02x18 - Homework

[bunniefuu]

My, don't you look spiffy?

Spiffy?

Governor, this isn't spiffy. This is bad.

What's wrong with it?

No, sir, "Bad" means "Good."

Oh, and you're going out to have a real bad time?

You said it.

Is this a special occasion, Benson?

No, I'm going out to have a little dinner, maybe a little dancing.

Did I ever tell you about the time I entered the dance marathon?

I'm afraid not.

Well, I lasted for hours. [CHUCKLING]

I remember they kept playing the same tune

over and over again.

I could have won if it hadn't been for my partner.

She couldn't keep up with you, huh?

No, I couldn't keep up with her.

She ran off with the saxophone player.

So, I gave up the idea of becoming a professional dancer

and went back to high school.

Well, I think you made the right decision.

Oh, thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Benson, what would you say

if I went out with you tonight?

You mean, you and the security guards?

Well, they are supposed to be with me wherever I go.

Well, sir, I don't know how much fun we'd have at the Lido Palace

with three guys hanging around looking like cops.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Benson.

Hi, Katie.

Oh, Benson, you look bad.

You're right. [CHUCKLING]

The worst I've ever seen.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

He'll never get it.

Well, Benson, what's with the suit?

I'm stepping out tonight.

Oh, I was hoping it was a job interview.

Well, I have a quiet evening at home planned.

The Sound of Music Is on.

♪♪ The hills are alive

♪♪ With the sound of music ♪♪

Oh, boy, The Sound of Music.

Can I watch it with Miss Kraus?

Not till you've finished your homework.

All I have to do is write an essay.

It shouldn't take more than minutes.

You can write a whole essay in minutes?

I know I couldn't.

Then you can't watch The Sound of Music.

It won't take long, Daddy.

All we have to do is describe each member of our family.

And since you're the only family I've got,

I'll be finished in no time.

Katie, what I want you to do is write something

about everybody who lives here in the mansion.

We're all part of the same family.

We're all related, sort of...

Benson, Marcy, Pete and Clayton, Miss Kraus.

Don't get carried away.

You're very lucky to have such a big, special family.

Oh, Daddy. Now, Katie.

All right, Daddy.

Don't play favorites.

Take care of yourself, Benson.

I may not see you for weeks.

[CHUCKLING]

Uh, I guess that'll do it for tonight.

Well, good night, Governor.

Have a wonderful time, Benson.

Listen, If you've got nothing better to do,

I'd be happy to have you come along with me.

Benson, could I take a rain check on that?

There's no way I'm gonna miss The Sound of Music

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, I'll try to have a good time anyway. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

[OFF-KEY] ♪♪ The hills are alive

♪♪ With the sound of music ♪♪

KATIE: "My Family," by Katie Gatling.

"My family is not like other families,

"because everyone who works for my father

"is part of my family.

"But none of us are related except my father and me.

"I was gonna write about my father first,

"but he told me not to play favorites.

"Clayton Endicott is my father's chief political aide.

"Clayton is...democratic.

"He treats everyone the same way."

Ah, Benson, Benson, Benson.

What a pleasant surprise.

What's your angle, Clayton?

No angle, I'm just surprised you're still here.

You're not going to the big fight?

The fight's been sold-out for weeks. Uh-huh.

What would you say if I told you

that I had two ringside tickets?

I'd say you were rubbing it in.

And what would you say if I told you those tickets are yours?

Mine? If you ask me nicely.

Here they are, Benson.

Hmm.

What happened, Clayton? They cancel the fight?

No, no, no. I just had a change of plans.

I can't use them.

This is very nice of you, Clayton.

I know.

Why do I have the feeling that you're about to invade Poland?

What's the catch? There's no catch.

There's just a... [CLEARS THROAT]

A certain somebody I want you to take with you.

Who?

Trust me, Benson.

I know this gorgeous redhead.

How gorgeous?

Ah, ah, ah. The redhead is mine.

Figures.

She's a stewardess.

Stewardess? I thought you were saving yourself for an heiress.

Oh, well, of course.

When I marry,

the girl must have the correct social background,

but for tonight, I just want to spend a few hours

with a hot little redhead.

Well, who doesn't? You've got my permission.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Benson, I'm between a rock and a hard place.

The redhead won't go out

and leave the roommate sitting at home alone.

And if I go over there, I'm stuck with both of them.

Sounds complicated. Get somebody else.

Uh, I would love to.

Unfortunately, you're the only black man I know.

What? Her thing is black guys?

Of course.

What do you mean "Of course?" Is she black?

Well, now that you mention it, I, I think she is.

You think she is?

Well, she's not actually black.

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, she's... Well, she's more...

Blackish.

Right.

So, what do you say, Benson? She's got a great personality.

Let me tell you something, Clayton.

First blind date I had had a great personality

and the face of a goalie.

No, no, no, no, no.

This woman is beautiful.

Aha. I see.

The second blind date I had had a beautiful face

and the personality of a goalie.

So, that's just about it for blind dates.

That's your final answer, is it?

Yeah, that just about does it.

All right. Fine. [CLEARS THROAT]

I'm certainly not going to beg.

Benson, please! She's leaving for Amsterdam tomorrow.

Uh...

I'm begging, aren't I?

Fine. Forget it.

Well, good night, guys. I'll see you tomorrow.

Peter, Peter, Peter.

How would you like to go to the big fight tonight?

With you? No, with a date.

Where am I gonna find a date at this hour?

Between a rock and a hard place.

What are your feelings about interracial dating?

How tall is she?

"Miss Kraus is our head housekeeper.

"She's been at the mansion longer than anyone,

"even my dad.

"Miss Kraus says she does everything by the book.

"I don't know what book that is.

"I think she wrote it herself.

"She expects everyone to follow

"all sorts of rules and regulations.

"Sometimes we break the rules, but Miss Kraus never does."

KRAUS: Oh, stop with the noise! Oh.

Okay, I give up. Where is it?

I didn't feel like making the coffee this morning.

The only thing I feel like doing is dying.

Don't let me stop you.

I wish you had stopped me last night.

Oh, my head.

I'll fix you something to make you feel better.

That was some barbecue.

You look like you were having a good time.

You must have danced with every member

of the cattlemen's association.

Yeah, I still got pointy boot marks all over my shins.

All I did was go in to check

undsee if the dessert was being served,

undthe next thing I know,

I'm doing an allemande left with some cowpuncher.

You should have begged off.

You try begging off when somebody grabs you

undyells, "Yippee ty aye ay."

Come on, Kraus. You had a ball.

Well, that one hombre was pretty cute.

You mean the one in the snakeskin suit?

Ohh.

My head is k*lling me undit is all your fault.

My fault?

Ja,I thought you were my friend.

I've never given you any reason to think that.

Well, you could have told me somebody spiked the punch.

I tried to. You yodeled at me.

I don't remember anything

after trying to ride that mechanical bull.

You don't remember anything?

No.

Anything?

Why do you keep saying "Anything"

as if it were something?

Come on now, Kraus.

Don't get yourself all worked up. You were fine.

You made sure dessert and coffee were served,

and you cleared the tables.

And then...

Well, come on. Let's hear it.

Well, uh, you wouldn't let the maids do the dishes.

You insisted on doing them yourself.

I did? Yeah.

In the swimming pool.

I did the dishes in my bathing suit?

No.

I went into the pool with all my clothes on?

Were your clothes damp this morning?

No.

There's your answer.

Oh, my word.

Well, did everybody...

See me?

They applauded.

Oh, I am ruined.

Finished. Kaput! [CRYING]

Good morning, Miss Kraus.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Coffee ready yet?

No, sir, not yet. Sorry.

I'll come back later.

Oh, by the way, Miss Kraus,

you missed the best part of the party last night.

You never should have gone to bed

after they turned off the mechanical bull.

Benson!

Hang in there, buckaroo.

KATIE: "Pete Downey is my father's press representative.

"He has two main jobs.

"One is to get my father's name in the newspaper,

"The other is to keep my father's name out of the newspaper.

"I think he's better at keeping it out than he is at getting it in.

"Pete is getting divorced.

"But I think he still likes Janine.

"'Cause he's always talking about her."

Arnold, you're my lawyer. Do something.

I don't know. I thought covering Janine's medical expenses

meant a bottle of iodine and some band-aids.

I didn't know it included cosmetic surgery.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Look, look, if her old nose was good enough for me,

it's good enough for a shoe salesman.

No, no, no. I'm not being unreasonable.

This isn't like fixing a dented fender.

Janine needs major bodywork.

Her nose is just the tip of the iceberg.

Well, you just tell her you couldn't reach me.

So, it's a lie. You're a lawyer, aren't you?

I'm sorry, sir.

That's all right.

Benson, I asked you to come in here

because Pete has an idea he wants us to hear.

Right. Okay. And you're gonna love it.

Now, who were the great builders of this state?

People.

You looked that up?

People built this state. Okay, but what kind of people?

Dead people?

People of every nationality, that's who.

You had Chinese, Africans, Hispanics, Vikings, Poles.

Do you know how many it took to build this state?

Pete, you know I don't approve of those ethnic jokes.

Oh, you mean people... People.

Now, what I'm proposing is a celebration

honoring the varied backgrounds

of the founders of our state.

It would reinforce your standing with the ethnic groups, sir.

Might even bring in the Viking vote.

What kind of celebration?

A pageant.

We'll re-create the most famous event in our state's history.

Ah, that would be ,

when almost all of our vegetation was eaten by locusts.

No, no, sir. I was thinking of Johnny Appleseed,

who came through here and changed the face of our state forever.

Is he the one that built all them Taco Towers?

Come on, Benson.

I'm talking about a pageant on the front lawn

honoring the life and times of Johnny Appleseed.

What do you think, sir?

One, Pete. One, sir?

Yeah, on a scale of one to ten, it's a one.

I see. I see. You mean you have certain reservations about the idea.

Fine. What about you, Benson?

Well, I don't have any reservations at all.

I hate it.

Eh, I was never crazy about the idea myself.

They tried something like this in New Jersey,

and nobody came.

Well, I'm glad we're in agreement.

Uh, Benson, when they deliver the apple trees,

don't sign for them.

[KNOCKING]

Hi, Miss Kraus. It is getting late.

How is the homework coming?

I'm only halfway through my family.

I still have to do Marcy and Daddy.

Well, I'm sure Marcy won't mind if you make her short.

And Benson.

You can leave him out.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

"Marcy is my father's secretary.

"She used to be Marcy Hill, but she got married,

"and now her name is Marcy Hill-Slater,

"like Chris Evert-Lloyd.

"I think it sounds neat.

"She married a man with two children,

"so now she's a working mother.

"That would probably be too much for some people,

"but not Marcy."

I know it itches, Tommy,

but scratching it will just make it worse.

Hold on.

The man from the furniture rental is here, Marcy.

I need the guest list for the garden party.

I'll have it for you in a second.

What, Tommy?

Oh, I know. Now, look, just try to get some rest,

and I'm sure you'll feel better by dinnertime.

I love you, too. Goodbye, sweetheart.

Tommy's sick?

Poison ivy. We camped out this weekend.

Why? Dan miss a house payment?

[TELEPHONE BUZZING]

Camping is a great family activity.

Yes, Governor?

That file's on your desk, sir. Okay.

Now, where was I?

Typing or camping. Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Anyway, we had a great time except for Tommy's poison ivy.

Oh, yeah? Have you ever camped out, Benson?

Yeah, once. Really? Where?

Korea. Didn't like it.

[TELEPHONE BUZZING]

Should have gone to a national park.

Tried to, but they wouldn't move the w*r.

Yes, sir? Right away, sir.

You know, living outdoors is a wonderful experience,

and Dan's teaching the kids

how to survive in the wilderness.

Why? You planning to ditch 'em?

I'll take that, Marcy. We're expecting a call from the vice president's office.

Put it right through.

[TELEPHONE BUZZING]

Yes, sir? Yes, sir.

You know, being a working mother, I realize

that the time I spend with my family has to be used to the fullest.

[TELEPHONE RINGING] Oh, Benson, could you get that?

Governor's office.

Sure. Hold on a minute.

It's for you.

You know, at first, the idea of juggling

a career and a family really scared me,

but now that I've got the hang of it, it's a breeze.

Marcy, have you got that file? Who is that on hold?

Have you got the vice president's office on hold?

You've got the Vice President of the United States on hold?

Relax, Clayton. It's Mrs. Gummersil.

That's Sally's teacher.

Well, keep the personal calls short.

Hello. Is Sally all right?

Oh, good.

Oh. I see.

Yes, I understand, but I think I can explain.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Could you hold one second, please? Thank you.

Governor's office. Oh, hi, Mrs. Grant.

Marcy, the guest list. Two seconds.

How's Tommy feeling?

Ooh-hoo.

Uh, uh, yes, I do know how hard it is

to find a reliable housekeeper,

and you are one of a kind.

Oh, Mrs. Grant, I'm sure he didn't mean what he said.

It was just the poison ivy talking.

Yeah, put him on. Thanks.

Sorry, Benson.

It's okay. I want to hear what the poison ivy said.

Tommy, I want you to tell Mrs. Grant

you're sorry for what you said.

Of course you are.

You are too sorry! Can you wait a minute?

I've got someone else on hold. Okay.

[TELEPHONE BUZZING]

I'll come back for the guest list.

No, no, no. I'm almost done.

Yes, sir? Certainly.

Hello, Mrs. Gummersil, are you still there?

Oh, good. Okay.

No, no, I don't think Sally needs psychological testing.

Yes, I did see her homework assignment.

She's not depressed.

It's just that we went camping this weekend,

and the only crayon that didn't break

in her knapsack was the black one.

I thought that would explain it. Okay, bye-bye.

Tommy's still on hold. Oh, thanks.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Governor's office. Could you hold, please?

Marcy! Thank you.

Now, sweetheart, I know how you feel,

but please try to be a good boy.

And I promise when I get home,

I'll rub you all over with baby lotion.

I'll put you right through, Mr. Vice President.

KATIE: "And now I come to my father.

"He's the Governor of this whole state,

"and that's a very important job.

"And I'm very proud of him.

"He has to make a lot of big decisions.

"Honestly, I don't know how he does it."

[KNOCKING AT DOOR] Come in.

You wanted to see me, Governor?

Uh, yes, Benson, sit right here for just a minute, would you?

Why does he do this sort of thing to me?

Good morning, Governor. How are you today?

Oh, I'm fine. How are you?

Just isn't gonna work.

Sir, may I ask what you're doing here?

I work here. This is my office.

No, I mean this chair business.

Oh, that. Benson, let me ask you something.

You notice this window?

Yes, it's been there since I can remember.

Well, when my chair's on this side of the desk,

my back is to the window.

I can't look out at the garden

unless I swing my chair around.

Then there isn't any place to write.

So, I thought if I moved the chair around

on this side of the desk,

I could look out while I work.

Well, I'll call maintenance

and get them to rearrange your furniture.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't know if I should tamper

with the natural order of things.

Look at Hawaii.

Can you see it from this window?

You know what I mean. Hawaii used to be an island.

Now it's all cities and high-rises and tourists.

Yes, sir, but it's still an island.

Oh, well, technically I suppose, but it's all different.

Look at the grand canyon.

I hope this is not gonna count as my vacation.

No, they left the Grand Canyon as they found it.

Well, with all due respect, sir,

what in Sam Hill could they do with it?

It's just a hole in the ground.

They could have filled it up and built condominiums,

which would be a shame because it's a breathtaking sight.

Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?

No, sir, I'm always on the wrong side of the plane.

Oh, so, you've seen the painted desert?

Yes, sir.

Sir, the furniture.

Oh, yeah. I just don't know

whether to leave it the way it was

or move it to this side.

Why don't you flip a coin?

That's a good idea, Benson. Do you have a coin?

Yes, sir.

Heads. Tails. Heads.

Which is it, sir?

[TELEPHONE RINGING] Don't go away, Benson.

Heads I stay. Tails I leave.

Oh, damn.

Just a minute. Let me write this down.

Would you just leave the coin, please, Benson?

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute. Yeah. All right.

GOVERNOR: Right.

KATIE: "Daddy will know I haven't played favorites

"when he sees I've put Benson last."

"Benson is head of household affairs,

"but he really does more than just manage the mansion.

"What's special about Benson is...

"Well, he's Benson."

You're coming yourself? Be still, my heart!

KATIE: "Benson has an awful lot of duties,

"but no load is too heavy to carry.

"And somehow he always finds time

"for Daddy's high level meetings.

"Benson says being informed

"helps him keep on top of situations.

"And that way, things never get out of hand.

"And no matter what comes up, Benson is always there.

"I think the thing he does best is organizing things.

"When Benson's around, everything runs like clockwork.

"Not that his life is all work.

"He really knows how to enjoy himself.

"And he really looks great when he's all dressed up.

"But the thing that really makes Benson special

"is that he's my friend."

The end.

You're home early.

Yeah. What are you doing, checking up on me?

Uh-huh. Good night, Benson.

Good night, sugar.

Good afternoon, Benson.

Ah, good afternoon, Governor.

It's the first time I've seen you all day.

Yeah, it's the first time I've seen you all day, too.

Small world, isn't it?

How was your night on the town?

Uh, it was okay. How was The Sound of Music?

Oh, I fell asleep on the sofa

while Julie Andrews was still a nun.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hi, everybody. I'm home.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi.

Did the teacher like your essay?

I got a B-plus.

Way to go, Katie.

Sharon Brett got an A.

I think she cheated.

She stayed up and watched The Sound of Music.

And then wrote about that family.

Maybe you should read Sharon Brett's essay.

Why would I do that?

Well, at least, then you'd know how The Sound of Musiccame out.