04x04 - Thy Brother's Keeper

[bunniefuu]

Benson, I am
fully aware
that you don't like me.

Then I won't have
to send you a memo.

Benson,
the data-processing people

delivered
all this stuff for you.

Ah, yeah. These are
the third-quarter ledgers.

I've been
looking for them.

Well, get
them off my kitchen table.

I will, Kraus. I'll send
somebody to pick them up.

Benson, will
you listen to me?

I spent six weeks
working on that sales-tax
proposal.

Clayton, you wrote
a variation on a bill

that's been turned
down a dozen times.

Oh, and I suppose
you think

your variation
is so much better.

I'm only looking
to get the bill passed.

It doesn't matter
to me who writes it.

Well, it matters
to me.

Benson, I just hate
this kind of thing.

I'm not having
any fun, either.

Benson, don't
you understand?

I put my guts
into that proposal.

Perhaps if you'd put
some thought into it.

Fine.
From now on, you're
on my list.

Und that goes
double for me.

This is new.
Tag-team hassling.

Benson, I just got
a call from Senator
Chapman.

The committee must
have that state-tax proposal
by Friday.

Which means you got
to get that rewrite
to me

no later than Wednesday.

That's no problem, sir.

Uh, sir, if you want
my opinion,

you already have
a perfectly good tax
proposal.

Clayton, we discussed
this at the meeting.

I think you did
an excellent job.

It's just that I like
Benson's approach better.

That's all.

You like
Benson better.
That's all.

I suppose we should be
more sensitive to Clayton's
needs.

What about me?
We all have needs.

Yes, but yours require
human blood.

Benson, you're
not in your office.

That's what I've been
trying to tell him.

What do
you want, Denise?
You.

Here I am.
What do you want?

It's your brother.

No, it's me.

I mean he's calling
from the airport.

Which one?
There's
only one airport.

Which brother, Denise?

He said his name
is Russell.

I'll be
in my office.

It's important that one
of us knows

where one of us is
at all times.

You call me dippy.

Hello, Russell.

Wait, wait, wait.
Slow down.

I know you're here.
Why are you here?

Oh, really?
For how long?

That's great.

So where are
you gonna stay?

No, no problem at all.
I got an extra room.

So what are
you gonna do,
rent a car?

No, no, no problem at all.

Yeah, yeah. I'll be
there in about minutes.

Listen, why don't
you meet me at the curb,

and that way
I don't have to park?

No, no, no problem at all.

I guess I can find
the hospitality suite.

(CHUCKLES)
I'll see you then.

Okay, bye-bye.

So you're taking
the rest of the day off?

Yeah, my brother's
in town.

Oh, you're bringing
him by here?

Yeah, I probably will.

Good, he can
help you

get that rubbish
out of the kitchen.

Some of the rubbish
has already left.

KRAUS: I hear you!

You're kidding.

That's all you pay
for this place?

That won't buy
you this much in Phoenix.

Yeah, well,
luckily, I wasn't
looking in Phoenix.

(GRUNTS)

Uh, why don't you put
the bags down right there?
BENSON: (PANTS) Yeah.

What have you got
in these bags, Arizona?

Loretta always packs
like she's trying
to get rid of me.

Yeah, maybe you ought
to take the hint.

I'm gonna have
a beer. You want one?
No.

Did you leave
anything at home?

Just Loretta.

You should have
brought her along.

Nah, she'd
just be bored,

me in my seminar
all day, hanging
out with you all night.

Yeah, yeah, well, I wish
I'd have known
you were coming.

I could have
baked something.

It's not gonna
be a hassle for you,
is it?

Oh, no, no.
It's no problem
at all.

It's just that I was
supposed to take
Jennifer out

to dinner tonight.
Actually in minutes.

Why not have
your little brother
tag along? I'll buy.

I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a quarter.
You go to the movies.

I remember
when you used
to do that to me.

(CHUCKLES)

I remember
when you tried to get
me up to cents.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

That's right, you were
dating that girl
in the choir.

What's her name,
the ugly one?

I never dated
any ugly girls.

Oh, yes, you did.

She was ugly.
I remember, man.

She had
those little thick glasses.

Oh, you're
talking about Ruth.

RUSSELL: Uh-huh.
Oh. (SCOFFS)

You take them glasses
off Ruth,

as I did on many occasion,
she was something else.

Whoo.
Yeah, ugly and nearsighted.

Have it your way.

Well, I'm gonna
call Jennifer and cancel.

I'll explain
about you arriving
unexpectedly.

Hey, I'll check
into a hotel.

Don't be silly.
Jennifer will
understand.

This seminar
you're going to, is
it just for dentists?

Yeah.

What is it, new equipment,
procedures, and stuff
like that?

No, it's investing
for dentists.

Investing for dentists?

I got a couple grand
I want to put
in the commodities market,

sugar futures.

No matter what happens
then, I cash in.

Well, be sure and brush
after every deal.

BENSON: Hello, babe.

Yeah. Uh, listen,
my brother Russell
came into town.

Yeah, Russell.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, so I was
wondering

if we could
sort of just, you know,
cancel tonight.

Uh-huh.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, you know,
I didn't know
he was coming in.

I just...

Uh-huh.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, gee, sweetheart,

I was hoping you'd
be a little bit more
understanding.

Uh-huh.

All right, yeah.

Well, I'll talk
to you in a couple
of days.

Bye-bye.

She didn't mind.
(CHUCKLES)

Okay, where to?

Listen, why don't
I fix something here,

and that way
we can catch up
on everything?

Hey, man,
I'm on vacation.

I don't want
to eat at home.

Where were
you gonna take
Jennifer for dinner?

I was gonna
take Jennifer

down to a little place
called Romeo's.

Works for me,
just as long as you buy.

Where can
I go freshen up?
Upstairs.

Oh, Russell, it's
sure good to have
you back, man.

You want to get
the bags?
Huh?

Okay.

All right, Benson.

Listen, last night,
did you watch
Moby d*ck on TV?

No. Was he sitting
in for Johnny Carson?

Oh, boy,
what a movie, huh?

Oh, that Gregory Peck,
he is some actor.

Made me hungry for seafood.
You want to have
some lunch?

Sir, I'm running
behind here. I'll take
a rain check.

You know, Benson,
there's one thing
about that story

that I never understood.

What is the significance
of Ahab's wooden leg?

Well, without it, he would
have fallen down a lot.

Hello, Governor.
Benson.

I thought I'd
just drop by and see
how the hatchet job is going

on my tax proposal.

(LAUGHS) Clayton,
I'm just getting started.

Oh.
Yeah, I'm working on
the outline here.

Oh?

But you'll have
it ready by Wednesday
morning?

More like Wednesday
evening, sir.

Oh.

That's cutting
it a little tight, but I guess
I can manage.

Sir, the reason
he can't get started

is because there's
very little

that needs to be
changed in my tax proposal.

I think you would've
seen that

if you'd read
it more carefully.

Clayton, I was trying
to spare your feelings.

But since you've made
an issue of it,

I'll come straight out.

Your concept stinks.

Oh, I see.

Tomorrow evening
at the latest.

You'll have it.

(SIGHS)

Oh, come on, Clayton.
Don't take it so hard.

None of us is perfect.
Let's go have some lunch.

Come on.

Quite frankly, sir,

right now the concept
of eating stinks.

He's such a baby
sometimes.

Hey, Benson,
look who's here.

Oh, look, it's Katie.

No, Daddy, I meant...

Yeah, this is
one prime piece
of real estate you got here.

Dr. DuBois says

our house would
be worth $. million
in Phoenix.

Governor, I'd like
you to meet my brother,
Dr. Russell DuBois.

How are you, Russell?
You must be
the dentist brother.

Orthodontist.
Who specializes
in capital gains.

Benson, your brother
was telling me

I should put
my allowance
into sowbellies.

Well, in your case,
I think he means
a piggy bank.

Well, I'll leave
you two alone.

Pleasure meeting
you, Governor.

Oh, I'll see
you again before you leave.

Katie, will
you have lunch
with me?

Sure, Dad, but let
me buy so I can
write it off.

Well, what's
up, Russell?

I thought
that I was gonna
see you tonight.

Well, I was
a little bored with those guys
at the seminar.

I thought you and I could
go out for lunch.

I was planning
to eat a sandwich
here in the office.

Oh, come on.
Do you good to get out.

Just for an hour, huh?

Well...
How often
do I come into town?

Okay, but let's
make it quick.

Ha! Okay.

Tell you what, though.
You drive.

Your car rides
like a t*nk.

There's
nothing wrong with my car.

No, no, no, I mean,
I'm just used to my Mercedes.

(CHUCKLES)
Should've
rented a car.

Same old Russell.

You still up, man?
Past midnight.

Yeah, I'm trying
to make
up for lost time.

Yeah, I can't
sleep, either.

I think it's
the different time
zones.

Yeah, mmm-hmm.

You got
boring TV here.
You know that?

Yeah. Yep.

(WHISTLING)

Ah!

(CUTLERY CLATTERING)

Russell!

Uh, sorry.
Just looking for a spoon.

Russell, I don't
need a play-by-play.

Sorry. Just pretend
I'm not here.

Mmm!

This is good ice cream.
Man, this is terrific.

Loretta never keeps
ice cream in the house.

Probably just as well.
I'd put on pounds.

Russell,

I got
a lot of work
to do.

I'm tired.
It's already late, so.

Why don't you just have
a taste of ice cream?

Russell!

(GROANING)

What is it?

(MOANS)

Ice cream headache.

Yeah, the palate is
one of the most sensitive
parts of the mouth.

Russell.

Leave me alone!
Go to bed!

I don't want
to go to bed.
I'm a grown-up.

I don't have to go
to bed if I don't
want to.

All right, I can finish
this in the morning.

What do you want
to talk about?

Who said I wanted
to talk about anything?

If you don't want
to talk
about anything,

I'm going
back to work.

You really got
a thing for work.
You know that?

Is that what you want
to talk about?

No, that's
not what I want
to talk about.

Even when we
were kids,

you were
always rushing
off to work somewhere.

For good reason,
Russell.

I was supporting
the family.

In case you've
forgotten,

I was the one who put
you through dental school.

No, I haven't
forgotten.

I've heard
that tune so many times,

it should be on
the Hit Parade.

How much did it cost you?
How much did what cost me?

Dental school.

How much did
it cost you,
,, ,?

You just tell me.
I don't know.
I never added it up.

Man, that's
not the point.

Mmm-hmm, well, let's
just be generous and call
it ,, okay?

Call it what you like,
the money is
not important, Russell.

You bet it's not.

From now on, it's
not even gonna
be an issue.

(PAPER RIPS)
Here.

What is this?

That's my check
for $,.
We're even.

I don't want
your check.

Of course you don't.
You'd rather
for me to keep the ,

so you can
go on reminding me

how much of a sacrifice
you made for me.

That's it.

You come to town
unannounced,

screw up my entire weekend
to accommodate
your every whim,

live in my house,
borrow my car,
and then talk about it,

and I'm
supposed to sit
here and take this.

Well, I hope you can
spend three days
in a motel,

because that's
where you're going.

You're out of here!

You wait a minute!
No, no minute!

Pretend you are
not here!

Come on, Denise,
don't go
berserk on me!

All I said was
Morgan Fairchild is sexy.

And I'm not?

In your own way.

Is it because she's blonde?
I could be blonde.

Her hair have
nothing to do with it.
It's her,

personality.

Men.

Women.

Men!

Women!

What are
you talking about?

Morgan Fairchild.

What are
you talking about?
Arnold.

He broke
our luncheon date.

Oh, well, Gretchen, I'm
not busy, why don't
you and I have lunch?

Well, why not?
(CHUCKLES)

Who needs them?
Yeah!

(STAMMERS)
What about me?

Go have lunch
with Miss Personality.

Hey, Pete,
Pete, Pete,

pick on furniture
your own size.

Oh, what do women
want, anyway, Benson?

Not today, Pete.

I was up all night
finishing the proposal.

First you're supposed
to open doors
for them, then you're

not allowed
to open doors
for them.

They constantly worry
about their age,
but if you call

one of them a girl,
they slap you silly.

Wanna know
what I think?
Not really.

I think it's the moon.

The what?

From the first day we landed
man on the moon, women
have been ticked off.

Hello there, Peter.
(PETE MUMBLES)

(CHUCKLES)
What's with him?

His love life was ruined
by the Space Program.

So, Benson, finished
that proposal, eh?

Yeah, I was
up half the night.

Happy with the results?

I'm happy I finished it.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, uh, finishing it was
your main objective, eh?

Well, my main objective
was a workable proposal.

Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLES)

You, uh, think
you achieved that?

Clayton, do you have
something specific

you want to say
about my tax proposal?

Oh, no, but the Governor
does, and he's waiting
for us.

(LAUGHS)

I've never seen
you so happy before.

You've never been
in such trouble before.

I can't wait
to see this.

It's not
well thought out.
Absolutely.

It's poorly written.
Precisely.

And worst of all,

it compounds
the errors of Clayton's
original draft.

Sir, that I can't
agree with.

Clayton, I'd like
to talk to Benson
alone.

Well, I do feel
I have something

to contribute
to this conversation.

I disagree.

Could I just listen?

No! Leave us alone!

Sir, I was
the one who went
to the kitchen to get him.

Goodbye, Clayton.

Sir.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Benson.

Benson, this just isn't
like you.

Well, I have
no excuse, sir.

I got
myself into a time
problem,

and I had to rush.

I apologize.

Is it something I can
help you with?

No, sir, it's
a personal problem.

Well, this puts
me way behind on
the tax proposal.

What am I gonna do?

I can take
another shot at it.

Have you cleared
up your personal problem?

Frankly, no.

But you will
before you attempt
a rewrite?

Definitely.

Okay, then I'll call
up Senator Chapman

and say that we have
to have an extension.

(TELEPHONE BUZZES)

No, Clayton.

I'll get
this rewritten
as soon as possible.

I'm sorry
about the delay.

Oh, I understand,
Benson. We all have
personal problems.

What is it, Jennifer?

You know,
sometimes the deeper you get
into a relationship,

the more problems
you discover.

My brother's a problem.

Oh, your brother
and Jennifer?
Oh, that is a problem.

Sir, Jennifer
is not involved.

Well, your brother
certainly is.
He's married.

My brother and Jennifer

don't have
anything to do
with each other.

Oh, I get it. You mean
he doesn't approve
of Jennifer?

Sir, they've
never even met.

I think your brother
has a nerve
to take that attitude.

Maybe I'd
be better off

if I just discussed
this with Russell.

That's right.
That's the ticket.

Have a good talk.
Don't let
these things fester.

Right. Thank you.

Oh, and one
other thing, Benson.

What's that?

I wouldn't mention
any of this to Jennifer.

You're right.
I wouldn't dream of it.

Sir.

He checked out?
When?

I wonder
why he didn't tell me.

What?

Oh, no, you don't
have to answer that.

Yeah, yeah, you sleep
tight, too.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

You checked
out of your hotel.

I know that.

I have been trying
to reach you.

What did you want?

Why are you here?

I asked you first.

Come on in, Russell.
I don't have time.

You have time
to come through the door.

Why are
you in such a hurry?

I have a : flight
to Phoenix.

Why are
you going
to Phoenix?

I live in Phoenix,
Benson.

I know that, Russell.

I thought you were
gonna spend
the weekend here.

I thought you were
gonna have time
for me, too.

Let's not start
that again, okay?

I forgot to give
you this.

It's a gift
from Lisa and Daniel
to their Uncle Benson.

They made some moccasins
and a wallet
for you at summer camp.

(CHUCKLES) Moccasins?
How did they get my size?

They didn't.
It's a big chief size.

Same as Loretta's.

Hmm.

Hey, those are cute.
This is very nice.

(LAUGHS) This must
be the wallet.

No, actually, it's
a wampum pouch.

There's a little space
in there for your
credit cards.

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's
very nice.

Thank them for me.
They're beautiful kids.

You're a lucky guy,
Russell.

Yeah, I got
a terrific family.

Does that include me?

Of course it does.

You want a beer?
Yeah.

Look, man, I'm sorry
about the other night.

I came at a bad time.
You were busy.

I should've
learned how to deal
with that by now.

Russell,

did you really think
when we were kids

that I enjoyed
spending my time
working?

I think what you enjoyed
was how everybody looked
up to you.

"There goes the DuBois kid,
working real hard,

"keeping
the whole family together."

Russell, what people
said wasn't
important to me.

What was important to me

was that we stayed
together as a family.

Then why don't
you let me off the hook?

I don't know
what you're
talking about.

You resent
me because I had
it so easy,

and you had
to pay
for everything.

I don't resent you.

There's one thing
about you that's
always bothered me.

(SCOFFS)

No, no, no, I was
happy to work to put
you kids through school,

but what galled me

was the way
you always took
it as your natural-born right.

I did no such thing.

You did.
I did not.

Well, you never
thanked me.

I thought you knew
how I felt.

Why didn't
you say it?

Well, man...

Because.

I'm in awe of you.

Of me?

Look at you. You're
a successful dentist.

You got a beautiful wife,
beautiful home,
beautiful kids.

You got a Mercedes.

In fact, you got
number one written
all over you.

That's why mom
always treated
you so special.

Treated me special?

All I ever heard
was Benson
this and Benson that.

To let her tell it,
you're the ninth
wonder of the world.

All I ever heard was,
"Russell's doing
great in school,

"Russell graduated
at the top of his class,

"Russell's
the biggest dentist
in Phoenix."

Mama said that about me?
Yeah.

(OPENING BEER CAN)

Did she really say
I was the ninth wonder
of the world?

No, actually, she said
you were the first.

I knocked
you down eight places.

Well, Russell,
it was worth it,

just to see
how you turned
out, man.

Thanks.

Thanks for making
everything possible.

You left
something over here
the other night.

I got
out of here in a hurry,
didn't I?

You sure did. This.

Are you sure you don't
want to keep it?

No, I,

you put
it in the kids'
college fund.

No, I can't do that.
Why not?

(CHUCKLES)
It's no good.

You don't think I'd
keep this kind of money
in a checking account?

No, I'd invest it, let
it work for me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, you finally learned
what to do with money.

What do you mean,
"Finally learned what to do
with money?"

I've always known
what to do with money.

Since when?

When I was
years old,

I saved
up all those quarters
you gave me

till I got
enough to buy
a bicycle, bucks.

Who'd you buy
the bike from?

You.

You cheated
me, didn't you?
That bike

wasn't worth
bucks.

This check ain't
worth a dime,
so we're even.

I better call
the airport and cancel
my reservation.

Why?

I'm staying
the weekend.

I haven't asked
you to stay, Russell.

Oh, you want
me to stay.

The hell I do.
Get away
from that phone.

I'll give
you a quarter.

No, $.
$?

Oh, Denise, the committee
approved the tax proposal,

so we're gonna need
some copies
for the printing office.

This won't take
long, Benson, what do
you think?

Is it the right length?

The bottom's fine, but I can
still see her face at the top.

Knock off the insults,
Benson, I have had
it up to here.

Man, I didn't see
it up to there.

That's it, I hope
it's the right length.

Yeah, it's
good enough for Kraus.

Oh, shut
up, Benson.

I'm sure it's
fine, Denise.

I'll go in my room
und change.

(CHUCKLES) She keeps saying
that but she always comes
back the same.

Shh! She'll hear you!

KRAUS: He knows that!