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02x18 - The Boyfriend

Posted: 04/26/23 17:38
by bunniefuu
(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: This
is Convent San Tanco,

an oasis of tranquility,
a haven of harmony,

and right now the home
of the 48-hour virus.

I was the first casualty.

To be followed in feverish
order by Sister Ana,

and right down the
alphabet to Sister Zorina.

Only one of us was
miraculously spared.

Doing double duty at triple
time, she did the laundry,

KP duty,

and fetched the provisions.

The 48-hour virus
left on schedule

and we sisters
were fully recovered.

But Sister Bertrille ended up
suffering from nervous exhaustion.

Senor Garcia, manager
of the Hotel Palomar,

is a generous
patron of the convent,

and the Reverend Mother
made arrangements with him

for Sister Bertrille to take a long
weekend of rest and relaxation.

I came along as her companion.

What's a six-letter word
meaning penurious?

Penurious. What
does penurious mean?

Oh, stingy.

How about stingy?

Why didn't I think
of that? S-T-I-N-G-Y.

You're looking
your old self again.

Well, the thing I like about this
vacation is not looking my old self.

Hmm? I mean, I
love wearing the habit

but sometimes it's
nice to be anonymous.

Good morning, Sisters.

Good morning. Good morning.

JACQUELINE: Pardon me, sir.

How did you know we were nuns?

You don't recognize me?

I'm Bishop Diaz of San Rafael.

Oh, how are you?

I tell you, Randy, we're really
missing the boat this year.

Every manufacturer at this
convention is showing space toys.

Astronauts, moon
ships, men from Mars.

I hear somebody's even
coming out with a time machine.

What does it do? Tell time?

Go ahead, laugh. Very funny.

But what do we push with
the Rockhauser stores, huh?

I think that Stockdale
is much too conservative

to go for a
Hannah-the-Hippie doll.

I wonder if it's possible.

Oh, sure, it's possible,
but it isn't very likely.

She sure looks like Elsie.

Hannah looks like Elsie?

Who's Hannah?

Hannah the Hippie.

Who are you talking about?

Oh, that girl across the pool.

The...

I met her years ago at,
uh, Camp Laughing Water.

Ah, what a summer that was.

♪ (PLUCKING MERRY TUNE)

Name, rank and serial number.

Elsie Ethrington, counselor
in training, cabin 6.

Nice to know you,
Cabin 6. My name is...

Randy Putnam, senior counselor,

swimming instructor,
tennis coach,

music appreciation,
and camp Casanova.

I've heard all about you.

You've heard wrong.

I've got nothing to
do with swimming.

It's a lovely night.

Thank you.

You're crying. Well...

It's the way you
play the guitar.

Shall I stop?

Oh, no! No.

I could listen to you forever.

I'll just cry quietly.

The next day I
taught her sailor knots,

uh, took her for a hike, and
worked on her backhand.

By the time camp closed,
we were going steady.

Very interesting. Isn't it?

No, I mean, how about a boy
and girl doll who go steady?

"A three-toed sloth."

Could that be Randy?

Randy?

R-A-N-D-Y. No, it doesn't fit.

Oh, forget the
sloth. Now, let's see.

Thirty-four down.

"Argentinean soccer
star." Heh, really?

He was head counselor
at children's camp.

A shy boy with a skin problem.

♪ (GUITAR PLAYING TUNELESSLY)

Hi.

I'm Elsie Ethrington,
counselor in training, cabin 6.

Hi. I'm Randy Putnam,
senior counselor.

All alone?

Yep.

May I?

You don't talk
very much, do you?

I'm not very good with words.

I let my guitar speak for me.

♪ (DISCORDANT STRUMMING)

I'm not very good
with my guitar, either.

♪ (PLAYING UPBEAT SPANISH TUNE)

Wow. You sure
don't look Spanish.

I'm not. But when I get
involved in something,

I really get involved.

I call that a real
talent for living.

Well, it's a talent
that can be taught.

Yeah.

Uh, have a Fig Newton, teacher.

All he lacked was confidence.

By the end of the summer, I had
him playing the guitar like Segovia,

singing like Robert Goulet,

and dancing like
he had two left feet.

Dancing wasn't his bag.

"Dracula's manservant"?

By the time camp was over
with, we started going steady.

Randy!

Elsie.

I thought I recognized you.

What are you doing here?

Well, actually... Oh, my!

Oh, how are you?

What are you doing here?

Uh, toy convention. Oh.

I went into Dad's business. Oh.

Oh, where are you living?

Well, right now I'm
living... TOM: Randy.

Hey, hey, Randy! We've got to
meet Stockdale in 10 minutes.

Okay. Okay, listen, Elsie.

It won't be long,
a half-hour maybe.

Please come up to
my suite for a drink.

Oh, I don't know
about a drink, but...

Uh, Suite 407.

Yeah, of course I miss you, Liz.

Don't forget to
give my love to...

Well, if you can make it by
the weekend, it'd be great. Yeah.

Yeah. Call me the
minute you know.

(KISSING) Bye, hon.

Well, ask me how we did.

(SIGHING) How
about a drink first?

It won't help.

One half gross of
Mr. Monster, that's how we did.

From a chain that has over
30 stores in the Midwest alone.

You know, that's like getting a
10-cent tip from the Shah of Iran.

Ah, it's a long convention.

Oh, yes, but we're
running short of customers.

Ah, come on, relax.

Listen, Liz may
come for the weekend.

If she does, we'll
double-date. You'll love Elsie.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yeah.

Oh, that must be Elsie now.

Hello. I'm Sister Bertrille.

RANDY: She's a million laughs.

I just had my first laugh.

Please. Won't you
come in, please?

I'm Tom Grant. I'm
Randy's associate.

Oh, it's very nice to meet you.

Is that Elsie?

A reasonable facsimile.

Swell. I was just telling Tom
that... that we might double...

Date. I can't stand
unfinished sentences.

Will you excuse me?

I, uh, I didn't, uh,
recognize you.

Oh, well, that's because I look
a lot shorter in a bathing suit.

Quite a...

Why a nun? Why the toy business?

Dad insisted I join
his firm. Simple.

Oh. Well, I insisted on
joining a convent. Simple.

It can't be that simple.

You had to have some motivation.

Oh, I did.

Uh, anybody for anything?

Yeah. Anything. Double.

Ma'am? Miss?

Sister Bertrille. No, thank you.

Well, uh,

you certainly have nice
weather here in San Juan.

Oh, yes.

It's normal, uh, for
this time of the year.

You don't say.

Yeah, it's normal
for this time of year.

You don't say.

You have a headache?

Migraine. Migraine.

I... I get them when
I'm under tension.

The, uh, toy business
is not for kids. No indeed.

It's... It's fraught
with danger.

First you have to,
uh, design a toy,

and then you have to, uh, retool
the factory to bring out the toy,

and then, of course, there's
the problem of selling the toy

and you're a nun, huh?

Perhaps you should lie down.

Sorry, Elsie, but this...

Oh, no, no. No
apologies, really.

It's been swell
seeing you again Yes.

And talking over old times. Yes.

And if you're ever near
the Convent San Tanco,

do please drop in and see me.

Oh, first chance I get.

First chance. Anytime. Yes, yes.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Bye. Yes.

A nun. She's a nun.
Don't you understand?

Well, sure I understand.
You don't understand.

How can you understand
if you don't know the story?

We were going
steady for eight months.

Then, one night when I... when
I brought her home from a party,

we started to...

Dull party, wasn't it? Oh...

I could hardly wait to get home.

Elsie... Elsie, I'd like to
talk to you about something.

Oh, do we have to?

I'm afraid so.

Elsie, how long have
we been going together?

Well, it seems like forever.

Eight months.

And I think we ought
to come to a decision.

Oh. Oh, I agree.

You're letting me go?

Say you forgive me.

Oh, oh, I... I... I forgive
you. I... I forgive you.

Well, I guess I'd
better be going.

Oh, do you have to rush off?

It's better this way.

I guess you'll be
dating other guys now.

Randy, after going steady
with you for eight months,

I may give up men entirely.

I feel terrible about this.

What will you do, Elsie?

What do you think? I'll... I'll join
a convent and become a nun.

Good night. And I...

A nun. Now do you understand?

Oh, she didn't mean it.

If she didn't mean
it, why is she a nun?

Oh, the guilt, Tom, the guilt.

How can I live with the guilt?

I've destroyed her life.

She looked happy to me.

Happy?

Didn't you see how red
her eyes were from crying?

That was from the chlorine
in the pool, same as yours.

Oh, I wish I could believe that.

Well, buddy, you've got to.

Unless you want two years of
analysis to go down the drain.

Oh, I wish I was on
Dr. Shaffmeister's couch right now.

Randy, have your drink.

We'll go out. We'll
get a good dinner.

We'll talk toys, come
back, get to bed early,

and I promise
you, in the morning

you'll feel a lot
better about it. Huh.

JACQUELINE: And he would have.
Except that night it turned unusually muggy

and Sister Bertrille decided
a short flight around town

might be refreshing
before retiring.

So, without a thing on
her mind, she took off.

What are you doing? Operator.

Operator, I want to talk to
Dr. Frederic Shaffmeister in New York,

and hurry. This is an emergency.

JACQUELINE: It
was good to be away.

It was nice to be back.

It was heartwarming to
know how we were missed.

And now for the rotten part.

"Forgive me. Randy."

"Forgive me. Randy"? For what?

He had a headache
when I went to visit him

at his suite so I didn't stay,

but he was very polite and
I wasn't mad or anything.

What I always say is
never look a pony in the eye.

A donkey in the face?

Try "a gift horse in the mouth."

JACQUELINE: The gift horse
came through again the following day.

"Forgive me. Randy."

That must have
been some headache.

JACQUELINE: To be followed
in quick succession by...

And a...

A stolen mink.

You mean a mink stole.

I mean where's this
fellow getting all the money

for all these presents,
if he's not stealing?

"Something to warm you on
your next vacation. Randy."

Oh, what happened
to "forgive me"?

"P.S. Forgive me."

What am I going
to do with all this?

Well, either return them
or open a thrift shop.

I'm not being unreasonable, Liz.

I'm being as reasonable
as I can in my condition.

Uh, the circumstances are
that I'm too business with busy...

Busy with business, to
spend any time with you.

I-I'm tied up 24 hours a day.

Uh, tell her, Tom.
Tell her. Tell her.

Twenty-four hours
a day. Listen, Liz.

I love you, I miss you, I want
you, but right now, stay home.

That's funny. My name
doesn't begin with a "B."

Yeah, that's because
I didn't buy it for you.

You're not going to even
try to lie your way out of it?

I'd try, Liz, but,
uh, what's the use?

She's on her way up right now.

Tom, how could you let him?

Well, it-it's not
what you think, Liz.

It's not? It's worse.

RANDY: Excuse me.

Tom, I'm going to fight for him.

I'm not going to let a weekend
romance... Yeah. Well, excuse me, huh?

Come in. Come in.

RANDY: Uh, Elsie,
Sister Bertrille,

my fiancee, Liz Martin.

Oh, well, it's very
nice to meet you.

Oh, you didn't tell
me you were engaged.

It, uh, slipped his mind. Okay.

Uh, may I speak
to you privately?

Yeah, not necessary.

She knows about the presents.

This is the...

She's a nun!

Oh, I'm a novice, actually.

Oh, for a novice
you're doing just fine.

Thank you. He's
very embarrassing.

He's so generous.

Uh, I came to ask you not to
send me any more presents.

It's kind of hard
to return them.

No more presents. No more.

And no more of those dumb
notes asking me to forgive you.

For what?

That's what I'd like
to know. For what?

I'll write you a long
letter some time.

Here comes my migraine.

Well, I guess that's my cue.

Uh, why don't you
hide his checkbook?

He's just impossible.

It was so nice meeting
you. Yes. Goodbye.

Liz, uh, did you ever see a...

A nun fly?

No, I can't say I have.

I wish I could say that.

Now he wants to
break our engagement

until he gets his
mental health back.

Oh, that's flaky.

It never happened
that way at all.

You didn't tell him you
were going into a nunnery?

Convent. No, I didn't.

Would you like to know what
really happened that night?

Well, it was about 10:00...

Dull party, wasn't it?

I could hardly wait to get home.

Elsie, I...

Elsie, I'd like to...

Like to, uh, talk to
you about something.

Oh, do we have to?

I'm afraid so.

Elsie, how long have
we been going together?

It seems like forever.

Yeah. Eight months.

And I think we ought
to come to a decision.

Oh, I agree.

You're letting me go.

Say you forgive me.

Oh, I forgive
you. I forgive you.

Well, I... I guess
I'd better be going.

Oh, do you have to rush off?

It's better this way.

I guess you'll be
dating other guys now.

Randy, after going steady
with you for eight months,

I may give up men entirely.

I feel terrible about this.

What will you do, Elsie?

Oh, what do you think I'll do?

I'll... I'll join a convent
and become a nun.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Well, please tell me again.

Randy had nothing to do
with your becoming a nun?

Nothing. That happened
about a year after that

when my Aunt Doris
came to visit me.

She was a missionary
in the Belgian Congo...

Well, that's another story.

Anyway, he's all yours.

I'm not so sure.

Randy has been in
analysis for two years

trying to work out his problems.

And he was just beginning
to feel good about himself.

Well, i-if I tell
him the truth now,

I'll run the risk of
making him regress,

of making him feel
ridiculous and stupid.

Oh.

Well, it seems to me
you have two choices.

Not to marry somebody
who feels like a rat

or not to marry someone
who feels like a fool.

Well. Randy and I
met at a friendship club.

I can always renew
my membership.

Oh, well, that's ridiculous.

You might get someone worse.

I mean, you and Randy have
been through so much together.

Oh, there's got
to be a way to...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
By george! I believe I've just given

Sister Bertrille an idea.

Why couldn't I have been
born short and fat and ugly?

Look on the brighter
side. You were born stupid.

Why you would ever break
your engagement to Liz...

I'd rather discuss it
with my psychiatrist.

Maybe in a couple of years
when I work through my guilt...

(KNOCKING ON
DOOR) Well, that's Elsie.

Well, I'll wait in the
bedroom. No, no, please don't.

It'll be less painful for
her if we're not alone.

Come in, Elsie.

Randy. Tom.

Sister Bertrille.

Well, I bet you're wondering
why I've called you here together.

Uh, to say goodbye?

And to sell you a toy.

Well, it's more of
a puppet than a toy.

Yeah. Elsie, nobody's
buying puppets nowadays.

Well, great. Then you've got
the market all to yourselves.

There's nothing more
stimulating to a child's imagination

and it gets rid of his
aggressions and his hostilities.

And sometimes it helps him say

something he might be
too embarrassed to say.

Well, uh, don't go away.

So, it's hail and farewell, huh?

That's the way the
cookie crumbles, baby.

Does it have to?
We've been so close.

And those presents. You didn't
give them to me out of guilt.

How did you guess?

Woman's intuition.

What's that all about?

I think she's trying
to tell you something.

Oh, I'm getting a headache.

I'm getting a headache.

Darling, you've awakened
something inside me,

something I thought
I'd lost forever.

And I've done the
same to you, haven't I?

Why should we
fight it, sweetheart?

Yeah, fight it. Fight it. Why?

Uh, because you're
a nun, for Pete's sake.

A novice. I haven't taken
my final vows. I'm still free,

and knowing how
you feel about me...

Oh, you're talking nonsense.

Love is nonsense?

RANDY: Love?

Who said anything about...

Listen, listen, you're wrong.

You can't quit on account of me.

I'm already spoken
for. I-I-I'm in love with...

I'm in love with...
I'm in love with Liz.

Don't fight it, Randy.
I'm in love with Liz.

You're fighting it,
Randy. Tell her, Tom.

He's in love with Liz.

Suite 402, please.

Liz? Liz, am I in
love with you or not?

What do you mean,
how should you know?

Well, it worked.
RANDY: getting married...

Told you it would.
How did you know?

We went to the same analyst.

Sister.

"This note is to tell you the
wedding will be in two weeks

"and after that, Liz and I plan a
month's honeymoon in Alaska."

Ah. I wonder why
they chose Alaska.

Well, I imagine because it's as far
away from San Juan as you can get.

"I owe you more than
you can imagine, Elsie.

"I never told you this but one
night I thought I saw you fly,

"and in exploring this
hallucination with my analyst,

"I got the idea for a toy

"which promises to be the best
seller in our spring line. Randy."

Well, I've heard of a
papa doll and a mama doll,

but a sister doll? I
wonder what it does.

Well, I... Oh, I guess
you just push that.

What else?

It flies. Wait for
me! Wait for me!

Oh, boy, I'd better go to the
optimist and get myself some glasses.

Optometrist. And
glasses won't help.