07x18 - Not So Dearly Beloved

[bunniefuu]

Well, we're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot of tryin'

Just to get up that hill

Now we're up
in the big leagues

Gettin' our turn at bat

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

We're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Florence,
the pot roast was
simply out of this world.

Well, thank you,
Miss Jefferson.

Yeah, next time,
try to roast something
from this planet.

George, the dinner
was delicious.

Look, Weez, you don't
have to defend it.
I ate it, didn't I?

She got her revenge.

Revenge?
I don't need no revenge.

"Vengeance is mine,"
saith the Lord.

And he done took
enough revenge on your
scrawny little body already.

Hi, Louise.

Hi.

Tom, get in here.

Ah, come on Helen.
I'm not sure this is
such a good idea.

What is the matter with you?
This is important.

Tom, you have got to
stop letting people
push you around.

Now, get in here!

Ooh, what's this
all about?

Oh, it's really
no big deal.

No big deal?

George, Tom was
just insulted by one
of your employees.

What?

One of your employees
just insulted my husband.

Tell him, Tom.

Well, one of
your employees
just insulted me.

Well, what happened?

Well, Helen and I are
going out for dinner
tonight,

so we stopped by
your store downstairs
to pick up my blue suit.

Your favorite blue suit.

Well, it's an okay suit.
It fits me.

So does a circus tent.

Get to the point!

Well, when I picked up
the suit,

I noticed
a tiny jelly stain
on the lapel.

Oh, George, I hate to
bother you with this.

Bother him, Tom,
bother him.

Look, there was
no jelly stain when
we brought the suit in.

And what do you think
we saw on the counter
next to the cash register?

Tell him, Tom.

Well, we saw...

A half-eaten
jelly donut.

Your manager was
eating a jelly donut.

And tell George
what he said to us, Tom.

Well, he said...
He called us liars!

And I don't think
he should get away
with it.

Now, don't you feel better
after getting all that
off your chest?

George, you better
have a talk with
your manager.

Damn right I will.
That was Wendell Thomas,
right?

Well, that's the fellow,
but really, George,
it wasn't that major.

The hell it ain't.

The next time
he might insult
somebody important.

I'm takin' care of this
right now.

Hello, Wendell?
This is Jefferson.

Your boss!

Look, I wanna see you
up in my apartment
right now.

I said now!

George, what are
you gonna do?

I'm gonna can his butt,
that's what.

I should have done that
months ago.

Then why didn't you?

Because he's as good
at making me money

as he is at
making me crazy.

Well then, George,
maybe you ought to
consider keeping him on.

But, Tom, he insulted you,
don't you remember?
He called you fatso.

Okay, so that's
one for Wendell.

Now, I'm getting rid
of him anyway.

He's caused me
too many problems.

George, have you ever
tried to get him
to change his ways?

Weezy, I have sat him down
and tried to teach him
everything I know

about compassion
and understanding.

Why'd you sit him down?
He could have caught
that one on the run.

There was the other time,
Weezy, when he disappeared
for three hours

with my delivery truck and
the part-time counter girl.

But, George,
I saw him wearing
a wedding ring.

Look, Willis, that ring
goes on and off

more than the light
in your refrigerator.

Oh. George,
I forgot to tell you.

When I mentioned
that you were
a friend of ours,

all he said was,
"Hmm. I'm not afraid
of that little midget."

Midget!

Okay, so there's
another one for Wendell.

Okay, look,
I'll take care of this.

And look, don't worry
about your suit.

You're a customer of mine,
and Jefferson customers
always get satisfaction.

I'll clean your suit
again myself the right way.

Free of charge?

Grow up, Willis!

George, I don't mean
to interfere,

but maybe Wendell
deserves a second chance.

Forget it, Weezy.
He's rude, he's obnoxious,
he sh**t off his mouth.

I mean, you don't know
what it's like

constantly being
around a man like that.

I can only imagine.

Well, I'm through
with the dishes.

So if you don't
want nothing' else,

I think
I'm gonna take a nap.

Well, how about that?
Do you wanna get the door?

Let me put it
like this.

Come on in, Wendell.

Yeah, I hope
this won't take long.

You see,
it's my wife's
bridge night

and I made
other plans.

If you know
what I mean.

It won't take long.

Oh, you don't mind
if I smoke, do you?

Well...
Well, good.

Oh, boss,
something hilarious
happened today.

You'll like this.

Old lady MacIntyre
came in to pick up
her cleaning today.

On her way out,
she tripped on that
loose floorboard,

fell on her face,
got her cleaning
all dirty,

had to come right back in to
get it cleaned all over again.

And just think,
you wanted me to fix
that floorboard.

Wendell, Mrs. MacIntyre
is one of my best customers.

Not anymore,
she's suing you.

What?
Don't worry, she's old.

By the time
the case get to court,
she'll be history.

Look, did anything else
happen today that
I should know about?

Not a thing.
Everything's cool.

You got along
with everybody?

Yep. Especially
the part-time counter girl.

If you know
what I mean.

Sit down.

Oh, don't mind if I do.
I could use the rest.

Get your feet
off the table,

my wife wouldn't
appreciate it.

You let her
push you around
like that?

Not me.
My old lady steps
out of line, smack!

That's what she gets
from me.

That makes you feel
like a man?

Usually.

Look, enough with
the small talk, Wendell.

I got a complaint
about you today.

Oh, man!
Let me guess.

The fat blimp
with the jelly stain.

The fat blimp happens
to be a friend of mine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you'd hang around
with a better class
of people.

Wendell...

I don't like getting
complaints about
my employees.

I ain't been getting
no complaints.

Just ask the counter girl.

If you know
what I mean.

You know something,
Wendell?

I don't like you,
if you know what I mean.

I got you.

Look, you're rude
to my customers...
They're idiots!

You're rude
to my employees.
They're idiots.

And you're
even rude to me!

Okay, Wendell, I'm gonna
give it to you straight.

Ain't no easy way
to do this.

I've given you every break,
I've bent over backwards.

I give you a chance,
and you let me down.

So, it's all gonna end
right here. Right now.
It's over!

Well, got anything to say
for yourself?

How do you like that?
I'm trying to fire the guy
and he falls asleep.

Wendell?

Get out. It's over.
It's through.

You're finished.
You are dead.

You are dead.

Hey, hey, Wendell,
look, that was just
a figure of speech.

Wendell! Weezy!

I k*lled him.
I k*lled him, Weez.

From now on, they're gonna
call me George Jefferson,
the Angel of Death.

George,
it wasn't your fault.

You tried to
give him CPR,
but he had a stroke.

The doctors said
there was nothing
you could do.

So you're
not responsible.

Yeah. Maybe Wendell knew
I was gonna fire him.

When he realized
he wouldn't be working for
a great boss like me,

it sucked the life
right out of him.

George, Wendell could
have died anytime.

At work, at home,
on the subway.

Unfortunately,
he died here

on my new couch.

I guess you're right,
Weezy.

It wasn't my fault
what happened to Wendell.

Florence, would you
get the door?

You're closer.

You wanna get fired?
Uh-uh.

After what you did
to Wendell,

I think I'd just retire.

Hello.
Welcome to Boot Hill.

Is Mr. Jefferson in?

Yeah,
I'm George Jefferson.

How do you do?
I'm Fred Thomas.
Wendell's brother.

Oh, yeah.
Hi, how are you?

Look, I'm really sorry
about what happened.

I mean, it was just
the strangest thing.

I mean, one minute
he's sitting on the couch,
talking up a blue streak.

And the next minute
he's lying on the couch.
Just blue!

You have our deepest
sympathies, Mr. Thomas.

And please convey them
to Mrs. Thomas.

Well I will. She's with
Wendell right now.

You mean
she's dead too?

No, I mean she's
at the funeral home,
with his remains.

George was
just telling us today

what a wonderful man
Wendell was.

I was?
I mean, yes, I was.

I'm so glad you feel
that way, Mr. Jefferson,

because I have a favor
I'd like to ask of you.

Go ahead, ask! Anything.
Anything you want,
just ask me.

Would you deliver
the eulogy at
Wendell's funeral?

I mean, I know nobody
likes to do these things,
Mr. Jefferson,

but it would mean a lot
to our family.

Well...

Okay, okay.
Anything for
an old friend.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Uh, the service will be at
Foster's Funeral Home,
Thursday at : .

Okay?
Oh. Okay, fine.

LOUISE: Bye.
Thank you. Goodbye.

Weez, I can't give
no eulogy for Wendell.

What can you say
about a man
you can't stand?

I'd be glad to give you
a few pointers.

Florence, sit down.

Why?

'Cause you're good
at it.

Now, I want you to hear
what I've done so far on
Wendell's eulogy.

"Dearly beloved,

"we are gathered here today

"to bid fine farewell to
Wendell Thomas."

Very good and not too long.

Sit down.

"Wendell ate from the
tree of happiness

"and enjoyed the fruits
of life

"but suddenly his fruits
rotted on the vine."

I'm moved.

Wait, there's more.

"God loaned us Wendell

"but he became an overdue book

"in the library of humanity.

"Why was Wendell called back?

"I don't know.

"Maybe God just had some
reading to do."

Look, Florence, this is not
supposed to be funny,

it's supposed to be sad.

Oh, it's more than sad.

It's pathetic.

Oh, Mr. J,
I found that old eulogy
I told you about.

Oh, great, Bentley,
come on in.

You're a genius, Bentley.
You're incredible!

Yes, I know.

Regina told me the same thing
last night. Woof!

Oh!

Well, let's hear it.

Oh, well, at first I put on
a little soft music,
you see,

then I dimmed the lights,
and took Regina in my
arms, you see.

Bentley.
I'll wait to see the movie.

Just read the eulogy.

Oh, oh. Well, now you
must bear in mind
this is written

several years ago
for my friend Rufus.

So, you see,
I simply substituted
your friend's name for his.

Oh, nice touch.
Yes.

"Friends, we are
gathered here today
to bid our final farewell

"to Wendell's
earthly remains."

Not bad.

"He was a good
and loyal companion
until the last.

"I remember...

"I remember...
I remem..."

Thank you, Mr. J.

I think I can
push on now.

"I remember
the wonderful times
we had together.

"The special moments
we shared.

"The way Wendell
used to smile when
I rubbed his stomach.

"The way he would jump
on my lap,

"lick my hand and, yes,
wag his little tail."

"Wendell..."

Wait a minute,
Bentley. Bentley.

Wendell was a dog,
wasn't he?

Oh no, Mr. J.
Wendell was your manager.

Rufus was a dog.

The door, Bentley.

How's the eulogy coming,
George?

Swell, Weezy.

Why don't you just
write me a note
and say I'm sick?

George,
you have to do this.

It's your duty to
his family and friends.

He didn't have
any friends, Weez.

The man was a bum.
A bum!

There are certain times
when you have to tell
little white lies.

Like when?

Well, for example...

Suppose you
bought me a dress
and I hated it.

I'll tell you I loved it.

Why? Because I wouldn't
want to hurt you.
Understand?

Yeah. You hate
that dress, don't you?

No, George.

I bought you that dress
last year.

You told me
you loved it.

George, I'm just trying
to make a point.

I knew it.
I knew I shouldn't
have bought that dress.

Well, there's
nothing wrong
with the dress.

I paid $ for
that dress!

I don't care
how much... $ !

For this?

See, you hate it!
I knew it. I knew it!

I knew you were
gonna hate the...

George... George!
Forget about the dress.

Now, all you have to do
is stand up and say
a few nice words.

Now, what is the best thing
you can say about Wendell?

Um, he's dead.

No, I meant
character traits.
What was he like?

Well, he cheated
on his wife.

Oh.

Well, when you give
the eulogy,

you can just put that
in a different way.

You can just say
he loved everyone.

That's pretty good,
Weez.

Okay. And he was
a know-it-all.

He was knowledgeable!

He was a loudmouth.

Outspoken.

I gotta hand it
to you, Weez,

you really do know
how to lie.

George, you do
not have laryngitis.

How do you know?

Dearly beloved,
we're gathered here to pay
our final respects to...

Wendell Thomas.

Here with some kind words
about Brother Thomas

is his employer
and close, close friend,

Mr. George Jefferson.

Knock 'em dead, George.
I mean...

Good luck.

Hi.

"As I look
around the room,

"I see many faces
of those near and dear
to Wendell Thomas.

"That's why
I'm especially honored to say
a few words in his memory."

I can't believe
I'm doing this!

"Wendell Thomas was
a wonderful man.

"A vibrant man,
so full of life.

"When you think of Wendell,
so many words come to mind.

"He was knowledgeable,
outspoken,

"and he loved everyone."

There, you happy, Weez?

He touched
everyone he knew.

Especially the part-time
counter girl.

My wife, Louise,
only met Wendell once.

But he left
a strong impression on her.

LOUISE: I can't believe
George paid $
for this dress.

Wendell Thomas was
a family man.

A good provider,

and none of us will
miss him more than
his grieving widow, Yvonne.

Yes, he was
a loving husband.

YVONNE:
He was loving, all right.

Loving every woman he could
get his hands on.

Yes, and let's not forget
his loving brother,

who is holding up so well
at this time of sorrow.

FRED: I never thought
I'd find someone
to do this eulogy.

Fourteen people
turned me down before I found
this son of Jefferson.

Yes, all of our lives are
just a bit emptier with
the loss of this fine man.

And perhaps
it's only fitting tribute

that we pause
for a moment of silence

and look back at the way
Wendell affected our lives.

WOMAN :
He kicked my dog.

MAN :
He owed me bucks!

FRED:
He wrecked my car.

YVONNE:
He cheated on me.

WOMAN :
He cheated on me.

WOMAN :
He cheated on me.

MAN :
Gee, it's nice
and warm in here.

Thank you.

In closing, let me say
that Wendell left his mark
on all of us.

I'm sure we all feel
the same way about
Wendell Thomas.

We'll miss you, Wendell.
You may be gone...

But you're not forgotten.
If you know what I mean.

Oh, that was lovely,
George.

Yeah, Weezy,
but I felt like
a hypocrite up there.

It taught me
something though.

You want people to say
something nice about you
when you're dead,

you gotta do nice things
when you're alive.

You're right, George.

But I think your words
were a real comfort
to his family and friends.

You said
such beautiful words.
Just beautiful.

Thank you.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR:
Ah, another funeral
and another bucks.