02x02 - Brother Ed And The Hooker

[bunniefuu]

["♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


She's late, chief.


How much longer are we gonna wait?


Simpson, when we're working undercover,


Don't call me "chief."


I'm sorry. It won't happen again, ch--


Ch-ch-cheers.


Maybe you'd better wait in the car.


Oh, I think I better stick close.


Sometimes these informers could be dangerous.


You might need my protection.


Simpson, she's only a hooker.


Oh.


How are we gonna recognize her?


Hi. I'm sorry I'm late, but I had a trick.


Chief!


I think that's the h-o-o-k-e-r.


Simpson, about your application for detective...


Yeah? Denied.


D-e-n-i-e-d.


I'll wait in the car.


Good idea.


So, what's the story


About this alleged cop that's hassling you hookers?


He's not hassling.


He's hitting us up for some protection money.


And lower your voice. Do you want to get me k*lled?


Nobody's gonna k*ll you.


Oh, yeah? Why do you think I'm wearing these glasses?


I figured the light bothers your eyes,


Being you spend most of your time in the dark.


I'm just wasting my breath,


You cops always cover up for each other.


[ Bowling pins falling in distance ]


Now, listen, maxine.


If what you're telling me is true, you can trust me.


I mean it.


If there's one thing I can't stand


It's a cop who steals from scum.


No offense.


Yeah. A bum like that could give a bad name to you pigs.


No offense.


Don't get smart, maxine.


Oh, come on. I'm fingering the guy, aren't i?


Now, look.


I-i've got the number of a safety-deposit box.


He's supposed to have grand in it under a phony name.


If I hurry, I can get a court order


To open the safe-deposit box tonight.


Thank, maxine.


Hey, look. Go to judge larkin.


He spent some time in my chambers.


Hey, carl! I didn't know you bowled in the afternoon.


Ed, please. Lower your voice.


Oh, I'm sorry.


I'm a mortician,


And sometimes dead people have a hearing problem.


A mortician? Are you trying to tell me something?


No, no, no, no. This is my kid brother.


Look, ed, I'd love to stay and talk with you,


But I got to go.


So, uh, you and carl are brothers?


Yeah. Poor guy.


I got all the looks.


Hey, I wasn't interrupting anything


Between you and carl, was i?


Oh, no. No way.


I never mix business and pleasure.


Me, neither.


And in the mortuary business, who'd want to?


Uh...


Eddie.


Eddie. [ Giggles ]


Eddie, could you do me a favor?


Could you drive me home?


Me? Drive you home?


Mm-hmm.


Oh, it would be an honor.


And, eddie...


Could you do me another favor? What's that?


Well, if anybody sees us,


Uh, i-i want them to think that you're a john.


Oh. Suit yourself, but it's gonna be tough.


I already have "eddie" sewn over my pocket.



I can't believe it.


Do you realize it's over three weeks


Since we busted that cop who was ripping off those hookers


And they're still writing about it?


Yeah, it's awful, isn't it?


One dishonest cop,


And he makes all the rest of us look crooked.


Not you, chief.


You'd bust your grandmama for jaywalking.


My grandmother died over years ago.


Well, then you would get her for loitering.


The only good news lately is eddie.


My little brother finally got himself a girlfriend.


Can you believe it?


You know, I can't believe


You're still calling that lummox little.


So, what do you got for them tonight...


Besides macaroni?


Fish sticks.


That doesn't sound very fancy.


Well, I'll glue them together


And we can call it fillet of sole.


Now, where was i?


And where was he? Ooh.


[ Smoke alarm beeping ]


Nell, what's that noise?


I don't know.


That's the smoke alarm! There's something burning!


Aah!


My fish sticks! Somebody do something!


Back up!


[ Extinguisher hisses ]


[ Coughing ]


You know, that fire extinguisher saved our lives.


But it didn't do much for my fish sticks.


Well, we'll have to serve these with a chisel.


Nell, what happened?


I don't know.


Well, I was reading, and I just lost track of time.


I don't know.


No wonder.


"As the temperature rose,


Her lips parted as she savored the tender loins --"


Give me that. It's a cookbook.


Is something burning?


No. No, nothing at all.


I thought I smelled smoke.


Mnh-mnh.


Come on, girls.


They'll be here soon. You better get ready.


Dad, we are ready.


No, you're not ready.


You're wearing jeans. It looks cheap.


Dad, these are sergio valentes.


Yeah? What are you doing in some italian guy's pants?


Come on, julie.


Come on. Could you speed dinner up a little?


They'll be here any minute. What are these?


Oh, that's something new.


You see, it's bite-sized baked alaskas.


Oh, that's a great idea. They'll love them.


Hi, nell. Nell hi, baby.


Look what I caught.


[ Gasps ]


I bet you don't know what kind of fish this is.


Oh, yes, I do. I'd know it anywhere.


It's jaws.


I saw your last movie.


You know, I'm thinking of having him stuffed and mounted.


Oh, that's good.


Sweetheart, could you first go upstairs and take a bath --


You know, put on some clean clothes?


Do I have to?


Oh, honey, you smell like a ton of condemned tuna.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Stanley anybody home?


Fine.


Here, mom. Let me get your coat.


You bought a goat?


It's getting chilly out there.


I can't eat chili. It gives me gas.


Ma's talking about the weather.


Go ahead and talk. I still can't eat it.


The house looks very spiffy.


Uh, thank you.


We're trying to make a good impression


On eddie's new girlfriend.


[ Chuckles ]


My little baby brother finally found himself a woman.


You know, when I first heard she'd moved in with him,


I was very upset.


But then I said to myself, "I'm a modern woman.


I know what life's about. I watch 'general hospital.'"


What's for dinner?


Fish sticks and macaroni.


What's that you say?


Macaroni.


You invited mickey rooney?


[ Doorbell rings ]


That must be them. Excuse me, pop.



Come on down, kids. Your uncle eddie's here.


Nell, they're here.


Get off that phone.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Now, remember, everybody -- big smiles.


We want this girl to feel right at home.


Hi, grandpapa.


Hey, eddie, come on in.


Hi, carl. Nell, folks.


Everybody...this is maxine.


Hi.


Everybody calls me max.


We had a dog named max. You're better looking.


I-i-i want you to meet my family.


This is my mother. Hi.


And my father. My eldest niece, katie.


And this is julie, samantha.


And this foxy lady here is nell.


And, of course, you know carl.


Are you surprised to see me?


I think he was expecting mickey rooney.


Chief, why don't you offer our guests some libation? Some what?


A drink.


Oh, yeah, sure.


Uh, what'll you have?


A scotch and water.


I'll have a virgin mary.


You got a good memory.


I wish I had clothes like yours.


Guys would be falling all over me.


Hey, listen -- why don't you girls go upstairs


And wash up for dinner?


We already washed up.


Well, then, go wash for school tomorrow.


You, too.


Hey, carl, did you forget our drinks?


Oh, I forgot to get the peanuts.


Nell, would you give me a hand?


But you don't need two people


To help you carry a bowl of peanuts.


They're still in their shells.


I don't understand you.


Voulez-vous -- get your keister in the kitchen.


Well, that just broke the language barrier.


Uh, excuse moi. I'll be right back.


I'm going to the kitchen...


To help him screw his head back on.


What is the matter with you?


Look, nell, I don't quite know how to put this, but...


Well, you're a grown woman.


Wait a minute. What is it?


Is my slip hanging?


No, no, no, no.


Maxine out there is a...professional.


[ Gasps ]


Oh! You mean eddie got a doctor?


No, eddie got a hooker.


Oh.


Well, I was close.


She does make house calls.


Look, are you sure she's a prost*tute?


Of course I'm sure! I introduced eddie to her.


I do hope you know what that makes you.


Maxine is one of the hookers


Who helped us bust that crooked cop.


So, what of it?


Eddie doesn't know.


So?


I got to tell him.


Whoa.


Chief, don't you think you should her tell him?


Look, nell, I got to protect my little brother.


I've always taken him under my wing.


Chief, the only wing your little brother can fit under


Is on a .


I can't have a hooker in my house --


Not around my family.


Now, wait a minute, chief.


What the kids don't know can't hurt them.


And what I don't know, she can teach me!


I've made up my mind. I got to tell eddie.


Will you tell him to come in here, please?


Samantha, didn't your father tell you to stay upstairs?


Yeah, but I want to show grandma the fish I caught.


Did you take that fish upstairs?


Just a minute, nell. I'll take care of it.


I'll give her a dollar for it


And flush it down the toilet.


Excuse me.


Uh, eddie...


Huh?


Your brother needs your help in the kitchen.


Oh, okay.


I'll be right back, honey.


[ Smooches ]


Hi, carl. What's up?


Everything okay?


Eddie, maxine is a prost*tute.


[ Exhales sharply ]


I thought it was something serious.



That's not serious?


Carl, maxine told me all about it the first night we met.


She thought that bum cop was following her,


So she spent the night at my place --


The first night in years I missed johnny carson.


Eddie, I just can't believe that you know what this girl is


And you still are seeing her.


Carl, she loves me.


Eddie, she loves everybody.


Not anymore.


We had a nice talk, and we decided


That she would be the one to give up her career.


Well, that's terrific.


Maybe she'll have a "going out of business" sale.


Don't make fun, carl.


Eddie...


Eddie, listen carefully.


A girl like maxine


Who's been doing what she's been doing


For , years ain't gonna give it up just like that.


Why not?


There's smoke enders. There's drink enders.


There must be, uh, trick enders.


Eddie, you can't be in love with a prost*tute.


Find another girl.


"Find another girl."


Carl, do you realize how many women I've been out with


Since I left high school?


Seven.


Two of them became nuns...


And one's assistant coach for the pittsburgh steelers.


Grandpa, would you like something else to drink?


No, thank you. I've already had one too many.


I think I'll powder my nose. Excuse me.


Chief eddie, I'm trying to reason with you!


Eddie carl, I know what I'm doing.


Now, I've made my decision, so let's just drop it!


Look, I'm not gonna let you ruin your life!


And, believe me, you're making a mistake


That you'll be paying for for years to come.


Uh... [ Laughing nervously ]


Oh, eddie wants to paint the hearse pink.


I'm no dummy, nell. I know what's going on in there.


I-i think I'd better go.


I-i don't want to cause any trouble.


No, wait a minute, max. You're no trouble.


He's trouble.


Maxine, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.


I don't want you in my house or around my family.


Don't beat around the bush. Just get to the point.


Stay out of this.


But don't you think -- oh, nell, please.


I don't want to stay anywhere I'm not liked.


Well, here we are, all scrubbed up and ready for dinner.


Chief --


No!! She's going!


Well, I guess we could wash our hands one more time.


I mean it, maxine.


Chief, please don't do this.


Nell, it's no use.


I'm leaving.


You're not going alone.


Eddie -- eddie, forget her.


Look, trust me. You'll thank me for it.


She'll be better off with her own kind.


Sit down, carl.


I said sit down.


I'm never gonna thank you, carl.


You know why?


Because I just realized


That you don't give a damn about me.


Of course I do. You keep quiet. I'm not finished.


Yeah, you keep quiet.


And you keep quiet, too. You got it.


And, you...don't move.


Carl...


All you ever care about is what you think,


And god help those that think different.


Where do you get off


Telling me how to run my life,


And who the hell asked you in the first place?


I didn't come here for a sermon, carl.


I came here hoping that just once --


Just once -- you'd say, "eddie, you're happy.


You done good."


That's all.


I don't need a police chief, carl.


I need a brother.


Come on, maxine. Let's go.


Don't do this.


[ Toilet flushes ]


Hey, what's going on? Everybody leaving?


Oh, I must have dozed off in the john and missed dinner.


No, no. It was nothing, pop.


It's not nothing, pop.


Carl won't approve of maxine.


You don't, carl? Why not?


Because I used to be a hooker.


Oh, you worked in a rug factory?


A hooker, mr. Kanisky.



I used to work as a prost*tute.


Well, I always wanted carl to take up a trade.


I don't think you heard her right.


I heard her just right, thanks.


So, you used to be a hooker.


We all make mistakes.


You voted three times for nixon.


I didn't hold it against you.


You know, chief,


We all have something in our past that we're ashamed of.


Everybody does.


But then, on the other hand, I really don't think


You should have to go through the rest of your life


Having to pay for it.


Eddie, I've been your brother for a long time, and i...


Guess sometimes I forget that you grew up.


But if you can stand there and tell me


That this is what you want to do and you're happy...


Well, I guess it's good enough for me.


Thanks, carl.


How about you and maxine staying for dinner, huh?


What do you say, max?


Why not?


This is the first night I have nowhere else to go.


Thanks, carl.


Sure.


I'm so glad that silly fight is over,


Whatever it was about.


Now, finally, maybe I can get to know maxine.


Now, what was it you said you do?


I'm retired.


So am i.


I bet we have a lot in common.


From your lips to god's ears.