03x07 - Melissa

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


Take that, you dirty imperial stormtroopers!


[ g*n beeping ]


I said it before, and I'll say it again!


Pop, will you get off my back?


No, I will not!


You are a penny-pinching piker!


All right!


And also a moneygrubbing miser!


Wowie!


Pop, please!


No more talk about how cheap I am, okay?


Hmm, okay.


Aw, sh**t.


You promise?


I promise.


Good. Girls?


The tightwad is back!


Pop, you promised!


So I'm a liar, and you're a tightwad.


Nothing ever satisfies you.


Oh, come on, guys.


How can a father and a son argue so much?


You never listen. The house is on fire.


The girls ran away. Katie's pregnant.


Freeze!


[ g*n beeping ]


Now, I will vaporize the first one of you that moves.


Now, that's better.


Here, honey, take these dresses upstairs to the girls.


Oh, can't I stay? I like to watch old guys fight.


Get out of here. Come on, go.


Okay, now, what's going on this time?


Pop's mad because I'm not gonna buy new dresses


For the girls for the dinner.


Carl, look -- you're being honored


As glen lawn "man of the year."


Now, will you spend a couple of bucks


So my granddaughters will look pretty?


Grandpapa, relax.


Do you remember the three old party dresses?


Well, I fixed them up. I restyled them for the girls.


They're gonna look lovely.


There, you see?


Nell knows the value of a dollar.


But I got to hand it to you, chief.


You're the first man of the year not to waste money


On renting a tuxedo.


Thank you, nell.


What?


You would disgrace the family by not renting a tuxedo?


What moron made you man of the year?


Cheapo of the year!


Grandpapa, where you going?


I am running down to the orphanage


To see if I can adopt a better son.


What do I need a tux for, huh? It's just a dinner.


Well, not that it's up to me,


But don't you think the guest of honor


Should look as good as the waiters?


All right, all right!


Phone the tuxedo-rental shop


And set up an appointment for me.


Already did. It's this afternoon.


Aunt nell? The girls are ready.


I'm sending them down, okay?


Thank you, liebchen.


Now, remember, the most important thing


Is for you to save your money.


Get ready, girls!


Chief, you are gonna be so proud


To walk into that dinner with these girls on your arm.


Just wait till you see what I did to those dresses.


Showtime!


[ Clears throat ]


♪ A pretty gi-i-i-i-rl


♪ Is like a melody-y-y-y


♪ That haunts you night and day ♪


They're beautiful.


What time is their appointment at the dress shop?


.


Don't be late, girls.


[ Cheering ]


Thanks, dad.


I knew it would work!


That was such a good idea!



I told you this would work, you guys!


Are you through running my life now?


No.


Here's a list of all the eligible women in town.


Where'd you get this?


Yellow pages.


Ah, come on, chief.


You can't walk into that dinner


Without a lovely woman on your arm.


Nell, it's been so long since I've had a date


That I wouldn't know what to do with a woman.


It'll come back to you. It's like riding a bicycle.


Thanks, but let's forget about it, huh?


[ Doorbell rings ]


Chief, if I were you, I wouldn't wait too long.


Sex appeal like yours does not last forever.


Hiya, chief. Could I come in?


I suppose so.


Thanks, chief. Hiya, nell.


Hi, simpson.


Chief, I want to ask you about the tuxedo I'm gonna rent.


What's the problem?


Well, see, I was thinking


About wearing one of them ruffled bullfighter shirts.


And I wanted to know if you're gonna wear one.


No.


Do you mind if I wear one, chief?


Why should i? I'm not a bull.


Simpson, I'm trying to talk the chief


Into taking a date to the dinner.


Can you help me out?


I'm sorry, nell. I already got a date.


No, I --


Larry, deliver this on your next run.


You got it.


Hello. Oh, may I help you?


Yes, I'm nell harper,


And I called you earlier


About renting a tuxedo for the chief of police, carl kanisky,


And, oh, you're not married.


Oh, oh, yes.


Miss harper, and -- and no, I'm not married.


Oh, boy, did I come to the right place!


[ Chuckles ] well, I'm --


Well, what price range are we talking about?


Oh, honey, money is no object.


We're talking about the chief of police, honey,


The last of the big spenders.


Is he going to be here for a fitting?


Oh, sure. He's probably delayed with a riot or a sh**t.


Probably won't even talk about it.


He's the strong, silent type.


Hey, look, I'm in a hurry, and I'd like to rent a tux.


Well, I'll be with you in a minute, sir.


Hey!


I'm not gonna stand around here


While you're chatting it up with the cleaning woman.


Sir!


This is a customer!


Yeah, spending her welfare check.


Now, you listen! No, you listen!


Hyah!


Larry.


You got it.


Well, I'm glad you did what you did


Before I did what I was gonna do.


Boy, where'd you learn that?


How -- well, how come I've never seen you before?


Well, I've only been in town a couple of months.


I haven't met that many people.


Oh.


Well, you're gonna love meeting the chief.


It's kind of like being with cary grant.


Nell, you were supposed to meet me on the corner!


Where the hell were you?


Hello, cary.


Oh, you must be chief kanisky.


Call him carl, honey.


Oh, why don't I get a jacket for you to try on?


What size are you? Regular.


Excuse me. [ Chuckles ]


You two are perfect for each other.


Perfect for each other?


All I've said to the woman is " regular."


Now, let's just try this on for size.


What an eye -- perfect fit.


Oh, we'll see. Oh, yes!


That is a nice fit.


How much is it?


Oh, $ a night.


He's in shock because it's so cheap.


He loves it. He really does.


Well, good.


I'll just set this aside for you, chief kanisky.


No, no. Call him carl, honey. Miss, uh...


Oh, uh, whittingham. Melissa whittingham.


Mel-- melissa.


Melissa and carl and nell.


Wow.


Now that we're all on first-name basis,



Why don't we all go out to dinner tonight, huh?


Nah, I'm gonna stay home


And watch the lakers play the knicks.


Ooh, good game.


Oh, the knicks are tough on the road.


You know basketball?


It's my second love, next to baseball.


Baseball?


[ Shrieks ]


Gosh, we're all sports fans here!


We can have dinner at the bat rack.


They got this big tv screen.


That sounds like fun!


Uh-huh. We can watch all that sports stuff.


[ Laughs ]


Oh, snaps! I forgot.


Look. You two will have to go without me.


I just remembered I have a garden-club meeting tonight.


He'll pick you up at .


Goodbye. [ Chuckles ]


Garden club? You don't even have a garden.


Hi, chief. Hi, nell.


Bye, chief. Bye, nell.


Uh, excuse me.


I'd like to rent a tuxedo.


Well, of course. What size?


Uh...


I'm a long, and I got a waist.


Didn't we meet before?


Well, I don't think so.


I'm new in town.


Oh.


Well, I'm officer simpson.


Uh...


I'm miss whittingham.


Harvey?


Hello, simpson.


Harvey wallace, my old karate instructor from st. Louis?


It's not harvey anymore.


It's melissa!


So...


What's new?


I've had a sex-change operation.


Oh.


Look, simpson.


Nobody in town knows about this,


And I'd like to keep it a secret.


Oh, yeah.


After the operation, I decided to come here to glen lawn


And start a new life.


That's what I did.


Of course, I skipped the surgery.


Hey!


Can I trust you to keep my secret?


Well, if you can't trust a policeman,


Who can you trust, harvey?


Melissa!


Melissa.


See you later.


Whee!


Why are you so happy?


Did I find a girl for you father!


[ Laughs ]


You look gorgeous.


What do you know?


Beautiful and a matchmaker besides.


Ah, yes. [ Chuckles ]


How did you know dad and melissa would hit it off?


Well, it's all in a woman's eyes, honey.


I took one look in melissa's eyes,


And I saw a woman that needed a change.


Yeah, you can be my matchmaker anytime, nell.


Well, I did have a little help.


From who? Pee wee reese.


Pee wee reese?


He's your father's favorite baseball player.


Melissa's too.


You're kidding.


Oh, honey, they could talk sports by the hour.


He says talking to melissa is like talking to one of the guys.


Ain't that sweet?


Girls, nell...


Sit down.


I've got something important to tell you.


Uh, you know that I've been, uh, seeing a lot of melissa.


I think she's neat. Great lady.


I'm crazy about her.


She's one in a million.


Well, I'm serious about her, and so tonight,


I'm gonna give her this.


Oh, dad!


This is great!


[ Sobbing ]


I owe all my happiness to you, nell.


Get out of here. Y'all go on upstairs and get dressed.


Daddy loves melissa!


Daddy loves melissa!


Daddy loves melissa!


Cut it out, huh?


[ Laughs ]



[ Doorbell rings ]


Hiya, nell.


Hi, simpson.


You look beautiful, nell.


Oh, so do you.


Yeah.


Nell, the reason I came by


Is I need your advice about something, huh?


Okay.


Now, would you say anything


If you knew something about "a"


That might make "b" unhappy,


But you promised "a"


You wouldn't mention anything about it to "b,"


But "b" is closer to you than "a"?


Whatever it is you're talking about, just stay out of it.


Thanks, "d"...


For solving c's problem.


Oh, hello, simpson.


Hiya, "a."


Hi, melissa.


Uh, chief, melissa's here!


Oh, I think he has a surprise for you.


Ooh. [ Chuckles ]


Hi, melissa.


Hello, carl.


Well, I guess I'll just get out the way.


No, nell, I want you to stay right here.


After all, if it wasn't for you, we never would have met.


Hee!


I don't have to tell you, melissa, the past two weeks,


I've been as happy as a --


Well, as a rookie pounding his first beat.


Well, you're the reason.


Anyway...


Boy, this is tough.


Here's something that shows how I feel about you.


He's crazy about you.


I know.


Open it. Is it a ring?


Oh! [ Gasps ]


It's a baseball card!


Yeah.


Pee wee reese.


Good old pee wee reese.


Nell, i-i think it's time we had a little chat.


Okay. Let's go to get us some coffee.


Oh, welcome to the family.


I just love it all.


What?!


Harvey wallace?!


I guess I should have told you this before.


Harvey wallace?


But I didn't think carl was going to get so serious.


Harvey wallace?


This past year has been a big emotional experience for me,


And i-i'm just not ready to make any lasting commitments.


Harvey wallace?


Nell, I'd appreciate it if you told carl for me.


I -- I don't think I can face him.


Sure.


Uh, tell him -- oh, tell him i-i think he's a wonderful man,


And -- and give him back his baseball card with my thanks.


Thank you, nell.


Tell carl i-i hope I didn't spoil his evening.


I know how important it is.


I was once man of the year.


Look, uh, would one of you girls mind helping me?


Where's melissa?


She gone.


Gone?


Didn't she like pee wee reese?


Sit down, chief.


Please?


Sit down.


[ Sighs ]


Excuse me.


[ Laughs ]


Chief...


How shall I say this?


Melissa is...mixed-up.


Mixed-up?


Well, you see, she recently had an operation,


And she just ain't her old self no more.


Oh.


Well, I can understand that.


They took out my gallbladder, and I wasn't myself for months.


No, no.


It's a little different from a gallbladder operation.


Well, what was it?


Just your routine sex-change operation.


Sex...


Change operation?


You know when you told me


That being with melissa was like being with one of the guys?


Well, you were.


Are you saying...


You fixed me up with a guy, nell?!


No, no, no, no, no, no! I fixed you up with a woman!


See, she used to be a he, but he became a she.



Now she is a she!


I-i-i-i-i-i don't believe it!


And to think that I was actually gonna ask that man


To marry me.


And you introduced us!


No, listen, listen.


Every matchmaker is entitled to one little mistake!


One little mistake?! I kissed that man!


Oh.


Chief, that was only on the cheek.


I'm talking about last night!


Aah!


You...


I am sorry! Don't tell me you're sorry!


Well, how was I to know if you didn't know?


Huh?


Nell, you've got to promise me one thing.


What's that?


That you'll never ever, ever act as a matchmaker again!


Hey, listen.


I-i-i'm sorry. I learned my lesson.


Chief, listen. I'm really sorry.


That's not the worst part.


I was having fun.


I had a good companion.


We liked the same things,


Shared the same likes and dislikes.


[ Chuckles ]


We even laughed at the same jokes.


It's gonna be hard to find another woman like him.


[ Doorbell rings ]


[ Exhales sharply ]


Yes?


I hate to bother you, but my car just broke down.


May I use your phone?


Yeah. It's over there. Go ahead.


Thank you.


I guess you're calling your husband, huh?


No, the auto club. I'm not married.


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break