02x02 - Benson in the Hospital

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Benson, what are you doing just sitting here?

I'm sitting here so I don't fall there.

Is it getting cold in here? No.

I think I'm coming down with something.

Well, it's not ambition.

Well, whatever it is, I hope it's contagious.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

This inventory's gonna k*ll me.

Don't get my hopes up.

I don't know why we have to do an inventory, anyway.

I know what's here.

This is state property, and the governor's responsible for it.

We got to have records. We can't rely on your memory.

I have a perfect memory.

What if something happened to you?

What if you got hit by a truck?

Why do I t*rture myself?

Go ahead, try me. Ask me what's here.

How many crystal dessert dishes do we have?

Plenty.

"Service for plenty." I'll write that down.

Miss Kraus. Do we have anymore tuna fish?

Ja,but it would spoil your lunch.

But it's not for me. It's for my new kitten, Napoleon.

Ooh, I got something special for him at the supermarket.

"Kitty liver surprise."

Looks like army food.

It says here it will keep him happy undfrisky.

It certainly isn't army food.

Thanks.

Is it getting warm in here?

When I was a little girl, my best friend was a goat.

All this time, I thought it was your perfume.

I'm starving. Is there anything to eat?

You're always starving, Pete.

Oh, look at this stuff.

There must be a , bucks on this table alone.

Hey, food.

I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

What a great publicity idea...

"Governor sells mansion treasures to feed poor."

How's this, "Governor's aide stops eating to feed poor."

This is great. It's kind of tangy. What is it?

Don't eat too much. It'll make you frisky.

Really good. What's it called, anyway?

Kitty liver surprise.

You mean I'm eating pet food?

Step up from your regular diet, huh?

Yuck! I'm gonna go brush my teeth!

You don't have to. You can have a milk-bone.

BENSON: What's in this carton on the top shelf?

It's all the gifts our Governor has received from important visitors.

Tokens of esteem and mementos.

In other words, junk.

Miss Kraus have you seen my kitten?

No, Liebchen.

Benson, is Napoleon in there?

Sweetheart I wouldn't be surprised if Teddy Roosevelt was in here.

I can't find him anywhere.

Think he ran away from home?

He's probably having dinner with Pete.

I'm really worried. Oh, don't worry, Liebling.

Kittens are independent.

They need time alone away from all human contact.

Try looking in Kraus's room.

Will you help me look for him?

Oh, not now sweetheart. I don't feel well.

I'll help you find him, Katie.

Your kitten is probably playing possum.

My goat used to do that.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Benson, aren't you supposed to be doing the inventory?

I am. Chandelier... One.

My mistake. I thought you were goofing off.

It's just that I'm not feeling well.

I hope I'm not coming down with the flu.

What are your symptoms?

Well, my eyes are watery, I can't catch my breath,

and I feel like I'm gonna pass out.

You'd be better off with the flu.

[LAUGHS]

Oh!

Ooh! Honey, you better sit down.

Yeah.

Now you better lie down. Yeah.

Put your feet up. Yeah.

No, that's for shock.

Now, you just lie here and don't move.

Isn't this where I was when you came in?

I'll get you some aspirin.

I'll be all right in a minute.

If I live that long.

Now my point is, Governor,

if that bill gets deadlocked in, uh,

Senator Hunziger's Committee,

we'll have to wait until the next session to reintroduce it.

[CHUCKLES]

Marvelous.

Taking catnaps in the living room?

Why don't you just stretch out in the governor's office?

This couch is more comfortable.

Look, Governor, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, that's all right.

I think this couch is more comfortable, too.

I mean, I shouldn't have been lying down. I'm not feeling well.

It's because you don't take care of yourself.

Now look at me.

No, thanks. I feel bad enough already.

You don't look very well, either.

Well, of course I do. I'm in perfect health.

Well, so am I.

So good. Then the two of you can carry me out.

Sir, what about Senator Hunziger?

Oh, I think we can handle Benson alone.

No, sir, I meant the Bill.

You're a friend of the Senator's.

Perhaps you could convince him to change his mind.

He's a man of principle. He has a right to vote his convictions.

Well, let me have a go at him, sir.

I'm sure the Senator has his weaknesses.

I know he's crazy about fruit loops.

Look what I found!

What is that, an earmuff?

Close. It's an ear.

An ear?

Yeah, remember when I went to Mexico city?

They dedicated a bull to me. This is the bull's ear.

That's most impressive. May I see that, sir?

Of course. As a matter of fact, I think I have some other parts in here.

Great. Now we got a bull that comes in a kit.

Well, I'm gonna let the two of you put him together while I go lie down.

Benson, what are you doing up? I told you to lie down.

Well, I was about to when...

When...

When what? What, "when what?"

You were saying "when" when you stopped.

Stopped what? Stopped talking.

That's a good idea.

Take these.

He doesn't look at all good.

Oh, I think you're running a temperature.

Clayton, go call my doctor.

Oh, sir, can't he just take a bus to the clinic?

Clayton. Oh, all right. Here.

What's this?

Put it up to your ear, you can hear Mexico city.

Lord, it looks like a...

[SCREAMS]

Oh! That about does it.

Blood pressure's fine, temperature's normal.

What about his heart? Sound as a dollar.

That bad?

I mean, it's healthy.

You mean there's nothing wrong with me?

That's my diagnosis.

I want a second opinion.

Okay, you're sick. [LAUGHS]

Just kidding, just kidding.

I've examined you thoroughly,

and if you're sick, your body doesn't know it.

Benson whatever you had is gone. You're gonna be just fine.

Good. Unless it comes back.

Well, maybe somebody better keep an eye on him.

Well, I'll stay with you. I thought you had a date.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'll cancel it.

Oh Marcy, you don't have to do that.

Benson how could I go out with Dan and have a wonderful time

knowing you were lying here sick?

I'll just wear that beautiful new dress

on another very special occasion.

And I know Dan won't have any trouble

getting rid of the tickets.

We waited four months for these.

Marcy, I'm fine.

Thank God.

But he was sick.

He was shaking like a leaf.

We were even afraid to move him.

All I can say is he's made a miraculous recovery.

Sorry to get you out here on a false alarm.

No, no, nothing to apologize for.

It's kind of fun making a house call once in a while.

Profitable, too.

Benson, why don't you try to get some sleep?

I'll send Miss Kraus up with a bowl of nice, hot soup.

Oh, the last thing I need is a visit from Florence Nightin-mare.

Let me know if any symptoms reoccur. Just give me a call.

Gene, golf on Wednesday? [CHUCKLES]

I'll show you out, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you.

Well, congratulations.

That's the first time I've ever seen Jerome Phillips stumped.

Well, I'm not too crazy about being a medical mystery.

You know, this reminds me of a story.

Ugh. No, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This was a movie I saw one time.

This man woke up one morning. He's feeling very strange.

Uh-huh. And nobody would pay any attention to him.

Oh, really?

And then three days later, he turned into a rhinoceros.

It was funny seeing this rhinoceros in trousers.

It wasn't a very good movie.

It wasn't a very good story, either.

Someone looks like she's been having fun.

Me and Napoleon.

Did you teach him how to climb that tree?

Uh-huh, and I only had to show him once.

See you later.

Hi, Benson. Bye, Benson.

Nice talking to you.

I love those long conversations.

Well, look who's back from the grave.

Sorry to disappoint you, Kraus.

I wasn't disappointed. I knew you were faking.

Now, there's a message you don't get from Hallmark.

Then how do you explain how you are suddenly feeling better?

Beats the heck out of me.

Doctor says I'm in great shape.

Heart's strong, blood pressure's normal.

There's absolutely no reason in the world why I should pass out.

Benson!

[GASPS] Benson!

Benson!

Oh!

Hey, you! I haven't got all day, you know!

BENSON: This gown ain't got no back in it.

It doesn't matter. I've seen everything.

BENSON: When?

Listen!

You come out, or I'm gonna come in after you!

You're not related to Gretchen Kraus, are you?

Get in that bed!

Go on! Get in that bed! You're a sick man!

I ain't sick enough to pay $ a day for this room.

Well, Doctor says you have to stay until we run some more tests.

Now, if you want anything, buzz the nurses' station,

but it better be important.

I'd rather die first.

You think I didn't hear that?

Just watch your step.

Why do I always attract this type of woman?

Couldn't you just for once

send me a sweet, intelligent, beautiful woman?

Hi. You must be Benson.

Okay, what's the catch?

My name is Michelle, and I'm a nurse's aide.

Is there anything I can do for you?

What do you have in mind?

Come on, now. You just ask if there's anything you need.

Your phone number would cheer me up.

Ah, Benson. How are you getting along?

I was hoping you were gonna tell me that.

I'll see you later. How much later?

Oh, I have to come right back and give you your alcohol rub.

Then I guess I'll just have to lie right here and take it.

Doctor, did you find out what's wrong with me?

I must say, you're a challenge to me.

Now usually I get broken bones, influenza, slipped disks.

You should be more careful.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I think I have it narrowed down. It could be as simple as an allergy,

but I don't have the common denominator.

Tell me about your att*cks again.

Well, the first time, I was in the kitchen,

doing the inventory with Kraus,

and then the next time, I was in the living room...

With Kraus...

And then the next time, I was in the kitchen again,

and there was Kraus.

That's it! Kraus is your lowest common denominator.

Very possible. It could be her hair spray, her perfume, even her body chemistry.

But it's too early for a diagnosis.

We'll just keep looking for an answer.

Well, why go on looking when we got one we like?

We'll run some more tests in the morning. I'm ready doctor.

Ah, meanwhile, nurse Platt here is gonna take some blood.

BENSON: From who?

From you. I'll see you in the morning... Maybe.

[CHUCKLES] That's a little medical joke.

All right, let's go.

I suppose the only way I can stop you from doing this

is drive a stake through your heart.

Give me your arm. Do I get it back?

Do I have to have an orderly come in and strap you down?

Couldn't you take my blood some other time?

Ready for your alcohol rub?

Not till I take his blood.

Take it, take it, take it.

Yes, I am still waiting.

Clayton, I need you... Yeah, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Yes. Your ad says that you can fill any position.

Is that true, or should I let my fingers walk elsewhere?

I need to replace the head of household staff.

Mm-hmm.

I'm looking for a person who's alert, intelligent, and subservient.

Yes, all right, I'll call back when you've had time to go through your files. Thank you.

You're despicable.

[SCOFFS] I don't get the big bucks to be Mr. Nice guy.

Benson could be back here tomorrow.

Oh? Did you see how he looked when they took him out of here?

Call this number in half an hour, see if they've got a replacement.

Clayton, I... Marcy, believe me,

it's as unpleasant for me as it is for you.

But when a horse breaks its leg, you sh**t it.

I don't know anything about horses,

but I know a jackass when I see one.

Do your own dirty work.

this is it.

Now, Gretchen, remember, no matter how bad it looks,

you've got to be cheerful, for Benson's sake.

He's frightened, and he's alone.

If my blueberry tarts don't cheer him up, nothing will.

MICHELLE: Bye.

Oh, hello. Hi. We're friends of Benson's. How is he?

Oh, he's terrific. [LAUGHS]

BENSON: Come in.

Hello, Benson. We're here to brighten your day.

Why'd you bring Kraus?

Don't start with me, Benson.

I am trying to be cheerful.

This isn't bad. This is a nice room.

Pretty view.

And that beautiful girl taking care of you. Ooh!

Tart? No, she's a nurse's aide.

What is that?

Blueberry tarts.

Did you make them?

Benson, Gretchen's trying to be nice.

That's what worries me.

Fine. I'll give them to some other patient.

Come back here.

No, I'll take my tarts to the room across the hall.

If you don't bring your tarts back over here, you'll be in the room across the hall.

So now you want to taste them.

Nah, you can put them away. I want to sniff you.

What?

You out of your mind?

No, I'm allergic to something, and I think it may be to Kraus.

Well, in that case...

Take a good whiff.

[SNIFFS]

[SNIFFS]

You remind me of my goat.

You remind me of your goat.

Well, that's just the way my luck's been running. I'm not allergic to you.

Want to try me?

No, no, no. I'm just acting like an idiot.

That's all right, Benson. We're used to it.

Guess who?

Oh, well, now you know. You've seen my face.

Hello, Benson.

Hello, Governor. Thanks for dropping by.

Oh, I didn't just drop by. I brought you something.

See, it's one of those round jigsaw puzzles,

and when you put it together, it makes a pizza.

Did you bring any beer to go with it?

This looks like it might be hard.

Not if you do it by the slice.

Blueberry tarts, my favorite.

Yeah, they're not bad.

Oh, what a great shot.

"Governor visits sick black friend in hospital."

I've got to get a picture of this.

What's the hurry? You could get well on me.

I'd like to get sick on you.

What if I die?

Then we'd be talking national coverage.

Ooh. Blueberry tarts.

Governor, we're waiting for you.

Oh...

There must be some mistake, doctor. I'm just visiting.

No, sir, it's me, Clayton.

Are you wearing that mask by popular request?

Laugh if you want,

but I won't be taking any diseases home with me.

You don't need to.

What Benson has isn't communicable.

What Benson has is psychosomatic,

but the rest of this place is crawling with millions of unidentified germs.

Then take off your mask and identify yourself.

Governor, we really must be going.

All right, Clayton.

I'm sorry Katie couldn't come up.

She's too young, hospital rules.

Okay, everybody out.

Thank god. PRATT: Not you, Benson!

The visitors. Visiting hours are over.

Take care of yourself, Benson. I'll be back to visit this evening.

Me too. I'll look forward to it.

I can't make it. I'll look forward to that, too.

Is it possible to get anything to eat here?

No!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come on in.

Hi, Benson. Hi, sweetheart.

I snuck up to see you.

Well, I won't tell the warden if you don't.

Is it okay if I give you a hug?

You better.

I was beginning to think you were trying to avoid me.

[WHEEZES]

Uh, Katie, get me a glass of water.

Benson, are you feeling all right? [CONTINUES WHEEZING]

Well, I've felt better.

I've felt much better.

Benson, what's wrong?

Katie, get the doctor.

Please, somebody help!

Please help! Somebody!

Ow!

If I'd wanted a tattoo, I'd have gotten one in the army.

You want these allergy tests to work, don't you?

Oh, uh, may I?

Come on in, Governor.

Just don't roll up your sleeve.

Now we're all done.

The doctor will be by in a few minutes to check your reactions.

Ho-ho! Looks like we're gonna have a bumper crop!

Testing for allergies, huh?

When I was on my school swimming team,

I found out I had an allergy to chlorine.

My eyes used to puff up something awful.

One time during the -yard freestyle, I got lost.

Oh. Hello, Gene.

Hello, Jerry. How are you?

Not too well, I'm afraid.

How bad is it, doc?

Terrible. My putting has gone to pieces lately.

I was reading an article about that

just the other day in my dentist's office.

Bob Jameson. You know him?

Oh, yeah, sure, five handicap.

Right, well, Bob...

Doctor, could we get on with this?

There's another foursome waiting for this room.

[LAUGHING] Oh, you. [CHUCKLES]

Well, let's see how the test turned out here, huh?

Will you look at the size of that?

Well, now we know what you're allergic to.

Would you mind letting me in on it?

Did you just get a pet?

Closest I could get was an alcohol rub.

No, no, I mean, have you been around any animals?

Napoleon. Napoleon.

My daughter just got a new kitten.

Ah, cats. Well, there's your culprit.

All you have to do is walk into a room where a cat has been,

and you'll have a severe attack.

Well, Katie's crazy about that cat. Couldn't you give me something?

We can try to help a little, but with a reaction like that,

I'd advise you to even stay out of alleys.

Oh, don't worry. It's just an allergy.

Neither of us are gonna make medical journals with this one.

[CHUCKLES] Maybe next time. That's just a, you know...

Oh, this is gonna break Katie's heart.

I suppose somebody better tell her.

It's either you or the cat.

[CHUCKLES] I guess it's me.

Oh, no, Benson. We need you.

No, Governor, I meant I'll tell her.

Oh.

Oh, right.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come on in.

Benson, the doctor told me to take a shower

and put on clean clothes.

Why? What's wrong with me?

There's not a thing wrong with you, honey. You're just fine.

I'm sorry I made you sick.

I didn't mean to.

I know you didn't.

Sit up here.

You sure it's okay?

Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Katie, this is gonna be very difficult for me.

Benson, you're not gonna die, are you?

No, of course not.

It's nothing that scary.

I knew you wouldn't. [CHUCKLES]

It's just that I wanted to give you an explanation.

You know what an allergy is, don't you?

Uh-huh. Billy Turner's allergic to chocolate.

It makes him hyper.

Well, I've got an allergy.

To chocolate? No...

To cat hairs.

[SOFTLY] Napoleon's cat hairs?

Yeah.

And if I go back to the mansion and Napoleon is still there,

I'll get sick again.

He didn't mean it, Benson.

I know he didn't.

What if I keep him in a box all the time and never let him out?

Then he wouldn't be very happy.

It's not fair.

I know. It's not your fault.

Yet you're the one who's being hurt the most.

That's why I'm leaving the decision up to you.

I can't make that kind of decision.

I'm only years old.

I wish I could help.

I'm gonna Miss you, Benson.

[LAUGHS]

Aw, nuts.

Will you help me find a good home for him?

Now, you know I will.

I bet I could trade Napoleon to Sally Buell

for her pet alligator.

Is that okay?

Well, as long as I don't have to pet him.

The only problem is, where would I keep him?

How about Kraus' bathtub?

Oh, first day back on the job and look at him just sitting there.

The doctor told him not to overdo it.

Yeah, but he is overdoing not overdoing it.

Kraus, you told me you finished this inventory.

I did.

So, what's the matter? Listen to this...

Salt shakers... Ja! Tea pots... Ja!

What does that mean?

It means we got them.

Oh, guys have you seen Katie?

She's upstairs, sir, naming her fish.

Oh, I must say she does love those guppies.

Yeah, and they don't have any hair.

That's right.

You know I had guppies when I was a boy and I named my favorite one Jack Dempsey,

you know why?

[PHONE RINGING] The...

Saved by the bell.

Hello! Oh, hi, Michelle.

Sure. : sounds great. See you then.

Michelle, huh?

That cute nurse from the hospital?

Oh, yeah. I'm just gonna drop by her house tonight.

We're gonna work on that jigsaw puzzle the Governor gave me.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, it could take all night.

On a puzzle?

One of the pieces is missing.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]