01x09 - The Effete Angler

[bunniefuu]

(Ship's horn)

You know, some people
don't like Miami.

They talk about this year's hotel
with next year's prices

and last year's food.

But for me, there's no place like it.

There's water-skiing, fishing,
swimming, sailing,

a climate that's...

Er...

You know, she didn't catch that fish.

It leapt into the boat and said,
"Honey, adopt me!"

Go fishing with her,
you don't need bait.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes...

He)', Dan!

Dan Morrow! Dan, nice to see you.

How's the famous scoundrel-chasing,
criminal-catching Simon Templar?

You mean you came to Miami Beach
to go fishing? No banks to rob?

- Hmm?
- No bank robberies, no criminals?

- You sound disappointed.
- There's been a jump in smuggling.

Don't look at me, I'm on vacation.

Where's this charter boat captain?

That's Patsy O'Kevin -
skipper of the Colleen.

Come on down and meet him.

Hiya, Patsy.

- How's the old sea dog?
- Still getting my feet wet.

To what do I owe the honour
of a visit from the coastguard?

I've a friend who's looking for you.

- Have you now?
- Simon Templar, Patsy O'Kevin.

The man people call the Saint?

Amongst other things, yes.

- Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.
- Nice meeting you.

- This lazy no-gooder's my mate, Des.
- Hi, Des.

Why is Simon Templar looking for
a God-fearing charter boat captain?

I want to go fishing,
over Bimini way.

- That all?
- Isn't that enough?

Mighty sorry I am not to be able
to oblige you.

I'm booked up for three weeks.

- Not one free day?
- Afraid not.

Not until after the end of the month.

Been booked by a couple
named Uckrose.

Try Captain Ducher out of Fort
Lauderdale. He's a good skipper.

- Thanks all the same.
- Before you go, have a beer with me.

- We accept.
- Greatest of pleasure.

- Where are you staying?
- Vista Del Mar.

Are you now? That's a coincidence.

My clients are staying there, too.

Well, at least the wife is.

(Phone)

Hello?

Hello, Patsy.

Simon Templar?
Here at the Vista Del Mar?

Well, whoever said Miami was dull
in the summer?

Thanks, Patsy. Bye.

(# Jazz on piano)

(Simon) Don't!

It's a sin to desecrate
a work of art.

Why, thank you. You're the man that
was at Patsy O'Kevin's boat earlier.

- Yes. My name's Simon Templar.
- Mine's Gloria Uckrose.

- I know.
- How?

I saw you getting mail at the desk.
I asked the clerk.

- Why?
- Take another look in the mirror.

If you're not going to ask me to sit,
I'll ask you to join me at the bar.

Would you? I'd rather be at the bar

but they don't serve
unescorted ladies.

Ma'am.

Perfect timing, madam.
I just finished it.

- What's that?
- A frozen daiquiri.

I'll have the same.

That's what I thought.

I made two.

What shall we drink to?

If you can bear it, an early dinner.
I'm absolutely famished.

To an early dinner...
and a late night.

(# Slow jazz - saxophone and piano)

It must be very late.

- Let's not think about the time.
- I'm afraid I have to.

I have to be up at seven.

- Oh? Why?
- Patsy's taking me to Bimini.

- It's a nice spot.
- Like it?

I love it.

- What are you doing in Miami?
- A vacation, some fishing.

Nothing in particular?

I was planning on renting Patsy's
boat but you beat me to it.

So I was told.
It's a pretty big boat.

Mm-hm?

Would you like to come
with me to Bimini?

Anywhere.

- (Ian you get up early?
- The crack of dawn.

I think I ought to tell you
I have a husband in Bimini.

I'm broad-minded.

- You are?
- I think about nothing else.

- There you are, Mr Templar.
- Thanks, Des.

Now we can relax and enjoy the
morning. The rest is up to the fish.

You make it seem so easy.

My husband fusses
from the minute he comes on board.

Maybe fishing is not his sport.

He worries about everything.
He's a very nervous man.

Hey! There's a marlin out there!

I don't think he sees the bait.

He sees it all right. He's
smelling it. He's being cautious.

- He's got it!
- Not yet.

He thinks it's alive.
He wants to k*ll it.

Now he's drifting back
to find out what happened.

(Simon) Now!

You've hooked him! Play him as gently
as if you had him tied to a cobweb.

Me and my colleague will do the rest!

Never knew it was so much work.

The work's just beginning.

The fish hooked himself.
Landing him's up to Patsy and me.

Sweet mother of mercy!

That's the biggest marlin
these eyes ever hope to see!

This sounds silly,
but can't you just reel him in?

Reel in a fighting fish weighing
pounds on a "SS-thread line?

He'd break it in a second.

If he can snap it, why doesn't he?

The fish doesn't know
it's a "SS-thread line.

All he knows is he wants to get away.

Never resist his pull with any more
pressure than the line will stand.

How long will this take?

That depends on the fish.

- What's the time?
- Getting worried?

It's getting late, and my husband
has a fixation about punctuality.

Watch him, Mr Templar,
he's running this way.

Reverse!
The line's in our propellers!

See what I mean about
snapping a "SS-thread line?

- What happened?
- There's no one to blame but myself.

Would you be kind and cut my throat
before you throw me to the sharks?

- Forget it, Patsy.
- What happened?

I fumbled throwing the clutches
going from reverse.

He went under the boat,
the line fouled the propellers.

Simon, my boy, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's just as well. Mrs Uckrose
is getting worried about the time.

We're further from Bimini now
than when we left Miami.

Clinton is going to be furious!

She's over three hours late!
Something's gone wrong.

- Do you hear me, Vincent?
- I hear you, Mr Uckrose.

Well, say something!
Suggest something!

Call the Miami police
and have them send out an alarm.

Vincent, I am very sick.
Stop agitating me.

Stop agitating yourself.
I'm just as worried.

But there is nothing we can do until
we know the score. So calm down.

You're driving me nuts.
Have a drink.

- Drinking is bad for my ulcer.
- Worrying is bad for your heart.

Waiter!

Bring me a double Scotch
and a large glass of milk, mixed.

Very good, sir.

Isn't milk bad for your liver?

You can't see Bimini harbour
until you're practically in it.

Don't tell me, I saw it.
She's finally rounding the point.

I knew you were getting all
worked up for nothing.

What the...?
She must be out of her mind.

- Now what?
- She's got someone with her - a man!

Let me have a look.

You can't trust any of them, can you?

She'd better have a good story,
that's all.

Just a minute, Vincent! This is
my problem and I'll handle it myself!

- OK, Patsy, she's all tied off.
- You'd make a fine first mate.

If that's an offer I might accept!

Maybe I'd better explain
to your husband.

Please don't. You don't know him.

(Uckrose) Gloria!

Do you realise you are
four hours late?

What were you doing?
Who the devil is this?

If you'll calm down, darling,
I'll explain.

Don't "darling" me!

And don't expect me to be calm

after waiting all day
in the blazing heat!

What were you doing on my boat?

Mr Uckrose, that is not your boat.

It is as long as I'm paying for it.

- I'm not paying for it for you!
- In that case, you be my guest.

I demand a full explanation!

Get your hands off Mr Uckrose, buddy!

(Screams)

- Where is your man?
- Taking a bath. Don't you knock?

Since when did you worry about that?

You're being a bore.

Don't give me that phony routine.

Come on, baby, unfreeze.

Take your hands off me!

He'll be out in a minute.

You sure it's him
you're worrying about?

You are a fool, Vincent.

Ah, Vincent! I'm glad you dropped in,
I want to have a chat with you.

Well, I want a drink.
See you downstairs.

What's the matter with her?

Vincent, we made
a terrible blunder today.

- We did?
- Yes, you and I.

We nearly ruined everything.

You mean that character
Gloria brought back?

That character, Vincent,
is Simon Templar...

the Saint.

If you're sure of it, Uckrose,
let's get rid of him.

That may not be easy.
He's a tough customer.

He doesn't scare me. Next time
I'll know how to handle him.

There won't be a next time!
Don't be idiotic!

What's idiotic about getting the guy?

It's dangerous, we don't need it.

We can get out of here
before he knows what's going on.

- Maybe he knows already.
- Maybe, maybe not.

Let's find out before we go off
half-cock. Come on.

Mr Templar. Could you possibly excuse
my outrageous behaviour,

if I can explain what brought it on?

- You were sore.
- I was in agony.

- I'm a very sick man...
- Have a drink and let bygones be.

Only if you agree to have dinner
with us.

I'd love to.

- What'll you have?
- I'd like one of those.

A large glass of milk
and a double Scotch, mixed.

Very good, sir.

I insist on explaining.
It was so hot this morning,

and I was so worried about my wife.

Mr Uckrose, we all get overheated
at times. At least no one was k*lled.

- By the way, who was that fellow?
- Vincent lnnutio. Vincent is...

- Thanks. Cheers.
- Cheers.

Awful stuff. I need the milk
for my ulcers.

Oh, Vincent. Yes.
He's a kind of an assistant to me.

In Europe he drives my car,
supervises my staff...

- We live in Monte Carlo.
- What are you doing over here?

We come every summer for the fishing.

That's quite a trip.
Does Vincent always come?

No, this is the first time.

I suppose when he hasn't got servants
to supervise he gets restless.

Please don't misjudge him

on the basis of
an unfortunate incident.

Under that rough exterior
he's rather sweet.

He is quick-tempered.
That's his Italian blood.

He can be fiercely loyal,
and a devoted friend.

All right, I'm sold on Vincent.

Where is he
so we can kiss and make up?

He'll join us for dinner.
He's probably getting dressed.

Or dried.

Bimini's got one big advantage.

In Monte Carlo, I work.
Here, I'm on vacation...

- "practically.
- I think I've seen Vincent before.

I get around, Mr Templar. One end
of Monte Carlo to the other...

when he lets me off the leash.

I was thinking of
somewhere closer to home.

- Ever been to Chicago?
- I've never even been to the States.

Where did you pick up the accent?

Yeah, I picked it up
from the Gls in Naples.

But the words I picked up!

I had to study the language for years
to find out which words NOT to use!

It's been a lovely evening
but I'm afraid it's bedtime for us.

I want to get out early
in the morning. Come on, Vincent.

I never go to bed early,
but if you feel like turning in...

Three gentlemen,
and not one cares how I feel.

How do you feel?

I'd like another brandy.

Do you mind my keeping
your wife company?

Of course I mind, but Vincent
and I must get some sleep.

Just don't stay up too late.

- Promise.
- Good night, Templar.

- Good night.
- Come on, Vincent.

Why is everybody suddenly
so cooperative?

It's not cooperation,
it's exhaustion. He's very tired.

Waiter, two more brandies.

He's not the type
I'd have imagined for you.

- Is he better or worse.
- Both.

He's a very kind man, and unusually
intelligent. But he's such a worrier.

Do you know why we live
in Monte Carlo?

- Don't tell me, he's a gambler.
- Clinton? He's never taken a chance.

He picked Monte Carlo because it's
legal there not to pay income tax.

You sound annoyed.

I'm not annoyed, I'm bored.

All right, then.
What shall we drink to?

Not to be bored.

For just a little while.

You're imagining things.

I didn't imagine
that crack about Chicago.

- It doesn't mean anything.
- Not to you.

Because it's my neck
that's in the sling.

Get this straight, Vincent. If your
neck is in any sling, so is mine.

The same applies
the other way around.

Why don't we get rid of him?
I'll do it.

Because it involves unnecessary risk,
the one thing I've always avoided.

This operation is foolproof,
I've spent years working on it.

Let's not wreck it by panicking.

With luck, we can be out of here in a
couple of days and forget about him.

By next year,
he'll have forgotten about us.

Supposing he catches on
before we're out?

If that happens...

we'll handle him your way.

I really must go.

Good night, Gloria.

I like you.

The feeling's mutual.

It's no good pretending
I'm a devoted wife.

But you are a wife.

I know. I'm sorry,
I threw myself at you.

Good night, Simon.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Like a beer, Mrs Uckrose?

No, thanks, Des. You have one.

(Groaning from cabin)

Lots of people get seasick.

Gloria!

GLORIA, COME HERE!

(Uckrose) Gloria...

(Sighs)

Gloria?

Gloria, come here!

- I'm dying.
- It's as calm as a mill pond.

Tell Patsy to turn back.

But we've only been out an hour.

TELL PATSY TO GO BACK TO BIMINI!

- Patsy, I'm sorry...
- I heard him. All Bimini heard him!

_ UK, Patsy'?
_ “Ye, away YOU (Am

- Morning, Patsy.
- Simon, you're welcome. Come aboard.

I'm proud to shake the hand

that knocked that spaghetti merchant
into the drink.

You can ask for anything,
except the Colleen.

- I'll settle for a can of beer.
- With Uckrose for a client,

my locker looks like a brewery!

If only you'd knocked him
into the water.

- Rough morning?
- He's no fisherman, Simon.

All he'll use is the heaviest tackle,
so all he has to do is haul it in.

If I had a derrick and a winch
he'd use that.

What's more, he'd get seasick
in a bathtub.

- Was Vincent along?
- Yeah.

- What do you know about him?
- I don't like the cut of his jib.

- Somehow he doesn't fit in.
- How do you mean?

- I don't know.
- You think they're up to something?

There's something crooked.

- Crooked?
- It's just a hunch.

It's funny how a man with a guilty
conscience gives himself away.

I came here to catch a few fish.

They're acting
as if I wanted to catch them.

- How?
- Little lies, contradictions.

- What are they trying to cover up?
- Oh, I'd have no idea.

But you might get a hint
from the glorious Gloria.

She's getting tired of Uckrose.

Only today she was saying how bored
she is with his fishing.

But he won't have me take her out
alone if it's too rough for him.

What do you mean?

A woman as ready for trouble
as that one

could be interesting
in more ways than one.

Patsy, all I am interested in now
is an early lunch and a siesta.

I'm not used to this hard life
of Loafing. I'm exhausted!

Thanks for the beer.

So long, Simon.

(Knocking)

I wondered if you'd care to join me
for a swim.

I'd love to join you for a swim.

I'll meet you in five minutes.

I'll settle for just joining.

Why don't you shut the door?

What about your husband?
He mightn't understand.

- He might burst in with a revolver.
- And sh**t you?

He'd probably be acquitted.

He had three double daiquiris.
He's snoring his head off.

- What room do you have?
- Twenty.

Would you think me unduly nervous if
I went and listened to this snoring?

- Go ahead.
- In that case, I won't.

What if Vincent notices something
he thinks Clinton should know about?

He had Dramamine on the boat.

He could hardly keep his eyes open
during lunch.

It's nice to know someone
who's so wide awake.

It's nice to know someone...
who's so nice.

- Simon, I'm leaving him.
- Oh?

I wonder why I married him.

He's dull and drab and jealous.
He's suspicious of everyone, even me.

I can see how that would make life
uncomfortable.

You're so different, so strong.

You're a man.

Oh, Simon, this has happened so fast!

Yes.

I've fallen in love with you.
I...just can't help it.

I've asked Clinton for a divorce. I
said I was going to Nassau tomorrow.

Oh, Simon, come with me, please!

- I know it's impossible.
- Why?

Remember when we arrived together?
If we leave together...

Wait...there must be a charter plane
service in Miami.

Yes, on the MacArthur Causeway.

There could be a plane here
in an hour.

You could say you've gone to Miami,
then after you've taken off...

- Say I've changed my mind.
- And fly on to Nassau.

- Where you'd meet me tomorrow?
- Yes, Simon.

Clinton will never guess
we're going to meet. Please!

Angel, you've got a deal.

Will you stop fussing? I've told you,
everything is under control.

- What makes you so sure?
- You should know.

- You think he believed you?
- I can be pretty convincing.

As we all know only too well.

Whose idea was it?

- (Plane overhead)
- Listen!

- See it?
- No.

There it is.

Congratulations.
I didn't think he'd fall for it.

Now that Mr Templar is out of
the way, we can get down to business.

Patsy!

- Oh, it's yourself, Simon.
- Still swiping Uckrose's beer?

You'll keep quiet
if I share the spoils?

It's a deal.

- Thanks, Patsy.
- What's with the suitcase?

- Not deserting us, are you?
- Let's go below. I'll explain.

After yourself.

- Where's Des?
- Spending the night with friends.

- Here. Your good health.
- Thanks.

Well, did you talk to Gloria?

Yes. She wants me to meet her
in Nassau tomorrow.

Ah! When are you leaving?

I'm not.

What?! You're turning down
that glorious, gorgeous dish?

Not exactly.
She wants me to meet her in Nassau

but she has no intention of going.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

It was beautifully handled.

I had to go ahead because
if she left first I might not follow.

Why pull a dirty trick like that?

To get me out of Bimini peacefully.

What in the name of heavens for?

For fear of what I might find out.

Do you know of anything
they're doing wrong?

Not at the moment.

But they're up to something,

otherwise they wouldn't go
to all this trouble.

Panic and a guilty conscience make
people put ropes around their necks.

Is it wise to credit them
with all sorts of wickedness

when really they're just
a bit soft in the head?

Patsy, they're up to something,
I know it.

(Footsteps)

There's someone coming.
You sit tight.

Oh, it's you, Mr lnnutio.

Mr Uckrose wants the boat ready
at am.

It'll be ready any time he is.

The hotel will pack a lunch,
you needn't bother.

You'll warn him about
his delicate stomach?

(lnnutio) And he doesn't like
your jokes.

All the more reason for telling them.
Now, if you'll excuse me.

You can relax. He's gone.

If they're doing something illegal,
I'd better drop them as clients,

before I get caught in their schemes.

No, you stick with them.
You may be able to help.

How could a simple sailor be of help
to a man of your own trade?

- I want them to think I went.
- Why?

If they know I'm here they may take
drastic methods to get rid of me.

You know a place I can sleep
for the night?

I think I know the place. A nice room
in a house run by a friend.

Come on, Simon, we'll show
the conniving snakes a thing or two.

This is my only vacancy, number five.

- This suit you, Simon?
- It's fine.

- Thank you very much.
- I'm in number three if you need me.

Breakfast is . to . .

- Thank you. Good night.
- Good night, sir.

Well, it's not fancy, but it's clean.

What's more, it's well off
the beaten track.

Keep an eye on them, will you?

Don't worry, I'll report everything.

- Good night, Simon.
- See you tomorrow.

Right. Sleep well.

- It's after midnight.
- So?

Vincent should have been back
an hour ago.

- What do you want me to do about it?
- Nothing, you had your chance.

Mr Templar apparently found
no difficulty resisting your charms.

Just for the record, I've no
difficulty in resisting your charms.

Tranquillisers!
You eat them like popcorn.

If you had my nerves
you'd understand.

Any more tranquil
and you'll be paralysed!

Stop needling me!
This is a delicate operation!

All I get from you is complaints!
All I get from Vincent is mistakes!

He'll be back.

Vincent is an hour late
and a Neapolitan idiot.

- OK, sir.
- Mm-hm.

Mr lnnutio, your position is highly
delicate. I suggest you cooperate.

Drop dead.

- Where's your passport?
- A little bird has it.

Have you a permit for this g*n?

You fired it four times, thinking
you were aiming at Mr Templar. Why?

I'm not answering any questions
till I see a lawyer.

Take him. Tell the Inspector there'll
be a charge of attempted m*rder.

Now, I should like to know
what's behind all this.

- The Uckroses are smuggling.
- Smuggling what?

Something a man could carry easily
from Europe to Nassau.

That could be anything. Bahamian
customs are casual with Americans.

It has to be small and valuable
so it can be taken on a charter boat,

which would only get a casual
going-over coming back from Bimini.

I would say...
probably narcotics or jewellery.

That's a problem of interest
only to the US customs.

- It's also of interest to me.
- Why?

Laughing boy took four sh*ts at me.

Apart from that I have a friend
in the US Coast Guard.

That's up to you.

The only item within my jurisdiction
is this attempt on your life.

How long has this Vincent
worked for Uckrose?

- No idea.
- Do you think he was under orders?

- I'm sure of it.
- I'll fetch Uckrose in.

Good idea.
I'll take care of Mrs Uckrose.

Something's gone wrong,
I can feel it.

- Well, brains, think of something.
- We'll leave first thing tomorrow.

- What about the shipment?
- We'll have to take it back.

But we're nearly broke.

Pff! Which do you prefer,
poverty or prison?

- Do you think Vincent's been caught?
- If he has, we'll deny everything.

We'll hang it all on him.

When the police find out
he was deported from Chicago,

they'll believe us.

(Knocking)

- Are you Mr Clinton Uckrose?
- Yes, I am.

Superintendent Marsh. Nassau police.

(Uckrose) ls, er, something wrong?

- I'd like you to come to police HQ.
- Why?

- I want to ask you some questions.
- Ask them here.

- I don't intend to.
- But it's three in the morning!

I'm aware of the time.
If I haven't made myself clear,

I'm arresting you.

That's ridiculous! On what charge?

Conspiracy, with intent to m*rder.
Please don't waste my time.

This is a complete nonsense!

I've been here with my wife
all evening!

I don't want to use force,
Mr Uckrose.

Will you come, please?

I'd like to put on a shirt.

That's not necessary.

We're fairly informal
at headquarters.

I'll be back.

Not tonight, I'm afraid.

- Patsy, wake up!
- Ooh! Mrs Uckrose!

- I want to go to Miami now.
- It's the middle of the night!

The Colleen is chartered on a -hour
basis. I want to cast off now.

Will you get out of here?!
Let me get on my clothes!

Well, hurry up, then.

Gloria.

Stowing away on a boat this size
is difficult, but I managed.

You frightened the wits out of me.

Me frighten you?
When you love me so much?

- I-I'll tell Patsy you're on board.
- No, you won't.

I've got to hand it to you,
it was beautifully done.

- Well, almost.
- Simon, what are you talking about?

Your first big mistake,
it was in Miami.

You were too friendly, too fast.

Your guilty conscience wouldn't let
you accept the simple fact

that I truly wanted to go to Bimini
for the fishing.

You thought I was on
the trail of this racket.

- What racket? You must be dreaming.
- Oh, no, I'm mad.

I get kind of annoyed
when people start sh**ting at me.

In fact, even thinking about it
makes my blood boil.

Why don't we go upstairs
where it's cooler?

Simon, how did you get on board?

Through the fire hatch
while you were asleep.

- What's going on?
- He's got some idea we're smugglers.

- Simon, surely you're joking.
- I'm not.

This is my boat
and I've a right to know!

You're right, Patsy.
Brother Vincent tried to k*ll me.

Why, that double-dealing
son of a m*rder*r! Why?

That's what the police are trying
to find out.

They've got Vincent and Mr Uckrose.

No! This true?

If it is, I don't know
anything about it.

The Uckroses were using the Colleen
to sneak contraband into the States?

- They weren't peddling it in Bimini.
- How could they get it on my boat?

In their pockets.
You never search anyone.

- He's crazy!
- I'll thank you to go below.

Simon Templar's not a man
to accuse people unjustly.

I might have expected it.

I knew they were the kind I'd like
to be rich enough to turn down.

Patsy, it takes all kinds.

Miami in half an hour.

Yeah.

- Morning.
- There's some coffee if you want it.

And k*ll the effect
of all this whisky?

I'll get you a beer.

Hey, this one's higher than Everest!

- DON'T!
- Why not? It's way over the hill.

- It's mine!
- What are you going to do with it?

- We've got a trophy room at home...
- This in a trophy room?

PATSY!

Patsy, you really insist
on giving yourself away.

When Dan Morrow told you
I was looking for you,

you went as white as a sheet.

You couldn't believe I wanted
to go to Bimini for the fishing.

Now you try to climb me at the worst
psychological moment.

Go on, take us on to Miami.

Judging from the lump in his gullet
I'd say he died from indigestion.

I think maybe we should conduct
a little post-mortem.

We ll, we ll.

My darling, your fishing days
are over for a while.

You won't mind if I hand these over
to Dan Morrow, will you?

What's the matter, Gloria?
Are you mad at me?

I get it. "Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned," is that it?

You see, I couldn't very well take
what you were offering so generously.

I had to behave like a gentleman

because you were going to be
handed over to the US Coastguard.

In fact, in the face
of irresistible temptation,

I really behaved like a saint!