01x02 - Two Knockers and No Boyfriend = A Felony

[bunniefuu]

Necrophilia Nancy 38.

Me! Bingo! Bingo. Bingo.

Nipple 32.

And a big boner four.

I am feeling horny for orgasm 69.

I got it! 69! 69.

I've got I've got bingo. Bingo!

Listen to me.

You're beautiful.

And you're strong, and

you're gonna outlive us all.

Don't take any sh*t from anybody.

Now go get 'em. Huh?

Hey. What happened?

- Hey, Milton.

- Hey, Peggy.

What happened is you stole

$3,000 from my safe, Peggy.

Look at the footage. Have

you looked at the footage?

It's broken.

And what's that?

- They left the rest.

- What is that, like two grand?

- Fifteen hundred.

- Have you met me?

You think I'd leave

1,500 bucks on the table?

And this animal who jacked

your safe, they weren't a pro.

How'd they cr*ck it?

They used the combination.

Well, I don't have the

combination, so I'm cleared.

Uh, you're the one who

comes in here for the Keurig,

which is against the rules by the way.

So, nobody else sneaks

in here for the Keurig?

Everybody uses the Keurig, Owen.

What are you doing, Peggy?

All right, we got 20 empty K-Cups here.

I can't drink that much

shitty coffee in a week.

Somebody knows the

combo to that safe, Owen.

Nobody knows the combo.

Unless… … indulge

me, everybody knows the combo.

- Hey.

- What are you doing?

I'm following a hunch here.

I know the P-town alarm code.

What's the alarm code, Owen?

This is the safe, Peggy.

Everybody who opens or closes

this place knows the alarm code.

So I wonder if

Two, 18, 50.

It's the same as the

alarm code. What is it with this?

It's my mother's birthday.

What?

It's my mother's birthday.

So your mother's birthday is

the skeleton key for your entire life?

Look, clean up your passwords

and get over your mother.

She's not that into you.

Come on, let me take

the kid, she's innocent.

Pioneertown's security

is a real sh*t show,

so that's the first job

that I'm bringing in,

but that's chump change.

But if this Picasso's what

I think it is, and it is,

the finder's fee is one million.

And if you think I'm

taking just 10% of that,

- you're out of your mind.

- Look at this. Who does this?

So listen,

one, we get the reward.

Two, we get the press.

Three, we parlay that

spotlight into huge jobs.

So, we get into this guru's

house, we vet that f*cking Picasso,

and if it is the one from the

Paris heist, then we can

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm trying to download some new…

… security software.

I got my last big

client coming tomorrow,

and if he doesn't think I'm up to speed,

we're gonna be working

outta my car next week.

Ah, Jesus.

No, you don't chew enough. I've noticed.

What about my plan, huh?

Just plan on getting to class on time.

The guy's doing us a favor.

Don't make me look bad.

Come on, this f*cking class?

After everything I've accomplished?

It's been one week.

Ten days. Plus, school's for morons.

I'm already flying.

You want me to crawl?

Do you wanna be more than an intern?

An unpaid associate.

You got to learn the law,

learn what a PI can do, legally.

How 'bout that, huh? I'm

not going to jail for you.

- I could do this sh*t in my sleep.

- Wonderful. All right.

Please.

Okay, I already downloaded

it, you stupid f*ck!

That's it. Okay.

Let's see.

Yeah, that's something.

Um.

Ah, yes.

Where is

Welcome to the Security Guard

and Private Investigator Training.

Can I get your name?

Let's just see how it goes first.

To become a certified PI,

you'll need 50 hours of training.

Let's begin with the syllabus.

Sorry, violent stomach

issues. I'm sorry.

I don't have 50 hours to

spend with Grandfather Time.

That guy's remedial, I'm a prodigy.

Did you sign in, in the class?

No, I refused.

So, he doesn't know what

Peggy Newman looks like.

Anybody could be Peggy Newman.

I could be Peggy Newman.

I can sit there, I can take this class.

And then I can learn how to hack,

and then I can get into the databases

and find out what the

government knows about me.

This is great.

And you can help me find

this f*cking guru's house

and maybe I can check out his Picasso.

We're gonna k*ll it

together. I love you, Carol.

Mommy! Hey, lady! Mommy!

I just saw my mother, I swear to God.

- Carol, it was Roslyn.

- Wait, you saw her in the casket, right?

Yeah but, I'm telling you,

Mommy just got on the bus.

Carol, do you hear me?

Could I be dead right now?

I can hear you.

Are you dead with me?

Hey! Are you seeing me right now?

Yes or no?

Hmm? Wh

Okay, thank you.

You know what, I think

I'm okay over here, yeah.

That's weird, that was like

a acid flashback or something,

but I get those all the

time, but this was different.

Okay, I gotta get to rehearsal.

Siobhan's always

trying to reinvent the cancan.

Gotta go. Okay.

All right, I know y'all are excited to

get to the cartwheel,

but first, we twirl.

And five, six, seven, eight,

twirl, twirl. Get in line, good.

Hop, hop, hop, kick.

Hop, hop, hop, kick.

Hop, hop, hop, kick.

Hop, hop, hop, kick. Oh.

Rehearsal's over, Peggy.

I'll catch up.

Well, we added a few twirls.

- Easy.

- All right,

let's take it from

the top then, shall we?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Twirl, twirl, twirl.

Get in line, Peggy.

Hop, hop, hop, kick.

Hop, hop, not it, Peggy.

- Hop, hop, hop, kick. And keep twirling.

- I got you.

Peggy, okay.

Good job, ladies.

Oh, Peggy.

I would like to see you outside of

work hours, in 21st century clothes.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, huh?

I keep thinkin' about what you said,

that there's one great love left in you.

Yep. I want what Isolde and

Tristan had or nothing less.

Uh, well, you know they d*ed at the end.

Ah, just their flesh. Trees

sprang out of their graves.

Look, we have chemistry, okay.

Yeah.

And I'm no prude.

I've had more sex than Wilt Chamberlain,

so I know a thing or

two about the flesh,

but I need that thing

that I have always missed.

And maybe that's you and me.

It takes time to figure it out.

Ah.

So, if that means that you

need to see other people,

I can live with that.

Hmm.

- What about Brenda from Accounting?

- sh*t-bag.

- With the owl pins?

- Well

- I can live with that.

- He dumped me.

- He threw me out half-naked.

- I know.

Oh.

Look who decided to come

back to her job after a week.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

She's got big old jugs.

She didn't have big jugs before.

Why doesn't he love me?

- Okay.

- Do you want a hug? Oh, my God.

He dumped her.

Where did she get those? Jugs cost coin.

I love watching your mind work.

I can get you the money

back, plus interest,

but I get the Pioneertown

security contract.

No, not if you don't tell me who it was.

Hey, I'm no rat.

You should've seen the

look on my mother's face.

I've seen it. She has one look.

You can interpret it lots of ways.

She was very upset about

this. She was very upset at me.

Yeah, well, her birthday

was used against her.

That money was for the

President's Day show,

which is make-it-or-break-it

time for us.

And I had to get this new safe.

Have you heard about Slide City?

They're expanding, and it's

not just water slides anymore.

No, now they got surfing.

Their billboards are insane.

Well, we can expand too.

Bring in some Civil w*r sh*t.

I'm sad that somebody

out there, one of them,

- somebody that I treat like family…

- Do you?

… walked in here and stole from me.

Get the cops off our back,

I'll get you the money back.

It'll clean you up with your mother.

You have 24 hours.

Yeah, I'd like 72 or four days.

Forty-eight hours, it's

two days, but no more.

I'm serious Peggy, no more.

- Okay, fine, agreed. Sixty hours.

- No Peggy!

Whiskey.

I ain't seen you around

these parts before, stranger.

There's been a crime and your

tits are the smoking g*n, hon.

You damn cheater!

Here we go!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Two knockers and no boyfriend

equals a felony, and you know it.

Uh-uh?

They got prints off the safe.

- I had to! I had to do it!

- Oh, Jesus.

He was gonna pay for them

but then he broke up with me.

I need the edge to get him back.

He can have anybody he wants, Peggy.

You can do better than that ass bag!

Look out!

He's a celebrity and a guru.

He does this thing where he

puts his fingers all over my face

and I can't tell you how powerful it is.

Do you wanna go to jail

for this f*cking guy?

I'll scrape it together.

I'll pay it back.

Can you tell them?

I'll scrape it together for you if

you'll swear off of this fucknut, okay?

- Really?

- He is a fraud and a creep.

Take a look at yourself.

Come on, now.

Okay, you do look good.

Okay? Especially for three

grand, which is insane!

Look, I'll take care of it, okay?

What's this f*cking swami's address?

Ah!

Okay.

- Uh-uh, I'm just picking up some cash.

- Oh, may I have the keys?

- J-Just 'cause I have to move it?

- I don't want it scratched.

Thank you.

As you exhale, release

the bondage of perception.

Look again.

Can you see what it is now?

Can you see the masterpiece

that's in front of you?

Yeah, I don't like it.

- It's

- Okay, um,

- close your eyes again.

- Uh, no, nah.

That was making me

nauseous. None of that.

Sotheby's just sold a

Picasso for 30 million.

- It was a lot bigger than this one…

- Oh.

… but this really is the most

important painting in all of cubism.

The Pigeon with peas

started a revolution.

Where's the pigeon? I

don't even see the pigeon.

- It's a The pigeon's in there.

- Can you point out, like,

- a beak or anything?

- Uh, no, I can't point out a beak.

What I can point out

is that this painting

has not been on the market for decades

and that window is rapidly

closing, so can you afford it?

Or perhaps the question

should really be,

"Can you afford not to afford it?"

I can I can afford it,

I just don't like it. It's stupid.

This is cubism. It is total nonsense,

yes. But it is high nonsense.

No, it's not.

He's f*cking with perception, memory,

the whole time-space continuum.

Yes.

But, in a sense, he is using

an impressionistic expression

Does the bullshit ever stop with you?

It has nothing to do with impressionism.

What you're looking at here is the

past and the future in the present.

- His point is to blow your f*cking mind.

- Exactly!

Picasso's defiance is

the point of this piece.

- It is literally surreal.

- It's not surreal.

This whole f*cking

conversation is surreal.

Would you stop talking?

Can Can I just

W-What was that? You

just cost me a deal.

You may as well have robbed me.

Uh-huh. How much do you

want? I know some people.

What people? You don't know people.

Y No pictures. It's

not the Grand Canyon.

Who are you, lady?

Look, I used to nude model

in New York. Long story.

Anyway, I met this art guy through

Gagosian back in the day, a real shark.

Let's just say he knows

his way around provenance.

I picked up a thing or two.

- And he sold paintings or…

- All of it.

I mean, lithographs, paintings,

sculptures, a few weapons.

Uh-huh. Well, what say we start over?

I don't believe we've met.

No.

- So who did you come with?

- Nobody.

So you're a guru, huh?

- How does that work?

- Let me show you.

Mmm.

No, no, no, no. That sh*t

doesn't work on me. I'm not Tammy.

Ah, you see, I knew you

were working something.

You owe her three grand.

You ordered a pair of jugs and

you left her holding the bag

- and I'm here to collect.

- Okay, how do you know Tammy?

Colleagues.

Uh-huh. I'm gonna have

to ask you to leave.

I know real gurus.

I know a guy who can sit cross-legged

in the air. Can you do that?

- Can you go?

- I want Tammy's money.

She took it for you and now

she's looking at jail time.

Meditate on that.

If you truly are a guru,

you'll see the barbarity here.

- Hey, can you Can I

- Everything's stupid.

Hey, what are you

C-Can you Can you not?

Here. Call me when you

have a change of heart.

- Front door's right down the stairs.

- I gotta piss. I need privacy.

- No.

- Ooh, violent stomach issues.

- No, no.

- I'll be back.

No, no. No, not that way. No.

- Uh, can you unlock the door, please?

- Ooh, mmm.

Hello?

Ah!

That's That's my room.

"Donatella"?

Ah, I'll be right out, Maharishi.

Ah!

- Hello? Open the door.

- Ah! It hurts!

Ugh. I take a lot of Ibuprofen.

It's a nightmare. Don't ask.

Let me know if you need some.

All right, all right.

- Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

- Well, no. It It's not okay.

If the real one's in Boston,

why'd I pay three million for this?

I swear, I didn't know.

You're lying.

Ah, this is my daughter, Heather.

Hello.

I need my money, Robert.

I I I don't have it right now.

I mean, I have it, but

it's not really liquid.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Can I take it off?

Hey, I can get it. I

can I can get the money.

When can you get it?

Well, I

mean, it's three million dollars.

It's gonna take me a second.

- Hey, just Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Can I take it, Daddy?

- Jesus Christ, lady!

- Give it a nick. Just a nick.

No, no! sh*t!

Oh, good. I wanted to meet the caterer.

Who thought of putting

together watermelon and feta?

Ooh… unbelievable!

Bruce Harvey Investigations.

Leave a message. I'll get back to you.

Big headline. I found

the guy with the painting.

You remember that

"Everything's stupid" guy?

The anchorman who went nuts and

started calling himself "guru."

That's him.

Weird sh*t is going down there.

Crazy house, possible stolen

paintings, people with knives.

Plus his nipple's bleeding.

Call me.

I've got it! I've got

I've got bingo. Bingo!

I saw a

prescription bottle at the guru's.

I just happened to see it.

- It was for a Donatella Scarborough.

- Ooh. Donatella Scarborough.

I'm gonna Internet stalk that sh*t.

Where are you right now?

I'm at the Grand Oasis.

I just wanna play bingo and I

don't even have money for dabbers.

Listen. Listen to me.

I want you to say something

out loud. "Money comes easily."

"Money comes… easily."

That's right.

"Money comes easily."

"Money comes easily."

Hey, you wanna smoke a joint?

Yeah, it's just what I need right now.

I can do better than that.

Yeah?

How much?

- They're usually 50 each.

- Mm-mmm.

I I could do 30.

Four for a hundred.

You're on.

All right, you sinners.

g*ngb*ng 49.

Bingo!

Oh, honey, you don't have bingo.

You have a big f*cking mouth though.

Someone didn't bring his hearing aids.

Uh, bestiality bingo 14.

I didn't sign up for this.

Oh, oh! You have it. You have it.

Look, look, look!

And a blow job for one!

Just a little humble boink 14.

Nasty, evil 32!

Ah! Bingo!

Oh! Bingo!

- You got Tammy's money or not?

- No!

No? That's what

you're calling to say to me?

No! No, no!

- No, no, no! No! No!

- Hey!

- No, no!

- I can say no, too!

No calling without Tammy's money!

No money, no calling.

- Hey, no.

- Who's that?

Help me! Help!

- Oh, God!

- What else are you hiding?

No f*cking wasting my time,

you quack-chiseling shyster.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, sh*t.