02x10 - The Apartment

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLICKS TONGUE] I knew it. You are doing it again.

You are always hogging the newspaper.

When are you going to finish with it?

Is that a new aftershave lotion you're wearing?

What are you doing reading the classifieds section?

I hope you are checking the job openings.

No, lost and found.

And day now, the zookeeper is gonna discover you're missing.

Good morning. BOTH: Good morning.

Oh, any luck with the apartment, Benson?

Not yet, Marcy, but there's some interesting ads in today's paper.

Well, Benson, if I had known you were looking for an apartment,

I would have brought some out-of-town newspapers.

He's not moving, Gretchen.

He just wants a place to use on his days off,

kind of a weekend getaway.

Get away? From what?

Does tall, blonde, and nosy ring a bell?

Come on, Benson. What's the real reason you want an apartment?

I don't want an apartment, I need an apartment!

Well, all right then, why do you need an apartment?

Because I need to get out of here once in a while and have a life of my own.

You have days off. I don't disturb you on weekends.

Kraus, somebody is always coming to my door.

"The mail's not here." "Check with Benson."

"The chauffeur's drunk." "Check with Benson."

"The airport's fogged in." "Check with Benson."

Marcy, where is the staff list for this afternoon's luncheon?

Check with Benson.

You've got the list.

Uh, do you think you could tear yourself away

from Dear Abbylong enough to give it to me?

Clayton, believe me, I'd love to give it to you.

Benson isn't reading Abby.

He's looking for an apartment.

He wants his own little bunny hutch.

Looking in the classified section?

You won't find anything there.

Well, where would you look for an apartment?

The obituaries. The obituaries?

Yes, I find them invaluable when I'm looking for things

like rare books, antiques, apartments.

Somewhere at this very moment,

a withered old lady with a simply fabulous duplex

is about to croak.

Good morning. ALL: Morning.

Ah, Peter, you brought a change of clothes.

Having spaghetti for lunch?

Why is he like that?

'Cause nobody's died lately with anything he wants.

You got a date tonight, Pete? Yeah, sort of.

"Sort of" means he's gonna dress up and stand on the street corner

and wait for somebody to come up and talk to him.

Come on, Benson. Where are you taking her?

How do you know it's a her?

Well, she's trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.

We're gonna go to Smitty's. Smitty's?

Only the most expensive restaurant in town.

Yeah, well, Janine's paying.

Janine? Your ex-wife is taking you to dinner?

What's the big deal? It's his money.

I didn't know you two were still even talking.

Yeah, well, it's kind of an anniversary.

Oh, yeah? What kind? You know, it's no...

Oh, come on. Tell us.

Well, we'd been married about a year,

and not much was happening.

You know what I mean? Mmm-hmm.

So, I took her to Smitty's,

and something about the place put her into a romantic mood.

I think it was the prices.

So, naturally, I just kept taking her back there,

and every time... Bingo!

Bingo?

You call a romantic evening with your wife "bingo?"

Yeah. What would you call it?

If it were with you, I'd call it off.

They're restoring the building and it's in a great neighborhood.

Sounds too good to be true. What's the catch?

The guy won't let me have the apartment unless I buy his furniture.

Oh, what style is it?

Well, I don't know that you can call it a style. It's more like, uh...

Early Halloween. [LAUGHS]

You're gonna buy it, anyway?

Well, I made him an offer. He's gonna get back to me.

Did you pull those folders for me? I'm doing it now.

Benson, congratulations.

Miss Kraus just told me about your new bachelor pad.

Well, thank you very much, sugar, but it's not mine yet.

And it's not a bachelor pad, Katie. It's just an apartment.

Oh, I was hoping it was a bachelor pad.

If you're gonna fix it up, you can have my John Travolta poster.

Don't tell me you and John are through.

I didn't plan it that way, Benson.

It's just that Bruce came along. Bruce?

Bruce Springsteen. Get with it.

Do you want the poster?

Well, maybe you better hang on to John

until you see how things work out with Bruce.

You're probably right, Benson.

I hope I outgrow this fickle stage soon.

When I was her age, I couldn't decide between Fabian and Frankie Avalon.

You couldn't decide which one you liked better?

No, I couldn't tell them apart.

Oh, Benson! I just heard from a reliable source

that you found an apartment.

Would that reliable source be the German Rona Barrett?

Have you signed anything yet? No.

Good. I've got a better deal for you.

How would like to move into my place?

Will you promise to take me to dinner at Smitty's?

I'm not asking you to live with me.

I was hoping you'd pick up the lease.

I'm gonna move back in with Janine.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I think.

I mean, based on everything you've said, Pete,

I thought you hated her.

Janine? Are you kidding? I never hated Janine.

I may have hated some of the things she said. And did.

I hated her shoes.

Pete. Oh, come on, Marcy.

The only reason she wore wedges was to be taller than me.

But that's all in the past.

What do you say, Benson?

Ah, Peter, just the person I'm looking for.

Did you write this speech? Does it have my name on it?

Yes, and part of your sandwich.

The governor has to deliver this speech on Monday.

What's wrong with it? It's trash.

Oh, don't hold back.

If you don't like it, just say so.

I want a shorter version on my desk by tomorrow morning.

I can give you a shorter version right now.

The man simply cannot take constructive criticism.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello? Oh, yeah, one minute.

It's for you. Oh, thank you.

Hello? Yes. Terrific!

Right. Bye.

[LAUGHING] I got the apartment.

Congratulations. When do you move in?

This weekend. Oh, that's great.

Yep, a place of my own.

Oh, Benson, you're just gonna love it.

You bet. Peace and quiet and privacy.

[MAN ON TV] Well, we're about ready for the opening tip-off.

Marv, what would you say would be the major factor in tonight's basketball game?

MAN : Chuck, I can answer that in one word, fast break.

That's two words.

MAN : Well, the teams are taking he court,

so it looks like we're about to begin.

All right. [BUZZER RINGS]

[SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

It is you. I thought that was you moving in.

It was me.

Bronson, right? Benson.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, right.

What a coincidence, you ending up here.

I'm your next-door neighbor.

Hmm. Small world.

You don't remember me, do you?

What, are you kidding me? Of course I remember you.

You're my next-door neighbor.

I'm Rhonda, Rhonda Page.

We met at the Johnson's party.

Did you cut your hair? No.

I didn't think so. Come on in.

Listen, can I get you something? I don't have much to offer.

How about a beer? Great.

Okay. You'll have to take it with a paper cup.

I don't have any glasses.

I see you got all your furniture moved in.

Let's get one thing straight.

This is not my furniture.

[LAUGHS] Good. [CHUCKLING]

Well, it's tacky, but it works.

Why don't you have a seat?

Oh, you're watching the game.

Yeah, actually, I was. I love basketball.

Yeah, I've been looking forward to this game all week.

You know, I'm surprised you didn't remember me.

You know, now I remember why I didn't remember you.

You remember when I used to call you and you told me to forget it?

I did.

Well, you called me at a bad time.

was a bad time?

I was engaged. Oh.

So, now you're, uh...

Living next door.

Alone? Oh, no. I have a roommate.

Mmm. Her name's Denise.

Oh!

So what happened to your fiance?

He got married. [BUZZER RINGS]

He doesn't live in this building, does he?

Who is it? GOVERNOR: Me, Benson.

Surprise!

It certainly is. Come on in.

Yeah, I haven't seen you since yesterday.

How have you been? Oh, fine. You?

Good. This is for your housewarming.

You better put it in the freezer before it melts.

Hope you like pistachio. [CHUCKLING]

Thank you, sir. This is Rhonda Page.

Oh, hi. Good to know you.

I'm Gene Gatling.

Well, it looks like we're the first people here, huh?

Do I know you from somewhere?

It could be. Where'd you go to high school?

Thank you for the ice cream, Governor.

You're the governor!

I know.

Please, sit down.

Oh, Benson, you didn't tell me you knew the governor.

Oh, well, don't hold that against me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

So, where is everybody?

What everybody?

Uh... Everybody.

Different places, I guess.

Well, I mean, the party's here. What party?

Oh, Benson, I'm afraid I blew it.

Listen, just forget I was ever here.

[BUZZER RINGS]

Too late. They're here already.

Listen... Let's everybody hide.

Surprise, Benson. Wrong.

Oh. Well, isn't this nice.

Governor, I'm sorry we're late.

We had trouble finding the building.

Oh, we? There are more of you?

Here. I made food.

Oh, Kraus, you shouldn't have.

They forced me.

Clayton? They forced me.

They shouldn't have.

Everybody, I'd like you to meet Rhonda Page.

Rhonda, these are some of the people that I work with.

This is Clayton, Marcy, Gretchen.

Everybody introduce yourselves.

Hi. I'm Marcy Hill.

Rhonda Page. I live next door. Oh.

Isn't that amazing?

He's here one day and already he has neighbors.

I mean, everybody has neighbors.

It was just that I was...

Uh, Governor, please don't explain it, please.

I'm Gretchen Kraus.

I'm Benson's neighbor during the week.

Now you know why I need a weekend retreat.

Are we interrupting anything?

No, no, no. Just a reunion and a basketball game.

Oh, you two play ball together?

Oh, well, why don't I just open the wine?

Where do you keep your glasses?

If I knew I was having a party,

I would have bought some.

You don't have any glasses?

Oh, just leave it in the bag, Marcy.

We'll pass it around.

There are some paper cups in the kitchen. Thank you.

Ooh, paper cups. All the comforts of home.

You have a lovely view, Benson.

I can see my car from here.

Look, Benson, I didn't know you were having company.

Neither did I. I'll check you later.

No, no, no, no. Stick around. Join the party.

I'm going to.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind our dropping in like this.

Oh, no, why would I mind?

It feels like I never left the mansion.

Benson? Thank you.

Governor. Oh, thank you, Marcy.

Clayton, here's yours with your initials on it. Ah!

Well, we all have our wine.

Oh, yes, we're having some fun now.

I'll say.

Well, I would like to propose a toast.

That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.

I had in mind a more traditional toast, Miss Kraus.

To Benson and his new home away from home.

Not that I'd consider the governor's mansion Benson's home.

It isn't even my home. I'm just using it till the end of my term.

Then I'll go home.

Sir. Sir, the wine is beginning to soak through the bottom of my cup.

The governor believes in drinking no wine... [GASPS]

Before it's time.

To Benson's new apartment.

ALL: Cheers. Hear, hear.

Well, anybody like basketball?

We don't have enough people.

Did I ever tell you about the time I started at center for my high-school team?

Uh, excuse me, sir. I believe my watch has stopped.

Does anyone have the time?

Oh, my goodness, will you look at that?

: already.

Well, I hate to tear myself away.

Oh, must you go so soon?

But I'm working tomorrow. [CHUCKLES] Sunday.

But I don't mind, sir. I don't mind either, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson. It's been a unique experience.

It's the first time I've ever tasted a New Jersey Chablis.

Well, I guess I should be going, too.

Maybe we all should be going.

What have we got here, a bunch of party poops?

The evening's still young.

Sorry. Why didn't you tell me you were having company?

Why didn't you tell me I was having a party?

It was a surprise. So was my company.

Well, have a nice weekend. I'm trying to.

Bye, everyone. Goodbye, Benson.

Goodbye, Kraus. Thanks for the food.

Don't forget to bring back the crockpot on Monday.

Oh, Benson, you know, you really have

a terrific apartment. Thank you, sir.

This reminds me a little of a place my Uncle Al used to have.

Uh, Governor, couldn't this story wait till next week?

[CHUCKLES] Gotcha.

Good night. Good night, sir.

You know, Benson, you really are a terrific host.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

I'm sorry about all that. I didn't know they were gonna drop by.

Where did you meet the governor?

Well, I work for him.

How's the game? Oh, you're more interesting than I remember.

Well, that's 'cause the guy you remember was named Bronson.

So? You didn't remember me at all.

Oh, temporary insanity. Want to watch the game?

I won't let you forget me again.

Ah, to .

This game's a rout anyway.

So, what have you been doing lately? [BUZZER RINGS]

[SIGHS] I thought we were gonna be alone.

Well, don't worry. It's probably a wrong door.

Well, while you're getting rid of them, I'll go freshen up.

Okay, it's through there. That's all right. I'll find it.

The party's over, Benson. I know that, Pete.

What are you doing here?

I don't wanna talk about it. It's too painful.

I don't wanna talk about it, either. Thanks for dropping by.

I don't want to burden you with my problems.

I just need a place to stay. [GASPS]

What do you mean you need a place to stay?

Janine threw me out, Benson. I've got no place else to go.

Sure you do. You can use my room at the mansion.

Oh, I can't.

The mansion's so big and lonely.

I got to be with people.

Well, Pete, you must know somebody else.

Janine got custody of our friends.

You know, it's funny. You never realize how alone you are until you're alone.

All right, you can sleep for one night on the couch.

The couch? Out!

No. The couch. The couch is fine.

Oh, hey. We're not alone.

We sure aren't. Neither are we, Rhonda.

This is Pete Downey. Meet Rhonda Page.

Nice to meet you. I live next door.

It's nice to meet you. My wife threw me out.

Benson offered to put me up. Isn't he a sweetheart?

Your secret's out, Benson.

I'm not gonna get in the way.

I'll just put my things in the bedroom.

I've got a lot of heavy thinking to do,

and I don't like people to see me cry.

Maybe I should leave. I think your friend needs you.

No, no, no, no. Stay.

Well, I live in the building. You live in the building. There's plenty of time.

As my friend Shakespeare used to say,

"There is a tide in the affairs of men,

"which, taken at the flood, leads on to greatness."

Sweetheart, this is our flood.

[CHUCKLING] Well, if you put it that way,

how about some more wine?

Two more wines coming up.

Oh, you better make that three, Benson.

Is yours to go?

I found out one thing in the bedroom.

I need people.

[SCOFFS] But that's enough about me.

Let's talk about you two. Now, how did you guys meet?

We're still trying to.

You mean, you met for the first time tonight?

We met at a party. When?

New Year's. Christmas.

I'm sure it was Christmas.

Well, you must have left early 'cause I stayed till New Year's.

That must have been some party.

Yeah, Rhonda spent most of the evening

dancing with some guy, but I had a good time anyway.

We couldn't drag Benson away from the piano.

He sang all evening.

Yeah, we lit a fire, sang Christmas carols,

but then the room backed up with smoke 'cause they broke the flue.

Oh, then, remember some dummy

tried to put out the fire with eggnog.

[CACKLING]

Yeah, that was me.

Benson, let me ask you something honestly.

Am I a slovenly, ignorant pig

with no justifiable reason for living?

Is that a two-part question?

That's what Janine thinks of me.

Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it.

This whole ordeal has given me an appetite.

You got anything to eat?

Yeah, fix yourself something in the kitchen,

but eat it in the bedroom.

Look, maybe we should go over to your place.

That way Pete can be alone

and have a chance to think things out.

Sorry, my roommate's trying to finish some work

she brought home from the office.

Maybe we can get Pete to help her with it.

[CHUCKLING] Don't I wish.

Found something to nibble.

You know, it's nice of you to let Pete stay here. [DOOR CLOSING]

I had a hunch you were a terrific guy.

If you got anymore hunches, feel free to play them.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sorry to bother you again.

You... You're not gonna watch TV, right?

Not now.

There's nothing to do in the bedroom.

It's boring in there.

Listen to me. I sound like Janine.

I'll keep the sound low.

You're not expecting anybody else, are you?

I don't know anybody else.

So, tell me, Benson, why did you move out of the governor's mansion?

It must be nice there.

Well, I didn't move out altogether.

This place is a sort of weekend retreat.

I was hoping I'd find some time for myself.

You know, maybe an attractive neighbor would stop by,

and we'd get to know each other.

PETE: Oh, my god!

It just didn't turn out that way.

Benson, they're stealing my car!

This isn't happening.

There they go. They're stealing my car.

I don't believe this!

I don't either. Who would want to steal my car?

Wait, wait. It stalled. Way to go.

It's a trained car.

PETE: Hey, they got it started.

How did they get it started?

I can never get it started once it stalls.

I'll call the police.

My wife kicks me out,

then somebody comes along and steals my car.

My car! It's a ' Rambler.

Nobody would steal that wreck if it belonged to somebody else.

But no, get Pete Downey's car.

Somebody up there hates me.

They're not all up there, Pete.

The police put me on hold!

Sure, they knew you were calling for me.

Pete, why don't you go in the bedroom and try to collect yourself?

We'll take care of things out here.

What's your license number?

Six something. It fell off.

Hello, police? Yes. Just a minute. Let me talk to them.

Hello, Sergeant? Maybe I should split.

Oh, wait just a minute. Hold on, Sergeant.

Uh, how about dinner tomorrow?

Sure. Terrific.

Hello, Sergeant?

Hello? Oh, great, now they got me on hold.

[CRASHING] Pete?

All I did was plug it in.

I think you need a new picture tube.

[DOOR OPENING] [PETE SIGHS]

Oh, what are you doing up so early?

It's Sunday. Why didn't you sleep late?

Normally, I would be doing just that,

but I woke up this morning to find you in my bed.

What were you doing in my bed?

You were supposed to sleep on the couch.

I can't sleep on a strange couch.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have crumbled cookies on it

to make you feel more at home.

Hmm, that reminds me, do you have an extra toothbrush?

Yeah, an electric one. Use it in the tub.

And those are my pajamas! What are you doing in my pajamas?

Are you always this testy in the morning?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You come over here, and you invade my privacy.

You drive away my neighbor.

You put on my pajamas and get into my bed with me!

Pete, you're beginning to try my patience.

You'll feel a lot better after you've had some breakfast.

Oh, do you know how to make French toast?

You talking to me? [BUZZER RINGS]

Benson, would you get that? I'm in my pajamas.

They're my pajamas!

Mr. Hospitality.

I hope it's my landlord telling me my lease is up.

Morning, Benson. Marcy!

So, how does it feel to be living the solitary life

away from your fellow man?

I have yet to know.

Benson, you're all out of dental floss.

Oh, hiya, Marcy. Pete, what are you doing here?

Oh, don't ask.

Why not? 'Cause he'll tell you.

What are you doing here? That's a good question.

Well, I brought you over some glasses

before you had to wash out your paper cups.

Well, Marcy, you shouldn't have.

Well, they're nothing special. My Aunt Helen gave them to me.

Well, still, it was very nice of you.

No, it wasn't. Wait till you see them.

Oh, your Aunt Helen's big on grape jelly, eh?

[BUZZER RINGS] You expecting someone?

Every moment of my life.

Well, I'll just put these away, then I'll leave you alone.

Alone? I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Good morning, Benson.

Clayton? Marcy?

Clayton, what are you doing here?

I called him last night after you went to bed.

Yes, it seems Peter walked off with the only copy

of the governor's speech for tomorrow.

What did you do with it, Peter? Wrap your lunch in it?

Listen, if this is government business,

why don't you take care of it on government property?

Oh, it's easier than both of us going to the mansion.

Besides, my car was stolen, remember?

Like it was yesterday.

No, no, no. This will never do.

It's back to square one.

Benson, would you get us some coffee?

You talking to me?

Marcy, here's a pad. Take some notes.

You talking to me?

By George, I think she's got it.

Clayton, I would like to remind you that today is Sunday,

and I do not go into the office on Sunday.

And I would like to remind you that this is not the office.

[BUZZER RINGS] Now, who could that be?

It's probably Kraus. It's lonely at the mansion.

Come in, mystery guest, and sign in, please.

Hello, Benson.

Oh, hello, Rhonda. I wasn't expecting you.

You're not on the state payroll.

Oh, I thought this would be a better time to say hello, but I guess not.

Oh, no, don't go. They won't be here that long.

We will if I don't get some cooperation.

All right, you got minutes, Clayton,

but I expect an overtime payment in my check.

And rent payment in mine.

I think I'll come back later.

No, no, no, I got a better idea.

Why don't I come back later? What?

Why don't we go somewhere where we can be alone?

[CHUCKLES] Like where?

You ever been to the governor's mansion?

Turn off the lights, lock the door,

and if you break anything, you bought it.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Morning, Benson. Good morning, sugar.

How was your first weekend at your new apartment?

Did you miss me? You were the only one I could miss.

How was your weekend?

Daddy and I went to the zoo.

I didn't have to go to the zoo. The zoo came to me.

Morning, Benson. Good morning, Pete. Are you lost?

This isn't my apartment.

Benson, you're not gonna believe it. I got a great new place.

Huh, that's a relief. How'd you get one so fast?

Clayton found it in the obituaries. Hmm.

Oh, and that's not all. The police my car.

And whoever stole it, fixed the carburetor.

It turned into a great weekend.

Yeah, we must do it again sometime.

Thanks for putting me up, Benson. Eh!

Here, this is for you.

Oh, Pete, you shouldn't have.

My pajamas! That's okay.

Sorry, I didn't have time to wash them.