04x09 - Crimes of the Hearth

[bunniefuu]

(HUMS)

Oh!

(YELPING)

Oh!

Well, goodnight, Kraus.

Benson! Help me!

Need a push to get started?

No, help me down!

Oh, okay.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, am I
interrupting something?

Oh, Katie. It's not
what it looks like.

Yeah, I was just helping
Kraus down from her perch.

I guess around here
that's a reasonable
explanation.

Yeah. Frightening, isn't it?

Katie, you look so grown up
in your new dress.

Thank you.
Now that you're older,
you'll be staying up

for lots of these
late-night parties.

Yeah.

Tonight, I got to meet
water commissioners.

Well, no one said
growing up was easy.

Right. See you tomorrow!
Good night.

BOTH: Good night.

Well...
Well, what?

Aren't you going to ask me
what I was doing?

Hanging from the molding?

I thought it was
mating season.

I was after a cobweb.

Kraus, you want a cobweb?
Spin your own.

Forget it, Benson.
I'm going to bed.

Need a boost?

Oh, there you are, Benson.

Listen, Pete was looking
for you, but he left.

Why?

I expect because
he couldn't find you.

No, I mean, why was he
looking for me, sir?

Oh, he wanted to tell you
that part of your speech

to the water commissioners
will be on the : news.

Oh, really?
What time is it?

Benson, they call it
the : news for a reason.

No, I meant,
do you have the time?

Well, sure.
The guests are all gone.

I've got nothing better
to do.

I'll watch it in bed.

Uh, sir, I...

Now listen, Benson,
you better hurry.

You'll be late.
It's already :.

Right, sir.

Good night.

Good night, Benson.

He must be tired.
He seems awfully confused.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Hey, Pete, what's happening?

Oh, terrific.
How'd I look?

Oh, is it still on?

What channel?

Okay.

(CLICKS REMOTE)

It's gone.

My television is gone.

I'll check with you
later, Pete.

Well,

it looks like I've been... Oh!

Well, that's it.
I've been robbed.

That's it.
That's good.

Hey, Benson.
(SCREAMS)

Hey, Frank. Frank...
What are you doing?

Just trying to be
a good neighbor.

By scaring me half to death?
How'd you get in here?

Your burglar forgot to lock up
when he left.

Hey, he was in
and out of here in no time.

You saw him?
Watched the whole thing.

You saw him rob my place,
yet you did nothing
to try to stop him?

Are you kidding?
Suppose he stole your g*n?

Frank,
I don't have a g*n.

Oh, another sitting duck.
No wonder he robbed you.

Frank,
I could get a g*n.

Let me call the police.

Uh, better not.
I already called.

If you call twice, it annoys
them, and they don't come.

(SLAMS PHONE)

Hey, look,
he took the coffee maker.

If I ever get my hands
on this guy,
I'm gonna k*ll him.

Hey, you're angry,
right, Benson?

That's always
the first reaction.

Microwave oven.
Brand-new microwave oven!

Soon you're gonna start
to feel vulnerable,

like he could just barge in
here anytime they want.

Something funny
over there.

What was over here?
The stereo!

Then fear sets in.
Suppose he was still here.

Suppose he was armed.
Suppose he was violent.

Suppose you shut up.

Eh. A little touchy tonight,
Benson?

Yes, I'm a little touchy.
I'm upset.

I might even be violent,
so watch what you say.

Well, one good thing.
(CHUCKLES)

He took
that ugly painting.

Out.

Out, out,
out, out, out, out!

Well, I guess
that about wraps it up.

About wraps it up?
You're leaving?

We should have been
out of here minutes ago.

If I'm not mistaken, you just
got here minutes ago.

Come on, Andrea.
Move it!

Hang on, George. I want
to take another look upstairs.

Wait.

Typical rookie.
My partner.

All the cops in burglary,
I wind up with Nancy Drew.

Can we talk about
the burglary?

Sure, if it
makes you feel better.

So, what happens now?

You file
an insurance claim.

Any chance
of getting the stuff back?

You're the only one
in the world who lost
a stereo, right?

Let me ask you something,
Mr. DuBois.

If we find anything
on this list,

how you gonna prove
it's yours?

Maybe he recorded
the serial numbers.

Nobody ever does that.

They do if they're smart.

Mr. DuBois?

Well, I always meant to.

Do you have any photographs
of the stolen items?

Yeah, I keep a scrapbook.

"My Appliances:
The Early Years."

Mr. DuBois,

you really should have taken
some kind of precaution.

Did it ever occur to you
to install an alarm system?

Yes.
When?

Shortly after
I opened the door.

People like you don't make
our job any easier.

Well, you're acting as if
it's my fault I got robbed!

Mr. DuBois, you should have
double locks on the doors.

Your lights
should be on timers.

You should organize
a neighborhood watch.

No, you don't do anything.

Why don't you guys
just read me my rights?

We're trying to help,
Mr. DuBois. Don't worry.

We'll stay on this case
until we crack it.

Don't promise!

Mr. DuBois,
the fact of the matter is

that a large percentage
of burglaries
are never solved.

So, file
your insurance claim,

and chalk it up
to experience.

Do you guys have any plans

to actually go looking
for this thief?

Of course we do,
Mr. DuBois.

Sure, looking's easy.
Finding's tougher.

Conviction,
next to impossible.

Well, Officer Grimsby,
with that attitude,

why do you bother to show up?

Public relations.

Good morning, Kraus.
Well, look what
the cat dragged in.

No, thanks.
I've had breakfast.

So, Benson,

Pete told us you went
and got yourself robbed.

I had some help.

Did they take anything?

No, it was just
a burglar's drill.

Well, why would anyone
want to rob you?

I don't know, Kraus.
Maybe I had a few
of their favorite things.

I don't want to talk about it.

I spent all morning
reliving it for
the insurance company.

But, Benson, I'm so curious.

You certainly are,
but I don't want
to discuss it!

Oh, Benson, I just heard
about your robbery.

I'm so sorry.

(IMITATING BENSON)
He doesn't want to discuss it!

Thank you very much,
Denise,

but it's been
so unpleasant that,

you know,
I'd just rather forget it.

Forget it?
You can't forget it.

You got to protect
yourself.

How, Pete?

Well, first of all,

you should have a sign
in the front
of your door saying

that the place
has an alarm system.

(CHUCKLES)

That's first on your list.
A sign?

I'm telling you,
it discourages people
from stealing.

Well, where do you get
a sign like that?

I just grabbed one
off a neighbor's lawn.

I wonder if the police
have any leads.

(SCOFFS) Give me a break.
Nobody reports a missing sign.

I was talking about
Benson's robbery.

DENISE:
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did I mention
that I didn't want
to talk about it?

Talk about what?
(YELLS) My robbery, okay?

Somebody broke into my house,
took all my stuff,

and the police
are looking for them!

There, are you satisfied?

(CHUCKLES)

Benson, I'm afraid you've
miscalculated the depth
of my interest.

You sound just like
the police.

They told me to cut my losses
and forget it.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Now, the law enforcement
agencies do the best they can

with the resources they have,
but the sad fact remains

that burglary
is a low-priority crime.

You know, Benson,
Clayton's right.

You might as well just forget
about your stuff.

Somebody violates my house,

takes all my stuff,
and I'm supposed to
forget about it.

Good morning, everybody.
Good morning!

Oh, Benson,
last night after the news,

did you stay up and watch
that comic on the talk show?

No, sir, I missed it.

Oh, you didn't get home
in time, huh?

No, I was robbed.

Oh, that's too bad.

They took my television.

He told
the funniest joke,

about an elephant
and a drunken parrot.

(LAUGHS)

And my stereo
and all my artwork, too.

I wish I could remember
the punch line.

In fact, he took
everything I own.

That's it! That's... (LAUGHS)

Wasn't that funny?

Benson, did you read
the morning paper?

I glanced
through some of it, sir.

You should be very proud
of yourself.

Well, most mornings
I read the whole thing.

I meant this editorial

on your speech
to the water commissioners.

"And a good deal
of the credit

"for this highly innovative
program should go

"to the budget director,
Benson Dubois."

Oh, that's very nice.

You also made
police blotter on page .

Benson, Benson!

Benson, wait till you hear
what happened.

You know that vacant lot,
on the corner of
Beverly and Huska,

where the guy in the van sells
the stuffed animals
and Elvis rugs?

Well, I found something there
that's gonna make you
very happy.

And it's right behind
this door!

Denise,
bring it on in.

Yes, Benson,
it's your TV.

That does look like my TV.

It is your TV!
Here, look.

Right here, along the bottom.
What do you see there?

It looks like
dried-up mustard.

Dried-up mustard?

It's dried-up mustard.

How did dried-up mustard
get on my TV?

Well, last week,
when I was over at your house
watching the game,

I squirted a lot of mustard
on my hot dog.

And a little
on your TV.

I'm gonna call the police.

Can I put this down now?

Do me a favor.
Put it in my car.

Put it in your car yourself!

BENSON:
Hello, Officer Grimsby?

This is Benson Dubois.
I think I've cracked the case.

On the corner of Beverly
and Huska,

there's a guy in a van
who sells stuffed animals
and Elvis rugs.

Yes, and a friend of mine at
work bought a TV set

with mustard on it... Hello?

So, naturally,
I thought it was my civic duty

to shell out the bucks
and buy the TV.

Mr. DuBois,

exactly why did you
call us down here?

So you could hear his story
and arrest the guy in the van.

On what charge?

Possession of stolen property.

Mr. Downey is in possession
of the stolen property.

Wait a minute, George.

That mustard's
an identifying mark.

We have a case.

Do you know
how many television sets
there are

with mustard on them
in the United States?

Darn, I used to know.

George, if Mr. Downey's
willing to swear out
a complaint,

we could go pick
that guy up.

Mr. Downey's willing.
I am?

You want your bucks?
Where do I sign?

At the station.

Come down after work,
all right?

Andrea, come on,
let's get out of here.

Is it okay if I bring
my lawyer along?

You don't need a lawyer
to swear out a complaint.

I'd feel more comfortable.
Is it okay?

Sure, no problem.
Great, great.
I'll see you later.

Officer Marshall,
didn't my neighbor, Frank,
give you a statement

that he saw the burglar?

That's right.
So?

So, maybe he'd recognize
the guy in the van.

Hmm. We could bring him in
for a lineup, George.

I'm telling you,
it's a waste of time.

Well, how do you know
unless you try?

You want a lineup?
You got it.

We're gonna rouse the suspect,
haul him downtown,

and fill out the forms.

All you got to do
is get your neighbor

to go downtown
and identify him.

No problem.
He'll be there.

No, Benson, no.

Frank, I told Grimsby
you'd be there.

No, I'm not gonna stand up
in front of some vicious thug

and announce to the world that
I saw him committing a crime.

If I wanted to k*ll myself,

I'd just keep my shop open
after dark.

Frank, nothing's
gonna happen to you.

How do you know?

Come on.
Stop wasting time, Frank.

They're gonna let this guy go
in a half hour or so!

Why? Has he got an appointment
to rob someone else?

Frank, you're always
complaining about everything.

Here's your chance
to do something.

Benson, I'm not a doer.
I'm a complainer.

Besides, how do we know
that the guy they have

is the same guy
that ripped you off?

That's because
you won't tell us.

Benson, come on.

What if this poor guy
just happened to fall
on hard times?

I mean, I don't have
to tell you

about the shape
of the economy at this time.

What if he's never
done anything bad in his life
before this?

Are you willing to accept
that responsibility?

What if he's got a family
that's going hungry?

A sick mother in a home?

A daughter who dreams

about one day being
a ballet dancer?

What then, Benson?
What then?

Well, after we convict him,

we turn his story
into a Christmas special.

Sure, you can joke
about it, Benson.

You're not involved.

Frank, I know how you feel.
Believe me.

It's always tough,
sticking your neck out
for the guy next door.

But when one guy does it,
he sets an example
for the others.

Then pretty soon
there's another guy

who's willing to give it
a try, then another
and another,

and before you know it,
everybody's reaching out
to help his brother.

But none of that
can happen, Frank,

unless one day, one guy,
one little guy,

one frightened,
little, heavyset guy

stands up
to be counted and says,

"Okay, world,
you can count on me!

"I'll give it a try!
I'll give it a chance!"

I feel like I've just watched
an episode of Lou Grant!

Come on!
Let's go get him!

Okay.

Hey! Two minutes!

Now, just relax, Frank.

That's easy
for you to say, Benson.

You're not about
to go eyeball-to-eyeball

with a hardened criminal.

Frank, even if you do
identify one of these guys,

he'll never know it.

Uh, not until the trial.

You're here for moral support,
I suppose.

Wait a minute.

You mean, if I pick this guy
out of a lineup,

I got to testify
at his trial?

That's right.

And if he's not convicted,
he could be out in the street
the same afternoon?

At the latest.

Better give me that
Lou Grant speech again.

One day,
one little guy,

one frightened, little,
heavyset guy...

That'll do it.

They're ready.

Mr. Cooper,
I told you they can't see you.

Now, take your time.

FRANK: Oh, yeah.
The guy in the middle.

I recognize
the guy in the middle.

Frank, I introduced you
to the guy in the middle.
I work with him.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, sorry.

Grimsby, why'd you put
that guy in the lineup?

I don't like him.

Your friend, Pete, brought
that clown down here tonight

as a mouthpiece.
He got on my nerves.

Mr. Cooper, do any
of the other men
look familiar?

Yeah, the first guy
on the left.

Are you sure?
Sure, I'm sure.
Who knows?

Ah, well,
I couldn't swear to it,

but I think it could be him.

Could be.
Could be.

Terrific,
a definite maybe.

He is the man
that sold Mr. Downey that TV.

That should be enough
to get us a search warrant.

And if it isn't, it's an awful
lot of work for nothing.

Well, we have to try.
We'll check out his residence.

If any of the property
turns up, we'll book him.

Great.

(CHUCKLES)

Great.
This is wonderful.

Now I got to go
irritate a judge

in the middle
of the night!

Believe me, Grimsby,
there's no one
better qualified.

Evening, Benson.

Frank,
what are you doing?

I'm on neighborhood watch
tonight.

Do you really think
this neighborhood watch
is gonna do any good?

It better.

When that judge refused
to give a search warrant

for your stuff last week,
I gave up on the cops.

We got to take care
of ourselves, Benson.
Right?

Right.

How about some coffee?

Sure.

Come on in.

You always make me feel
at home, Benson.

Hey, you got
your new stuff, huh?

Yeah, I got
the insurance check last week.

I hope you're not gonna get
another one of those
ugly paintings.

Nice TV.

Hey, you know,
the Campbells,

they got one of those
giant-screen jobs.

You want to see the type
of movies they watch on that.

When did you see it?
Tonight.

It's one of the benefits
of neighborhood watch.

You get a chance to look
in all the patio windows.

Oh, really?

I'll remember that
the next time Jennifer's over.

This water's gonna take
a little while.

Do you want a piece
of cheesecake?

Sure, why not?

I work off a lot of calories
patrolling the complex.

I don't believe it.

Neighborhood watches.
What's the world coming to?

We're all locked up
with guards,

and the criminals
are running around free.

Every time I pass
that van

over there on
Beverly and Huska,
my blood boils.

Hey, did you see that?

What?

My television
just ran by your patio window.

Hey, somebody's
ripping off my condo!

Quick, call the cops.

Oh, they're not
gonna get here in time.

Hey, look! Holy mackerel,
here comes another one!

He's got
my stamp collection!

That's it.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Hey! Stop!
Hey, you gonna get him?

I've had about all this
I can take!

Get him, Benson!

Get him!

Sure, run!

Benson, watch out
behind you! Benson!

Oh! Oh.

Sure, run,
you chicken, you!

Don't stand there
and fight fair with my friend.

Benson,

you don't need me
out there, do you?

(WAILS) Oh, no, thanks.

Thanks.

You all right, Benson?

Yeah, I think I'm okay.

Good gracious.

Are you sure
you're all right?

Argh! Yeah.

(GROANS)

He gave you some shot.
Did he break your nose?

No, I don't think so,
but he finished my nine iron.

Why'd you let me do that?

That's the stupidest thing
I ever did.

What could I do?

I mean, one minute
we're having
a nice conversation,

the next minute
you're jumping over that wall
like a comic book hero.

Did you call the police?

What, and leave you alone out
there with that thug?

(SIGHS) That's okay.
I think we scared him off.

Oh.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Who is that?

Just a minute.
I'm coming.

I'll be behind you, Benson.

Oh, yeah!
Hey! Hurry, hurry!

Frank's place
is being ripped off.

Two guys, one of them...

We know, we know.
We got 'em around the corner.

We got them in the
black-and-white already.

Listen, do either
of you recognize this?

Hey, that's
my stamp collection.

I've had this
since I was years of age.

Oh, this is irreplaceable.

We need it
as evidence.

I want to testify
against those creeps.

One of them
in a checkered shirt,

I got a good,
close look at him.

Too damn close.
All right, absolutely.

If we ever get him in court.

It's a good thing you guys
were in the neighborhood.

Oh, we were answering a call
about a peeping tom.

Heavyset man
in a funny hat.

Well, if I ever see
anybody like that around here,

I will certainly
let you know.

Thank you, Mr. DuBois.
Thanks.

Good night.
BENSON: Good night.

Hey, you want to go
check out your place?

No, they won't be back.
Let's have the cheesecake.

Okay.

How about that?
We actually stopped
those guys.

We?

Come on. Give credit
where credit is due.

If I hadn't spotted
that guy, you never
could have jumped him.

Yeah, and if
I hadn't jumped him,

I could probably
still breathe through my nose.

If you didn't get
your nose in the way,

you'd still have
a good nine iron.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

You know something,
Benson?

You take things
too seriously.

You got to look
for humor in life.

You're probably right, Frank.

You think that's funny?

Yep.

That's not funny.

That's funny.

Let's go check out
your place.

Ah, you're just in time.
I am conducting
a taste test.

Good thing you're not
taking one.

Denise is going to try
and tell the difference

between my homemade
Bavarian cola,

und a popular
national brand.

Your homemade Bavarian cola?

Ja. It is my mother's
favorite recipe.

Okay, Denise, here you go.

This is Pop B.

(MOANS)

Ugh!

(WRETCHES)

Well, now you got a slogan
for your homemade
Bavarian cola.

Yuck! Bleh! Blah!