02x20 - The Governor's House Call

[bunniefuu]

[OPENING THEME PLAYING]

"Continued on page ."

Hey, who tore page out of my mystery magazine?

This cookie recipe was on page .

Yeah, but you got the page in which they name the k*ller.

Come on. Don't you know who did it?

I know who's gonna do it.

It was the doctor.

You better watch yourself, Kraus.

You know, with a good lawyer, I'd be out in four years.

Are my cookies ready, Miss Kraus?

Almost. Be sure to share them with Tommy undSally.

Okay.

It's nice of you to do this, Gretchen. Thanks.

Sure.

Now, you have a good time this weekend, Liebchen.

You really gonna take all the kids to the amusement park?

Are you kidding? That's all they've been able to talk about.

Marcy promised to go on the Gut Buster with us.

Oh, yeah? The Gut Buster, huh?

Your insurance paid up?

What does that mean? Oh, nothing.

I hear they made it a lot safer.

Safer?

I got to admire you, Marcy.

I rode it... Once.

I broke into a cold sweat. My knees were shaking.

I couldn't catch my breath.

And that's while I was still standing in line.

What's so funny? I don't find that funny.

Yeah, right. Let's not talk about it.

That's fine with me.

Actually, the beginning of the ride isn't that bad. It's very slow.

Oh, that's nice.

That's because you're climbing straight up.

It goes up and up and up,

and then you get to the top, and it starts down.

Boy, there you are, staring dead into eternity.

And your mouth is wide open.

You can't scream because your heart is in your mouth.

And of course, you hope you die, but unfortunately you don't die.

I don't want to hear anymore.

But he hasn't gotten to the best part yet.

I don't care. I'm not going up on that thing.

You said you would. I lied.

What's the matter, Marcy, chicken?

She's not chicken. Are you, Marcy?

We'll talk about it in the car.

Bye, everybody. See you Monday.

Happy landings, Marcy.

Oh, cute. You're very cute.

Well, I hope they have a good time.

You know, when I was a girl in Bavaria,

we didn't have amusement parks.

But every spring, the carnival came to town.

Here we go again. KRAUS: Ja.

The dancing bears, the jugglers, the bearded baby...

The what?

The bearded baby.

Undthe star attraction had a crush on me.

He even took me out to dinner. [CHUCKLES]

Didn't work out, though.

Why not? He was a fire-eater.

So?

So, every time he laughed, I had to duck.

Talk about dragon breath. [WHISTLES]

Why do you feel you must share these stories with me?

Jack Beddoes took another swipe at the Governor in his column today.

Did you see it?

I never read that Jack Beddoes. Every day he lies.

This time he's gone too far. Here, listen to this.

"Talk around town is that Governor 'Clean Gene' Gatling

may soon be recalled."

I'm gonna demand a retraction.

What's there to retract?

It's all rumors... Rumors without fact.

This is the same guy we have to peel off the bar at every press party.

Now, there's a fact.

Has the Governor seen this yet?

No, he's too busy getting ready for his navy reunion dinner.

He's really looking forward to it.

Yeah, he's been singing Anchors Aweighall morning.

I'm gonna get on this first thing Monday.

Got any plans this weekend?

I had a date with this really terrific girl, but she canceled.

Why? She doesn't like me.

Too bad you and Clayton have to work late. Not me.

I'm going out und have myself a wild time.

Don't forget your library card.

Oh, Benson, I want you to meet Scooter McFee,

formerly Lieutenant McFee of the US Navy.

Oh, glad to meet you, sir. Heard a lot about you.

Heard a lot about you, too, Benson, some of it good.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Haven't lost it, have I, Gene?

The same old Scooter.

Has Gene told you how I got the name Scooter?

I asked him not to.

We were on liberty in Shanghai.

I got into a crap game and lost all our money. [LAUGHS]

Including our rickshaw fare.

Gene had to walk back to the ship.

You'll never guess how I got there.

On a scooter?

I didn't tell him.

But you remember that liberty in Honolulu?

No, I don't...

So it must have been great.

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, he's something. He's something. He's something.

That was the time I nearly got tattooed.

You? Yeah!

I wanted a big one right across my chest,

but fortunately, the tattoo artist

didn't know what Myrna Loy looked like.

But he knew what Betty Grable looked like. Here, do you want to see?

No, no, if you don't mind, I'd prefer to remember

Betty Grable without hair on her forehead.

I don't know how many times this big lug here saved my bacon.

Whenever I went out for a good time,

he was always there with the bail money.

Good, good, good.

[CHUCKLING SARCASTICALLY]

Well, Benson, I hate to drag him away,

but I guess we better get going.

Yeah, I guess you better.

Okay, but they wouldn't dare start that dinner

without us there to lead them in...

♪♪ Anchors aweigh, my boys

♪♪ Anchors aweigh

♪♪ Farewell to college joys

♪♪ We sail at break of day

♪♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪♪

And we won that w*r anyway.

[HUMMING]

Hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

My friends...

Thank you for welcoming me into your homes this evening.

I come to you, not only as governor of this great state,

but also as a concerned citizen...

And an impostor.

Benson, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Nothing, I... Oh, don't get up.

I won't tell anybody.

There's nothing to tell.

I just happen to be sitting in the Governor's chair.

Did you happen to like it?

Benson, I have been drafting a rebuttal to that

libelous item in Jack Beddoes' column this morning.

Oh, I see, and you thought you'd put yourself in the Governor's shoes.

And in his chair.

I'm surprised you're not wearing his suit.

Hi, fellas, I'm back.

How was the reunion dinner, sir?

Nobody makes a finer chicken a la king

than the US Navy.

I gather you had a good time.

Oh, I did. Scooter was in rare form.

He switched the signs in the hotel lobby,

and we ended up in an Evelyn Wood speed-reading class.

Took us minutes to figure out where we were.

Too bad you couldn't read faster.

By the time the party broke up, Scooter was raring to go.

He wanted me to do the town with him.

Why didn't you?

Because the Governor must protect the dignity of his office.

Then he'd better get out of that hat.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Governor's office.

What?

Who is this?

Oh, hold on.

It's Scooter. Sounds like he's in bad shape.

I hope he's not in jail.

Hello, Scooter. It's Gene.

What?

All right, but, Scooter, we're not gonna take any chances.

I'm coming over, and I'm bringing a doctor.

What's your address?

Maple Street.

Okay, Scooter, I'm on my way. Bye-bye.

He says he's sick, and he says he wants me to come pick him up.

Clayton, would you call Dr. Philips

and ask him to meet us there just in case?

Benson, would you come with me?

It may take the two of us to handle him.

Handle him? Maybe we should call the shore patrol.

Dr. Philips, this is an emergency.

Meet Governor Gatling at Maple Street immediately.

I hate answering machines.

I'm coming with you, sir.

Oh, I sent the chauffeur home.

Oh, that's all right, sir. We'll take Benson's car. Good.

Why don't we take your car?

It's a two-seater.

Oh, I see. Just enough room for you and all your friends.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes?

We were given this address. We're looking for a friend.

Ahh, yes, of course. Won't you come in, please?

Good evening.

You must be the plumbers from Milwaukee.

Won't you make yourselves comfortable?

I'll announce you.

This is a lovely home.

The plumbers from Milwaukee?

Well, Scooter was probably drunk. Who knows what he said?

What sort of place is this, anyway?

It looks like Queen Victoria's rumpus room.

With this bar here, it could be some kind of social club.

I don't think it's the YMCA.

What is the house number?

.

Good lord.

What's the matter? We're in the Club.

GOVERNOR: What's that?

The local house of joy.

Well, it looks cheerful enough.

Depends on what cheers you up.

Oh, you mean...

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Well, I guess Scooter hasn't changed.

I remember one time in San Diego...

No, no, sir... Sir, not now.

We've got to get out of here before you're seen.

Think of your career. Think of mine.

Think of Scooter. That's why we're here.

Good evening, gentlemen. Good evening.

How can I help you?

Well, we're looking for a man.

You've come to the wrong place.

His name's Scooter. You can't miss him.

He's loud, paunchy, middle-aged, wears glasses.

Go on.

He's got a hairy tattoo of Betty Grable on his chest.

Maybe he's in the Jacuzzi. I'll check.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Hello?

[LAUGHS]

Governor Gatling here?

I think you must have the wrong number.

No, I'm Governor Gatling.

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

Good old Harry. Always kidding.

Last week he thought he was the president.

I thought you looked familiar.

You are the governor. I voted for you.

Hello? Scooter? Where are you?

We thought you were here, sick.

That's not funny, Scooter.

No, it won't be funnier in the morning.

Good night.

I'm sorry, fellas.

It's one of Scooter's practical jokes.

Well, I'm practically laughing.

Sir, let's get out of here.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Oh, it's no bother, sir. It's an honor.

I'm Peggy Rhodes.

Well, how do you do? How do you do?

Oh, this is Benson.

Benson. How are you?

Sir... And this is?

George Bernard Shaw.

I thought he was dead.

Junior.

Sir, we must be leaving.

Yes, we'd better. It was very nice meeting you.

I'm always happy to meet somebody who voted for me.

Particularly a homeowner.

I felt your opponent was a hypocrite.

You know that speech he delivered on our declining morality?

Yes. He wrote it at that bar.

[LAUGHTER]

Governor, shouldn't we be doing other things,

like vacating the premises?

Yes, we'd better go.

You know, I had a cousin once named Peggy

who had beautiful blond hair just like yours.

Well, thank you, Governor, but this is one of my wigs.

You know, gentlemen prefer blondes.

Oh, I certainly do.

It's one of my favorite musicals.

That and Call Me Madam.

If we don't get out of here, they'll call you "unemployed."

Well, good night.

Good night, Governor. And keep up the good work.

Oh, you, too.

[SIRENS WAIL]

Good lord, it's a raid!

No, not again.

What are we gonna do?

Where's the Jacuzzi?

What good will that do?

Depends on how long you can hold your breath.

Is there another way out of here?

Yes, but it's no help. It leads to an alley that goes to the front of the house.

Oh, we better find a place to hide.

All we have to do is tell the police

we were here visiting a sick friend.

Who isn't sick. Right.

Who isn't here. Right.

Isn't much of a story, is it?

No way out that way.

We can all relax, gentlemen.

The siren belongs to a fire engine.

There's smoke coming from the house across the street.

But still. We'd better get out of here before something else happens.

Yeah. Well, good night again, Miss Rhodes.

We can't get out this way. Why not?

Because the streets are full of people watching the fire

and TV cameras watching the people.

Oh, no, we're gonna be on Eyewitness News.

Somebody is bound to come into this room sooner or later.

Governor, we've got to get you out of sight.

Miss Rhodes, do you have a room that's unoccupied?

Just room six, but it's reserved for an important client.

He should be here any minute.

Ms. Rhodes?

Some of our guests are getting uptight about those sirens.

Oh, it's just a fire engine, nothing to lose sleep over.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Good lord. It's Jack Beddoes.

Who? The gossip columnist.

The guy who's been picking on you.

Oh, that Jack Beddoes!

I'd like to give him a piece of my mind.

Not now! Not now.

Sir, he's coming up the steps.

If he sees you in here, you're finished.

Well, he can't say anything without incriminating himself.

He'll say he followed you here.

He'd be lying.

That's what he does best.

Sir, quickly. We'd better hide.

Oh, all right.

Clayton!

Open up, Clayton!

Open the door! Come on, Clayton!

Come on. Oh, come on. Oh, no.

This is for me! Get out of here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Big Jack is back.

Oh, what's the matter, Mack? They keeping you waiting?

You ought to do what I do, buy a season ticket. [LAUGHS]

Where is everybody anyway?

Hey, bartender!

Hey, you, bartender!

You called?

Where are the girls?

Well, haven't you heard? We're out of business.

We had a big clearance sale. The bar's closed.

Just what I need, a funny bartender.

Get over here and get me a scotch.

♪♪ Short people got no reason

♪♪ Short people got no reason

♪♪ With their tiny little feet

♪♪ Grubby little... ♪♪

I wanted it neat.

That is neat. You should see my Bloody Marys.

Wait a minute. Don't I know you from someplace?

You ever been to Fantasy Island?

What? [AS TATTOO] De plane! De plane!

Oh, hi, Jackie. Oh, hi!

You have room six as usual. Oh, you like my outfit?

Yeah, but I think I liked you better as little Bo Peep.

[BLEATING LIKE SHEEP] [LAUGHS]

Oh, Benson, that was close. Let's get out of here.

I'll see if that crowd's still out there.

Come on, Clayton, get out. He's gone.

Why did you lock the door?

Well, sir, there was no sense in all of us being caught.

Well, let's hope none of us will get caught. Come on.

Forget it. The street's packed.

The fire's definitely a hit.

I'm afraid there's no way out of here, sir.

Well, there is a way, but I don't think you'll like it, sir.

Well, at this point, I'm ready to try anything. Be right back!

Where's he going, to lock the door again? Come on, Clayton!

Here, sir, try this on.

Clayton!

I told you, you wouldn't like it, sir. But you only have to wear it

from the front door to Benson's car.

It's a half a block. He can't wear that!

Benson, if you have a better idea, let's hear it.

He's right, sir. It's only a half a block.

Now wait a minute!

That's just it. We don't have a minute.

Oh, all right!

There.

You think that would fool anybody?

No, but it might frighten them.

I just can't see myself in a blond wig.

You're lucky.

Sir, there are other wigs if you'd prefer.

But what about... There are coats, too, sir.

All right. You won't regret it, sir.

What about you, Clayton? What about me?

If they recognize you,

they're bound to take a closer look at the Governor.

That's right. And there are other wigs. You said so yourself.

Oh, come on, Benson. I'm not the type.

Are you saying I am?

Well, no, sir.

Get dressed! Yes, sir.

We'll be right back, Benson.

[EFFEMINATELY] Let me know when you're decent.

For anyone interested in the weather, the coast is clear.

How do I look, Benson?

You think I can make it to the car?

Well, you can probably make it to the car,

but don't go into a bar alone.

Where's Clayton?

Coming out, but no wisecracks, you got it?

That's an implied wisecrack, Benson.

I think it's a nice outfit, Clayton.

And the mustache makes you look sort of European.

Thank you, sir.

This way, ladies.

I'm here to see Governor Gatling.

Oh, well, I'm sure you have the wrong house.

No, I'm sure that this is the correct address.

I'm Dr. Wellmont. I'm covering Dr. Philips' calls.

Hi. [HIGH-PITCHED] Hi.

Hi. Higher.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hi.

Say, you look familiar. Don't I know you?

That's a very old line, mister.

Uh, listen, why don't you ladies wait for me

in the office over there?

This way, sir.

Sir?

Yeah, well, that's short for Serenity.

Oh, interesting name.

Interesting girl.

Well, the Governor isn't here yet. I'll just wait.

Yeah.

Would you like to have a drink while you're waiting?

Well, I generally don't drink on house calls,

but then, generally I don't make house calls.

I'd love one. Good, go get the bartender.

Where is he? In room six.

GOVERNOR: [HIGH-PITCHED] Who is it?

[HIGH-PITCHED] It's me, Benson. Come on out.

Your wig! Your wig!

These things are hot. I don't know how women wear them.

Bartender! Right away.

Here. Compliments of the house. Good night.

I cannot believe what just happened.

Some bozo with a black bag barged into my room

and ordered a mai tai.

Oh, new talent.

Would you ladies care to join me in a drink?

We don't drink with strangers.

You should take up another profession.

These ladies were just leaving.

But the evening is young.

Yes, but they aren't.

You forgot your car keys. See you around.

Hey, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

Why don't you ditch your skinny friend and come back?

Why don't you walk west till your hat floats?

Hey.

Why don't you ditch your tall friend and come back?

You couldn't afford me, sweetie.

I like your spirit. What's your name?

Scooter.

Scooter, huh?

I wonder where she got that name.

Shanghai.

Oh! Oh!

All right, nobody move. This is a raid.

What are you doing here? You just ruined my stakeout.

Stakeout?

Yes, you weren't supposed to be here for another six minutes.

Let me see your I.D.

Sergeant Tomkins.

Captain Williams. Vice squad.

Perhaps you've heard of me, man of a thousand colors.

Let me see your I.D.

I never carry an I.D. when I'm working undercover.

I carry an I.D. when I'm working undercover.

That's why I'm a captain and you're a sergeant.

This is lieutenant Schmell, my underling.

Perhaps you've heard of him, man of a thousand dresses.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Hi, there. [LOW-PITCHED] I mean, hi.

What about that one?

Don't worry about him. She's with us.

Hi.

And this is Jack Beddoes, the famous newspaperman.

He's been pretending to be a regular customer here.

He fooled the entire staff.

You make one heck of a john, Jack.

I do my best.

Look, Tomkins,

the Commissioner's gonna be here in five minutes.

I know him!

And he knows me.

The Commissioner? Here?

Look, Tomkins, read my lips.

He's gonna hit the ceiling when he finds out you guys jumped the g*n.

Hey, it's not our fault. Nobody told us.

It's okay. It's okay. Don't cry. You look like a nice guy.

Why don't you just get out of here, and I'll cover for you?

Hey, is the Governor here yet? Not yet.

That's okay with me. I don't mind waiting.

You mean the Commissioner brought the Governor in on this?

Yes, I told you. They're not fooling around on this one.

The Governor?

We were never here. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, why don't you go with him and explain the whole operation?

Me? Would you rather wait and explain it to the Governor?

Oh, no. I don't want to see him. He doesn't like me.

And with good reason.

You write all those nasty things about him

in your stupid column.

How do you think I feel?

Get the lead out, Tomkins.

Yes, sir. Come on, you.

Let's go, men.

Oh, Benson, that was quick thinking.

What about me, sir? I thought of the wigs.

Let me check things out out here.

[SIGHS]

Clayton, I think we're gonna make it.

I told you I'd get you out of this, sir.

Well, I got good news, and I got bad news.

The good news is the cops are gone,

but the bad news is they're towing away my car.

So, I'm gonna get us two cabs.

Why two? Because I don't want to be seen with you guys.

Good morning, Benson. Good morning, Pete.

Have a good time over the weekend?

If you leave out Friday night.

Oh, geez, don't talk to me about Friday, it was the worst night of my life.

Guy at the grocery store fixed me up with a date.

I remember when they used to give away dishes.

Actually, she was kind of cute for a welder.

[LAUGHS]

We went back to my place and just as things started to get interesting,

the Romanian who lives downstairs set his hide-a-bed on fire again.

Again? Guy sleeps with candles.

Anyway, the fire department cleared us out of the building.

By the time they put the fire out, she was tired and wanted to go home.

So, I hailed her a cab.

Just as we were getting into the cab,

This tall, skinny lady knocks us down, and takes the cab.

Geez, you ready for the weird part?

The weird part?

The lady in the cab had a mustache.