc. She'll enjoy it.

Wait, are you attracted to this guy?

Who, the guru bastard? No.

Am I?

Maybe in the past, but no more.

I choose not to be

attracted to him, so I'm not.

Okay, good.

It's pirated, 'cause they took it down.

Let's take you to Palm Canyon Drive.

We are hearing that a massive sinkhole

has collapsed there,

swallowing a tourist.

Alicia Herrera's on the ground.

She has all of the

late-breaking details.

Alicia, what can you tell

us about this tragedy?

Hold on. Hold, hold, hold,

hold. Hold on a second.

Is this a tragedy?

It doesn't even really matter.

It's just death. I mean

That's where we're all headed.

Today, a tourist joined

the cosmic beach.

Who cares? 'Cause everything else

All of this is stupid. It

doesn't matter, you know?

You and your problems,

- her cheating-ass husband

- The hell, Bob?

All of it is stupid.

Everything is stupid.

- Everything is stupid.

- Well, he's not wrong.

Death is f*cking coming for all of us,

- and it will blow your f*cking mind.

- I am so sorry. Bob.

Barb, shut the f*ck up.

- Everybody f*cking hates you.

- Bob!

- Bob.

- And you should not wear red. Ever!

A lot of people think like that.

Why do you think they call him Guru Bob?

What the f*ck is that?

What's that? The f*ck is

that? Is that the cops?

- Is that you, Bezos?

- It's Cooper.

Chad bought it for her.

Jesus! So she's back there, just

drinking your sauvignon blanc?

There's so much more in the garage.

This is just insane.

It was not a stolen check.

I got the check from Peggy Newman.

- It was Peggy's check!

- There.

Well, Peggy didn't try and cash it.

Thumb, please.

- People are such disappointments.

- Hey.

You can't smoke in here.

I don't smoke.

Oh, hey. While I'm waiting,

I'd like to request a

missing person's report.

Oh. Name?

Donatella Scarborough.

Ah. There he is.

Hey.

Thank you for getting me out.

You're fired.

Hey. Oh, you're okay now. Take

it easy. I'm taking care of it.

No. What you can take care of, Peggy,

is cleaning out your

locker because you're fired.

I don't even have my own

locker. I share with Jeannie,

which, considering my

seniority, is a travesty.

Look, I'll get you the money.

No, no, no. You are out of time.

And plus, I don't trust you anymore.

Trust is just a construct. So is time.

And speaking of which,

I'll get it by tonight.

Tomorrow, the latest,

- by midnight, plus interest.

- No, no, no. No more deals.

I'll get the charges dropped.

The charges have to be

dropped within an hour.

Give me five.

- Your mom's on board.

- What?

Look, I had a little

talk with her, woman to woman.

I knew you were scared to.

Who do you think put up the bail?

God. Bitch.

Owen, don't worry.

Hey, the show that I'm

doing is gonna grab people

by their throats and rip their

hearts out through their eyeballs.

Wh

Open up, you bastard!

My boss spent the day in the cooler.

You're paying me and

dropping those charges.

I want the money.

Let's discuss it at dinner.

Dinner?

- When?

- Right now.

Where are we talking?

Cheesecake Factory.

Ah. Ruth's Chris.

- Outback.

- Geraldo of Rome.

Fine.

You're paying.

- Mmm.

- So, this art guy

Is he still in the game?

Is he still an art dealer?

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

And weapons and dope.

And kidneys, probably.

So, what's your business with him?

So, I want to sell

something from my collection.

- A Picasso?

- No, a Cézanne.

Uh-huh.

My buyer fell through.

What about Sotheby's?

Their commissions are horrible.

Uh-huh. What's it called?

It is called.

- View of Auvers de

- something.

A View of Auvers-sur-Oise?

Yes.

'Cause that painting was stolen in '99.

Hmm.

Yeah, I can help you.

For a commission.

How much do you want for it?

I could let you have

it for a million, three.

I need 20 grand as a finder's fee and

four grand up front for Tammy's jugs,

plus for you to drop the

bogus charges against Owen.

And if that check doesn't clear,

I'm taking the other nipple.

You are a huntress.

Is this part of your guru act?

No, no, no. Just an observation.

I saw your, uh, prophet bit on the news.

By the way, most people

can't handle the truth.

That's what I always say.

Oh, there's your friend.

Yeah, you're leaking a little.

She's following me.

What's her beef?

How soon can you reach your guy?

Who, Kachel?

I can reach him tonight. Tomorrow.

Wednesday, the latest.

I don't know if he'll come personally,

but he's got people, you know?

I need you to give me

Tammy's money tonight.

And I need you to drop those charges.

Yeah, I don't carry a checkbook on me.

You stole one of my checks?

Why didn't you just go

ahead and sign it too?

That would be illegal and trashy.

Fine.

And Dianne is calling again.

- That's my sister. Just give me a minute.

- Ah.

Guess where I am right now.

Well, you're not home,

because I am at the house,

- and Denny is trying to get in here.

- Hey, Dianne, open the door.

- Guess he's out of jail now, huh?

- Hey, you know,

- this is really still my house,

- She's not here, Denny!

I'm not getting any bars.

- Could you call the police?

- Open up!

How did you get in my house?

I can call a locksmith too, you know.

It is a family house.

But it's not your residence, it's

my residence. It's where I reside.

- This This is nice.

- Mmm.

Yeah. Can we just talk about this?

Honey, do you think this place

is a little expensive for a guy

- that owes people money?

- No, that's why

Tell Denny he can take a flying f*ck.

- You tell Denny

- Excuse me.

to take his rap sheet

and his shitty choices

and shove them up his criminal ass.

- I'm done.

- No, I am done.

Tell him we're gonna be

divorced by default in 11 days,

and I'm counting them.

And you too, Dianne.

Get out of my house!

Get out of my residence.

Ma'am, there are children here,

- and I'm gonna need you to tone it down.

- I'm done! Take it down a notch!

Christ on a truck.

I gotta go.

Who's Denny?

My f*cking husband.

- Hmm.

- When did that happen?

Ooh, is that your car?

Nice friends.

At least they left you the other nipple.

Wow. There she is.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Early release.