02x22 - Lifesaver

[bunniefuu]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Kraus, what is this bill for?

$..

I can see that, sweetheart. What'd we buy?

A new teakettle.

New teakettle for $.?

It whistles.

For $, it ought to sing and dance.

Oh, it isn't a new idea, Katie.

We had Government Day when I was in school.

I remember one year we put on a little skit,

and I played the Bill of Rights.

I had a wonderful opening line,

"Hi, I'm Bill."

Bill of Rights. Get it?

Yeah, I got it, but I don't know what to do with it.

Then as I named my amendments,

they'd step forward and speak for themselves.

I remember there was one little redheaded amendment.

Oh, boy, did I have a crush on her.

Now I can't even remember which amendment she was.

You still haven't answered my question, Daddy.

Are you gonna be our guest speaker or not?

Honey, I think I'm free that day,

but I better check with Marcy.

I already checked. You're free.

Oh, good.

Then tell your class I'd be honored to be there.

Great. You'll be a much bigger hit

than the frog, Jimmy Fischer brought in for biology day.

Oh, that's a tough act to follow.

Did you have Government Day when you were in school, Kraus?

When I was in school, every day was Government Day.

How about you?

The only thing I remember is independent study day.

What was that?

Well, that was the day, you could study anything you wanted to.

I'd go off on my own

to see a movie about a historical figure.

Who?

Zorro.

And you learned something from that?

You better believe it.

When my mother found out, I learned never to do it again.

You're out of coffee over here, Kraus.

I know. I took the last cup.

Do you have any plans to replace it?

When I have finished my breakfast.

I have little enough time to eat around here.

"Kraus, do this. Kraus, do that."

The longer you bother me, the longer it will take.

[COUGHS] If you want coffee...

I know, make it myself.

BENSON: What's the matter?

What is wrong? Hold it.

Hold on, hold it, hold it.

Let me see if I can... Wait a minute.

Uh!

[GRUNTS]

Did I get it? Are you all right?

Oh, Benson...

I was choking,

and you saved my life.

And this is my reward?

Hey, Benson, I hear you snatched Kraus from the jaws of death.

I lost my head, okay?

Come on, you're a hero. Enjoy it.

I've always wanted to be a hero,

but I never get the chance.

Next time Kraus chokes, I'll buzz you.

Closest I ever came was Janine's cat.

It fell in a swimming pool.

I pulled it out.

And then, I realized I'd have to give it mouth-to-mouth,

so I threw it back in.

You threw it back in?

Yeah, he was just faking. Jumped right out again.

No, he's still alive. Mean sucker.

By the way, what did Miss Kraus, choke on?

One of them Donuts.

Hmm,

you did it once, you can do it again.

Hi, Benson. Is Miss Kraus back from the hospital, yet?

Hospital? I thought she was all right.

She is, Pete. But, she got hurt when Benson gave her that hug.

Katie, please don't call it a hug.

It was the Heimlich maneuver.

Does it only work on Germans?

When your number's up, your number's up.

Katie, I'm glad you're here. I want to talk to you.

Clayton, are you sure you can't reschedule that hearing?

Oh, sir, the date is set,

and we do not want to cross Senator Reilly.

He's sitting on your freshwater hatcheries bill.

Whatever gets you through the night.

So, Governor, may I confirm with Senator Reilly?

Just a minute, Clayton.

Honey, I'm sorry,

but I won't be able to talk to your class on Government Day.

But I told everyone you'd be there.

It's a matter of priorities, Katie.

We can't be in two places at once.

Why not? There are two of you.

Benson, we really don't need your help.

Benson has a point. Why don't you go in my place?

Governor, surely you're not serious, are you?

Are you, Daddy?

Sir, I've never been able to hit it off with children.

Your batting average ain't that high with adults.

Oh, that's silly, Clayton. You'll do fine.

Sir, it's not silly. Children hate me.

Ask Katie.

I don't hate you, Clayton.

Good, then it's settled.

I just like him less than other people.

That's a great idea you came up with, Benson.

Thanks a lot. Now, don't worry, Katie.

Clayton will do a good job of explaining the government.

Yeah, but how do I explain Clayton?

Ohh! Miss Kraus, how are you?

She's fine, honey. She's just not quite ready for a hug yet.

Yeah, I'm still trying to recover from the last one.

I owe one to you, okay?

It's a deal, Liebchen.

Catch you later. Okay.

Hey, Kraus, I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry, Benson.

You saved my life.

That's what I mean.

[LAUGHS] Ohh!

Don't make me laugh. I have a contusion of the rib.

Really? I did that?

Yeah, it's all right. It's only a bruise.

And evidently it's not that unusual.

The doctor often sees it with the Heimlich maneuver.

But it's okay, Benson. I owe you everything.

You owe me nothing.

I owe you my life.

That's nothing.

[LAUGHS] Ohh!

I asked you not to do that.

I got to get back to work.

Okay, Marcy. Thanks for everything.

You're welcome. Now, you take it easy, Gretchen.

In no time at all you'll be as good as new.

New wasn't all that good.

[LAUGHS] Ohh!

You did it again, you rascal, you.

I'm gonna make a cup of tea.

No, you're not. I'm going to make it for you.

Ohh! Aah!

Kraus, you're in pain.

Yeah.

And thanks to you, I'm alive to feel it.

Ohh! Okay! That's it,

go to bed. Forget the tea.

All right.

But when I'm feeling better,

I'm going to make you tea

until it's coming out your ears.

I can hardly wait.

Ohh!

Kraus!

KRAUS: I, I'm fine. I'm perfect.

Perfect mess.

KRAUS: I hear you!

But it's okay.

Marcy, where are those time sheets?

I just gave them to Gretchen.

What did she want with them?

To give them to you. She wanted to save you the trip.

Oh! That woman is gonna drive me crazy.

Ever since she recovered, she won't leave me alone.

Bakes me cookies, irons my shirts, washes my car,

and now she wants to feed me breakfast in bed.

I think that's nice.

At my apartment?

Marcy, I need three copies of this. All right.

Well, well, well, Benson, I'm surprised to see you without Miss Kraus,

tagging along behind.

Yeah, so am I.

Clayton and I have been meaning to remind you

about your appointment, tomorrow morning.

No, Marcy, I just checked my calendar, I have no appointments tomorrow.

Oh, yes you do.

Marcy, what are...

Katie's school! I blocked it out.

It's scheduled this week at .

Before you leave, stop by my desk, I'll give you milk money.

Benson, you got me into this how do I get out?

Go over the wall during recess.

You're a big help. I try to be.

I feel he's gonna be a huge hit with the kids.

Yeah, right up there with flu sh*ts.

Ah, Benson, I found you.

Was I lost?

You left your sweater on the back of the chair. Don't you want it?

Well, Kraus, if I'd have wanted it,

I wouldn't have left it on the back of the chair.

No, but there's a chill in the air.

I wouldn't want my favorite person

coming down with anything.

Of course, if you do, I'll nurse you back to health.

Give me the sweater.

BENSON: Thank you, Kraus.

No, thank you, Benson.

I can't take much more of this.

Well, just try to see it from her point of view.

Wouldn't you feel obligated if she saved you from choking?

I suppose so,

but unfortunately I wasn't the one choking.

Hmm...

Hey, that's not bad.

What's not bad?

The idea you gave me. What idea?

I'm gonna let Kraus repay me in full.

Thank you, Marcy.

Anytime.

Kraus, what happened to my desk?

Nothing. I just cleaned it.

How does it look?

Like it belongs to someone else.

What is this?

Pillow for your chair. Specially personalized.

And the "W" stands for "Benson"?

It stands for "Wednesday."

I made one for every day of the week.

Now, can I help you with something,

or did you just come in here to complain?

Which is okay.

I came over here to get something to eat.

Oh, what would you like?

Do I smell strudel?

Yeah, I just baked it.

Your famous strudel?

You hate my famous strudel. It has nuts.

Oh, no, I love your famous strudel,

especially the nuts.

Well, I'll get you some.

Heavy on the nuts.

Whatever Benson wants...

Benson gets.

Aren't you gonna watch?

No, but if you want me to watch, I'll watch.

I want you to watch.

Is it good?

Good?

Nice and dry.

[STUTTERING] Is something wrong?

Oh, no!

Oh, he's choking!

Oh! Oh!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Help him!

Oh, don't worry! I'll help you!

Don't panic! I know what to do... Break a rib.

Ow!

Oh, Pete, you did it.

You saved his life.

Well, Benson, you owe me one, huh?

Yeah, and you're gonna get it, too.

Benson, wait up.

Oh. What are you doing, running away from me?

No, no. I thought you were Kraus, man.

So, how do you feel now?

Fine. Yeah. Feels pretty good to be alive, huh?

Well, frankly, Pete, I have nothing to compare it to.

It was a lucky thing I was there this morning.

Oh, which is kinda what I want to talk to you about.

Okay, but keep it down. I don't want Kraus to find me.

Okay, here. Let me read you something, okay?

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Today Pete Downey,

"Press Secretary to the Governor,

"saved the life of a fellow worker.

"I am writing you in hopes you'll recognize

"the heroic and courageous actions of Mr. Downey,

"the man to whom I owe my life.

"Best regards."

Here's where you sign.

Pete, I can't sign that.

Oh, come on, I got a shot at the civilian medal of honor.

I don't care what you've got a shot at.

You didn't save my life.

Oh, Benson, just because I didn't break a rib.

I was pretending to choke so Kraus could save me.

I don't understand you, Benson.

Well, I figured if she thought she saved me,

then she would stop trying to repay me for saving her life.

You expect me to buy that? Come on, sign the letter.

Pete, I'm not signing that.

KRAUS: Benson. Oh, Benson?

I swear that woman's part bloodhound.

You haven't seen me.

Will you sign the letter? No!

Pete, have you seen Benson?

Yeah, he went that way.

Benson? Whoo-hoo?

I just don't know what to do, sir.

I've tried treating Kraus nicely.

I've tried treating her rotten,

avoiding her.

Nothing works. What am I going to do?

You know, this reminds me of a story.

I figured it would.

No, no, Benson.

This might really be useful to you.

See, back at the lumber-mill, we had a foreman named Luke.

And, all Luke ever talked about was retiring

and spending all his time fishing.

Oh, how he dreamed about his fishing.

He collected flies and reels and spinners

and funny little hats.

This is gonna get to the useful part soon?

It's coming up right now.

So, the day finally came when Luke retired.

And before you knew it, he was out on the lake with a pole in his hand all day,

every day, seven days a week,

week in, week out.

And, you know what happened?

No, how would I know what happened?

He got so bored, he nearly went crazy.

He got too much of what he wanted.

Governor, you did have a point when you started this story.

That was it.

He decided to give up fishing.

And he lived happily ever after.

Well, not exactly.

As a matter of fact, on his way home from the lake,

he was run over by a bus.

See, that's useful.

How can we get Kraus under a bus?

No, Benson, the useful part was before that.

If you let Miss Kraus do things for you,

sooner or later she'll get bored with it.

You mean, let her get it out of her system?

Exactly. Let her do anything she wants for you.

I don't know, sir.

With my luck, this whole thing will backfire.

If you open up that can of worms with Kraus...

I thought I heard voices in here.

Good evening, Governor. Miss Kraus.

Having trouble sleeping, Benson?

Can I warm your milk for you?

Well, yes, but why don't you let this cool first?

All right. While I'm waiting, I could rub your back.

Yeah, do whatever you want.

Lighten up, Kraus, that's my neck.

It's hard to get parts.

Now, doesn't that feel good?

If you think that feels good, let her walk on your back.

She's been on my back for years. Oh!

I want to do whatever Benson wants me to do.

I would like... You know, what I always forget to do is wind my watch.

I'll wind your watch for you every morning.

It's self-winding.

So, I'll shake your arm.

Anything else?

You know what my mom used to do when I was a kid?

She would roll my socks,

and then she'd turn the tops down

so that the name tapes all faced the same direction.

Oh, that is so sweet.

I don't have name tapes on my socks.

You will tomorrow.

I can't tell you how grateful I am.

No, I am the grateful one, Benson.

Thank you for letting me do things for you.

You know something?

I think we should celebrate tomorrow night

with a special dinner.

I am going to take you out to my favorite restaurant,

my treat.

Well, good night, Benson.

Good night? You're going to bed,

and I'm stuck with going to dinner with Kraus?

I told you this wouldn't work.

This whole thing was your idea.

Yeah, I guess I was wrong.

You win some, lose some. [LAUGHS]

Hi, Benson. How you doing?

[GRUMBLES] [SIGHS]

You all ready for your big date with Gretchen?

This is not a date. I didn't ask her out.

The Governor got me into this.

We're just going to dinner.

Sounds like a date to me.

I don't care what it sounds like to you.

I've been on dates before,

and, believe me, I know the difference.

This is definitely not a date.

Well, have a good time anyway.

If I was gonna have a good time,

then, that would be a date, you see.

Benson, your date will be ready in a minute.

No, honey, this is not a date.

Miss Kraus is just taking Benson to dinner.

Why isn't it a date?

You got me.

Benson, why don't you try to explain it to her?

Katie, how was Government Day?

Everything was fine.

Then Clayton showed up.

Didn't go too well, huh?

Well, let's put it this way.

After Clayton left,

my class voted to abolish Government Day.

Good night, everybody.

Clayton, Katie was telling us all about your lecture.

Really?

You know, I must admit the whole experience

turned out to be far more agreeable

than I originally anticipated.

[CHUCKLES]

And I suspect it was equally rewarding

for the students, huh? [CHUCKLES]

CLAYTON: Wasn't it, Katie?

Yeah, sure,

but you don't ask a -year-old to step outside.

Oh, Clayton.

To talk to him.

He questioned one of my facts,

and I happen to be an authority on dates.

It's not a date!

I beg your pardon?

Benson and Gretchen are going out.

Oh. Who cares?

Benson, where are you and Kraus going tonight?

She's taking him out to dinner.

I love women's lib.

They take you out, they pay for everything.

You gonna use her car?

Pete...

There's a great deal more to women's liberation than that.

Yeah, maybe from your point of view.

Well, I am all ready.

Oh, Gretchen, you look beautiful.

Thank you, Marcy. Thanks for your help.

Yeah, she does, doesn't she, Benson?

She looks all right. Come on, girl.

I wish I knew a liberated woman.

I wish I was invisible.

Come on, Benson. I'm going to show you a real good time.

If I'm not back by :, pay the ransom.

Benson, relax and enjoy yourself.

How can I relax?

I don't even know what you ordered me for dinner.

Trust me, it's a lip-smacker.

Something we used to have in Bavaria when I was a kid.

It was only served for special occasions.

But, of course, this is a special occasion.

Kraus, what did you order?

A surprise.

Everything on the menu is a surprise to me.

Well, that's half the fun of German food.

What's the other half, beer and dribble glasses?

Uh-oh, he is back.

Who?

That big ox with the cigar!

Kraus, Kraus, come on. Not so loud.

Why? That smoke is inexcusable.

Here you are.

Sorry I took so long.

We had to send out for more schweinlippen.

But you did get it?

Yeah.

What exactly is this concoction?

Schweinlippen?

That's pigs' lips.

It's a sort of sausage. Pigs' lips, wurst.

Mm-hmm.

It certainly couldn't get any "wurst."[LAUGHS]

I think I just lost my appetite.

Must've been something you said.

It's that disgusting cigar smoke!

Kraus, be quiet.

Why? That obnoxious chimney

doesn't care whose dinner he spoils.

Now, see here. Just a minute, Kraus.

Just relax. Let me handle this, okay?

Uh, sir, we were just beginning our dinner.

So?

Could I ask you to extinguish your cigar?

No.

Well, that concludes my survey. Thank you.

Cool and calm. That's the way you handle that sort of thing.

You call that handling it, Benson?

Of course, under the circumstances,

I'm not gonna mess with this man and his cigar.

You're right, Benson. Thank you.

You're my date. I should handle it.

What are you doing? Kraus, sit down.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, buster, enough with the stinkin' cigar.

Says who?

Says us.

You don't like my cigar, then?

We don't like it.

Well, you see, we're not cigar smokers.

Actually Kraus prefers a pinch between the cheek and the gum.

Well, I ain't putting it out.

That's what you think, fathead.

Kraus, Kraus.

Benson, sit down and finish your dinner.

I'll take care of this.

You'd better do what the lady says, sonny.

You better watch it.

Benson here may be quiet, but he really packs a wallop.

Oh?

Well, actually I'm not packing my wallop this evening.

So, why don't we sit down and enjoy our pigs' lips?

Benson, I got to do what I got to do.

Now, are you going to put out that cigar,

or is somebody gonna do it for you?

Like who?

Listen, before this gets out of hand,

why don't we take a moment of reflection

and see how dumb this really is?

The only thing that I can see that's dumb

is a tall broad that talks with an accent.

Oh, fella, you're talking about my date.

Oh, Benson.

Some guys just got no taste in women, mister.

Oh, I think I've just been pushed

past the point of no return.

Look out, Kraus.

[STOMPS]

Now I'm not a happy person.

Neither am I.

Oh!

[LADY SCREAMS]

Oh!

Ben... Benson, I'm sorry. I lost my head.

But I thought you were a goner.

Well, so did I. That guy could've k*lled me.

I know.

I can't believe it. You saved my life. You know what this means?

What? We're even.

Yeah, we're even.

Check!

Thanks for buying me dinner last night, Benson.

You're welcome.

Hey, that's right!

I paid for dinner.

Of course, you did.

But, you were supposed to take me to dinner.

That was, to thank you for saving my life.

Exactly!

But, now, I have saved your life, so we are even.

Yeah, but you saved my life after we ordered dinner.

You still owe me, Kraus.

But, I saved your life, before you asked for the check, so we are even.

Owe me, Kraus.

We are even, Benson. Owe me.

Even. Owe me.

Even. Owe me.

Even.

See, isn't this better?

Dutch treat?

You got it.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]