03x22 - Black Tuesday

[bunniefuu]

BENSON: On the last episode of
Benson...

If you really want to be
Governor again,

run as an independent.

Do we have enough time
to organize a campaign?

The question is
do we have the money?

Sir, when we lost
the party's support,

we lost
all our campaign funds.

We're back in business, g*ng.
I'm running for governor.

(ALL CHEERING)

You borrowed $ million?

I mortgaged the mill.

(GASPS)

BENSON:
So the governor has decided

to enter the race
as an independent candidate.

He faces two tough opponents,
ex-gridiron hero Bud Resnick

and the current leader
in the polls,
Senator Ernest Chapman.

And now we're doing
everything we can

to get the campaign rolling.

So, there you are,
well, how does it feel
to be a movie star?

This isn't a movie, Kraus,
this is a commercial
for the governers campaign.

Are those tissues
coming out of your collar?

No, my under shirt exploded.

They put this in there
to keep makeup
off your collar.

You know, when I was
a teenager in Bavaria,
I was in a movie once.

Yeah? I think I saw it,
you were the blob, right?

I was only in one scene.

I was in love
with a German boy
who tended his sheep.

You played a love scene
with a German shepherd?

Yeah.

Oh, Miss Kraus,
I'd like you to meet

the director
of our commercial,
Wayne Franklin.

Oh! How do you do?
(CHUCKLES)

You know, I was
in the movies once.

Not now, honey,
just get me some coffee,
okay?

Okay, Governor,
can I see you
in your chair, please?

And Benson, stand where
you're gonna stand.

And let's hurry,
time is money...

Come on, Clayton,
the makeup man
was just making conversation.

He insulted me,
he said
I have a big nose.

You took it the wrong way.

Peter, the man said,
"Let me powder your beak."

Governor, this commercial
is about you,

is there any reason why
Clayton and I have to be
in it?

Hey, look,
I put you guys in it,

because it gives
the governor
a dynamic action.

Working with his staff.

And subliminally, it says
that he interacts
with all kinds of people.

Then I heard that.

Well, I guess
we're all here.

Ah, except my camera man.

Excuse me, gentlemen.
Jimmy, get the light out!

Charming fellow.

Look, guys, I know
this isn't a lot of fun,

but it's only four weeks
for the election.

We need the TV exposure,
so hang in there, okay?

Okay, let's get this turkey
on the road.

Now, Governor,
I want you to take your
opening greeting from there,

then stand, cross over there,
sit on the desk,

and take the rest
of the spiel from there.
Now, any questions?

Benson, can we change places?
This isn't my best side.

You don't have
a best side.

Okay, can we make one?

You mean
without a rehearsal?

Why waste it?
Are we rolling, Jimmy?
Yep.

Okay.

Gatling commercial,
take one.

Action.

Good evening.

Thank you for letting me
come into your homes.

Which way do I go?

WAYNE: Cut!

Just move it on
over there and sit
on the end of the desk.

Okay, here we go.

Gatling commercial,
take two.

Action.

Good evening.
Thank you for letting...

Aah!

WAYNE: Cut!

Take .

Action.

Ah! Good evening.

Thank you for letting me
come into my home.

(LAUGHING)

Your home!

WAYNE: Cut!

Take .

Action.

Good evening.

Thank you for letting me
come into your homes.

Aah!

WAYNE: Cut!

Take .

(SNEEZES)

Action.
God bless you.

I mean, uh...

WAYNE: Cut, cut, cut!

Take .

Action.

(WHISPERING)

Uh, can Benson go
to the bathroom?

WAYNE: Cut!

Take .

Action.

Good evening.

Thank you for letting me
come into your homes.

I have no idea
what I have to say next.

Ooh, it is cold
in this room.

Well, you won't have to wait
much longer, sir.

You're speaking
in minutes.

In fact,
I'm going to go check

and see if that auditorium
is full yet.

Ah! According to
this thermometer,

it's cold enough
to hang beef in here.

Judging from the smell,
I'd say they have
hung beef in here.

Wow, you should see
the snow now.

It's totally covering
the campaign bus.

Sir, that auditorium
is really freezing.

Maybe we better move on
to another town
before it gets dark.

Oh, no, Pete. I don't want to
disappoint that crowd.

Well, actually, sir,
there isn't that
much of a crowd.

How many are there?
It's hard to say.

Could you give us
an estimate?

Well, I estimate... One?

A crowd of one?

Farmer.
Came on a snowmobile.

Well, he came
all this way to see me.
I owe him a speech.

Uh, Governor, why don't
we invite him in here?

We could use his body heat.

And in conclusion,
let me say

a vote for Gene Gatling
is a vote for independence.

Well, Mr. Jorgenson,
what did you think
of the speech?

Oh, wonderful.
Just wonderful.

Does that mean
we can count on your vote?

Yeah, you can count
on my vote...

If I was a citizen.

Ah, Governor,
I'm Martin Reed.

I'll be moderating
tonight's debate.

I just wanted you to know
that Senator Chapman's
office just called,

and he's not coming,
but Senator Resnick
is on his way.

Good, then I only
have to debate Resnick.

What do you mean
you debate Resnick?

The governor
has laryngitis.

It must be
the cold weather

and all the speeches
he's been giving.

(WEAKLY)
I just tried to do too much.

MARTIN: What am I going to do?

Well, Me. DuBois
will be filling in.

He's the state
budget director.

Oh, that's great.
I have one no-show
and one second-stringer.

Oh, well, I guess
I'll have to live with it.

Let's go into the set.
It's almost airtime.

Mr. DuBois,
you'll be sitting right there.

Benson, Benson,
we'll be watching
from the green room.

Good luck.

Hey, Marty!

Hey, Bud Resnick!

Hey, buddy!

How are you?
Good.

Hey, you know,
Bud and I go way back.

When he was
the college football star,

I was
the head cheerleader.

(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, really?
Did he take you to the prom?

Marty, could you get me
a cup of coffee?

These old football knees
are acting up.

Oh, be glad to get it
for you, Bud.

You sit down.

What are you
doing here, DuBois?

Well, the governor
has laryngitis.
I'll be debating you.

(LAUGHING)

Is that a look of fear
that crossed your face?

Here's your coffee, Bud.
Thank you.

Marty, I don't like
question number nine.
Can we drop that?

Oh, sure thing, pal.
Anything for you.

This guy already knows
the questions?

Quiet, please,
we're almost on.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome
to the gubernatorial debate.

I'm your moderator,
Martin Reed.

Senator Chapman
is unable to be
with us tonight,

and speaking for
Governor Gatling is
Benson DuBois,

the State Budget Director.

And, of course,
we are joined by
that gridiron great

and esteemed member
of the State Senate,

a man whose slogan is,
"This Bud's for you,"

b*llet Bud Resnick.

(WHISPERS)
Must have scored while
I was in the locker room.

Our first question is

are you in favor
of a state minimum wage?

Mr. DuBois?

Well, first of all,
let me say

that the only reason
I'm up here is because
the governor

has come down
with a case of laryngitis.

Now,
insofar as the question,

"Do I favor
a state minimum wage?"

That is, "does the governor?"
I would say on that...

(HORN HONKS)

MARTIN: The sound of that horn
means your time is up.

Would you care to answer
that question, Bud?

Well, Marty...folks,

I look at it this way.

You need men
to play football.

That's the minimum number.

Without ,
you aren't playing football.

Baseball, maybe.
Basketball.

But not football.

You've got to have
the minimum if you want
to play the game.

This guy's got bad knees
all the way up to his ears.

I'd might caution you,
Mr. DuBois, that your
microphone is on.

And now...

For our second question.

From a viewer in
the northern part
of the state...

"Why should I vote for you?"
Mr. DuBois?

Well,
you shouldn't vote for me.

Thank you very much.

The question is, Bud,
"Why should I vote for you?"

I think the viewer knows
the answer to that.

I'm sure they do.

And very nicely stated.

Now,
for our third question.

Now, wait a minute.
This debate's a joke.

You haven't let me answer
any questions.

All right, Mr. DuBois,
I'll let you answer this one.

Isn't it true that
the governor was very angry

at losing the nomination
from his party?

And didn't he join
this campaign
as an independent

for the sole
purpose of ruining
Senator Resnick's chance?

Now, that's not fair.
Well, admit it.
He's a spoiler.

Governor Gatling has
no ulterior motive.

He only wants to serve
the people another four years.

Now, the other candidates
are committed

to serving
special-interest groups.

The people know
that Gene Gatling
is an honest man.

And when it comes down to
election day,

I'm sure that
they'll make the right choice.

That's all I have to say.

Back to you, Bud,
for sports highlights.

Good night.

Oh, I don't know, Benson.
This is about to
drive me crazy.

Well, sir, you knew it was
going to be a close election.

Well, yeah,
not this close.

This is damn near
a three-way tie.

Hi, everybody!

We brought a couple bottles
of champagne from the party.

Oh, how are things going
over at the hotel?

At :,
when you were leading,

everybody was drinking
to celebrate your victory.

Then, at midnight,
when Chapman took the lead,

everybody started drinking
because you were losing.

And by :,
when you were all
tied again,

everybody was drinking because
you still had a chance.

If you do win
this thing, sir,

you may be the first governor
to get a crawling ovation.

Sir, sir, the computers
are back online again.

What about Daly County?
We should be getting
some results shortly.

Well, that's where
we're going to win it
or lose it.

Wunderbar! We did it!

The Philadelphia Flyers
won their game tonight.

Well, that settles it.
We can all go home now.

I'm sorry.

I just switched over to get
the hockey scores.

Hey, hey, hey,
you guys better watch this.

REPORTER: That problem
in Daly County
has been corrected,

and we're now ready to project
that Senator Bud Resnick

will just edge out
Senator Ernest Chapman.

Apparently
Governor Gene Gatling's
independent bid

for a second term has failed.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Well, we might as well
go home.

Now, sir,
it's not official yet.
They said "apparently."

REPORTER: And in that
tight three-way race,

Senator Bud Resnick
has narrowly defeated
Senator Ernest Chapman.

REPORTER :
And the projected winner is
Senator Bud Resnick.

(TELEPHONE RINGING CONTINUES)

Well, this didn't turn out
exactly the way we expected,
did it?

Pete, I'll need
a concession speech.

Yes, sir.

I guess I'd better call
Resnick and congratulate him.

I'm sorry
this happened, sir.

We're all sorry,
Governor.

Well, we did our best.

We've got that
to be proud of.

You know,
I never thought I would lose.

Excuse me, Governor.

Yes?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Well, I just dropped by

to thank Gene
for the real nice
telegram he sent me.

You know,
he even offered to go
over the playbook with me.

After all, I am going to be
starting quarterback
in a few months.

Let me ask you something...

How long you been playing
without a helmet?

Hi, Benson.

Bud, here's that
farm-subsidy program
we've been proposing.

I'd appreciate it
if you'd try to
keep it alive.

All right, Gene,
but no promises.

They're going to have to call
this play from the sidelines.

See you.

Do you get the feeling
that he's blocked
one too many punts?

Benson, I don't much
like losing,

but especially not to
that tackling dummy.

Chapman doesn't like it,
either.

He's demanded a recount
in Daly County.

Ah, Senator Chapman's
always been a sore loser.

What did you want to
see me about?

Well, I got the figures back
on that gasoline-tax revenue.

Yeah?
Seems like we're going to take
in % more than we expected.

Oh, that's terrific.
That means that next year,
we could...

Oh, what am I saying?
There's no next year.

You gave them a run
for their money, sir.

Yeah, that's right.
I got nothing to be
ashamed of.

Besides that,
I can always go back
to running my lumbermill.

You're lucky, sir.

You get to go back
to a place you love.

Of course, well,
I can't pay off the mortgage.

The bank will take it away
from me, and then where am I?

Now, now,
no self-pity, sir.

Oh, that's right.
No self-pity.

Stand up. Be a man.

What have I lost?
An election, huh?

Another chance
to serve the people.

And my business, my home,
a job,

everything
three generations of my family
worked so hard to get.

See, isn't this better
than self-pity?

Oh, God,
I wanted to win!

It's only natural, sir.
Everybody wants to win.

But by definition,
whenever there's a winner,
there's got to be a loser.

And in this case,
you're the...

Not the winner.

That certainly makes me
feel a lot better.

Maybe you'd rather
be alone.

No, no, Benson.

Maybe I'd rather be
alone.

Wait a minute.

I'm just in a crummy mood.
Ignore me.

It'll go away
in three or four years.

(LAUGHING) I tell you what.
It's almost lunchtime.

Why don't we go out
to a fancy restaurant?
We've never done that.

That's a good idea.
Let's go to Smitty's.

That'll cheer us up.
There will be people laughing,
having a good time,

pointing and saying,
"that's Gene Gatling.

"He just lost the election.

"Poor Gene,
laughing on the outside."

(SIGHS)

On the other hand,
maybe we should
send out for deli.

KRAUS: Oh, Benson,
can you help me?

I'm trying to find
an apartment,

and I don't understand
all these abbreviations.

Like what?
Like this one...

"BD, B,

"SMKT, PVTPL, COLP."

Oh, that's easy.

One bedroom, one bath,
small kitchen, private pool,

clothing optional.

Clothing optional?
You mean, for $ a month,
I get clothes, too?

Kraus, it means
that the people in your
apartment complex

are allowed
to go around naked.

Naked?

And people
rent these places?

Not as fast as they rent
the places next door.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I'm glad
I checked with you.

I had an appointment to see
these people this afternoon.

What were you
going to wear?

Benson!

So, Kraus, you're really
moving out, huh?

You're not going to stay
for the next administration?

No way. I'm not working
for some dumb jock.

Then what are
you going to do?

You know what
I'd really like to do?

What?

Take one of those three-month
train trips across America,

really get to know
this country.

Sounds like a great idea.
Why don't you do it?

I get train sick.

So I guess it's just
another crazy dream.

Well, Kraus,
we all have crazy dreams.

Oh, yeah?
What's yours?

Well, I've always wanted
to play jazz piano

in a smoky
little nightclub.

I didn't know
you played piano.

I don't, Kraus.
That's why it's a dream.

Well, it's a pretty
dumb dream

if you don't have
any chance of doing it.

Well, it's better than
throwing up on the Amtrak.

What a dumb dream.

What's a dumb dream?
Oh, Benson wants to play
jazz piano.

I don't think
that's dumb.

I always wanted to be
a rock-'n'-roll drummer.

See?
You play drums, Denise?

Of course.

It would be
a pretty dumb dream
if I didn't.

But my ultimate fantasy
was to be an astronaut.

See, Benson,
Denise has wonderful dreams.

She wanted to be
the first woman on the moon.

All you wanted was to be
a dumb lounge act.

How would you like to be
the first woman on the moon?

Hey, guys.

Hi, Pete. Clayton,
we were just talking
about our dreams.

Oh, yeah?
I got this terrific one.

I'm on an island
all alone

with this Vegas show girl
who can't keep
her hands off me.

No, no, no,
we're talking about

the way you want to spend
the rest of your life.

On an island with
a Vegas show girl who
can't keep her hands off me.

Well, at least my dream
is attainable.

I've always wanted
to be a poet.

I was once
compared to Milton.

Berle?

Hardly.

Actually, I once received
a literary merit award

for this piece of verse.

I ask myself,
if every night
begets the dawn,

who is the father
to this day?

But no one answers
when I ask.

Perhaps they've gone away.

I ask myself,
if every day must die
at dusk,

are we to mourn each day?

But silent night
makes no reply.

There's nothing left to say.

And yet,
who am I to question life

as it winds from
light to dark and
all the birds do sing?

The earth revolves
but not 'round me,

the sun is its only hinge.

So take me, earth,
for all I'm worth,

and teach me day to day
to live and laugh
and love and work!

And now and then,
I'll pray.

Amen.

(STAMMERS) She...

(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, there is an explanation.

That's okay, Clayton.
We're all under great strain.

Good night, sir.
Good night, Benson.

Is that anything
I can help you with?

No, thank you.

I was just trying
to figure out how to
pay off that mortgage

so I wouldn't lose
the lumbermill.

I thought you were going
to raise that money
through contributions.

You would be surprised
how difficult it is

to raise funds
for a campaign
you just lost.

But you got the profits
from the mill.

Won't be enough.

The housing market's
so sluggish,

there's not much call
for lumber.

Well, I took a look
at your firm's operation
when we were up there,

and the mill can
pay for itself.

Are you sure?
Absolutely.

Of course, you're going
to have to eliminate
some of the middlemen,

start marketing
the product yourself.

And you'll need
some new equipment

and some additional personnel,
but it can be done.

That's interesting.

Sit down,
will you, Benson?

What are your plans
for the future?

I've got a little money
saved up.

I've always wanted to own
my own shoe-shine stand.

(BOTH LAUGH)

How would you like
to be my partner
at the lumbermill?

Oh, sir, I don't have
that much money.

Well, junior partner,

but you could work
your way up to the top.

I'm not
climbing any trees.

You'd be the controller.

You'd be vice president
in charge of marketing.

Are you kidding?

Was I kidding
about budget director?

No, but look what
you got me into.

So what do you say?

Well, if you promise to tell
shorter stories, it's a deal.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, partner!

It'll be wonderful,
Benson.

Just you and me
and Katie and Miss Kraus.

(CHUCKLES) Kraus?

Yeah, I asked her to be
my housekeeper.

You shouldn't do things
like that

without consulting
your partner.

Governor!
Governor! Governor!

Great news!

She's not
coming with us.

Oh, shut up, Benson,
this is important.

Calm down, Miss Kraus.
What is it?

I was watching a rerun
of Gilligan's Island.

When they broke in
with a special report.

Daddy, Daddy,
I was doing my homework

when they interrupted
Gilligan's Island!

You won the election!

Oh, I wanted to tell him.

What?
What happened?

The recount in Daly County
was in your favor.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

You beat Resnick
by over , votes.

Hello.

Yes. Yes, we just heard.
Thank you very much.

Good news.

The Secretary of State was
watching Gilligan's Island.

What?

It's official, Governor.

Daddy, you did it!
I'm still the governor's
daughter.

I'm the governor!

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Oh, I really wanted
to be governor.

Yeah, yeah,
we just heard, Clayton.

Yeah, come on over, man.
We got to celebrate.

Benson, make a toast.

Well, let's see.

Here's to Senator Chapman,

who had the wisdom
to call for a recount.

ALL: Hear, hear!

And, uh, to Gene Gatling,
the only independent

to ever be elected governor
of this state.

ALL: Hear, hear!

And to four
more years, sir.

Yeah!

Benson, don't feel bad
about the lumbermill,
we can still be partners.

Well, no need to
rush into things, sir.

We've got four more years
to think it over.

Denise, can you hurry up
and set the timer?

Okay, everybody, smile!

(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Oh!

Benson, would you change
places with me?

The camera doesn't
favor this side.

Neither did mother nature.

Here we go,
now, nobody move.

Why are we doing this,
anyway?

I wanted a picture
of all the main people
help me get reelected.

Well, Benson, it looks like,
you and I will be together
for four more years.

I demand a recount.

(SHUTTER CLICKS)