01x14 - Independence Day

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Hey, Sis.

You Going Somewhere?

No. I Spent The Weekend
At Cockroach's House.

You Didn't Even Notice
I Was Gone.

But Welcome Home.

Come See Something
In My Room.

I Hate Going In There.

I Cleaned It Up.

It DoesLook Better.

What's Up?

This.

Theo, An Earring!

Shh!

I Had It Done
Friday After School.

That's Great!
It Looks Fantastic!

It Says I'm Old Enough
To Make My Own Decisions.

Your Ear Looks Red.

If I Want To Put
An Earring In My Ear

That's My Business.

It Looks Puffy.

When People See This

They'll Know They're
Dealing With A Man!

Let Dad Look At It.

Let Who?

Ooo!

I Think
It's Infected.

It Is?

Where Was It Done?

In Cockroach's Garage.

You Let Cockroach
Pierce Your Ear?

I'm Not Crazy.

It Was His Sister,
Tootsie.

Tootsie's In Junior High School.

She Does This On The Side

And She Only Charges Cents.

If Dad Doesn't Look At It,
It Will Get Worse.

This Is Just An Ear.

If Dad Finds Out,
My Whole Body's In Danger.

I Didn't Say You
Could Come In Here.

I Don't Want To.

What Are You Doing Here?

Denise Is Here.

If You Are In Theo's Room,
Something Is Up.

Nothing's Up, Vanessa.

Okay, But You Know
I'll Find Out Anyway.

I Have My Ways.

Cliff!

Yo!

Just Having A Little Taste.

This Pie Is For Your Parents.

My Folks Won't Notice.

They Did Last Time.

How?

When We Cut Into It,
It Was Hollow.

My Folks Aren't
Coming Here To Eat.

They're Coming
To Spoil The Children.

What Do You Expect?
They're Grandparents.

Right. Grandparents.

These Are Not The Same
People I Grew Up With.

They're The
Biggest Hypocrites
You've Ever Seen.

My Father Comes In,
Goes Into His Pocket

Pulls Out
A Handful Of Money.

"Let's See If
Granddad Has Any Money

For These
Wonderful Children."

This Is The Same Man...

When I Was His Child,
I Would Ask Him For Fifty Cents.

The Man Would Tell Me
His Life Story.

This Man Would Tell Me
How At Age Five

He Woke Up : Every Morning.

Had No Alarm Clock,
Had No Rooster

Just A Sense Of Responsibility.

Oh, Cliff.

No, My
Father

Found A Job Milking o Cows.

The Man He Worked For
Had No Bucket.

So He Had To Squirt The Milk
Into His Hand

Walk Eight Miles...

Through Snow Up To Here...

And My Mother
Is The Same Way, Too.

She's One Of
The Sweetest People I Know.

I Didn't Say She Wasn't Sweet

But This Woman
Comes Over Here To The House

Kisses Every Child--

"Just Come In
And Kiss Your Grandmother.

"You're The Most
Beautiful Children

On The Face Of This Earth."

But When I
Was Her Child

All This Woman Ever Wanted To Do
Was Take A Stick

And Ask God
To Give Her Enough Strength

So She Could Knock Us Somewhere.

To This Day

I Still Don't Know
Where "Kingdom Come" Is.

All She Is,
As Far As I'm Concerned

Is An Old Person
Trying To Get Into Heaven Now.

Daddy.

Yeah, Dear?

What Would You Do

If Someone You Loved
Swore You To Secrecy

But Keeping That Secret

Might Not Be Good
For That Person?

Is The Person
Sworn To Secrecy
In This Family?

Yeah.

Is The Secrecy Juicy?

Yeah.

Tell It.

If I Tell You

This Person
Will Hate Me Forever.

You Have To,
For Their Own Good.

I'll Give You A Clue.

That Way, You'll Figure It Out
For Yourselves.

A Clue?

Earlobes.

Earlobes!

What About Earlobes?

All I'm Saying Is

Does Everybody In This House
Have Two Healthy Earlobes?

(Knocking)

Who Is It?

Dad.

Hold On.

Okay, Come In.

What's Happening, Dad?

♪ Never Gonna Clean It Up ♪

♪ No Matter How Messy It Gets ♪

♪ You're Never
Gonna Clean It Up ♪

Son?

Yeah, Dad?

There's No Music
Coming Through The Headset.

You Still Bopping To
What's Left In Your Brain?

Take The Headset Off.

Now?

Is There Any Reason
Why You Shouldn't Take Them Off?

Okay.

Guys Sure Can
Get Up, Huh?

Yeah.

Denise Told You, Right?

Told Me What?

About This.

Is That A Decal?

Have You Been Tagged
By The Wildlife Society?

It's An Earring.

There's A Hole Through My Ear.

Denise Says
It Might Be Infected.

Well, She's Right.

It Is Infected.

Come On.

What Are You
Going To Do To Me?

I Am Going To
Fix Your Ear.

Then What?

You Expecting
Some Sort Of Punishment?

Shouldn't I?

Yeah.

Can't We Do This
Someplace Else?

Why?

Because This Place
Is For Pregnant Women.

I Have Four Daughters
And A Son

And Somehow I Thought

You Would Be The One
Without The Earring.

Why Did You Do It?

To Kids Today

It's Sort Of
A Sign Of Independence.

Who's The Girl?

Huh?

Who's The Girl?

Eunice Baker.

You Love Her?

I Like Her.

She Said I'd Look Good
With An Earring.

And So Now You Could Wind Up
With Half A Head

Because Of
The Infection.

That's All Right, Son

Because What I Have
In Store For You

Is Going To Be Just Wonderful.

What's That?

I Imagine
He Should Be Here For Dinner

In Another Five Minutes.

Not Grandpa.

Oh, Yes.

Oh, Yes.

And Grandpa Is Going To Love
To Hear About This

Because Your Grandfather Is Like
"The National Enquirer"--

He Loves To Hear
The Untold Story.

Maybe He Won't Notice.

I've Fixed That Also,
My Boy.

We're Going
To Make It

So He Will See It
Really Good.

You're Not Going
To Make This Easy.

I Could Have Put Your
Whole Head In A Sling.

(♪Singing A Dirge♪)

There Are My Boys!

Take Your Time Getting To Me.

When I Travel On

You'll Be Sorry
You Didn't Spend...

More Time With
Your Mother, Yes.

Owww!

Are You Still Delivering
All The Babies In Town?

Yep.

Heathcliff.

Yes, Ma'am.

How Was The Trip Over?

Fine, Until We Had To Park.

I Said I Would Pay For
Parking In The Garage.

At $ . An Hour? No, Sir.

I Found A Large,
Perfectly Legal Spot

Less Than A Mile From Here.

By Coming In Early

Planting Himself
At The Head Of The Block

And Then Waiting
For Somebody To Pull Out.

Where Are You
Going, Son?

Come Over Here

And Say Hello
To Your Granddad.

He Didn't Say Hello
To Me, Either.

Hi, Grandma.

Hi.

Hey, Grandpa.

What Happened
To Your Ear?

I Walked Into A Door.

I Do That Sometimes Myself.

Go Help Mom.

Grandma, Do You
Want To Come?

Sure.

Excuse Us.

Excuse Us.

What Really Happened
To Your Ear, Son?

I Walked Into A Door.

Come On.

I Heard That Old
"Walked Into A Door" Line

From Your Dad Back In ' .

I Got My Ear Pierced.

On Purpose?

Absolutely.

Your Grandson Was Told By A Girl

That He Would Look Good
In An Earring.

So He Went To...
Where Did You Go?

Cockroach's Garage.

Cockroach's Garage,
And Had His Ear Pierced By...

What Is The Name Of The Person?

It Was His Sister, Tootsie.

His Sister, Tootsie.

Who Probably Lined Him Up
Against The Wall

And Threw A Javelin At Feet.

I Get The Picture.

All Right, Then.

I'll Just Let You
Handle The Good Part.

I Won't Come Down
Hard On The Boy.

You Won't?

Young Men In Love
Do Crazy Things.

When Your Father...

Uh, Dad...

No, No, No.

It's Good For Him.

It Will Make Him
Feel Better.

I'm Not Interested
In Him Feeling Better, Okay?

Sit Down.

When Your Father...

Dad...

...Was

He And His Friend,
Lex Thompson--

A Boy Who Was Left Back Twice...

Decided They Would
Straighten Their Own Hair

In Lex's Cellar.

What?

That's Very Interesting.

It All Started

When He Took A Pretty Young Lady
To The Old Earl Theater

And Saw A Group Called
"The Icicles" With Breezy Brown.

Breezy Brown
Had Straightened His Hair.

Most Singers Straightened
Their Hair Back Then.

Your Father's Date Went Wild.

Right Then,
He Decided

He Would Lose Her

If He Didn't
Straighten His Hair.

You Did That For A Girl?

One Particular Girl.

In Those Days, People Used
To Straighten Their Hair With

A Solution Called Conkalene.

It Cost Money

And Your Father Was Flat Broke

So He And Lex
Mixed Up Their Own Solution--

Potato Peels, Corn Syrup,
And A Touch Of Nitroglycerin.

This Man,
A Future Doctor

Had It Poured Slowly

Over His Head.

What Happened?

It Burned All My Hair.
It Wasn't That Bad.

He Shot Out Of There
Like A Bolt

Pushed Lex's Dog Aside

And Stuck His Head
In The Dog's Water Dish.

You Must Have Liked ThatGirl.

Whatever Happened To Her?

She's In The Kitchen Now.

You Burned All The Hair
Off Your Head For Mom?

Oh, My God!

Let Him Be.

Guess What?

One Of These Days

You're Going To
Need Some Money.

In That Case,
Would You Tell Her?

It Would Be
My Pleasure.

Clair?

What Is The Craziest Thing
That A Certain Young Man--

I'm Not Naming Any Names--
Did To Impress You?

You Mean When Cliff Tried
To Straighten His Hair?

Daddy Did That
For You?

He Tried,
But It All Fell Out.

Thank You Very Much.

You Remember That
Kind Of Fondly?

I'll Never Forget It.

Theo, For The
Love Of A Young Lady

Has Done Something
Foolish Himself.

Promise You
Won't Get Mad.

Okay, I Promise.

He Pierced His Ear.

I'll k*ll Him.

Wait A Minute!

He Made
A Mistake.

He's A Lot
Like His Father.

Many's The Time
I've Pulled Him Out Of Trouble.

But I Was Patient And
Understanding And Tolerant...

How Could You Tell
A Story Like That?

When Heathcliff Came Home
With A Sizzling Scalp

You Were Not
Very Understanding

Especially Considering The
Matter Of A Certain Tattoo.

Tattoo?

Let's Eat.

What Tattoo?

Dinner Won't Be Ready
For A While.

I'll Have
Some Cheese.

I Really
Don't Think

That Is An
Appropriate Issue

To Discuss In Front
Of The Family.

When Your Father
Was Theodore's Age

He Was Enamored Of Me
To Such An Extent

That He Had My Name
Tattooed Across His Chest.

He Did What?

When I Heard
What He'd Done

I Was Enormously
Flattered

Until I Saw
My Name Was Misspelled.

As I Understood It,
He Went To

The Best Tattoo Man
In The County--

"Hot Needle" Harris.

It Was The Middle Of February,
And Russell Had A Terrible Cold

So When He Went To "Hot Needle"
And Told Him To Write "Anna"

His Nose Was Clogged Up,
And It Sounded Like "Adda"--

A-D-D-A.

My Chief Rival Then
For Russell's Affection

Was A Girl Named
Adda Mae Ward.

Oh, No!

She Was A
Little Girl

Who Lived Down The Road

And Thought The Sun Didn't Shine
Until She Woke Up.

Of Course, I Insisted
That He Remove The Tattoo

And That Left A Scar

On His
Chest.

You Told Me

That You Got That Scar
In World w*r Two...

Fighting Off A German
n*zi Panzer Attack.

That Was The Best Way
I Could Think Of

To Describe What I Went Through
When Anna Saw That Tattoo.

I'm Shocked.

You Huxtable
Men Are Crazy.

Yes.

But We Always Get Our Women.

But Not Because Of
The Things You Do--

Despite Them.

Theodore, Welcome
To The Club.

The Three Huxtable Men--

Scar-Chest, Skinhead,
And Hole-In-The-Lobe.