03x18 - In the Red

[bunniefuu]

KRAUS: Denise!

Denise!

Benson, where is Denise?

She went
to get the mail.

What's that thing
you got on your head?

I got this with
my new bicycle.

It's a crash helmet.

Shouldn't it have
a face mask?

I don't think so.

Let's take a vote.

Wait till you see
my new bike!

I got it with my
tax refund check.

You got your
refund check already?

Yeah. You want
to see my new bicycle?

(MUMBLES)
Come here.

It's over there,
by that tree.

See? Where the dog is.

(GASPS) Bad doggie!
Bad doggie!

Oh! Move!

Gretchen! Where is she
going in such a hurry?

To the dogs.

Did you get your
income-tax refund check?

Yeah, last week.
Here's your mail.

How come everybody's
getting their check but me?

Why don't you call
the IRS and get
on their case?

For the same reason
I don't date married women.

It may seem like
a good idea at the time,

but eventually,
you'll pay for it.

I need to talk to you.

Sure, Governor.
What is it?

Oh, not you,
Benson, Denise.

Though I'll
talk to you later
if you want me to.

Listen, Denise,

Katie's birthday's
coming up,

and I know that
she wants one of those
custom-built dollhouses.

Could you help me
pick one out?

Oh, sure, Governor.
I'd be glad to.

Oh, wonderful.
Well, we'll start
looking tomorrow.

And listen, could you
keep it a secret?

'Cause I want
to surprise her.

Sure.

BENSON: Oh, no.

Benson, what's wrong?

I got a letter
from the Internal
Revenue Service.

What do they want?

They want to question me
about last year's tax return.

Uh-oh. You're in trouble.

Hi, Denise.
What you reading?

It's an article that uses
the quantum theory

to explain infinity.

Sounds interesting.

Yeah, but it
goes on forever.

Do you really understand
all that math?

Oh, sure.
Math is just a language

that helps you
comprehend the abstract
concepts of the universe.

Yeah, I know
what you mean.

Uh, listen, um, are you
doing anything tonight?

They're having
a Doug McClure
film festival

over at the college.

Oh, gee, Pete, I'm sorry.
I'm busy tonight.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, Denise,
there you are.

Listen, I'll pick
you up around :
tonight. Is that okay?

That'll be fine,
Governor.
Good.

You're going out
with the Governor?

Pete, do me a favor
and keep this to yourself.

Oh, yeah.
That won't be hard.

I'll be alone tonight.

Peter, where is Benson?

We were supposed to have
a meeting minutes ago.

He went to see his
accountant about his taxes.

Why doesn't anybody
ever tell me these things?

I just did!

Would you get off
my back, Clayton?

I'm in no mood for this.

Well, I'm sorry.

I got woman problems.

Aw, what happened?

Did someone
puncture your date?

Ah, Benson,
here you are,

just in time to be late
for our meeting.

Clayton, get off my back.
I'm in no mood for this.

This kitchen is a hotbed
of clever quips.

Trouble with
your accountant?

No, no trouble.

The jerk ran off
to the Bahamas

with an -year-old
waitress.

I can't even get one
to come to my table.

You're having
tax trouble?

I'm being called in
for an audit

by the Internal
Revenue Service.

Mmm, then you are
in trouble.

But why?
What do they want with me?

If you want my
advice, Benson,

just give them
what they want.

I mean, you can't win.
You know the IRS.

Yeah, the world's
most successful
mail-order business.

Oh, they're coming
at us that way.

What are you
talking about?

Well, this tax audit
is obviously politically
motivated.

Look, my dad has the best
tax attorneys in the country.

I better run these
over to his office.

That's okay, Clayton.
I can handle it.

Benson, when you
break your arm,
what do you do?

Cry out in pain.
What do you do?

What any
intelligent man does.

I go to the doctor.

And when your transmission
breaks down, what do you do?

What any intelligent
man does.

I swear at the car.

You go to a mechanic,
an expert, huh, huh?

All right, all right,
take the records.

Guess it can't hurt.

Wise decision.
Hold it. Hold it.

What is this gonna cost me?

Not a thing, Benson.
I'm doing it for friendship.

That's more than
I wanted to pay.

Hey, Benson, wait up!

What is it, Pete?

Have you heard
about this romance

between Denise
and the Governor?

What's the punch line?

Denise and the Governor.
They're going out.

I heard them make a date.

Who is making a date?

Kraus, don't you ever
get tired of lurking?

Denise and the Governor.
They're seeing each other.

(LAUGHING)

Did you ever hear
anything so ridiculous?

That laugh.

You don't have
to believe me.
Ask Denise.

Which floor plan
do you like, Denise?

I like this one.

It has three bedrooms,

and the furniture
we picked out
will be perfect.

Okay, I'll give
them a call

and make sure they
save it for us tonight.

You know what
I really love about
this house?

The nursery.

They're going
to have a baby.

Dirty, rotten,
no-good punks!

Vicious little twits!

Do you know what
just happened to me?

They put starch
in your underwear.

No, somebody
stole my car.

Really?

I parked in front
of Lear's drugstore,

went in to get
some breath mints.

I came out,
my car was gone.

I shouldn't have left
the engine running.

You left the
engine running?

You left your
keys in the car?

Where do you live?
In a tunnel?

Benson, I don't need
a lecture from you.

My mother's gonna be
terribly upset.

You left her
in the car, too?

No, she gave me the car
for my birthday.

What a mess.

They got everything!
My new raincoat...

Well, calm down,
Clayton.

...my golf clubs...

It's not the end
of the world, man.

...all your tax records.

My tax records?
You lost my tax records?

Don't yell at me.
It's not my fault.

Well, you're the one
who suggested

that I take my records
to some tax expert!

Now I got to call the IRS
and straighten this mess out,

all because you had
to have a breath mint!

I needed them!

Junkie!

I don't know why
you're so upset.

The IRS will understand.

Yeah, and the KKK is starting
an affirmative-action program.

Hello, IRS? This is
Benson DuBois.

Uh, I was scheduled
for an audit on Monday,

but a funny thing
has happened.

Well, who should I talk to?

Well, when will
he be back?

Well, yeah, well,
can you connect
me with him?

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello. Uh, this is
Benson DuBOIS.

I was scheduled for
an audit on Monday,

but a kind of funny
thing has happened.

Well, when will
she be back?

Oh. Can you connect
me with her?

Okay. Thank you.

Hello. This is
Benson DuBois.

I was scheduled for
an audit on Monday,

but a kind of funny
thing has happened.

Sure, I'll hold.

Hiya, Kraus.
Good morning, Pete.

How was your weekend?

It was great.

I went to that personality
training seminar.

What's that?

You know, one of
those groups

where they try
to straighten out your
whole life in hours.

Did you get
anything out of it?

A t-shirt.

I'll never understand
why people go to those things.

Well. I heard
there were a lot of
desperate women there.

And were there?

No. But there were
a lot of desperate guys

who heard the same
thing I heard.

Good morning.

Good morning, Benson.
How was your weekend?

Lovely.

I spent the whole time
trying to get together

duplicate records
for my tax audit.

Well, I'll never understand

why these things
happen to you, Benson.

The IRS never
called me in to
be investigated.

Maybe not,
but I'm sure the
guys at NASA

would love to take
a look at you.

Hi, everybody.

Guess what. In just
more days, I'll be .

Oh, really? (YAWNS)
How interesting.

Well, here's your
lunch, Katie.

I gave you a tuna-fish
sandwich today.

Of course, I don't expect
a big party or anything.

No, you're right.

You're getting to be
a little old for that.

But I won't want to spoil
anybody else's fun.

Well, birthday parties
aren't that much fun, anyway.

So you guys don't have
anything planned

for the day
after tomorrow?

I don't know
about Pete and Kraus,

but I have plans.
Really?

Sure. That's the day
I rotate my tires.

Oh, I get it.
You're planning
to surprise me.

Good idea.

Bye, sweetheart.

Her big surprise
is going to come

when she finds out
her daddy is marrying Denise.

Kraus, the Governor
is my friend,

Denise is my secretary,

and if there was
anything going on,

I'd be the first to know.

Where did you tell Katie
we went saturday?

Oh, I just made up
some excuse about
a business luncheon.

Who knew it was gonna
take all afternoon?

GOVERNOR: Well, I didn't
want to rush things.

Listen, thank you
for giving me
time to decide.

Morning, everybody.

ALL: Good morning, Governor.

Well, I think we made
the right decision,

and I can't tell
you how glad I am
you thought of me.

Well, after I got
to know you

and I realized how well
you and Katie get along,

you were the only
logical choice.

See?

I can't believe
she dumped me for him.

I wonder when
they're gonna
break the big news.

When the Governor
wants us to know,
he'll tell us.

Well, he doesn't have
to tell me anything.

To me, it is
clear as a bell.

Should be for a
dingdong like you.

KRAUS: I hear you!

Well, gentlemen,
it's a glorious day.

Good news! The police
recovered my car.

Oh, good, then you
got my tax records.

Well, unfortunately,

the thieves took everything
that was in the car.

Everything?

Not my tax records.

What would they want
with my tax records?

Crooks do strange
things, Benson.

Once, they broke
into my aunt's house,

and all they stole
was her banana bread.

Are you suggesting these
two crimes are connected?

I'm terribly sorry
about this, Benson.

I feel it's
partially my fault.

Partially? You're going
down to the IRS with me.

I'd be more
than happy to.

Good, because
when the guy asks me,

"What kind of idiot
would lose his tax records?"

I want to be able
to show him exhibit 'A'.

Here, Shirley,
I finished the
Morrison audit.

Who's next?
Mr. DuBois at :.

Great. Uh, did you
make a copy of the
Johnson memo?

Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Hackett,
I'll do it right now.

Oh.
Ah!

Yeah, Benson,
I know the tax laws.

Just let me
do the talking.

Clayton, don't get
yourself all worked up.

Now, just let me
do the talking.

Okay, but make sure
that you explain to him

why my tax records
are missing.

We don't have to explain
anything to these people.

First of all,
they're not that bright.

I'm sure they'll be
bright enough to see

that I don't have
any records.

Benson, they are stupid.

It's common knowledge.

Just ask anyone.
Oh, here.

Excuse me.

Um, this is my
friend's first time.

Have you ever
been involved in
an audit before?

Yes.

And you were the brightest
person in the room, right?

Yes.

See? I rest my case.
(LAUGHS)

They're all idiots.
(LAUGHS)

Now, what time
is your appointment,
anyway?

It's at :.

In fact, I can
take you right now,
Mr. DuBois.

Now, let me see
if I got this straight.

Your accountant
ran off to the Bahamas

with a cocktail waitress.

You left your tax records
in Mr. Endicott's car,

which was stolen
while he was in,

buying some breath mints.

The crooks abandoned the car,
but took your tax records.

Is that right?

That's right.

Is that your story?

Those are the highlights.

You see,
Mr. Hackett...

Bup, bup, bup,
bup, bup, bup!

Seems perfectly
logical to me.

Yes, but then,
I'm not as bright as you.

Now, Mr. DuBois...

Hold it, Hackett.

Now, just because
you hang around
the waiting room

listening in on private
conversations

doesn't mean you
can ride roughshod
over Mr. DuBois.

I don't intend to ride
roughshod over anybody.

I'll treat Mr. DuBois
like any other citizen.

(MOCKINGLY) Ooh,
like any other citizen.

(NORMALLY) You do
realize who this is?
Yes.

The budget director
of this state.

That's why there's
no excuse

for misunderstanding
the tax laws.

Now, can we get
on with this?

Can you explain
the business deduction
of $?

Yes, I was promoted
last year,

and I needed three
new suits for my job.

I'm afraid the ruling
on clothing deductions
has changed.

Disallowed.

Now, just a minute,
Hackett. (LAUGHS)

You think you're
the only person who
knows the tax laws?

Mr. DuBois only wears
those suits at work.

Can you prove that?

Can you prove
that he doesn't?

Is he wearing one
of those suits now?
Yes.

Is he working now?
Well, no.

Disallowed.

Brilliant.

I see you've taken a deduction
for $ in sales tax

over and above
what's considered
normal for your income.

Oh, well, that's the
sales tax on my new car.

Aha, new car. You have
the sales receipt?

Unfortunately, it's with
the stolen records,

but the car's right out
in the parking lot.

Where?

I can show you.
Right over here.

Right out there.

Which one?

See the blue car,
the one where
the doggy is?

Hey, get away
from there!

I'm afraid this just
isn't your day,
Mr. DuBois.

You're gonna disallow
the sales tax?

No. No, that
seems legitimate.

I was talking about
your whitewalls.

"Seems legitimate."
"Disallowed."

You know,
I'm not fond of your
attitude, Hackett.

I want the name
of your superior.

We just call him, uh,
Mr. President.

All right, there's one
more area I question.

Charitable contributions.

It's this deduction
of $,

for a donation to the...
Mid-city orphanage.

$,?
I don't believe it.

Well, you see,
that was kind of a mistake.

Oh, I see. You really
didn't give $,.

Oh, no, no, no.
I gave it.

It's just that I didn't
mean to give that much.

I don't follow you.

Well, Reverend Tompkins,

the man to whom
I gave the money,

came down to my office

to discuss the cuts
in state funding,

and I got so carried away
with his situation

that I ended up
writing him a check.

A very generous check.

(LAUGHS) I'll say
it's generous.

I don't believe it.

Well, actually, you see,

it was gonna
be for a couple
of hundred dollars,

but then he
started telling me
some sad stories

about the kids,
and so I figured I could
stretch it to $.

And then, uh, he told me
about the hole in the roof,

the broken furnace,
and the leaky water heater,

and I got carried away,

and I ended up writing him
a check for $,.

And you don't
have a receipt or
a canceled check.

No.

All right. I'll tell
you what I'll do.

I'll allow a
deduction of $.

Could we compromise?
Mke it $?

$.
Hold it!

Now, you either
give him the entire
deduction or nothing.

All right. Nothing.

Disallowed.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Look, Mr. DuBois,
you come back
with some proof

and without
your mouthpiece,

and I'll give you
the whole deduction.

(SIGHING)
Oh, well, okay.

That's fair enough.

I guess Reverend Tompkins
has some sort of records.

Good. Let's see
what we got here.

Uh, we disallowed
for $...

(MUMBLING)
(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Interest.

This looks good.
The donation.

Hey. Looks like
the bottom line's
about $.

Well, I must admit,
I was expecting
a bigger refund,

but $ beats nothing.

That's $ you owe us.

Well, I guess that
about wraps it up.

I got to run.
Thanks so much,
Mr. Hackett.

Come on, Benson.

You sure Benson
won't mind our
putting it in here?

No, he won't care.

I sure hope
Katie likes it.

Oh, I'm sure
she will.

Oh, listen, Denise,
thank you again.

Aw. (CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, Benson, what do
you think this is?

A big roach motel.

(LAUGHS)

It's a dollhouse, silly.

It's a custom-built one.
It's for Katie's birthday.

Denise helped me
pick it out and furnish it.

Oh, I see.

Then you two
aren't getting married.

Married?

Whatever gave you
a dumb idea like that?

(KNOCKING)

Ah, come in,
Reverend Tompkins.

Hello, Benson.
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Oh, no. You
just saved me

from a very
embarrassing moment.

Governor, you know
the Reverend Tompkins,
don't you?

Oh, of course I do.
How are you, sir?

Fine. Thank you.
Sure glad I caught
you, Governor.

Reverend, the check
is in the mail!

Oh, thank you,
because every
little bit helps.

Benson, don't let Katie
see the dollhouse.

Married? (GIGGLES)

Have a seat,
Reverend Tompkins.

Oh, thank you.

Did you find a record
of my donation?

Well, brother DuBois,

I think I've got
some bad news for you.

That's why I came over here
to tell you in person.

You see, a couple
of months ago,

they had a little fire
at the orphanage.

Ugh.

Now, let me see
if I've got this straight.

You claim that
Mr. DuBois did indeed
give you $,,

but during a
retirement party

for your guidance
counselor,

the office curtains
caught on fire,

and all your records
were partially burned,

including this ledger?

Absolutely right.

And if page
had survived the fire,

you would find
Mr. DuBois' name there

with a notation of $,.

And that's your story?

Those are the highlights.

You're good,
DuBois, real good.

Runaway accountant,

stolen car,
missing records,

a fire in the orphanage.

You know, you throw in
a little sex scandal,

and you got a movie
of the week.

That's another way
of saying "disallowed"?

Right, disallowed.

But I'm telling
you the truth,
Mr. Hackett.

That may be,
but it helps to have
the truth on paper.

Well, Reverend,
thank you for
coming down.

You know,
this may cost Benson
a few extra dollars,

but think of the love
he has gained

from homeless boys.

Tell him about Billy.
Oh, yeah.

Billy wants to play
little league,

but we can't afford
to buy him a glove.

And the Simpson twins.

Oh, yeah, they're
much better, thank God,

but they can still
use more therapy.

And how was
Christmas last year?

Oh, just fine.
I don't think

the kids even noticed
there wasn't a tree.

Thank God
for men like you,
brother Benson.

Of course, these
aren't your problems,

because the good lord
has provided for you.

Well, I guess
I better be going

because it's a long walk
back to the orphanage.

Wait a minute, Reverend.

I know it doesn't
look like much,
but here's $.

Thank you, and
bless you, Mr. Hackett.

This could probably buy
one of the boys a sweater.

All right.

I guess I can
handle $.

Thank you. Thank you.

This could probably
fix some of the
broken windows.

It's so cold
this time of year,

terribly cold.

Look, Reverend,
I ain't got but $ left.

Oh, no,
you've done enough.
You've done enough.

You take it.

I wish I could do more.

Thank you so much.

No longer
shall I call you
"Mr. Hackett,"

but "brother Hackett."

I will see that
the boys remember
you in their prayers!

May the lord be
with you and bless you.

Yeah.

What are you staring at?

Well, I was just
thinking what a nice
thing that was you did.

It was the least
I could do.

Well, it's more
than you planned.

He cleaned you out.

It was for a good cause.

Well, let me see
if I've got this
straight now.

You were
gonna give $,

but you got
so carried away
by his situation

that you
wound up giving $
without a receipt.

Is that your story?

That's the highlights.

(LAUGHING)

All right, DuBois.

I get your point.

And I believe your story.

Deductions allowed.

(IMITATING REVEREND TOMPKINS)
Thank you, Mr. Hackett.

And I'll remember you
in my prayers.

Uh, one more
thing, DuBois,

Don't let the people
in the waiting room
see you smiling.

(NORMAL VOICE)
Oh, sure.

Did you go
to the bank?
Uh-huh.

And I cashed your
refund check.
Here you go.

$.

Know what you're
gonna spend it on?

Yeah, I got my eye
on a new stereo.

Ooh. Oh, incidentally,

Reverend Tompkins
is waiting in your office.

Reverend Tompkins?

Uh, look, I'll tell
you what to do.

You this $.

Protect it. Guard it
with your life.

Even if I come back
and ask you for it,

don't give it to me.
Go tit?

Ah, Reverend Tompkins,
so good to see you!