02x06 - Citizen Kraus

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Benson. Good morning.

Hard at work, I see.

Ah, just as I thought, the sports page.

Why don't you read something that will improve your mind, like the horoscopes.

I don't believe in that stuff.

Ah, you must be Taurus the bull.

You must be Kraus the crab.

Gretchen, this telegram just arrived for you.

Thank you, Marcy.

Aren't you gonna open it? Later.

I don't have time to sit around reading like some people.

Is she referring to me?

How can you not open a telegram?

Where is it from?

I don't know. I didn't open it.

Bavaria.

You peeked.

Well, if they don't want you peek,

they shouldn't put those little cellophane windows on front of the envelope.

Busy day, Marcy.

Attorney General Prine just called.

He's had to resign for reasons of health.

Reasons of health? It says here he's been indicted.

Yes, and he's sick about it.

It's no skin off your nose, sir.

You didn't appoint Prine, so how can you look bad?

Pete, any time a public servant betrays his trust,

it makes us all look bad.

Though that is a very attractive picture of Mr. Prine.

He always was a snappy dresser.

Yeah, that's a smart-looking hat

he's holding in front of his face.

I don't want you worrying about this, sir.

I'll put out a release saying that,

"Although the governor worked closely

"with the Attorney General for two years,

"he never really liked him."

Well, Clayton, we'd better snap to it.

We've got to get up a list of possible replacements.

Yes, sir.

Marcy, we're liable to be burning the midnight oil on this one,

so if you have any plans, flush them.

KRAUS: Hot damn!

I have great news.

Well, what is it, Gretchen?

My Aunt Hilda died.

I'm very sorry to hear that, Kraus.

How much longer do you expect to be in mourning?

Aunt Hilda was very old und had been ill for many years.

May she rest in peace.

The surprising thing is she has mentioned me in her will.

I don't know why. She hardly knew me.

Maybe that's why.

I am an heiress, Marcy.

Well, that's wonderful, Gretchen.

What did she leave you in the will?

I don't know. It says a letter will follow.

Also, I must go to Bavaria to sign the papers.

Well, hot damn!

How long do you expect to be over there?

I don't know. A week, maybe.

Oh, Bavaria must be just beautiful this time of year.

Ja,it is the hunting season.

Do they wear those cute little lederhosen

and go hunting for wild turkey?

There are no turkeys in Bavaria.

But there's one on the way.

Give a cheer. Frankie's here.

Frankie, what do you want?

I brought a letter over for Miss Kraus,

and I thought, since I was here, I'd...

You'd pitch a few jokes to the governor.

Frankie, sit down. But, Benson...

Sit, sit, sit, sit!

Frankie, let me tell you something.

I like you.

Now, that may come as a surprise to you.

I know it does to me.

You're a good messenger and a nice kid.

I like everything about you except your jokes.

But they're funny. They're not funny, Frankie.

The governor is not going to hire you.

He does not need jokes in his speeches.

His speeches are jokes.

But, Benson, I have a dream.

Then wake up.

It's no crime not to be funny.

Lots of very important people aren't funny.

But, Benson... Frankie!

Don't bother to get up. I can throw myself out.

Hi, Frankie.

You want to hear a joke?

Not if it's one of yours.

Marcy, the letter arrived.

About the inheritance?

Ja,it's wonderful, better than my wildest dream.

Well, it really must be something,

'cause her wildest dream is about a boatload of Vikings.

I want to share this with you.

Read it undweep.

Aunt Hilda has left me her Gasthausin the Bavarian Alps.

It's a little inn with a restaurant downstairs.

Undover the front door there is this huge clock.

Cuckoo?

Ja, undit is...

Out in the front, there is a wishing well.

The townspeople drop in a pfennig undwish for power.

At the end of the day, you have to shovel it out.

Oh, Gretchen, it sounds so romantic.

When do you have to be there for the reading of the will?

Is immediately too soon to hope for?

I don't know.

I stopped reading when I got to the part about the wishing well.

Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this, Kraus.

"In order to inherit said property,

"the beneficiary must remain on the premises as resident owner."

I think they're asking you to move to Germany.

What? Well, I won't do it.

Wait a minute.

"Otherwise, said property passes to alternate heir,

"Heidi Kraus."

In that case, I'll think about it.

Who's Heidi?

My cousin.

Undwould she love to get her big mitts on that property.

Oh, Gretchen, you just can't move to Germany.

All your friends are here.

Benson, tell her she can't go.

Benson.

I'm trying to, Marcy. It just won't come out.

That's all right, Marcy.

Perhaps I should go.

I am in the August of my life.

Soon will come September,

undit will be time to gather up the nuts for winter.

You know what I'm saying?

Do you?

I'm talking about security in my old age.

I must think this through.

Benson, do you think she'll go?

Not when she realizes how happy it would make me.

Hey, Kraus. What are you doing up?

[SIGHS] I've been trying to make up my mind,

undI finally decided I cannot go back to Germany.

Well, wait a minute, now, Kraus.

You don't want to make a decision

that I'm gonna regret the rest of my life.

Hard cheese, Benson.

I'm going with my gut feeling.

Undin my gut, I am an American.

Believe me, Kraus, you're an alien.

I know. I saw the movie.

Oh, Miss Kraus, didn't I just hear Benson talking?

Ja,but he didn't say anything, as usual.

He went to bed.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was looking forward to talking to someone.

I've just been tossing and turning,

trying to make up my mind

who to pick for the Attorney General.

I just can't get to sleep.

I have the same problem.

Oh, well, thanks, Miss Kraus,

but picking a new attorney general is really my job.

Besides, you have enough to do.

Um, Governor,

I would like to speak to you about becoming a citizen.

Well, I already am a citizen, Miss Kraus.

You can't be governor unless you're a citizen.

Well, that is what I want to be.

Well, fine, but you will have to become a citizen first.

That is what I am trying to tell you, sir.

I would like to become a citizen of the United States.

Good. I think you've made an excellent choice.

It's my favorite country.

Well, tell me, Miss Kraus, why, after all these years,

have you suddenly decided to become a citizen?

Well, I remember the first year I was in this country,

I watched the Fourth of July parade from my window.

Haven't missed one since.

UndI just realized

that all those years I watched from my room,

where I really wanted to be was down on the curb

with a flag in my hand.

You see, sir, I don't want to watch from my window anymore.

I want to be part of the parade.

Congratulations, Miss Kraus.

Of course, you have to file a declaration of intent

and then wait for the naturalization test.

They ask you questions about our government and history.

There's a lot to learn. You think you can do it?

Ja.I mean, yes.

Well, maybe Benson can help you.

It would be the first time

Benson has ever done anything for me.

I put your name on the waiting list for the moon shuttle.

Benson, Miss Kraus has decided to become a citizen.

Isn't that wonderful news?

Yes, sir. When the word gets out,

they'll be dancing in the streets.

[LAUGHS] Oh, I don't think people will go that far.

No, I don't mean here, sir. I mean in Germany.

Okay, who said, "Don't give up the ship"?

Captain James Lawrence on June , .

Right again.

Gretchen, how did you know that?

She was there.

American history has always fascinated me.

She has a whole shelf full of history books.

I'm going in to watch the news.

The news? Yeah.

So I won't have to read about it when I'm in high school.

Well, I'm very impressed, Gretchen.

One thing's for sure, you're not gonna have any trouble

with that citizenship test tomorrow.

Benson, what is this?

How did you get ahold of this?

I gave it to him.

I want an itemized accounting for the Thursday reception,

not just the alleged total figure.

I know that, Clayton.

Then why didn't you do a breakdown?

Because I haven't had a chance to get all the receipts together.

I lost them.

Stay out of this, Kraus.

I can take care of myself, Benson.

You lost the receipts?

Then how on earth did you come up with the figure

of $,.?

I remembered what everything cost.

I have it all in my head.

Oh? So, let's have it.

Uh, well, uh,

there was the rental of the extra chairs.

Und,um, the florist.

Dollars and cents, Kraus. I want the numbers.

The suppliers are sending the receipts, Clayton. I'll handle it.

Come on, Kraus. I haven't got all day.

Stop pushing me. You are making me nervous.

Clayton, she's got a lot on her mind right now.

Really?

Seems like a total blank to me.

You two ought to get your story straight.

Sorry, Gretchen. He treated you very badly.

He should have.

Cost sheets are my responsibility.

You don't hand them in. I do.

And if those receipts don't match this figure,

he's really gonna get on your case.

Well, when my memory is working, it is perfect.

You're telling me you've got a perfect memory

when you can't remember your middle name.

Oh, ja?

Well, the meat, produce, und baked goods came to $..

Wait a minute, wait a minute. $..

The liquor cost was $..

[CLICKING]

Furniture rental undflorist, $..

[CLICKING]

Bongo-drum player, bucks even.

Okay, is that it? No.

My middle name is Wilomena.

Kraus, that comes to $,.

You're $. short.

Add the % sales tax, dummy.

On the nose.

Well, good for you, Gretchen.

So, why didn't you do that with Clayton instead of Benson?

I don't know.

It could be that Clayton makes me nervous,

while Benson only makes me nauseous.

Is Miss Kraus back yet? Not yet, sir.

I want to be here to congratulate her.

It isn't every day we get to welcome

a new citizen to this country.

Try and tell them that in Miami.

Daddy, what does it mean to be "naturalized," anyway?

Well, you know how in some places

the hamburgers aren't all meat,

but they still call them hamburgers?

I can't wait to hear the end of this one.

Well, they add soy meal to the meat.

But it looks like hamburger and it tastes like hamburger,

so it's sort of naturalized hamburger.

So Miss Kraus is gonna become something she wasn't before?

Right. Now she's a citizen.

But she's still a hamburger.

They should be back by now.

I'm gonna go see if they're here.

Benson, keep it a secret,

but I'm thinking of giving Miss Kraus a party tonight.

Would you come? Will she be there?

Here they are! They're home.

GOVERNOR: Oh, good. Congratulations, Miss Kraus.

You're no longer the wretched refuse of our teeming shore.

[CRIES]

What happened?

She didn't make it.

Gretchen failed the test.

Hi.

Oh, how's Miss Kraus?

Not good.

She's talking about going back to Germany,

but I don't think she means it.

I don't get it. She knew all that stuff cold.

Boy, I saw it coming.

The minute the immigration officer walked into the room,

she was just a bundle of nerves.

And when he asked her the first question,

she couldn't remember her own name.

She drew a blank. Mmm-hmm.

Just like she did when Clayton pressed her for those receipts.

Certain people just seem to intimidate her.

I wish I was one of them.

Well, it's not that unusual

to panic when faced with a test.

I know I do. Ooh, me, too.

I really fall apart under pressure. I always did.

I remember on my honeymoon,

I ended up sleeping in the lobby.

Oh, Miss Kraus, I'm so sorry about the test.

Better luck next time.

There will be no next time.

I thought you wanted to become a citizen.

It's a free country.

I have the right to change my mind.

Gretchen, you've got to take the test again.

You know, the same thing happened to me

my first year of college.

Every time I had an exam, I drew a blank.

So, what did you do?

I failed.

But I didn't quit.

I dealt with the problem, and I graduated with my class.

Well, how did you do it?

I decided to study.

I have a little trick that I use

when I'm trying to remember things, word association.

For example, suppose you were to ask me,

who was the fourth president of the United States?

Well, the first thing I'd think of would be the fourth grade.

And then I'd think of Daisy Kaufmann,

who used to sit next to me.

And when I think of a daisy, I think of a flower.

And when I think of flower, I think of a smell.

And when I think of a smell, I think of a nose.

And when I think of a nose, I think of Barbra Streisand.

When I think of Barbra Streisand,

I think of Hello, Dolly!

And when I think of Dolly,I think of Dolley Madison,

who was married to James Madison,

who was the fourth president of the United States.

Wasn't he?

I think it would be easier to go back to Germany.

Gretchen, you're no quitter.

Now, take the test again.

Benson and I will help you. Won't we, Benson?

Well, I don't know, Marcy,

because I'm not very much on history.

As a matter of fact, I can only remember two dates.

December , and June , .

Well, I know December was Pearl Harbor,

but what happened on June ?

Well, it had to do with a certain young lady named Cynthia.

That isn't in the history books.

It should be.

Miss Kraus, I think it's very generous

of Marcy and Benson to make the offer.

And I think you should take 'em up on it.

What offer?

I'll tell you what, Gretchen.

Not only will we help you,

but this time, Benson will come along as one of your witnesses.

Marcy. Benson.

You would do that for me?

Of course he would. Wouldn't you, Benson?

Well, anything to help her make up her mind.

You want me to become a citizen?

Why?

Well, because, Kraus, you're worthless the way you are.

Good Lord, woman.

One minute you're saying, "Don't give up the ship."

The next minute, you're taking one to Germany.

I just want to know one way or the other.

Tell me where you want me to stand,

at the immigration office or down at the dock?

At the immigration office.

Damn!

Come on, Benson.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Well, it's just gonna take a minute.

You're here to vouch for Gretchen's character.

Won't that make my nose grow?

I don't know why there isn't anybody here?

You're sure this is the right place?

Yeah, this is it.

Ja,this is the very chair where I fell apart.

[SIGHS] Good afternoon.

MARCY: Hello.

Close the door, please.

We were here before, Mr. Pruitt.

Remember us? No.

Which one of you is the petitioner?

She is.

"Kraus."

Did you fill this out by yourself? Ja.

And you can read and write? Ja.

Can you speak English?

Ja.

Can I hear some of it?

What do you want me to say?

That's enough.

You two, I assume, are the character witnesses?

How long have you known the petitioner?

We've known her for two years.

But it seems a lot longer.

To become a citizen, a person must be of good moral character.

To your knowledge, is the petitioner a habitual drunkard,

an adulterer, a polygamist, a gambler,

a perjurer, a convict, or a m*rder*r?

Not to my knowledge,

but then what Kraus does on the weekend is her business.

No.

The petitioner must demonstrate a knowledge of the history

and the principles of the United States.

Are you ready?

[NERVOUSLY] Ja.

What was the date of the signing

of the Declaration of Independence?

The four...

[CLEARS THROAT] The fourth of July.

Would you care to venture a year?

... Uh, .

Who was the American president during the w*r of ?

Who was the American president during the w*r of ?

The American president during the w*r of was...

Uh, the one between Jefferson undMonroe.

Yes, yes?

Um... Oh, I can see his picture so clearly.

Now if I could just make out what it says underneath.

I'm waiting.

Just give her a minute. I'm sure she knows it.

Doesn't she, Benson? What?

You know, fourth grade.

Oh, sure. Uh, come on, Kraus.

You've known that since the fourth grade.

I have? Yeah.

When you sat next to Daisy Kaufmann.

She wore a flower.

You used to smell it with your nose,

which reminded you of Barbra Streisand...

Dolley Madison's husband... What's-his-name.

That's what I'm waiting for.

James Madison.

Thank you.

During the Civil w*r,

who was the president of the Confederacy?

Ja.

Uh, not Lincoln, but the other guy.

Uh, the one with the funny money.

Um, uh, you know, Robert E. Lee's boss.

Do you know it or don't you? Ja,I, um...

Did you study at all?

Ja,I got it all inside. I just can't get it out.

Then perhaps you'd better come back another time.

No, I have already been back another time.

Oh, Marcy, what am I going to do?

I'm so nervous I can't think.

Well, nothing new in that, is there, Kraus?

Benson.

She's wasting your time.

She doesn't know anything about this country.

Ja,I do.

Then why can't you remember it?

Now, wait a minute.

Kraus, you're an incompetent.

You can't even remember your own middle name.

Now listen, Benson.

Any idiot ought to be able to name

the president of the Confederacy.

Jefferson Davis became president

of the Confederate States of America on February , .

That's very good.

Well, she probably looked at the answer.

She can read upside-down, you know.

Let me hold that. Sure.

"Who secured passage of the Missouri Compromise"?

Henry Clay.

Is that right?

That's what it says here.

This one will get her.

"In , secretary of state

"John Quincy Adams created a policy which"...

The Monroe Doctrine.

That's right.

"The charge up San Juan Hill"...

Its real name was Kettle Hill,

undit was led by Theodore Roosevelt,

who later became the th president.

Oh, that's very good, Miss Kraus,

really excellent.

Well, she got lucky.

Now let's turn to the Constitution.

Which page?

Sir, it's simply a question of which is more important,

swearing in the new Attorney General

or congratulating the help.

Clayton, we have half an hour.

And off the record, congratulating Miss Kraus is more important to me.

Oh, Katie, Miss Kraus is gonna love this.

Thanks, Daddy.

Here, you can help blow up the balloons.

Oh, good. Here you are, Clayton.

Oh, sir, I'd really rather not.

I have nothing against a certain amount of controlled frivolity.

Blow!

Oh, this would have made great picture coverage.

Why didn't somebody tell me?

'Cause we didn't find out Miss Kraus had passed the test

until minutes ago when Marcy called.

Have a balloon.

We're back. Oh, everybody hide.

GOVERNOR: Congratulations!

[SHOUTING]

Oh, thank you, Liebling.

Well, how does it feel to be an American citizen?

It is a great honor. An honor unda privilege.

We're so happy for you, Gretchen.

Thank you.

You know, when I came over here,

the first thing I saw was the Statue of Liberty

holding up a torch.

Undthen I noticed, in her other hand, she held a book.

Well, I think today, when I signed the papers that made me a citizen,

I wrote my name in that book.

It's right there with your names.

All of your families came from somewhere else.

I just got here a little late.

Well, we're very glad you decided to stay.

Oh, so am I.

After all, some of my best friends are Americans.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you, sir.

Welcome aboard, Miss Kraus.

Don't forget to register to vote.

I think you're also entitled to a library card.

Well, it's so exciting.

Let's get the champagne.

Congratulations, Kraus.

Thank you, Benson.

I know what you did for me.

Without your help, I would not have passed the test.

Thanks to you, I am now a citizen of the United States.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

Mail.

Here's a postcard for you, Gretchen. Oh.

What does it say? I haven't the slightest idea.

I bet. It's in German.

It's from my cousin Heidi.

She has invited me to spend days at the inn

at a special discount off-season rate.

Hey, not bad.

Ja,except that right now it is the off season.

Well, you know how those foreigners are, Kraus,

always trying to take advantage of us Americans.

You said it. Would you like some coffee, Benson?

Thank you very much, Gretchen.

You know, I think the events of the last couple of days

have brought us all a little closer together.

I mean, you two are actually being nice to each other.

So I think it's about time you finally admitted you're friends.

What do you say? Why don't you shake on it?