02x03 - Fool's Gold

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Take it again, Benson. I think you blinked. [LAUGHS]

What're you doing?

The insurance company wants pictures of the antiques

in case of a fire or theft.

Who would want to steal something that ugly?

Where're you going, Frankie?

Uh, to see the Governor. No, you're not.

But the historical society's coming to dinner.

Got some great jokes the Governor can use. [LAUGHS]

You wanna hear them?

You're not a joke writer, Frankie, you're a messenger.

Please, I'm a courier. Then go courier.

Come on, Benson.

What harm can it do? Give him a chance, okay?

All right, okay.

Thanks, Benson. Go ahead, Frankie.

I'll be in my room. Let me know when it's over.

History jokes, right?

[LAUGHING] Do you know what Custer's last words were?

Does anybody here speak Indian?

[LAUGHING] Moving right along.

Why did Washington throw a dollar across the Potomac?

[LAUGHS] His horse is too big.

You don't like Washington. I'll do a Lincoln.

Do a Nixon and get out.

I'll come back when you're feeling better.

Benson, when are you going to stop goofing off and get back to work?

I am sick and tired of covering for you.

Oh! What's this ugly thing doing here?

At the moment, she's looking at a candy dish.

Kraus, I need your help up here.

I need to photograph these things on the mantel. Hold this vase for me.

Even a simple job like this,

and you can't do it without me.

Kraus, please get out of the picture.

This is not my camera and I don't want to break it.

Let me have that.

Oh! Look, here comes my hand.

Isn't that amazing?

Look at all those fingers. I always was photogenic.

Klaus, what's that? What, that little cherub?

Yeah, it's crooked. This one isn't like that.

Oh, it was always like that.

I tried to straighten it, but it wouldn't budge.

Let me try. Hold that.

I knew you couldn't do it.

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS] Good work, Benson.

Now you broke the fireplace.

There's a secret compartment.

Well, what's that? Whoo!

It's an old letter, addressed to somebody named Dolly.

Oh, aren't you going to open it?

No, I'm gonna let the Governor open it.

Why? He's got a letter opener.

I had no idea there was a secret compartment

in the mantel piece.

There's a lot of things they don't tell you when you become Governor.

I didn't find out that there was a dimmer switch

on my bedroom light till last week.

Governor, do you plan to open the letter?

Look at that, the Governor's seal.

See, in those days, the Governor wore a big ring

and he just pressed it down on the wax to make his seal.

I wish I'd gotten one of those.

Governor, we're all very anxious to find out what's inside.

Well, I should think so. All right.

Here we go.

Boy, this is exciting.

Well?

It's to Dolly, all right.

Read it.

Everybody ready? ALL: Yes!

"My darling Dolly,

"would I might express these words in person,

"but I know you are off riding again.

"How I envy your horse.

"I never thought I could be jealous of a gelding."

What's a gelding?

A gelding is a horse that isn't all there.

Oh, crazy, huh?

Well, it would make me crazy.

"My dear one, the times grow precarious.

"I stand accused of theft, embezzlement, and vote buying.

"Should the people see through my denials,

"I shall be forced to take flight.

"In that eventuality, remember the riddle I taught you.

"The solution will lead you to $, in gold

"I have secreted here in the mansion."

$,? Hot damn!

Well, you got Kraus' interest.

Is there more?

"I remain your ardent swain, Icky."

Icky?

This letter must have been written by Governor Ichabod Broon.

Get that book on the history of the state.

Ah, there's a postscript.

"Tell that young stable boy, Philippe,

"that my best horse must be ready to ride on a moment's notice."

Here it is.

Governor Ichabod Broon held office from to... ?

Yes, I'm afraid he had to leave office rather suddenly.

And painfully.

He was tarred and feathered and hung by the neck until honest.

Just like me and my ex-wife Janine.

The man always gets it in the neck,

and the wife ends up with the loot.

But how could Dolly have ended up with the loot,

if she never got the letter?

The seal was unbroken, remember?

I never thought of that.

I know this is difficult for you, Peter, but try to keep up.

Hey, then the gold is still here.

Forget it. That was over years ago.

The mansion's been rebuilt three times.

Somebody must have found that gold a long, long time ago.

Nobody found the letter.

Right. Then the possibility remains that the gold is still here.

You're wasting your time. You're not gonna find gold.

For the last years, nobody's lived in this house but politicians.

I'm surprised we still even got the silverware.

I know what I'd do if I had that gold. What, honey?

I'd go to McDonald's, buy a billion burgers,

and watch them change the number on the sign.

[LAUGHS] You know what I'd do if I had $,?

I'd go off on a long, long boat trip.

What would you buy, Benson?

A long, long torpedo.

What are you gonna buy, Marcy?

She isn't gonna buy anything, Katie,

because there's no gold in this house.

And I'd appreciate it if you all would stop talking about it

so I can get some work done.

What'd you do, dress yourself this morning?

Where have you been? In the basement.

What are you doing in the basement?

Looking around.

Oh?

Don't worry. I didn't find anything.

You think the gold's hidden in the basement?

No, not anymore I don't, but I'm not giving up.

I got to find some way to pay for my divorce.

Listen, if I should find it,

don't tell Janine until after the settlement.

I'm gonna go try the attic.

Ah, Peter, sleeping in the car again?

Good afternoon, Benson.

What are you after, Clayton?

I have just had a most fascinating conversation with my broker.

It seems that Governor Broon's $, in gold

would be worth at today's prices...

Are you ready?

$,!

Oh! Wow!

Clayton, I just got this mob quieted down.

Those figures are fact.

Now let us enter the realm of speculation.

In , most of our gold was in the form of coins.

In , there was a single gold coin

that sold for $,.

At that rate, Governor Broon's little nest egg would be worth,

conservatively, $ million.

Do you know what this means?

Yeah, it means I could buy the world a Coke.

$ million.

Peter, I'll race you to the attic.

Now that the children are gone,

I think we all have work to do.

Well, I certainly do. I have a huge stack of mail on my desk.

BENSON: Your desk is that way.

I don't care.

Well, see you later.

Where you going, Kraus? We got people coming for dinner tomorrow night.

So? I'll take them out to dinner.

Oh, you people. I know, Benson.

The chances of finding it are very slim,

but there might be $ million in gold

hidden somewhere in the mansion.

Think about it. Ciao.

Morning, Benson. Good morning, Pete.

Mecca's that way.

Um, uh...

I'm looking for a contact lens.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know you wore contact lenses.

Oh, I do, when I can find them.

I'll search for it later.

Pete. Yeah.

Who moved the painting? What painting?

[GRUNTS] This painting.

Oh, uh, you know, uh...

You know anything about that hole?

Oh, yeah, that was an accident.

[LAUGHS] I just, I happened to tap on the wall,

and I heard this hollow sound. So, uh...

I tapped again and the wall crumbled.

You do that with your finger?

Uh, no, with this.

[KRAUS SCREAMS]

[CRASHING]

Kraus, what are you doing out there in the bushes?

KRAUS: What does it look like I'm doing, you idiot?

I'm lying in them.

Well, stay there. I'll get the gardener to prune you.

Come on, get in here. What happened, Miss Kraus?

Well, [CLEARS THROAT] I was just walking along and I tripped.

Over what?

The chimney.

The chimney? What in the world were you doing on the roof, woman?

I know what she was doing. She was looking for the gold.

On the roof?

I was acting on a hunch.

You see, in the old days, when the Hessians att*cked,

my great grandparents hid their valuables on the roof.

Why?

The Hessians were ferocious on the ground,

but they had a fear of heights.

That is why they all rode Shetland ponies.

Why am I listening to this?

Why am I asking you?

A metal detector? I don't believe this!

You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first.

Good morning, Marcy. Morning, everybody.

What happened to you? Did your car break down?

Um, no, nothing like that.

I just stopped to do a little gardening out front.

Gardening?

Well, sort of.

Actually, I noticed this mound on the front lawn.

Just out of idle curiosity, I started digging.

With your bare hands?

Yes.

Did you find anything?

Yes.

Well, what was it?

A shoe box with a dead squirrel in it.

Wait till Katie finds out you dug up Corky.

Will you people come to your senses?

Now, the first person who mentions gold again

is gonna get thrown out of here.

I know where we can find the gold.

Well, the second person.

Tell us, sir, how'd you figure out where the gold is?

Let me see, how do I make a long story short?

Have somebody else tell it.

Sir, where is the gold?

Oh, I'm getting to that.

Now, you all know what a history buff I am.

[ALL SIGH]

Well, I just couldn't stop thinking about Icky's letter,

so I called the state archives

and had them send over everything they had

on Governor Broon's administration.

And among the official papers, I found his personal diary.

Fascinating diary. I believe he carried it with him to the very end.

You can still see the tar and feathers on it.

We'll clean it later, sir.

What did you find in there, a map?

No, but I think I found the riddle.

What makes you think so?

Because written next to it is the word "riddle."

I'll find it and read it to you.

Oh, here's one I missed.

He used to wax his moustache.

There's a beauty tip for you, Kraus.

Sir, the riddle. Oh, yeah. Here it is.

"When Hyperion's race is through,

"lesser steeds are resting, too.

"Through the window in the west, let his glory come to rest.

"When the final glimmer falls, hearken, El Dorado calls."

What does that mean, "El Dorado calls"?

It means the gold is in the trunk of a Cadillac.

No, no, El Dorado obviously refers

to the legendary land of gold.

Yeah, but who is this fellow, Hyperion?

Hyperion was the Greek god who pulled the sun across the sky in his chariot.

Oh, that Hyperion.

Oh, that's very good, Clayton. What does the rest of it mean?

I don't know yet,

which I find rather comforting,

because if I can't figure it out,

then sure as hell none of you can.

May I see that page, sir?

Don't let him see it, sir!

He will memorize it and then swallow it.

Oh, well, then, Clayton, maybe I better let you see it last.

Here, Benson.

"When Hyperion's race is through,

"lesser steeds are resting, too."

What do you think? I think they hung this fellow for his poetry.

I'll take that. I'll flip you for it.

Watch it, Clayton. She isn't talking about a coin.

Let me have it. I'll make copies of it.

Look, why don't we all put our heads together,

we figure this thing out, then split the money evenly. How does that sound?

This isn't an Easter-egg hunt, Peter.

This is hardball, strictly finders keepers.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to cut me out.

After I pioneered expeditions to the basement and the attic.

Big deal. You came up with zilch.

Yeah, but at least I don't dig up squirrels. That's really sick.

I haven't filled that hole in yet, Pete, so watch it.

Benson, we can't just stand here. They'll k*ll each other.

I know, sir, but there's always a chance

that Clayton will be the first to go.

Now, I won't have any more of this squabbling.

If there is a treasure here in this mansion

and if one of you should find it,

you split it evenly with the others.

Good thinking, Governor. I couldn't agree with you more.

All in favor? No!

Suppose Clayton finds the $ mil

and doesn't tell the rest of us.

Well, we could always do it the democratic way.

You mean appoint a subcommittee

and spend $ million to find the $ million?

That is one way, but I was thinking

more of a system of checks and balances.

I know what you're saying. You mean, We can team up

and one can keep an eye on the other.

Good idea. Dibs on Clayton.

I don't want you, Peter.

I'll carry your metal detector.

We'll see.

How about it, Gretchen? Should you and I be partners?

Okay, I trust you, Marcy,

but you better keep an eye on me.

I'll run off some copies.

Ah, ah! We're coming with you!

Oh, Clayton, that isn't necessary.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Calm down, everybody.

Now, we've got the historical society

coming to dinner here tonight.

Now, the treasure hunt is off until after the banquet.

Benson's right. Marcy, you haven't even typed up my speech for tonight.

That's because Pete and Clayton haven't written it yet, sir.

That is no excuse, Marcy.

Now, we've all got to get to work.

I want to show that historical society

a dinner they will always remember.

Though, I must say, it seems to me

they have plenty to remember already.

And until this shindig is over, nobody even mentions gold.

Kraus, what's the first course tonight?

Bullion.

Well, I thought the historical society dinner was a great success.

I thought it was boring.

Oh, I didn't think they were so boring.

I was sorry to see them leave.

I know, sir. It's the first time

you finished an after-dinner speech in the parking lot.

Hell, I didn't get a chance to tell them about Governor Broon's letter

and the $ million.

Brilliant oversight, sir, 'cause if you had,

they'd still been here ripping up the floorboards.

Isn't that amazing what people will do for money?

[SCOFFS] Human nature, sir.

Yeah, but greed is one of the seven deadly sins.

That's right up there with sloth.

Oh, hi.

Well, Marcy, what are you doing here?

I've come here to meet my partner

and start looking for the gold.

It's one o'clock in the morning.

We promised to wait until after the historical society dinner,

but that's all we promised.

Now, where have you two been looking?

We haven't looked anywhere. Oh, sure.

[CLEARS THROAT] Ah!

Good evening, sir. Um...

Peter and I thought we'd come back

and get a head start on your sales-tax proposal.

That would explain why Pete's carrying the shovel.

Okay, Marcy, come on. Let's get going.

I've already staked out the library.

Hey, the library's ours.

In a pig's eye.

Are we gonna take that?

Peter, mush.

Benson, how much longer is this gonna go on?

Well, let's face it, sir.

Nobody's gonna be worth anything

until we find out if the gold is here or not.

But the odds against the gold still being here

in this mansion are about million to one.

I know. They're on a wild-goose chase.

My thoughts exactly.

Of course, there is one thing we could do to put an end to it.

You and I could team up.

You mean become a part of all this craziness?

No, no, of course not.

No, I mean solve the riddle

and prove that the gold isn't here.

Well...

Partners?

If you want to.

So where do you think we should start?

Probably with these blueprints.

Benson, I know your blueprints

show that the toolshed used to be the stables,

but why are we going there?

Do you remember the beginning of the poem?

Yeah, I think so.

Uh... "When Hyperion's race is through,

"lesser steeds are resting, too."

Right, right. Now, steeds means horses. Where do horses rest?

I've got it, the stable! Yeah.

And if you were hiding money

and wanted to make a fast getaway, where would you hide it?

In the limo.

I think I found something. Huh?

There's a coin wedged between the floorboards.

Let me see that.

Oh, yippee, a quarter.

Clayton, can I have that back?

Don't be petty.

I'd like to hang on to it for sentimental reasons.

It's already mixed up with the other change in my pocket.

Well, there's obviously nothing here. Let's check the gazebo.

Clayton.

Well, I see the two of you have finally succumbed to the lure of the gold.

No, we just came down here for handball.

Benson thinks he's solved the riddle.

Ah? From the movie "Fat Chance."

Aah! Excuse me, Benson.

Marcy, I told you we should follow them.

The men are in cahoots.

They have teamed up against us.

Don't jump to any conclusions, Gretchen.

I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation

why the four of them are here together,

and it better be good.

Benson thinks the gold is here.

That's good.

You're wasting your time.

We covered every inch of this place.

You could have missed it. Go ahead, Benson.

The poem says,

"When Hyperion's race is through."

Now, if this guy's job

is dragging the sun through the sky,

his work is through at sunset.

Obviously.

What's the next part, Governor?

Uh, "Through the window in the west,

"let his glory come to rest."

I figured what he's talking about

is the last rays of sunlight through the window.

Elementary, my dear Benson.

However, if you knew anything about a compass,

you would know that the only window in this room faces south.

If you knew anything about these blueprints,

you'd know there used to be a window in this room

and it faces west.

Right up there.

[GASPS] GOVERNOR: It's been filled in.

So? Hit it, Governor.

"When the final glimmer falls "And that's the sunlight.

"hearken, El Dorado calls."

That's the gold.

The last ray of sunlight marks the spot.

So all we have to do is knock a hole in the wall

and let the sunshine in.

Knock a hole in your head and let some brains in.

It's : in the morning.

So what'll we do?

Pete, climb the ladder.

No, I can't do it, Benson.

Heights make me nauseous.

Funny, you don't look Hessian.

Give it to me. I'll do it.

Kraus, turn on the flashlight.

Marcy, turn off the lights.

Right. KRAUS: What now?

BENSON: Aim the light at the floor.

Now, that's the sunlight.

Now, I'm going on the idea

that as the sun slowly sets in the west,

the light comes through the window, across the floor, and up the wall.

Come on, come on. Let's go up the wall here with this.

Yeah, go on. Keep going.

Keep going.

Hold it, Miss Kraus. Back down a little.

There's a crack in the mortar. [GASPS]

Sir, this is one of the most farfetched suppositions.

Oh, Clayton, can it.

Hey, this crack, it goes all the way around.

Hey, this stone is loose.

Give me something to pry this out.

There you go, Governor. Marcy, turn on the light.

Ah! Ah! It's moving! You mean we found it?

Uh-huh. [CHEERING]

Eureka!

Hold it, Clayton.

This was Benson's discovery.

He should have the honor.

Thank you. Remember, Benson, we split it six ways.

There doesn't seem to be anything in here but paper. That's all?

Maybe it's a check.

No, it's a letter. Read it.

"Dear Icky, when you hid the gold,

"Philippe and I were watching

"from our favorite rendezvous spot,

"the hayloft.

"By the time you read this,

"your trusty stable boy, the gold, and I

"will be on a clipper ship bound for Spain.

"Faithfully yours, Dolly."

A clipper ship bound for Spain,

all that gold, and Philippe,

how romantic.

I hope the ship sank.

Now I wish I'd told my ex-wife about this.

I'd like her to share the disappointment.

This reminds me of that time in the third grade

when Louis Ryan took my cupcake.

He went to Spain, too.

With your cupcake?

Oh, I don't think so, Benson.

He was in his s when he left.

Come now, people. Be of good cheer.

Someday we'll laugh about all this.

[LAUGHS SADLY]

I'll let you in on a secret.

If I had found that gold, I would have retired

and spent the rest of my life on a tropical island.

If I get you a palm tree,

will you spend the rest of your life in your room?

Well listen to this, "The price of gold went down." So?

So that means the treasure would be worth only four million now.

Oh, that makes me feel a lot better.

Payday, Marcy.

Thanks, Benson. Gretchen.

Oh, this is great. A good day's pay for a week's work.

All these deductions. What can I buy with what is left here?

Now you can buy those socks you always wanted.

Benson, have you seen the shovel?

I think Pete left it out back, Katie. Thanks.

What do you want with the shovel, honey?

You aren't gonna believe this,

but some sicko dug up Corky.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]